- November 14, 2018
- Psychology of relationships
- Natasha Ryseva
Probably everyone has had to yearn for a person who is not around. Some have experienced a painful and unwanted breakup, others feel unhappy, lonely and abandoned even in marriage. It’s even worse if a loved one is gone.
Angst is definitely something worth fighting. You can't let sadness win. Even if something irreparable has happened, you need to move on.
Psychologists pay great, even priority attention to this topic, so their advice is worth listening to. Some manage to completely get rid of destructive melancholy, while others learn to live calmly with it. It's worth trying to heal anyway.
Fight or accept?
First of all, analyze the situation. Is it really that bad? Why are you upset, why do you miss the person? Perhaps you are oppressed by a lack of attention? But is your loved one really indifferent to you? It happens that things can still be fixed.
If the relationship between the spouses has gone wrong, but the question of divorce has not even been raised yet, you should not draw premature conclusions. Perhaps you should stop being offended by little things and making scandals, and everything will work out on its own. If you can still fight for your love, by all means do it.
But when the relationship is over, trying to return everything can only irritate the object of your desire. It happens that you need to calmly accept the situation and learn to live on.
Worst ally
Even at the first stage after a breakup, when sadness has just begun to creep into your heart, it is worth remembering that alcohol does not help you stop yearning for a person. The characters of many films and books have sought solace at the bottom of a glass; such images are dramatic and romanticized, but in life everything is much more prosaic. Under the influence of alcohol, a person does not find relief; often his condition only worsens. The risk of making irreparable mistakes is growing.
But we note that this coin has two sides. One evening with your best friend or girlfriend, a bottle of wine and a sit-down in a cozy kitchen can work better than any therapy. And if you want to give up on all your problems and go with your friends to a club where you can have fun until the morning, then by all means go. Allow yourself to relax once, but don't make it a system.
Neurosis
Emotional distress, in some cases without apparent causes, is combined in this disease with episodes of increased anxiety, fatigue, inadequate self-esteem, changes in the value system, inconsistency of judgment, emotional lability, tearfulness, sleep disturbances (characteristic drowsiness in the daytime is combined with difficulty falling asleep).
Emotional disturbances in neurosis are combined with physical manifestations:
- pain in the abdomen, chest, headaches; Moreover, when examining the physical causes of the pain syndrome, they are often not found;
- autonomic disorders, up to attacks of extrasystole;
- panic attacks with changes in blood pressure, darkening of the eyes, possible loss of consciousness;
- signs of vestibular dysfunction: difficulty maintaining balance, unsteady gait, episodes of dizziness;
- hypertrophied feeling of fatigue, rapid fatigue even with a slight load, a pronounced decrease in performance, a long recovery period.
With timely diagnosis and adequate treatment, neuroses can be successfully treated.
Precious feeling
Longing, a person plunges into memories of how good it was together. But look at the situation from a different angle.
True love, all-consuming and filling the entire being, does not occur very often. Some people have never experienced such a strong feeling in their entire lives. And it happened in your life! Your heart experienced all that magnificent flurry of emotions, your soul gained invaluable experience. Don’t worry that wonderful days won’t happen again, but simply thank fate for them.
Where to start rehabilitation?
It just sounds trivial, but in fact it helps a lot. When you give up, and there is no desire not only to leave the house, but even to get out from under the blanket, it is difficult to imagine that you can do something to distract yourself from your melancholy. But the most difficult thing is the first step. Decide on it, then it will be easier to walk.
Which direction should we go? And at this stage you don’t need to go anywhere. Clean your house, get rid of unnecessary things that come across here and there and remind you of the object of your longing.
Dedicate time to yourself: soak in the bath, pamper yourself with affordable home treatments. To finish what you started, of course, it’s worth visiting a beauty salon or barber shop. We emphasize: this advice should be heeded not only by women, but also by representatives of the stronger half of humanity.
A fashionable haircut and a cool manicure will not solve all your problems; if you really miss a person, you shouldn’t even delude yourself. But making yourself beautiful is much more useful than sighing under a blanket with an unwashed hair. Every person feels more confident if he likes the reflection in the mirror.
Filling the void
The psychological technique of right and wrong questions described above does not always work. Especially when you are tormented by despondency and sadness from the loss of a loved one. In such a situation, a technique for filling the void that is formed with loss will help.
Previously, we shared joy and sorrow with him, walked and traveled together, helped each other, understood each other perfectly. When he disappears, the ideal world that was held together by two collapses. Unbearable loneliness hits you headlong. There is nowhere to go, no one to talk to, no one wants to see, no one can understand.
You can get rid of the feeling of loneliness only by gradually filling the resulting emptiness. Psychologists immediately warn: alcohol, drugs, dubious companies, daily parties - all these are pseudo-pleasures that allow you to forget only for a while. They should be abandoned immediately.
What can you do to fill the void?
- go on a trip: psychologists say that new positive emotions and a change of environment are the best way to get rid of melancholy;
- find a pleasant company, don’t be alone, try to constantly be with someone who is nice, unobtrusive and not annoying;
- do what you like: hobbies, sports, volunteering and other things that will bring satisfaction;
- throw yourself into work so that there is no extra time left for longing for the past;
- to care for someone: a child, an old person, a pet, a sick or suffering person.
The main thing is not to feel guilty before the deceased person, as if you are betraying him by continuing to live. This technique works slowly but surely. It can also be used in cases where hopelessness and sadness are associated with other events: separation, loneliness, a feeling of uselessness, etc.
When longing is for good: changing the direction of the vector
How many beautiful poems, sonnets, songs and poems were composed thanks to unrequited love! Perhaps there is a genius dormant in you too?
Or maybe there is no genius at all. But we’re not fighting for the Pulitzer Prize now, right? Creativity may be the best solution if you are looking for an answer to the question of what to do. If you miss a person, entrust your emotions to paper or keys. Spit out your feelings, put your longing into words.
New goals
Poems not given? No problem! Try yourself in something else. The main thing is that the work brings pleasure. By the way, from these attempts to distract yourself and occupy your thoughts with something, something more can grow. Perhaps you will find a job that you love with all your heart.
In the 21st century, fortunately, there are many opportunities for this. Large and even small cities are full of master classes, and for those for whom this is unattainable, remote courses will help. Make pots and knit fluffy mittens, paint in oils and carve wood, draw and sew. Or maybe you've always dreamed of learning how to install stoves or getting a license to drive a truck? Great, now is the time for this. The more interesting things you find for yourself, the less time and energy you will have to miss the person who is not with you.
Vegetative-vascular dystonia
With this disease, a melancholy state is combined with vegetative disorders:
- rapid heartbeat, extrasystole;
- increased sweating;
- feeling of hot or cold flashes;
- cardialgia, burning, feeling of pressure in the chest;
- burning sensation in various parts of the body.
The melancholy-anxious state is especially pronounced in vegetative-vascular dystonia after a panic attack or when pain occurs.
Many symptoms of this disease require differential diagnosis with somatic pathology.
Forgive and say goodbye
Over time, accumulated discontent, evil words, and hurtful indifference emerge in the memory. Do not cultivate this growth! Unforgiven resentment and anger will not help you get rid of the image of your former loved one from your head; on the contrary, you will remember him even more often.
Forgive the person you broke up with, sincerely and with all your heart. Give thanks for everything good. It will be much easier for you to let go if you get rid of these anchors and bonds.
An energy message from another person. Feel
An energy message from another person. Feel
Is it possible to physically feel the impact of other people's thoughts and emotions (love, hatred, guilt, sexual desire, resentment, etc.)? And if so, how to decipher your own feelings in this case? Is there any decent literature on this topic?
I'll explain the reason for the question. I have been in a state of voluntary hermitage for almost a year now. Through various practices there was both enlightenment and catharsis on the physical and energetic level. Significant metamorphoses both in personal and ideological aspects.
When you leave society, some people want to communicate with you. If you don’t get in touch, I assume that they are thinking about you, in other words, some kind of energy is coming from them in your direction.
How to survive an irreparable loss?
It is much worse for those who grieve for a loved one who has died or died. Grief often strikes suddenly, unsettles you, and takes away your desire to live.
In the first days, chores, relatives and friends distract you from sorrowful thoughts. Awareness usually comes a little later. Try to enlist the support of your loved ones; it may really be easier for you to be around people. Talk to someone who was also close to the deceased, indulge in pleasant memories. Cry if you need to.
Many people find it helpful to talk to other widows or widowers. Someone else's experience can help you cope with adversity. Try to support others, this will make you feel like a strong and wise person who is not alien to compassion.
But from the very beginning you should prepare yourself for the fact that you will have to learn to live on. Carry out all the required rituals, and after that try to return to normal life as quickly as possible.
Keep in your soul the calm memory of the deceased. Perhaps it will be easier for you to survive the loss with the thought that earthly life is just one stage of a great Path, and death is not the end at all. The hope that a long-awaited meeting awaits in a better world can help cope with melancholy.
About the terrible harm of negative thoughts
There is no way around this aspect. Envy, hatred, anger are destructive. Let's say you are thinking about means of revenge. You don’t let go of your loved one, but a terrible offender, from your heart. Unfortunately, this is extremely dangerous. There is a transfer of the soul at a low-frequency level. You plunge yourself into a black space and pull others there too.
Energy is not just suffering. It collapses and becomes full of holes. These holes attract negative people. Soon enough, you will find yourself in bad circumstances, get confused, and get involved with scammers and thieves. You will fall into dependent relationships. This condition is called self-directed damage. Removing it is a difficult and energy-consuming task. Yes, and you can’t do without a specialist.
It is much more constructive to take control of your thoughts. Analysis will help identify the source of dependence. And once it is determined, you need to act immediately. Throw away the unusable object, move it to the side. Engage in your own creativity, don’t waste yourself on trifles.
Time cures
As strange as it may sound, over time you will miss the person you lost less and less. If you were able to immediately pull yourself together and tune in to healing, then within a couple of months you will be able to see wonderful changes not only in your state of mind.
By distracting yourself from boredom with useful and interesting things, you will certainly be able to achieve some results, learn new things, become more interesting and disciplined, and make pleasant acquaintances. Never give up on those things that bring you joy.
A word from the experts
Psychologists are not guided only by guesses or theories; they undertake to prove everything through research. Therefore, there is more trust in their approach. Here is their list of reasons why sometimes you wake up and think about a person all day long:
- Love. The most common reason. Although sometimes a person himself is not aware of his feelings, and in this way, the subconscious mind tells him the right direction of thoughts.
- Trying to get distracted. When everything in life is not going well, the subconscious is looking for any positive reason to cling to some object. Various fantasies about the development of a relationship, mental selections of the text of a conversation or an outfit, all this allows the mind to take a break from a series of failures.
- Feeling unsaid. Replaying a recent argument in your head is common practice. Although whether a person who was recently an opponent feels these mental battles, psychologists cannot say.
- Loneliness. Obsessive thoughts about someone are nothing more than the desire to fill the emptiness with the first object that you even slightly like. Thoughts about your ex also prevent you from developing further.
You shouldn’t waste your precious internal energy and feed it to the wrong people. Even psychologists advise learning to manage your energy balance.
