A kiss is an incredible sacrament between two people in love, which fills a person with a lot of positive emotions, experiences and feelings. The kiss inspires, makes the heart beat faster, it’s as if an electric shock passes through the whole body, the knees tremble, and the head is dizzy. It seems to lovers that there is no one around them, there is only him, she and their kiss. But before their first kiss, teenagers very often torment themselves with questions, “What should I do? What is the right way?”, and, sometimes, the rather inappropriate experience “I’m afraid!”
Each of us has encountered such a problem at least once in our lives. There is nothing scary or unnatural about this. Such doubts only indicate that a person has a psychological and emotional barrier that is difficult to cross. Excitement before something new and unknown is a completely normal human reaction.
What is philemaphobia
Philemaphobia is the name given to the fear of kissing. It is customary to distinguish between fear of the first kiss and fear of kissing as such. In the first case, it is enough to overcome the barrier once in order not to encounter problems in this area of relationships in the future. If you are afraid of kisses as such, professional psychological treatment is indicated.
The fear of the first kiss is associated with the fear of rejection, fear of ridicule, fear of failure, fear of disgrace. This type of fear is more typical of men, since they are the ones who are expected to take the first steps. Fear of kisses as such is more often associated with personal psychological traumas and complexes. This type of fear is equally characteristic of both men and women.
This is interesting! Philemaphobes may be in close relationships, but they never resort to “calf tenderness,” especially kissing. In advanced stages, even kissing scenes in movies or kisses from other people in real life frighten the patient.
Create the atmosphere
What to do in such situations? How to overcome your fears and complexes? First, you need to learn to relax and not focus your thoughts solely on fear and embarrassment before a kiss. To do this, you need to create a comfortable atmosphere around you. You can organize a romantic date, fill the world around you with romance, turning on, for example, suitable music, try to be alone or abstract yourself as much as possible from prying eyes. Also, it is important to understand that at such a moment you don’t need to try to be perfect, you need to be yourself.
How does a phobia manifest itself?
The leading symptom is avoidance of close communication. This desire determines the remaining features of the life and behavior of a philemaphobe:
- tendency to solitude;
- chronic stress, anxiety, irrational fear;
- aversion to romance like films;
- narrowing of the circle of contacts, impoverishment of contacts with the opposite sex;
- panic attacks in those moments when someone tries to kiss a philemaphobe.
During a kiss, the patient experiences discomfort, anxiety and a feeling of fear worsen. The manifestations and strength of a panic attack depend on the characteristics of the course of the disease and its stage. Manifestations range from slight tremors in the limbs to irrational actions, for example, the patient may push or hit someone who is reaching out to him. Other people who are afraid to kiss may cry, scream, or run away.
In addition to psychological manifestations, a panic attack is accompanied by somatic changes:
- feeling of suffocation;
- frequent shallow breathing;
- cardiopalmus;
- chest pain;
- high blood pressure;
- shiver;
- dizziness;
- problems with coordination;
- dry mouth;
- increased sweating;
- chills;
- gastrointestinal disorder;
- a feeling of unreality of what is happening.
Causes of phobia
For most people, the fear of touching their lips with their lips seems strange, but philemaphobes always have hidden reasons for this behavior. Most often it is a matter of psychological trauma , but in addition, fear can be caused by the costs of upbringing and character traits (disgust, shyness, complexes). Let's look at the probable reasons in more detail.
Disgust and disgust
A similar attitude towards the natural manifestation of love is found in childhood. But with moral teachings from parents, distrust of the world as such, dislike for people, fear of becoming infected with something, fear takes root and grows with the person.
This is interesting! A person who is afraid of becoming a source of an unpleasant odor constantly chews gum, uses air fresheners, and does not eat onions and garlic.
Negative experiences and unpleasant feelings
Violence, watching shocking scenes in films or real life, personal unpleasant experiences with kissing. For example, a child saw a horror film where some monster with a bloody mouth tried to kiss a girl, or saw a scene with violence (someone was kissed against his will). Or the person found himself in an awkward situation related to kissing. Or maybe someone made fun of him, humiliated him, saying that he was a disgusting kisser. Youthful bullying because a teenager has not yet been kissed can also cause trauma.
Associated phobias
The fear of kissing is often combined with the fear of falling in love. For such people, lip contact is a sign of increased emotional intimacy and the beginning of a relationship. They are afraid of becoming vulnerable, afraid of another painful breakup.
Fear of people of the opposite sex can also be a cause of fear. For example, a woman is still offended by some man or is afraid of him, because of this she cannot get close to other representatives of the stronger sex. And the fear of kissing a girl can be caused by negative memories in a man or fear of all women, virgins, and other categories of the fair sex.
Philemaphobia is associated with the following types of fears (the subject of fear is indicated in brackets):
- philophobia (love, affection);
- arrhenphobia (men);
- gynophobia (women);
- Gamophobia (marriage);
- genophobia (sex);
- mysophobia (infections, germs);
- Chiraptophobia (touching);
- Anuptaphobia (mistake when choosing a partner).
Bites and injuries
A playful kiss or an accidental bite due to inexperience can turn into real psychological trauma, especially if this happened in childhood or adolescence. Some parents instill fear in their children of kissing, for example, they say that this is how children are born, or that this is how you can lose your tongue or suffocate. Or maybe the child (teenager) was hit on the lips by his parents or opponent.
Complexity and shyness
Some people perceive hugs, kisses and other tactile contact as a violation of personal space. Maybe they are ready to bask with a person close to them in their understanding, but they are definitely not ready for routine kisses when they meet. This behavior is typical for shy, reserved, complex people and introverts, as well as reserved people with underdeveloped emotional intelligence.
It is important! Braces, pathologies and defects in the oral cavity often become the cause of complexes. But the cause of the complex may also be another defect, often fictitious. In both the first and second cases, the person is afraid of close contacts and considers himself unworthy.
The most common mistakes men make during the first kiss
There is no clear answer to the question of whether you should kiss a girl on the first date: it all depends on the specific situation. If she is your friend, and now you decide to get closer, then this is one thing, but if you just met, then you should act more carefully. Kissing on the first date is not a mistake, unlike the following situations:
- The guy asks permission before kissing the girl on the lips.
- There is no need to behave aggressively or intrusively if the girl does not want to kiss.
- It is better to avoid inappropriate remarks after a kiss like: “I tasted the salad that you recently ate.”
- There is no need to rush to show your unbridled passion: it can be expensive and scare her away.
- Both you and she should be ready for a kiss: it will be unpleasant if someone’s breath smells bad or there are pieces of food left in their teeth. There is chewing gum and you should not neglect it if you have recently eaten. Plus, this will let her know that you're getting ready to kiss her, so it won't come as a surprise to her.
You can kiss a girl tenderly, or you can unexpectedly suck her in, passionately pawing her breasts and ass. Then you shouldn’t be surprised why she doesn’t want to continue the relationship. She wants to be with someone with whom she can be special, who knows how to look after beautifully, turning every date into an exciting adventure. Become for her what she is looking for, and show it in your first kiss.
People at risk
According to system-vector psychology, the risk group includes the following categories of people:
- Skin vector. People with this type of psyche see threats everywhere. They imagine infections, viruses, and other dangers.
- Anal vector. These are very categorical people who are not used to parting with their beliefs. An example is men who do not want to enter into relationships with women who have already had intimate experience.
- Smell vector. They are repelled by the unpleasant smell.
- Tactile vector. These people protect their skin in every way, perceiving it as a border between the external and internal world.
- Visual vector. The reason is long-term observation of emotionless relationships, where one of the partners or both were cold, did not love each other, and suffered from philemaphobia.
You can interact with each of these people, if you take into account its characteristics.
It is important! Adolescents, suspicious and anxious individuals are at risk.
Should you ask permission?
Some guys, thinking about how to kiss a girl for the first time, are tormented by doubts about whether it is worth asking her permission at such a moment.
Especially if you want to kiss a friend’s girlfriend. Here you need to take into account a subtle psychological moment, whether the girl is ready for a kiss and how she feels about the guy himself. If she likes him, then it is important for her that he shows true masculine respect towards her.
If a young man takes and kisses a girl without permission and without ceremony, then she may perceive this as something that is not important to him and is completely indifferent to her opinion and desire.
The following arguments also support the idea that it is still worth asking permission:
- such behavior is an indicator of a man’s good upbringing;
- this demonstrates respect for the partner’s personality;
- sometimes girls are full of some kind of internal complexes and prohibitions, so a kiss without permission can only scare them away.
How to overcome fear and get rid of a phobia
The older the patient, the more difficult it is to cope with the phobia, but recovery can be achieved at any age. Success depends on the desire and activity of the person himself, and the correct treatment. That is why it is better to immediately contact a psychologist.
What you can do yourself
If pathology has not subdued you, and fear has not become obsessive, then you can do something yourself.
How to overcome fear and get rid of a phobia:
- Be careful if you wear braces or if you or your partner have a lip piercing;
- practice auto-training (self-hypnosis, reading affirmations in front of a mirror);
- Talk openly about your fears with your partner or loved one.
If you are embarrassed by the condition of your teeth or bad breath, then visit a dentist or gastroenterologist. A specialist will help solve the problem.
How to overcome the fear of the first kiss? You need to overcome the fear of failure and fear of rejection. First, you need to understand that refusals and failures happen to everyone. It's part of experience and development. Secondly, you need to learn to better understand other people and pick up non-verbal signals from the opposite sex.
Destroying Fears
Destroying fear involves getting closer to it. If you can kiss a loved one without a panic attack, then this can be considered a success. Instill in yourself the idea of the irrationality of fear and get closer to it: viewing photos, videos, a personal kiss on the forehead, cheek, lips. It is recommended to use art therapy. And also in this matter, the support of your partner is important; only together can you overcome the barrier.
Kissing techniques for treatment
You can find dozens of kissing techniques on the Internet, but psychologists note that there is no universal and correct technique, just as no two people or relationships are the same. You need to learn to understand, listen, feel your partner. This is true in everything: conversation, caresses, kisses. However, one of the techniques is recognized as healing - the Japanese kiss technique.
Advice from psychologists
Professional treatment uses individual and group psychotherapy. First, with the help of psychoanalysis, a psychologist determines the root cause of fear. At the same time, the psychologist analyzes the characteristics of the client’s development and life, the leading traits of his character, worldview, and conditions of upbringing. Based on the history obtained, the psychologist offers a correction program and exercises for joint and independent work.
How to overcome the fear of the first kiss:
- Imagine it. Feel the tastes, smells, emotions, feelings. Imagine your partner’s attractive behavior, advances on his part, and reciprocal attraction to you. Imagine the kiss itself in detail.
- Remember one of the heroes of the film. Imagine yourself in the image of a macho (fatal beauty), get used to the role.
- Remember any victory, not necessarily in the area of intimate relationships.
All three methods help to gain self-confidence. If they don't help, then try the opposite method of getting rid of fear. Imagine the worst-case scenario. Having experienced the negative in advance, the psyche will not want to return to it again, the anxiety will ease.
Before the kiss
Strange as it may seem, when preparing for a kiss, first of all you should think not about flowers, candles and other romantic attributes that make girls go crazy, but about personal hygiene. You can create an ideal atmosphere, decorate your apartment with pink balloons, but if you forget about fresh breath and cleanliness, then all your efforts will go down the drain.
Remember that girls are very scrupulous about the cleanliness and neatness of their chosen one, so pay special attention to the neatness of clothes and aroma. Of course, this doesn't mean you need to pour a liter of cologne on yourself before a date. Just keep in mind that there is nothing more pleasant than the smell of a clean body mixed with a hint of a good perfume.
It’s not even worth mentioning once again that it is necessary to regularly take care of oral hygiene and monitor the freshness of your breath.
Smooth and moisturized lips may not be among the top ten signs of a real macho, but for the first kiss this point is extremely important. Agree, it wouldn’t be very pleasant for you to kiss a girl who has chapped and rough lips.
If you suddenly get herpes from the stress before a date, it’s better to stock up on medicinal creams, but hold off on kissing.
Pay attention to your facial hair. If you do not grow a beard or mustache on purpose, then shaving before an important date will not be a bad idea. Perhaps your girlfriend likes a little stubble, but if you are not sure about this, then at such a crucial moment it is better not to take risks. If you love hipster style and have a beard, then just tidy it up.
Once you get your appearance in order, you will immediately feel that you worry much less. A well-groomed appearance cannot but add self-confidence. Of course, a certain nervous tension at such a moment is inevitable. Just remember that you shouldn’t follow his lead, tremble like a leaf and talk all sorts of nonsense.
A girl may misinterpret this behavior, and then a kiss may not come to fruition. Get in a positive mood, take a deep breath and think only about moments full of pleasure alone with the one you like.
Keep in mind that even if someone goes wrong, it’s not the end of the world. Don’t take rejection or a bad first experience as a death sentence. This is just an additional reason for further development and self-improvement.
The danger and consequences of philemaphobia
Because of the fear of kissing, the quality of personal and intimate life suffers. Most philemaphobes refuse relationships altogether. A phobia does not interfere with everyday life, does not interfere with professional self-realization, but it spoils personal life and interferes with the building of love and family. The patient becomes a recluse, his life turns into a “home-work-home” system. If the patient is afraid of any kisses, even friendly ones, then any exit from the house turns into stress, then work and meetings with friends are also under threat.
It is important! Because of loneliness and internal torment, neuroses and depression develop. Constant tension leads to the development of psychosomatic diseases.
