Selflessness is the ability of an individual to perform actions that bring benefits (material or psychological) to others, without expecting mutual gratitude, compensation or other benefit from what is done. Unselfishness as a personality quality places the personality itself among the very last points on the priority scale, being anti-striving, anti-possession, anti-dimension. In selflessness there is no expectation of benefit and no calculation of resources spent (neither money spent nor sleepless nights are important).
What is selflessness
By definition, selflessness is the ability to do good deeds without expecting anything in return. People with this quality provide material or psychological assistance without hoping to receive benefits, compensation, or even gratitude. They also do not calculate how much resources they spent.
Selflessness is often associated with inner freedom. This is a state when material calculation and commercialism are alien to a person. He does good deeds just like that, in order to make the lives of others at least a little better. There is no talk here about priorities and plans for the future.
Interesting! “Unselfishness is one of the most praiseworthy virtues that gives rise to good glory.” M. Cervantes
Selflessness is an intrapersonal quality. It manifests itself and is realized exclusively in actions, and not in words. It's being kind to others without expecting bonuses for yourself.
An unselfish person does not obey society and does not evaluate his actions in terms of consequences. That is why sometimes his behavior leads to personal losses. However, in return comes the joy of realizing that someone has become happier.
Many people are deceived into thinking that their actions are selfless. If you carefully analyze the motives, it turns out that they are driven by the desire to earn praise or gain trust.
Matrenin Dvor
A striking example of selflessness is the heroine of A. I. Solzhenitsyn’s story “Matrenin’s Dvor.” Matryona is a kind-hearted person, a kind of ideal of morality and even holiness, which the author so openly admires.
The story takes place in a village in the post-war period. A woman who has never been spoiled by life is ready to give up her own affairs and despise personal interests in order to help her family and neighbors . She does all the hard work, without asking for any payment or even a word of gratitude, and takes in the daughter of her former lover.
Matryona's sincere desire to help and pure soul evoke the admiration of the reader. However, those whom she bestows with her kindness do not show her due gratitude and use Matryona for their own selfish purposes. And yet the woman steadfastly endures the blows of fate - despite adversity, she does not become bitter and does not harbor anger towards those who offended her, and remains the true ideal of righteousness, without which “the village does not stand.”
Why you need to cultivate selflessness
We are initially born selfless. Doing good deeds for the benefit of others is a normal state. And that is what brings true happiness.
People have the opportunity to go one of two ways:
- Put yourself and your desires first. Show selfishness.
- Cultivate selflessness in yourself, becoming happier every day.
You can choose any option. The responsibility for the choice will still fall on your shoulders. But is it worth arguing with your nature?
For example, imagine a funny situation. The fish moves to land for further life. This is unnatural because it must live in water. Is not it? The same is true with selflessness. Developing it in yourself is natural. Don’t try to change human nature, “go on land.” This is the only way you will experience satisfaction.
French lessons
The teacher Lydia Mikhailovna from V. G. Rasputin’s story “French Lessons” can also be called a selfless and kind person. Her spiritual gentleness and responsiveness helped her to see in her student not a hooligan and a violator of discipline, but an intelligent and good boy, capable of science, but whose hunger pushed him to a serious offense - gambling .
Lidia Mikhailovna, despite her modest salary, helps the student with food and tries to feed him. Seeing that the boy is very proud, she sends him a parcel with pasta, supposedly from his mother. Even when the school principal catches a student and teacher gambling, she takes all the blame on herself, although she understands that it will cost her her job and reputation.
Lydia Mikhailovana does all this without any self-interest - she just wants with all her heart to help the boy learn and become a worthy person. It is the kindness and selflessness of the young teacher that saves the hero from expulsion from school and bad company and gives him a start in life.
Selfless - what kind of person is this?
So what does selflessness mean? This is helping other people without benefiting yourself. A selfless person invests energy, money and time in those around him. And these resources are not paid for, they do not pay off.
A person who does not think about benefits has a number of characteristic signs:
- Be honest with yourself and with others. Has no ulterior motives.
- Doesn't manipulate other people, doesn't resort to cunning.
- Shows compassion.
For such individuals, any reward for actions (psychological or material) is akin to punishment.
How others perceive him
Someone takes advantage of selfless people without any conscience. Others appreciate them, showing gratitude for their help. In general, it all depends on the character and personal qualities.
By the way, many people confuse selfless concern for the welfare of other people with altruism. There is a serious difference between these two concepts. The altruist's actions often cause him harm. All because he doesn't see the danger.
According to psychologists, altruists are very sensitive to negative changes in the environment. They let through themselves what is happening to others, their pain, emotions. Because of this, they themselves experience a storm of feelings. Unfortunately, not always pleasant ones.
How relationships with society are built
People who do good unselfishly are always ready to respond to requests for help. They are always for frankness and openness. Therefore, they easily establish contact with others.
Relationships with different social groups for unselfish people develop differently:
- In a family where complete trust reigns, connections will only strengthen. The absence of selfish motives and motives will help people become even closer to each other.
- Selflessness in a team can play a cruel joke. Colleagues often take advantage of kindness and dependability. A person rarely moves up the career ladder. Cannot defend his opinion and interests.
- In relationships with strangers, the situation is much more complicated than in previous cases. Excessive openness and gullibility very often lead to disappointment. In addition, unselfish people can be used for their own purposes and deceived.
A person who is ready to act selflessly for the benefit of others believes that those around him should be the same as him. This opinion prevents him from sensibly assessing the situation and people.
Selfishness and fears of the wisher
For an egoist, even charity, service, and love itself are selfish. Confusion, worry, prejudice and other forms of anxiety are dictated by the fear of not getting what we want from a person or the world. We treat a beggar more freely than someone who has what we want, just because we don’t need anything from a beggar. Therefore, self-interest finds a place where the desire to get something is stronger than the desire to do good, fulfill duty, make others happy and find happiness oneself through work . The desire for self-interest makes a person’s life unbearable, because the entire environment either “owes” him for certain reasons, or the same environment is perceived from a position of resentment, hatred, anger and disgust, because it turned out to be impossible to satisfy the desire.
Again, let us remember young people who communicate happily without even claiming to own each other. They do this selflessly, pleasure comes by itself, there is no tension in receiving pleasure between two lovers, it arises naturally. From here comes a pleasant feeling of novelty and the creation of a certain sacred feeling in a relationship, which is completely deprived of those who want to receive any specific pleasure, expecting something in advance. This connection is created by selflessness, without claims to any possession of the other person.
Gratitude from society, love from a partner and abundance from the world are what many people really want. However, for selfish people, these desires are only objects of prayer and requests, because it is unthinkable for a selfish person to give, and this is how a person is rewarded with love, gratitude, and abundance.
For this reason, we should not expect anything from others and the world, since otherwise even something good will be perceived as an old debt that should have been returned in an even larger amount a long time ago.
The fruits of self-interest
The fruits of self-interest are obvious, especially in relationships with other people. The brightest and, most often, final fruit of self-interest is disappointment . The hopes we ourselves placed on him did not come true and now we are in a state of permanent resentment towards a selfish world, a person or a society that thinks only about its own good. And not only does this feeling not go away, it also accumulates over the years, hardens and makes us perceive it, if not more acutely, but more thoroughly.
The second fruit of self-interest is resentment . Such a familiar feeling to all of us, which was both inside us and inside our partners. And the resentment directly stems from unfulfilled expectations and unfulfilled demands, and the saddest thing is that, more often than not, these demands and expectations were not discussed. So it turns out that in our heads we are right and we are waiting, but others don’t know about it. After all, most often, in our opinion, they should think about us and predict our desires by reading thoughts. But this, fortunately, is not the case.
We also recommend this article: The birth of human desires. Where do desires come from and arise?
The third feeling of self-interest is contempt . We often expect from society or specific people something that seems right to us. And if we don’t see this, or what’s worse, we see the opposite, this arrogant feeling of contempt immediately arises. “I’m right, but they’re wrong.”
Reasons for selflessness
Psychologists say that this quality appears either in childhood or in adulthood. Moreover, in the second case, tragic or inspiring events must occur in life.
Selflessness does not develop naturally, because the individual must have healthy egoism and fight for his life. And further. Depending on how you respond to manifestations of unselfishness, the quality develops or is eradicated, like other shortcomings.
Selflessness of a child
Unselfish children really need support and understanding from their parents. They must explain to the child how and why to help other people. This will help avoid two extremes: altruism and asceticism.
Unselfishness in an adult
In adults, quality develops only after a reassessment of values, a revision of priorities, and a change in view of the world.
It is difficult to say unequivocally whether selflessness that emerged in adulthood is harmful or not. Sometimes it is beneficial. In some cases, after traumatic situations, you may need the help of a psychologist or psychotherapist.
What is selflessness worth?
In the modern world, unselfish people have a difficult time. This is because there are those who use them with impunity. Let's give an example. You've probably seen stores that give out free bread to pensioners. For this purpose, a separate showcase is allocated in the sales area. The store owners don't expect anything in return. They just want to help those in need. And if at first the bread reaches its destination, then it is taken by those who do not need help at all.
Unfortunately, such cases happen everywhere. There are people who will not miss theirs. They will shamelessly take advantage of the selflessness and kindness of others.
The correct defensive reaction will help to avoid such situations. Learn to be discerning about your surroundings. And raise your children the same way. Show them that selflessness is not weakness.
Martin Eden
In Jack London's novel Martin Eden, poor and ordinary people are a true example of selflessness. One of these heroines is Maria Silva, a woman who does hard day labor and from whom Martin Eden rents a room. At first, she seems stupid and rude to the hero and even annoys him, but then he understands what a beautiful soul this woman has, hardened by the hardships of life and raising several children .
When Martin Eden finds himself without money and falls ill, Maria without hesitation comes to his aid. Despite the fact that the woman herself lives in poverty, she feeds the hero, essentially taking a piece of bread from her own children. He invites a doctor to see him, buys medicine, and does not charge Martin for the room.
A selfless and noble woman saves the hero’s life - thanks to her, Martin recovers and begins to write again.
How to develop selflessness
First you need to realize the lack of this quality. And then all that remains is to start acting. Look around: there are many people around who need your help. It could be an elderly woman with heavy bags. Or a friend who really needs psychological support.
There are many ways to develop selflessness:
- Feed homeless dogs and cats. And if possible, give someone your care and love.
- Get involved in volunteer activities. Help those who find themselves in difficult life situations.
- Perhaps one of your neighbors or acquaintances needs physical help. Why not help them clean their apartment or house, clear snow in the yard, or simply bring groceries?
- Keep order in your yard and entrance.
- Provide all possible assistance to orphanages, hospitals, hospices.
- Help those struggling with serious addictions.
- Collaborate with people and organizations that promote a healthy lifestyle, moral, spiritual, and family values.
- Share with people your knowledge on how to become successful. Be an example for them.
And the most important thing. Learn to live in such a way that selflessness manifests itself automatically. So that spontaneously helping others becomes the norm.
