People often wonder why one should never regret anything? This question is rather rhetorical, since a person experiences anxiety and discomfort during pity. He tries to correct the situation, to level it out at his own discretion, but he cannot do anything and falls into some despondency. The motives for this feeling can be conscious or unconscious, controllable or beyond reasonable limits. Experienced specialists helped to understand in what cases pity is necessary and when it becomes destructive.
State of pity
Pity is a feeling that has both positive and negative meanings. In our country, almost the entire population is endowed with this property, with the rare exception of a small percentage of people. But there are many countries in which you cannot feel sorry not only for strangers, but also for close people. This is regarded as humiliation or an encroachment on personal space. Moreover, in this case, both the one who does this and the one who is pitied are in a losing position. From this we can conclude that such a feeling only brings suffering and trouble. This is partly true if we take it literally. But there are many alternatives that can correct the situation. This is compassion, caring attitude towards oneself or another person, caring and other concepts that can and should replace blind pity. In a very real sense, it can sometimes be destructive because it provokes inaction and panic.
Causes
There are many thoughts on the topic of why you should not feel sorry for anything or anyone in this life. Before approaching the answer to this question, it is necessary to understand the reasons that provoke the emergence of this feeling. The main factors are:
- Excessive pity on the part of parents. If a child was too pitied and spoiled in childhood, he will grow up self-centered. There will definitely be a feeling of self-pity in him, and he will not be able to cope with even the most minimally extraordinary situation.
- Lack of pity on the part of parents. This is the second extreme, when the child did not see affection and care, as a result of which he grew up too compassionate towards others.
- A hopeless situation. For example, breaking up with a loved one or confronting a stronger opponent. A person cannot change the course of events because he loses to circumstances in all respects.
- Physical pain. In this case, a person inevitably feels sorry for himself.
- Injustice, resentment. These experiences can be a source of pity for oneself and others.
Pity for another. When is pity useful?
We will not talk about the pity of a parent for a child, the pity of a person for a sick animal, and so on. There is a slightly different pity, more understandable, not so contradictory.
Pity is more ambiguous in relationships that still presuppose equal, partner positions. For example, in a couple, in friendships, in relationships between adults. Eric Berne described them as the position of an Adult in relation to an Adult.
Pity is useful in the case when therapeutic support is provided, when we are “sick” with someone, as if we are getting used to the situation of another, and thus the person is not alone in difficult times, it is easier for him to survive difficult times.
Also, out of pity, we can help a loved one financially, by providing some kind of service, or by giving valuable information. And this help will really benefit him.
By being compassionate and helping a loved one, we look more generous in our own eyes. As a result, self-esteem increases. Sometimes it seems to us that we are more attractive to others at such moments.
The miraculous property of pity for the one who experiences it is a kind of therapy (healing) of oneself. By feeling pity and acting for the benefit of others, we become better and more holistic. But this happens if you regret it correctly. More on this at the end of the article.
Signs
Situations are common when a person comes to the conclusion that one should never regret anything. But it doesn't always work out the way you want. Symptoms and signs arise that you want to get rid of quickly, but you don’t always have the strength to do so. The following manifestations of pity are present in a person:
- Tears. This is the most common symptom, which is sometimes difficult for even representatives of the stronger sex to cope with (for example, the death of a loved one is experienced in this way).
- Bad mood. Nothing makes a person happy because his thoughts are occupied with one problem.
- Apathy. Absolute indifference and reluctance to do what you love and communicate with people is a sign of pity (for yourself or other people).
- Diseases and illnesses. Excessive worries that this feeling causes can provoke a number of minor or serious illnesses.
You can't feel sorry for men
One of the most common types of pity is pity for a man. We are talking not only about women's pity, but also about mother's pity. A man's life, by definition, should be difficult, with a series of failures and obstacles that stimulate him to develop and make him a real man. His self-esteem grows due to his own victories and achievements, and falls due to pity. In a male team you rarely find a feeling of pity and compassion for each other; rather, rigid, little emotional relationships reign there, which serve as the basis for the germination of male power. Any professional is ruthless.
In the circle of women, on the contrary, there are often feelings of compassion, pity, and protection of men from the difficulties they imagine. Mothers often senselessly feel sorry for their already adult sons, who strive to quickly escape from their mother’s care. If a woman, not realizing her mistake, continues to feel sorry for her husband or son, an imperceptible mechanism of personal self-destruction is triggered. Therefore, instead of saying: “You’re tired, honey, lie down, rest, don’t do it, I’ll do it myself,” you need to encourage and instill confidence: “You’ll succeed, don’t feel sorry for yourself, all you have to do is push yourself a little.” The consequences of endless pity for a man (which, in all likelihood, is hidden self-pity or another way of protecting the ego) can be so overwhelming that a woman subsequently will not be able to understand the source of its origin. A man’s will is gradually destroyed, self-esteem falls, uncertainty grows, family relationships deteriorate, an overwhelming feeling of laziness can lead to job loss, and irresponsibility can lead to a sadder outcome in the form of alcohol and drug addiction. Pity humiliates and destroys a man's personality.
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To other people
The argument that one should not feel sorry for people is erroneous. In order to understand this, we must consider the original part of this feeling. Each person proceeds from his life priorities, which are placed in favor of good or evil. Delving into the situation of another person, we project it onto ourselves, thereby experiencing a feeling of pity for ourselves.
There is a desire to console (not to take certain steps to normalize the situation, but to regret), hoping for similar actions addressed to you if a personal problem arises. For example, a lonely woman will feel sorry for her friend who was abandoned by her loved one. An unemployed person will treat a friend who has been laid off with understanding. But pity is not always necessary and creative. Sometimes it disguises gloating, hatred or selfish intent, and sometimes such a feeling becomes the cause of troubles on an even larger scale.
Pity from the word "sting"
“Zhalet” in Russian comes from the word “zhalit”, which means to prick, to hurt. In ancient Russian, the closely related word “zhelya” meant “sadness, sorrow”; to staroslav: “sorry” - “tomb”; in Latvian dzelt - “to stab”; English cwëlan - “to die”; Old-German quëlan “to experience pain.” The root “stings” has a negative meaning in the etymology of many ancient languages. Accordingly, pity cannot bring anything good.
How we act on a person by feeling sorry for him
Pity is an absolutely passive, inactive feeling, devoid of incentive to action and giving nothing but negative experiences.
What do we give to a person when we feel sorry for him? To understand this better, let’s imagine the situation again: you find out that your friend fell and broke his leg; he is lying at home in a cast. You feel a sincere desire to visit him. Arriving at his house and seeing him in this position, pity awakens in you, you sit down next to him and begin to lament what a poor fellow he is, how unlucky he is.
You are wondering how a friend got into such a situation and he tells you that he was walking down the street, accidentally came across a pothole, tripped, fell, and broke his leg.
You become immersed in this story, together you begin to scold the authorities for not allocating a budget for road repairs, utility services for their lack of initiative before the authorities, bad weather, a bad day, and everything in the world.
But perhaps your friend did not say that he was walking down the street, staring at the phone (as many people do now) or was so immersed in his “mental stirrer” that he was extremely inattentive. You don’t know how everything really happened, but you agree without a doubt that he is a victim, and by getting involved, you recognize yourself as a victim. After all, due to the negligence of the authorities and utility workers, you also risk finding yourself in such a situation.
In fact, you do not provide the person with any help, you do not give anything, pitying him and lamenting with him. There are no creative actions. And besides, you are wasting your energy.
Now the same situation, but without the feeling of pity: you go to visit a friend with a broken leg. You are also interested in what happened, but do not get involved in a situation that is already in the past and do not start “oohing” and “aahing”, but offer specific help to your friend.
No matter what, everyone will probably find something to help a person in difficult times, if not with material deeds, then with kind words, but certainly not with lamentations.
In the first case, we intensify the pain and experiences of the victim, helping him with our regrets to plunge even deeper into trouble. In addition, the person who regrets often experiences a feeling of superiority, saying out loud: “It’s a pity that everything is so bad for you” and thinking to himself “Thank God that everything is fine with me.” The victim feels enslaved, worthless, unlucky, defective, pathetic.
In the second case, we give the person support, specific help, encourage him, and assure him that everything will work out. The victim feels complicity and a concrete shoulder to lean on in difficult times. And the supporter saves himself from negative experiences and unnecessary waste of energy.
To yourself
Experienced specialists are trying to convey to people the truth about why they shouldn’t feel sorry for themselves. This feeling is a bad habit that prevents a person from maintaining confidence when getting into difficult life situations. People stop struggling with difficulties, fall into panic and despair, and become absolutely helpless in the face of circumstances. Many even stop fulfilling their direct responsibilities (for example, feeling sorry for themselves and sleeping longer instead of showing up for work on time).
A person who constantly feels sorry for himself enters into this image and gets used to it. He has no joys in life, except to always complain about fate. He rarely experiences real happiness because he does not receive true pleasure from it. He experiences real pleasure only when he is pitied. That is why in all, even the most positive aspects, such a person looks for the negative in order to get his portion of sympathy.
Should I get rid of the feeling of pity?
The feeling of pity has many faces, so you need to treat it consciously, differentiating when and who you should feel sorry for. It is impossible to get rid of it because it is of biological origin. But it is quite possible to replace it with such a feeling as love, which, as we know, is not always merciful and does not tolerate attachments. Instead of showing pity, you can help solve the problem constructively. The willingness to selflessly help one's neighbor is associated with the “adult-adult” positions, while pride, anger, and hatred disguised as pity correspond to the “child-child” relationship. True feelings of pity-understanding, pity-acceptance evoke in a person love for himself and for the world and allow him, like a hunted animal, to stop in time to understand the true motives of selfish aspirations.
Author Yulia Savelyeva
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To the circumstances
It's safe to say that you can't regret the past. The classic expression “what's past will be sweet” should be taken literally. Negative aspects always fade into the background, and a person remembers only the best, so there is no point in regretting the experience. You can briefly immerse yourself in pleasant memories, draw reasonable conclusions from past experiences, but do not torment yourself with regrets. Similar recommendations can be given regarding the events of today. There is no need to regret that you missed a train or plane, did not submit a report on time, or treated your loved one rudely.
It is worth drawing conclusions or simply restraining your emotions. You cannot regret anything, because this path leads to further defeats. Sometimes people know that they will regret what they did, but they act contrary to their logic. Then they simply throw up their hands, demonstrate their readiness for such a result and begin to mourn themselves (sometimes figuratively, and in some cases literally).
Psychology of emotions
At the heart of any emotion is a need. Man, unlike animals, is endowed, in addition to the biological needs for food, warmth and movement, with social needs. In the course of development, emotions are differentiated and form diverse types of higher emotional processes: intellectual, aesthetic, socio-biological, which constitute a mixed emotional state and mental content of human life. Higher needs are autonomous; they are determined not by instincts, but by social demands.
According to A. Maslow's theory, human needs and requirements have their own strict hierarchy. Initially, we need to satisfy physiological needs, then on the list: safety needs; in belonging and love; in recognition; in self-actualization; in knowledge and understanding, and, finally, in satisfying aesthetic needs. Failure to satisfy any of these needs causes different emotions, one of which is self-pity.
Turning directly to human experience, we can distinguish two forms of feelings: pleasure or displeasure. In other words, excitement and calm, tension and resolution, joy and grief. The highest degree of calm is depression. To protect a person from unnecessary shocks and depression, consciousness comes up with various mechanisms to protect the body.
Mechanisms for protecting consciousness from depression and shock
| Sublimation – redirection of sexual or aggressive energy to other goals, creative, intellectual or cultural. |
| Repression – suppression of anxiety in order to avoid an outbreak of conflict. But the repressed element remains an unconscious part of the soul, the problem is not solved, but pushed aside. |
| Negation – a categorical refusal to actually perceive the event. |
| Reactive formations - substitution of one feeling for another, diametrically opposed. This is usually an unconscious inversion of a need. |
| Projection - a defense mechanism conditioned by attributing to another being qualities and feelings that emanate from the subject of the situation. |
| Insulation – separation from the soul of that part of it that causes anxiety, depriving it of an emotional reaction. |
| Regression – return to the previous level of perception or to the childish way of expressing feelings. |
| Rationalization - a way in which a person justifies his behavior by seeking acceptable explanations for unacceptable thoughts or actions. |
Human emotions are long-term states caused either by the situation or by anticipation of the situation (ideational). Often the event has not yet occurred, but people already have an idea of the outcome and begin to worry. A person’s emotional experience is much broader than his own experiences, since it is based on the cultural experience of ancestors and is transmitted through empathy with other people and works of art.
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Benefit
There is no less benefit from pity than from its absence. It would be a mistake to think that you should never feel sorry for yourself, since in some cases this saves you from inevitable disaster. A person must take care of himself if they begin to manipulate him, shift his problems, and force him to make decisions for other people. You need to feel sorry for yourself if you have to work very hard without rest, limit yourself to nutritious food, or deprive yourself of simple earthly joys. In this case, such a feeling will be appropriate and useful, since a person in his consciousness should be a priority for himself.
The benefits of compassion are manifested if you feel sorry for your child in moderation. For example, when the baby fell and hurt himself. The pity of the parents in this case is a demonstration of their love for him, his support, support and reassurance. So the child begins to understand that he needs to do similar things, and also come to the rescue when required.
The benefits of pity are also very great for adults. There are many cases when a person does not need help, but is looking forward to a feeling of compassion (especially in the first minutes of grief, when simple consolation and support is needed). You need to feel sorry for everyone within reasonable limits: children, old people, sick and healthy people, animals, plants, nature.
A pity
We sometimes feel sorry for people who do not know pity for themselves or others.
Emily Brontë
We are all very familiar with such a feeling as pity, which, on the one hand, seems to be a very good and in some cases even necessary quality for a person, and at the same time it often betrays us, forcing us to feel sorry for people who absolutely do not deserve any pity .
Or there are even worse situations when a person feels sorry for himself and thus indulges his weakness, seeks excuses for his failures and shifts responsibility for them to other people. Such pity, without a doubt, is harmful to a person. And here the question arises - how, in fact, to distinguish useful pity from harmful, and how to suppress this harmful pity in yourself? So, in this article, let’s answer this and some other, also very important questions related to the feeling of pity, and at the same time find out what pity is. First of all, I will give a brief definition of pity so that we all understand perfectly what we are dealing with. Pity is a feeling of discomfort, which manifests itself in the form of condescending compassion, condolences, mercy, sadness, regret. We can experience this feeling both in relation to ourselves and in relation to other people. I would also say that pity is one of the forms of a person’s dependence on society, this is when it comes to pity for other people. Because, pitying other people, a person partly feels sorry for himself, because at this moment he treats other people the way he would like them to treat him when he finds himself in the same situation as them. And the fact that we or other people need precisely pity in certain situations, and nothing else, we not only and not so much understand as we feel. After all, where did we get the idea that people need to be pitied? We feel it, right? We not only know about this, but we feel that people in a given situation need to be pitied, since from time to time we ourselves feel the need for self-pity. Is it good or bad? Let's figure it out.
Pity for others
First, let's look at pity for other people in order to understand when and why we feel sorry for someone and where this pity leads us. Usually we proceed from certain ideas about good and evil, good and bad, right or wrong, when we do something, in this case, we feel sorry for someone. Also, we impose the situation in which the other person finds himself on ourselves and thus, by feeling sorry for him, we seem to feel sorry for ourselves. That is, we proceed from the fact that in a certain situation a person needs to be pitied, precisely to be pitied, not to cheer him up, not to be ignored, not to do anything else with him, but to be pitied. Consequently, if we find ourselves in exactly the same situation, we expect that we will also be pitied. And what happens to us in the end? What happens is that in some situations, our pity actually benefits both ourselves and the people we pity, while in others it harms them, us, or only us. Well, for example, you felt sorry for your child who fell, say, from a swing and hit himself painfully. He is hurt, offended, he needs support from you, which you can give him in the form of pity. He wants to be pitied, and you do it. And when you feel sorry for him, you show him your love and care in this way, which strengthens his trust in you and plants in him the seed of love for other people, primarily for you. That is, when we feel sorry for someone, we show this person that we care about him, and in some cases we let him know that we love him, that we sympathize with him, that we share with him his pain, suffering, resentment and etc. In situations like these, pity is very useful. Kindness itself is very useful - it makes us human.
So we need to be able to feel sorry for people, even if not all of them and not always, but in general we should be able to do this, because this is a very useful skill. After all, many people need pity, especially children, who expect it primarily from their parents. But many adults also love it when people feel sorry for them. People expect pity from others, they often count on it, they look for it. And if you can give them this pity when it is required, you will gain trust in them, which sometimes, you will agree, is very important for establishing useful connections. If you are a ruthless, cold, indifferent person who does nothing good for other people, then you are unlikely to be able to enlist their support when you need it. Few people are eager to help those who never help anyone themselves. So pity, as one of the manifestations of kindness, has its price in this world. Although people often take advantage of our pity in the most ruthless and immoral way. They can manipulate us with its help or simply be ungrateful that we took pity on them. It is what it is. I'm sure you've encountered people who spat in your soul in response to your pity and kindness. However, because of people like this, we shouldn’t think that our pity is our enemy. This is wrong. Our pity can also be our ally, helping us establish warm and friendly relationships with many people, especially with those who are commonly called normal people. Therefore, you should not worry too much about the problems that arise due to the manifestation of this feeling. You just need to start controlling it in order to understand who and in what situation you should feel sorry for, and who you should treat coldly and with indifference. Now let’s turn our attention to this.
What is important to consider here? It is important to always take into account your benefit, primarily in the medium and long term, in order to understand where your action, that is, your expression of pity in a given situation, will ultimately lead you. Let's say you took pity on a person and did something good for him. And it seems like it didn’t give you anything. The person disappeared from your life or continues to live as he lived, without considering it necessary to somehow thank you for your help, for your kindness. And so you think that you took pity on the person, but there’s no point in doing so. And you may begin to regret your actions. Still, what can I say, we are not always ready to do everything completely unselfishly. But don't rush to conclusions. It's not all that obvious here. Firstly, as you know, they don’t seek goodness from goodness, and if you took pity on someone and helped someone, then you shouldn’t think that this person now owes you. Pity and kindness are not things that need to be traded, although people manage to do this too. And secondly, if we talk about benefits, how do you know when and in what form you will receive it? That is, how do you know in what form your goodness will return to you?
Understand that the effect of one or another of our actions is always much larger than what we can see and understand, and therefore much more difficult to evaluate. In addition, this effect is extended over time and you never know where your action will ultimately lead you in the long term. When you feel sorry for another person, even an ungrateful one, you show yourself as a person, as a person, not only to him, but also to other people who form their opinion about you based on your actions and according to their beliefs and values. That is, by your actions you tell other people what kind of person you are. And when a certain opinion is formed about you, as a rule, positive, because kind people are loved, even if they are not always respected and appreciated, but they are loved, then all normal people know that you are the kind of person whom it makes sense to help, suggest, and whom one can feel sorry for. , if you need it. Therefore, even if it is not the person whom you took pity on and whom you helped, he will help you in return, but many other people, knowing about your good deed, can do it for him. In addition, some people do not thank immediately, but after some time, when they have such an opportunity. You, I repeat, by taking pity on the person, showed yourself to him, you showed that you can be humane, and this, no matter what you say, inspires trust. Thus, by helping other people, including pitying them, you can earn yourself a good reputation - a reputation as a normal, sympathetic, kind person. That is, with your good deeds you make a name for yourself, which, as you know, can work for a person all his life.
Of course, any name, even the kindest and most honest one, can be spoiled, denigrated, and discredited. But, you know, friends, when you personally know well a person with whom you have dealt many times and who has never let you down, deceived you, or used you, but on the contrary, helped you, you will never believe in any nasty thing that his ill-wishers will spread things about him. Therefore, if you felt sorry for someone, someone who really needed it and deserved it, then rest assured that he will most likely begin to think very well of you and will never believe anyone who speaks badly about you. So from this point of view, showing pity in those situations when you need to help a person, support him, restore his faith in the best, faith in himself, and not think about how beneficial it is for you right now, can be very beneficial. Your past actions can serve you very well in the future. People, no matter what they are, for the most part, still try to reach out to good, kind, normal people who can be trusted and relied on.
But not everything is as simple and beautiful as we would like. If our goodness always returned to us like a boomerang, we would all be very kind and would constantly help each other and feel sorry for each other. However, in real life, a good deed, a good deed, is not only not always rewarded, but sometimes even punished, but is not always a good deed or a good deed. You may be mistaken in believing that by feeling sorry for this or that person, in one way or another, you have done a good deed. Our pity can turn out to be very harmful, and therefore, as I said at the very beginning, we need to be able to distinguish it from useful pity. Let's give another example of pity. Suppose you feel sorry for someone, for example, the same child, while trying to protect him from pain, not letting him on the same swing from which he might fall, trying to protect him from difficulties, saving him from hard work, for example, during study, protecting him from fear, protecting him from unpleasant information, from suffering, and also protecting him from meeting bad people, from your point of view, and so on. So, with all these prohibitions and excessive care for your child, you prevent him from fully developing, gaining useful life experience, you prevent him from overcoming difficulties, and you prevent him from learning to get up after a fall. That is, such excessive, inappropriate, wrong pity prevents a person from becoming stronger. This, of course, harms him, and it is especially harmful for the child, who needs to learn to live in the real world, and not hide in the “greenhouse” you created for him. Do you understand what the problem is here? We must be able to fall and we must be able to rise, on our own, without outside help, in order to be as adapted to life as possible. And this needs to be learned. And in order to learn this, you cannot avoid difficulties, you cannot avoid pain, you cannot protect yourself from everything that you do not like and that you are afraid of. And even more so, you cannot protect other people from this, in particular children, especially children for whom it is important to learn to be strong. Therefore, a child and any person in general must suffer. You see, I should. And if someone’s pity prevents him from doing this, then it simply harms him. After all, when we get used to this pity, we only look for it everywhere, instead of struggling with difficulties, overcoming them and always relying primarily on our own strengths.
Besides, our pity often lets us down, as I’m sure you know very well. It happens that you feel sorry for a person, help him, and then he will do something bad to you in return. Let him not do this on purpose, but by inertia, for example, climb onto your neck and constantly ask you to help him. In the end, it will turn out like in the parable about the donkey and the bull, in which the simple-minded donkey, wanting to help the bull, began to do hard work for him, that is, he took on his burden, to his own detriment. Such pity on your part will simply leave you in the cold. In addition, some people, as you know, perceive other people's pity as weakness and take advantage of it - putting pressure on this feeling in order to gain some benefit. This is a very ugly and even disgusting manipulation, which is used, for example, by the same beggars who do not want to work. And we, it seems, have all our hearts for the person, we feel sorry for him, we want to help him, but he craps into our souls. A familiar situation, That's it. That’s why it’s important to understand who deserves our pity and in what situations, and who doesn’t. Let's return to this issue a little later, below I will tell you how to get rid of the feeling of pity, and there we will raise it again. In the meantime, let's talk a little about an equally harmful form of pity - self-pity.
Self pity
Self-pity is a very harmful habit for a person, developed as a result of his inability to cope with difficulties, his inability to solve problems and his lack of self-confidence. It may be due to the fact that in childhood a person was pitied too much and too often, as a result of which the line between his parents showing love for him and that very excessive care for him that I wrote about above was simply erased. That is, excessive care for a person is detrimental to him. In such cases they say: “If you want to destroy a person, start feeling sorry for him.” And I would clarify: if you want to destroy a person, pinch or squeeze him. This will be more correct. And in the end, what happens is that a person is accustomed to pity, he does not perceive his weakness as something wrong, abnormal, unnecessary for him, which he needs to get rid of, but instead he can even enjoy it. So, from a seemingly noble act, pity can turn into one of the forms of a person’s dependence on external circumstances and other people, with which a person can live his whole life. After all, it is always easier to justify your weakness, laziness, stupidity, your mistakes than to correct them. And in order to do this, you need to feel sorry for yourself, make yourself a victim of circumstances in your own eyes, and, if possible, in the eyes of other people, so that they pat you on the head and wipe your nose. All this, of course, is very touching, but not useful.
Some people like to suffer, cry, complain about their lives, pour out their souls to someone to calm themselves down. And you know that, sometimes, I emphasize, sometimes, they really need it in order to unload, to cleanse themselves of bad thoughts, to get rid of pain, to get rid of that unnecessary burden that has accumulated in their soul as a result of an unfavorable combination of circumstances and their own mistakes. But such cleansing should not become an end in itself. You can’t constantly feel sorry for yourself just to do nothing and blame everything on circumstances and other people, and even on yourself, just to, I repeat, do nothing. Pity - it’s like a sting - stings right in the heart, and we do it to ourselves, we pity ourselves, we ourselves suppress our will when we feel sorry for ourselves. So you need to get rid of harmful pity, and below we will talk about how to do this.
How to get rid of feelings of pity
Well, now let's look at what is probably the most important question for some of you - the question of how to get rid of feelings of pity. From the very pity that harms you and prevents you from achieving your goals. I, of course, understand perfectly well that sometimes we need to make this difficult choice for many of us - between other people’s interests, other people’s well-being and personal gain, and it needs to be done in such a way as not to be left in the cold, so as not to lose, so to speak. At the same time, your conscience may tell you one thing, and your mind another. On the one hand, you will feel sorry for the person if you don’t feel sorry for him, but on the other hand, you need to take care of yourself, solve your problems and tasks. So, sometimes, yes, you need to forget about pity, even when people really need it, and act in a way that benefits you. Therefore, this choice can be called a choice between conscience and profit. How to do it?
Friends, let’s use logic and think about whether our and in particular your help to those people who, from your point of view, need it, is really what they really need? Now, suppose you felt sorry for a person, so what? Has the world changed for the better? Has this person changed for the better? Or maybe you have become better? Hardly. Or rather, our pity does not always lead to something good. And often no one needs our pity at all. Do you know why? Because people should be independent, responsible and strong, and not rely on the pity of others. In addition, do not forget that you owe yourself no less than others. I'm talking about those cases when you feel sorry for someone to the detriment of your interests. We are, of course, taught to be altruists, taught to help other people, taught to be kind and good, so that the lives of all people as a whole would be better. And indeed, it is impossible without this - the world cannot and should not consist of only heartless and ruthless egoists, otherwise it will be impossible to live in it. Nevertheless, no one will deny that the same evil, no matter how anyone understands it, was, is and will be, which means that such actions that, let’s say, will go against our conscience, are not only inevitable, but they must be in our lives. In other words, no matter how much you feel sorry for other people, the world will not change much because there was good and evil in it, so they will be, because they must be. And you, as a person, will always remain a sinner, both from the point of view of “original sin” and from the point of view of common sense. Because you cannot always do good and right, always and everywhere do good, no matter how much you want to. Because life cannot consist only of good, there must also be evil in it, otherwise we will not understand what good is. In that case, why don't you do what your mind tells you to do instead of trying to be what you think you should be? Why would you feel sorry for people in situations where it makes no sense? If you do not feel sorry for a person in a situation where it is not beneficial for you, you will not become worse because of this, you will simply do something for yourself, and not for this person. And, as I already said, you owe yourself no less than others, and perhaps even more.
Besides this, as I already said, your pity, like your help, may actually not be needed by anyone in most cases. In some situations, you will think that by pitying a person you are doing good, but in fact you can harm him by indulging his weakness, laziness, stupidity, irresponsibility, and so on. Do you know what I mean? For example, the same beggars do not always need to give, because by doing this you only help them remain poor, because they do not need to work, they do not need to do anything useful for society or themselves, because good people will still give bread. Why does this world need people who don’t want to do anything? Think about it, think about the meaning of your pity and excessive kindness. After all, all your decisions and actions depend on the attitudes that are in your head, and believe me, they are not always correct. To understand that pity, whether for yourself or for others, is not always appropriate - do not put yourself before a choice between good and evil, put yourself before a choice between two or more evils. Do you feel the difference? Our good deeds are not always truly good and correct. So I repeat - choose between two or more evils, and not between good and evil, choose between your different right actions, and not between right and wrong. This makes it easier to ignore the voice of conscience, which makes you feel sorry for others, including to the detriment of yourself, and including to the detriment of those whom you feel sorry for.
Now let's move on to heavier artillery in our fight against unnecessary, unnecessary and harmful pity. And to do this, let's ask ourselves a more fundamental question - do people deserve pity at all? In your life, what kind of people were there more, those who, if you pitied them, became better, kinder, more honest, more decent, or those who perceived your pity as your weakness and climbed on your neck or other people who pitied them? As you can see, I am not asserting anything, but I suggest you think about your attitude towards other people, about your opinion about them. It is quite obvious that many, or maybe only some people, you know better, whom you feel sorry for, felt sorry for, or may feel sorry for in the future, may not deserve this very pity. When you show pity for other people, you base your decisions on the understanding that these people, for the most part, are good, kind, honest and decent, so you need to feel sorry for them, you need to help them. But I know that there are people who, in their decisions, proceed from the fact that all people are bad, evil, vicious and they do not deserve any pity. And these people who think so have no problems with feelings of pity and conscience. Therefore, for you, friends, it is advisable, if the feeling of pity really bothers you, excuse the expression, to proceed, first of all, from the understanding that all, well, almost all people are bad and evil, and therefore it is not just unprofitable to feel sorry for them , but even harmful. Because they don't deserve pity. I understand that this may not sound entirely objective, not quite beautiful and not entirely correct. But if you constantly feel sorry for everyone and do it to your own detriment, then you need such an attitude in order to simply change your attitude towards other people for the worse on an emotional level, and then you will lose the desire to feel sorry for them and help them. But I warn you that you under no circumstances need to become a ruthless misanthrope and misanthrope. And it’s not even that it’s just not good – it’s unprofitable. Bad, angry, cruel people who hate everyone and never help anyone often receive the same bad attitude towards themselves. Fierce hatred of people, as well as excessive love for them, is simply the other extreme, which also must be avoided.
Now let's draw your attention to another very important reason why people feel pity for others. To do this, I will ask you a provocative question - isn’t your pity for other people connected with self-pity? Wait, don’t rush to answer it, think a little about it. You need to understand the motive behind your actions. The fact is that many people who feel pity for others subconsciously expect the same pity for themselves. And she, too, as we found out, is very harmful to humans. And if you want to be pitied, so you yourself feel sorry for others, then you need to solve the problem with your weakness, since self-pity is associated with it. You need to hate this weakness, roughly speaking, in order to want to get rid of it. A strong person does not need other people's pity; moreover, for him it is very suspicious, since it makes him think that someone is trying to gain his trust in this way. Weak people, on the contrary, ask for pity for themselves and for this they can feel sorry for others. That is, the problem of pity in this case is largely related to a person’s weakness, which he needs to get rid of. In addition, if we proceed from the idea I indicated above that many people are evil, bad, vicious, then you can rest assured that most of those whom you have pitied will not regret you. Think about it. After all, the less you begin to see good in other people, the less you will count on them and the less you will feel sorry for them. So don’t expect pity from people, even if some of them can give it to you, and without any self-interest, still don’t expect it, because many of them will not feel sorry for you.
And of course, you need to learn to rely more on yourself, so as not to seek consolation in pity, but in strength, your own strength, in your own capabilities. You need self-confidence, not pity. When you are confident enough in yourself, you will begin to rely less on other people and therefore the need to help them, subconsciously or consciously counting on reciprocity, that is, that they will also help you when you need their help, you will no longer be there. And if you also begin to clearly understand that your help and your pity for another person will result in not just a loss of some benefit for you, but also certain problems, then you will no longer have either the desire or any reason to feel sorry help someone and someone. So, in order not to count on other people - on their pity and help, just get into your head the idea that all people, with rare exceptions, are evil and bad, and that they not only don’t need your help, but it is also harmful, both for you and for them. I won’t say that this is an entirely correct attitude, that feeling sorry for other people and counting on their pity yourself, and also believing that all people are bad and evil is correct, but I repeat, in cases where a feeling of pity prevents you from living and you If you can’t consciously control it, you can fight it this way.
In general, we need pity. Without it, life in our society will become much more difficult. I believe that people need to feel sorry for each other, but only in special cases when it is really necessary. Pity helps to get rid of mental pain, and with its help you can provide the necessary support to a person in trouble. This feeling in itself humanizes people, it helps them trust each other more, helps them get through difficult times, and allows them to show love to each other. But we should not forget that we must always look at life from different sides, including from the side that shows us its dark side, on which any, even the most sacred feelings, are used by some very cynical, immoral and in a ruthless manner. Therefore, pity can be both a holy and at the same time a cruel feeling, causing harm to the one who pities someone, the one who is pitied, and the one who feels sorry for himself. Do not paint this feeling with one brush, do not think that it can always be only harmful or only useful, or be solely a manifestation of weakness. Your task is to rid yourself of the extremes to which you can fall because of this feeling, so as not to be too kind or too evil. Then you can use pity for your own benefit, rather than being led by it.
Harm
Such a feeling can do a lot of harm, since you cannot feel sorry mindlessly and immensely without objectively assessing the situation. In no case is it recommended to constantly feel sorry for children, protecting them from any danger. For example, parents do not allow their child to walk in the yard, because there are dangerous swings, hard asphalt, sometimes cars pass by and ill-mannered children walk around. The child also does nothing at home, since cleaning will seem too hard for him, and cooking or handicrafts will seem dangerous. Such people feel sorry for their baby and try to protect him from all possible troubles. But this feeling is destructive, because it does not allow a growing person to come into contact with reality and the truth of life. He will not be able to cope with difficulties on his own and will become absolutely helpless if he is left alone.
Adults can also feel the harm of compassion. For example, when a person is pitied and assured that the situation will resolve itself, at a time when it is necessary to act. Being in a state close to shock, the victim (in a moral or physical sense) relies on a person who pities him. But when time is lost, you have to pay for your inaction.
Advice from psychologists
Psychologists insist that you should not feel sorry for people and yourself excessively, as this can lead to dire consequences. You should not abuse this feeling if it contributes to the weakening of the personality. In relationships with other people, priorities should always be set in your favor. There is no need to take on other people's problems or experience negative situations on an equal basis with the person to whom they are addressed. In this case, both parties will suffer: the one who is pitied will be disappointed in his hopes, and the one who does this will take on an unbearable burden of negative energy.
Everything should be in moderation, and pity must be present, since it is the main form of kindness.
Pity and compassion are different feelings
The problem with many people is that they confuse pity with mercy and compassion. And these are different things.
Here again, it will be clearer with an example: imagine that you are walking on a rainy, chilly day and see a wet kitten, shivering from the cold, on the side of the road. You can feel sorry for him, thinking “poor thing,” and pass by in the hope that someone else will save the poor guy. Yes, you sincerely feel sorry for him, but you have a thousand reasons not to take him for yourself.
Another case is mercy. You show the mercy and kindness of your heart and warm the kitten with the warmth of your soul. You sympathize, empathize, feeling his pain, and help to make it easier for both you and him.
Showing mercy and compassion is a concrete action. By showing pity, you literally drag the person in trouble even deeper into the problem and do nothing to help. You sting, you hurt.
