The ability to speak in front of an audience and do it confidently is necessary only for famous speakers who gather large halls. Or not? In fact, this skill is also important in everyday communication. It helps improve relationships with others and more. How to gain confidence in speech and in yourself?
What you say is certainly important. At the same time, how you speak is also important. The manner of speech, its tone, pace and rhythm, as well as your posture and gestures convey a lot of information to your interlocutors. Confident speech works wonders: it helps its owner, first of all, to believe in himself, and in addition, to establish quality relationships with other people, achieve his goals and even make his wildest dreams come true.
Learning to speak confidently is possible; it’s a skill like any other. HR specialist George J. Ziogas shares strategies and techniques for developing confidence in everyday speech and public speaking.
The article will be useful to those who want to get rid of the fear of public speaking, gain the attention of the audience and present themselves, as well as their projects, without a shadow of a doubt.
To learn to speak confidently, you should not neglect general advice: you need to practice often and analyze mistakes all the time, drawing conclusions. It is important to use the correct methods.
Speak slowly
Speech often reveals the speaker's excitement. One clear indicator is speaking too quickly. It doesn't just tell others that you're worried, it lets them know that you can't control yourself.
In everyday life, monitor the speed at which you speak and adjust it if necessary. This way you will learn to notice that you are starting to chatter and control it. When speaking in front of a large audience, try to maintain your usual speaking pace in a calm environment. This will put your listeners at ease and make them feel like you want to connect with them and also make them feel confident. In addition, speaking slowly will give you more time to think about your next sentences.
How to stop being shy, withdrawn and insecure: general advice from a psychologist
But not everything is so bad, you can loosen up and stop being shy on your own, it is important to have the desire to change your behavior and your life. First you need to understand yourself - this is the first advice of all psychologists who can help you in the slightest way.
- Determine when exactly you are most shy, blush and feel insecure. It will be even better if you write down your answers. This will help you when analyzing and finding a solution on how to stop being afraid of people and being shy...
- Think about what you look like when you're not shy. This is a kind of affirmation that will help you overcome your problem.
- Identify the main complaints against yourself and try to replace them in a positive way.
- Try to joke and perceive everything that happens in life with humor. Even if this is the most disastrous performance in front of an audience, even if you didn’t impress your boyfriend or girlfriend in something, but this is not a reason to set yourself on fire.
Take some practical advice from a psychologist, which, by the way, is very effective in overcoming shyness.
Realize the importance of self-confidence
It’s easy to let things take their course, but such a decision will not bring you any results. Therefore, it is important for you to live and feel that confidence helps you defend yourself from the attacks of surrounding people and situations. The absence of excessive shyness will help build a shield, “build up fat” to withstand the challenges of fate. I understand that these are just words, well, let’s move on...
Understand, recognize your strengths as well as your weaknesses
Each person is a unique personality, which cannot be duplicated on the entire planet. Everyone has their own set of strengths and weaknesses that shape that unique personality. Write or talk about your strengths and weaknesses before an important meeting or speech.
For example, you are afraid of cameras like hell. But you have a challenge - to perform in the studio in the evening on camera. Knowing your weaknesses, sit so that you look at the audience, the presenter, and not at the lens.
If you go for an interview, try to avoid topics that compromise you, for example, do not focus on your habit of being late for work. In contrast, emphasize that you are decisive, efficient and conscientious. However, you shouldn’t drink anything to stop being shy, so to speak, to maintain good spirits. This is not the way to increase self-esteem and confidence!
Train yourself to evaluate yourself
Self-esteem is a fickle characteristic. In the company of intellectuals, an ordinary builder will feel, to put it mildly, out of place. And in the company of plumbers, a master of philosophy will temporarily feel out of place. The same thing happens with your appearance: among short people you may be embarrassed by your height, and among thin people, excess weight will remind you, drill your brain until the end of communication.
To train self-esteem, you need to remember the basic techniques:
- Respect yourself - this is the option when the “doctor orders” to practice emergency situations within the limits of reason, but you can’t rely on a sense of self-importance alone, since this feeling destroys the personality. Here it is important to set your own boundaries: say “no” in time, not do things that offend you, take care of yourself physically and psychologically.
- Avoid negative thinking. It really ruins life. It’s like you’re mired in a swamp that you can’t pull yourself out of. Tune in to the positive, find positive aspects in various difficulties, do not argue over trifles, resolve conflicts as quickly as possible.
- Notice your victories. Don't let it look like bragging, but highlight your achievements and victories. For example, you are a teenager and you are no longer embarrassed by acne. Or you are no longer attracted to jokes about braces, you are not ashamed of your smile.
And inside yourself, before some important step, constantly remind yourself “I can do it,” “I will succeed,” “I will achieve this.”
After self-assessment, increase confidence
Confidence opens many doors for a person. Such people achieve their goals and feel successful in the business they undertake. The main thing is to believe in your capabilities.
How to increase confidence? Simultaneously simple and complex. First, try to remember bright moments in your life where you achieved something. How did you feel? Remember what surrounded you at that moment. Now fast forward to the present. If you have managed to achieve something before and feel like a winner, then you should try today!
In a healthy body healthy mind
To attack uncertainty on all fronts, you will have to work a little. Start with facial expressions - this is the first traitor and giver of shyness. Therefore, practice a light, confident smile in response to all adversity. Pay attention to your back and head - slouching and a depressed head indicate insecurity.
Start changing yourself: walk straight, strengthen your muscles, do exercises in the morning. This will help you recharge yourself with positivity and health for the whole day.
Learning to communicate spontaneously
It is important here to overcome the fear of condemnation, misunderstanding and evaluation of others. Get distracted more often, count the number of “peek-a-boo” cuckoos, look at the spring sun through the cherry blossoms, walk through puddles and look at your reflection in them. Distraction from your “consuming” thoughts and victory over complexes will help you communicate openly and spontaneously.
I never thought about it, but one of the first fears that insecure people have is the fear of spontaneous communication. Such interlocutors are afraid to say something wrong or not to support the topic. But you have the right to do so! You can make mistakes, express your opinion, talk about a topic that YOU like!
By the way, fear of the public is also based on the fear of spontaneity, discomfort, when something goes wrong. But training in spontaneous communication will help overcome this problem.
Listen to other people
Changing the vector of attention from yourself to other people will help you stop being a shy, withdrawn, insecure person. Listen to what others say, how they behave, what they advise. This will distract your brain from failure and pessimistic thinking.
Attentiveness to the words of other people will encourage you to build a dialogue with them and communicate. During such interaction, you will no longer be so afraid, you will understand that there are a lot of similar ordinary people around you.
Enter after a break
One of the surest ways to offend your interlocutor or at least lead him to unpleasant thoughts during communication is to start speaking immediately after he has finished the next phrase. This gives the impression that you were impatiently waiting for your turn to speak and were unlikely to listen to the other person at all.
When communicating with people, pause for a second or two after the speaker has finished speaking before responding. Not being in a rush demonstrates your confidence and gives your remarks more authority. In addition, this example is contagious: take your time - and others will behave the same way.
Why do communication difficulties arise?
Main communication problems:
- feeling of misunderstanding, depression;
- lack of communication skills;
- fear of being rejected;
- shyness.
By eliminating the above reasons, you can quickly become the life of the party.
Communication mistakes
The following are the main mistakes that occur during communication:
- Conversation in “different languages”. All people have a special vocabulary, the formation of which is affected by age, upbringing, experience, and environment. This factor is often not taken into account in conversations.
- Lack of control over body language. A dull tone, incorrect intonation, gestures and posture will negate the first favorable impression of yourself.
- Fear to clarify or ask again. An imaginary feeling of awkwardness can later lead to complete misunderstanding.
- Inability to listen and empathize. Inattention to the words of the interlocutor, arguments out of nowhere hinder the development of communication skills.
Avoid filler words
Words constantly creep into our speech, designed to fill the voids. From time to time various “a”, “yes”, “that means”, “in general”, etc. slip through. We ourselves rarely notice them. But your interlocutors almost always notice and conclude that you are not confident in yourself.
A reliable way to catch filler words is to make an audio recording while communicating with someone or public speaking. If you find yourself unwittingly filling in gaps in your speech with these words, count how often this happens by listening to the recording. Focus your efforts on breaking the habit. When you hear a filler word pop out of your mouth once again, slow down or pause.
How to loosen up and stop being shy: tips for special cases
There are many situations when people feel embarrassed. They can be combined into several groups. Right now we’ll figure out how to overcome embarrassment and uncertainty in specific life situations!
Fear of public speaking in front of people
Many people are afraid of public speaking, I am one of them! This is a situation where you are standing in front of an audience of people looking you up and down, listening to what you say or sing. Here, fear may be associated with poorly learned material, uncertainty about one’s appearance, or the presence of a large number of people. What to do about it?
Advice: Before the performance, learn the part, report, speech well so that you can start confidently. A confident start gives a boost to the entire performance. Think in advance about what you will wear, what kind of makeup and hairstyle you will wear, what shoes and accessories you will wear. Before the performance, tell yourself: “I am irresistible! I will succeed!"
For men, the preparation for speaking in front of an audience is different. They don’t stand in front of a mirror for an hour, but they repeat and structure the material. Therefore, it is important for all speakers to have 10 to 30 minutes of reserve before going on stage.
It won't hurt to go to the toilet and drink water on time. First, you distract your body from stress. Secondly, prevent unexpected physiological manifestations of anxiety - a dry throat and the desire to defecate.
Shyness in front of the opposite sex
There are many reasons for this, the fear of unrequited love manifests itself here, because it is very difficult to stop loving a person who does not love you. There is also a fear of your shortcomings, non-acceptance of your physical forms, embarrassment to expose your body in front of a man, fear of losing the guy you are dating.
Advice: If you have a problem with presenting yourself to the opposite sex (either you throw yourself at everyone’s neck, or you’ve been a nun for…eleven years), decide what is most important to you in a relationship. For example, when all you care about is having successful sex, then why exhaust yourself with shyness? One spark is enough and the goal in bed is achieved.
Shyness in front of the opposite sex goes away by itself with complete acceptance, love and trust of a man and woman. If you are embarrassed by your husband in bed, try to figure out why. Perhaps he reproaches you for not meeting the model parameters? Or do you have some kind of scar, wear glasses or braces that interfere with intimacy?
You can overcome shyness by focusing on others, on your strengths. In bed with your loved one, it is important to forget about your shortcomings and behave confidently. Then this confidence will inspire the person next to you.
Girl is shy of a man in bed
Not accepting your appearance
This is a deep problem, and a personal consultation with a psychologist would be helpful, but I will try to “point my finger in the sky” by giving advice on how to accept yourself. Teenagers often and often feel embarrassed about their appearance among their friends and classmates. And this is normal, hormone imbalance and uneven maturation take their toll.
But if a mature, adult person does not accept his reflection in the mirror, the reason is hidden in some traumatic event. This manifests itself in a reluctance to be photographed, to look in the mirror, denial of compliments, disgust from one’s voice, one’s thinness or fatness.
Advice: Let’s turn to your mission in life; you can read more about it in this article. You live for something and for some reason you have poor eyesight, protruding ears or a large forehead. Your appearance does not depend on you!
BUT if it really annoys you, change what you can change: wear contacts instead of glasses (but I wouldn’t rush, because now glasses are in trend!), straighten your teeth, cut your bangs, go to the gym so as not to be embarrassed about your weight and your breasts that sag after childbirth (special exercises will help return to their former shape!).
I once read a very good prayer, it is now used in wishes, various philosophical memes: “Lord, give me strength to change what I can change, patience to accept what I cannot change, and wisdom to distinguish one from the other. Nice phrase!
Shyness in children - good or bad?
I have met children who are like a tank on the way to the goal, and some are terribly shy. We will not analyze the first case, but in the second, should parents sound the alarm? I have been approached more than once with the problem of how to help a child stop being shy.
Advice: Watch your words, how often do you say “aren’t you ashamed?”, “you should be ashamed here”, “I’m ashamed of you”... With these phrases we set the tone for embarrassment and shyness. Think about it…
Developmental psychology and child-parent relationships are separate topics. But it is easier to overcome shyness in a child under 6 years of age than in an older age. Preschoolers will be helped in this matter by fairy tales like “How the Baby Elephant Stopped Being Shy.” But shy schoolchildren need more praise and support.
Get rid of common phrases
In modern speech there are many ubiquitous but empty phrases, for example: “sorry”, “what I want to say”, “this is my opinion”, etc. Most of them, among other things, demonstrate your doubts. By using such phrases, you seem to apologize for what you said. And why should people continue to listen to you after that? Such statements usually come out when you are nervous about other people's reactions to what you are communicating. Therefore, speak, avoiding such “apologies”. Then you won't have to clarify that this is your opinion. Which, by the way, will sound weighty and authoritative.
Don't dwell on your mistakes
And one last thing. Perhaps, among people who have also admitted their weakness and vulnerability (at various trainings, support groups and personal growth), it will be easier for you to open up and start a dialogue not only with yourself, but also to receive “feedback” from others. After all, it may well be that only you have the confidence that you are doing something wrong. After all, while you are busy with this thought, other people are busy with themselves. And they, in turn, think about how to make a good impression on others, including you.
Adjust the volume
Speaking loudly to demonstrate confidence is a common mistake. In reality, speaking in a raised voice only makes listeners conclude that you do not respect them. In addition, speech that sounds like shouting is unpleasant. Rhythmic organization of speech and the correct pitch of intonation help to be heard during a speech, especially in front of a large audience. How well you control your voice can be determined by analyzing audio recordings of your performances. Draw conclusions every time and keep practicing.
Stand up straight
In addition to your smile, your posture affects your speech. Good posture is essential to speaking confidently. When you stand up straight, you can breathe deeper, which allows you to control your body and observe the rhythm of your speech. Plus, body posture makes it easy to gain confidence even when you don't have it.
Strike a superhero pose. To do this, stand straight, hold your head high, place your feet hip-width apart and distribute your weight evenly. Lift your chest, push your shoulders back and relax them. Avoid rocking, pacing, or tapping—all of which distract listeners from what you're saying. Remember to practice striking a superhero pose while looking in the mirror.
Relax your body
Nervous tension most affects the muscles of the jaw, neck, larynx and shoulders. Meanwhile, these muscles are responsible for the tone of your voice. Relaxing them is essential if you want to sound confident. Start with deep breathing. As you exhale, open your mouth slightly, relax your jaw and let out the air as if you were groaning. Swing your arms from side to side, stretch your neck, and move your jaw to release any tightness in those parts of your body. If you feel tension in these muscles during your performance, focus on relaxing them.
Drink water
When speaking in front of a large group or participating in a long discussion, do your best to stay hydrated. The vocal cords are sensitive to the lack of fluid in the body, which significantly affects their functioning. Remember to drink clean water regularly throughout the day and always have some on hand when performing. This will strengthen your voice and make you feel confident.
How to develop communication skills?
To develop communication skills you should:
- Look for any opportunity to have a conversation. It doesn’t matter who it will be - a stranger on the street or a close friend. Constant communication practice is important.
- Learn to experience joy when talking. Convince yourself that communication is not a difficult necessity, but an interesting pastime. Remember successful conversations during which you managed to leave a good impression of yourself. This will serve as inspiration.
Make eye contact
It is sometimes advised to get rid of excessive worries during a speech by looking towards the back of the hall. In fact, the speaker’s gaze “over their heads” sharply reduces the audience’s attention to him. Another technique works effectively.
When speaking in front of a large group of people, take turns making eye contact with individual audience members. Fix your gaze on each person for at least six seconds, then move your eyes to someone who is in another part of the room. Do not return your gaze to people you have already looked at. This technique gives your listeners the feeling that you are speaking specifically for them. At the same time, many, meeting the eyes of the speaker, begin to smile or react positively to the speaker in some other way. This allows the latter to feel confident.
What prevents you from feeling confident?
There are various stressful situations that prevent you from speaking beautifully:
- unfamiliar circle of people. A person who feels quite confident in a circle of familiar people may be completely at a loss in front of an unfamiliar audience;
- conversation with a significant person. The more significant the person standing in front of you, the less confident you feel. This happens to almost everyone;
- violation of the conversation plan. If the topic of the conversation suddenly changes or they start asking you questions that you are not prepared for, then you may become confused;
- ridicule, accusations. If the other person begins to ridicule you, make accusations, or devalue your strengths, you will begin to feel uncomfortable and may lose your speech.
conclusions
The ability to speak confidently is extremely useful and can be useful for those who want to improve their relationships with others, advance their careers, and share knowledge and ideas with other people. You can learn this skill just like any other. And you can hone it only in the process of training.
Certain techniques that you need to know how to use allow you to gain confidence in your speech. So, you should speak slowly, enter into dialogue after a short pause, avoid filler words and common empty “apology phrases,” control the intonation and volume of your speech, use silence and deliberately break up phrases using pauses.
It is also important to understand that the quality of speech is greatly influenced by the physical condition and sensations of the speaker. Therefore, for a successful performance, you need to monitor your bodily reactions. During it, you should take the correct posture, use appropriate gestures and smile, breathe deeply and measuredly, relax the body, especially the muscles of the jaw, larynx, neck and shoulders, and drink clean water if necessary.
One of the essential components of a confident performance is interaction with the audience. To maintain it, you need to thank the audience for their participation in the event, alternately establish eye contact with individual participants, and focus on what is happening here and now.
Text: Tatyana Turbal, Illustrations: Konstantin Amelin, Photo: Photo by Miguel Henriques on Unsplash, Source: https://medium.com/@georgejziogas/how-to-speak-with-confidence-to-absolutely-anyone-17aff65c37ef
Why do you need to speak beautifully?
Speech has always played a huge role for humanity, because it is a means of communication and thanks to it, the thoughts of one person are transmitted to another.
There is a proverb:
“You are greeted by your clothes, but you are escorted by your mind.”
And a person demonstrates his intelligence (or lack thereof) precisely through speech. That is why it can be called a person’s calling card: whether he wants it or not, his speech reflects his essence.
As the ancient Greek philosopher Socrates said to one constantly silent young man:
“Speak so I can see you.”
And the Persian poet Saadi wrote:
“Whether you are smart or stupid, whether you are big or small, we don’t know until you say a word.”
People who can speak beautifully and express their thoughts clearly have always been valued. This is indicated by the existence of schools of oratory in ancient times. And the ancient Greek sage Skilef noted that “Eloquence is more valuable than money, fame and power, for the latter are very often achieved through eloquence.” He was echoed by the American politician Daniel Webster, who lived many centuries later: “Take from me everything I have, but leave me my speech, and soon I will gain everything I had.”
The French emperor and commander Napoleon believed that a person who cannot speak beautifully will never make a career.
Nothing has changed these days. Employees who master the art of eloquence advance their careers much faster than those who do not know how to correctly express their thoughts. Moreover, it often happens that smart and knowledgeable employees suffer from tongue-tiedness, who do not understand that it is precisely this that makes their further career growth unlikely. Of course, professionalism, knowledge, skills and experience are very important, since no one needs non-professionals.
But those who have experience and knowledge, but are not able to convey them to the listener, explain, prove, convince and change their minds, will someday definitely have big problems. After all, the higher the official position of an employee, the more often and more he has to communicate with colleagues, subordinates, clients, etc. Therefore, he definitely must be able to logically and clearly express his thoughts, influence his interlocutor and convince him.
