How to stop being shy and gain self-confidence: a guide to inner liberation

Hello friends! Lyudmila Redkina is with you. I'll tell you one story. Once I had to speak in front of a large audience, but I was not embarrassed at all and performed brilliantly. But already at the next meeting they replaced me... My mouth is dry, my speech is confused, it took me a huge amount of effort on myself to finally bring the speech to the end. This experience showed me that embarrassment can arise when you least expect it. And some people have been shy their entire adult lives. And in this article we will talk about how to stop being shy and become a confident person.

Get out of your comfort zone

The comfort zone is a swamp in which all a person’s talents and dreams can drown. If you do not leave it from time to time, you will face apathy and degradation in all areas of life. For closed, too modest people, the comfort zone ends where interaction with other people begins. That is, it itself is very narrow and cramped. If you sit in it all the time, you can go crazy.

If you are afraid to communicate, then this is what you need to do as often as possible. If you are embarrassed to speak in public, you will have to start doing it despite your discomfort. Yes, it's incredibly difficult. But the result is worth it.

How to get rid of shyness - impossible advice from would-be psychologists of the Soviet school

4.1. Accept your flaws

Accept your shortcomings, sofa theorists from psychology advise, but how? The entire Internet is filled with advice to accept yourself, accept your negative emotions, but there is no information anywhere on how to do this, or it is presented so confusingly that it seems that these would-be psychologists of the Soviet school themselves do not understand what they are saying and writing.

Try reading any psychology textbook and get at least some benefit from it. Even I, a professional psychologist, see there a bare theory of the early 20th century, which has nothing to do with the practice of personal transformation.

If you want to stop being shy and become more confident, I advise you to read this excerpt from my book, it gives the theory of getting rid of shyness and one of the exercises that, in 20 minutes, will relieve you of shyness by at least 50%

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And if you want to completely get rid of shyness and other accompanying psychocomplexes, I advise you not to procrastinate and reach a new level in your life. The algorithm and sequence of personal transformation is described in this article. And how your lifestyle will change, after which your level of consciousness will increase, is described in the example with the girl, in the same article.

4.2. Don't avoid relationships

To stop being shy, psychologists advise not to avoid communication, but to look for friends. But how to do that? After all, a shy person does not accept himself so much, he considers himself inferior and unworthy not only of friendship, but also of simple communication with people.

They advise you to overcome your fear, but this is an old and ineffective method. Soviet would-be psychologists advise overcoming yourself, going against your fear of being disgraced.

But is this reasonable, since there is an almost 100% risk of retraumatization?

, that is, if a shy person suddenly decides to sing from the stage, will he be competitive with a person who has no complexes, who is relaxed, who receives energy from the audience, who lives by emotions and does not know how to suppress them. Unlike our neurotic, who cannot express his feelings, his feelings are completely blocked by the fear of shame, the fear of disapproval.

And even if he is injected with a drug that chemically relieves stress, he will still not succeed at an adequate level. Because he has no skills, no patterns of behavior on how to behave on stage.

On stage, a conditional example, a young man can be shy when communicating with beautiful girls. Or a girl may behave inappropriately with a status, rich man.

Even if he likes her and she likes him, shame for herself, self-rejection, an inferiority complex can play a cruel joke on her

, she may behave inappropriately, aggressively with him, or simply interrupt contact, which will lead to her missing time and having to choose a partner from what is available even under deadline conditions.

Examples of such behavior and explanations of its underlying reasons are in this article: “How to become self-confident and raise self-esteem.”

4.3. Take the initiative

Show initiative, but how can you show it when the fear of mistakes blocks not only your muscles, but also your thoughts. That is, such a neurotic person simply cannot, by definition, come up with anything worthwhile because his way of thinking, his picture of the world, his patterns of behavior are completely blocked and distorted by fears of being judged by others, by fears that they will laugh at him.

With each iteration of taking initiative, he will accumulate negative experience, and the situation will only get worse. By initiative I mean serious things, such as opening a business, self-realization in a profession and other things that can radically change our lives, and not an initiative like going to turn on the kettle. Although it can come to this, for example, if there are outside observers.

4.4. Accept criticism and avoid unpleasant people - advise unfortunate Internet psychologists

There are also questions here: firstly, what does it mean to accept criticism? Secondly, where is the clear algorithm for how to do this? As for the advice to avoid people who are unpleasant to you, it’s to bury your head in the sand, like an ostrich does, and leave your butt outside.

So I know a clear algorithm for how to balance my psyche and always be in harmony with my surroundings, in a mode of relaxation and enjoyment of communication. This is what we need to strive for, and not avoid communication. After all, in the animal world there are no conflicts based on envy, hostility, etc. How huge schools of fish of hundreds of thousands of individuals swim synchronously and majestically in the ocean, without interfering or conflicting with each other.

So, the cause of conflicts is hostility towards another person, it is caused by the shadow part of the individual’s personality, the theory of what it is and how to remove it is in a free excerpt from my second book

, using the example of dislike for a very self-confident and impudent colleague who annoyed me, and after performing the technique became my friend, and the transformation took only 15 minutes.

Communicate more

It would be great to first stop being shy, and then go out into the world of people renewed and confident. But, unfortunately, this is impossible. Shyness is not a curse that can be removed by going to a fortune teller. This is an undeveloped social communication skill that can only be developed through process.

Therefore, communication cannot be avoided. Moreover, you must make sure that there is enough of it in your life. At least twice as much as now. But its significance needs to be reduced.

Shy people tend to attach too much importance to ordinary conversations. They can rehearse phone calls, scrutinize past conversations, and come up with scenarios for future dialogues.

Become a bit of a non-carer and relax. Stop thinking about what impression you make on your interlocutor. This will help you overcome social anxiety. Remember, people have too many other things to do to evaluate your communication skills.

Controlling external manifestations of shyness

One of the most difficult tasks is to control and change nonverbal behavior (gaze, gestures, facial expressions, etc.) But developing this skill is very important in order to stop being shy about people.

• Shy people cannot look into the eyes of others, so they hide their gaze or constantly move it from one object to another. To demonstrate your confidence, you should look at the other person most of the time during a conversation. You'll have to force yourself to do it. It is psychologically easier to look at a point located just above the bridge of the nose (the “third eye” level). To get started, you can use this technique.
• Watch your posture. Everyone likes a straight back. Slouched people are often perceived by others as insecure and closed off.
• During a conversation, do not cross your arms and legs.
• Another important question: how to stop blushing when embarrassed?

Analyze situations in which you feel embarrassed

Get ready to become an analyst for a while and search for cause-and-effect relationships. Think about the situations in which you most often feel embarrassed. Why is this happening at these moments? Highlight the factors that influence the degree of your discomfort.

For example, your weak point is communicating with strangers. However, if you mentally say encouraging words before doing this, it may be easier for you to overcome your internal barrier.

Another example is that you are a girl and feel embarrassed when you are in the company of your boyfriend. But if your favorite music is playing at the same time, you relax and become more confident.

Look for the clues your subconscious gives you and learn to use them. Sometimes seemingly insignificant little things can work wonders.

#3. Take small steps

Overcoming shyness is not a quick process. It's better to confront your social fears gradually. There is no need to immediately “jump” into situations that terrify you.

Think of overcoming embarrassment as climbing a mountain, with each step a little more difficult than the last.

For example, if you're nervous about meeting new people, here are some steps to help:

• Ask someone a simple question, such as “What time is it?” After he responds, simply say “thank you” and leave it at that. Keep your very first personal interaction short and to the point.

• Find someone who isn't currently talking to anyone and introduce yourself. Ask him who he knows at the meeting. See if you have mutual friends.

• Join a group of people who are already talking. Even if you just listen and nod, that's okay.

If you avoid people you see on a daily basis, make it a small goal to greet those you encounter when you come to work. This will soon become second nature and will increase the level of comfort you feel with your colleagues.

Finally, if you are in close proximity to someone, whether in a cafe or on the street, instead of delicately tiptoeing around them, try asking how their day is going.

These are just a few examples, but there are many small steps you can take to overcome your shyness. Give people compliments, don't be shy to ask them anything.

Be neat

Wrinkled clothes, a hole in tights, socks that are not the freshest - these and similar things make us nervous in the process of communication. If you want to become more confident, eliminate all signs of untidiness. There should be nothing in your image that could make you look like a slob.

This applies not only to appearance, but also to smell. Make sure you always smell nice. Just don't overdo it with perfume, otherwise you'll get the opposite effect.

#4. Practice active listening

Practicing active listening will help you understand the other person and get to know them a little

Just because you prefer not to talk to people doesn't mean people don't want to talk to you. People love to talk about themselves.

If you're nervous that everything you say will sound stupid, just listen.

Research shows that people only pay attention to 25-50% of what is said to them. This means that if you listen to the other person with interest, they will feel encouraged and continue to communicate with you.

Recommended reading → Correct criticism: an algorithm for constructive criticism

Active listening is an instant technique for establishing trust and likeability. People will like you if you listen to them. This is pure psychology.

Relieve Yourself of Responsibility

Stop taking responsibility for the thoughts, feelings, and states of other people. Let them think whatever they want about you. Let them be sad, tired, bored in your presence. There is no need to look for the reason in yourself and label yourself as a boring person to communicate with. Perhaps these conditions have nothing to do with you.

Hyper-responsibility makes you nervous and anxious, and because of this, ease and spontaneity in communication disappear. Don't create problems for yourself out of thin air, and you won't have to waste energy solving them.

Other life hacks

Continuing the list of how to learn not to be embarrassed by anything, it is worth paying attention to the opinions of others, stupid things, strengths and anxiety management. Read more about these and other methods:

1. Sense of humor. Its presence and development is a good helper in both ordinary and extreme situations.
2. Others don't care. In most cases, all people are busy with themselves and the excitement of others, their clothes or anything else does not matter to them. Worrying about those who don't care about you is pointless.
3. Sport. Boxing, swimming or football are not only about a healthy and beautiful body, but also about a tempered spirit and raising self-esteem.
4. Learning from the experiences of others.
5. Nonsense and harshness. You can offer a walk to a person you like. Or radically change your image. Buy yourself a motorcycle. Anything.
6. Strengths. It is recommended to make a list of positive qualities. Advantages can be found even in disadvantages. For example, a person has difficulty conducting monologues and dialogues, but he is an excellent listener. This is a very important communication skill that will come in handy many times in life. You need to combat your shortcomings by regularly reminding yourself of your magnificence.
7. Don't focus on shyness or label it. Even if the interlocutor notices difficulties, there is no need to be ashamed of yourself and talk about it as a serious problem. It is important to allow new acquaintances to form their own opinion about the person and notice other, more positive and interesting features.
8. Language of the body. There are a number of signs that tell others about an open and confident person: a strong handshake and smile, clear and loud speech, correct posture and eye contact. At the same time, these are signals not only for the interlocutors, but also for one’s own brain. This is a kind of deception that allows you to feel more comfortable and free.

The next step to overcoming shyness is focusing on others. One of the factors that provokes shyness is concentration on oneself and the impression made on others. Psychologists advise redirecting energy and the flow of thoughts to other people by asking questions, empathizing and being interested. Thus, worrying about one's own behavior becomes secondary.

Follow the example of confident people

When we are trying to change our behavior patterns and move away from familiar patterns, we sometimes need a guide. Observe confident people who are not burdened by excessive shyness. How do they behave? How do they talk? What are they thinking about? At first, you can even copy them until you develop new habits.

You can take one of your friends, public people, or movie characters as a model. Every time shyness tries to interfere with your plans, think about how your “idol” would act.

Especially for guys, we have an article “How to stop being shy about girls.” Be sure to read it.

Consequences of being shy

It is difficult for a shy person to communicate and achieve something. He can't defend his point of view

1. It is difficult for such a person to show his talents; he most often goes unnoticed.
2. During embarrassment, the skin turns pale and the cheeks may turn red. The person looks ridiculous and funny.
3. Such people almost always have tense muscles and are not free in their actions.
4. This character trait makes it difficult to communicate normally with others. A person is not able to express his point of view or ask for anything.
5. Because of shyness, you often have to give up your aspirations and ambitions.

Stand up for your interests

Never let people take advantage of your shyness. If someone is too arrogant and tries to violate your interests, put him in his place. No matter what moral effort it costs you. Otherwise, the feeling of annoyance and disappointment will torment you for a long time.

This applies to everyday, familiar situations. When someone tries to jump in line, when they make unreasonable claims against you, when they try to take your place.

If you manage to stop the insolent person, you will receive 100 points to your confidence. Next time it will be much easier for you to emerge victorious from a conflict situation.

Diagnostics

To identify the disorder, there is a special test developed in 1987 by an American psychiatrist. The questionnaire is called the Liebowitz scale after its developer.

The test contains 24 questions describing specific situations: going on a visit or the process of eating food surrounded by other people, etc. Each situation requires an answer in two categories:

• express the intensity of felt fear - from complete absence to strong;
• How often do you avoid such circumstances – never/usually.

You should focus on the sensations experienced by the examined person in the listed circumstances over the past week. If these situations were not recorded over the past week, the examinee should imagine how he would react to such an event.

After 30 years, the test retains its diagnostic popularity, although it is not the only reliable way to make a diagnosis.

The doctor must differentiate social phobia from other disorders.

According to ICD-10, the disease has the following features:

• fear of negative evaluation from a small group of people. Mass gatherings and crowds are not taken into account;
• low self-esteem of the patient;
• fears can be individual or general;
• fear of vomiting in the presence of others is an important diagnostic criterion;
• anxious feelings are provoked by a specific situation;
• all groups of symptoms are primary, they are a direct expression of anxiety, and not other, primary symptoms;
• patients avoid socially traumatic situations, in extreme cases leading themselves to complete isolation.

Exercise “Scale”

I borrowed this exercise from NLP. It helps to successfully cope with negative conditions such as fear, anxiety, and embarrassment. You can read more about it in the book “New NLP Code” by Timur Gagin and Vladimir Ukolov.

1. Imagine a scale with marked numerical divisions from 0 to 100. It can look like a ruler, a tailor's meter, a barometer - whatever you like.
2. Imagine that you find yourself in a situation that causes you moderate embarrassment and constraint. Feel your condition well and record its vivid manifestations in your memory: sweaty palms, a lump in your throat, a rapid heartbeat.
3. You need to associate your feelings with an imaginary scale. Their severity should correspond approximately to the middle of the scale. Now mentally move up the scale, trying to cause more expressions of embarrassment.
4. Having reached the extreme point, begin to reduce the intensity of emotions until complete calm and relaxation at point 0. Complete several such cycles until a strong connection is established in your subconscious.

Now, in any situation, you can imagine this scale and use it to remove manifestations of shyness. The more often you use this method, the better it will work.

Why people are shy - the main reasons

Before learning how not to be shy, let’s figure out what exactly is meant by the concept of “embarrassment.” All shy people are divided into two groups - those who are embarrassed in public and in front of themselves. According to research by Paul Pilkonis, in the first case, a person’s feelings influence his actions, and those, in turn, influence other people’s opinions of him, which is embodied in the attitude towards the shy person. In the second case, the person tends to hide his true feelings and spends a lot of emotional energy maintaining the external illusion of self-confidence.

Both types are caused by a mental state that causes stiff, tense and awkward behavior in public. Personality researchers have several opinions about the reasons:

• the modern concept of Raymond Cattell states that the tendency to be shy is inherited - it is an innate quality that must be learned to restrain;
• the classics of behaviorism saw the cause of shyness in the lack of necessary social skills - having mastered certain behavioral tools, you can stop being embarrassed;
• neuroscientists and other doctors see medical reasons - sometimes people feel embarrassed due to chronic mercury poisoning that affects the nervous system, as well as a deficiency of serotonin, dopamine and the resulting disruption of neurotransmitter metabolism in the brain;
• psychoanalysts believe that constraint is an external expression of deep contradictions in the psyche;
• sociologists and sociopsychologists believe that people begin to feel shy because of external limiting attitudes of society and self-conviction of their own shyness.

Exercise “Place of Power”

Find a comfortable position and relax. Throw away all extraneous thoughts, focus on the sensations of your body. Imagine that you find yourself in some very pleasant place where you feel calm and comfortable. For some it may be a village house, for others it may be a secluded pier on the ocean. Find something of your own.

Feel how this place fills you with strength and confidence. Nothing can unsettle you here and make you feel fear, anxiety, stiffness, embarrassment. Remember this feeling. The next time you step out of your comfort zone and feel embarrassed, imagine yourself in that place for a minute. Negative emotions will recede or become less pronounced.

An Unidentified Disorder: Why Social Phobia Is Rarely Diagnosed

Scientists have calculated that, on average, social phobia lasts almost 23 years. Although it seriously affects all aspects of life, only about 20% of sufferers seek professional help, and usually only 15–20 years after the onset of symptoms. Less than 5% of people go to the doctor during the first year.

Often, such people consider social phobia to be a part of their personality that cannot be changed, or they look for the root cause of physiological symptoms

Many children and teenagers are convinced that they will gradually outgrow this condition, but this is usually a misconception.

Social phobia is detected late and for other reasons:

• specialists do not always make the correct diagnosis;
• psychological help is stigmatized;
• the patient is afraid of being assessed by doctors;
• there is little information about effective treatment for social phobia;
• There are not enough therapeutic services.

Very often, social phobia is not diagnosed at all, and the person lives with this disorder all his life.

After the first manifestations of a phobia, a person (usually a child) subconsciously or consciously trains himself to avoid situations in which he becomes the center of attention and experiences severe anxiety. Due to this, the disorder is not so traumatic, but for the same reason it is less diagnosed. A person simply gets used to living with social phobia - to the detriment of self-realization.

Seeking help is also a social situation that the patient may avoid. Therefore, the disorder is often discovered when a person begins to treat a concomitant psychological condition that is more difficult not to recognize: addiction, panic attacks, depression.

If you think you may have social phobia, take the Liebowitz Social Anxiety Test.

Books to help you overcome shyness

Shyness is a fairly common problem in modern society. Many books have been written about her. Here are just a few of them.

1. “Goodbye shyness. A practical guide to overcoming shyness and developing self-confidence” by Leil Lowndes;
2. “I always know what to say. How to develop self-confidence and become a master communicator” Jean-Marie Boisvert, Madeleine Bozry;
3. "Self confidence. Simple practices for gaining inner strength and firmness” Yvonne Rubin;
4. “How to overcome shyness” Philip Zimbardo.

Bonus tips and expert help

While some experts insist on the advisability of refusing to say “no,” others recommend saying “yes” as often as possible. And both groups of scientists are right. About this and other very accessible and effective methods of combating excessive modesty:

• "Yes". In the case of shy people, refusal is usually explained by an unreasonable fear of failure and the unknown. You need to learn to accept the opportunities that life offers.
• Anxiety management. Thematic literature or, for example, deep breathing techniques help to cope with this problem.
• Novelty. Every day of a fighter for emancipation should consist of new things.
• Visualization. If you imagine how a person acts in a certain situation in every detail, you can feel strength and self-confidence.

In some cases, shyness becomes painful, and a person (every tenth person on the planet) needs qualified help. If shyness begins to cross all boundaries, you need to choose one of the options for getting help:

• Psychologists.
• Group trainings.
• Coaches.
• Thematic positive films about successfully overcoming embarrassment and various achievements.
• Special books with practical advice.

Shyness is a fairly common phenomenon among people of all ages and nationalities. Shyness has a number of reasons (genetics, upbringing, low self-esteem, complexes, fears), as well as disadvantages and even advantages. But there are still more disadvantages, so many are trying to deal with the problem. For this, there is a lot of advice from psychologists, trainings, thematic literature and films. The main thing to remember is that it may take more than one month to free yourself from shyness. But if you act step by step, everything will definitely work out.

How to Stop Being Shy (Overcome Shyness in 60 Seconds)

Reward yourself for every success

If you've just started the habit of becoming more confident, rewarding each success will ensure that the habit stays true. This will help your brain learn that everything you do is challenging, and you will gain something else from it in addition to the satisfaction of knowing that you have conquered fear.

For example, allow yourself some dessert after dinner, or watch your favorite movie. Whatever you find truly rewarding, treat yourself after you achieve success, even if it's small.