“Problems in communication. Can this be overcome? Round table of professional psychologists

Despite his sociality and desire to be part of a society that is based on survival instincts, a modern person may still experience difficulties in communicating in certain situations and conditions. Naturally, there is a reason for this and often it is much deeper than a simple explanation of this problem as a certain character trait. We experience difficulties throughout our lives: stress, losses, failures, crises and confusion - this contributes to changes in the communication abilities of even the most open and sociable individuals. So, let’s give a definition: communication difficulties are painful and unsatisfying contacts with other people. Why is this happening?

In this article we will consider difficulties in communication as a component of a psychological problem or its symptom. It can be difficult to notice such a manifestation, especially if a person does not attach any importance to it and already considers it to be his own feature, and not an alarming signal. After this, we will move on to the symptoms and causes, and then we will familiarize ourselves with recommendations for mitigating the symptoms and getting rid of this inconvenience.

Who has communication difficulties?

Communication is the mutual exchange of opinions, experiences, and emotions. Communication difficulties in adults are not uncommon. They occur in people who:

• We are used to judging. Condemnation for “wrong” actions is repellent. The interlocutor tells a personal story, and you respond with condemnation? This makes a person feel shame, guilt, anger or irritation.
• Often devalued. A friend says he feels bad. And you answer: “It’s nothing, don’t pay attention.” Such phrases devalue thoughts, actions, emotions.
• They don't think about other people's feelings. Imagine that your interlocutor is sharing his experiences... And you don’t pay attention to it, talk about yourself and your affairs. Once a person may not be offended. But if you don’t often show interest in your inner world, close interactions are unlikely to last long.
• They give advice instead of support. Most people get annoyed when they are given unsolicited advice. The “adviser” unconsciously belittles someone else’s experience. Remember your own emotions. I just want to talk. And instead of empathy, they advise you how to behave. I don’t want to share my secret anymore, do I?
• They don't want to open up. Sometimes you don't want to share your experiences. This is fine. But what if this is your usual behavior? It is difficult to communicate on equal terms with someone who is not ready to open up.
• They don't know how to listen. Imagine that you are either being interrupted or not being listened to attentively. What do you feel? Most likely, resentment, anger, grief.
• They don't understand body language. Not all information is conveyed through words. Sometimes important signals are transmitted through gestures, facial expressions, and body movements. Misunderstanding body language often leads to awkward situations.
• They don't know how to carry on a conversation. Lack of clarifying questions, monosyllabic answers, stock phrases – sound familiar? Few people want to communicate if there is no feedback.
• They provoke scandals. Do you like communicating with aggressive people? On the contrary, you want to protect yourself or run away. But don't continue the conversation.

Communication problems: causes and ways to overcome them

Communication problems: causes and ways to overcome them

“Human essence is present only in communication, in the unity of man with man, in a unity based only on the reality of the difference between I and You” Ludwig Feuerbach

Imagine a world where people live in absolute harmony and mutual understanding, where there are no omissions or conflicts, where communication problems are nothing more than a myth that has nothing to do with reality. Introduced? Now come down from heaven to Earth, because this doesn’t happen. Problems in communication have always been, are and will be. They are the ones that give rise to most conflict situations, lead to the emergence of hostility between people, and even become the cause of armed attacks and wars.

Problems in communication are a subjectively felt state of a person’s incorrect way of implementing the planned communication model due to rejection of the interlocutor’s communication model, his actions, misunderstanding of the subject of communication, misunderstanding of the interlocutor, changes in the situation in which communication takes place, and one’s own psychological state. In other words, when both interlocutors tune in to the wave of understanding each other, talk about a subject that interests them, or try to delve into a topic that interests their interlocutor, there are no problems in communication. But as soon as your interlocutor brings up a topic that does not find the slightest response in your soul, is absolutely uninteresting to you, you notice that you stop delving into the essence of the conversation. And, if your interlocutor notices your indifference, he may ask a leading question that cannot be answered “yes” or “no,” like: “What do you think about this?”, “What do you think?”, “What are the main the reasons for this? etc.

Your answers to these questions will show the other person how well you listened. Of course, this is true in situations where your interlocutor really cares about your opinion. There are situations when your interlocutor is simply overwhelmed by emotions and he needs not so much you as your ears to listen to him. In these situations, sometimes it’s enough for you to occasionally answer your interlocutor “Uh-huh,” without always really delving into the meaning of the conversation. However, this technique is completely inapplicable when communicating with women, since 95% of women want to be not only listened to, but also heard. Therefore, after each “Uh-huh” you should wait for a leading question, and if it turns out that you didn’t listen to the woman at all, you won’t be able to escape her resentment.

Communication is a vital necessity for a person, one of his basic needs. It is in communication that a person realizes himself. expresses his life position, feels part of society, shares his inner experiences, self-determines and discovers his unique abilities. A person without communication (and this has been proven) is quite capable of going crazy, since he simply will have no one to share his problems with, and he will begin to communicate with inanimate objects (remember the film “Outcast”, in which, in the fifth year of life in an uninhabited island, Tom Hanks' character began to communicate... with a volleyball). However, in the process of communication, problems of various kinds often appear.

The main causes of problems in communication between people are:

1. Inability and lack of desire to listen to the interlocutor. It is the most common problem in communication, a barrier that is not as easy to overcome as it seems at first glance. The inability to listen to your interlocutor is expressed in the desire to start speaking out while the interlocutor is talking to you. People who do not know how to listen to others, as a rule, do not achieve success in areas of life related to communication. Let's be honest, nothing irritates us more when communicating with other people than their desire to constantly interrupt, to insert their “five cents,” especially when you have something to tell, and they interrupt you, trying to convey frankly meaningless information. Even if a person is interested in the topic under discussion, it seems to him that he can give more reliable arguments, justify his position on the topic under discussion better than the narrator, he is simply burning with the desire to become part of the conversation as quickly as possible.

Unlike the inability to listen, the lack of desire does not set as its goal to interrupt the interlocutor at any cost; the essence of this barrier lies in the person’s complete indifference to what his interlocutor says. This may mean that the topic of conversation is either completely uninteresting to the person, or that he has already developed his clear position on the issue under discussion, which cannot be changed. At the same time, you should remember that your interlocutor can either pretend to be an interested listener or an indifferent person, but if he is not really listening to you, then you are simply needlessly groping yourself in front of him (if, again, your goal is not to speak out, but you want your interlocutor to actually hear and understand you). Whether your interlocutor is listening to you or simply pretending to be an interested listener, you can easily check by asking the person to express his opinion regarding what you just said. If you did not notice the indifference of your interlocutor in a timely manner, then you can only blame yourself for this. Why? This is directly related to problem number 2.

2. Inability to express true interest/lack of interest in the problem. Very often, people who start a conversation are sincerely confident that their interlocutor is no less interested in the topic of conversation than they are. And, due to the fact that it is easiest for any person to communicate precisely on topics that interest him, a person begins to vividly and in detail describe the topic of the conversation, without even realizing that he is not being listened to. But a much bigger mistake is made by the listener, who makes the speaker aware that the topic under discussion is interesting to him, although this is not at all the case. Of course, there are generally accepted norms of etiquette that do not allow interrupting the interlocutor during a conversation, which, together with the fear of offending the interlocutor, do not allow a person to openly declare that the topic under discussion is absolutely uninteresting to him. However, think about whether it is better to step over ethics once and tell the whole truth to your interlocutor than to waste your time listening to an incomprehensible and uninteresting monologue for you, and then offend your interlocutor when he understands your disinterest and is overcome by the question: “Why did I just Have you been crucifying yourself for an hour?”

3. Reluctance to understand the feelings of another person. Sometimes a situation may occur when you start a conversation with your interlocutor without paying attention to what mood he is in now, or what feelings the topic of conversation in question evokes in him. Taking into account the mood and taking into account the feelings of another person is the key to effective communication.

Let's look at an example. Imagine for a moment that you have a terrible headache. It hurts so much that everything that happens in the world does not matter to you, and the only thing you want is to hide somewhere quiet, where no one will touch you. Suddenly, unexpectedly for you, your friend comes to you and starts asking you:

Friend: “How are you feeling?” You: “My head is pounding.” Friend: “I see. Well, shall we go to the disco tonight?” You: “I won’t go, I don’t feel well.” Friend: “Oh, come on! The best girls in the city will be there! It will be so much fun there, you won’t want to leave!” You (restraining yourself from anger): “I told you, I have a headache!” Friend: “Is this a reason not to go? We planned to go with friends a week ago.” You: “You probably can’t hear me! Go on your own, without me.” Friend: “Okay, see you then.”

In this example, the friend is the standard of the inability to listen and understand the state of another person. Of course, this example is quite conventional, but the problem of misunderstanding the state of people is a common mistake people make when communicating.

4. Fear of opening up to other people. This is especially evident at the dating stage. In every person, when communicating with other people, there is a struggle between two opposites - on the one hand, a person wants to get to know each other better, learn important information about a person, understand how he lives, and on the other hand, a person (subconsciously) always asks himself: “Am I good enough?” I know this person so I can open my soul to him?” By asking himself this question, a person begins to carefully tell information about himself, filtering and selecting what can be told about himself from what is better to remain silent at this stage. However, sometimes caution takes an extreme form, turning into a phobia - a person begins to be so afraid of communicating with other people that he becomes withdrawn into himself. A person develops defensive psychological reactions that do not allow a person to express himself, to show his true feelings and emotions.

Of course, when a person is afraid to tell something about himself to another person, it is unlikely that their acquaintance and further potential friendship will be possible.

5. An overestimated or underestimated opinion of oneself in comparison with the opinion of the interlocutor. Effective dialogue consists of communication between two people of approximately equal intelligence level. Therefore, the opinions of interlocutors regarding each other’s level of development can serve as both an incentive and a barrier to mutual understanding. When people feel that there is a person opposite them who matches their level of development, they communicate with him easily and naturally. If the level of development of the interlocutor is higher, when communicating with him, a person tries (consciously or unconsciously) to learn something from him, to take an example from him. At the same time, the level of attentiveness to the perception of information is very high, which allows us to consider communication effective. The worst option is when a person realizes that his interlocutor is significantly inferior to him in terms of intelligence. In this case, the person will listen to the interlocutor without enthusiasm, be reluctant to join the conversation, and show reluctance to draw certain conclusions from what was said.

However, there are exceptions to the rules. So, if a person has been engaged in mental activity all day, and he does not want to talk about important topics, then he will be very happy to talk about neutral, sometimes even trivial topics, and the level of development of the interlocutor will not play a decisive role.

The reasons for problems in communication between people discussed above are the main ones, and they certainly require overcoming. In order to increase the effectiveness of communication and remove communication barriers, you need to follow the rules of effective communication when communicating with people:

1. Don't be selfish . Remember, constant attempts to seize the initiative in a conversation do not lead to success, since your words, the more they are spoken in volume and with a faster frequency, will lose all meaning for the interlocutor. If you decide to adhere to an aggressive manner of conversation in order to deprive the interlocutor of the slightest opportunity to express his point of view, then do not be surprised when it turns out that you were talking into emptiness. In addition, you will gain the reputation of a person who only wants to speak, and he is absolutely not interested in what the other person thinks about the topic of conversation. Also, do not look surprised when your former interlocutors pass you by.

The conversation should bring certain benefits to both interlocutors; each person has the right to express his position in life, only then is it called dialogue. A person, taking all the time of a conversation for himself, turns an interesting dialogue into a boring, predictable monologue, in which one of the interlocutors feels superfluous. Therefore, if you want to be an interesting interlocutor for other people, so that people turn to you for advice and help, you want to be surrounded by friends, then you should develop the habit of giving the initiative in the conversation to your interlocutor, letting him talk.

2. Know how to listen . It is believed that the most successful conversation for a person is in which the interlocutor speaks at least 70 percent of the time. And this is true - encourage your interlocutor to speak, while listening to the interlocutor carefully and be ready to join the conversation when it is really necessary. Acquire the ability to sense pauses in your interlocutor’s conversation, to distinguish the moment when a person stopped in the middle of a sentence and is ready to continue his thought from the moment when a person’s thought is completely expressed. In the first case, do not try to continue his thought for the person, as this may be regarded by the person as a desire to interrupt him, and the person may forget what he wanted to say.

If a person notices that you are listening to him attentively, managing to follow the progression of his thoughts, he will want further communication with you. Why are we so attached to people who know how to listen? This happens for two reasons:

1) The presence of emotions in a person that require release through communication with other people. A person strives not only to ensure that his emotions are listened to by the interlocutor, but also to find a response in him, to be accepted and understood by the interlocutor. If a person tells you something, warning you at the beginning of the conversation that he needs your advice on an issue that worries him, it means that you cannot do without the ability to listen to your interlocutor. After all, in order to give the right advice, it is necessary to correctly understand everything that the interlocutor wanted to tell about.

2) The awareness that there is an interlocutor nearby who is interested in a person’s emotions. In our world, all people are in a hurry, in a hurry. Few people seriously think about the feelings of other people, but each of us wants to be paid attention to, to understand our feelings, to simply talk to us. And so, when you try to find a person whose emotions will find even the slightest reflection in their heart and these attempts are fruitless, you may give up. And suddenly, quite suddenly, a person appears next to you, ready to understand you and realize the importance of your emotions and feelings, and you, of course, are ready to answer him in the same way. Sympathy arises between you.

3. Show genuine interest in the subject of conversation . Don't act like you're ready to fall asleep, otherwise the conversation won't be effective. If a person talks incessantly on a topic that is absolutely not interesting to you, and you show your indifference with all your appearance (at the same time the interlocutor realizes that you are bored), then you both violate the rules of effective communication - the interlocutor selfishly does not take your feelings into account, and you show your indifference with the subject of conversation. But what to do in this case? Simply, after delicately listening to your interlocutor, begin to lead the conversation to another topic that interests you to a much greater extent. In this process, it is important to find a point of contact between the subject currently being considered and the topic desired for discussion.

Let's look at an example of finding a point of contact. Your friend comes up to you and says:

- “Do you know what happened on January 1, 1986?” - "No, I do not know. And what?" “Portugal and Spain became members of the European Economic Community.” - “Wow, I see” (you answer, completely uninterested in the conversation on this topic). – “And in the same year, on February 19, the first modules of the Soviet orbital station “Mir” were launched into orbit. - "It's so interesting! Do you know what else happened this year?” - "The Chernobyl accident?" - “Yes, but not only that. This year, the Argentina national team, unexpectedly for many, became the world football champion. Then Diego Maradona scored a goal with his hand against the England team... By the way, which team do you support?”

In this way, having found a point of contact (in this example, the events of 1986), you can move the conversation from one topic to another. If you can’t translate the conversation, you can hint to the person that you are absolutely ignorant of the subject of the conversation. Believe me, this is much better than pretending that you actually like the topic of conversation, which will be revealed the first time your interlocutor asks about this topic.

4. Do not allow negative feedback about your interlocutor’s position on any issue . Remember that the opinion of your interlocutor has exactly the same right to exist as yours, no matter how strongly you are convinced that you are right. Do not ridicule the opinion of your interlocutor if it seems absurd to you - the ideas of many great people also seemed absurd at first glance. Do not indicate to your interlocutor your superior level of knowledge on the topic of conversation through the phrases: “Why are you arguing? I dedicated my whole life to this!” or “Trust me – I know better.” By these actions you undermine the climate of trust that is created between people in the process of communication. On the contrary, accepting a person’s opinion, respectfully accepting the speaker’s personality allows you to bring people closer together, create a feeling of ease of conversation and comfort.

5. Use understanding response techniques . If you, while your interlocutor is telling you something, look with a detached gaze and simply remain silent, your interlocutor will think that you are not listening to him and his speech is absolutely not interesting to you. In order to avoid such situations, it is recommended to use understanding response techniques, which are as follows:

— Use affirmative words that show your attention to the topic under consideration (“yes, yes,” “of course,” “I understand”). These words should be pronounced when your interlocutor has expressed the main idea and paused, during which the use of affirmative words becomes relevant.

— Paraphrase the interlocutor’s thought, and then ask him clarifying questions. For example: “You mean cutting budget expenses, do I understand you correctly?”, “Is your flight postponed to 9 o’clock in the morning? Is this what you meant?”

- Use the encouragement method. If your interlocutor does not dare to continue the conversation, he should be encouraged to continue it using an encouraging phrase. For example: “I understand you perfectly,” “I felt the same,” “This is so interesting, please continue,” “Tell me more.”

When using understanding response techniques, it is important to remember and follow two basic rules:

a) Do not overdo the method. If you utter affirmative or encouraging words with every phrase your interlocutor makes, this will arouse in your interlocutor the suspicion that you are mocking him or want to get some information from him. This technique should be used where it is really needed. Please use it responsibly.

b) Acquire the ability to use the correct words that are adequate to the spoken phrase. If you use phrases mixed up, the interlocutor simply will not understand your behavior. So, if your interlocutor spends an hour telling you an event in every detail, vividly describing everything that happened to him, so much so that there is nothing to add to it, then the phrase “Tell me in more detail” sounds somewhat ridiculous. It is also inappropriate to use the phrase “This is so interesting, continue” after your loved one has told you: “I will not communicate with you.” In this case, using an understanding response will only make your conversation worse; the person may become angry and offended at you.

Problems in communication arose a long time ago, their existence is undeniable, however, it is within the power of every person to smooth out communication difficulties - to do this, one follows the rules of effective communication: listen carefully to the interlocutor, do not interrupt him, encouraging him to talk most of the time, do not allow negative feedback about the interlocutor’s attitude to the subject of conversation , use understanding response techniques. If applying these tips on your own did not help you overcome the barrier in communicating with people, many centers for improving communication skills are ready to help you with this.

Author: Anton Yasyr for the website therapy.by

Causes of communication problems

Communication difficulties do not appear out of nowhere. They have the following prerequisites:

1. The first reason: you are going through a difficult period in your life. Everyone experiences difficulties in life at one time or another. It’s normal to not want to communicate when your soul is anxious. A problem for you may be refusal to return to society.
2. The second reason: you are an introvert. Introverts are people who spend energy when communicating and accumulate energy in solitude. It is vital for them to be alone with themselves. Difficulties in communication arise if a person is alone too often.
3. Third reason: you don't have a healthy communication pattern. Perhaps you were raised in a family where parents did not have communication skills? Don't despair, it is possible to develop social skills at any age.
4. The fourth reason: you do not adapt well to new circumstances. Naturally, you don’t feel comfortable around strangers. Difficulties in communication arise when discomfort does not go away.
5. Fifth reason: you have low self-esteem and a lot of fears. Nobody is one hundred percent confident in themselves. However, if low self-esteem is constant, it becomes obvious to others. And fears play a negative role: you are afraid to open up and behave insecurely.

Nonverbal signs and hints

Problems in communicating with people may also lie in discussing a topic too enthusiastically. Everyone loves to discuss different issues, but some may seem too strange or disgusting to others. You need to be able to understand hints and non-verbal signs that make it clear that “it’s time to change the topic of conversation.” If a person does not recognize them once, twice, three times, then over time no one will want to talk to him.

How to learn to communicate

Do you want to become a sociable and pleasant conversationalist? To gain communication skills, try using the following recommendations:

• listen carefully and do not interrupt the speaker;
• do not judge or devalue the words of your interlocutor;
• develop empathy: learn to empathize and respond to people’s feelings;
• carefully observe the gestures and facial expressions of your interlocutor;
• do not advise unless asked;
• overcome your fears and improve your self-esteem;
• learn to speak competently;
• be friendly and respect other people's opinions;
• get to know and communicate more with different people;
• don't be afraid to open up.

Remember that communication skills do not develop quickly. It will take months, or even years, to get results. You will have to make an effort. With daily practice, don’t doubt – everything will work out! If you can’t cope on your own, seek help from a psychologist.

Emotions

Misunderstanding of emotions is a serious problem. The same topic can cause a positive reaction in some and a negative reaction in others. A person must be able to recognize emotions, otherwise the interlocutor may completely break off contact.

Such problems in communicating with people are common. You can often notice how someone in a company is very fond of dark jokes. If the interlocutor experienced similar feelings, then his emotions and facial expression will change. Many do not notice this, continuing to tell a “funny” incident. This causes further problematic relationships between people.

Rejection

Like any other fear, this one appears in the absence of positive experience. For example, a person wanted to chat, but was rejected. In this case, there is no need to isolate yourself. We need to find a society where, even if a person does not show his best side, they will listen to him and support dialogue. If finding such a team is problematic, you can contact a psychologist.

The language of communication

The most common problems in communicating with people arise when people speak different languages. However, due to the existence of a large number of dialects, representatives of the same nation cannot always talk to each other. Therefore, many prefer to start a dialogue with the person whom they understand 100%.

In addition, it is difficult to communicate with those who are far from certain terminology. You should monitor your speech, making it as clear as possible to your interlocutor.

Presentation

Some people are afraid to express their emotions, feelings, thoughts. As a rule, fear of presentation arises when it is not clear how the interlocutor will react. This factor affects social contacts much more seriously than the misunderstanding described above. Often people with such fears cannot start a dialogue at all. Why is this happening? On the one hand, a person wants to avoid misunderstanding and express his emotions, but on the other hand, he is afraid to do this. Due to the fact that he cannot gain experience, it is difficult to start communication.

What to do in such cases? It is obvious that misunderstanding is a much smaller problem than fear. The only way to get rid of it is to try. Only in this case there is a chance to gain a positive experience. Generally speaking, when trying to establish a dialogue, a person receives certain information that will help him deal with the problem.