10 effective ways to deal with unbearable egoists

For example, some people are constantly trying to make everyone believe that their own world is better, while others are always dissatisfied with something. Still others may talk about themselves for hours, making you feel like you are less important. These selfish people love the idea of “one for all and all for one,” but only when that “one” is themselves.

They will dislike and devalue you if you do not show your “superiority”. If you've met someone who is very selfish, or perhaps you have a friend or partner who is selfish, Faktrum offers some concrete ways to stand up for yourself.

Give yourself the attention you deserve

Selfish people are emotional vampires. They crave your attention but don't give it in return. To avoid being emotionally drained, give yourself the attention you gave to the emotional vampire. For example, if you have any discomfort in your appearance, go to a hairdresser or boutique. This is called "meeting your own needs" and is a great way to boost your self-esteem. Giving your attention to a self-centered person is not virtuous. He needs you only to recharge himself emotionally and feed off your energy.

He dumps all the dirty work on you

An egoistic colleague is a real punishment. He constantly needs to leave work early (his right ear hurts, his left heel hurts, the canary at home is hoarse). He can never stay on duty and, of course, he really counts on you. And when the boss gives out tasks, he bends over backwards to get the most dust-free task.

How to live with an egoist: advice from a psychologist

What to do?

Drive in the neck. Yes, uncivilized, but effective. But what to do if a person does not know limits and takes advantage of your nobility in every possible way? Once I helped out, the second time... That's it, little ones.

Stay true to yourself - don't stoop to their level

Selfish people put pressure on you and try to piss you off. Don't let this happen. Don't play their games, don't participate in a situation you don't control. Don't give in to provocation!

Try to be true to yourself. It is very difficult to be kind to self-centered people who are crazy or treat you badly, but being like them is not the answer. You can alleviate any feelings of anger towards them by focusing on the positive qualities of your personality. Remember that you are a considerate and loving person.

Doesn't want to take responsibility

It happens that we women one day meet him, the main man of our lives. We jump into the love boat with him and generously sit on the oars. And then at some point we discover that our man doesn’t row at all. He sits brazenly in a boat and admires his beautiful reflection in the water. Attention, question! Is it worth continuing to sail together with this subject?

People are divided into two halves. Some, upon entering the room, exclaim: “Oh, who do I see!” - others: “Here I am!” —Bigail Van Beuren

Don't give them the attention they crave.

This is a powerful strategy for dealing with extremely selfish people who do not strive to build equal relationships with others. The trick is to listen to the egoist without offering the level of attention they crave. When talking to them, your words should be bland, non-committal comments.

For example, instead of saying: “Poor thing, what did he do to you?!” - say: “Yes, this is life.” This will throw them off balance for a while. Remember, attention is your treasure. If you don't give it to them, they'll probably walk away.

How to calculate it

An egoist puts himself first, does not think about other people, about members of his family.
Let's look at what the signs of an egoist man are.

Treats other people irresponsibly. You can't rely on him. Such a man ignores all requests. The exception is those that personally benefit him.
He is quite proud, unable to admit his own mistakes, even when he understands that he was wrong. Quite a narcissistic person.
Selfishness in relationships is characterized by emotional abuse. Such a man can verbally offend and morally humiliate his partner, while never apologizing.
Can't stand anyone's criticism. Heavily dependent on praise.
Never interested in other people's opinions. Always relies only on himself, refuses to make joint decisions.
Lacks the ability to openly express one's feelings. At the same time, he expects increased care and attention from his partner.
Often makes promises that he does not keep. He tries to create for himself the image of an all-powerful hero.
Behaves inappropriately if something does not happen the way he wants.
He is never interested in the state of health of his partner, her experiences and feelings.
We depend on financial well-being. Often thinks about his money.
Pretends to listen attentively to the interlocutor, but at the same time will not be able to tell what she was talking about.
He knows about all the shortcomings of his partner. She uses this knowledge to form complexes in her. Thus, he asserts himself at the expense of his beloved.

If you notice a clear manifestation of selfishness in your man, then you need to be prepared for the fact that you will not be able to build a normal relationship with him. Before you decide to connect your life with a person who has a hypertrophied ego, you need to carefully consider your decision, decide whether you are ready for the difficulties of re-education and whether you will accept it if you cannot change it.

Talk about topics that interest you

Bring into a conversation with a self-centered person everything that interests you: carpentry, cooking, politics. For example, if he says, “You won’t believe what my friend told me!” - answer something like: “By the way, do you know how much Bill Cosby is worth?” The more random topics you bring up that are not related to the selfish person's topics, the better.

No matter what, keep your attention on your real interests, and you will see how he will try to hide from you when he realizes that you are not interested in his self-centered stories.

Egoist - who is it?

The desire to improve one’s life, self-development, attempts by any means to achieve one’s goal, putting one’s own interests above other people is a sign of a selfish person. Egoists concentrate on their feelings, personal needs and experiences. They want to have everything better that other people have. Egoists may feel a lack of something, and they do not realize what exactly. Often people with their inherent selfishness remain lonely. Men are not able to create normal relationships with women. In marriage, they often act as tyrants. At the same time, they experience great disappointment when they do not obey their whims.

Three types of egoists are considered:

reasonable - always puts himself first, but at the same time does not concentrate the attention of others on his person, does not become capricious;
inveterate - considers himself the most important, prevents his loved ones from existing peacefully, is confident that everyone should instantly fulfill his desires and whims;
aggressive - does not lend itself to any criticism; any dispute directed in his direction causes a negative reaction. He absolutely does not listen to the opinions of other people. Often a tyrant in relationships.

Stop doing favors

Selfish people always ask for favors, but are never in a hurry to help themselves when you need help. This is normal for them. While you need to be tolerant and give a selfish friend or partner a chance to change, it is also important not to encourage their selfishness, especially if it causes you pain or inconvenience.

So when a selfish person asks too much of you, you need to speak up and make it clear that your feelings are not valued. If you find yourself in a position where you have to defend yourself, keep it short and to the point, as selfish people are not the best listeners.

Don't make assumptions

We often assume things that are incorrect or wrong.
The only way to deal with accusations of selfishness that works is to ask them in a quiet, calm voice what exactly you mean. Can they explain to you exactly how you are selfish? What would you like to change in your behavior? If you cannot do this for some good reason, you can try asking these questions to yourself. For example, society believes that having a child is a kind of self-sacrifice, and not having a child is selfishness. But is this really so? Almost every married person I know, including myself, had children for selfish reasons. They wanted to be loved, they wanted to love (yes, this is also selfishness), they wanted to please their parents, create a stronger relationship with their spouse, increase their social status, and so on. There is nothing wrong with these selfish reasons. It's just important to accept that they are truly selfish. In fact, if we were honest with ourselves that we had children for selfish reasons, most of us would be much more able to accept the fact that children sometimes do not act the way they would like.

“We love to complain about the lack of generosity of others and are much less likely to notice our own omissions in this.” emphasized one psychologist-scientist in one of his works devoted to egoism.

This is a good point, but on the other hand, many of my clients share the fear that they are the ones being selfish.

Actively look for friends

Give up the bad habit of allowing selfish people to get attached to you. Instead, you should look for new friends who will pay as much attention to you as you do to them. You can make connections by getting out of the house more often and meeting new people at charity events or volunteer centers.

Once you make new friends, you can share with them your experience with a selfish person who robbed you of your energy and emotions.

How to deal with selfishness

Selfishness is a controversial topic today. Many books have been written about narcissism, for example, “Generation Me,” and even the concept of “healthy” selfishness has appeared. But it is very unpleasant when the person you are constantly dealing with thinks only about himself and is focused only on his needs. But what to do if you yourself are accused of selfishness, and especially if you understand that it is deserved?

First, let's define the concept. The two main characteristics of selfishness are:

Excessive interest solely in one's own needs.
Indifference to the needs and feelings of others.

If someone is both self-absorbed and uninterested in other people, they are likely to only be responsive to you if you have something to offer them. In order not to experience problems from communicating with selfish people, you need to take this into account and the 4 more tips below.

This is interesting: Cleanliness as a threat to health

Conclusion:

Selfishness is the most common and terrible disease of modern man. And the scary thing about it is that the person himself feeds and supports it, because it benefits him.

At the origin of the manifestation of egoism is always the desire to receive. Get what you want, attention, strength, energy.

And here lies the biggest change. Because in the end it is not the person who receives energy and strength, but the creature that controls him. A parasite that exists due to the emotions and feelings released by a person.

Selfishness and its manifestations are not about character qualities. An egoist and a person are two completely different creatures. Two opposite directions of movement in life.

Me or We. Himself - alone or Together - unification. Development or walking in circles. Destruction or creation. Death or life.

And it is impossible to combine this with each other.

Selfishness always leads to degeneration. A person can completely lose himself and turn into a soulless, cold creature, driven by the desire to satisfy his needs at the expense of others. Become an egoist - a parasite, completely mutate and be reborn into a terrible creature that only looks like a human in appearance.

It is important to understand the essence - the roots of what is happening and consciously make a choice about who to be and live.

Selfishness always manifests itself clearly in the sphere of relationships:

Man is nature.
Man is the world.
Man is a state.
Man is a system.
A person is a person.
With myself.

And so on.

Selfishness is most clearly visible in family, friendship and in man-woman relationships.

If you want to be human, develop human qualities and aspirations in yourself

Qualities inherent in a person and inaccessible to an egoist:

Love
Kindness
Mercy
Sympathy
Joy
Friendship
Generosity
Trust and faith
Hard work
Caring and careful
Heat
Openness
Attentiveness
Gratitude
Sincerity and truthfulness
Quick wits
Wisdom

This means that for everyone who wants to be and live as a human being, it is important:

Learn to negotiate and build relationships.
Remember that the most important and meaningful thing for a person is love and friendship, and they are not bought or sold. Therefore, it is so important to learn to be friends and show love in thoughts, feelings, words, actions and deeds.
Learn to distinguish your human manifestations from selfish ones. Recognize hidden benefits and change them into conscious aspirations.
Move away from rigid beliefs and habitual patterns. Develop flexibility of the body, joints and thinking. Learn something new, do something new, change yourself.
Learn to allow and express different emotions and feelings without destroying yourself or others.
Work and work with joy and inspiration.
Be friends. Create families based on love. Give birth to children in love. Live in love.

And then the parasite that controls a person and exists at his expense will leave, fall off on its own, as it will be left without food.

Lana Chulanova, Ekaterina Zemlyanaya

Getting rid of unhealthy egoism

“After all, all I want is for everything to always be my way,” Bernard Shaw.

What to do if selfishness is so ingrained in you that because of it there is nothing to protect, because no work, no friends, no family, no self-love? PS Yes, don’t be surprised, selfishness and self-love are not identical concepts.

Stop reproaching yourself for selfishness and considering it your sin or vice. Don't get hung up on the idea of getting rid of it. Don’t rush between “egoism is needed, it’s good” and “egoism is not needed, it’s bad.” Selfishness is good in reasonable quantities; it needs to be controlled, not destroyed. More precisely, we are even talking about developing love for oneself and others, self-acceptance. It is human nature to transfer his qualities or attitude towards himself to other people. He who loves himself is able to love others. He who does not love others probably also hates himself, and therefore acts selfishly (E. Fromm).
What is love for another and for oneself (acceptance of others and oneself)? This is confidence in one’s own life, awareness of its meaning, acceptance of responsibility, care and respect, knowledge of oneself and others. You need to cultivate these qualities in yourself.
Don't allow yourself to be manipulated and don't do it yourself.
Take care of your life, don’t let your individuality be deprived. Learn to value the life, freedom and personality of every person. Develop tolerance.
Improve your communication skills. Learn conflict-free communication.
Study your psychological characteristics (temperament, character, abilities) and learn to understand other people. An egoist, as a rule, does not know his capabilities and does not see his own potential. As a result, higher needs (self-realization, self-actualization) remain unformed and undeveloped, and attention is concentrated on lower needs (material benefits and security). Higher needs allow an individual to assert himself, develop himself and at the same time help other people.
Expand your attention span. Learn to think big. Selfishness, that is, petty attempts at self-affirmation at the expense of others, is a consequence of a lack of understanding of the missing link for full personal self-realization and harmony. Have you noticed that charity and generous tips are an integral part of the lives of successful people? No, they do not want public attention to be focused on this (not all of them). This is their new need, which came with harmony and self-actualization. We are not just talking about “stars”, these people live among us, “mere mortals”.
Learn to respect and appreciate yourself, accept and love yourself, adjust your self-esteem, cultivate self-esteem. By the way, a worthy person will not allow himself to offend others, infringe on their interests and ruin lives.
Famous psychologists of the past and present argue that an inferiority complex is often hidden behind egoism. Moreover, it is not always realized by the person himself. Understand yourself, visit a psychologist.
Remember the portrait of an egoist described in the previous paragraph of the article, and act according to the “by contradiction” method. That is, destroy or correct what is applicable to you.

Sharing the position of the German psychologist Erich Fromm, I will say that the means of getting rid of egoism is a productive life, full of creativity and action. Striving to live and create, you yourself will not notice how instead of enemies you will be surrounded by friends, and instead of failures and limitations - successes and opportunities.

In any invention, work of art, song, product of production there is a share of egoism, and a considerable one. But this is the same healthy egoism mixed with altruism, the golden mean. You will receive recognition, self-satisfaction and income, and society will be a useful product. Everyone is happy, no one considers anyone selfish.

Concept and psychology

After the wedding, men return to their usual lifestyle and often begin to demonstrate not their best qualities.

If a husband can eat the last piece of cake without thinking, or slams the bathroom door in his wife's face without any embarrassment, despite the fact that she is late, all the signs of selfishness are evident. This behavior is not uncommon in families.

An egoist is a person who looks after his personal interests as sacred and places them above all else. All thoughts of such an individual revolve exclusively around him alone.

The egoist is concerned only with his benefits and needs. The life philosophy of these people is extremely simple and consists of just one word, give.

The problem is that they rarely give anything in return and are not used to thinking about others. Selfish natures have pronounced characteristics and behavior by which they can be unmistakably identified:

Such people are not used to and do not know how to listen to others . An egoist is inattentive to his interlocutor, often interrupts him and demonstrates complete indifference to the topic of conversation if it does not concern him personally.
A selfish person will not hesitate to cancel a planned meeting and ruin other people’s plans if his mood changes or a more interesting offer appears. They never think about the inconvenience caused to other people.
Ignoring the interests of others is in the order of things for such a person. They take the favor done to him for granted and rarely thank him, and if they do it, it is more for show than from the heart.
An egoist looks at other people through the prism of usefulness. He prefers to communicate with those who can give him something or help him in some way. Such a person, as a rule, is not capable of reciprocating services.
The word "egoism" has Latin roots, "ego", meaning "I". In practice, this means that such an individual considers himself special .
In his opinion, he is superior to others in everything and deserves special treatment. Hence his desire to dominate and manipulate people around him in order to achieve his own goals and well-being.

It is very difficult to communicate and live with an egoist . He constantly tries to solve his problems at the expense of others, does not consider it necessary to provide help to his friends and relatives and does not care about their needs and desires.

Hear each other

Having identified what you are not happy with in your partner’s behavior, talk to him about it, using I-messages.
Describe the disturbing situation objectively, do not attack with claims and accusations, say about yourself: “I feel...”, “I would like...”, “You are important to me...”, “Our relationship is important to me...”. The further development of the situation depends on how the partners hear each other, what needs are currently relevant for each of them, and whether there is a mutual willingness to negotiate. “Sometimes a person doesn’t even think that he is doing something unpleasant, but when he hears it, he agrees to change his behavior or is ready to agree on an acceptable option. It happens that the partner does not hear and does not want to negotiate. In this case, there is a high probability that the relationship will end immediately or after some time,” adds the psychologist.

Where do selfish tendencies come from?

Why men are selfish: children who were favorites in a large family often grow up this way.

But you shouldn’t think that only representatives of the stronger sex have selfish manifestations of character. There are such people among women too.

Such people have been accustomed to receiving the best since childhood. Mom gave the largest piece to the youngest child, and the last piece of candy went to him again. An only child can also be overly favored, which will have a detrimental effect on his character later.

What is selfishness

Selfishness is a style of human behavior based on extracting one’s own benefit from everything and satisfying exclusively one’s own interests, contrary to the interests and desires of other people. There is a concept of reasonable egoism and unreasonable one.

Reasonable selfishness is necessary for survival, building your own life and career. More often found in a group of people, such as a family. Blood ties are extremely powerful, especially in light of stereotypes. It is believed that relatives must be helped (morally and financially). But whether this should be done to the detriment of one’s health and condition, the standard of living of one’s own family (spouse and children) is a question to be answered. Everyone will answer in their own way, but I believe that reasonable egoism is vital for a person. Selfishness helps to achieve the goal of your own life.
In the case when a person is categorical in any little detail, is not able to make compromises and concessions, and forces everyone to “dance to his tune,” unhealthy egoism is observed. This is a negative trait that destroys family, friendships and professional relationships. Communication with such a person is difficult and accompanied by many conflicts.

Reasonable egoism can be characterized as “I don’t touch you, and you don’t touch me,” that is, a person goes towards his goal, but does not interfere with others. Unhealthy egoism forces you to “go over your head,” destroy people’s plans, and plot intrigues. Makes a person angry and cynical.

“It is obvious that by nature, everyone is dear to himself,” Cicero.

The concept of egoism is closely related to the term “individualism”. Let's look at this concept in a broad sense. Modern society is built on the idea of individuality, self-development, self-actualization, which cannot be said about the past years of communism. Back then, almost all goals were common, and therefore little was said about selfishness. Moreover, he was categorically rejected by society. Today, thinking about yourself first is encouraged. Perhaps the growing personal egoism in modern people is the cost of changing the socio-economic situation of the country. There is a suspicion that selfishness is indeed necessary (in reasonable quantities) to survive, provide for and protect oneself and one's family (wife/husband, children).

Dissecting your own thoughts and beliefs

Lyudmila Shagalova advises tracking which thoughts increase irritation: “Suppose you torment yourself with the thought that your partner is selfish, never helps, everything is on you. Let's analyze it. “Egoist” is nothing more than a label (after all, perhaps, if you wish, you can remember situations where your partner shows concern for others and you).

“It never helps” and “it’s all on you” are clear examples of overgeneralization. Try, with a cool mind, to look for arguments that refute or soften this belief.”

Pros and cons of selfishness

Now let's talk about whether it is good or bad to live for yourself without paying attention to the needs and opinions of others.

On the one hand, it is difficult to take care of only yourself. Firstly, there are our family and friends around us who spend their time and energy on us. And it is quite natural to give them part of your time and effort. If you only care about yourself, then sooner or later all your close people move away and an emptiness, a vacuum, forms around you.

On the other hand, giving everything all the time and doing for others is fraught with the fact that your merits (and sometimes sacrifices) are devalued, and it seems to others that everything is as it should be.

Often this contributes to the development of those very selfish qualities in your neighbor and a disrespectful attitude towards you. So it turns out that by constantly fulfilling the desires of others, you are raising another egoist. Don't you think so?

If now someone, having read the previous paragraph, decided that he gives too much to others and wondered: how to become an egoist, then I hasten to warn you that everyone turns away from narcissistic egoists, from those who do not see anyone but themselves.

Therefore, if you want not only to give, but also to receive, then you need not to develop selfishness, but learn to seek a compromise. If you are surrounded by people who are in love with themselves and are incapable of finding a compromise, then it is better to slowly begin to change your environment.

Types and forms of unhealthy egoism

Dictatorial egoism, or “everyone must serve my interests.”
Selfishness of one’s own exclusivity, or “everyone should be a moralist except me if it’s not beneficial for me.”
Anarchic egoism, or “everyone has the right to be an egoist, to pursue their own interests whenever they please.”

In my opinion, few people in the modern world mistake the latter form for selfishness. The second is called “double standards” and we have also long been accustomed to it. But the first type of egoism never goes unnoticed and is unacceptable even for a society of individualists.

Among the forms of egoism one can distinguish super-egoism and egoism-self-destruction:

The motto of the first is: “I am everything, the rest are nothing.”
The motto of the second: “Look what a nonentity I am.”

Sometimes selfishness is mistakenly identified with egocentrism or considered a form of selfishness. This is wrong. Egocentrism (the inability to understand the situation of other people) is a completely different topic.