Over the years, not only a person’s habits and tastes change, but also feelings. Just a couple of years ago you felt hot at the thought of your spouse, but now your sex life has turned into a real nightmare. Why is this happening?
Love has several stages of development.
First you admire your partner, then you dream of pleasure with him, you hope for the seriousness of his intentions, then love is born.
Following love comes the so-called period of “crystallization”, after which a person begins to be tormented by doubts about the correctness of choosing a life partner, and only then comes the moment of truth. At the beginning of a relationship, your loved one acquires all sorts of virtues that you partly attribute to him. Is this exactly what happened in your relationship? Or, ten years after the wedding, do you continue to experience the most tender feelings for your partner? Using the test, you can determine at what stage of development your feelings are.
What is passion in a relationship
A violent emotional outburst—this is what psychology calls heightened super-senses caused by strong physical attraction—is the lot of the young and “hot.” This dominant turns a person into a person who does not belong to himself, wholly dependent on the object of desire. Sexual desire overshadows sanity.
When there is passion in a relationship between a man and a woman, every nerve cell of the sexual partners experiences enormous stress. A condition based on pathological libido is exhausting and psychologically draining. Therefore, sooner or later, the human body, tired of constant overexertion, allows emotions to weaken, and relationships move to another level.
For a man
If the “knight of the sad image” is satisfied with the spiritual attraction to the lady of his heart, then the individual, “sick” with the ardor of love, needs in a relationship the frenzy of feelings and sexual possession of his partner.
At the beginning of a relationship, such intense passion is expressed in symptoms that clearly demonstrate desire:
- A man does not tolerate distance between himself and the object of desire. He needs to feel the closeness of the woman he adores on a tactile and tactile level.
- Low notes prevail in the voice.
- The pose - straightened shoulders, proudly raised chin, chest in a wheel - testifies to the instinct of a sexual hunter.
Passion in a romantic relationship for a man is a manifestation of the dominant principle and the satisfaction of his own needs, primarily physical. Even the most sensual lover is more concerned with his own desires than his partner.
For woman
Women's passion is not inferior to men's in power of manifestation. A volcano of sensuality - this is how you can call a charming woman who has plunged into the abyss of sexual emotions. A partner is not just a donor of pleasure. A passionate nature is ready to make any sacrifice for his sake.
Libido can be recognized by the following signs:
- A woman involuntarily touches her hair, even if there is no need to straighten it.
- A drawn-out, nervous note appears in the voice.
- The pupils are dilated when the object of desire enters the visual zone.
- Her own thoughts and aspirations dominate; during this period, a woman does not accept the advice of people whom she previously trusted.
- Breathing is rapid, and the heart beats faster in the chest if the object of sexual desire is nearby.
In this state, ladies have a powerful temperament and behave relaxed. Every gesture is aimed at seduction.
The passionate relationship between a man and a woman completely captures Eva's sister. She loses her sobriety of thoughts, is incapable of making reasonable decisions, finding herself at the mercy of the elements of super-emotions.
Anyone who has just started a relationship should read this. Stages of relationship development
Before moving on to considering these stages of relationship development, it is worth noting that partners do not always go through them synchronously: one, for example, may already be ready for the fifth stage, while the other is stuck at the third.
The time it takes to complete this entire cycle can also vary greatly, but it usually takes at least 7 years to reach the final stages. 1. Falling in love Yes, yes. This is precisely the period about which so many poems have been written, countless songs sung, and many films made. A person in love literally loses his head from the feelings that wash over him, it’s as if wings grow behind his back, and it seems that gravity is barely holding him in the material world. “Darling, I will give you this star.” But scientists look at what inspires creative people with skepticism. “It’s all about physiology,” they say. Harvard professor Helen Fisher examined lovers using a tomograph and came to the following conclusion. · The brain of a person in love intensely releases some hormones that are responsible for feelings of pleasure and euphoria. But negative emotions and rational thinking are blocked. Particularly high activity was observed in those areas of the brain that are responsible for desires, motivation, attraction and addiction. And here’s what’s interesting: these zones react with the same force to cocaine! The brain activity of a lover and the brain of a person who has taken this drug look very similar. The state of such “chemical love” or ardent love lasts 12-18 months. If this period had continued longer, the body would have suffered from exhaustion, nervous and physical. It has been noted that many lovers actually noticeably lose weight. From a psychological point of view, the following happens. A man and a woman, struck by Cupid's arrow, discover each other and experience a strong attraction. It is like eating an amazing and still unknown fruit. You want to feel the taste again, again and again. Therefore, this stage is also called the saturation stage. 2. Stage of satiety But any taste, even the most wonderful, cannot always be new. Gradually we begin to get used to it and become fed up with it. Once your loved one starts living with you, this stage is just around the corner. For some, this may take a year, while for others, a few months are enough. A state of long-term love can persist when a certain distance in communication is maintained. Hence, long-term romantic relationships that develop at a distance through correspondence or rare meetings. When people begin to live together, they gradually begin to notice in their chosen one not only advantages, but also disadvantages, of which there are not so few. 3. Rejection The state of rejection occurs when the “chemistry of love” no longer works. The rose-colored glasses evaporate, and the person begins to doubt his partner and wonder if he was too hasty in his choice. This is where quarrels and showdowns begin. In fact, there are only two options here: learn to accept your partner with all his shortcomings and move to a new stage of the relationship, or take the “warpath”, unsuccessfully trying to remake the other person for yourself. For many couples, this stage results in complete disappointment in the chosen one and a break in the relationship. At this stage, people often begin to think that they have chosen the wrong partner. It seems that with another person everything would have turned out differently. They break off old relationships, start new ones, but as soon as they reach the same stage they again feel disappointed and are again ready to set out on the search for an “ideal relationship.” If you fail to move to a new level, then such walking in circles can continue throughout your life. 4. Patience In a traditional society, religious and cultural traditions contribute to the preservation of marriage, but in modern society they are greatly weakened. Understanding and working on oneself can help a modern person get through this difficult stage. Many intuitively understand this and it is during this period that they most often seek advice from a psychologist, read specialized literature, and attend seminars. The crisis of the third year of marriage often coincides with the third or fourth stage; this is the very moment when the love boat crashes into everyday life. You can observe the following picture: by the beginning of the fourth stage, many already have a child, the woman transfers almost all her attention to him. Relationships become much more casual. But since now there are new common goals, property, children, it is impossible to follow only emotions and desires. Therefore we have to endure. But the task of this period is not at all to endure the hardships of living together with clenched teeth. If you do this, then such patience may sooner or later burst, or the moment will come when the children grow up. Then the old problem will rear its head again and the couple will feel that the “glue” that kept them together all these years has disappeared, and they again find themselves faced with an unresolved situation: what should they do with each other next. The task of this period is completely different. Tolerance towards one's neighbor is the germ of wisdom and true love. This is a step that helps to overcome selfishness, accept the individuality of another person and understand that “if you want to change something, start with yourself.” If you know how to respect not only your own opinions and desires, but also the needs of your partner, and see in him an individuality, and not dough for sculpting your ideal, congratulations, you are nearing the end of this stage. During this period, there are also quarrels, but they are already manageable, and there is an understanding that the sun will appear again from behind the clouds after a while. Lovers “Very few people know what love is. Ninety-nine percent of people, unfortunately, think that sexuality is love. But that's not true. Sexuality, passion is very animal, it undoubtedly has the ability to develop into love, but this is not real love, but only a possibility” Osho Zen Tarot. VI lasso. 5. Service In fact, only from this stage do we begin to approach the concept of “Love”. At the beginning of the development of a relationship, it may seem that lovers have already achieved it and can selflessly and joyfully do something for their partner. But whether this is really true can only be understood after some time, when the “chemistry of love” subsides and a person’s actions begin to be guided by his true beliefs, and not by endorphins. If at the previous stages the motives were quite egocentric, then here the other person is perceived not as a source of pleasure, but as an object of service. If we want someone to fulfill your desires, this may not be part of the other person's plans, but if we ourselves show a willingness to serve the other person, then he is unlikely to refuse. And over time, perhaps he will have a sincere desire to answer you in kind. In the east, the tradition is still alive, where most people understand that love will not appear out of the blue, it must be cultivated, it must be earned. 6. Respect This is the result of the previous stage. People already know each other well; they have gone through many life trials together. Partners have learned to do what is pleasant and necessary for each other, without demanding anything in return. The couple accumulates a “bank of trust” and gratitude. Partners can easily exchange energy, thoughts and feelings. 7. Love This is the long-awaited fruit that has ripened as a result of patience, understanding and care for each other. The couple understands each other perfectly and experiences great pleasure when communicating. This is a real spiritual achievement and only very few people reach this level. As we mature, we can begin to experience love that goes beyond attraction and respects the unique individuality of another person. We begin to realize that our partner often acts as a mirror, reflecting unseen aspects of our true selves and helping us become more whole. And it seems to me that the words of the Apostle Paul are dedicated to precisely this kind of love: “love endures long, is kind, love does not envy, love does not boast, is not proud, does not behave in an outrageous manner, does not seek its own, is not irritated, does not think evil, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth; covers all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends". If I had never seen concrete examples in my life confirming the truth of these words, I would have decided that everything written above is just another beautiful theory. But several times in my life I had the opportunity to meet couples who, already at a very advanced age, were walking arm in arm along a park alley or riding on the subway. And there was something in their faces and eyes that immediately made them stand out from the crowd; they shone with peace and quiet happiness. They told each other something, smiled and seemed to notice no one around except each other. I am also very grateful to my parents and my husband’s parents, who have lived together all their lives and, through their personal example, showed me that love and selfless care for each other exist and do not disappear over the years, but only gain strength. I believe that true Love is not a random gift of fate, but a reward for efforts, the desire to overcome difficulties and great work on oneself.
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How is passion different from infatuation and love?
The difference between these phenomena is in the manifestation of feelings and the duration of the period of emotional experiences.
Falling in love is permeated with romantic euphoria, which makes illusion mistaken for reality. The object of attention has no negative qualities; the consciousness of the lover completes the ideal image on its own. Pleasant surprises, gifts, compliments are integral attributes of this young feeling. Physical attraction is also present, but does not dominate the personality so much, although those pierced by the arrow of cupid behave instinctively and spontaneously.
The duration of falling in love depends on the individual characteristics of the person. Soft, vulnerable natures retain this feeling for up to five years. Determined subjects move on to the next stage of the affair after two to three months.
Love is a strong attachment based on true sympathy and willingness to connect one’s destiny with a person. If passion in a relationship between a man and a woman lasts a year or three, then love sometimes remains for life; there is no debilitating, burning ardor in the manifestations of feelings. A quiet, measured, reliable connection is stronger than deceptive ardor. Truly family people support each other in difficult times and have the same values in life. All age categories are subject to love. The dominant condition for the birth of a deep, pure feeling is not the desire for unrestrained sex, but mutual personal respect based on spiritual intimacy.
Falling in love: what is it?
There is no exact answer to how long it takes for couples to fall in love, as well as what this concept includes. However, every person has encountered it at least once in their life. In psychology, falling in love means a positive feeling that arises in relation to the object of sympathy. Thanks to it, you will get to know yourself, see new perspectives and opportunities. Falling in love appears as an obsession. She intoxicates people, driving them crazy, but they continue to idolize her and look forward to her.
The older you are, the more difficult it will be for you to survive the state of falling in love and the more ways you have for self-improvement. A person in love concentrates all his attention on his partner. He worries about his condition much more than about his own, and begins to put his own interests in the background. Loving is hard and complex work.
It happens that people become psychologically broken because they were not ready to devote most of their time to another person. Falling in love changes consciousness, idealizing the object, which leads to ignoring the partner’s shortcomings. At the same time, a person often experiences feelings not for a real person, but for a fictitious image.
The most dangerous condition arises against the background of non-reciprocal love. Without receiving reciprocal feelings, a person becomes depressed and often falls into depression. Psychologists console us by saying that the feeling of unrequited love is necessary for normal personality development. It often occurs in people with low self-esteem. How many months love will last, as well as its appearance, does not depend on the person himself, but is part of the process of forming his personality.
Why is there such strong passion at the beginning of a relationship?
At the beginning of time, man was driven by primitive needs - food, protection, satisfaction of lust. With the development of civilization, base instincts were corrected, but not the love craving of a man for a woman, including those that arise unconsciously and suppress other desires.
The first attraction occurs at the level of smell, as in animals, when the male finds the female by pheromones. A person is also able to recognize “his soul mate” thanks to biochemical processes. The feeling that arises is similar to the effects of a drug: the world appears in a different light, emotions are filled with unprecedented brightness due to the neutrophins produced in the body. A person feels a never before experienced fireworks of feelings, and the novelty of the psychological state delights. Therefore, the ardor is especially strong in the first weeks of the novel.
In a relationship between a man and a woman, passion arises already at the stage of falling in love, when the guy and girl begin to experience strong physical attraction. If human rationality overcomes lust, then the hormone dopamine, designed to achieve the goal, weakens, and love intimacy is without wild sexual unbridledness. Otherwise, the desire to passionately possess a partner will continue to dominate all other sensations. The possessive instinct will also grow, destroying the healthy atmosphere in the couple.
Signs of feeling
Falling in love is accompanied by certain symptoms. By comparing them with your feelings, you will understand whether you have this feeling or not.
The main features include:
- A feeling of happiness and a joyful state. Positive feelings arise simply from the thought that a loved one exists. The perception of the world is changing. You begin to notice and also appreciate the joys of life. If the partner was previously a pessimist, now his views become more optimistic.
- Daydreaming. Against the background of a new feeling, fantasies about the future arise, including the object for which they feel in love. In all dreams the couple is happy. At the same time, fantasies look quite real and feasible. In them, you can also imagine situations in which you show your best side to your partner, for example, saving him.
- Desire for constant contact. When you are in love, you will always feel the desire to touch or talk to a person, and these will be completely frivolous topics. You may not even notice how you’ve been talking with your partner about the weather and other little things for an hour. Falling in love gives you a reason to appreciate every moment of communication.
- Vulnerability. You become more vulnerable. Any words spoken to you will cause long thoughts, especially if they were spoken by a loved one. In addition, he can easily manipulate you. It is important to stop in time and understand whether you are being used for personal gain.
- Willingness to make concessions. When a person is in love, he is ready to make any sacrifice. If the love is not mutual, then such sacrifice will not be appreciated with dignity, and you will feel empty.
After what period of time does passion begin to fade?
Scientists have been studying the chemistry of love for many centuries and have found that real passion in a relationship between a man and a woman lasts from 12 months to a year and a half, although some natures are able to maintain this psychological state for three years.
The time frame is determined by the requirements of nature - this is how much a representative of the human species needs to bear and feed offspring.
While the passion of love lasts, the hormones norepinephrine and dopamine dominate in the body. As they accumulate, they suppress serotonin, the hormone of pleasure, which makes mood swings inevitable. During a long period of sexual intimacy, the body produces vasopressin and oxytocin, which are responsible for the formation of relationships in a new form. Now partners are controlled not by the desire to achieve and receive, but by a feeling of care and affection. Over-emotions pass. The romantic veil falls from the eyes, and the partners see each other in a real light, however, if the basis was initially sympathy, and not just lust, a tender relationship will last for many years.
Passion in a relationship disappears without a trace due to routine and psychological fatigue provoked by one of the partners. To restore the former brightness of feelings, you need to understand the reasons for the collapse of love fervor.
We're rethinking everything
Are you familiar with the phrase: “Paralysis by analysis”? Excessive analysis of actions and intentions completely kills the close connection between people.
Don’t worry and try to think of reasons for your actions. It's better to ask the person a direct question.
Source: iStock
Has your partner hurt you in the past? And you worry every minute that he will do it again? Your anxiety is almost a guarantee that the situation will repeat itself.
What are the main reasons why passion fades in a relationship?
A sensual explosion, initially based on the carnal attraction of a guy and a girl, after a while, if the connection is harmonious, is replaced by love filled with care and tenderness.
This period can be endless if the partners do not lose interest in each other and maintain freshness of emotions and strong affection.
Once you forget about the “food” for the love flame, the passion in the relationship between a man and a woman disappears. Novelty gives way to routine, and ardor gives way to indifference and irritation due to every little thing in the actions and character of a lover.
The moment when a girl realizes that there is no passion in her relationship with a guy leads to disappointment and an attempt to start looking for another candidate for the role of an ideal companion.
Growing grievances
Passion in relationships often fades due to understatement and suppression of bitterness that arises during quarrels. Lovers, psychologically getting used to each other, often prove that they are right by entering into conflicts and resorting to personal insults. After the scandal, reconciliation comes, but the residue does not disappear. The accumulation of grievances leads to the melting of the magical halo over the head of a loved one. Moreover, it is impossible to forget all the unpleasant words spoken to you.
Selfishness or perfectionism of one of the partners
Reciprocity of feelings is the main condition for a mature relationship. If one of the participants in the love idyll begins to “pull the blanket” on himself, he turns his partner into a beggar, receiving meager alms instead of real positive emotions. The selfishness of a loved one crushes, attraction ceases to give joy, and the passion in the relationship goes away, and the breakup brings relief.
Another problem that ruins all romances is the perfectionism of one of the partners. The painful desire for the ideal will destroy the fragile sensual castle: after all, there are no people who never make mistakes.
Lack of romance
The ardor, charming with romantic spontaneity, quickly disappears if obligations and debt appear threefold. The bride and groom pamper each other with sweet surprises, enjoying walks together, while spouses living under the same roof prefer to spend their leisure time separately. After all, there is no passion in a relationship, there is no desire to pleasantly surprise your loved one. There is only duty, which invariably gives rise to psychological fatigue.
A woman whose relationship with her husband lacks passion is worthy of pity. Her life is filled with hopeless despondency. Boring routine leads to rapid old age.
Emotional fusion
A single emotional network that appears in a family also leads to the extinction of passion. Spouses acutely feel each other's anxiety, which affects the suppression of their own feelings. With a constant attempt to control the situation, psychological burnout occurs. Passion in relationships disappears because the explosion of sensual emotions does not tolerate strict control.
Constant search for compromises
The desire to smooth out rough edges, so as not to provoke a quarrel, inevitably also leads to a problem - the passion in the relationship goes away, leaving dissatisfaction with oneself and the partner.
Finding compromises is necessary, otherwise marriage will be more like a war. But a powerful, serious strategy with calibrated actions and thoughtful moves eliminates ardor, and the latter gradually fades away. Therefore, you need to look for compromises carefully, without turning yourself into a victim.
Madonna-Whore Syndrome
The feeling of novelty and explosion of sexual desire sometimes disappears due to the Madonna-Whore complex, which a man can suffer from.
Guys with such psychological pathology mentally divide women into two camps: caring, faithful wives and promiscuous girls. Relationships with “Madonnas” are built on respectful chastity. "Harlots" was created for entertainment, not for family life. As a result, the husband cannot imagine his beloved wife as a mistress, reducing sex with her to zero.
Often the reason for the appearance of a complex is the mother’s excessive possessive love for her son, who, as an adult, will begin to search for a woman who reminds him of his mother. There is no passion in a relationship with such a “mama’s boy,” because any attempts by the wife to embellish family life will plunge the husband into horror and shame.
The Madonna-Whore complex also grows if in childhood the child experienced his father leaving the family, and the psychological wound was transformed into a painful conviction about the lustfulness of female nature.
If passion fades in a relationship for this reason, a man needs to visit a psychologist and undergo a course of treatment.
So what's the deal?
Why did the passion disappear in your couple? It's not always about routine, differences in interests, or the fact that the relationship has been going on for a very long time. Often the reason may lie in insufficient trust between partners, in fears, beliefs, misunderstandings, or simply in the fact that you don’t talk much with each other on frank topics and, as a result, do not know about each other’s true desires and needs.
Relationships between people are shaped by their life experiences, conditions and circumstances of their past, and mostly unconsciously. All these are mental processes. And you can truly understand how your relationship with your particular partner is formed by working with a specialist.
I am a psychologist and provide consultations via Skype. Together with you in consultation, we will be able to understand what formed the relationship you have now, and how this can be changed.
You can sign up for a consultation with me through VKontakte, Instagram @litvinova_lara or the form on the website. You can find out about the cost of services and the scheme of work here. You can read or leave reviews about me and my work using the link.
When true love begins
How long falling in love will last, and when love begins, directly depends on the couple. These are individual indicators. Over time, a strong attachment arises, a trusting relationship is formed, but falling in love begins to subside. You will see flaws in your partner that you had not noticed before, and you will stop idealizing him.
If at the beginning of the relationship you were attracted to a person’s physical characteristics, now the basis of attraction will be the person’s personal positions and his spiritual world. At this time, feelings should develop into love, but it happens that the couple separates. Not everyone can cope with changes in relationships. If love has nevertheless formed, then people in love begin to care about each other even more, and shortcomings cease to be the causes of conflict situations. This strong feeling can be carried throughout your life, then over time it will only become stronger.
Three year hypothesis
There is a theory that falling in love usually lasts 3 months or 3 years. There is a deal of truth in it. This hypothesis is connected with the fact that during the first three years the couple feels euphoria, happiness and strong passion. Relationships are accompanied by joyful and vibrant feelings that strengthen the affection between people. Gradually, falling in love passes, but it is difficult for people to separate, since they have lived together for a long time and have become accustomed to each other.
If during this period a person accepts the shortcomings of his partner and tries to understand him, then the feelings will only intensify. A love connection is formed between people. In this case, love will not pass in 3 years or 3 months, but will only begin. Only selfishness and daydreaming, which are often found in a person in love, will disappear.
