Some people are afraid of emotional attachment, and instead of joy and happiness, love creates anxiety and even panic. This is called philophobia, an irrational and unfounded fear of falling in love. Fear of relationships can affect a person's life to such an extent that it becomes difficult for him to start a family.
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The essence of a phobia
In medicine, this phenomenon is described as an overwhelming, abnormal and unreasonable fear of falling in love. Severe rejection of all expressions of love leads to real physical symptoms that interfere with a person's daily life and affect his personal connections with friends, family and loved ones.
Some people suffering from this disease are aware of their irrational state, but find it difficult to control it. And even if a person falls in love, it causes severe emotional shock. Some people are so afraid of love that they cannot open up to anyone.
They do have a serious relationship, but they are not able to fully support it. Their mental well-being often depends on the reaction of their loved one. This keeps them constantly tense and anxious.
Sign up for group training
Sometimes it happens that you cannot even start a relationship. No matter what guy you like, things don’t go further than secretly falling in love with him. Perhaps you are too shy and uptight. Stretching, yoga, Pilates, and dancing will help you relax.
By the way, physical activity helps keep your figure in good condition. Those girls who don’t like their own body should sign up for a gym, or maybe even a session with a personal trainer. No guy will love you until you love yourself.
A simple truth that many brush aside like an annoying fly, but on the whole it works so much that it is a real crime to ignore it.
Yes, by the way, this is an interesting fact, but a girl’s self-esteem is influenced not only by how she perceives herself, but also by how others perceive her.
Symptoms of a phobia
There are many different symptoms of this disorder. Typically they vary from person to person. They are divided into two categories: psychological and physical.
As for psychological symptoms, some people are afraid of any attachment and run away from it. At the same time, convincing myself: I am afraid of relationships and any manifestation of romance.
Others may enter into an alliance, but they end up becoming possessive or jealous.
Psychological symptoms also include:
- feeling powerless and confused in your emotions and personal life;
- severe anxiety and nervousness;
- maximum suppression of internal experiences;
- completely avoiding places where couples meet, such as parks and movie theaters;
- avoidance of marriage and other wedding ceremonies;
- isolation from the outside world.
Physical signs of the disorder include trembling, rapid heartbeat, fainting, chest pain, sweating, numbness, breathing problems, and nausea.
Panic and anxiety attacks are also common. The patient suffers from frequent dizziness, a desire to run away from everyone and cry for no reason.
Fear of experiencing new pain
Inna Samokhina: Father Nektary, often the fear of entering into a relationship is also caused by some kind of trauma that a past relationship inflicted on a person. What to do with it?
Hegumen Nektary (Morozov):
Yes, that happens too. Of course, a person who has experienced pain is afraid that a new relationship may also cause pain. We all know the proverb that a man who gets burned on milk blows on water.
But you can’t be captive of your fears all your life, you can’t expect defeat over and over again all your life, and not only in relation to your personal life, but in general in principle. Therefore, any person who is afraid of something has the task of overcoming this fear, because only when he overcomes it will he be able to live freely, only in this case can he be happy, and only in this case can he be that personality, the person the Lord wants him to be.
Otherwise, it will be some kind of creature, curled up, like a hedgehog that has encountered some danger and turned into a prickly ball, or like some kind of snail that has climbed into its house. It is clear that if you live in a house, you won’t live a full life, and if you hide in a hole, you won’t live either, and if you curl up in a prickly ball, you won’t live either - it will be just survival. But we were not born to survive, we were born to live.
If you experience some kind of pain again, don’t see it as a tragedy. In fact, our lives are more fulfilling. Sometimes there is more pain, sometimes there is less, but it is impossible in principle to live life without the situations that cause it.
Another thing is possible: to outgrow this pain, become stronger, stop feeling it so acutely and begin to accept it as something not just a given, inevitable, but as something that contributes to our all-round growth. Archimandrite Sophrony (Sakharov) has words that grace does not come to a heart that has not suffered. But in the same way, not only the grace of God, but also maturity and experience do not come to one who has not been beaten.
Where does this saying come from, that for one beaten, two unbeaten are given? A beaten person is a much more experienced person, a much more mature person, a person who knows something in life that the one who was not beaten does not know. It's the same here - when you experienced pain, you survived it, you outgrew it, you rose above it. And if you remain her hostage, then in all other cases she will pursue and frighten you. There is no need to be a victim. This victim psychology is completely destructive for a person’s entire life, and for his personal life in particular.
There is a very simple way out here - to internally say to yourself: “Yes, maybe it will happen, but so what? If I don’t try, nothing will happen at all, I’ll just be the way I live now - with nothing in my hands.”
Causes
There are many theories why there is a fear of relationships with the opposite sex. Some therapists believe that the reaction is triggered by negative experiences from the past. For example, parents’ divorce, watching their quarrels. Or a person witnessed domestic violence in the family as a child. If a person has had setbacks in his personal life in the past, such as divorce, this may well cause distress. The reaction is to avoid all intimacy so that there is no pain.
Many cultures and religions prohibit love between a man and a woman under certain circumstances, considering it a sin. This creates great panic in the mind of a person as he is sure that he will incur the wrath of the elders, society or God if he shows strong feelings for the opposite sex.
Specific abnormalities may also be related to genetics, environment, and changes in brain function.
A person feels less confident in getting involved with someone if they have experienced depression. It weakens the mind and negatively affects self-esteem. A depressed person is more vulnerable; he wants to isolate himself from people and avoid any love attachments.
Fear in women
In women, fear of intimacy with the opposite sex is expressed in isolation and aversion to men. There may be several reasons.
Troubled childhood. As a teenager, a girl falls in love, but usually secretly, inferiorly, or without trusting her partner.
Negative experience. For the fair sex, experienced disappointments and betrayals are serious obstacles to falling in love again. Fear of a repetition of the situation gives rise to negative associations.
Associated phobias. For example, fear of physical contact. Such women fall in love easily, but are not able to maintain long-term relationships.
Low self-esteem. When a woman positions herself as a partner unworthy of respect, this leads to discomfort on both sides and a break in the relationship.
Phobia in men
With the male sex everything is different. They are not used to showing weaknesses, and much is expected of them. For example, from childhood they are taught that they are the future defenders, breadwinners and breadwinners of their family. However, such excessive demands can have the opposite effect, and men will refuse to take responsibility.
Men's problems in their intimate life also do not allow them to build strong relationships. The cause of a psychological disorder can be any material difficulties.
They lay down the stereotype that a woman considers it unworthy to associate herself with a man who is not able to provide for himself.
Avid bachelors also unwittingly develop this aversion to serious relationships. They find it difficult to give up a lifestyle full of freedom and ease.
Fear of new relationships
Fears of anything new are based on the unknown. It is most difficult for sensitive individuals, women who have once experienced betrayal, careerists and insecure people.
They already have their own comfort zone, in which there is no worry, stress and pain. They perceive every new alliance as a threat.
Fear of serious relationships
Fear of a serious union is, in essence, fear of obligations for which the partners are not psychologically ready.
Panic is caused by any event that is in one way or another connected with the future and responsibility, be it the usual acquaintance with parents or talk about a wedding. Ideally, only two accomplished and self-confident individuals can build such a life together.
Fear of intimate relationships
People who are afraid of sexual intimacy, kissing and even touching consider such intimate events to be an invasion of personal space. This disgust mainly has a religious background. For example, strict upbringing in a religious family, where any manifestation of feelings is taboo.
Down with embarrassment!
How can you overcome your fear of communicating with a guy and become more confident? After all, you don’t want a meeting with the person you like to turn into a disaster due to constraint, anxiety and the inability to even express your thoughts. There are a lot of ways that will help you feel more free in the future when communicating with people, remaining yourself and at the same time deftly making a favorable impression on any guy.
If the cause of self-doubt is complexes regarding appearance, then you should decide what exactly you are not happy with about yourself. Perhaps change your modest style of clothing and choose a brighter, but not provocative one that would suit you. Or you should radically change your image: change your hairstyle, hair color, wardrobe, find new interests and hobbies. Often girls are dissatisfied with their body, in which case it is worth signing up for dancing or a gym. It is guaranteed that even after a couple of lessons, every girl will already feel more confident, even if significant changes in her figure have not yet been observed. A well-groomed and beautiful girl will always be happy with her appearance, which means she will radiate confidence that others cannot help but notice.
If you are embarrassed to talk to a guy, feel lost, cannot formulate a sentence, but at the same time communicate freely with friends, always remember that every guy is an ordinary person, just like everyone you know, so don’t bother. The way you may have been raised as a child about how not to talk to boys and how decent and modest girls should behave only adds to your insecurities. Don’t get hung up on moralizing, behave naturally and freely.
If the experience is too strong, then you should practice developing your speech: read books out loud, start a conversation on the street with strangers, expand your circle of friends and interests. You can also think through topics for discussion in advance when meeting a guy, say your remarks out loud in front of the mirror to see how you look from the outside when talking.
Fear of relationships: how to get rid of it
In any situation involving feelings and intimacy, the only person you can control is yourself. You have to decide who to be with. It is important to take several actions to begin to break down internal barriers.
Face your phobias head on. To avoid giving in to fears, it is important to first admit that you have them. Avoiding the conditions that cause them is not a solution, but makes the problem worse.
Philophobia usually occurs after a bad experience with a previous partner, so gradually letting go of negative emotional memories will lead to you being able to open up to love.
Learn to manage your emotions. Feelings change thinking and can go out of control if left unchecked. One must try to leave behind all irrational thoughts created by past experiences and expectations for the future.
Trust people. Keeping all negative feelings inside yourself is very dangerous.
Communication is key. You must open up to people you trust. A simple conversation with a loved one will make you look at things differently and help reduce emotional stress.
Give yourself time. Emotional wounds can take days, weeks, or even months to heal. Take time to properly focus on your life and learn to live with yourself, discover new experiences and find ways to be happy.
Seek help if necessary. Since this is an anxiety disorder, it is recommended to see a psychologist or psychotherapist. He will give you recommendations so that you can understand where your illness is coming from and prescribe treatment.
Olga F.
What to do if a girl is afraid of relationships with men
Love and relationships occupy an important place in the life of a person of any gender, but sometimes it’s not just fear, but philophobia that prevents you from finding your soul mate and creating a happy family. Fear of love occurs after a failed relationship, unhappy love or due to self-doubt, and is not uncommon, but sometimes such fear becomes uncontrollable and turns into a phobia.
Treatment by a doctor
For symptoms of heterophobia, group therapy has proven itself very well.
In modern society, heterophobia is considered something shameful and is often associated with a person’s secret homosexuality. Because of this, many people suffering from this disorder are afraid to talk about their problem for many years, which is why their quality of life is significantly reduced.
The following techniques help to effectively combat manifestations of heterophobia:
- behavioral and cognitive therapy;
- group therapy, as a result of which the patient can understand that fear is present not only in him, but also in other people;
- psychoanalysis, which allows us to identify the very root cause of the problem (the presence of a traumatic situation that became the impetus for the development of a phobia);
- psychological support from a specialist and loved ones;
- hypnosis according to Erickson, which allows the specialist to identify the very essence of fear, removing it from the patient’s subconscious.
If psychotherapeutic treatment turns out to be ineffective, a specialist may prescribe psychotropic and sedatives to the patient.
Due to the fact that female frigidity and male erectile dysfunction have a psychological cause, symptomatic treatment of these pathologies is not carried out. Once the root cause of the phobia is eliminated, the physiological problems go away on their own.
Adviсe
Look at the happy couples and families. It is important to make sure that the relationship can have a happy continuation when moving to a serious stage
If you are familiar with the phrase “I’m afraid of relationships with men,” then it’s time to come to the realization that it’s time to overcome these fears within yourself, learn to live fully, and easily establish relationships with people of the opposite sex.
- If a girl is afraid to start a relationship because of a bad experience, she must come to the realization that no two people are exactly the same, and if she was betrayed once, this does not mean that this will happen again.
- A woman must learn to listen to her inner voice, to her intuition. If she feels that the person who is next to her is not sent to create a serious relationship, then she needs to let him go. Perhaps you are not afraid of relationships in general, but you are afraid of the future together with a specific partner who is now nearby.
- If a girl is afraid that a guy will sooner or later stop loving her or meet someone else, then with such thoughts she only provokes this. It is important to believe in yourself, in your uniqueness, perfection, in the fact that your partner’s feelings are real and he will never betray you. At the same time, it is necessary not to exclude such a possibility and treat it with a calm soul. A woman must understand that if this happens and the guy really breaks up with her, then he is not her destiny, there is nothing to be upset about. He was simply sent for experience.
- If you are afraid to start a relationship with a man because he may turn out to be a tyrant or despot, you need to realize that if something happens, you can simply pack your things and leave. Of course, there is no need to endure such bullying. If this fear is dictated by a sad experience from childhood, then you need to program yourself so that on your way you will not come across the same man as your mother once met. Convince yourself that you deserve a good, caring person and sooner or later he will be there.
- If the unknown scares you, then watch couples who are happy and spending time together, for example, walking with their children on the playground or having fun at the shopping center. Think about the fact that you deserve to be happy and have your own family.
- If you have too low self-esteem and fear that the guy will eventually be disappointed that he decided to start a family with such a girl, then it’s time to start loving yourself, prove to yourself and everyone around you that you are a beautiful, smart and caring woman.
Now you know what to do if a girl is afraid of a relationship with a guy. Remember that, first of all, you need to determine the reasons that provoke the emergence of fear. If you can’t cope on your own, you shouldn’t be afraid to seek help from a psychologist. Every woman deserves the right to be happy and have the opportunity to start her own family, to find a loved one nearby who will become her support and support for the rest of her life.
Nobody comes near
One of the most popular reasons for fear of a serious relationship is excessive demands on a partner. As a rule, such people say something like this: “All the good ones are already taken, but I just don’t want anything” or “Everything about it is good, and I love it, but I just don’t like cats (snores, earns little) "and stuff like that.
It happens that such people break off relationships even with those they truly loved. Such specimens usually have inflated self-esteem or even narcissism. The more years pass, the more likely it is that the other half will never be found.
Because at the age of twenty, young people experience a feeling of falling in love, thanks to which a lot is forgiven and their eyes are closed to a lot. But over the years, we stop experiencing such vivid feelings, and rather choose a partner based on the compatibility of our views on life, common hobbies or aspirations.
Condemnation of others
“She’s a mother of three children, it’s time to calm down, and not run around with men!” - Many potential brides are so worried about public opinion that they do not dare to challenge it.
What to do. Ignore stupid and envious people. Let them think what they want, you can’t please everyone
But the opinion of children is really important. If a suitable candidate appears on the horizon, try to carefully introduce him into your family
Make it clear to the children that he does not pretend to be their dad and do not in any way interfere with meetings with their real father. Let your lover try to become a friend to your kids - then there will be less jealousy towards the “newcomer”. And don’t be tormented by feelings of guilt: the children will soon grow up and start families. And who will you be left with if you give up on women’s happiness?
