In the life of every child, there comes a most difficult period - growing up. This stage of transformation into a teenager often leaves him confused. He is not yet used to his new self. Often parents also feel nervous about this. But they are able to cope with their problem and help the child survive this stage.
The article discusses the key problems of adolescence, the reasons for their occurrence and effective ways to combat them. How should parents behave with a difficult teenager, and why do children at this age bring a lot of problems to mom and dad?
Problem #1 – an illusory sense of independence and maturity
Basically, adolescence begins with the teenager’s message that he has already grown up and is able to solve his problems on his own. This applies to homework, which he may or may not do (at will), walks with friends until late at night, rash purchases not agreed upon with his parents.
Phrases from mom and dad about how they provide for the child, give him pocket money, and feed him, do not reach the teenager. He has matured, realized this and innocently believes that he has become independent.
The reason for this behavior:
lack of everyday experience in a newly formed teenager.
The main problem of youth is the uncontrolled consumption of a large amount of publicly available “adult” information. And in the absence of the help of a wise mentor, not a single teenager can analyze it and correctly assess the situation. With questions from the series “what is good and what is bad?” Now no one comes to the parents. Nowadays, the answer can easily be found on the Internet.
What to do:
The main task of parents is not to start a problem, and not to give the child freedom in all his actions. Perhaps the teenager will learn from his own mistakes to act correctly, but it is better to protect him from these mistakes in time.
Note! Excessive guardianship and complete control of a teenager’s actions are unacceptable. Parents should act unobtrusively, showing open interest in his activities, hobbies and worries, listening to his opinion and showing love.
You cannot criticize the actions of a teenager or evaluate them. The main thing in a relationship with a teenager is that parents and the child must listen to each other and respect each other’s opinions. This will lead to mutual understanding.
Ways to resolve psychological problems of modern teenagers
If we think based on the main groups of the main problems of adolescents listed above, we can see the following methods of working with them:
- Education. Parents should communicate with their children on the topic of sex in accessible language, but without unnecessary details. Focus on contraception, the consequences of early sexual intercourse, and your own first experience, if it is positive. The conversation should not be in the form of moralizing, but in the form of a friendly conversation. Better - with a parent of the same sex. Communication on this topic should be honest, it is advisable to try to answer all the questions that arise in a growing child. There is nothing shameful in these conversations; it will be worse if the child learns about everything in a distorted form from peers, or due to lack of information, becomes infected with an unpleasant disease or participates in the conception of the child.
- In case of destructive behavior, which consists of criminal actions or bad habits, it is important to establish psychological contact with the child in a timely manner, find the right words for him and direct his need for self-realization in a more peaceful direction: sports, art, creativity. If parents feel that they can no longer influence the situation on their own, then they should turn to specialists - psychologists and psychotherapists.
- To reduce the risk of a child falling into “bad” company, it is important to maintain an emotional connection with him, constantly talk to him about topics that interest him, demonstrate your love, but try to unobtrusively keep his behavior in a positive direction, and gently communicate the unacceptability of deviant behavior in society.
- The tendency to depression is usually caused by a predisposition of the nervous system to this, but aggravation occurs against the background of misunderstanding and non-acceptance of the teenager by adults. If you experience signs of depression: apathy, constant sadness, a decrease in the number of contacts, thoughts about your insignificance, it is important to understand the reasons in time and try to eliminate them together. If the situation gets out of control, you should contact a psychologist or psychotherapist.
Problem #2 – hot temper
Excessive irritability is a common companion of adolescence. For this reason, many conflict situations arise - with parents, friends, and relatives. Any prohibition or misunderstanding on the part of mom and dad is taken to heart. Being in a state of rage, the teenager shows aggression, speaks rudely and may even throw some object at the wall.
Why is this happening:
The reason for this behavior is sudden physiological changes and hormonal impulses. The nervous system is not yet ready for such surges, and it needs time to adapt to the new functions of the teenage body. Another reason for this behavior is unpreparedness for independence. Such responsibility frightens teenagers, makes them nervous and rude.
What to do:
Parents must remember that snapping back is wrong. There is no need to set a negative example for your child with your aggression. The main thing for them is to wait until the attack of nervousness passes, everyone calms down, and only then discuss the existing problem. Parents must convey to the teenager that impudent behavior will hurt loved ones, offend them and even ruin relationships.
By showing aggression, a teenager will get rid of negative emotions, but it will not make him feel better. It will only provoke conflict.
Problem No. 3 – closedness
As the child grows older, he becomes withdrawn. He has new needs that he does not want to talk about. For him, virtual communication comes to the fore, and real communication (with parents, peers) fades into second place. On social networks, teenagers make new friends with whom they can discuss the most frank topics without hesitation. They do not need to look their interlocutor in the eyes when discussing intimate things.
Cause:
the need for anonymous communication arises from the fear of being criticized, shamed and ridiculed.
What to do:
Despite the teenager’s desire to spend all his time alone, parents should not provide him with such an opportunity. You need to approach him and offer options for spending time with your family - riding bicycles, going to the cinema, playing sports.
Note to parents! If there are several children in the family, you can nominate an older brother (sister) as a negotiator - most likely, the teenager trusts them more than his parents.
New puberty
It's not just diseases that make you younger. Puberty has also shifted its timing, and transitional age in modern children can begin at 11, 12, and sometimes even 10 years. Already at this age, we can see the prerequisites for the emergence of a difficult teenager: the child stops studying, gives up his previous hobbies, is insolent to adults, spends the whole day on the Internet, gets involved with a dangerous company and behaves strangely.
These seemingly drastic changes do not happen out of nowhere, and the reason may be the psychological climate in the family or school, or, for example, unfavorable heredity. To understand why it became difficult with a child, it is necessary to reconstruct the chain of all possible reasons.
Problem #4 – dependence on devices
Every parent is familiar with the picture when not a single meal is complete without a mobile phone or tablet, and when a teenager sits with a smartphone all night, thereby reducing the duration of sleep.
The reason for this behavior:
a huge number of functions in gadgets.
Teenagers are active and inquisitive creatures. They learn more and more information every day as they have many questions as they grow older. In addition, they must discuss pressing issues, observe their peers and idols on the social network. The fascinating and active life of modern teenagers cannot be imagined without functional new products.
What should parents do:
they need to realize that most of the problems of teenage children come from relationships in the family. If a parent takes a smartphone even to the toilet, he sets a negative example for the child. We need to look for a way out of this situation together - spend more time communicating, go for walks, and engage in active sports.
Problem #5 – trying to prove your own importance
The desire to make decisions independently, the teenager refuses to fulfill requests and demands, or does it all out of spite.
Why is this happening:
This behavior is provoked by the presentation of increased demands to children. By not following the rules, teenagers prove to others their own importance.
What to do:
To prevent conflicts, parents should not put pressure on the child. When he does not listen or protests, it is important to listen to his reasoning and allow him to express his own opinion.
Note! This mechanism is also common among peers - everyone forgets that teenagers are demanding of their peers. Both sides must learn to listen to each other and respect each other's opinions.
Conformism
Adaptability and unscrupulousness forces a teenager to be as is accepted in his group or his environment. A clear manifestation of conformism is the desire to be fashionable. In an atmosphere of advertising proliferation, this trait is very common.
In adolescents, conformism takes on an exaggerated content; sometimes he is afraid of being different from everyone else and falling behind the rules of the group to which he belongs. This mood makes the child dependent on peers, and feels uncomfortable at a distance from them. By adapting, a teenager can do things that are harmful and illegal.
Adolescents' conformity is formed under the influence of their environment
To prevent this from happening, it is important for a child to be able to say “no” to what will harm him. This requires courage and confidence. He should know that the ability to say “no” is cool and worthy of respect. The one who knows how to defend his position is most often a leader. Once a teenager is refused at least once, his confidence in his abilities grows.
Problem #6 – unreciprocated love
This feeling causes apathy and resentment, which the teenager splashes out on those around him, except for the object of his adoration. As a result, he becomes depressed.
Cause:
period of romance, the desire to love and be loved.
What to do:
The psychology of adolescence is difficult to understand. Parents make the mistake of telling their child phrases like “you are still young, you will have many more like her.” Such advice will make the situation worse. Having fallen in love for the first time, a teenager becomes vulnerable and suffers morally. These feelings are so strong that they manifest themselves physiologically.
Adults probably know what feelings their child experiences during this period. Their task is to support the teenager and unobtrusively offer help:
- read articles or posts on social networks on this topic;
- visit blogs;
- look through the diaries of your peers, which are in the public domain;
- watch films about unrequited love, etc.
It is necessary to ensure that during the period of unrequited love the teenager’s self-esteem does not decrease. We need to support him and explain that he is a good person, but his object of adoration is not yet ready for high feelings.
Dangers of adolescence
I was once deeply struck by the phrase of the Russian writer-doctor V. Veresaev: “At five years old, every child is a genius, and at fifteen he is a bastard.” I was hooked, probably, because I myself was then in a “scum” period of my life...
Everyone has heard that teenagers have a so-called “difficult age,” which was previously believed to be caused by hormonal changes during puberty. But research in recent years has proven that the problems of adolescence are more likely associated with the characteristics of the electrophysiology of the brain, as well as with the “herd feeling”, which is strong precisely in this age period. By the way, keep in mind that in world practice, teenagers are usually people from 13 to 19 years old.
Anatomical and physiological features of the central nervous system
The most detailed description of these features is found in the works of psychologist Lawrence Steinberg of Temple University, Philadelphia.
The relative lack of gray matter in the prefrontal areas of the adolescent brain leads to difficulties in coordinating neuronal activity. For example, a nerve impulse may go to a completely different part of the brain that was necessary to solve the problem. Because of this, problems with logical thinking sometimes arise.
Also, during adolescence, the process of myelination is not complete, and myelin is the electrical insulation of axons, which allows impulses to move faster. Therefore, connections between different parts of the brain do not work clearly, since the “insulation of wires” leaves much to be desired.
There are many more dopamine receptors at a young age than in an adult, so teenagers experience more intense pleasant feelings. The Nucleus accumbens, or “reward anticipation center,” also reaches its maximum size in adolescence, and then decreases in size.
Functional Problems of the Teenage Brain
The main problem is the low level of self-control. It's not that teens don't understand the dangerous consequences of risky behavior; they just don't feel enough fear to stop. An increased focus on the expected reward (remember Nucleus accumbens?) motivates adolescents to take dangerous actions when the potential for future pleasure is high. The result is unprotected sex, dangerous driving, experiments with alcohol, drugs and psychotropic substances.
In the same way, this period is characterized by hypersensitivity to the possibility of high winnings in gambling and dubious financial projects. Therefore, teenagers are easily seduced into participating in various financial pyramids.
Teenagers are virtually immune to threats, and therefore it makes no sense to talk to them about the possible dangers of risky behavior.
Add to this a poor understanding of the long-term consequences of one's behavior and an inability to find safe alternatives. It is not surprising that according to US statistics, the crime rate increases starting at age 13 and, reaching a peak at age 18, then gradually decreases. Russian statistics give a distorted picture, since reports of crimes committed by citizens under the age of 16 simply fall into the “refusal” category.
Particularly dangerous is increased sensitivity to peer influence. According to US statistics, a teenager driving a car with other teenagers is 4 times more likely to have an accident than a teenager driving alone. But for an adult this factor is completely insignificant.
Steinberg conducted the following experiment: teenagers were asked to play racing simulators. Only one person played in each room. Everything was fine until he was informed that other teenagers were watching his game on a hidden camera. And then the most interesting thing happened - the teenager, who thought that his peers were watching him, immediately began to get into accidents. So your perfectly reasonable child can become a complete idiot in the company of his peers.
A tragic paradox arises: in terms of general health, adolescents are in the best shape, but in terms of mortality from accidents and criminal activity, this is the most dangerous period of life. The mortality rate for adolescents is 3 times higher than the mortality rate for children aged 5–13 years.
What will we do to prevent possible problems?
Let us take into account the words of neuroscientist (and mother of three teenagers) Frances Larsen: “We parents must become the frontal lobes of our children’s brains!” And there is no point in citing a lack of free time. If you don't have time for your children, why have them?
Read also: Development of cognitive empathy
First, WEAPONS.
In Russia there is a sufficient number of legally registered firearms, which must be stored in safes. So: the keys, at least two, should be on a common keychain with you, and not lie in a place accessible to the child.
Secondly, ALCOHOL.
In the States they put a lock on the refrigerator containing alcohol. It’s not a sin for us to adopt this.
Thirdly, the CAR.
The keys should also not be lying around anywhere (after all, it is unlikely that your child will break the ignition lock to steal the family vehicle). If he (she) already has a driver's license, we do not allow the child to drive with friends. In the States, this has become a law, and any police officer is simply obliged to stop a car in which several teenagers are traveling. Russian legislation is structured a little differently, but I hope you value the safety of your children?
By the way, if you don’t have weapons, cars, or even alcohol at home, don’t rush to rejoice - your child’s friends may have all this.
Let’s not forget about SEX, which guys will definitely be drawn to at this age. Don't wait for your teenager to have a bad experience on the side. Sit down next to me and tell me everything in the smallest detail. It’s not a sin to watch some erotica together, giving qualified comments.
And, of course, the presence of adults at risky events such as collective trips to the mountains and bodies of water is mandatory. Don’t be lazy to accompany your children, and you will be happy. More precisely, every chance to avoid misfortune.
Of course, it is impossible to give general recommendations for solving all teenage problems at once. Helping teenagers should be a joint effort between parents, psychologists and social services.
As one criminological psychiatrist once said, “Adolescent criminal behavior is more often a matter of risky experimentation rather than a deep-seated moral deficiency.” In other words, most teenagers can be re-educated simply by finding the right approach to them.
Sergey Bogolepov
Photo thinkstockphotos.com
Problem No. 7 – relationships with parents
During adolescence, all family members suffer. Children who previously accepted information from their parents as truth now begin to doubt the correctness of their mentors. For this reason, misunderstandings arise, and as a result, eternal scandals and grievances against each other.
Why is this happening:
changes in relationships with parents are caused by the fact that the child is changing, becoming older, and he needs a new level of communication with mom and dad.
Note! A teenager needs to be given more personal space than a child.
How to proceed:
There is no need to approach a teenager with lectures, and you cannot simply interfere in his life. It is necessary to try to understand him and, if possible, share his hobbies with him.
Adults must learn to ask their offspring the right questions and give discreet advice that will not be perceived as hostile. For example, if a teenager does not dress according to the rules established in the educational institution, parents should not force him to change his outfit. Their task is to praise his new look and ask him to dress appropriately for school.
My recommendations
The most resilient children, those who can confront such basic problems of adolescence and quickly find solutions to them, are raised in families with an authoritative parenting style. A child who has been accustomed since childhood to being listened to, that any situation can be calmly discussed, and a problem can be tried to be solved together, most likely will not try to prove his importance to adults: he already knows that he is respected. Therefore, it is important to maintain a connection and friendly relationship with your child even before puberty.
Of course, it’s impossible to avoid conflicts with a teenager completely, but it’s better to solve them constructively: discuss them, look for ways out together, sometimes make concessions and listen to the teenager’s opinion. The more parents and teachers put pressure and try to “put in place” a growing person, the stronger his protests and the more sophisticated his attempts to prove his worth. At the same time, letting his behavior take its course is also not an option; it is important to maintain healthy communication without reproaches and humiliation, in a friendly environment.
