How to support someone after the loss of a loved one

I was prompted to write this article by an appeal from one woman:

“A friend of mine recently lost a loved one, I want to support her, but I don’t know how...”

My first thought was sharp, that if you don’t know how, then it’s better than trying to do it ineptly. I have observed more than once how some types of “support” simply finished people off, only made them more painful, and inflicted a deep wound on the body of the soul. I will write more about this below.

Well, there is also a moment when, under the auspices of support and help in a difficult situation, other people provide help in order to show their importance, show that they are caring, prove that they are not as bad as others think, etc. d. So to speak, exalt yourself and show your nobility. That is, you need to answer the questions: “Why do you need this? What motivates you?

I. N. Kramskoy, “Inconsolable Grief”, 1884 Source: artchive.ru

How to support someone after the loss of a loved one

2021-04-06

The content of the article:

Why support is important How to support How to reassure a person What not to do What to say to a person who has lost a loved one How to choose words What not to say Summary

When a person passes into another world, it becomes a huge tragedy for loved ones. At this moment, their environment can really help them .

Is there any possibility of consolation? What should it be - reading the Bible, participating in the Sacraments?

Only those who have experienced a similar tragedy and found consolation in something, for example, in reading the Bible or in the Sacraments, have the moral right to give advice to people who have lost what is most precious to them. I don’t have such experience, so I can’t say anything. Here, in my opinion, it’s not so much words that are needed, but personal participation; it’s not so much about talking as it is about listening, absorbing what you hear, and simply being close to the person. So that he can cry on your shoulder and know that you won’t say all sorts of clever things, but just cry with him.

And to advise something like this from a distance, from the outside, in my opinion, is a very dubious activity.

Why support is important

Firstly, the sad news of death always pulls the rug from under your feet. A person, being in severe grief, loses his sense of reality and experiences a feeling of great loss and abandonment.

Secondly, the situation is extraordinary, and it does not happen every day. Everyone experiences it differently. Some people want to be left alone with their troubles. Some people cannot be left alone for a minute.

How to support a person during the death of a close relative, how to behave correctly, what to say? After all, relatives, friends, loved ones are also confused, and most of them do not know how to behave.

Therefore, it is important to develop the right strategy, find sincere words that are appropriate for the situation, provide real help and show humanity and delicacy.

Be prepared to listen a lot, be silent a lot and talk a lot

Everyone experiences loss in their own way: some want to speak out, others want to remain silent, and others will ask a lot of questions. Your job is to be there and give the person what they need. You can actively listen: nod, assent, ask clarifying questions. Or silently hug. Or talk about unrelated topics if the person asks for it. You can reflect your emotions: “I feel sad too when you talk about this,” “I understand your anger.”

If you realize that you can’t cope and feel that your loved one needs professional help, suggest contacting a psychologist.

How to support

There are many ways and means to properly express condolences, to reassure, and to help someone who has suffered a bereavement. Let's talk about the main thing.

Word.
This could be meetings and calls. But a person may not want to talk. Correspondence or communication in any messenger will help here. Fortunately, there are enough free means of communication (including video).
Case
. This is not just about organizing funerals, religious services, wakes, etc. You can arrange joint grocery shopping trips, visit a temple, pay for utilities together, help with children, cleaning, laundry, etc.
Money
. People have a good tradition of helping with funds. A person who has suffered a loss will use financial assistance for various purposes. You yourself can allocate some amount or gather with relatives, friends, colleagues of the deceased.

The main thing is sincerity. Then the grieving person will understand that he is not alone, will be able to accept the death of a loved one and want to build his life further.

The most popular words of consolation are: Hold on!, Be strong!

Often, the first words of consolation that come to mind are:

Be strong!
Hold on!
Take heart!
My condolences!
Any help?
Oh, what a horror... Well, hold on.

In most cases, a stalemate arises and we don’t know how to behave further or what to talk about. We understand perfectly well that the situation cannot be changed and no one can return the loss.

Despite severe personal losses, life goes on for others. And in this situation, the most effective will be sincerity regarding the grieving person, which will help in his grief. There is no need to advise him to be strong, or to hold back tears, he needs to be accepted as he is at the present time - weak, unhappy and ugly from his experiences. A person must realize and feel that even in this state he is dear to his loved ones and that he is allowed to grieve and show weakness.

How to calm someone down

Firstly, tune in yourself - this is important. Help should be objective and sensitive. Your needs and those of the grieving person must coincide. Then there will be empathy. Then your condolences will be heard and you will be understood. So…

Listen to the grieving person: do not let him bury his grief deep

Let him cry, become a life-saving “vest” for him. Let him speak out. Yes, listening is difficult. After all, the grieving person wants to say a lot: “Imagine how good he was. And me?!”, “How guilty I am before him!”, “What if it weren’t for...”, “How am I now without her!” etc.

Be patient! By saying all this, people experience grief and, as it were, pour out their suffering. You don’t even have to answer if, for example, you have nothing to say. Just listen carefully, with understanding, without prohibiting anyone from talking about anything!

Don't say words that hurt

How to help with words so as not to harm? It is important to find those words that will embrace the soul with oil, help not to protest against the loss, but to accept it, survive it and move on with life.

But it is very important to “witness” the experience. Agree that, yes, something terrible happened to him. Admit that it’s hard for you to see his pain and suffering: “I see that you are suffering. My heart breaks into pieces from the loss,” “It hurts me to see how you suffer, I want to help with all my heart,” “I understand you, I went through this myself.”

He will calm down, realizing that you see, feel and understand EVERYTHING about him. Hug him, because hugs sometimes console him better than words, touch his arm, shoulder or head.

Don't let him get lost

He can't stay alone for long. Communicate by any means (just listen carefully to see if you are tired or too persistent). Call. Provide “remote” communication (there are different messengers). You can write. But there is nothing more saving than live, sincere communication.

Do not ask direct questions (“Well, how are you there?”, for example), so as not to return the person to the starting point – memories of an irreparable loss. Make do with everyday conversations (“Have you done your homework with your child?”, “What will you cook for breakfast?”, etc.), observe the way of life, etc.

So the grieving person will be distracted, and you will know what he is doing. But do it unobtrusively!

Offer your help: let him know that he is not alone

Yes, now, in an acute moment, he has no time for help or even condolences. Therefore, he will most likely refuse you this. But don't stop your delicate attempts.

When talking about help, don’t ask “how can I help?” And ask specifically - do you need groceries, do you need to stay overnight, maybe go to the kindergarten to pick up your child or take him to school, etc.

It is important to know that there is someone who is ready to be there at any moment, who will respond not only with his soul, but also help. But! Offer only what you can do.

Help you adapt to new living conditions

Seeing and touching what is connected with the deceased is a huge test for a person. And how to support a person when a close relative dies in this situation? You can try to remove away what upsets the grieving person. With his permission, of course.

Initially, you can help with things that the deceased used to do. But gradually shift these responsibilities to the grieving person. If you are not there at some point, he will feel lonely and abandoned.

That is, do everything gradually. Otherwise, all stages of grief will inevitably begin their new grief round.

Be there for significant dates

If you provide this kind of support during the loss of a loved one, then the grieving person will not be lonely on anniversaries and holidays, and there will be no sad emotions and memories. You can devote this day to warm memories of the deceased, go to the cemetery together.

Spiritual help

Yes, many people find comfort in their religion. After all, this is a very powerful resource with support for overcoming grief. This, in essence, is caring for the soul of the deceased, and for the living too. That is, we are talking about prayer.

Tell (or remind) the grieving person about the importance of commemoration - daily and on certain days, about how it helps the soul of the deceased. Invite him to church to light a candle, order a memorial service and pray.

A person, having understood the mystery of life and death within the framework of his faith, will be able to quickly cope with the experience of grief in a situation.

Stages of grief

American psychologist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross identified 5 stages of a person’s experience of a traumatic situation: denial, anger, guilt, depression and acceptance. Each stage has its own characteristic features, it is advisable to know them. Otherwise, a person’s behavior may be unexpected, incomprehensible and even shocking to you.

Denial stage

As soon as a person finds out that trouble has happened, he does not want to believe it for some time. Consciousness refuses to perceive the new reality and tries by all means to isolate itself from it. This stage can last from several minutes to several weeks.

The person continues to behave as if nothing had happened, and from the outside it may seem that he is not himself. What to do in this case?

There is no need to try to forcefully open his eyes. This way you will injure him even more. But it is also impossible to maintain the illusion that nothing happened. Try to avoid discussing sensitive topics and don’t ask him about anything. Just being nearby. At that moment when the brain is no longer able to fight reality, your presence is necessary. Under the influence of difficult emotions, a person can seriously harm himself or others.

Anger stage

This is the most terrible stage both for the person himself and for his loved ones. Strong emotions overwhelm you and literally knock you off your feet. A person may show verbal and physical aggression towards himself and others. It can be very difficult for those who have undertaken to support him.

First, you need to understand that the person is practically in a state of passion and has poor self-control. If insults and reproaches suddenly rain down on you, ignore them. He may scream, cry, bang his head against the wall - don’t be scared. Be nearby and provide tactile contact to the person - this way he can calm down faster.

It's good if you help him find an outlet for his anger. Offer to beat a pillow, beat out a rug, or play sports or active physical labor. But we need to try to protect people from using alcohol and psychotropic substances.

Stage of guilt

At this stage, the person becomes depressed and begins to blame himself for what happened. Even if the situation does not depend on him in any way, he finds reasons for self-flagellation. The reasons may be completely absurd - he did not foresee the disaster, he was in the wrong place.

The person needs to be listened to carefully and, with the help of logical arguments, convinced of the groundlessness of self-accusations. Tell him that you don’t see his guilt, that he’s screwing himself over. Emphasize his positive qualities, praise and encourage him. Even if not immediately, your words will definitely have an effect.

Stage of depression

It is characterized by feelings of depression and apathy. A person may feel a loss of strength, fatigue, and general despondency. The old life is left behind in the past, and there is absolutely no energy to build a new one. At this stage, it is very easy to do a disservice to the person and keep him stuck in depression.

If you see that your loved one does not get out of bed, does not want to go anywhere, and has difficulty performing household chores, you should not rush to do everything for him. This will make him have even less energy. The best you can do is try to get him going. To captivate with something, to interest, to awaken the desire to live. Try to infect him with some of your hobbies, remember what you used to love to do together.

If you succeed, the next stage of healing will come much faster. If depression has dragged on, I advise you to read our article “How to get out of depression.” In it you will find recommendations from professional psychologists.

Acceptance stage

Gradually the person begins to come to his senses. The grass is greener, the sun is brighter, and your favorite food tastes better again. At this stage, a person needs to rebuild his life brick by brick. Support him in word and deed. Tell him often that you believe in him, that he will succeed. Share with him the joy of first successes, encourage him in case of failures.

After serious life upheavals, people become stronger and stronger, new meanings and opportunities open up for them. Remind a person of this more often, and soon he will believe in himself and his strength. It will be easier for him to start a new life and leave the old one behind.

What not to do

Don't distance yourself from empathy. That is, talk about the deceased, but do not give empty advice. Be sincere!
Do not discount the bitterness of loss. Grief is individual, and it is impossible to compare the value of a loss.
Don't force the grieving person to be strong, beautiful and cheerful. Let him remain weak, but knowing that there are people dear to him nearby who are ready to support him in grief.
Don't get too emotional when talking to the grieving person about how you or others are feeling.
Don't build a future with him. After all, he is grieving, and grieving greatly here and now.
Don't be too persistent and intrusive.
Advice and offers of help should sound sincere, but confident.
Be clear about how you can help, rather than making empty promises.

Right to grief

The modern world has become more callous and makes people treat grief as a sign of weakness. Now most people who have not yet experienced the loss of a loved one believe that this situation is not a problem.

In fact, this is a misconception. Every person has the right to grief and a period of time to recover.

Nowadays, most psychologists try to convince suffering people that the death of a loved one can make them stronger, take the first step towards self-improvement.

Some people really begin to convince themselves that they have received some mythical benefit. However, if their faith is not strong enough, their mental state deteriorates sharply.

Helping a loved one means being close to him. You shouldn't stop him from grieving and force him to return to everyday life.

What to say to someone who has lost a loved one

The worst thing is that we don’t always know what to say at such a moment. The first thing that comes out is “strengthen”, “hold on”, “we’ll all be there”, etc. But the person is hurt and offended. He is not waiting for these words. And not our advice.

Do you want to help, support a friend, someone's husband or wife, mother or father, sister or brother? Hear them first

.
Share their pain.
Understand, accept the distress and console. At such moments a person can pour out his soul. And this is very life-saving!

The first days after the tragedy

An erroneous action towards the sufferer is to try to burden him with everyday activities. Many people think that a person will forget about what happened for a while, and then completely calm down.

In reality, everything happens differently. A person, of course, can do household chores, complete assigned tasks, etc.

However, negative thoughts will only sink deeper into your consciousness. They will remind themselves constantly, as a result of which their mental state may worsen.

If you don’t want to be intrusive or you can’t provide enough attention to a person (a neighbor or work colleague), it’s enough to put support into words.

If no thoughts come to mind, you should not say: “Be strong!”, “Hold on,” “Everything will be fine.” In this case, it would be more appropriate to remain silent and simply hug the person.

How to choose words

Yes, there are none as magical as a pill. The pain is there and will be there for a long time. They may not even talk to you. And that's normal now.

Talk, suggest or ask about practical points:

“Let me bring the groceries”;
“Shall we go pick up the baby together?”;
“Give me any instructions, I will do it for you”;
“What foods would you like now?”;
“Would you like to go for a walk?”;
"How did you sleep?";
“I’ll come in now, let’s go (on this or that matter),” etc.

By focusing on other points, he will gain a sense of balance.

You can remember the departed with a word spoken warmly and with all your heart. Or say other words (keeping in mind the intonation and emotional message):

“I’m sorry that this happened, but keep in mind that here I am, here. Contact us at any time!”;

“Let me call you in the evening (morning), because... I'm worried about you";
“Know that you are not alone, I am all of us! - near";
“You know, suffering is not forever!”;
“Death is not a punishment, but a part of everyone’s life,” etc.

That is, words of condolences spoken out of love will become healing at any stage of the experience of loss.

Can't say anything in support? Psychologists advise: hug, silently do something, offer to pray together for the repose of the deceased and let them know that you are already praying and will continue to do so.

Safe words: Don't say that to people who are going through grief.

“I know how you feel,” “I know how you feel.” You have not been in such a situation, you cannot know.
“Everything will pass”, “Time heals”, “Then it will be easier.” Grieving is a non-linear process; when you grieve, everything goes away. Grieving is a spiraling process where it can still be difficult a year or five years later.
“Get ready!”, “Courage!”. Don't tell me to be persistent. A person who needs support does not want to be persistent, he needs the opposite. He wants to find support, share the emotional burden, not “hold on” - but relax and feel better. When you say a phrase like “be strong,” you are conveying “support is denied, decide everything yourself, be strong.”

Don't give unsolicited advice: it will only irritate you. Practical help is very important, but only if it is asked for. Don’t talk about someone else’s grief or similar situations. Don’t lament in the spirit of “What should we do now?” - this increases the pain.

What not to say

The griever experiences several phases after the death of a relative, boyfriend or girlfriend. And in each of them, condolences must be expressed in such a way as not to hurt him. Everything is individual.

But there are phrases that are contraindicated to be uttered at any time after an irreparable loss.

The advice of psychologists is not to say these words under any circumstances:

“He has suffered, and he is better there”;
“It’s easier for you, because you won’t have to worry about courtship”;
“You are strong, you can handle this”;
“Life goes on, we must continue to live”;
“Don’t kill yourself like that”;
“Time heals, you will soon forget everything”;
“We’ll all be there”;
"Get a hold of yourself!"
“Stop crying, someone has it worse than you,” etc.

If a person’s father died, what to say, how to help a friend

If you want to support someone who is coping with the loss of their father, follow these guidelines:

if you are visited by compassion for the grieving person, share your feelings, do not hide them;
if you want to wash away your grief with tears together with the person whose father died, cry. Just remember sincerity, this is a very important factor;
If you are in a business relationship with a person who has suffered grief, or with someone who has left our world, then it is enough to speak warmly, but with restraint. Feel this fine line;
Ask the bereaved person what you can do to help.

Summary

It depends on those who surround the grieving person, on how they express condolences, how they help at this moment, whether he will survive the grief, whether he will cope with it quickly or bury it deeply to carry it inside for the rest of his life.

When you decide to provide support, do everything so that the person hears you, and not just listens. To do this, be sure to actively listen to him yourself, be sincere and empathize. Then, having accepted the grief of the weak and defenseless, you will be able to help him.

Knowing what stage of grief he is at, it will not be difficult for you to support him during the loss of a loved one and console him, recommend the right book or communicate with a person who has experienced the same grief.

Stay in touch more often, talk through any points, confidently offer help, back up your words with action, suggest a movie or song related to the loss. And gradually let him go. He needs to learn to work on himself so that a moment of light, and not bitter sadness, comes.

Introduce the grieving person to our “Diary of Memories” project. Here he will be able to post for free not only his memories or a story about the deceased, but also his photo. And those relatives or friends who visit this page at any time will have a clear idea of how glorious he was.

CREATE A MEMORIES DIARY FOR FREE

Accept the grieving person whole

Sometimes a person may assure you that he will cope with grief on his own because he does not want anyone to see him depressed or crying. Perhaps this is an internal ban on emotions. In such a situation, you can let your loved one know that you will accept him as anyone.

In the book “Accept and survive loss, grief, bereavement: How to learn to enjoy life again,” psychologist Alexander Ryazantsev offers a technique called “approximation.” Sit as close to the person as possible. Do not distract or try to “pull” him out of sadness - let your loved one behave as he wants. This way you will show that you are there for him in any condition.

If you want to bring a friend facing a loss back to full communication, you need to learn to calmly accept their grieving. A person should not be afraid to cry, show his feelings, talk about what happened. If he is not having fun, but sits and is sad, this should not bother you. Show that with sadness you also appreciate, love, respect him and admit that you do not expect sociability or ostentatious cheerfulness from him.