Life after a divorce from her husband: what to do if a girl breaks up with her beloved guy, how to start living on after the breakup?

Parting with a partner is one of the most difficult emotions for the female psyche. Its influence on a person depends on the duration and nature of the development of the relationship, individual characteristics of perception, the circumstances of the experience with the chosen one, the reasons for separation or the complexity of the relationship itself.

This is an experience that not only gives a one-time effect, but can also affect a much longer period of personal life. It is not surprising that many people wonder not so much about how to survive a separation or divorce, but about how to start living again after a separation or divorce.

What does life look like after a breakup with a loved one, a divorce from your husband, what factors negatively affect its quality, and what opportunities does it open for people? Read about this and more below.

The main fears of women after a breakup

A woman's life changes dramatically after a breakup. Of course, it may have its advantages, but these are always internal barriers that prevent you from moving on.

Especially when a man leaves, various negative aspects come to the fore, making life unbearable:

Depression

The phase of depression accompanied by conscious suffering.

Symptoms that a woman has entered a phase of depression are:

a feeling of meaninglessness and uselessness of life;
helplessness;
fear;
complete spiritual loneliness, even if there are close people around;
changeable mood;
feeling of guilt for an unsaved family;
feeling of guilt towards children;
a feeling of emptiness and indifference accompanies the whole day.

I went through a difficult divorce from my husband after 15 years of happy marriage. He left for a younger life partner. Every thing reminded him of him. I was preparing food and didn’t see the point in it, because no one would appreciate it, and I didn’t want to eat. Any problem seemed unsolvable and I simply gave up. The fear of spending your whole life alone and the simultaneous desire not to see anyone around. I constantly delved into myself, blaming myself for letting my figure slide. When I got married, I was a sporty girl, but during my marriage I relaxed and gained a couple of dozen extra pounds. I looked at myself in my youth in black and white photographs and cried. I did not see enlightenment in my future life. Miroslava G.

Psychologists advise the following during the phase of depression accompanied by conscious suffering:

speak out

It is important to know: You can only talk to your family, whom the girl completely trusts. In the case of unfamiliar people, such a conversation can cause gossip, which will also hurt the woman.

establish contact with children,

Please note: children also have a hard time coping with their parents’ divorce. Therefore, it is worth paying attention to them; in addition, familiar and joyful activities will distract you from heavy thoughts and passivity.

to do something that I haven’t had the courage to do for a long time, for example, vocal lessons or strip dancing.

Psychologists strongly discourage delving into the past during this period. It is necessary to eliminate all things from life that remind you of marriage.

Important: you need to convince yourself that both spouses are to blame for the breakdown of the family. Don't blame yourself or your husband. It makes sense not to think in terms of guilt at all and to trust fate, at least at first. “It’s not my fault, it’s not your fault, life is like that.” And only when the worries subside can you take responsibility and reflect on your mistakes.

How much time should you give yourself to live through suffering?

Each representative of the fair sex experiences separation differently.
It only takes a few weeks for one woman to come to her senses . For another, even a year is not enough to start life from scratch.

The main thing is to understand that life after a breakup does not have to be wonderful and easy right away. At some point, you need to begin to realize the opportunities that a breakup can open up.

Even if it doesn't mean getting rid of a toxic or unhappy relationship, you may be able to uncover something in yourself that wasn't there before.

How to let go of grievances and stop suffering?

Parting definitely affects the perception of the world , because the woman additionally compares herself with a specific person - the one who destroyed the relationship. She wonders: what is someone better than her at, what can someone else give that I couldn’t, where a mistake was made, when vigilance was lost.

Although at this moment you mostly want to blame your ex-partner, who turned out to be unfaithful or unworthy, somewhere inside your head a feeling of guilt arises because you failed to make your loved one happy.

The question of how to let go of grievances and get out of suffering can be answered in different ways. It all depends on the situation you find yourself in, but there are a few key tips that should guide you toward getting your life back and not thinking of a breakup as a major setback:

Work on negative emotions .
The first step to “healing” after a breakup is overcoming negative emotions. These feelings include suffering, disappointment, regret, low self-esteem, anger and sadness. It is also a feeling of loneliness and the meaninglessness of life. They are absolutely justified and normal, so you should not deny them, but accept, re- and live and, finally, elevate them so that they do not remain with you forever.
Enjoy the benefits of a free life . At the next stage, the task is to accept the changes and find yourself in a new role. This new role actually brings you back to who you are, to the core of your identity. By discovering and recognizing this, you have the opportunity to notice the positive aspects of loneliness.
Love solitude .
It is also worth starting to appreciate the moments when you are alone - the only full owner of your own life. This is an opportunity to think, plan something, take care of yourself and love your “I”.
If you feel as comfortable in these moments as you do with other people, you will gain complete emotional independence, which will allow you to be more in control of how you feel and why.
Start looking for and taking advantage of opportunities . Once you have managed to dispel the cloud of negative emotions, distance yourself from your previous relationships and fully experience the benefits of being single, then you are ready to begin a new phase of your life. It is important that your disappointment in your old relationship does not become stronger, because love does not always lead to suffering.
Be patient and watch others . Let people give you something that we may not have received before. Discover pleasures that give you positive emotions: get a dog or cat that your partner was allergic to, change your hairstyle to your taste, and not according to the man’s wishes, etc.

Psychological stages of divorce

What emotions does a woman going through a divorce feel? Psychologists say that they are similar to those that people experience from the death of loved ones. But even the most severe pain can be survived.

First stage: protection

At this stage, the abandoned spouse refuses to accept what is happening . Thus, the brain exhibits shock. From the outside it may even seem that she is indifferent to what is happening. Reluctance to accept a divorce can be compared to taking a painkiller. At this stage, a person is preparing to accept separation from his significant other.

Stage two: resentment and anger

This stage is characterized by the suffering that a woman inflicts on herself, remembering all the moments that caused the divorce . A woman asks herself: “How to start living after a divorce?” Reflections on this topic can provoke outbursts of aggression and resentment towards the traitor and the one who is indirectly to blame for the separation.

Stage three: guilt

Painfully going through a divorce, a woman may decide that what happened is only her fault. It is interesting to note that even those women who divorced their husbands after his infidelity experience this stage.

Stage four: depression

This stage is not much easier than the previous ones. At this stage, divorce from a loved one is especially painful. Sometimes it is felt on a physical level. But here depression is a natural state. Depression is expressed differently in each young lady, most often in:

constant tears;
external composure during internal experiences.

Fifth stage: acceptance

At this stage, the divorced woman feels relieved . She understands that divorce is not the end of life. She perceives family life as an important life lesson, thanks to which she can avoid mistakes in the future.

What to do, how to behave next?

This is a case where it may take much longer to overcome the pain and disappointment. You need to put more work and energy into it. The key is to not allow yourself to become dependent on your ex and your feelings for him, but instead take care of yourself and your social life.

Forgiveness is also an integral element - not necessarily expressed in person, but primarily in your head. It should become a stimulus for emotional cleansing.

You should not follow the development of your ex's new relationship . The closure of such an important stage in life as marriage can be very traumatic in terms of consequences that can only be overcome after long and hard work.

Separation from your wife or husband can mean either divorce or temporary separation.

Both of these factors complicate your life not only for emotional, but also for formal reasons, which further emphasizes the drama of the situation.

This involves dividing assets, moving, sometimes selling a home, sharing parental responsibilities, and reconnecting with family and mutual friends.

In such a difficult period, it is worth taking the help of a therapist or psychologist , as well as surrounding yourself with loved ones who are ready to support you. The type of your future relationship with your ex-spouse depends on your will, as well as whether you have children.

If they are not completely violated for various reasons, you should try to keep your distance, but at the same time maintain the principle of mutual respect. Take the opportunity to end the conflict as quickly as possible, which will also give you a chance to return to normal faster.

Shock phase

The time limits of the shock phase can stretch from several minutes to several months. Here's what the girls write about this period:

I realized that my marriage had collapsed when I found my husband in bed with another girl. These were the most terrible moments of my life. I stood and could not move, my heart was beating at a breakneck speed, it was very painful. Anastasia B.

Our feelings grew colder every day. It seemed that marriage existed only because of inertia. I decided that I would stir up my husband by threatening him with divorce. I was very surprised when he immediately agreed to destroy our marriage. Do not believe. The registry office gave 30 days to make a final decision. All this time it was very painful and I couldn’t believe it was all over. We continued to live as if nothing had happened, but a month later our marriage collapsed. After that, for a couple of months I didn’t believe that this had happened, I cried and couldn’t come to terms with it. The outside world did not exist for me. There was just emptiness. Ksenia S.

Judging by anonymous surveys of women whose marriages broke up, the duration of the shock period lasts 10-12 days , for which 72% of respondents voted.

Psychologists recommend that during this period women relieve stress in all available safe ways:

cry;
break dishes;
workout;
perform any other action associated with the release of a large amount of adrenaline.

The main thing you should not do during this period:

take your anger out on children and parents;
take revenge on your ex-husband;
abuse alcohol;
lead an uncontrolled lifestyle.

How to find something to do, a hobby, why is it important?

So you are free. Suddenly, you have a unique opportunity to regain your independence and redefine yourself: to better know your own personality, true needs and expectations and, finally, begin to satisfy them with your own hands, and not with the help of another person.

Remember how often you lost yourself, dissolving in your partner , how painfully quickly the day passed - and you realized that you again did not have enough of that 25th hour for yourself?

Now you have much more time for relationships that you previously neglected, as well as for new acquaintances, hobbies, interesting meetings with friends and like-minded people, career development or travel.

The end of something old is always the beginning of something new. During periods of negative emotional states, it is very important to act - and then depression will have no chance. You will be enriched with new experiences that can help you avoid mistakes and suffering in the future.

Nailed to the pillory

Almost any abandoned woman after 30, and even more so after 40 and 50 years old, feels doomed. And all because our modern society itself condemns her to premature aging and loneliness. After all, from almost everywhere - from the covers of magazines, from TV screens, from billboards - shamelessly victorious youth looks out, which seems to indicate: know your place, old lady! A woman is simply told that after a certain age nothing will happen to her, and she must humbly come to terms with her sad lot and not “stick her head out.” “A woman’s age is forty years,” says a cruel proverb, so the best thing a lonely lady of Balzac’s age can do is to dress up in something simple “a la grandma” and, together with a faithful friend, swallow bitter tears, eating them with a sweet cake . This whole event should be carried out under the motto “our figure disappears, we don’t care anymore.” Is there really no other scenario?

After all, no one would call a man under sixty an old man, but it would be easy to call a woman over fifty an old woman. Where did this age discrimination come from? After all, women are healthier and live longer than men! But it's not just about age. It is not for nothing that a divorced man is called “free” and “groom,” and a woman after a divorce is called “divorcee” and “abandoned.” So why is it that those who just yesterday were known as the first beauties, flirted recklessly with colleagues and made eyes at their boss, today, after a divorce, turned gray, instantly aged and looked ugly? Let's try to find out the origins of these metamorphoses.

Is it always worth starting a new relationship?

If a bad experience has become too painful for you due to a very close attachment to your partner, you definitely shouldn’t go “all out” and “knock it out.” But it will be useful to draw the right conclusions so that the breakup becomes a motivation to take stock of your current relationship and life at the moment.

Ask yourself questions:

Did you feel satisfied and happy?
Have you achieved everything you dreamed of?
Has your happiness depended on another person?

Over time, when you can thoroughly analyze the situation, do not miss the chance for new meetings. Perhaps the new person in your life has also experienced disappointment in the past, and now wants to try to start a new life with someone who will allow him to see the world in a completely different way.

Although initially it will not be easy for you to convince yourself of the next relationship, do not close yourself off from the world, give your heart the opportunity to feel ready for new discoveries . This will help you realize that the suffering caused by previous relationships has already been overcome.

The main thing is to approach your relationship consciously, keeping in mind what you were thinking after your last breakup. To be able to successfully enter into a new union, you need to understand what you were missing in your previous relationship.

This is not a cross, but a plus!

Yes, divorce is a painful process. And you can’t wake up happy the next day and pretend that nothing happened. But where did such doom come from? Why does a woman, like a wounded standard-bearer who is holding on to the regimental banner with all her strength, also frantically grabs the cross that she put on herself? After all, if you don’t get out of this quagmire, then you can get stuck in it. As you know, among desperate women who have lost all hope, their psychological age is fifteen to twenty years ahead of their biological age. And this is no good anymore!

Divorce is not the end of life. According to statistics, one out of six divorced women remarries. Not very comforting numbers? Don't worry, this is not all the information. You may be reassured by the fact that out of four divorced men, one will also soon remarry (and, given that the number of divorces in big cities is only growing, the influx of potential suitors is quite significant). Are you still skeptical? Stop. Let's think, where are the three single brothers of this happy newlywed? They are also in search! Isn't this a reason for optimism? Therefore, we put on our war paint, put on a fashionable dress - and go hunting! True, the same statistics warn that the stronger half is very wary of marrying again - they are afraid of making a mistake again. This means you have to be more cunning - you can’t take such a “beast” with your bare hands. But experience works for us!

Main mistakes

The main mistakes of women going through a breakup:

New relationships too fast. There is no need to force yourself into a new romantic relationship that may fail in a short period of time. It is more advisable to find a place where you will feel good: among friends, family and acquaintances. Show yourself to others not as half, but as a whole person who also feels complete without a relationship.
Revenge for an insult. If the breakup was due to the fault of a man, many women are influenced by negative emotions and go to extremes. Be above your pride, because by realizing the desire to “annoy” your ex, you will only deserve disdain in return.
Continued communication with the man. This gives extremely unnecessary emotions. It is much better to keep conversations to a minimum, and if possible, limit them altogether.
Closure “in grief” and four walls. This is pure masochism. Neither friends nor relatives are to blame for what happened.