Stages of divorce: main characteristics of each stage

Unfortunately, more and more married couples are going through divorce. This does not happen spontaneously or overnight. Typically, the divorce process is preceded by many conflicts, problems, quarrels and reconciliations. The process itself also does not go quickly; divorce has several stages, from the emergence of a conflict to the receipt of a divorce document.

Common reasons for divorce

Whatever one may say, the main reasons why hundreds of families break up every year are banal. Among them:

• domestic conflicts;
• financial problems;
• cooling of feelings;
• sexual dissatisfaction;
• youth and inexperience of partners;
• betrayal;
• alcoholism, drug addiction;
• childlessness.

Any reason entails a conflict, which, if not resolved, turns into protracted misunderstanding and inability to find a compromise. Numerous quarrels and scandals devastate both partners, and it happens that, it seems, the conflict has already been resolved, but there is no longer a desire to be together.

Stages of divorce

As already mentioned, it does not happen that one of the partners says “I’m leaving” out of nowhere. Divorce can drag on for a very long time, depending on the circumstances. And, despite the fact that the reasons for the breakup of a family may be different, the process of divorce goes through the same scenario in every couple. Main stages of divorce:

1. Shock and denial. Each person experiences information about an upcoming divorce differently. Some people have already been mentally prepared for a long time and are not worried about it. Some people are shocked. After all, until the last moment a person believes that it is possible to correct the situation, return to normal relationships, and get used to each other. And that’s why the phrase “I want to get a divorce” sounds like thunder from a clear day. This period lasts on average ten days.
2. Depression. Two or three months after the news of a divorce, a person suffers. He worries for a long time and a lot, analyzes situations, returns to the past, thinking about what he would have done earlier. The main feelings experienced at this stage: pain, resentment, guilt, loneliness, fear, meaninglessness, helplessness. It feels like this is a dead end, and it’s unknown how to live further, emotions at this time are preventing you from behaving correctly. Often rash acts are committed, offensive words and threats are uttered.
3. Calm. After time passes, the feelings dull a little, and a period comes when the ability to think soberly appears. At this time, attempts are made to reconcile, save the marriage, promises are made. As a rule, manipulative actions are used through mutual friends and relatives. A woman can blackmail with children or invent pregnancy.
4. Second stage of depression. After the attempt at reconciliation fails, a second, deeper stage of depression begins. This time, a person can withdraw into himself, or, conversely, seek solace on the side, making new sexual contacts. A man going through a divorce often starts drinking.
5. Acceptance of the situation and divorce. After all the steps to save the family have been taken, all negative emotions have been experienced, awareness of the situation begins. A person understands that divorce cannot be avoided, and it does not matter who is to blame. I act differently: some people have the wisdom to separate peacefully and maintain normal relationships, while others divorce scandalously, involving all relatives, revealing unpleasant moments, sharing dishes.
6. Adaptation. The most difficult and lengthy period, which lasts about a year. The pain after a divorce dulls, a new feeling appears - sadness over an unsaved marriage. Now you need to live independently, get rid of your ex-husband or wife, change your lifestyle, habits, and daily routines. At these moments, a lot of work is done on mistakes, and if the divorce was scandalous, there is an opportunity to correct the situation and reconcile, at least for the sake of the children. The family cannot be saved, but children should see the friendly relations of their parents. Things are more complicated for women after divorce. It is difficult for them to change their lives and let new men into it. In addition, there is disappointment in the male sex; you don’t want to create new relationships.

Relationships between spouses during divorce

When, at first glance, a prosperous family suddenly ceases to exist, you want to find the reason for this phenomenon and determine who is to blame.
To determine this, it is enough to take a closer look at how spouses behave at each stage of the divorce process. Their interaction is in a state of weightlessness: quarrels without any reason, complete indifference to other people's problems and emotional uncertainty in communication. Sometimes from the outside it seems that the spouses have long come to terms with this condition, but ostentatious tolerance can at any moment turn into a competition “who will do the most harm?”

In an attempt to save what they have acquired, each of the participants in the divorce seeks to denigrate their partner both in front of lawyers and in front of children, parents and friends . This strategy pays off, but the consequences can be dire.

Mutual agreement is also found in gaps, when an ideal compromise affects all areas of the relationship. This occurs in people with a fundamental sense of responsibility for their future. Not everyone manages to separate on good terms, so family psychologists and competent lawyers always have a lot of work to do.

Property is not worth poisoning each other with hints of insolvency, and it would be better to forget about enmity for the sake of the future of the children.

What you need to know about the divorce process

Divorce is an unpleasant phenomenon. Situations where this process is celebrated occur only in films or jokes. In fact, most often divorce is accompanied by scandals, division of property and children. You can make the divorce process less painful if you know all its subtleties. All that is necessary for both partners to ensure that the divorce is peaceful is to act within the law. What do you need to know about the rules of the divorce process?

• in the absence of common children, the divorce takes place in the registry office;
• if there are common children, then they will divorce in court, and they will give a probationary period for reconciliation;
• after three months, the divorce will be carried out under any conditions;
• if parents cannot come to a mutual opinion about the residence and upbringing of minor children, then this is regulated by the court;
• The division of jointly acquired property is handled by the court.

With my wife

You shouldn’t think that men go through divorce easily and painlessly. Even if they made such a decision, they are often tormented by remorse. And if this happened on the initiative of the wife, it is difficult to imagine the whole range of negative emotions that they experience.

What advice do psychologists give to representatives of the stronger half of humanity in order to survive what happened with dignity and as quickly as possible?

Rationalism

Use your specific, logical thinking. Realize the fact that divorce is the only and perhaps the best course of events. Think about the benefits that freedom and being a bachelor will bring you. And calm down.

Visualization

Your main channel of perception of the outside world is visual. This means that in order to reduce worries, it is enough to simply not see your ex-wife. At the very least, try to limit communication to a minimum.

Status

It’s not appropriate for a man to cry, complain, and even more so to humiliate himself, knocking on his ex’s doorsteps and crawling on his knees in front of her, begging her to come back. If you had to divorce your beloved wife and want to fix everything, at least behave with dignity. There is a chance - start caring beautifully again, like many years ago. No - pull yourself together and start a new life.

Emotions

In public, try to keep everything to yourself. But negative energy and emotions need to be thrown out. Make sure that gambling, alcohol and numerous relationships with other women do not become a way to relax. Subsequently, all this will only prolong the problem period. It's better to join a gym, take up extreme sports, or focus on your career.

Information for those who believe that men cope more easily with separation from their wives. According to statistics, after a divorce they are much more likely to become drunkards and sink to the social bottom. They also often resort to suicide as a way to solve this problem. Therefore, they also need support from family and friends, and sometimes professional psychological help.

In the United Arab Emirates. In the pearl of the Persian Gulf, a husband only needs to say the word “talaq” (translated as “divorce”) three times to begin the divorce process.

How to survive a divorce

Despite the breakdown of the family, there is no need to give up on yourself. There is a whole life ahead that you need to live happily. There are also chances to find a soul mate and be happy in marriage again. The main thing is to come to terms with the divorce and quickly put your feelings in order. Advice from family psychologists will help with this:

• You need to communicate with your ex-husband only when necessary, you should not seek communication with him, reopen old wounds, and especially try to get him back;
• you need to change the situation - make repairs, sell an apartment and buy a new one, quit your job or move to another city, it doesn’t matter, the main thing is to immerse yourself in pleasant chores;
• there is no need to drown depression in alcohol and noisy parties, this will help you forget only for a while;
• you need to pay attention to your appearance - change your hairstyle, get a manicure, update your wardrobe;
• there is no need to rush to start an affair, since intuitively you will compare your new admirer with your ex-husband;
• to restore mental strength, you need to sleep and rest more;
• say no to alcohol, otherwise there is a risk of drinking yourself to death, drowning your melancholy with alcohol;
• you need not to blame yourself, but to learn that all changes are for the better.

How does a woman feel after a divorce?

How to survive a divorce from your husband?
A person who has suffered a great loss always experiences mental anguish. At this moment, a storm of emotions overcomes you, because the usual way of life is disrupted, the fear of being alone begins, a feeling of guilt arises, and there is also a desire to return everything back. In other words, I want a normal life.

On the eve of a divorce, a woman experiences many fears - how to survive the divorce, how to raise children, what to live on and how to explain all this to others? In today's society, there is such a tendency that more than half of marriages fall apart and at the same time, men are more often pitied than women.

If a man becomes an eligible bachelor, then the woman is considered abandoned. And this is what makes a woman ashamed of this situation and afraid that they will be judged. When a woman gets married early, she is usually not able to make serious decisions and provide for herself independently and generally live independently, because before her husband did all this.

Often, when a woman was married to a wealthy man, she is afraid of becoming poor after a divorce. And even if she has succeeded in her career, she still has the usual responsibilities - paying bills, buying groceries, repairing equipment, and so on.

After a long life together, many people have the feeling that their family has become one, and in such cases, separation is especially difficult, because if you divide one whole, it always turns out bad. Here you can’t do without the help of psychologists, because you have to rebuild all your ideas about life and tear psychologically close people away from you.

Divorce is a sad event, but it is not the end of life. It continues. It is worth treating it as a serious illness that can be cured. Yes, you will have to try long and hard, but in the end recovery will come.

Common mistakes of divorced women

Unfortunately, many women do not allow reason to prevail over emotions, and therefore typical mistakes are made:

• constant whining and complaints about loneliness - not a single friend can stand this, and sooner or later everyone will begin to avoid you;
• sex as an attempt to forget your ex-husband - this will only help for a while, the next day the depression will become more pronounced and deep;
• surveillance and control of your ex-husband - no need to follow him on social networks, learn about his life from mutual friends and relatives;
• an affair with an ex-husband - no matter how much time passes after the divorce, there is no need to hope that people change;
• manipulation and blackmail by a child - for children, even after a divorce, there remains a mother and father with whom they must communicate and feel their care;
• refusal of help - no need to refuse alimony and other assistance to children, no need to prove your independence.

Very often, women complain that ex-husbands do not help their children, do not want meetings and simply ignore them. In most cases, it all depends on the woman. She is the one who can ensure that a man remains a good father for children even after a divorce. The whole secret is goodwill and a positive attitude. And, children, in turn, should see that after the divorce their lives have not changed at all.

Remarriage

The negative experience of divorce certainly influences the decision to enter into a new marriage. For yourself, you need to figure out what contributed to, served as the basis for the previous divorce, try to identify mistakes, understand what qualities, behavior prevented mutual understanding and for what reason they find themselves in similar situations with similar people of a certain type. You should analyze your behavior, the possible influence of your parents and environment, and take into account all your weaknesses for the future.

Sometimes the reason for divorce is cooling in the relationship after some time, or different views on the process of raising children, alcohol or other addiction of a partner, violence, infidelity, often this is too short a period of acquaintance before marriage. You should analyze all aspects, see your mistakes, and consider how to behave constructively in such situations. Sometimes such a simple method can prevent you from rashly choosing a similar partner with similar problems.

At the same time, women, to a greater extent than men, believe in the ability of the new chosen one to replace their child’s natural father. It is important that the motive for entering into a new marriage is not only the need to have a full family, but also common views and principles of life.

It happens that former spouses again want to restore the relationship and live together. Then they have a lot of work to do to understand what unites them (children, common business). You should also analyze past relationships, causes of conflicts, misunderstandings in order to prevent repetition of the same mistakes, habitual behavior, and reactions.

Two types

When it comes to remarriage, the most common types are:

1. When a middle-aged, sometimes elderly, divorced man chooses as his companion a young, beautiful, free girl, not burdened with children, full of energy and strength. Such relationships initially bring a lot of positive emotions, but most often they are formed on the need of a man to take care of a young girl as if he were his child, receiving in return fresh emotions, a surge of new strength and inspiration. The girl, in turn, finds protection, guardianship, patronage, and care in her husband. If both parties are happy with this, then the marriage has good prospects. In cases where a young spouse changes over time, becomes socially mature, independent, and sometimes wealthy, she can leave her usual role in the relationship. He begins to try to distance himself from the excessive care of his spouse, increasingly indicating his boundaries, showing his independence, and sometimes trying to seize the leading role in the family. Problems can also be of a financial nature, when the spouse’s income level changes, he can no longer provide the chosen one’s standard of living. The age difference manifests itself in the fact that the elderly spouse is not always able to maintain the standard of living of the young active partner due to health conditions.
2. Marriage with a woman who already has experience in family life and children from her first marriage. Although in most cases both partners have experience of starting a family and divorce, usually in such cases the age difference is small and there are children on both sides. At the same time, both partners are not satisfied with the previous relationship and enter into a new marriage with great enthusiasm in the hope that they will be able to avoid all the mistakes. Everyone wants to hope that in this union, married life will be much better, the relationship will be more harmonious, and they will certainly not make the same mistakes. As a rule, they already have a lot of experience, become wiser, have their own formed habits, an understanding of what they want from life, family and partner.

As for children, having them from a previous marriage often significantly complicates the process of getting used to a new relationship. Both adults and children need a lot of time to adjust, adapt, accept a new position, and get to know each other. To facilitate this important process, new parents (stepfather or stepmother) should try to take a position in the life of their children that will differ from the position of the natural father or mother for the better. We must understand that they will also be compared with their biological parents. Competition is hardly possible here; there is a high probability of losing against their background, of failing.

Communication with ex-husband

It’s one thing when, after a divorce, all the connecting threads are severed, and there is nothing left in common between the former spouses. In this case, you can move to another city, quit your job, if you are colleagues, simply delete all contacts and not communicate. But what to do when you have common children or a business? In this case, no matter how you look at it, you will have to communicate throughout your entire adult life. How to build the right relationship with your ex-spouse? Psychologists give the following advice:

1. The relationship should be like a business one. After all, ex-spouses are connected only by business: teaching and raising children, work or business. You just need to try to abstract yourself from all the emotions that were in the past. Unfortunately, life doesn’t always work out this way, and conflicts after divorce are far from uncommon.
2. It is necessary to formalize alimony. This will save you from all conflicts in the future, and in case of refusal to help the child, there is a law against the ex-husband.
3. As already mentioned, children should communicate with their father, regardless of the nature of your relationship with him.
4. Sooner or later, both spouses will create new families. There is no need to make excuses for your new relationship, but you shouldn’t interfere in others either. Everyone has the right to happiness.
5. Don't forget about relatives. After all, grandparents also worry about the breakdown of the family, and they love their grandchildren no less. Therefore, there is no need to limit their communication.
6. If you have a common business, you need to either learn to move on with business, putting aside all past grievances, or separate.

As you can see, divorce is not a matter of one day, but a whole life stage with preceding and subsequent events. Whether you like it or not, divorce leaves a certain imprint on each of the former spouses. And only you can decide how to build your life in the future. But there is no doubt that every person has the right to a happy life!

Stage two. Resentment and anger

They appear when a person finally understands what happened. And then aggression naturally arises towards the spouse, and sometimes towards everyone around. Usually it is at this stage that a stormy showdown of relationships, an ugly division of property, and manipulations related to children begin.

All this is an important stage of experience. The fact is that any feelings that you experience for your ex-husband, even if it is hatred or a desire for revenge, bind you together, so a high degree of clarification of the relationship indicates that you are still close and it is difficult for you to let each other go. But you need to go through this stage so that later you won’t be ashamed of your actions.

To do this, try to find a way out for aggression. Sports have a very good effect. Any exercise will do, as long as it causes fatigue, then you simply won’t have enough strength for negative emotions.

To throw out aggression, you can hit a punching bag or simply beat a pillow, break a plate, or scream. Just do this alone so as not to scare others, especially children.

You also need to realize that resentment is a child’s reaction aimed at getting what you want, for example, getting your husband back, that is, a kind of manipulation. Then it becomes clear that it is useless to be offended: during a divorce, the course is set on separation, and not on preserving the relationship.

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Letters will help you get rid of grievances faster. Describe all your complaints against your ex, and then write an answer to yourself on his behalf. It’s better to write a lot of such letters, but you don’t need to show them to anyone. It’s better to just burn the paper you’ve written on, imagining that everything bad turns into ashes.

Another way to say goodbye to resentment is to turn on your imagination. Imagine that your entire inner world is an ocean, and your feelings are its inhabitants: dolphins, beautiful fish, corals. And a huge monster settled among them - resentment, anger and aggression. Now think about why this monster lives in the ocean. Maybe it protects its inhabitants? Or is he a nurse of the deep sea and without him the ocean will die? Feel gratitude, compassion and love for this monster. After all, this is your creation and an important part of your inner world. Try to imagine what makes him happy. Maybe he dives into the darkest abysses and knows what secrets they hide? Or maybe it occasionally comes onto land to breathe in the fresh wind and even fly into the clouds?

As soon as a person begins to love his negative feelings, self-love awakens in him, which is so necessary for any suffering creature.

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