- Several theoretical provisions about reducing emotionality
- How to become less emotional (emotional)
Emotionality in itself can hardly be called a bad trait - rather, quite the contrary. But often we cannot or do not want to show our emotions to others, and sometimes they bother us and we would like to turn them off. Is it possible? Is it possible to become less emotional (emotional) and/or less reactive to different situations?
Several theoretical provisions about reducing emotionality
Some people are very emotional by nature - it's part of their personality, temperament
.
As with other similar traits, emotionality cannot simply be removed. But if it bothers you, you can work on it
, although this will certainly require a lot of effort and time, and possibly the participation of a specialist: a psychologist or psychotherapist. However, in general, it is possible to cope with excessive emotionality, and below we will give some tips.
Many of us have been taught from childhood not to show true emotions.
, for example, because it is “indecent”, “good boys/girls don’t cry”, “tears don’t suit you”, “don’t you dare be offended by me”, etc. Those who make such maxims usually do not know how to cope with their own emotions - and, consequently, with others. As a rule, such people do not know how to console, recognize the right of a child or another person to be angry/resentful/fatigue, etc., and do not know how to talk about their feelings. And if a person does not know how to deal with something, it is easier for him to prohibit it - both for himself and for those close to him (primarily children, who are in a “subordinate” position to them).
Two problems arise from this approach:
- even in adulthood, many do not know how to work with their own emotions
; - we grow up with the conviction that all feelings and their external manifestations must be hidden
.
Often the desire to become less emotional is due precisely to the fact that a person thinks that his reactions are too vivid, that it is indecent
, etc. Although in fact such an opinion may not correspond to reality and a person should not remove emotionality as such. But even if emotions are strong, it is better to allow yourself to express them, talk about them, etc., but do it environmentally - that is, do not dump on your interlocutor something that you may later regret, that can hurt, offend, etc.
Also, the desire to become less emotional/emotional may be associated with low self-esteem
. Fear of standing out and/or doing something wrong, feelings of unworthiness, and other reasons can lead people to hide their feelings from others and reduce their emotionality. Here it is important to deal with the cause, not the effect, and if this issue is relevant to you, read our article on how to increase self-esteem.
Sometimes too strong emotional reactions that you don’t like and that you can’t control (especially if they weren’t typical for you before) are a sign that it’s better to turn to specialists. They will determine the exact problem (if there is one at all) and in what area it lies. For example, sometimes excessive emotionality is associated with improper functioning of the thyroid gland or a deficiency of certain elements.
What are emotions and where do they come from?
To understand how to learn to manage emotions, you need to realize one important thing about them:
The emotions you experience are created by you. Therefore, you are responsible for your emotions.
Yes exactly. If you messed up in a fit of aggression or couldn’t control your panic and failed the exam, it’s because of the emotions you created. Therefore, keeping emotions under control is everyone’s personal responsibility.
I learned about this from a TED talk by Lisa Feldman Barrett, a psychology professor at Northeastern University in Boston. What are emotions?
Emotions are a type of assumption your brain makes based on previous experiences. This is exactly how the brain works - it sees part of the information and fills in the missing details. This way, you can more quickly ingest data and decide what to do with it. For example:
- you don’t need to finish reading the phrase “Measure seven times, one ...” to understand what the word should be there;
- you can smell the familiar smell of your favorite cookies and literally feel what it tastes like, even your stomach will growl;
- When you see a dog's tail sticking out from around the corner, you will immediately understand that there is a dog there.
It's the same with emotions. When a violent troublemaker spots a police car, his pulse quickens and he becomes anxious. This assumption of the brain is based on its previous experience. Therefore, law-abiding citizens, when they see the police, can, on the contrary, experience a feeling of calm and security.
Uncontrolled emotions can prevent you from pulling yourself together or making the right decision at the most crucial moment. In some cases, it can even negatively affect your health. But the beauty is that you can control your emotions! And below we will look at exactly how you can control your emotions.
Let go of attachment by focusing on gentle, deep breathing
Whenever you depend on someone or something, your mind becomes deeply attached to it. In this case, you need to practice detachment while staying in the present moment.
The best way to let go of something is to let go of all your thoughts at once, to rid your mind of the need to control or cling to anything. You can do this by focusing on your breathing.
“Accept yourself with every breath. Let go of the whole world with every exhalation.”
Find a quiet place. Start focusing on your breathing, gradually slowing it down. Of course, you will still be distracted by thoughts, feelings, sights, smells and sounds. If this happens, gently acknowledge it and return your focus to just your breath and body.
Whenever you feel caught up in the chaos of life, take a moment to return to slowing your breathing. This creates a calm space that can free your mind.
It also allows you to relax a little, despite how crazy the rest of the world can be.
Write down or speak your thoughts and feelings
Pushing away feelings and thoughts creates emptiness. A great way to replenish it is to write down everything we think and feel on paper or on a tape recorder.
You want people to listen, understand and support you. Largely because you yourself refuse to do this for yourself.
Let's face it, you feel helpless when you can't express yourself. Describing needs, desires, disappointments, resentment, fear, sadness, shame, despair, stress is a great way to give yourself strength.
It is important to allow yourself to be frank and express your fears and doubts.
After this you will experience a feeling of emotional release. This method requires practice, but if you use it regularly, the results will not be long in coming.
“Never judge yourself harshly for what you think or feel.”
How to get rid of emotional dependence on a person? Even if your emotions seem overwhelmingly extreme, describe them.
When you learn to fully accept your emotions, you will realize that there is nothing more beautiful, innocent or amazing than your own heart.
In addition to expressing feelings, it is good to write down your thoughts and bring them to a conscious level. When you ignore them, they are more likely to subconsciously control you.
Acknowledge your emotions
Admitting your vulnerability is a way to connect with your inner child. The best way to express this part of yourself is to speak like a child, for example: “I’m very sad / hurt / scared / lonely right now.”
Once you feel that you have sincerely expressed your feelings, you need to take the position of the inner parent. The first thing to note is how charmingly innocent, vulnerable and flawless your inner child is.
You can then gently reassure your inner child that it is okay to be sad, afraid, and angry.
At this stage, you are a wise adult who is determined to take care of your adorable child.
Even if you don't know what to do, you can gently say, “ We'll figure it out .” Or make this promise:
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“I know it’s difficult for you now. I know you feel lost and helpless. I don’t know how long it will take, but I’m here to do whatever it takes to help you.”
So we have a process for accepting thoughts and emotions. First, allow yourself to express them with genuine vulnerability. Second, respond to yourself with compassionate acceptance and understanding. Finally, express a loving desire to help.
Just remember, don't censor your thoughts and feelings . Every thought in your mind requires sincere and humane recognition. Allow yourself to fully express them from your heart.
Look for humor in any situation
Humor is a healthy defense mechanism for our psyche, so you should learn to use it in stressful situations. This doesn't mean you should take things lightly. But irony will help you take control of your complex emotions and release them.
The ability to laugh at a situation is useful not only at the moment when it happened. Even if it’s difficult for you to overcome negative emotions right now, if after a while you tell your friends about your failure with humor, it will not leave a serious mark on your psyche.
Identify where you are being cruel to yourself
A good way to bring self-harm to a conscious level is to keep a list of your thoughts, feelings and activities that bring you down.
Analyze whether each of these reactions is fair? Would you do the same to someone you love? Can you replace this reaction with another?
“I'm not a pessimist. I’m a cold, tired, hungry optimist.”
To make friends with yourself, you need to listen to your inner world. Including its negative manifestations.
Be alone
We have an innate need to connect. This is absolutely normal.
The essence of loneliness is not to isolate yourself from the world, to imagine that you can be completely independent and officially declare your independence to the rest of humanity.
“Loving yourself is incredibly difficult. But it's worth it".
It is important to learn to take care of yourself, to understand that your needs are very important and they will not go away if you neglect or ignore them.
The dependence of your emotional state on anything is always the result of the fact that you suppress your needs.
Here are some ways to take care of yourself emotionally:
- Recognize your needs and prioritize;
- Make plans to meet your needs;
- Enjoying solitude;
- Find or create a support group where you can express your feelings;
- Consciously return to the present moment several times a day;
- Exercise regularly to make your body feel better;
- Immerse yourself in something positive.
- And finally, never forget that wherever there is life, there is hope.
Recommended reading → 78 of the wisest and most profound quotes of all time
Loneliness is your best opportunity to explore your condition. Imagine that you decide to spend several months completely alone. Ask yourself, “How can I make this time peaceful, relaxing, healing, constructive, and worthwhile?”
You're sure to find many amazing ways to have fun and take care of yourself. Perhaps through calming meditation, films, music, books, courses or walks accompanied by your imagination.
Remind yourself of your achievements
Prepare some positive statements about your capabilities. These should be words that remind you that you are persistent and strong. Tell yourself: “I’ve been through difficult times, so I can overcome what’s happening now.” Let your statements about your achievements become a positive mantra. What we tell ourselves in difficult moments directly affects our mood. Challenge negative thoughts and remember that this is not the first test on your journey.
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Take absolute responsibility for your happiness
No matter how good a person makes you feel, it is a great idea to develop emotional independence. And do not shift responsibility for yourself to others.
It requires introspection, training and practice. But eventually, you will be able to take care of yourself even in situations where you are currently dependent on others.
For example, if you feel sad, lonely, hopeless, or stressed, you can work through those feelings instead of taking them out on your loved ones.
By acting this way, you will stop blaming the world around you for your troubles, take responsibility for everything that happens to you and begin to change your life for the better.
“My job is to take care of me.”
