- November 3, 2018
- Psychology of communication
- Anatoly Ivanov
In this article we'll look at why people don't make eye contact. There are several explanations for the origin of this phenomenon. A number of experts say that people who avoid direct eye contact are simply afraid of being caught in a lie. Other scientists believe it's a matter of fear that staring too closely will be seen as threatening or intrusive.
So what does the interlocutor’s reluctance to make eye contact during a conversation actually mean?
What should you focus on?
So, let's figure out why people don't make eye contact. If you constantly have to deal with such a feature of a person, an uncomfortable feeling appears during communication. It is not easy to have a conversation even on abstract topics. They look into such a person’s face, but he deliberately looks away. When addressing him, he looks at another part of the face (lips, chin) or, generally, to the side. If he happens to look straight into your eyes for a moment, he will immediately look away or even move away a little after such a moment, as if from an electric shock.
This feature, however, can have completely different explanations. To better understand the origin of the phenomenon when some people cannot look people in the eye, you need to pay attention to the following points:
- does a person look away when communicating with other people, or does this only apply to you;
- is this feature due to the topic of the conversation (work, personal life, gossip, etc.);
- what can make him look straight into his eyes for a while (anger, distrust, fear, laughter, surprise);
- does such a habit depend on his gender (for example, a person communicates normally with representatives of his own sex, but averts his eyes with those of the opposite sex and vice versa);
- Is such a person generally characterized by reticence, or is he quite sociable?
How to increase self-confidence
In order to look your interlocutor in the eyes, it is still extremely important to be truly confident in yourself. Insecure people, when communicating, immediately reveal that they are nervous and feel out of place. This is expressed not only by the averted gaze, but also by other, more obvious signs:
-Ÿ scratching the tip of the nose, ear;
- Listen carefully to your interlocutor, listen to every word, occasionally glancing at the person’s face and eyes. This way, you will show your sincere interest and also gradually overcome your fear.
- At the beginning of a conversation, do not immediately try to make eye contact. To begin with, take a “general” look at your interlocutor, but without making it clear to him where exactly you are looking.
- Control your gestures, do not fiddle with pens, napkins, touch your face, etc.
Possible reasons
Why people don’t make eye contact is interesting to many. There may be the following reasons for this phenomenon:
- The person feels sympathy for you and is very embarrassed by the realization of this fact. He tries with all his might to hide his feelings or wants to show them, but, in general, has no idea how to do this. He gets hot when you address him, his legs become weak, his answers are indistinct and confused, and he is angry with himself for this. The eyes are averted intuitively, because due to a direct gaze, the poor fellow will be completely unsettled.
- You are an extremely unpleasant person. In some cases, such strong hostility appears without any reason for it. I just don’t like the person at all, everything about him is repulsive. In this case, you can see that avoiding direct gaze is not the only feature of communicating with him. Because he, in principle, tries to avoid communication, ignores the presence of an unwanted interlocutor, never addresses him himself, only responding to an appeal, and then does so reluctantly. Why is a person afraid to look into the eyes?
- The person doesn't trust you. By averting his eyes, the interlocutor seeks to hide his emotions, feelings and thoughts; he does not want anyone to guess about them. In such a case, however, a certain degree of mistrust will be shown towards someone else. Secrecy, as a rule, is not an individual trait: you either don’t have it, or you have it.
- The person feels embarrassed in your presence. This can be observed when, for example, a person is in a new company and has not yet gotten used to it. Or your eccentricity, assertiveness, openness and impulsiveness are so dissonant with his shyness and modesty that when you appear, he subconsciously tries to shrink into a ball, avoiding direct gaze.
Many people often complain: “I can’t look my interlocutor in the eyes.” What does this mean according to scientists?
What does psychology say?
The ability to look other people in the eyes is called making eye contact or eye contact. This ability is considered the basis of effective communication, which has been important in human relationships since ancient times. Even in ancient times, people considered the eyes to be the “mirror of the soul,” perceiving visual contact as an indicator of trust. And now the meeting of eyes has extreme power, activating many cognitive processes in our brain.
Fear of making direct eye contact was originally thought to be a sign of self-doubt or weakness. Also often, on a subconscious level, we perceive an attempt to avoid the eyes of our interlocutor as a sign of distrust. A person who does not make eye contact appears suspicious, cold, and in some situations may even give the impression that he is lying.
However, recently, thanks to the latest research, scientists have identified one of the most important reasons for avoiding visual contact. An article was originally published in which it was argued that this phenomenon lies not in psychological, but in cognitive reactions. It has been hypothesized that maintaining eye contact uses the same resources as verbal communication, and at some point it becomes difficult for a person to perform both functions at the same time.
To confirm the theory, scientists conducted an experiment, inviting 26 volunteers. They had to play an association game - choose the appropriate verb for the noun. At the same time, participants in the experiment had to look into the eyes of another person, whose face was shown on a computer monitor. The results showed that people who averted their eyes matched verbs to complex nouns much faster than when they maintained eye contact. A similar study also demonstrated that direct eye-to-eye gaze affects working memory and the ability to retain and use information for a short period of time, imagination and mental control.
Thus, without realizing it, we often break eye contact with the interlocutor in order to better concentrate on what we are saying or thinking.
Research by Japanese scientists
Japanese scientists from Kyoto University conducted a study that showed that when making eye contact, a person is distracted and cannot direct his thoughts to something other than the topic of the conversation. This means that many people avoid making eye contact during dialogue in order to avoid overloading their brain unnecessarily.
Experts also remind that the effect of eye contact on the brain was previously established in another study, when Italian scientists found that sometimes people who were asked to look into someone's eyes for ten minutes began to hallucinate after a while.
What is the normal amount of eye contact?
So, according to the latest research, avoiding the direct gaze of your interlocutor in certain situations is an absolutely normal reaction. After all, too much visual contact often makes you feel uncomfortable. Statistically, the acceptable duration of eye contact is about 3 seconds. If eye to eye gaze lasts for more than 9 seconds, our psychological mechanisms begin to perceive this as a threat or aggression in the case of a stranger, and as involvement in the case of a loved one. The perception of direct gaze as a sign of aggression is explained by our biological basis of perception. After all, initially prolonged eye contact in the animal world indicates a challenge - among two males measuring their gaze, the one who first looks away loses.
This is confirmed by the latest research. It is believed that maintaining direct eye contact is normal if it takes up to 70% of the communication time. According to statistics, during communication, people look into each other's eyes almost 50% of the time, lovers - from 60% to 80%. It’s interesting that managers look directly at their subordinates from 80 to 100% of the time.
Explanation from the perspective of neurolinguistics
Neurolinguists also offer their own version of why a person does not make eye contact. In their opinion, such behavior depends on what kind of thinking he has. Thus, visual learners use visual images, and it is important for them to focus on the eyes in order to “read” missing information. Auditory learners focus on sounds. And therefore, most likely, they will listen to the intonation and timbre of the voice, looking to the side. Kinesthetics, based on tactile sensations and intuition, try to touch a person during communication, shake hands, hug, and look down at the same time.
Trying to concentrate
Psychologists Fiona Phelps and Gwyneth Doherty Sneddon in their work “Gaze-Disgust” tried to determine the dependence of the duration of the gaze on the method of obtaining information and the level of its complexity. They conducted an experiment in which two groups of 8-year-old children were asked easy and difficult questions, with the former receiving information face-to-face and the latter through a video monitor.
It turned out that the more complex the question, the more often the child looked away in an attempt to concentrate and find the answer. It is interesting that a similar situation was observed more often in groups where the dialogue was built face to face.
Is the person lying?
There is such an established stereotype: a person cannot look his interlocutor in the eyes while lying. But British psychologists from the University of Portsmouth are convinced that everything is happening quite the opposite. When a person tells a lie, he wants to make sure that it is really accepted by the interlocutor, and therefore he continuously watches his emotions and looks intently into his eyes.
Just don't take your eyes off...
There is an opinion that only a person with a strong character can withstand someone else’s gaze and not look away. “And there was no person in the Universe who could withstand Solomon’s gaze without lowering his eyes!” writes Alexander Kuprin about the wise King Solomon in the story “Shulamith.”
People on a subconscious level obey someone's inner personal power. We can say that we were convinced, persuaded, out-argued, but in fact we were influenced by the psychological power of another person. And most clearly it manifests itself in his firm gaze. This look is also called magnetic, hypnotic. Its owner can influence and manipulate people.
Some representatives of the animal world, such as tigers, are measured by the power of their gaze. So they find out who has more rights to the best place in the sun. The one who first averted his eyes lost, which means he must give in.
The same thing happens in human society: someone who hides his eyes or looks away in a conflict situation will be considered a weakling, which means he will have no chance of winning. A person with a shifting gaze also makes a pitiful impression. “A slippery guy,” they will say about him and would prefer not to deal with him. A person who does not know how to “keep an eye” is unlikely to be sent to serious business negotiations, because they are negotiating with a strong person. The weak are ordered and conditions are dictated.
But we should not forget about moderation. Staring for a long time can drive some people to neurosis. And being too persistent means suspecting your interlocutor of unseemly intentions. If we suddenly notice that the interlocutor is uncomfortable under our gaze, perhaps he is too heavy, prickly, and unfriendly.
According to psychologists, it is enough to look into the eyes approximately 70% of the time of communication.
In some countries, such as Muslim countries, it is considered indecent for a woman to look into the eyes of a man or an elderly person. This is regarded as a sign of disrespect.
Psychologists' opinions
If a person avoids looking directly into the eyes of his interlocutor, then he has a specific reason for this. Before you look for a solution to such a problem, you need to make sure that you really want it. For example, if a person experiences strong hostility, it may be worthwhile to increase the distance as much as possible to avoid unpleasant situations in the future. In all other cases, you can find a solution to why a person avoids making eye contact
Sometimes it's enough to just wait a little. Once the person gets to know you better and gets used to it, perhaps such awkwardness will disappear on its own. In this case, you need to show tact and patience, give him the opportunity to open up on his own. Usually, openness, sincerity and a kind attitude sooner or later melt even the coldest communication. When a person is in love with you, you need to at least somehow hint at reciprocity, otherwise he may never dare to take the first step. We looked at why people don't make eye contact.
Lie
It can be assumed that the person does not want his interlocutor to guess about his true emotions or intentions, and is trying to hide any information. As a rule, if a person is lying, then in addition to the lack of eye contact with him, there may be such signs as:
1) attempts to avoid the topic of conversation, discussion of unnecessary details
2) pallor or redness of the face
3) touching the nose or lips
4) tense facial expression and posture
5) fast and confused speech.
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It should be noted that a person who behaves this way is not necessarily lying. He may simply not want to tell his interlocutor anything. For example, try to hide your negative emotions - envy, condemnation, indifference.
Flirting triangle
A smile, a wink, a long look straight into the eyes... Such behavior is regarded in modern society as an attempt at flirting. Many of us probably avoid prolonged eye contact for this very reason. What if a person thinks something wrong?
Communication consultant Susan Rabin confirms this stereotype in her book 101 Ways to Flirt: Long eye contact is extremely important for flirting, with men and women using different "techniques." If representatives of the stronger half of humanity prefer a direct gaze, which they at a subconscious level consider to be a manifestation of strength and courage, then women “slide” their gaze along the so-called “flirting triangle”: the lady first visually examines the entire “object”, if the “test” is passed by the subject successfully, the gaze “rests” on the eyes.
