How to forgive your husband’s betrayal, move on with him and save your family: advice from a psychologist

There are many reasons for family breakdown, but the most common is betrayal by the husband. For some women, adultery is a trauma that leaves an imprint for life, while for others it is the beginning of a new stage. But, in any case, a complete betrayal makes you think and change the usual way of relationships.

Not every lady, after the news that her loved one is no longer just hers, is ready to end the marriage. Some agree to close their eyes, but do not know how to forgive their husband’s betrayal. This article is devoted to such a sensitive topic.

Reasons for cheating on your spouse

Changes in relationships, in most cases, occur due to disharmony within the family. Unfortunately, the great love that results in marriage does not protect against the possibility of being betrayed.

There are several reasons why husbands cheat.

Intimate dissatisfaction

Having learned about the betrayal, a woman begins to frantically search for the reason for this behavior and most often comes to the conclusion that she has lost her sexual attractiveness.

This is not about appearance, because even those ladies who take care of themselves are cheated on. The point is that sexual dissatisfaction could arise, for example, the spouse was bored with the monotony and lack of new experiments in bed. As a result, he had a motive not to talk with his wife and reach a compromise, but to search for a new sexual partner.

According to statistics, 78% of all adult men have indulged in love affairs on the side at least once.

Incompatibility of life guidelines

If spouses have different views on life and their goals differ, then this does not at all contribute to strengthening the union. Conflicting interests dictate different paces of life, so if a woman appears next to a man who completely shares his views, then the wife will probably have a hard time.

Cheating can occur both in young and older marriages

Need for self-affirmation

The need to assert himself and prove his own importance is one of the reasons why a husband is ready to betray his own wife. This is especially applicable to those couples where the woman considers herself to be in charge and establishes matriarchy in the relationship.

If a man regularly experiences humiliation, pressure and feels that his opinion means nothing, then finding a new lady who is ready to accept him for who he is seems to be the only way out.

In this case, betrayal is simply an attempt to assert oneself and prove to oneself that he is a man and he is strong.

Boredom and monotony in relationships

Alas, the same type of events, the usual way of life and monotony have a negative impact on marriage. To experience new sensations and get the adrenaline rush, a man begins to look for a new hobby on the side.

Alas, such behavior can be characteristic even of those men who love their wife with all their hearts.

Disadvantages of civil marriage

The main disadvantage of a civil marriage is that the man does not feel responsible. And he reasons that “I’m not married, and therefore sex with a new girlfriend does not oblige me to anything. And if my regular girlfriend starts to be indignant, then I’m not her husband.” This reasoning of an unmarried man is fair, it’s a fact!

But for some reason the girls think that this is not true at all. That living with a man in a civil marriage, a girl considers him her husband. She shares her bed, her time, her life with him. She completely changes her daily routine, cooking and washing for him, and is already planning what color hair their children will have.

A man doesn’t think like that at all. He thinks as we described the situation above. And after this, so many broken hearts and destinies result. They lived and lived and ran away. How to forgive betrayal in this case?

A man in a civil marriage does not see anything reprehensible in sex on the side; he does not even consider it cheating. And in the future, he also will not and does not want to limit himself and take on obligations for the relationships that exist now. Therefore, the girl should accept the fact that he does not consider her the only one with whom he is ready to build a relationship, and therefore cheats on her.

Clear signs of betrayal

An attentive wife, who knows her husband inside and out, by one appearance and a careless word, is able to determine whether her loved one is faithful to her.

You can always tell by a man whether he is faithful to his choice

Sometimes men are very skillful at hiding the presence of a mistress. However, obvious signs still give them away:

My husband began to take care of his appearance, buy stylish things more often and go to the shower several times a day.
Avoids eye contact.
Secret calls and restricting spouse's access to the phone.
A password appeared on the gadgets and computer, which the husband refuses to tell his wife.
The husband reacts extremely aggressively to requests to show calls made, SMS messages received and dialogues on social networks.
Decrease or, on the contrary, increase in sexual intercourse with the spouse. If the first occurs due to the satisfaction of sexual needs on the side, then the second occurs in order to hide one’s adventures.
A change in attitude towards your life partner - reproaches, nagging and insults over trifles, serve as nothing more than a reason to shift the burden of guilt onto someone else's shoulders.
Frequent delays at work, unexpected and regular business trips, absences from home for minor reasons. A woman should be especially wary if, after such unscheduled affairs, a man returns home in a good mood.
There were problems with the car. The vehicle began to break down frequently, resulting in an increase in the number of trips to the car service center and, accordingly, the cost of servicing, the front passenger seat was not positioned as well as usual, and the car smelled of perfume. All this should be a good reason to check your spouse for lice.
Detachment. The loved one has become distant, does not pay attention, does not remember what his spouse tells him, and has ceased to feel the need for physical and sexual contact.
Changes in the behavior of the spouse. Since having a mistress gives a man confidence in his own irresistibility, his behavior can become more relaxed and confident, and his self-esteem can reach “heaven.”
Traces from a woman. Hair on the cuff of a shirt, the presence of lipstick, jewelry in a box lying peacefully in a pocket of clothing, but never reaching the hands of the wife - all these are signs of betrayal.

Unfortunately, some women are not inclined to ask friends and acquaintances for help, so they relive the situation again and again, destroying their mental health.

An overly jealous wife encourages her husband to cheat

Ways to protect your relationship from cheating

It is impossible to give a guarantee that there will be no betrayal from your husband. But every woman can minimize the risk of betrayal. So:

It is worth paying attention to your partner’s habits and hobbies. As practice shows, common interests bring us very close together.
Sex and more sex. You should not turn this part of life with your loved one into a habit. And what measures you take for this is up to you.
The danger of being around all the time. Therefore, we pay attention to each other’s personal space in order to get a little bored.
We keep ourselves in shape – physical and psychological. We are constantly developing.
Fewer scandals - more constructive conversations.

We tell you how to protect yourself from your husband’s cheating

How to forgive your husband for cheating and restore your previous relationship

First of all, you need to accept that betrayal has already happened and you can’t erase it with an eraser. Only a woman whose love for her husband is strong can forgive and forget betrayal. Probably, in this case, she simply cannot imagine or is afraid to imagine her life without him.

READ

Why do people get divorced in modern families?

To forgive a man, you can try to understand his actions. Perhaps at some moments his wife humiliated him, deliberately trampled him into the dirt - in this case, this is simply a kind of rebellion.

It also happens that a wife, especially after the birth of a child, stops paying attention not only to her husband, but also to her appearance.

Here a different picture appears before the life partner:

overweight,
stretched home clothes,
greasy hair,
tied with an elastic band in a ponytail...

All this does not make him want to have intimacy. You should probably start by changing your own personality.

Relationships are a constant work on yourself. If betrayal gets in the way of your family, but you decide to step over it and continue to live in marriage, then it’s time to work on your mistakes. Here the step is up to the man.

He needs to take responsibility for the action he has committed and try to do everything in his power to receive forgiveness. The husband must re-conquer his wife.

The last step on the path to forgiveness will be parting with thoughts of betrayal. It is important that both the wife and husband are able to let go of the situation.

Only a truly loving wife can forgive betrayal

Is it worth forgiving betrayal - says Yulia Klyukvina, stylist, blogger, expert at Colady magazine

Cheating is a fairly common phenomenon. According to statistics, 75% of men and 25% of women have cheated on their spouses at least once.

However, we often like to have illusions about this, believing that this certainly will not affect our family. But if such a situation does arise, the question arises: is it worth forgiving the betrayal, is it necessary to reconcile, or is such a precedent a reason for divorce?

Let me make a reservation right away: there is no and cannot be an unambiguous answer to this question. It all depends on many circumstances - your relationship, feelings, desire or unwillingness to be together.

Hypothetically, it is possible to forgive betrayal. For example, if your partner started an affair during a period when you separated for a short time, but then decided to get back together again.

It is quite possible that, having learned about this, you will perceive such an act as some kind of betrayal, a move “to the left,” but if you think about it objectively, your partner did not cheat at all, because he could not know in advance how everything would turn out.

Or a casual relationship with a drunken colleague after a banquet. Yes, it's ugly, yes, it's treason. But here’s the question: are you ready to give up a long-term established relationship with minimal guilt from your partner? In a word, betrayal is not always an unambiguous reason for a breakup.

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But there are several nuances that need to be taken into account when making a decision (no matter what - to separate or forgive).

Never prioritize having children. Often the stereotype “a child needs a father” or “a child should live in a full-fledged family” becomes a fatal factor that forces people to live under the same roof, despite extinguished feelings.

If your partner regularly “walks”, if there has been no love between you for a long time, if you are, in principle, not ready to forgive betrayal, then you don’t need to cling to your children as a lifeline: take courage and put an end to your relationship.

Believe me, a child will always be better off with happy, albeit divorced, parents than with unhappy and angry parents.

The same goes for fears like “what if no one else gets married?”, prejudices “it’s a shame to be divorced” and reasoning from “good relatives” in the spirit of “nobody needs a divorcee at your age!”

There is no need to guess on the tea leaves, to think that your partner is the last man/woman on Earth and the light has converged like a wedge on one person. First of all, it's not true. And secondly, what is much more important is not what will happen in the vague future, but what is happening now.

Can you forgive cheating? Is there really any love left between you? Do you need to rehabilitate your relationship?

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If you think that your union has outlived its usefulness or that the person acted in a way that does not deserve forgiveness, then there is no point in forcing yourself to forgive him because of fears, other people’s advice, and other things. You are just starting a new stage of life, that's all.

Only you should make the decision to forgive the betrayal or separate, and focus both on the facts (under what circumstances the betrayal happened, how many times, was there remorse, what preceded it, what is the state of your relationship), and on your own feelings.

Look at the situation soberly and calmly, maybe even cynically.

Did he or she do this more than once, or was the betrayal a one-time occurrence? Do you still love this person, and he still loves you, or have your feelings faded away long ago? Do you feel good with him, comfortable, does your relationship bring you happiness or has it become a convention?

Analyze, think about it, look at the situation from different angles. Perhaps at this time it will be better for you to go somewhere or consult a psychotherapist. But the main thing is that your decision is balanced and takes into account your interests.

Should you forgive your husband after cheating?

Forgiving a husband after cheating or, on the contrary, breaking off all relations with him is a personal matter for every woman. The decision, as a rule, depends on the character of the wife and the views on marriage instilled in her from childhood.

But one thing is always certain - forgiving betrayal for the benefit of the children, for fear of upsetting the parents or in order to “save” face, is not the best idea.

Children will grow up, parents will always accept their child's decision, and society's opinion does not matter. There is only one life and staying with a person who betrayed you, not because of strong love, but for the benefit of the above goals, is not worth it.

With the question of what to do if you cannot forgive your husband’s betrayal, most often you make an appointment with a psychologist.

Why is it so difficult to make a decision?

It would seem that there is nothing easier than to sort out your feelings and make a decision. Either forgive and move on peacefully, or burn all bridges by breaking up. Just figure out what you want.

But it's not that simple. After all, in adult life there are too many nuances that prevent you from making a decision here and now.

Public opinion

If you ask on a forum whether it is possible to forgive your husband’s infidelity, 90% will answer negatively.

Cheating = betrayal, and this is not discussed.

Anyone who expresses a different opinion is accused of the most terrible sins. Therefore, the wife of the traitor begins to doubt her decision to forgive her husband.

But if you decide to forgive him, you don’t need to look at the opinions of your friends, relatives or strangers. You live with this decision and bear the consequences. So there is no need to adapt to others.

If possible, do not tell anyone from your close circle about your husband’s infidelity. This way your decision will not be influenced by external circumstances.

Pride

It seems that you want to forgive your husband’s betrayal, but how can you do this without losing your face? After all, your forgiveness is a manifestation of weakness. It's as if you allow him to cheat and don't see anything wrong with it.

In fact, everything is different - you can forgive your husband’s betrayal, and at the same time show mercy, not weakness.

Is forgiveness a sign of weakness or mercy?

After all, your relationship is not confrontation, but joint work. You have put a lot of effort into them and you can give your husband a second chance.

It won't take long for him to appreciate your generous gesture.

Family well-being

Sometimes it seems that it doesn’t matter whether you want to forgive your husband’s infidelity - it’s necessary, it means it’s necessary. Then:

The children will not lose their father.
You will be able to spend more time with them, rather than working two jobs to feed the child.
In everyday life it is convenient to have a man, especially a hard-working one.
It's easier to pay off your mortgage together.
And where to live in case of divorce.
It will be inconvenient to be considered “divorced with children.”
There is no desire to go through legal divorce proceedings.
The very thought of not being able to save the marriage is unbearable.

The woman's focus shifts. Now she is thinking about forgiving or getting divorced. Fear of divorce overshadows other thoughts.

You need to focus only on your true desires, and not on external factors. You will have to live with this decision and will not be able to overcome yourself. No one will thank you for saving an unhappy marriage.

What not to do after your husband cheats

There are many ways to make the situation worse:

Sex is like revenge. There is no need to get intimate with a work colleague, friend, or just a random person in retaliation - this method does not make a lady beautiful; on the contrary, in the morning, as a rule, a feeling of shame appears.
Binge eating. Some women choose chocolate, fast food, ice cream and other products that damage their figure as a comfort food. Since there is already one reason for frustration, in the form of adultery, problems in the form of excess weight will definitely become unnecessary.
Alcohol. We are talking about long-term consumption of alcoholic beverages, and not about a one-time visit to an entertainment event with the use of strong drinks.
Anger. You should not ruin your spouse’s life, for example, by telling negative information about his work activities to his superiors or posting compromising videos on social networks - this, first of all, humiliates the woman herself.
Give up on yourself. Every woman is attractive and if her husband does not appreciate her, then another man will definitely do it for him.

READ

How to get your husband away from his mistress forever

Cheating undermines trust in the family

Should betrayal be forgiven?

Often when women turn to specialists, the question arises: “Is it worth forgiving a man’s betrayal?” Psychology in this regard says: if there is a desire of the spouses to maintain the relationship without the necessary readiness for constructive negotiations, it is advisable to contact a qualified psychologist.

Psychological assistance to a woman who has experienced betrayal consists of several steps. First, it is important to determine the cause of adultery, and finally to develop the best course of action aimed at restoring emotional well-being. If there are no results after using psychological methods, you can contact a hypnotist. Hypnosis can change a woman’s subconscious attitude towards betrayal, reduce anxiety, anxiety.

Hypnosis will not help charm your husband or make him fall in love. But it is capable of the following results:

eliminating resentment;
improved self-esteem;
increasing success;
relatively quick life change.

IMPORTANT! Informational article! Before use, you should consult a specialist.

Recommendations from a psychologist

If there is no opportunity to make an appointment with a psychologist and listen to his advice, then you should take into account the recommendations of specialists who will help you forgive infidelity:

Have a heart-to-heart talk with your spouse. In the conversation, attention should be focused on the fact that his action caused pain and contributed to the loss of trust. A smart man will understand that he will have to make a lot of effort to win back a woman's affections and stay together.
Letter. Some women cannot tell their husband everything that lies heavily on their souls. In this case, a letter will help. On a piece of paper you need to write down everything you have experienced and what pain you have endured. The letter must be given to the husband, and if he has left, then burn it and scatter the ashes.
Agreement. If you decide to save the marriage and improve relationships, then you can draw up an agreement. It states the responsibilities of each spouse and indicates what he must do for the relationship: change some character trait in himself, perform certain actions, etc.

Only a woman should decide whether to forgive her husband or not, casting aside the feeling of pity.
Only a wise wife is able to forgive her husband after betrayal and accept him back. But it is worth remembering that if a man has already stepped down the “slippery” path once and was forgiven, then probably, when an interesting lady appears, his course may again stray to the left.

Conditions for forgiving a partner

True forgiveness is possible if two conditions are met. I want to tell you more about them.

Openness

This condition implies the ability to speak openly about what happened. Don't be afraid to discuss what happened. Share thoughts and feelings openly.

In this case, both partners must be open. Especially a cheating man. Then you can talk about the reasons for the betrayal. About what internal processes pushed him to such a choice. You can discuss and decide what needs to change in the relationship to prevent this from happening again.

Having these open conversations will truly make your relationship different. At the same time, you will understand what caused the deception. And you will also know that this is no longer about your relationship, because it has already changed. And this happened thanks to an extremely painful experience that you and your husband were able to use as a springboard to move to another level of your marriage.

Actions

The second condition is the actions of the husband. Real actions on his part are very important. You must see them and understand that this is his way of proving his repentance and trying to make things right.

It is impossible to trust words after betrayal. After all, he said before that he wasn’t cheating. But everything turned out differently. Therefore, it is actions that matter.

They should be something like this:

Your husband shows you that you are dear to him, he chooses you and appreciates you;
He decides to remove his mistress from his contacts;
He agrees to quit if he and his mistress worked together;

Any significant action in your direction will indicate the sincerity of your husband’s intentions. One of my clients, in a similar situation, had a husband who started building a house. Thus, he showed that he wanted to save the family, invest strength in his relationship with his wife, in their children.

Such actions really allow you to gradually come to genuine forgiveness of betrayal.

Do I need to forgive and move on with my spouse?

The most difficult decision will be to forgive the cheater. Is he worthy of it or not? Even if a woman decides to take a second chance for her partner, it is unlikely that she clearly understands what awaits her in the future.

At first, thoughts may arise that it is easier to ignore your husband’s infidelity than to get a divorce and be left completely alone. However, days will pass, and the woman will realize that her imagination is constantly drawing pictures in her head of how exactly the intimacy took place between her husband and another woman, what words he whispered to her, what positions they tried... Irritation and anger will only increase. Even with the meek and affectionate behavior of the husband, the wife will begin to find fault with him because of shortcomings that she did not notice before the incident. Quarrels and scandals cannot be avoided out of the blue.

If the husband does not return home from work on time, the woman will torment herself with thoughts about where and with whom he is, whether he is in the arms of another woman again. She will start checking his phone, social networks, laptop. It will be your spouse's turn to be angry. This behavior of the wife can be explained by the fact that trust in the partner has been lost.

Most often it is easy to forgive, but not every person can return such a fragile feeling as trust. Therefore, a woman needs to carefully understand herself whether she is ready to live with her husband in such a relationship. Psychologists recommend taking a break and giving yourself time to think about what happened and the future.

Why do husbands go to their mistresses and leave their families?

In what cases can this be done?

If a woman decides to continue her relationship with her cheating spouse, she risks losing the man’s respect, and he will stop taking her seriously. The husband will believe that his wife will always forgive him, no matter what he does, and therefore will not think about his behavior in the future. Psychologists’ answer to the question “when should you forgive?” is simple: it is necessary to forgive your husband and save the marriage only if there are very good reasons.

Typically, women forgive infidelity in the following cases:

the spouses have small children together;
the spouse is financially dependent or does not have her own home.

The presence of such factors will seriously complicate a woman’s future life if she decides to divorce.

If a woman has no dependence on her husband and she realizes that she no longer has the same bright feelings for him, the right decision would be to put an end to the relationship. When a spouse continues to love a man, she will go for forgiveness. But you should only forgive your spouse if you can see his sincere repentance and regret for his actions.

If you decide to save your family, you will have to immediately discuss several important issues. Make a list in which you identify your husband’s negative traits, and ask him to make the same one with your traits that irritate him. Both partners will need to work on their behavior to avoid recurrence of problems.

If the betrayal was just a fact of one-time physical contact, perhaps it will be easier to survive it

It is important to find out how a man treats his mistress, what feelings connect them. In the case of one-time and purely physical contact, the reunification of the spouses will be easier. But if a spouse cheats not only physically, but also mentally, this indicates a weakening of his feelings for his official wife. You will have to put up with it for a long time and painfully.