Cheating happens in the lives of many couples, even those in which the partners sincerely love each other. Why? In her book “Infidelity,” the famous psychologist and sex therapist Marina Travkova explores infidelity through the prism of Russian specifics. Reminder publishes an excerpt from it.
Being a naturally non-monogamous species, we have come to a situation in which “our heart must tell us” the one and only person we will love and desire throughout our lives. But more and more often voices are heard that say that this is impossible. Passion passes, novelty wears off, and some of the latest research even claims that sexual attraction (drive), romantic love and tender affection activate different areas of the cerebral cortex. That is, you can madly want a person and find him sexy - but not love him. Feeling tender and warm affection for your long-term partner, but not wanting him at all. To love deeply and tenderly one person and suddenly, against this background, experience a bright romantic love for someone else.
I think most of those who read me are familiar with all these situations. Are those with whom we have been in good and loving relationships for many years always present in our erotic fantasies? Does it happen that your admiration for someone’s qualities or professionalism borders on falling in love and erotic adoration? Do we even sometimes fantasize about sex with other people? Judging at least by the existence of erotic literature, porn products and traffic to porn sites, the answer is yes. Have you ever had an emotional connection with someone, deep and intimate, in which it did not lead to sex, but emotional love was definitely present? Have you ever fallen in love not mutually, survived it, cooled down (sometimes not completely cooled down) and moved on with your life, switching to another person?
Can this frame called “marriage” or “relationship” contain everything and forever - only to one person? Obviously not. So, do people cheat because they are doomed to cheat? Not at all.
Whatever our animal nature, we are human beings, we have values and meaningful beliefs. Understanding why we behave the way we do is with us when we “enter” a relationship. And if, when entering into them, we agree on monogamy, then there is no “animal nature” to hide behind. We have the will, the ability to say no, and the ability to choose. Why do people sometimes take advantage of this to the detriment of their partner or their couple, knowing full well that they will cause pain and that their actions are disapproved (sometimes they themselves are the first to disapprove of their actions!) - let's figure it out.
There are factors that do not provoke betrayal, but accompany it, a kind of background for betrayal. Here they are, in front of you.
What does the concept mean?
Dahl's explanatory dictionary interprets the concept of “betrayal” as treason and perfidy. A more specific definition is the violation of an oath, oath, taboo and other obligations given by a person. There is a good comparison of such an act with being stabbed in the back. Indeed, it also causes pain (although not physical) and happens unexpectedly.
This phenomenon appears sooner or later in the lives of many - a close friend or girlfriend, a loved one betrays. Even parents and children are sometimes capable of betrayal.
It is important to realize that betrayal is considered such only if there is mutual agreement. There are many examples:
- A woman is in love with a man who did not reciprocate her feelings and married someone else.
- The boy Vanya wants to be friends with Petya and tries in every possible way to please him, but Petya invites Vasya, his best friend, to his birthday party.
- A guy breaks up with one girl and finds another, while the ex feels hurt.
In all these cases, there is virtually no relationship between people and no one can be called traitors. Another thing is adultery or friendly infidelity. At all times, this act was considered a grave sin from a religious, moral and ethical point of view.
Expert opinion
Psychologist Anna Kiryanova believes that traitors are incorrigible. They are not tormented by pangs of conscience when they leave their children, abandon their wives, or throw mud at their once beloved idol. They do not see anything shameful in their actions, because betrayal and meanness have become a way of life for them. From a very early age.
And their own parents often become an example. Those who see nothing wrong with finding another family or throwing a dead cat in the trash. For them, all this nonsense is the norm of life. Therefore, children learn to be friends with convenient people, abandon loved ones, and offend animals.
It is natural for them to enjoy the benefits of life here and now. And if the wife has grown old and ugly over the years, then she too needs to be thrown into the dustbin of history. And in place of this unfortunate woman, bring another, young body.
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Why do people betray
This phenomenon is present in love and friendship. People are capable of betraying unexpectedly and for a variety of reasons. Usually the roots of such an act lie in a feeling of fear for the life or health of oneself and loved ones, for material well-being. Also, the basis of meanness is self-interest, greed and envy.
There is an opinion that if a person had traitors in his family, then he is also capable of such a base act. Traitors are cowardly and, instead of honestly clarifying relationships, they resort to deception, and when it is discovered, they look for an excuse.
READ How to survive your wife's betrayal: from finding reasons to forgiveness
Self-love
The cause of betrayal is often selfish behavior. Such a person is fixated on himself and his experiences, recognizing their priority over the feelings of other people. They often manipulate others to achieve their own goals.
In the absence of crisis situations, an egoist can be friends with someone, come to visit, smile and give compliments. But if help is needed or the “friend” becomes unprofitable for him, the egoist leaves or betrays. In the matter of promotion up the career ladder, he is easily able to substitute a friend without experiencing any remorse.
Mental weakness
Even cowardly people can betray a friend. In this case, the subject simply cannot follow moral standards, be decent and responsible due to his spiritual weakness. Such people prefer simple ways to solve problems in their lives, and betraying is always easier than being strong and keeping a promise.
Cowards look for excuses for their base actions in “the way things are” or shift responsibility onto another person. At the same time, such traitors justify themselves not only to the victim, but also to themselves, in order to calm their conscience. The basis of the betrayal of these people is a feeling of fear and panic. Sometimes cowards betray instinctively, trying to protect their comfort and safety. This is especially true in a stressful situation. Such people are not capable of high deeds by nature.
Out of stupidity
Not all people thoroughly analyze what is happening around them and are aware of their actions. Sometimes a person really does not understand that he is betraying someone. Having realized the pain he caused, he usually regrets his action.
It is easier to forgive such traitors, knowing that the person committed the betrayal in error. But trust will be lost, since there is no guarantee that the traitor will adequately assess the situation next time and not commit a similar act.
Where does meanness show up?
Love, friendship, family or relationships with the state - betrayal manifests itself in any area of life. Mean behavior is described as an unexpected blow, a spit in the soul. Walking the path of a traitor means moving downhill. It’s easier than climbing up and facing the challenges of fate. But the consequences of such an easy path are disappointing.
READ How to understand that a girl is cheating on you: main signs
It seems that most often it is loved ones who betray. But the fact is that for a person, the vile act of a stranger does not have such acute significance as the treachery of a friend, relative or lover.
In family life
Marital betrayal devalues the bonds of marriage and family, and breaks marriage vows. Forgiving betrayal is very difficult. Men often betray their spouses because of physical weakness and momentary temptation, women - because of dissatisfaction with their husband as a breadwinner.
This leaves an imprint on the formation of the child’s personality. It is difficult for a daughter or son to understand the destruction of the established way of life and justify the behavior of their parents. Most often, infidelity in marriage becomes a reason for divorce.
In friendship
Friendly betrayal is one of the most painful. There are many options here: double betrayal when a friend seduces a lover, a friend’s refusal to help in difficult times, a lie, or public disclosure of a personal secret.
Often people simply pretend to be someone's friends, feeling secret hatred towards the person for success, beauty, etc. The root of such an act is envy. Sometimes envious people deliberately ingratiate themselves with the victim in order to gradually destroy her life with insidious tricks.
Sometimes a friend's betrayal occurs unintentionally, and the person really feels regret about what happened. It is important to remember that friends create relationships based on exchange. It’s worth understanding the situation and giving your friend a chance, because anyone can make a mistake.
