Betrayal - what is it, 5 basic steps, how to survive

One of the most bitter experiences in life is betrayal. Betrayal is serious because it destroys faith in something or someone, and without confidence there can be no strong relationships. Hence the main problem of betrayal is the loss of trust between people. Without trust, society, families, institutions and, of course, marriage cannot function. Betrayal shakes a person to the core because it destroys his ability to trust. But how to survive the betrayal of a loved one? How to communicate with a traitor? What to do if you are betrayed? Let's talk together about betrayal in this article.

Betrayal by a loved one is a serious trauma and stress for any person.

What is betrayal - Definitions and explanations

Betrayal is perhaps the most devastating loss a person can experience. Please note that I use the term “loss” to describe the consequences of betrayal. In our society, we have a hard time understanding the concepts of “loss” and “grief.” We understand that when someone dies, we experience loss and grief, but often we don't acknowledge the other forms of loss we may experience in life.

The loss may be caused by the death of a person. However, it may also be the loss of a part of this person, for example, as a result of illness. For example, when one spouse develops Alzheimer's disease, the healthy spouse may experience a loss of companionship or emotional support.

Loss can also be related to less tangible things such as trust. When a person is betrayed by someone, he loses trust in that person. When we trust another person, we believe that he will not harm us. When he hurts us, we realize that this person is capable of hurting us. Thus, we have lost something very important for the relationship.

In simple words, betrayal is a deliberate and conscious violation by a person of communication or an oath, which is accompanied by a violation of socially accepted norms and rules of behavior that does not cause the person who violated these guidelines to feel guilty (more often, the person denies what he did).

A person who breaks a duty or promise is called a traitor. Moreover, the actions of a traitor can be directed both at one person and at a group of people.

Psychological definition

In psychology, the concept of betrayal is revealed from a more scientific point of view. Thus, according to existing books and sources, betrayal means the consequences of free choice, which manifests itself in betrayal of oneself, a loved one, a family member and other social groups.

At the same time, the person himself who has changed his life attitudes is called a traitor. It is important to understand that even if betrayal occurred in relation to another person, the traitor also betrays himself, since he breaks the oaths and promises he made himself. For example, if a wife cheats on her husband, then she cheats on herself.

The theme of betrayal is revealed not only in our lives, but also in culture and religion. If we look at the contents of many religious books, it becomes obvious that the most terrible sin is betrayal of oneself, betrayal of a loved one, betrayal of faith.

Deep betrayal in a relationship is hard for anyone to experience.

What is the difference between betrayal and treason

Cheating is a personal concept that is interpreted differently for everyone. For some, it’s looking at another girl/man on the street, liking a photo, or physical betrayal in the form of a kiss or sexual intercourse. Usually this only applies to love relationships. But it can also describe high treason, when a person deliberately sells the interests of his country to other states. Betrayal is a broader concept. You can betray a person's trust and hope in your relationship together.

The criterion for distinguishing these concepts is the principle of “general and particular”. Betrayal has a broader meaning - it can include treason, violation of an obligation or promise, or deception. Whereas betrayal is something that occurs among partners, which is due to the fact that the cheater builds contacts and connections of a romantic nature with another person. Therefore, treason is a subtype of betrayal.

Break up or fight for the relationship

Staying in a relationship after cheating is a risky move. Even if partners manage to reconcile and forgive each other, regaining the trust necessary for a functional union is a difficult task. A person who remains with a traitor risks his peace of mind and health - it will be difficult for him not to suspect his spouse of a new affair.

If you don’t want to give up and are ready to really, and not in words, fight for your full and happy life, you may be interested in this article .

The following circumstances play a major role in maintaining relationships:

The original intentions of the traitor. Casual sex under the influence of alcohol and long-term, planned deception, including a double life with a lover or mistress, should be perceived differently. In the first case, the culprit often regrets, repents of what happened, and wants to turn back time. In the second, the traitor makes it clear that he is using his partner.
Previous situation in the relationship. Cheating does not occur out of nowhere - it is the result of quarrels, separations, sexual and emotional dissatisfaction, and lack of emotions in a relationship. Understanding the motives for betrayal and their objective assessment will help you find out whether the offense was a one-time mistake or a planned betrayal.
Partner's emotions. You need to understand whether the traitor wants to save the family (repents of infidelity, wants to atone for guilt), whether the husband is trying to help his wife survive the betrayal (or vice versa). If the culprit takes the fact of betrayal lightly and makes no effort to earn forgiveness, it is not worth fighting for the relationship.
Family Children. Sometimes a husband and wife continue an unhappy marriage in order to raise a child in a healthy environment, wanting to spare him the stress of divorce. Whether to do so is a controversial issue. A conflict-ridden, dysfunctional family, parents dissatisfied with their marriage are sometimes worse for a child’s psyche than growing up with a single father or mother.

When making a decision, you need to calm down. This takes time - before sorting things out and making a final verdict, you should come to your senses and look at the situation objectively. It is advisable for the victim to temporarily put aside negative (resentment, anger, embarrassment) and positive (attachment, past happy memories) feelings, and then impartially evaluate the partner’s actions.

It is not recommended to seek advice from friends, relatives, or mother. They can console, reassure, give support, support, but their perception of the situation is distorted by sympathy for the victim. If a person needs advice, it is worth contacting a family psychologist.

When choosing a specialist, pay attention to his education, work experience and your personal feelings, how much you like the psychologist. The psychologist selection service Psyinsight.ru will help you find a specialist who will suit you and will be interested in solving your problem. To get started, you need to leave a request on the website and a psychologist will contact you shortly. The session takes place online in any messenger convenient for you.

Cheating is an extreme manifestation of disrespect, after which the relationship cannot remain the same.

The act can be understood, forgiven, justified, but maintaining the union is a desperate step that can harm the well-being and psychological health of the couple. Consequences of continuing a relationship with an unfaithful person:

developing the habit of controlling a partner and keeping an eye on him, annoying him at the slightest provocation;
constant stress due to the likelihood of new betrayal;
decreased self-esteem, loss of self-respect;
strengthening emotional and psychological dependence on the traitor;
loss of opportunity to form healthy connections;
developing beliefs that cheating is normal, becoming accustomed to cruel, disrespectful behavior;
constant temptations to take out a grudge, to take revenge (including to change in response);
living next to a person who constantly reminds you of the trauma you suffered.

Because of this, psychologists do not recommend restoring the union after betrayal. Even if the victim retains love and affection for the traitor, the fact of his action indicates a lack of mutual feelings.

According to statistics, the reason for 90-95% of cheating is not sexual desire, but the inability to satisfy emotional needs with the current partner. Unfaithful people are looking for passion, thrills, tenderness, romance, and trying to increase self-esteem. Some people derive psychological pleasure from the very fact of being able to change and hide it.

Is it true that everyone betrays

I dare say yes. At least once in his life, a person will commit betrayal for the benefit of his own comfort. Sometimes this happens completely unconsciously and thoughtlessly. But if you have a healthy psyche and a bright mind, you are friends with people not for profit, then cases of betrayal are reduced to a minimum. After all, you can betray not only a living being, but your faith, religion, and country. Don't think that by betraying you automatically become a bad person. On the contrary, analyze all your weaknesses and motive for action. You shouldn’t put the stigma on yourself that “people don’t change.” This will make your inner core thicker and you will no longer give in to such disgusting actions.

In fact, the person who betrayed thinks about what he did at least once. Here it is important for the traitor to realize the consequences of his actions and work through this issue.

Every person has had a treacherous act at least once in their life.

Don't blame yourself

“Don’t blame yourself” may sound crazy in this case. But many people tend to blame themselves when their partner becomes unfaithful. It is a normal reaction to ask yourself: “What did I do wrong?”, “What made my partner want someone else?” The truth is, in many cases, it wasn't your fault that you "led your partner astray."

You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what exactly you did wrong. You may find yourself reliving all your failed relationships in your mind, trying to find that one reason that pushed him away. But you are unlikely to find it yourself, so stop blaming yourself!

Where can betrayal occur?

Betrayal is a special act of violating life’s attitudes, according to some, even treachery. Such phenomena are widespread everywhere. Let's look at the most relevant and obvious examples of betrayal in our lives:

Love Bond - When you enter into a relationship with your partner, you make a kind of promise that you will love each other forever. This always happens by the mutual will of the two parties and the promise is based on the mutual trust of the partners. But, unfortunately, there are also cases of broken love promises. If someone cheats for personal gain or for evil, then there can no longer be any question of trust in such a relationship. The betrayer in the eyes of the other half becomes an empty place and an offender;
Friendship relationships - how can you betray a friend if you become the closest people to each other? Sometimes they trust their deepest secrets to friends because they are sure that they will find support in them and not condemnation, as can happen in a family. When a complete stranger becomes practically a member of the family, betrayal on his part sticks like a knife in the back. Again, deliberate betrayal due to misunderstandings, envy and stupidity can lead to unfortunate events. Most likely, a person will no longer be able to trust his former friend, since he will always be ready for disappointment;
Family ties - it happens that some relatives live richer than others and completely forget about their relatives, who may need their help. This may sound mercantile, but help is not only about material benefits. You can give away things and shoes that you no longer wear. But most of these relatives prefer to simply forget about the existence of their relatives and retire to their small family. Or adult children, when they grow up, completely forget about their elderly parents and do not help them in any way.
Work – at work it’s every man for himself and it’s very rare to meet those who find close people. Always be alert and remember that everyone is looking for financial gain for themselves and they do not care how they achieve it.
High treason is another type of betrayal. Traitors to the homeland reveal state secrets, the country's impending plans in order to make it more vulnerable to rival countries.

We write a lot about different types of relationships between people and about psychological trauma. I would like to note that domestic violence, the topic of which is most relevant now, is always accompanied by betrayal. For example, a child is betrayed by his parent when he raises his hand to his child or uses other forms of violence.

Final Thoughts

You should remember that cheating does not always mean the end of a relationship. This means that you need to change something in the relationship if you want to stay together. Always listen to your heart. It will tell you how to act. But don't forget about yourself. Work on your self-esteem and self-confidence. Because it is these qualities that help to survive many difficulties, even such as betrayal in a relationship.

Would you stay with your current partner if he cheated?

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Why do people betray

Betrayal can be caused by many reasons, including jealousy, greed, power and fear. These reasons can push people, even people as close as family, to act against you for their own personal reasons, even if it hurts you. Stories of betrayal go back to the beginning of humankind. Regardless of the reasons, one thing is clear: the act of betrayal has consequences for both parties.

Self-love

Selfishness is one of the most distinctive qualities of traitors. Obsession with oneself and one's own benefit can sometimes be destructive. As long as they are comfortable communicating with you, they will smile in your face, even provide basic support if they know for sure that they can take advantage of you in the future. As soon as he receives everything that his soul required, such a person will leave without caring about your feelings. This manifestation of self-esteem is directly related to the characteristic of a person - hypocrisy.

Mental weakness

Cowardly, irresponsible and cowardly people most often betray people because they live according to the principle of simplicity. Because of their weakness, they solve their problems in life in the easiest ways, since they cannot keep promises and seek more honest and moral solutions to problems. Their most important argument is “this is how the circumstances developed, I could not influence them in any way.” Finding excuses and excuses is their favorite pastime. Because of the fear of not being realized in life, they leave at the expense of strong people, undermining their psychological and mental state.

Many traitors commit breaches of trust due to their own cowardice

Out of stupidity

As the well-known saying goes: “Measure seven times, cut once.” It’s the same in life. Think several times before taking any action. One wrong step can radically change someone's life. Due to your stupidity, your actions can cause severe pain without noticing it.

Where does meanness show up?

Alas, you can encounter betrayal at every step. Mean people are around us all the time. You can get a stab in the back at any moment from a person from whom you did not expect this at all: betrayal from a loved one, relative, work colleague, best friend, and so on.

In family life

If you've ever felt betrayed by a family member, you're not alone. In fact, most people feel betrayed by their family at some point in their lives. When your family betrays you, it can be especially painful because, according to most typical expectations, these are the people we can trust the most.

Some of the most common family betrayals that people experience are:

Infidelity

Gossip

Theft

Condemnation

Lie

Humiliation

Judging by these examples of family betrayal, it can be said that some of them are more destructive to the human psyche than others. However, any betrayal of trust destroys the foundation of any relationship.

A lie told with an honest face, looking you in the eye, is the end of trust, and it hurts. When your brother says nasty things about you behind your back, this is the kind of betrayal that is difficult to forgive. If your partner breaks the marital vow, such as your husband cheating on you, it can be a betrayal that ends the relationship.

In friendship

Betrayal from a friend is many times more offensive given the fact that friends are often considered closer than family. Because of envy of success, material wealth, beauty and status. Ingratiating themselves with someone and then wiping their feet on a person is easy for them. But it may also be that the betrayal is unintentional and then there is a chance to restore friendship.

The main reasons for male infidelity

A detailed analysis of the problem can reveal several dozen different reasons for the second half’s betrayal. The reasons depend on internal psychological attitudes, which lead to infidelity. The most common ones include:

Problems at work, a midlife crisis, quarrels in the family - a man is looking for a way to relax, trying to escape from reality. At the same time, someone else’s bed here turns into a “shelter” and is perceived as entertainment.
Sexual dissatisfaction - the stronger sex is offended that the spouses no longer look and behave like they did before the wedding. The passion subsides. Husbands also seek satisfaction of unfulfilled desires, erotic fantasies, which they are embarrassed to admit or which they are denied.
There are few common points of intersection (hobbies, social circles, life goals and preferences, worldviews) - acute differences in life priorities result in a couple moving away from each other and include the desire to find a like-minded person elsewhere.
“Everyday life” - monotony, familiarity and predictability of relationships. When daily hassles and routine have long replaced romance, the husband is looking for novelty and freshness of impressions.

Other reasons include:

the need to assert one’s personality;
desire to increase self-esteem;
search for new experiences;
the desire to take revenge for the infidelity of the spouse;
the inability or unwillingness to overcome the “instinct” of a predator;
testing the strength of a marriage, the desire to “shake up” the relationship in this way.

It is very important to understand the reason for betrayal in order to reconsider the model of previous relationships and avoid betrayal in the future.

How to deal with betrayal

Treat it as another lesson in your life, from which you need to take only useful things. The experience gained may be painful, but it will help to cope with similar situations in the future. It will take time to resolve the consequences. But it is precisely this that will give immunity to the next negativity from other people.

Betrayal is difficult for anyone to survive

Keep your head held high

Naturally, being with an unfaithful partner is not easy. Additionally, when trust is broken, it can be very easy to fall into the trap of blaming yourself and experiencing feelings of failure and even shame. Our emotions tend to drive our actions. So by keeping your emotions under control and believing in yourself, you can overcome even the most difficult situation and make the right decisions.

When a partner is unfaithful, it is always emotionally very painful. But by lifting your head again and believing in yourself, you can pave your way to “healing.” And while infidelity can indeed destroy any relationship, don't let it destroy you.

How to react to this

Betrayal is inevitable, so don't be shocked when it happens, just accept it as a given. This will help you endure such life difficulties more easily.

People are free to do what they like, and they do it. People often exhibit human traits. For your own sanity, just accept that these things happen, and they do happen. Then, once you have internalized it, ask yourself, if they happen, why shouldn't it happen to you from time to time. Then just accept that obviously you are not immune to this happening to you and just deal with it.

How to survive betrayal?

Svetlana Kovalenko

Psychologist, clinical psychologist

Ask a Question

Perhaps the best advice is to recognize that the process of trusting and getting to know another person is measured over years, sometimes decades. Many couples who have been married for many years admit that they sincerely developed trust in each other after 5-7 years of marriage. There are different types of betrayal. Accordingly, even when getting married, you cannot say that this relationship is for life, that you will not betray each other. Everything happens in life. Betrayal is hard to bear because we trust the person. When our expectations are not met, it is difficult to accept. I can recommend two options:

1. Try to independently work out the image of a person. Find those factors that could show throughout your relationship that the person was a traitor, a hypocrite, or could potentially do so. In simple words, you need to take off the “rose-colored glasses” that prevented you from objectively perceiving a person; 2. Contact a psychologist or psychotherapist who will help solve the problem of betrayal from a professional point of view.

How to survive betrayal: Scheme of events

The fact of betrayal is a point of no return. After everything happened, it will definitely be bad for everyone. To everyone - the traitor, the one who was cheated on, and the one with whom they cheated. This article is for those who have become victims of betrayal.

There are many options for further developments. What do you have? You may think that betrayal is everywhere and always betrayal, but no. What you do depends on how events develop. Answer questions to help you navigate your surroundings.

Do you have evidence of treason, or just suspicions?
Did your husband admit to cheating on you or did you find out about it yourself?
Does your husband know that you know about the affair?
Has the relationship ended or is it still ongoing?
What intentions does the husband express? Is he going to stay in the family, or is he still “thinking”, or is he determined to break up with you?

To understand how to proceed, you need to know exactly what “coordinate system” you are in now. So now stop shedding tears and start planning your life.

What happens after my husband cheats?

If you were able to answer the questions in the previous section, choose one of four options for the situation.

The husband left both you and his mistress.
Your husband doesn’t leave you, but he doesn’t break off his relationship either.
Your husband leaves you for his mistress.
The husband broke up with his mistress, asks him to forgive him and wants to stay in the family.

The first option - he left both his wife and his mistress - it’s just like a meteorite falling on Earth. Rare and enchanting.

The second option is a little more common. The situation is painful for all three. In terms of the level of neuroticism, it is perhaps the most harmful.

The third - the husband left for his mistress - the option is essentially terrible. But getting through it is much easier than when the husband is “undecided.” Yes, it’s hard, but a new life has begun for you - a life in which there are no more lies.

The fourth option - your husband left his mistress for you - is one of the most difficult. It all sounds very good, but you understand that it will not be the same as before. This means that we need to build new relationships, taking into account past mistakes.

Mechanism of betrayal

According to studies conducted on various cases of betrayal, it was concluded that each action has a motive and personal psychological problems. The most striking motive was fear. It is he who encourages people to act not according to moral standards. In such a situation, when you cannot resist a person, the qualities of a weak person begin to work. The second most popular motivation for action is uncertainty and irresponsibility. In some cases, people do not know what to do correctly and choose the easiest way - to transfer responsibility to others. Also, those who have already been betrayed are broken to such an extent that they do not believe in honesty and loyalty in people, because of the fear that they will be betrayed again, they do it more quickly. That is, we can say that one betrayal gives rise to another, it’s a vicious circle.

The desire to maintain seemingly good relationships leads to self-betrayal. For example, take the wives of alcoholics. In an alcoholic state, they do different things. But women endure everything so as not to remain lonely, while killing all their vital resources. Moreover, they are trying to save their husband from alcohol addiction. Most often it is to no avail.

If he's to blame

• It's no secret that many men are, to put it mildly, polygamous by nature. Therefore, for them, sex on the side is not a disaster. This is equivalent to any other vacation - sitting with friends in a bar, watching football, driving around the city at night, etc. That is, betrayal for him is not a personal insult, but simply a physiological action that has nothing to do with his feelings for you.

• A corporate party or any other drinking party, after which a man suddenly finds himself in the arms (or even in bed) of a charming woman. It seemed like I didn’t want to, but something went wrong.

• Sometimes a man who has a permanent woman, wife or lover, can fall in love. Not in you, and not because you are worse. It just happened somehow, by accident. Chemistry.

Options for the development of the event

Types of betrayal

When we think of betrayal, we often imagine sexual flings or dramatic best friend relationships ending in disaster and a TV soap opera finale. However, betrayal is not always so simple, and it does not always happen exactly as shown in films and TV series. Sometimes we betray the people closest to us without even realizing what we have done.

There are different types of betrayal - betrayal of friends, betrayal of a loved one, betrayal of family

Betrayal of a friend and girlfriend

Betrayal based on friendship comes in many forms: from stealing or refusing a job you want to get, to gossip or divulging something you told him in confidence. Such betrayals and disappointments are woven into friendships more often than we think.

In one study, 68% of people surveyed reported that they had been betrayed by a friend at some point in their lives. Even close and loving friends can betray each other - sometimes intentionally, and sometimes without intent or without even realizing what they have done. This happens because friendship involves the interaction of the inner worlds of several people. Each friend's personality, needs and past experiences influence the relationship, and each of us will perceive what is happening differently (sometimes dramatically).

Betrayal of the State

High treason is the act of betraying one's government or association. When rebels stage a coup against the government, it is treason. Speaking against the leader of your country is treason, which is often punishable by death. Betrayal of one's military leader can result in death in some countries and imprisonment and dishonorable discharge in others. In business, conspiring with others to oust an executive or promote oneself is treason.

Betrayal of a loved one

When you discover your significant other's sexual betrayal, it plunges you into pain, loss and grief. Of course, betrayal of a loved one is not limited to just physical connection with another person. This could be a violation of obligations or promises, humiliation, beatings, violence. In this case, the term betrayal is quite broad. Consequences can lead to the following:

Losing trust in your partner

Losing a relationship you thought you had for the rest of your life

Loss of trust in others

Loss of self-esteem

Losing the future you imagined with your partner

Loss of self-confidence

Even loss of trust in higher powers

Some women say it undermines the very basis of trust in everyone and everything

When silence is not golden

As the writer Minna Antrim said, to keep a man in your hands, you must first of all control yourself. You can cry, drawing a line under the relationship with tears. Whatever your iron will, you need tears.

There is no need to worry about anything in silence. If you don’t scream outward, then you are screaming inward, and here you are not far from psychosomatic illnesses. Run away from your condition on the treadmill or swim away on the blue one. Do not transfer responsibility for your life to your relatives and loved ones. There is no need to remain silent, shout out by the railway tracks, tell the story of your life to the open tap in the bathroom or to a random fellow traveler on the train. Contact a specialist or go to confession in church. Get up from the sofa drenched in tears, realize your mistakes, forgive, let go and start living!

It would be good to devote all your energy to your career. Success is a powerful factor in sexual attractiveness. A successful woman is self-confident, internally independent and largely self-sufficient.

What to do after betrayal

The question “How to survive betrayal?” quite popular. Since each of us will face it sooner or later. We can offer the following options and methods:

Establish some detachment. Step back and look at yourself as if you were a helper rather than a victim;
Don't indulge emotions you can't afford. Don't act like you feel worse than you do - or better.
Create an emotional recovery plan. Look at where you are hurting, where you feel hurt, or where you feel victimized, and then work to heal those areas. Don't rely on time to do it for you.
Feel the emptiness inside you and mourn it, but promise yourself that you will fill it.
Look for a confidant who has experienced the same betrayal and come out the other side.
Work to make tomorrow better than yesterday. Don't dwell on the past or what could have been.
Counteract self-pity by serving someone else. Against regret, seek out activities that boost your self-esteem.

An effective way to survive betrayal

Signs of betrayal

In order to prevent a series of infidelities as early as possible and stop adultery, some changes in the behavior of the other half should not be ignored, for example:

sexual interest has disappeared or been reduced to a minimum;
avoiding hugs, light kisses;
new habits;
constantly getting stuck on the phone;
unexpected change of image, perfume, special attention to appearance;
setting passwords and clearing message history;
increased care for the car;
suspicious spending, buying a new car and expensive items;
the appearance of constant business, business trips.

These indirect signs may indicate an impending or accomplished fact of betrayal. Think about what you can do to prevent a tragic scenario from developing.

Is it possible to forgive

Of course, most of us don't forgive. We remember the grievances we have experienced and reconsider our behavior to avoid them. Even if we don't consciously pay attention to the wounds or abusers in our lives, often our body remembers them, and whether we are aware of them or not, they influence the way we live. So instead of banishing our problems, let's rethink how we move forward with our lives.

How to forgive a loved one

Step 1 Decide to forgive

At some point in your life, you've probably told someone you forgive them and meant it, but then the resentment returned and the feeling of forgiveness went away. This is fine.

But if you want to achieve lasting forgiveness, you must make a firm decision to forgive, and this decision cannot be wavered.

Step 2 Clarify the situation

Saying “I forgive you” may be simple enough, but going from there to actually forgiving someone who has hurt you is another matter entirely.

Once you have made a firm decision to forgive, formulate it clearly. At the top of a piece of paper, write your partner's name. Then write down exactly why you forgive him - be specific and detailed. On the back of the paper, make a list of all the reasons why you want to forgive your partner. Once you have a complete list, write your top three reasons on a piece of paper and put it in a place that you, and only you, will see often during your daily life. Remember, if you don't know why you want to forgive, you are more likely to hesitate when things get difficult.

Step 3 Think back to times when you acted in a similar way.

It's entirely possible that you've never done anything as bad to your partner as what was done to you, but you've undoubtedly hurt your partner at some point in the relationship.

We've all done things we're not proud of, and we've all been dishonest in various ways throughout our lives. While dwelling on our mistakes and misdeeds is unhealthy, it can be helpful to review them and remind ourselves that we are not perfect either and that there have been times when we wanted forgiveness. Make a list of times you have done similar things.

Step 4 Let it go symbolically

Reread what you wrote in step 2 and imagine each of your grievances flying into space while saying, “I forgive you.” Once you have let them all go, safely burn the pages and ask a higher power to help you heal your heart.

Step 5 Forgive yourself

If you feel guilty, ashamed, or angry at yourself for something you did in the past, you are not alone. So follow the steps above, but with an emphasis on forgiving yourself. When I encourage people to forgive, I usually hear all the “buts” – “but he did this and she did that.” And all of these “buts” may be true, but if you are serious about freeing yourself and truly repairing your relationship with your loved one, you need to truly forgive them.

You need to understand that forgiveness is necessary so that you yourself can let go of betrayal

How to forgive your mother

Ask - Would you do the same in her place?

Your first reaction may be: “No! I would never treat my daughter the way my mother treated me! I could never be so angry, unloving, stupid or cruel.” And maybe you're right. You are you, so you act and think the way you act. You would probably make a million different choices than your mom. You wouldn't say the things she said or do the things she did. You would never do anything to your daughter that requires forgiveness.

Accept that your mom did everything she could

Your mother may not have given you the love or support you needed as a child, but she did the best she could. Your mother can only give you what is in her own mind, heart and spirit. Is she empty, heartless, cruel or controlling? Your mother is struggling with heart disease. She may be unhappy, bitter, lonely, or even mentally ill, like my own mother. Perhaps her heart is not right with God, and this is affecting her relationship.

I don't know why your mother hurt you, or how long you have been struggling with pain and resentment. But I believe that your mother's actions reflect what is in her heart. If your mom is frivolous or cruel, she has a reason. That doesn't mean you're okay with what she did, or even that you have to forgive your mom for hurting you! But you can soften and heal if you accept that your mother can only give you what she has.

Your mom is who she is

You can't change your mother. Look how difficult it is to change yourself! Growth and healing must come from within, from the inner source of life, strength, love and grace. We cannot force our mothers to change, just as we cannot force ourselves to change. We cannot change our mothers any more than we can change the color of the leaves on the trees.

You can forgive your mother for what she did

It is very difficult to accept your mother for who she is. Allowing your mother to raise you the way she wants, rather than the way you want to be raised, is painful. But it is possible to forgive your mother for hurting you! A conversation with a psychologist helped me.

You need to let go of the problems you have with your mother.

Betrayal as a reason for liberation from addiction

Dependence is a breeding factor for betrayal. The roots of this disease go deep into the psyche and childhood, giving rise to problems such as obesity, alcoholism, and drug addiction. Dependence on bad habits is on a par with dependence on a loved one or a beloved man. People who are more likely to commit betrayals shower love and give false hope for a healthy relationship.

But such people are not at all ready to maintain loving and friendly feelings for a long time. Take, for example, dependence on a man. Often it occurs in women due to the fact that in childhood they were not given fatherly love or the head of the family simply left. Then, when a woman finds a companion in adulthood, she tries in every possible way to hold on to him, because she remembers or feels a lack of love in childhood. As a result, she will endure any pain, insults, just not to be left alone. She develops an addiction. This is precisely what a relationship with an abusive man is based on.

Stay friends

It is a rare case when a man and a woman can understand betrayal in the same way or not attach any importance to it at all. That is, perceive the fact itself as something insignificant, drink beer together, discuss the details and... just remain friends. At the same time, you can continue to live together, communicate and maintain relationships in every possible way. Until you get tired of it.

Although, of course, the only thing that will help you really cope with betrayal, forgive and survive it is time . In the meantime, you are sad and yearning - try not to focus on this, leave the betrayal in the past, in your “yesterday”, find new interests, reconsider your life, try to regain self-confidence and not blame yourself for what happened.

And find yourself a new loved one who will adore and take care of you. Know that he will definitely appear. This is the law of nature - someone new always comes to the vacant place!

Is there any benefit

While relationships are generally better if there are fewer rather than more instances of betrayal, there is one significant relationship benefit that can be derived from the experience of betrayal: betrayal and the behavior of both partners in response to it provide an excellent opportunity to assess the partner's motives. in relation to yourself.

Because betrayal typically pits the motives of the victim and the perpetrator against each other, it often creates circumstances in which people may evaluate a partner's willingness to work to improve the relationship. For example, if the perpetrator of the betrayal is clearly upset by the pain caused to the victim and sincerely makes amends, the victim may become more confident in the relationship than before the betrayal occurred. Likewise, if the victim forgives the betrayal despite having every right to hold a grudge, the perpetrator learns valuable information about the victim's commitment to the relationship. In short, while betrayal often hurts relationships, it can sometimes provide an opportunity to strengthen them.

Don't let yourself get hung up on the act itself.

The next tip on how to survive cheating in a relationship is to try not to think about the act. Although it may seem so easy to say, it is actually very important not to allow yourself to fall into the trap of thinking about infidelity. Knowing the details won't do you any good. And trying to imagine the details of what happened will only increase your feelings of resentment and anger.

It's normal to feel like knowing this whole story will somehow make your life easier. But in reality, what happened has already happened, and knowing the details will only make you feel worse. You can't change what happened, but you can control how you react to it. Focus on the things you can control and keep your mind clear. As a result, you'll be better prepared to make better decisions in the future.

9 stages of living with infidelity and tips for overcoming them

People experience the betrayal of a loved one in different ways : they become depressed, experience shock, and begin to hate themselves and their chosen one. Experiences associated with a lover’s infidelity are divided into 9 stages. Depending on what psychological characteristics a woman has, they become longer, shorter or disappear altogether. Understanding that the emotions experienced are temporary will help ease mental pain and refrain from hasty decisions.

Shock and disbelief - 1

The most standard reaction to a spouse’s betrayal is disbelief, shock, and denial of what happened . Having heard about the betrayal, representatives of the fair sex try not to notice the evidence; they consider this unpleasant news a bad joke or a lie.

This reaction is a defense mechanism . Its duration ranges from a couple of minutes of amazement to 4-5 days of denial. If the wife has long suspected that her husband is going “to the left,” then this phase may be absent altogether.

To avoid shock, you need to know the signs of male infidelity:

unexpected closeness, refusal to talk and explain;
lying without good reason;
the husband tries to avoid joint activities with his wife;
excessive attention to appearance;
avoidance of intimacy;
sudden heavy workload;
unreasonable financial expenses;
aggression, irritability;
suspicious scratches and marks on the body.

Aggression towards oneself - 2

In the second stage, the betrayed woman experiences self-hatred. She feels her insignificance and subconsciously shares the blame for what happened with the cheater, goes over “shoals” and offenses in her memory.

The duration of this stage is from two to three hours to one month. Being at this stage, it is necessary to take into account that “searching for oneself” after betrayal is a defensive reaction of the psyche.

Contemplating betrayal - 3

To avoid feeling guilty, you need to understand how to prevent infidelity and take the following actions:

do not make a scandal, do not blame, talk openly with your beloved;
bring back romance and care into the relationship;
take initiative, diversify your intimate life;
perceive your life partner as an individual, respect his interests;
listen to the chosen one, provide assistance in solving problems.

If all this does not help, the deceived wife understands that she has done everything possible. And then the next stage comes.

Aggression towards the cheater – 4

Women's aggression, which was initially directed at itself, turns to the culprits: an unfaithful husband, a homewrecker, and other people involved in the affair. A woman stops controlling her emotions, starts scandals, and thinks through a plan of revenge. The duration of the fourth stage is quite long and can take from one month to one or two years.

Feeling of no future - 5

Over time, aggression subsides and is replaced by a feeling of constant pressure and stress. The woman feels as if her life is over and there will never be a happy relationship again. This phase is characterized by attempts to maintain the relationship or, on the contrary, avoidance of the spouse.

This period lasts a couple of months, and if the relationship was short-lived, it is often absent.

The desire to return the past - 6

At this stage, there is a desire to return everything to normal. The wife is ready to ask for the infidelity of her beloved, trying to prove that she still loves him. The flaring fire of passion is nothing more than an attempt to keep the beloved. The duration of the stage varies - it may not exist at all, last a couple of weeks, several months or even several years.

Awareness that there will be no previous relationship - 7

In the seventh phase, the wife understands that after the betrayal, the relationship will never be the same again. Despite the flared passion, the woman still feels deceived. It is difficult for her to communicate with her loved one; there is no more trust. Suspicions of new betrayals arise, and during quarrels he remembers infidelity.

If, after the betrayal, the family breaks up, then the fair sex begins to get used to the changes in her life. She forgets her ex, stops suffering, and turns her attention to more important aspects of her life. The duration of this stage takes up to six months.

Exhaustion - 8

The phase of exhaustion occurs regardless of whether the family has survived or not. In the first case, quarrels, stress, endless nagging appear, and coldness arises in the couple. Spouses become indifferent to each other. The stage lasts from 1 to 2 months, sometimes it can last longer, becoming the cause of clinical depression.

Making a decision and stabilizing the situation - 9

The last stage is emotional stabilization. A devoted woman recovers from the psychological trauma inflicted on her and returns to her usual course of life. At this stage, all the nuances are analyzed. If the relationship was able to “survive” to this phase, then the chances of returning to the previous relationship increase significantly.

What not to do after your husband cheats

Of course, this is difficult, but you should restrain yourself and not throw hysterics. You shouldn’t shout hurtful words with teary eyes or beg to change, to think about the children. A woman should not ask for details of infidelity or seek meetings with her husband’s mistress in order to sort things out. This will only bring additional pain, and getting out of this state will be doubly difficult.

A woman’s task after her husband’s betrayal is to keep her mind as sane as possible.

In a calm state, she will know exactly whether she should forgive her husband or turn the page and start a new life.