Don’t withdraw into yourself: how to survive the betrayal of a loved one

The betrayal of a loved one is that unexpected blow of fate that you never expect.

When the one whose heart beats in unison with yours betrays you, when you breathe hard from pain, thoughts obsessively do not allow you to sleep, pain haunts you. She cannot be cured with pills; she will return tomorrow or in a month. And throughout your life, even if the cheater has long been forgiven by you, a thread of memories will stretch. How to survive the betrayal of a loved one, how to start enjoying life at least after some time? Betrayal is the collapse of trust, hopes and feelings. It seems that it is impossible to build strong relationships again if your soul was trampled by a once close and dear person. How to start living simply without tormenting yourself by searching for an answer to the question: “Why, why was I betrayed?”

The main reasons for male infidelity

A detailed analysis of the problem can reveal several dozen different reasons for the second half’s betrayal. The reasons depend on internal psychological attitudes, which lead to infidelity. The most common ones include:

• Problems at work, a midlife crisis, quarrels in the family - a man is looking for a way to relax, trying to escape from reality. At the same time, someone else’s bed here turns into a “shelter” and is perceived as entertainment.
• Sexual dissatisfaction - the stronger sex is offended that the spouses no longer look and behave like they did before the wedding. The passion subsides. Husbands also seek satisfaction of unfulfilled desires, erotic fantasies, which they are embarrassed to admit or which they are denied.
• There are few common points of intersection (hobbies, social circles, life goals and preferences, worldviews) - acute differences in life priorities result in a couple moving away from each other and include the desire to find a like-minded person elsewhere.
• “Everyday life” - monotony, familiarity and predictability of relationships. When daily hassles and routine have long replaced romance, the husband is looking for novelty and freshness of impressions.

Other reasons include:

• the need to assert one’s personality;
• desire to increase self-esteem;
• search for new experiences;
• the desire to take revenge for the infidelity of the spouse;
• the inability or unwillingness to overcome the “instinct” of a predator;
• testing the strength of a marriage, the desire to “shake up” the relationship in this way.

It is very important to understand the reason for betrayal in order to reconsider the model of previous relationships and avoid betrayal in the future.

Does age play a role?

It’s one thing when a person betrays you in your youth, it’s another when you’re 40 years old. Life has already settled down and seems reliable. But it is not over, but on the contrary, it is in full swing. Of course, betrayal brings pain at any age, but at 40 a person already has life experience and wisdom, manages his problems and difficulties. At this age, there are probably already children whose support will not let you fall to your knees.

If you were betrayed by a person at the age of 50, then all that remains is to forget him and let him go, because you have already lived half your life, you are already a philosopher in this area. A woman at this age still attracts men with her beauty and wisdom, especially if, despite her age, she takes care of herself, dresses well, puts on makeup and does her hair. Perhaps right now there will be a desire to go on a trip, or learn a language, or enroll in some interesting courses. The children have already grown up, you are free and independent, so you need not to miss this moment, you need to start living for yourself.

Signs of betrayal

In order to prevent a series of infidelities as early as possible and stop adultery, some changes in the behavior of the other half should not be ignored, for example:

• sexual interest has disappeared or been reduced to a minimum;
• avoiding hugs, light kisses;
• new habits;
• constantly getting stuck on the phone;
• unexpected change of image, perfume, special attention to appearance;
• setting passwords and clearing message history;
• increased care for the car;
• suspicious spending, buying a new car and expensive items;
• the appearance of constant business, business trips.

These indirect signs may indicate an impending or accomplished fact of betrayal. Think about what you can do to prevent a tragic scenario from developing.

Recognizing the situation

Many women try to turn a blind eye to the betrayal of their beloved man. They try to deceive themselves and pretend that nothing happened. In this state, the girl feels unbearable pain, suffers from memories and completes in her mind everything that happened between her husband and her rival. Sooner or later, patience will end - another reaction will appear. This may be panic, anger, confusion, etc. All this is absolutely normal, since it is a response to a traumatic experience. If you continue to deceive yourself, you can lead yourself to irreversible processes when serious diseases appear. Therefore, it is worth accepting and understanding the situation. When this happens, your soul will become much easier.

Behavior strategy by stages

Betrayal by a loved one provokes strong negative emotions and psychological problems. To survive it, the victim needs a “reboot”, a desire to sort out his feelings and reliable support from loved ones.

Stages of experiencing betrayal:

Shock

As soon as it becomes known about the betrayal, resentment, hysteria and anger are not the best advisers. Despite the fact that it is extremely difficult to keep your mind cool and sober, this is the only option to save your family and get out with the least losses. Therefore, take a break for a few days after the tragic event and stay away from your spouse. Analyze your situation, make the right decision and act accordingly.

At the stage of shock, upon hearing about the betrayal, if the woman did not even know about it, she may deny what happened and ignore the evidence. Try with all your might to justify the traitor, going to the extent of ridiculous, delusional explanations, believing that this is a joke. This reaction is a defense mechanism that lasts from a few minutes of surprise to a week of constant denial.

Next, the brightest palette of emotions develops - from a chilling stupor to acute pain in hysterics. In any case, the ground disappeared from under our feet. The period of shock takes up to two weeks and the main thing is that at this moment there is support from loved ones and relatives. Before making fateful decisions, it is necessary to establish a connection with reality.

Aggression

The woman feels guilty for what happened and hates herself. She remembers her mistakes and misdeeds, and internally tries to share responsibility for what happened with the cheater. Does not conduct objective self-analysis.

Further, the aggression is redirected to the culprit and the mistress. Repentance and pangs of conscience are replaced by anger and rage. The spouse loses self-control, creates scandals and showdowns, and commits unusual impulsive actions in relation to the culprits of the problem.

To avoid the negative results of aggressive behavior and not lose your reputation, you should learn to “let off steam” in socially acceptable ways - go to the shooting range, join the gym, sing karaoke with your friends, play computer games.

parting

Reboot

At this time, betrayal is psychologically accepted as a fact. What to do about it and how to behave is the primary question. A typical feature of the period is a constant emotional swing: from the desire to forgive, forget everything, start over with a clean slate, to a decisive desire to burn all bridges and get a divorce.

During this period, love and passion can flare up with renewed vigor, and the “honeymoon” begins. Imaginary well-being is replaced by a feeling of deception, accompanied by quarrels and nagging. A woman constantly remembers betrayal and other negative aspects.

Recovery

The duration of this period is individual for everyone - from a week to many years. The primary goal is that life continues in a calm rhythm, without nervous breakdowns, fear of new betrayal, and old feelings return. It is important to come up with ways to increase self-esteem, make plans for every day and the future. You should not read books, watch books where the topic of betrayal is raised, listen to music that lifts your spirits. Update your wardrobe, change your hairstyle, start a hobby. After some time, everything will be forgotten and life will smoothly go on as usual.

How does a person who has been betrayed feel?

A person who has experienced betrayal goes through several stages.

1. Stage of severe and acute pain. At this stage, you do not yet fully understand what happened to you, but you understand that you have been betrayed. Life became dark and meaningless. There is pain and resentment hidden in your soul. You don't want to communicate with anyone. You need to be alone and digest everything that happened.
2. The stage of resentment. You hold a great grudge against the person who betrayed you; your state is on a par with hatred. If you previously wished the person all the best, now you are demonstrating the opposite reaction.
3. Stage of humility. At this point, you have realized what happened and may be willing to forgive the offender if you think he deserves another chance. Well, if he is not worthy of a second chance, then you need to prepare yourself for the fact that this person will never be in your life.
4. Stage of indifference. If you have never been able to forgive a person, your feelings will fade and gradually disappear. And your emotional and mental state will be restored.

Most importantly, remember that you cannot return the past. There is no need to think about what would have happened if the situation had turned out differently. What happened happened.

To forgive or not to forgive

Forgiving infidelity is a difficult step. You shouldn’t accept a desperate desire to save a dying relationship with understanding and acceptance of wrongdoing. To save your marriage you need to restore your self-esteem, heal from trauma and understand yourself.

Several reasons when reconciliation may be more beneficial than separation:

• the partner feels guilty, sincerely regrets what he did, promises that this will never happen again, and is ready to work to correct the situation as a whole;
• presence of children;
• one-time connection, momentary recklessness, the effect of alcohol intoxication;
• You were in a long, happy relationship before the infidelity.

Do not forgive deception at the beginning of family life or the habit of cheating. If you understand that the relationship is doomed, betrayal is the result of the fact that you no longer have anything in common, you are no longer attracted to each other, then look at this as a reason to break up.

Should betrayal be forgiven?

Should betrayal be forgiven? This is everyone's business. But you must forgive, first of all, for your own sake. Because the thoughts will not go away, and your life will turn into constant experiences. These thoughts will prevent you from building a new relationship with another person who may never deceive you. You need, despite the pain that the person has caused you, to forgive him and let him go. Forgive in order to simply live and enjoy every day.

Surviving betrayal is very difficult. For this to happen, you don’t need to think about it all the time and torment yourself; it’s better to think about the new life that awaits you ahead. A bad experience is also an experience.

How to survive your husband's betrayal

Seven tips to help you forgive your husband’s infidelity:

1.Move away. It is not easy. After all, it seems that the sooner you find out the situation, the sooner it will be resolved, but this is not so. The conversation will simply end in a scandal, hysteria, accusations and “caustic” words that will hurt the offender.

Take a break. Calm down. Walk more, throw yourself into work, let off some steam, go on vacation, spend more time with friends. Once you are able to distance yourself from the betrayer, it will be easier to think clearly about the situation and discuss it calmly with your spouse.

2. Don't suppress your feelings. A frank conversation will help you understand the reason for the action and get emotional release. You need to sincerely forgive your partner and accept the betrayal as a fait accompli, otherwise there is no point in saving the family.

Stop making excuses and believing that the relationship will magically become the same as before. It’s better to think whether you are ready to come to terms with the act and forgive.

To better understand the situation, you can contact a family psychologist or read books on this topic, for example:

• “Infidelity”, Marina Travkova;
• "The chemistry of love. A Scientific View of Love, Sex and Attraction”, Brian Alexander, Larry Young;
• "Right to left." Why do people cheat and is it possible to avoid cheating”, Esther Perel;
• “Bed wars. Infidelity, Sexual Conflict and Relationship Evolution by Robin Baker;
• “Why Men Lie and Women Cry,” Allan Pease, Barbara Pease;
• The Science of Love and Cheating by Robin Dunbar.

3. Don't blame yourself. Refuse to play the victim. Analyze your own actions, since two people are responsible for any rift in a relationship. You need to admit part of your wrongness, but without removing responsibility from the man and without self-flagellation. If your partner persistently or even aggressively accuses you, leave immediately.

You can remember the incident, but you don’t need to always remember the whole painful range of feelings, “scroll” in your imagination the details of how your husband gave love to another. There is no need to come up with options for repeated betrayals.

4. There is no need to compare yourself with your rival. Work on improving your self-esteem. Take care of your own appearance: take a manicure and makeup course, join a gym, update your wardrobe, change your image or style. The new image of a “desirable woman” will attract the gaze of the stronger sex and get rid of complexes.

5. Taking care of your own health will help distract you from negative thoughts after cheating. Physical and mental activity: do a thorough cleaning of the apartment, throw away or donate unnecessary things, take part in a city quest, play board games with friends.

6. Find support. Express yourself to your loved ones, chat on the forum with women who have also experienced betrayal. The problem will not seem so acute and painful if you talk about it very often: to your mother, to a friend, to yourself in front of the mirror, to a psychotherapist.

7.Work on improving your relationship. Start over and build a deep connection between you. Find something in common, share and share each other’s interests, watch a TV series together, read the same books. Go on vacation together.

Couples are brought together by their shared hobbies: tennis, cycling, painting by numbers. You can try something new for you: flying in a wind tunnel, rock climbing, hiking, pottery, baking cakes. Learn to compromise. Look for a middle ground in all decisions. Don't let everything always be the way only one of the partners wants.

Who does a man cheat with?

Many people are inclined to argue that this is not love, since a man allows himself to look in the direction of another woman. If he truly had feelings, such a situation would be impossible. Experts categorically disagree with this, since anything can happen in life, and not every guy is able to resist temptations. There are many reasons:

• Cheating with someone you know. According to statistics, 60% of infidelity occurs with work colleagues. People spend a lot of time together and become very close.
• Traitors do not plan to betray. A man may simply flirt or feel sympathy for a woman and not think about getting closer. This happens unexpectedly, while their marriage still remains a priority for men. 52% of guys think so.
• Sexual dissatisfaction provokes betrayal. This is a very common phenomenon in which a man takes from the side what his wife cannot provide. However, he is not going to part with her.
• Polygamy is a myth. The common misconception that men are polygamous allows guys to lead a promiscuous lifestyle. Scientists have proven that in the process of evolution, a man has a need to pass on his genes where he has the opportunity to personally control the development of his offspring.
• Low self-esteem. Statistics have established that 57% of people assert themselves and increase their self-esteem through cheating.
• Internet. A huge number of betrayals appeared as a result of communication on social networks.

How long does PTSD last?

Professional psychologists advise not to make radical decisions until you have gone through all five stages. For each woman they last for a different period of time. It depends on the age, upbringing and social status of the lady. On average, the path from “shock” to “reconciliation” takes about three months, which is best spent away from your unfaithful husband. Extra quarrels and scandals will only worsen the already difficult state of affairs. You should not approach major changes in life guided by grievances and emotions.

Parting

If cheating is just another unacceptable act, then it is not love. A woman should draw conclusions and decide to break up if a man behaves as follows:

• if betrayals occur systematically;
• the husband is satisfied with everything, he believes that nothing happened;
• if the relationship has completely devalued from the spouse’s point of view, he has ceased to respect and care about his reputation in the eyes of his wife;
• The husband’s betrayal turned out to be not only physical, he has serious feelings for his rival, in this case, separation is a matter of time, since the marriage is doomed.

How to heal from injuries and get back to life

Many women don't know how to trust men after betrayal. There is no need to rush to make hasty conclusions; everything should happen on time. You need to give yourself the maximum amount of time to recuperate. “Rehabilitation” measures include:

• Self-care. You need to eat right, exercise, get enough sleep, and rest.
• Protection from further disappointments. If this is a business partner, it is urgent to check all documents and accounts. In case of adultery, it is necessary to take precautions against sexually transmitted diseases.
• Recourse. You need to tell your loved ones about what happened, seek advice and ask for help. Do not allow this situation to affect relationships with other decent people.
• Revival and hope. The betrayal situation became a turning point in my life. It is crises that sometimes allow us to rethink relationships and move to a new level. Therefore, it is worth taking advantage of this moment and starting life on a new page.

Bring to poverty

Sometimes quite wealthy women literally find themselves on the street. There are men who only know how to earn money this way. Some types of fraud are punishable by criminal charges, others are due to a man’s lack of shame and conscience. But the result is the same - enormous stress from discovered injustice, shaken trust in the whole world and a lack of funds for living in the wallet.

You shouldn’t feel sorry for yourself and cry to everyone you know. Only a business approach, since we are talking about material things. The female psyche is the most flexible material in the world, and nature is practical by nature, psychology does not deceive. The time has come to remember this, and if you have no desire to become a business lady, you can play her role temporarily. Just like in the theater, only convincingly, with inspiration and carefully studying the materials.

Necessary:

1. File a complaint with the relevant authorities if fraud has occurred;
2. Get advice from a lawyer about whether it is possible to return the property or part of it in this situation;
3. Conduct an audit of property and income, optimize expenses;
4. Carefully analyze your abilities, identify those on which you can make money now, plan actions on more promising opportunities that require time or financial investments.

Restoring trust

In the practice of specialists, there are many stories of betrayal by men. And many of them ended in a truce between the spouses. The only problem is rebuilding trust. A whole life could be spent on this. The partner must prove not with words, but with actions that you can rely on him. If a man made a mistake and a woman sincerely believes in it, there is no need to remember old grievances and live with constant reproaches. If a girl doesn’t have the strength to forget everything, there’s no need to waste time rebuilding the relationship. Sooner or later, after much torment, the partners will still separate forever.

Help from a psychologist

It has long been known that women and men perceive the world from different points of view. The former are more emotional, their thoughts pass through the prism of feelings and experiences. The latter think in logical categories. And betrayal, although equally painful for both, is perceived on their part a little differently.

If the husband cheated, the wife most often experiences it very violently - through screams, through tears. And the culprit doesn’t even always observe them - a woman may seem cold and quite calmly put her suitcase on the staircase, but a hurricane will rage inside her, which will certainly spill out.

Psychological assistance when your husband cheats, which can be provided by a specialist, can save you from committing rash acts. A psychotherapist will help you find the reasons that forced the man to take this step. But the reason that a woman manages to instantly come up with for herself often turns out to be even more painful than the fact of betrayal itself.

The psychologist will tell you in which direction you should move forward: should you try to save the relationship, forgive your unfaithful loved one, or is it better to forget about him and start a new life.

But it’s not just men who cheat. And for the husband this is no less a strong blow than for the wife in the event of her husband’s betrayal. The bad news is that men, unlike most women, often seek solace in external factors such as alcohol and available women. Psychological assistance when your wife is cheating will help you avoid such ways of solving the problem, maintain composure and health.

The psychotherapist will tell you how best to perceive this situation, how to forgive the unfaithful half. After all, resentment, regardless of the final result, will prevent both parties from living peacefully.

Control over emotions

The betrayal of a loved one causes a storm of emotions and indignation. A woman begins to show her attitude to everything that happens in different ways, which were mentioned above. You can continue to push yourself and bring your body to the point of exhaustion, but it doesn’t make it any easier. It is worth remembering that everyone is alive and well, nothing irrevocable or deadly has happened. Psychologists recommend pulling yourself together as quickly as possible and not allowing yourself to abuse your body and soul. It is better to think about how to live further and what to do to resolve the situation. If you don’t have the strength to cope on your own, you need to seek help from specialists.

Start earning money.

Having small children or poor health can delay the return to financial wealth, but these days there are many opportunities to work from home, part-time. Charities and social services can help in difficult times. Don't be shy about asking for help, they are created for this. The philosophical principle “this too shall pass” works just perfectly here. Time will pass, efforts will be made and everything will work out.

As for distrust, this is a practical skill that is very necessary in modern society. It is useful to learn to read all the papers for signature and understand the legislation. Check documents from employees, ask for confirmation of statements and proposals too. Pedantry instilled in practice in these matters will help both the woman and her loved ones more than once.

Preparing for an important conversation

A conversation with an unfaithful husband requires maximum preparation and stress on the nervous system from a woman. Keep in mind that during the conversation there may be some pitfalls that you need to be prepared for:

• cheating on a husband is not always a betrayal (many men do not consider physical betrayal a compelling reason to destroy a family);
• denial of guilt (quite often men instinctively shift responsibility for what happened onto the shoulders of their wives and mistresses);
• refusal of a serious heart-to-heart conversation.

Remember that an outburst of negative emotions will have a detrimental effect on communication with your husband; try not only to express your grievances, but also to hear his explanations. Don't try to play any role, it will not lead to a good result. Talk about your hurt, pain, disappointment, but do it calmly and as detached as possible. Don't be afraid to ask your husband questions and hear the answers. Perhaps this conversation will clarify many points in your family that you did not even notice before. Ideally, an honest and open conversation should tell you how to live after your husband's betrayal.