Psychology of relationships between a married man and his mistress

Hello! The relationship between lovers in its inception resembles a game of chance, in which one can notice a mysterious rendezvous and hidden communication. This serves to ignite passion and create a desire to spend as much time as possible together. After a certain time, people acquire common interests, find common topics to discuss, and memories appear that unite people. Communication moves to a deeper level. Despite all this, there is an obstacle to the relationship between a man and a woman - official marriage.

Reasons for external connections

The main reasons for the appearance of a “third wheel” is a person’s desire to compensate for the lack of any components in a marriage:

Mediocre sex. Physical intimacy becomes monotonous over time, turning into marital duty.
Lack of romance. Everyday routine consumes partners, causing a feeling of fading of the tender feelings that were inherent in the beginning of the relationship.
Lack of communication. Spouses minimize or reduce communication to discussing exclusively everyday issues.

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A person selects conditions in which he will be comfortable. In a relationship with a mistress, one is attracted by the opportunity to obtain the missing elements necessary to create an internal, cozy atmosphere of stability.

An understanding, caring woman who is always open to sexual relationships wins against the background of a cold wife who is mired in family concerns. Being comfortable and attractive are the main advantages on which her relationship with her lover is built.

Description of the problem

The psychology of a married lover compares favorably with the behavior of an inveterate bachelor or a conscientious family man, and therefore lends itself to full analysis by a sober-minded lady. Most wives, who have learned from their own experience the problem of triangular ups and downs, consider the main reason for their husband’s infidelity to be polygamy embedded in them (popularly referred to as “getting crazy”). In fact, the root of the problem may be hidden behind a screen of psychological disorders.

Psychology of the connection between a married man and his mistress

In order for a lasting connection to occur, the relationship between lovers must be more than just a fleeting manifestation of passion. They are based on certain mutually beneficial conditions.

From the woman's side

Mercantile interest comes down not only to obtaining material benefits, but also to moral satisfaction from the awareness of some superiority over a rival. As a rule, such women are driven by the desire to increase their self-esteem.

The practical side of such relationships is characterized by the fact that caring for a man is not limited to the daily routine: cooking, washing, ironing. The beloved is already well-groomed and well-fed.

It is beneficial and convenient for a married woman to have a married lover who also hides the relationship, keeping it secret.

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It often happens that a girl has no idea about a man’s marital status. However, when this fact is revealed, she becomes a hostage to the situation. In this case, the woman feels dissatisfaction with her position and a natural reluctance to share her lover with her wife.

From the man's side

Psychology considers the emergence of a relationship between a man and his mistress primarily as a way to escape from everyday problems and difficulties in relationships with his wife. Instead of establishing contact with his wife, a man will prefer to avoid the troubles associated with this in a simpler way.

An affair on the side can be explained by a desire to break up the routine and monotony of marriage. Even without looking at the fact that everything is going well in family relationships, a man strives to get more vivid impressions and emotions.

What does a man expect from his mistress, why does he need her?

If you look at divorce statistics, in many cases men blame their ex-wives for not living up to their expectations. What are these expectations and why is a man so confident that a woman can give it to him? A man wants to see a well-groomed, cheerful and gentle young lady nearby who will not burden him with her problems. She should always be in touch with him and never refuse sex. Some believe that a mistress should also not be a fool in order to have something to talk about, but these are already rare requests from individual aesthetes.

In fact, in a marriage after the birth of a child, it is very difficult for a woman to meet such requirements. She is tired, sick, perhaps also working, but she needs to serve her husband and create comfort in the house. Not all men want to help with the baby and housework. So it turns out that a sad and tired wife can no longer satisfy her husband in any way. Hence the betrayal.

Male psychology is such that the stronger sex does not like to spend a long time understanding the reasons; he simply does what he likes and avoids conflicts. This is how the main reason for the appearance of a mistress arises - dissatisfaction in the family.

Routine relationships prevent a man from relaxing after work and enjoying family life. Moreover, the wife is tired and angry - what kind of romance is there? Therefore, it is easier for a man to find a girl on the side and have a good time than to help his wife solve family problems.

Often in a family, after several years of living together, spouses feel cold towards each other. If a man is a temperamental lover by nature and really loves female attention and affection, but does not receive it from his wife, then he will definitely find a woman who will provide all this to him in the best possible way.

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A mistress can also be a friend with whom it is pleasant to discuss some issues related to work or common interest, while the spouse is far from these topics. Such a connection can last for years, because when people feel good together, they have no need to be separated.

Peculiarities of behavior of a married partner

Relationships that involve a lack of commitment between married lovers become the key to a long-lasting relationship. However, the emergence of claims from one side or another begins to spoil them. As a rule, a woman who initially agreed to play a supporting role sooner or later begins to want to take the place of her legal spouse. Rare and short-term dates are no longer possible, which often leads to demands to end the relationship with his wife.

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Since a man needs to escape from his problems, he seeks what he is deprived of in marriage: satisfaction of his needs, tenderness, care and attention. Most often, relationships with a married lover are at the level of promises and cannot be further developed. He has already constructed a model of his life in which the state of things suits him. He does not intend to make any adjustments or fundamental changes to the already formed comfortable conditions.

Why do women like other people's husbands?

The reason for adultery on the part of a woman is the dissatisfaction of the need for an emotional connection. The need to do housework, raise children, and often work takes a significant part of a woman’s energy and time. Various pleasures become inaccessible, the woman feels left out of life. Especially if the husband behaves coldly, distantly, and does not offer help. Comparing her married life with the families of other women, the dissatisfied spouse decides that she might have better luck with someone else's successful husband.

By dating another man, a woman receives the necessary moral and sexual satisfaction. You can simply have fun with someone else’s husband, without thinking about everyday life, raising children and other things that overshadow a romantic relationship. The presence of a loved one with a legal spouse makes the relationship piquant. A woman feels like a winner, having taken some of the male attention from her wife and achieved reciprocity on his part.

Relationship with a married man: doomed or there is a chance

Having agreed to the role of a married man’s mistress, a woman wages a daily internal struggle and experiences conflicting experiences. You can, of course, raise your self-esteem and console yourself with the fact that the chosen one prefers communication with her to a quiet family way of life, but after each short-term meeting he hurries home. After his departure, the feeling of superiority fades, and the sense of the value of one’s personality begins to arise in doubt.

When thinking about the future, you need to answer yourself:

Is a self-sufficient woman who has not lost her self-respect ready to be part of someone else’s relationship, wasting her life in vain? Do you agree to fight or prefer to be content with the moment?
Is it possible to experience happiness in the future, to calmly perceive the life of a man with two families?
Was the choice conscious? How likely is it that the relationship is just a convenient one, without any responsibility?

At first, an affair brings only positive emotions, vivid impressions and a feeling of kinship with your partner. However, as it develops, dependence on the person may arise. This situation causes abandonment of oneself, complete immersion and focus on the interests of the partner.

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As you become attached to it, the following begin to appear:

Decreased self-esteem. Acceptance and perception of yourself as a backup option.
Intense jealousy. Not only to his wife, but also to the thought of another potential rival.
The emergence of conflict situations due to the need to return to the spouse after a date.
Persistent desire to prove his superiority over his wife.
Loss of interest in one’s life, social circle, interests, work, which leads to internal destruction of the individual.

If a secret relationship lasts for years with your tacit consent, then the chances that your lover will leave the family are practically non-existent. The psychology of a married man is based on stability, and sudden changes contradict it.

For a woman, the decision to take someone else’s husband away from the family should be a balanced and conscious step. At the same time, she must be ready to compete with another woman, to waste effort on destroying the family.

It is important to honestly answer yourself whether it will be easy for her to live with suspicions and fears that the man may find another passion later. Is her intention morally and ethically correct?

Changes in a married lover

A man strives to match his well-groomed lover. The wife’s favorite pies are swept aside, but baked meat is only welcome. This is the psychology of a married lover. Mistresses have a very significant difference from wives - they have their own rich lives, they have a separate social circle, unfamiliar affairs and successes. The wife is always trampling underfoot, worrying about her family and children, grumbling about her mother-in-law and colleagues. You can always put pressure on your missus or demand your marital debt, but your mistress can fly away on vital matters at any moment. The moment of lack of influence gives any man a feeling of ardent thirst, attracting him more and more.

If both lovers are married

An outside relationship involving a married lover and a married mistress is characterized by a connection that does not complicate life.

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This state of affairs is beneficial for many reasons:

Both partners meet solely for sex. They realize and understand this, which eliminates the need to invent any excuses or justifications.
There is no need for courtship or long conversations, as this takes a lot of time.
The atmosphere in such couples is calmer, as there are no misunderstandings or quarrels.
Partners have no desire to destroy each other's legal family, while a lover free from marital ties may demand a more serious relationship. Marital status eliminates such difficulties.
In such relationships, partners will do everything possible so that no one suspects their connection.
It is easy to end such a relationship. In this case, there will be no scandals, tears or complaints.

But when both lovers are not free from marital ties, such an amorous conflict can lead to a far from peaceful ending. If one of them decides to move to a new level of relationship, it could end in the destruction of both families. In this case, there will be more affected parties.

Reasons for cheating with an unfree partner

Since both lovers are legally married, they are in the same position. When deciding to start a relationship, they are guided by:

Confidence in your partner. Married lovers and mistresses understand each other's desires and needs much faster than people who are not burdened with a family. They can become not only romantic partners for their loved ones, but also friends and allies.
Desire to try new things. Cheating with an unfree lover is an atypical romance that causes a strong emotional shock. The desire to re-experience a surge of positive emotions associated with new impressions attracts lovers and encourages them to continue the relationship in order to experience previously unfamiliar sensations. Also, a forbidden connection causes a surge of adrenaline, the feeling of danger is intoxicating and alluring.
Additional guarantee. The presence of official spouses among lovers complicates the development of relationships, but ensures that lovers have an additional anchor that keeps them from committing radical actions that could harm their reputation.

Relationships that develop between unfree people solve two problems at the same time: they give a positive emotional charge and relieve them of the obligations that accompany other types of love relationships.

When a lover is an outlet

The psychology of relationships between long-time lovers over time moves into a state where the initial passions subside, and the man is drawn to the woman out of habit. She created a special cozy atmosphere for her lover, so he feels more comfortable on the side than in the family:

she is undemanding;
I am sincerely glad to see him;
ready to listen and support in any situation;
does not make claims and does not provoke conflicts.

Such an idyll can last for years, but on condition that the girl is silent and patient. As a result, a relationship with a lover becomes like visiting a psychotherapist who helps relieve tension, talk it out, and restore peace of mind. In the current circumstances, the husband does not consider any future prospects with this woman; he does not want to change anything, since he knows firsthand what family life is.

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Who is this mistress anyway? 3

In the times of romanticism, people would have said that mistress is from the word “love,” but modern women whose husbands have been taken away prefer another, more offensive option - “homewrecker” or “bitch.”

A very succinct and understandable description was given by none other than Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky in the novel The Idiot - “There are women who are only suitable as mistresses, and nothing else.” They are completely satisfied with the free format of the relationship, because it is convenient and easy.

The lover does not need to cook dinners, pick him up from work and even worry about whether he is spending time with another lover. Initially, a woman understands her situation and, more often than not, does not strive for more, because she is already sure of failure.

Contrary to the prevailing stereotypes in society, a mistress is not always a lady in couture clothes and thin high-heeled shoes, languidly batting her eyelashes and luring married men into her network. This is most often a simple girl or woman who works with a man, or meets representatives of the opposite sex in companies or cafes.

The decision to have a girlfriend on the side does not come instantly. Mistresses are often radically different from a homely, cozy, good and warm, but such a boring wife and that is why they are interesting.

With such a woman, he is distracted from everyday and work problems and worries, has fun, and relieves accumulated tension.

A guide for girls on what a mistress should do to become an ideal woman is in our article at the link.

When the choice is between family and kept woman

When a wife finds out about her husband’s infidelity, he is left with a choice: go to his mistress or save the family.

According to statistics, most often a man prefers to stay married because:

You have your own furnished housing, your everyday life has been established, and there is no desire to lose it and build it all over again.
They have common children. Despite a problematic relationship with his wife, a man will not abandon his children if he is a caring and loving father.
The influence of relatives is felt, who instill and paint unseemly prospects for change.

The psychology of a married man in relation to his mistress is such that targeted demands, instructions, provocations of conflict situations, as well as constant reminders of promises to divorce will not lead to the desired effect.

This will lead the man to the idea that a relationship with his mistress is not only not very different from his situation with his legal wife, but will also bring him even more problems in the future.

Who are you, homewrecker?

Wives always imagine a woman from the cover of magazines in lace lingerie, stiletto heels and stockings, with long hair and sharp claws, greedily looking at a simple worker from a factory. Reality breaks all stereotypes. Often this is an ordinary woman with a neat hairstyle, an ordinary figure and sad eyes without sparkle. Why sad? Yes, because there is no happiness. There is no one who will warm you for at least an hour, there is no man in the house and not even a hint of his presence.

Of course, there is always the described category with greedy eyes, but they are one step higher and do not look at a simple guy and family man with 20 years of experience. The moral side of a relationship with a married man should be lowered immediately and not brought up, arguing “how could she do this insidiously.”

There is a connection, it happened, and you need to figure out how the perpetrators of the love triangle themselves treat their mistresses and who has a better chance of continuing the relationship. The mistress herself may be even more unhappy than the wife who finds out about the betrayal. She has no happiness in her life, only work and maybe children, but sometimes there are none, just a cat. And suddenly, like a bolt from the blue, He appears.

The one she dreamed about at night, or someone simpler, willing to have sex and a relationship, no, that’s what’s important if there’s no one. He comes to her, caresses and hugs her, spends time in bed, discusses exciting topics and goes back. Often he doesn’t say anything, doesn’t promise anything, is silent and looks guilty, because he’s leaving for the legitimate one. The beautiful story of “living happily ever after” falls apart every time the door slams and loneliness reigns in the room again.

How can a mistress become a wife?

By acting gently and carefully, you can influence a man, showing him the advantages of a future life together, in which there will be no new problems. You need to build a line of behavior in such a way that he himself wants to stay.

Dramatic changes in life are scary. Before you decide to transfer the relationship from the status of lovers to the status of a married couple, to build a strong, long-term relationship with a married man, you need to act slowly.

First of all, you need to show respect for his decisions, give him the opportunity to choose, allow him to do as he considers necessary. Pressure or imposing your opinion is a waste of time.

In addition, you should not:

burden with your problems;
criticize, ridicule or speak negatively about his spouse, thereby disrespecting his choice;
start quarrels, showing your jealousy;
insist on dating when it is really impossible;
show impatience, exert pressure or attempt to manipulate through whims or unreasonable insults;
intrude, look for random encounters.

Problems are the root of betrayal

A common root cause of infidelity is problematic parental relationships:

A child can constantly be a participant in parental swearing, during which the most unpleasant incidents from their private life are revealed. The result of such a “happy” childhood will be the inability to perceive family conflicts. In his own family, an adult man in moments of acute situations will subconsciously seek refuge, where he is accepted with his whole basket of bad habits and shortcomings. Skillful mistresses build their own behavior precisely on this foundation - the more demanding the spouse, the more loyal the passion from the outside.
Parents, busy with social and work activities, forget to open their souls to their child. Lack of respect, sudden changes in the family climate and unexplained actions instill the concept of artificiality into the fragile child's mind. Marital fidelity does not receive clear boundaries and any difficulties undermine the already unstable peace of the family.
Unsuccessful first sexual experience. Many do not accept the possibility that the psychology of a married lover directly depends on the behavior of the first woman. In the case when a girl openly expressed dissatisfaction, especially in the form of bullying, the man’s subconscious is constantly in a state of searching for confirmation of his own status. Mistresses are often more talkative in bed, having analyzed the possible needs of a married suitor, they clearly build a line of encouragement and, if successful, glorify his masculine potential.
The child absorbed the example of a weak father. There are often cases when a boy was brought up under the strict control of his mother, who clearly laid out the line of matriarchy. An adult man is no longer able to move away from an oppressive relationship, so the mistress acts more like a sexual psychologist. Having discussed his own troubles and the futility of married life with a beautiful woman, a married lover reinforces all conclusions with rich love joys, which allows him to continue to humiliate himself in the circle of his own family.

How pregnancy will affect

A woman on the side is attractive because it is easy to get distracted with her, she does not create difficulties. The relationship between lovers is characterized by a pleasant pastime, but a pregnant woman is a delicate situation for a married man. A complexity arises due to which the main meaning of an extramarital affair is lost.

One should not assume that this child will be of more importance to a man than existing children. There is no need to hope that in this way you can apply pressure and begin to manipulate his feelings.

Experiencing ease of communication, as well as a feeling of gratitude towards an understanding, patient and attentive lover, a man will make a conscious choice that he will not regret later.

An affair between married people outside of marriage

The relationship between spouses undergoes changes with each new year of marriage: from the phase of intense love to mature conscious love. Not every marriage can go through relationship phases that bring pleasure and personal fulfillment to the spouses.

Often, after a few years, a husband and wife begin to doubt the correctness of their choice of a life partner. For some, dissatisfaction with the family remains unexpressed, while others solve the problem in a different way: having an affair on the side.

An affair between a married man and a married woman is an attempt by people to take advantage of a second chance. When meeting with a person in an equal position, lovers easily understand the problems and needs of the chosen one. Such meetings renew feelings, inspire, and allow you to reevaluate your views on family and marriage.

Is it worth maintaining a relationship after a breakup: advice from a psychologist

Any such connection is a certain stage of life, parting with which is not easy. Many people wonder whether it is worth maintaining acquaintances after a breakup.

The psychologist's advice on what to do in such a situation is clear: there is no need to open a living wound, looking for reasons to meet again, in order to preserve the past, it is better to stop communicating.

This is due to the following circumstances:

This connection is reminiscent of alcohol or nicotine addiction; to get rid of it, it is necessary to completely eliminate the influence of the irritating factor.
Attempts to extend the acquaintance will make your partner feel pity.
The faster you break, the easier the subsequent recovery will be.

There is no need to look for reasons to meet: try to give something for the anniversary of meeting, return to give away a borrowed book, call, write.

After a while, if your ex-lover wants to restore mutual communication, remain friends - the feelings will have cooled down without causing pain.

After breaking up, it is recommended to completely eliminate contact with the former object of passion.

Love affairs arise spontaneously, not always improving family life and bringing happiness.

You should think seriously before entering into an intimate relationship, especially if you are connected by family ties.

Why choose a married woman as a mistress?

Thanks to beneficial harmony, a relationship with a married woman is complemented by purely external factors. Such a lady completely rejects going out to crowded places and does not require pretentious parties, frisky races or spa resorts. The list of expenses of a married man is qualitatively reduced and easily fits into the family budget, especially if the legal spouse scrupulously controls it. Men are also attracted to the relaxedness of married mistresses.

Animal interest in the forbidden ripens on both sides, giving the intimate relationship a “tasty” spice. The psychology of a married lover is built on the same classical laws - when one’s wife constantly talks about her age (both in social matters and in bed), the ego demands the satisfaction of the most ambiguous desires.

Why do such relationships end?

A secret life cannot be maintained for years, although there are exceptions. Often, lovers' relationships end. And there are good reasons for this:

One of the partners eventually begins to demand more than just sex and secret meetings.
Expectations and reproaches arise. This behavior is more typical of women who forget that they are dating lovers and begin to behave as if they are official women.
Feeling tired or frustrated. If a person becomes satisfied with a relationship, then he will be ready to break it off.
The appearance of a new mistress or lover. If someone gets a brighter and more interesting partner for a love affair, then their relationship will collapse.
If one of the partners begins to create problems and burden you with some unnecessary things.
If the partner is not interesting in himself, except for sex.

How to break off a relationship?

It is not so easy to decide to break up with your lover or mistress. Still, it wasn’t just the bed that connected you: emotions, tenderness, pleasant words. But sooner or later you have to make a difficult choice, and if it is made in favor of the family, then this is truly a wise decision. To protect yourself as much as possible from negative consequences, you must develop the right tactics for breaking up. How to properly break a connection:

Talk in person. You shouldn’t disappear by throwing a person on the blacklist. This is so humiliating and offensive that it can cause a just wave of anger and a thirst for revenge. An abandoned SMS and a short telephone conversation are also not the best option. Show respect and invite your lover or mistress to your last date. You must calmly, without complaints or quarrels, explain your point of view and thank them for all the good things that happened between you.
Break off the relationship if your partner does not agree. Not a single piece of advice on the psychology of relationships between a woman and a lover or a man and a lover will give you a guarantee that you will separate peacefully if necessary. You shouldn’t pull the cat by the tail if you see your partner’s desire to keep you. Tear everything up at once, even if it hurts, but the sooner the relationship ends, the sooner the suffering will be released. Reducing the number of meetings, arguing with or without reason, disappearing and appearing - all this is not suitable as a wise solution to breaking off relations with lovers.

The psychology of relationships between lovers is quite complex. Both participants in such a relationship play a dangerous game on each other's feelings. No matter how long the relationship between lovers lasts, parting for one of them will most likely be painful and will leave an imprint on their future life. Therefore, think about where such a union can lead you and whether you need to continue to live in tension and expectation of a miracle.