Tormented by conscience after betrayal: what to do and how to continue living

If the betrayal of a husband is perceived, although painful, but tolerable, then betrayal of a husband by both parties is considered something unforgivable. And there are several reasons for this. Firstly, men are owners and egoists. Secondly, women do not have a basic instinct aimed at passing on their genes to the maximum number of partners. This is why women are so often tormented by their conscience after cheating. Let's figure it out what to do about it.

Reasons for women's marches to the left

If male traitors are driven mainly by instincts, then for women it is more and more difficult. It can make you fall into the arms of another:

Self-esteem and lack of attention from a loved one. They don’t pamper their wife, don’t say beautiful words, don’t kiss them before leaving for work? Then she simply stops loving herself and will look for tenderness from someone who is ready to give it. Also, it is not often that those wives whose halves prefer work to family and disappear for days at a time go to the left. A woman needs tenderness and warmth;
Age. Young wives are more likely to take a left turn, because they are potentially still looking for a partner, so you shouldn’t get married at too young an age;
An example of a mother or friends. If a girl grew up with a mother who constantly changed men, she will perceive this as the norm and simply copy it. The same applies to female companies, where it is the norm to have a lover;
Treason in response. The idea is stupid, but sometimes the wife does not see how to take revenge in any other way. Here one may wonder whether the husband’s conscience torments him for his trips to the left;
Dissatisfaction in bed. Yes, a woman also needs bed fun, and more than once a month;
Nice colleague. He can show signs of attention constantly or “like” him during a corporate party, after a certain dose of alcohol. The same applies to cheating on vacation if the wife goes on vacation alone. Just weakness lasting a few minutes;
If a woman is the head of the family. Today, such role reversals are a common occurrence, so a wife can simply play with a man;
Long separations from your loved one;
New love. This also happens, but it is unlikely that a wife will agree to such a relationship if her husband is completely satisfied with her.

In any case, a wife’s betrayal always signals the limit and a serious crisis in a relationship.

Do something that matters

Instead of hating yourself, what can you do to help your spouse? For example:

give you the opportunity to control your movements and contacts.
become the kind of wife your spouse wants you to see.
work tirelessly to restore trust in the relationship.
Implement many things that will comfort your husband and demonstrate love.

If you cheated on your husband and don’t know how to get rid of the guilt, use all your energy to improve the relationship, and not to harm it.

The next time you feel hate and anger driving you, instead of doing something self-destructive, do something nice for your husband:

Instead of getting lost in your thoughts, call your spouse and tell them how much you love them.
When overwhelmed with difficult thoughts, make sure you do everything you can to eliminate doubts about your fidelity.
When you are angry about your actions, make sure that your future actions are ones you can be proud of.

The best way to ensure that hatred subsides is to meet it with love.

How to act

So, the worst has already happened and we are faced with the question: what to do? Start solving the problem by asking whether you love your spouse and whether you are ready to continue the relationship and “fix” it. There are many options on how to act, but first of all, answer yourself, why did you cheat on your loved one? Believe me, he is also guilty and you have something to cover up with. Unfortunately, a man will never admit this, but in any case, you cannot handle family crises alone. Let him also work on common problems.

The most correct option is to remain silent in a rag. It is especially appropriate if the betrayal occurred against the background of negative emotions, resentment or alcohol. No, you must realize your own guilt and atone for it with your tenderness and love for your significant other, but not tell her about what happened. By the way, my friends too;
If there is even a tiny chance that he will find out about this, tell him. Perhaps your spouse will forgive you. In this case, cheating can become a reason for serious work on your relationship and the key to resolving many common problems. The main thing is to convince your loved one that everything happened due to circumstances beyond your control: an impulse after an insult, revenge for your husband’s flirting with another girl, alcohol. Well, admit your stupidity and tell him that there is no one better than your husband and you don’t want a divorce. Just know that the owner-husband is unlikely to forget this. In fact, most husbands, having learned about adultery, are ready to immediately part with their beloved wife, even if they love her. Then they will suffer, but damaged male self-esteem plays a big role. Having told and worked through the problem, never remind him of this story again;
You can also just leave. This is appropriate when love has already passed. And it’s not at all necessary to leave for someone else. The most interesting thing here is that some couples who separate after a serious crisis often reunite and are able to live better than before. In any case, a temporary separation will help you look at everything differently.

Understand the reasons for cheating

There is always a choice, even in difficult circumstances. Of course, the marriage may have had its problems, but there were several options available to combat it. Often people cheat due to low self-esteem or other personal subjective shortcomings. They cheat because they feel that they are somehow behind others and hope that adding some spice to life will make them feel more confident.

Often this root cause is not realized by traitors and is denied. But cheating almost always has more to do with internal personality traits than with the spouse or the state of the relationship.

To get rid of the guilt of cheating, understand that you did not set out to harm him.

Female infidelity can be prevented

Try to drive away all thoughts about going to the left during quarrels and even if your spouse offends you. It is important to understand here that what we perceive as an insult, men may not see it as such. Therefore, psychologists say that we are not offended, it is we ourselves who are offended.

There is one more important point. Don’t be silent - talk through everything that doesn’t suit you in the relationship. The husband will not understand anything without words. Don’t be shy about expressing your dissatisfaction right away; it’s better than accumulating it and doing stupid things on this basis. Being sincere and not remaining silent about your dissatisfaction is one of the pillars on which a happy family rests.

How long does guilt last after cheating?

No one will give you an exact answer to this question. Emotions are unpredictable things. Some suffer for years and cannot control themselves. For some, a few weeks is enough. The severity of the experience depends on several factors. I will name some of them.

Quality of relationship with spouse. Some couples live like cats and dogs. In such a family there is no mutual understanding, support, love, in the end. The spouses behave like neighbors, and no one expects changes for the better. In this case, the betrayal can be quite conscious, and the feeling of guilt is minimal.
The fact of a spouse's betrayal
. Some ladies don't know how to accept their lover's terrible act. Alas, they find nothing better than to answer their partner in kind. By agreeing to intimacy with another man, they want to take revenge on their spouse, to make him experience the same pain and suffering that they themselves experience. Why is there no feeling of guilt after cheating on your husband in this situation? Because guilt is slightly dulled by other negative emotions: anger, hatred, resentment.
Honesty.
There are girls who immediately admit to a man what they have done. And there are those who are silent because they are afraid of the consequences. In the first case, it becomes a little easier for the woman because she is frank with her husband. In the second, it is extremely difficult for a girl to live with a lie, so guilt can literally destroy her from the inside.

How to live further?

So this has already happened. Your task is to maintain the relationship. What can be done?

Work on your own mistakes. You shouldn’t engage in self-eating, it’s better to analyze your own life. If after drinking alcohol you feel adventurous, declare prohibition and do not get involved with companies where they like to drink. If you work with young, handsome guys, you might want to change jobs. Even bed affairs can be diversified if desired, and it doesn’t matter how many years you’ve been married;
Keep your mind busy with something else. If the thought of the betrayal that happened constantly gnaws at you like a worm, try to shift your thoughts to something else. The best way to help with this is a new hobby.
Surrender to time. It heals. You can't change anything anymore. Just because of this, you shouldn’t kill yourself for a long time. If it’s really bad, then there are psychotherapists or priests, like people who will definitely listen;
Dedicate yourself to your family and your loved one. You can remember the period when your relationship was just beginning. You can also simply reboot them. How - figure it out yourself;
Ignore everything that reminds you of your betrayal. Remove your lover’s phone number from your book, delete him from social networks, avoid those cafes where you met and those streets where you walked;
No matter how hard it is, don’t dump anything on your spouse. As a last resort, share with a trusted friend or even just a stranger who will bury your secret forever. Or he'll just forget. But it will become easier for you.

By the way, psychologists believe that the best option after betrayal is to try to restore the relationship. After all, you have already gotten used to each other and are used to it, and perhaps you have already developed some mechanisms for living together. In addition, only a few years after the start of a relationship does true love begin. This option will be the most convenient for you, your children, and your husband. The difficulty is that not all husbands are ready.

Also, remember that each betrayal is a separate and unique story, so there is no single answer to the question of what to do if this happens, and it will not be possible to row everyone with the same brush. In any case, you can always consult a psychologist. The main thing is to do this together with your husband. You can only maintain a happy family if you work on it together.

Why do you feel guilty after cheating?

Betrayal always hits relationships, erases all the bright moments, and alienates partners from each other. Some are trying to restore their marriage, while for others it is unbearable to even think about what happened. Both experience the most conflicting emotions.

Feelings of guilt after betrayal occur in both men and women. Such a feeling cannot be measured or weighed. Everyone considers himself guilty as much as his conscience, moral principles, and upbringing allow him.

It is believed that men more easily experience internal contradictions regarding their unseemly behavior. The excuse that is used is that men are polygamous. Like, you just have to come to terms with their moves to the left. It's either a matter of female infidelity. An unfaithful lady is condemned with the most scathing epithets. This means that the feeling of guilt after cheating on her husband should haunt her for the rest of her life.

In fact, everyone experiences mental anguish because of their offense, regardless of gender. After all, the couple lived together many good and bright moments. Plus, everyone realizes their responsibility for the relationship. This is why there is no way to escape from guilt.

Why did it happen

Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky believes that the reason for betrayal is very important. And you shouldn’t think that women are thin and airy creatures who cheat only out of love!

A woman needs intimacy. And my husband’s libido is lower. Remaining on dry rations for a long time, such representatives eventually decide to get pleasure on the side.
Wants to grow in his own eyes. Such women believe: the more fans they have, the more “goddesses” they are. True, the effect of such “therapy” is short-term...
Takes revenge. For assault, greed, intemperate language. In this case, women often choose lovers from their husband’s circle (relatives, friends).
Unhappy. My husband doesn’t offend me, but he doesn’t particularly love me either. Let's say he lives at work, doesn't give compliments, doesn't understand... It matters here how old the marriage is. If your wife begins to feel bored immediately after the painting, it means she made a mistake by marrying the wrong man - or her demands are too high, and she needs to seriously work on the relationship. If feelings have cooled at 10-20 years of age, most likely your husband is also secretly cheating.
It just happened that way (say, because I was drunk). If a woman has brought the situation to such a logical conclusion, it is likely that she is initially prone to infidelity, and it will be repeated.
A big, bright feeling. In this case, betrayal is unlikely to be the only one. But since this is love, it means you no longer love your husband. Then there is no point in saving the marriage.

To forgive or not to forgive

Forgiving betrayal is not an easy step. Accepting and understanding the action will help you heal from trauma, understand yourself, and restore self-esteem. It is important not to confuse forgiveness with a desperate desire to save a dying relationship.

The best option is to break up, but without anger or resentment towards your ex.

These feelings poison life, interfere with the formation of new relationships, and constantly remind you of the fact of betrayal, so you need to get rid of them.

More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.

Tips to help you forgive and survive betrayal:

Accept betrayal as a fait accompli. To sincerely forgive your partner, you need to stop looking for excuses and hope that the relationship will incredibly return to its previous course. Instead, a person should come to terms with the act and understand whether he is ready for forgiveness.
Don't hide your feelings. A frank conversation with the offender will help not only to understand the reasons for what happened, but also to ease the pain and gain emotional release. After hearing the traitor's version of events, a person will more easily understand the motives of his actions.
Refuse to play the victim. Cheating is a serious offense that cannot be justified, but two people are responsible for any discord in a relationship. To forgive a partner, a person needs to analyze his own actions, admit his part of the guilt (but without self-flagellation and removing responsibility from the traitor).
Move away. Distance yourself from the traitor, stop thinking about him, emotionally invest in other people - children, parents, friends, a new passion. Then the pain from betrayal will subside, attachment to the “criminal” will disappear, and it will become easier to forgive him.

Forgiveness should not be forced - it must come from the soul. If a person does not want or cannot stop blaming his partner for this act, he should also come to terms with this.

The easiest way is to forgive your own betrayal.
More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.
© Kristina Kofta

Merciless Judge

Of course, not all mistakes can be corrected. And then the feeling of guilt covers up helplessness and powerlessness to change anything. For example, people faced with a serious illness and death of loved ones blame themselves for not doing everything to save them. And this happens even if it was impossible to actually do anything. If a person does not have a guilt complex brought up from childhood, such experiences are replaced by grief and acceptance of what happened. Otherwise, the trauma of loss can last for many years, burying the person alive under the weight of non-existent guilt.

Confess or remain silent

Psychologists advise: if you want to save your family, it’s better to keep everything a secret. And even if you decide to confess, first think about everything three times.

And further! It’s better not to consult with your girlfriends. First, you will give them information that can later be used against you. Secondly, one of them might accidentally spill the beans to your husband. If you decide to keep everything a secret, it is better to talk to a family psychologist.

Having decided to save your family, it is important to understand the reason that pushed you to cheat and eliminate it. Otherwise, this offense will be repeated again and again until you are caught red-handed.

But what you shouldn’t do is gnawing and reproaching yourself. Try to distance yourself from thoughts of cheating. Spend more time with your husband, you can directly ask him for attention.