A large number of married couples suffer from lack of trust in each other. The reason very often is the suspicion of a husband or wife of infidelity. Sometimes such thoughts are completely groundless, and sometimes they have quite good reasons. Women always feel very keenly any changes in their husband’s behavior, and immediately attribute such signs to the appearance of another woman on the side. Although, on the other hand, a man may simply be very tired at work, or he may have some problems. After all, you don’t want to seem like a hysterical person who starts scandals out of the blue either. After several such scenes, the husband may not go to his mistress, but simply to nowhere. But there are still suspicions, and you can’t get rid of them so easily. So what to do if you suspect your husband of cheating?
Statistics say that men are more inclined to have affairs. It can sometimes be quite difficult for a woman to get rid of obsessive thoughts in her head, especially if her husband really gives reasons for jealousy. At some moments, a woman may realize that she suspects her husband of cheating . And what to do in such a situation? Trying to cope with negative thoughts on your own? Hire a detective for surveillance?
Nowadays, to understand a person, it is enough to study his social networks. We would like to tell you about a very effective tool that will help you easily collect information about a person on his social networks.
It is very difficult to openly argue with someone you love.
Confronting a loved one is always difficult. Especially if you have to blame your partner for something that could potentially ruin your relationship. Psychologists always teach us to talk openly about our problems so that they do not accumulate and turn into a snowball. But is it worth accusing your partner of infidelity if instead of evidence you only have suspicions?
This is the situation faced by 33-year-old Christina McGuinness. One day she saw photographs of her husband standing in an embrace with another woman. Christina felt so bad from what she saw that she almost lost consciousness. And yet she decided not to express her suspicions and keep the problem quiet. Why? It was just hard for her to decide on open confrontation with her husband.
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“It wasn’t about my forgiveness or trust,” says Christina. “I didn’t think about my feelings at the moment when I made the decision. I just wanted my children to have the father I never had. So I pretended that I had never seen these photographs. And now that I was able to forgive the offense, my marriage has only become stronger and more reliable. So I don’t regret the decision I made.”
How to live after betrayal: advice from a psychologist
The most difficult question for a devoted wife is how to live further, in full confidence that her husband is cheating? The obvious solution here is divorce. Not everyone can sincerely forgive the deception of a loved one. If it is not possible to maintain the previous trusting relationship, then it is undoubtedly better to part ways.
But what if a woman doesn’t want to end the relationship? It is necessary to understand that a similar situation may repeat in the future. If you want to be married to this particular man, you need to accept and let go of what happened. Otherwise, life will turn into absolute hell with endless reproaches and scandals. Take the test and find out what your chances are of getting your husband back. When a married couple has children, parents will have to make every effort to maintain normal communication so that the stress is not passed on to the kids. The discord between mom and dad will definitely have an impact on the children.
Should you speak openly about your suspicions of cheating?
Christina's example, of course, may seem inspiring. But it’s not always worth hushing up your suspicions. Ignoring the problem can hardly be called the best way out of the situation, even if you are doing it for the sake of your children and their future.
Lucy Beresford, psychotherapist and relationship expert, agrees with this thesis. “I believe that the habit of hushing up dissatisfaction in a marriage will not lead to anything good,” she says. — The more problems you accumulate, the less you communicate with your spouse. And this has a bad effect on feelings and overall intimacy. If you deny problems, it will sooner or later destroy your relationship."
Silencing problems is not the same as solving them. You do not get rid of the resentment, but hide it deep inside yourself. There they will continue to grow, giving rise to ever new suspicions. The more you worry about your partner's fidelity, the more anxious you will become. Constant worry is bad for your emotional state.
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Covering up problems also damages your self-esteem because you stay in relationships that are toxic to you. “In other words, you don't see clarity in your future and don't feel safe with your spouse,” says Lucy.
He smiled while looking at another woman
Here we are not talking about a smile out of politeness, which we give to our acquaintances, relatives and friends according to the rules of etiquette. And we’re not even talking about a fleeting glance at a girl passing by. I'm talking about the gentle, warm and all-encompassing look that a man gives you when he doesn't look at you. Perhaps there is even a barely noticeable sadness in this look.
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If you are faced with such a problem, and it concerns a close friend, work colleague or simple acquaintance, you can rest assured: your man has strong feelings for her, although he may not be fully aware of it himself. This young lady arouses his noticeable sympathy, he would like to possess her, he is simply not yet able to do so. And the main word here is “yet.”
Even if they don't know each other, rest assured: this is the beginning of the end. It is important to understand that guys are not able to switch their feelings; someday desire will triumph over reason. Be careful not to find yourself in a love triangle.
If you don't have evidence, don't dump all your suspicions on your partner.
And yet Lucy does not deny that there are times when it is better to remain silent about your suspicions of treason. This applies to cases where a woman does not have evidence confirming her partner’s infidelity.
“Consider the case of Christina,” says the psychologist. “She saw a photograph of her husband standing in an embrace with an unfamiliar woman. Does this indicate cheating? Hardly. Of course, there could be something big between them, but Christina had no evidence. Therefore, she decided not to undermine trust with her suspicions. Perhaps Christina would have acted differently if the fact of betrayal had been supported by more significant evidence.”
When you accuse your partner of cheating, you are openly saying that you no longer trust him. This has a detrimental effect on relationships. By making complaints, you make your partner defensive and make excuses when in fact he did nothing wrong. If such attacks become regular, he will probably think about breaking up. After all, relationships without trust have no meaning.
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Lovereport.ru
Do you suspect your husband of cheating, but there is no evidence? Lovereport is one of the most effective ways to check your soulmate. Using this online service, you can very quickly collect information about any social network user and his activity in relation to other users. It is also possible to find the desired account on social networks by photo. The service guarantees complete anonymity of the service provided: the person you verified will never know about it. You will receive a full report, which will indicate:
- accounts with which the person being verified communicates the most, likes;
- recently published posts by the user, the most active commentators on these posts.
- You can also find a profile by photo, study its activity and a large amount of additional information.
You can check your soulmate on one or several social networks: Instagram, VK, dating sites.
This is a really good thing for convicting a spouse of cheating or an opportunity to make sure of the fidelity of your other half.
Don’t bring up old grievances if you decide to forgive the betrayal
“You absolutely cannot hush up your offense if you know for sure that there has been betrayal,” continues Lucy. - When you ignore betrayal, you unwittingly let your partner know that you encourage such behavior. Even if you decide to forgive him, you need to talk and tell him about your feelings.”
Another important nuance: forgiven betrayal cannot be used as an argument for future quarrels. There is no need to reproach your partner for infidelity if you decide to save the marriage. Letting go of betrayal is always difficult, so it is important not to stir up old quarrels.
“Once you've talked and decided to stay together, it's important to look to the future without looking at the past,” says Lucy. “You won’t be able to save your marriage if you don’t work through old grievances.” You will return to them over and over again, and this will completely undermine the trust in your relationship.”
What not to do when testing your husband's fidelity
Wives, tormented by suspicions, often choose the wrong line of behavior, as a result of which they make a lot of mistakes. In this case, there is no desired result - the beloved remains silent like a partisan. Since women are very emotional by nature, they tend to rush things and throw scandals as soon as they find the first confirmation of their doubts.
Psychologists recommend keeping yourself in control and behaving with dignity. If you cannot cope with betrayal on your own, it is better to seek help from a professional psychologist with extensive experience in the field of family relationships. He will help you cope with the pain, accept what happened and draw the right conclusions about whether it is worth saving the family. Take the test and find out what your chances are of getting your husband back
Talk to your partner about what he considers cheating.
Forgiving betrayal is not the same as covering it up. In this case, you do not swallow the fact of betrayal, but work to solve the problem. You acknowledge that you may feel hurt and depressed, but you are still willing to talk about what hurts you.
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“In my practice, women were often hesitant to talk because they were afraid that their complaints would ruin the marriage,” says Lucy. “I always advised raising an unpleasant topic carefully. Don't start with accusations. Ask your partner what exactly he considers cheating. Maybe you are hurt by the fact that a man is hugging another woman in a photo. But for him, such hugs are simply an expression of friendly affection.”
He was acting ruder than usual
After several years of marriage, “bunnies”, “kittens” and “suns” simply disappeared, and they were replaced by other nicknames: “hysterical”, “sick” and so on. My husband stopped taking an interest in my mood and well-being. Most of the time he was depressed, taking out his anger and his nerves on me. Among relatives, he no longer supported me (as if we were on opposite sides of the barricades), in the presence of friends he could allow himself unflattering statements about me, too personal stories that concerned only us and which offended me, he could throw offensive jokes.
He wasn't like this before. I tried to bring him into dialogue, hugged him and tried to talk. He refused, did not want to cooperate, accused me of being biased and taking his “ordinary” words too seriously. This meant that he had another. And, the worst thing is, I knew her well, she was my friend, about whom he never spoke ill.
It is worth understanding that male infidelity changes the behavior of the partner. Pay attention to this.
Constantly pay attention to your self-esteem
“In my practice, women often refuse to communicate about unpleasant topics because they are afraid of losing their partner,” says Lucy. “They think it’s better to ignore the problem than to be left alone.” This indicates a woman's low self-esteem. If everything is fine with her, if you respect yourself as a person, you will openly express to your partner those things that do not suit you. And this is especially true for topics related to betrayal. After all, infidelity is not only a betrayal, but also an open act of disrespect for one’s partner.”
Lucy believes that fear of discussing such serious topics is unlikely to help you strengthen your relationship. On the contrary, the inability to express your emotions provokes aggravation of resentment. And it leads to the fact that we involuntarily move away from our partner and lose our emotional connection with him.
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How can you tell if your partner is lying?
When I was writing a column for psychological advice in New Woman magazine, a 33-year-old top manager wrote to me, saying that she could not cope with the suspicion that her fiancé was having an affair. For many months she felt that he was moving away. She had a strong inner voice and repeatedly started a direct conversation with him, but in response she only heard that it was just her imagination. Two of her married friends secretly hired private detectives in similar circumstances and advised her to do the same. She wanted to know if I agreed with my friends' recommendations.
In a reply comment, I wrote to her that I would not have done this myself. If I hired a private detective, I would have the feeling that I was having an affair. I don't think I could restore the intimacy between us, let alone my self-respect, if I brought that much deception or that level of secrecy into the relationship. I would not want to respond to mistrust by becoming unreliable and secretive myself. If I was sure that I needed a detective to find out more about a person, I would not marry him.
Features of male infidelity
Of course, men may have identical reasons for cheating, but often they just want new acquaintances. The new girl is not yet explored, she is like an undiscovered universe, he did not see her either in a dressing gown, or sick, or in an unsightly light, just as she did not see him. Due to this, he can create any reality. He can tell her that he is an astronaut and live this new life like a TV series. And his daily existence no longer seems so boring, monotonous and worthless.
If he has a lot of women, then he can live out his new role with each one. Freud wrote about such men: “He who loves many knows women, he who loves one knows love.”
Just as often, men are overcome by the desire to feel young, still desirable in the eyes of women, needed, in a way that they might not have been in their youth. Self-affirmation is their strong point.
Is it possible to find out if my husband is cheating or not?
Rarely does a situation occur when, against the backdrop of complete well-being, a husband reports an affair and a desire to leave the family; usually, betrayal leaves traces that only an absolutely inattentive spouse, completely carried away by her career or children, can overlook.
A partner who is in communication with her husband, who is aware of her husband’s affairs, is sure to be wary if she discovers a set of changes that have no known origin.
Proponents of polygamy
As for polygamy, of course, it is more common among men. They choose as a mistress someone who is similar to his wife, but younger. In this case, love for his legal wife is based on guilt, fear of being caught, and intrigue. His wife is his base, his stability. You can be yourself with her, get sick, have children, you can trust her. Here feelings are prolonged, and lovers can appear periodically, even change.
Sometimes, on the contrary, the mistress is the complete opposite of the wife. The husband unconsciously chooses something unacceptable for his pleasures: a bright lady bordering on a girl of easy virtue. He understands that he will not live with such a person, and he himself is calmer for his family, he knows that he will not leave them. In such a union, only impressions are important. A man does not need complete freedom, because it is responsibility, it is scary. And you can share this responsibility with your wife.
Wives are not looking for a fresh incarnation of their husband, but rather the exact opposite. For such a woman, a husband is also an indicator of stability, and a lover fills in the missing pieces, like a puzzle. She is having fun, but such a man cannot be trusted completely.
Who is prone to monogamy?
Now I would like to talk about monogamy. What could be the reason for such a choice? As practice shows, most often people who are socially phobic, conservative, neurotic, and anxious are monogamous. They will not risk their peace of mind, increase their anxiety or add to their feelings of guilt.
It also happens (most often among women) that you only need one person while you are filled with vivid emotions. He cheats, she is filled with resentment and jealousy. He is in demand by other women, which means he is valuable. All her passion rests on these explosive feelings; if her partner becomes faithful, the emotions will disappear, followed by interest in him.
Love is a feeling that arises under conditions. Any love is conditional, which means it has time limits. Even a mother's love has conditions. While the child is small, he is loved. When a child grows up and becomes a drug addict, bringing trouble to the family, the mother wants to get rid of him.
Why do people cheat?
I think some of you have at least once wondered: why do people cheat? Why do you periodically pull yourself “to the side”? And it doesn’t matter to whom you address this question - yourself, your partner, friend, colleague...
Of course, men and women may have different motives, and they may also overlap in some ways. Personally, it seems to me that one of the main reasons for cheating is the inability to communicate.
Many of us find it difficult to truly trust our partner, to discuss with him some secret desires, passions, hidden interests.
How to talk about relationships
I told this woman to trust her instincts that something was wrong and to take her time to get to know this person and restore her comfort level. How well does she know his family and friends? What questions did she ask about his past relationships? Has he previously demonstrated openness, honesty and loyalty? Was he usually open or closed when it came to difficult emotional issues in his life? Does she consider herself jealous, does she sometimes take things to heart and attach too much importance to something?
In addition, I suggested that she continue to talk about her problems with her fiancé. She should have said, “I feel like something has changed in our relationship, and you keep telling me that I made it all up. But the feeling that something is wrong does not leave me.”
If she is not satisfied with his answers, she should try to dig deeper: “Listen, I still feel this distance between us and I worry, not knowing what to think. I want to know if you have another woman. But maybe you're having trouble at work, or a health problem, or you're doubting our engagement. Either way, I want us to talk about this. The hardest thing for me is feeling that something is wrong and being told that I just made it up.”
She should voice her concerns in a firm but non-judgmental way, which is a problem in all love relationships. Alternatively, you can put your matrimonial plans on hold and spend as much time as necessary to better understand the degree of intimacy, honesty, and trust between them. If she doesn't trust him to tell the truth, or continues to feel a strange distance or "absence" from her partner, there's no point in getting married.
“Is that who I married?”
In our country there is such a cultural problem as early marriage. The couple strives to legitimize their relationship as quickly as possible. The candy-bouquet period, when partners can enjoy each other and their feelings, does not last long. The lovers plunge into everyday life and have children. Serious family life immediately begins, with all the obligations, while these people are not sure whether they are ready to live their whole lives together.
And so it turns out - we have lived together for so many years, but there is nothing to remember. Moreover, this may also be the woman’s first man, she has nothing to compare with, she is plagued by doubts: is he the only one? “Is that who I married?”
In this case, the man can try to play out this moment with his mistress, to get that share of pleasure that the couple receives at the very beginning, without obligations. He will give his passion flowers and gifts, take her to the cinema, walk with her in the parks, hide in corners like a schoolboy.
A fine line between treason and betrayal
Let's imagine that a friend takes your husband away; for you it will be a betrayal. But she will think differently, for her it is love. Or your spouse, who at the altar promised to be with you until the end of his days, and after 20 years his feelings faded away - is he a traitor? Is he obliged, having once made such a promise, to carry this burden many years later with an unloved woman with whom even his children do not associate him, because they have grown up and live their own lives? When he promised, he really believed it.
In any case, everyone will have their own truth and everyone will really be right in their own way. Everything is born from the value system of each individual person. Perhaps it's worth finding out about your partner's values in advance? Find out how his parents’ relationship developed, talk about his own vision of family and relationships, build some boundaries.
