Husbands are often perplexed: why does their beloved woman in marriage suddenly or gradually turn into a dissatisfied, critical, grumbling “stranger”? Let's discard those cases when the reasons for such behavior lie on the surface (the partner drinks, is idle, or is aggressive). The greatest bewilderment of the spouses is the fact that the wives behave this way against the backdrop of relative prosperity in the family. Yes, it’s never ideal, but mysteriously, dissatisfaction becomes expressed even if there are no acute problems and basic needs are satisfied. Often, as a reason for divorce, representatives of the stronger sex cite the fact that the wife is constantly dissatisfied with her husband, criticizes him excessively and even humiliates him. But even without leaving the family, husbands may not be able to withstand such pressure and withdraw themselves (start drinking, cheating, or showing coldness). The difference in psychology and thinking style complicates mutual understanding between spouses and threatens a happy and prosperous marriage, so it makes sense to understand what reasons motivate the fair sex to behave this way.
- Stress, chronic fatigue syndrome
The modern woman is the “breadwinner” in the family together with her husband. But the realities of the labor market are such that women have to either compete fiercely for a place on the career ladder, or put up with routine responsibilities that are not always interesting to them. All other things being equal, a Russian woman earns less than a man, and the level of tension in women's groups is often very high. Traditionally, representatives of the fair sex work in the most psychologically difficult areas: education, trade, customer service, social security. Together with household chores, the workload becomes serious. Professional burnout and chronic fatigue syndrome are not some abstract terms, but something that happens to 8 out of 10 women after several years of hard work.
And, as a rule, completely unconsciously, a woman “pours out” her dissatisfaction on the one who is closest to her - her husband. In this case, grumbling, criticism and negativity find a “false addressee”: everything unspoken to the boss, the team, and the customers falls on the head of the innocent spouse.
Yes, of course, such behavior of a woman indicates insufficient skills of reflection and self-regulation. But a truly loving husband can hear a cry for help in his partner’s grumbling: “I can’t cope, I feel bad, I have no one to express this to except you!”
- Psychological problems
A wife who is constantly dissatisfied, aggressive and allows herself to insult her husband may behave this way because of a deep intrapersonal conflict that she transfers into her relationships with loved ones.
The basis for this condition may be the following factors:
- fears (that her husband will leave her, cheat on her, fears for the well-being of children, financial stability, etc.);
- post-traumatic disorders (surviving an accident, a threat to health, material loss, solving a big problem and much more can affect them even after a long time against the background of complete well-being; while it was necessary to overcome a real problem, the woman held on with all her might, and then the psyche in a calm situation began to give out reaction);
- complexes (due to a changed figure, age, orientation towards inflated living standards, disappointments in one’s dreams, etc.);
- family attitudes (this is how her parents behaved);
- codependency, the Karpman Triangle trap;
- anxiety and inability to regulate one's emotional states.
Neurotic manifestations can also be caused by a woman’s chronic dissatisfaction with receiving rewards from her partner in accordance with her leading love language. Garry Chapman's classic work on this topic perfectly illustrates that a husband may not be aware that he is not giving his wife satisfaction in something that is fundamentally important to her. For example, he spares no expense on gifts, but she needs the opportunity to spend time together. A chronically dissatisfied woman begins to break down, subconsciously feeling that there is nothing to lose, because her husband does not give her love.
But still, open aggression, the desire to humiliate and insult are signs of more serious psychological problems than a mismatch of love languages.
- Lack of mutual understanding
Different goals and values often become the cause of conflicts. Even if they coincided at the start of a marital relationship, life significantly changes the partners and their aspirations. For example, a young couple initially planned to move to another region. But over time, the husband, having found a job that suited him, decided that there was no point in making efforts to achieve this goal. The partner, not seeing any prospects for herself, wanting better opportunities for the children, is still determined to leave. If there are significant differences in life goals, a woman begins to “remind” a man of her values in one form or another. If the partner ignores the words of his wife, does not engage in dialogue, does not fulfill his promises, discontent accumulates and is expressed in an increasingly aggressive form.
- Depressed woman
Due to the peculiarities of the psyche of the fair sex, mood swings, a negative attitude and groundless criticism of the husband are possible due to the depression the woman experiences. If his wife nags him, cannot hold back tears or hysterical displays, and does not control her words, it is worth thinking about what lies at the root of her condition.
The so-called “depression with a smile on your face” has become the norm of modern life, when neither the woman herself nor her loved ones correlate mood swings and hysterics with psychological problems. “Everything is fine,” “I’m fine,” and then a breakdown for no apparent reason or because of a trifle.
A woman is especially vulnerable during periods of hormonal changes. Postpartum depression, associated with a radical restructuring of the entire body, the woman’s condition during the feeding period and the stress of caring for the baby can lead to inappropriate and illogical actions on her part. At these moments, it makes no sense to look for a rational explanation for the spouse’s behavior. This is the influence of hormones, which a woman in a weakened state cannot cope with. Some diseases can have the same effect on the female psyche. It is necessary to first provide assistance to the partner to stabilize her condition and improve her health, including finding a doctor and/or a qualified psychologist.
Age-related manifestations, also associated with changes in hormonal status, can also be the reason why a wife constantly nags her husband.
- Fading feelings
Falling in love and mutual attraction gradually weaken, or even disappear completely, in any relationship. And if the spouses have not been able to move to a higher level of love, tenderness, and care towards each other, based on intimacy and knowledge of the partner, then negativity and mutual grievances can accumulate.
A woman tends to react more emotionally to fading feelings. Her feelings are connected not only with the fact that she no longer feels attractive to her husband. Ladies also worry that they themselves are no longer passionate about their spouse. All those little things that seemed insignificant in the wake of falling in love suddenly become huge “stumbling blocks.” The lack of spark in a relationship makes it meaningless for a couple to exist together. Many ladies say: “We live like roommates, united only by a common mortgage.”
What should a man do in such situations?
- Analyze the possible reasons for your wife's behavior
You need to consider both objective circumstances (your own behavior, the state of affairs in the family, etc.) and subjective ones (the internal state of your partner).
You should not withdraw yourself and ignore the grumbling and criticism of a dissatisfied wife. Of course, this is the easiest way - to leave the relationship, either realistically or psychologically. But unresolved problems tend to repeat themselves with great accuracy in subsequent marriages. Therefore, it makes sense to understand the “here and now” and consider all the possibilities for harmonizing life with your loved one.
It is important to remember: while the wife grumbles and nags, even if she is aggressive and illogical, she wants to save the marriage and unconsciously asks for help. A lady who has firmly decided for herself that this man is no longer interested in her (even if she has not yet filed for divorce for some reason) is calm, cold and polite. Even a woman’s negative emotions are an indicator of involvement in a relationship. This means that a man has a chance to return happiness to his family.
- Help a woman deal with her emotional state
Men are mostly rational and constructive. Therefore, they should take the initiative and establish a dialogue with the woman. In a quiet time, without the presence of other people, with a positive attitude, sit down with your spouse at the negotiating table (a kitchen table will do!).
Let her freely say whatever she wants. Encourage her expressions, whatever they may be. Do not try to answer her right away or offer solutions to problems. First, analyze the information.
If a woman’s speech is dominated by emotions, perhaps she just needs to speak out and throw out her feelings. Yes, this is unusual for men and difficult to understand, but this is how the psyche of the fair sex works. Allow your spouse to let off some steam. As blogger Martha Ketro wittily noted, sometimes a woman just needs a “good Italian scandal” with a couple of broken plates. In the future, the husband can come up with a way to collectively “relieve stress.” And what it will be: a good Russian bath with a broom, a pillow fight, diving into an ice hole, or Russian rock from a radio on a night highway - it’s up to two people to decide.
If the theme of fatigue is a refrain in your wife’s speech, then it’s time to reconsider the “family contract” in terms of the distribution of responsibilities.
Specific complaints expressed after the emotions have spilled out should be written down, discussed and a compromise sought.
Explain that when your wife constantly nags you and is always unhappy, you worry, but cannot understand what exactly she wants from you. You try to make her happy, but you need specifics.
If you can’t build a dialogue on your own, then it makes sense to find a qualified family psychologist and resort to his services as a mediator in “negotiations.” It is important to remember that joint consultations will be most effective. A couple is an integral organism: if problems begin in it, it means that both spouses need self-development.
- Divide chores around the house
A modern woman works equally with a man. Therefore, in family matters, equality and fair play are also needed.
The catch is that men sometimes simply cannot imagine the amount of work a woman spends on seemingly basic household chores. It’s worth trying to replace your wife for a week (there are even talk shows on this topic like “Dad Got It”) or simply objectively listing all the duties that the wife performs in the family, indicating the time for their completion.
Next, it makes sense to divide these efforts into 3 parts:
- what a husband can do;
- something that is easily replaced by gadgets (fortunately, technical thought has come up with many devices for the household, and progress is gradually making them more and more affordable);
- something that you don't have to do at all.
Sometimes it’s amazing how a woman, with “persistence worthy of better use,” continues to strain herself with cases whose results are of no use to anyone. And he is offended that he does not receive gratitude for this. Current family attitudes and complexes prevent her from looking objectively at her efforts.
Thus, during a consultation with a family psychologist, the couple (already in a “divorcing” state) found out that the wife considered it her duty to “scrub” the entire rather large apartment every day and prepare a fresh four-course dinner. And the husband, raised by scientist parents in a Spartan environment, did not even suspect about it. And he did not at all pretend to such a level of sterility, and a couple of times a week he could afford to invite his partner to a good restaurant or warm up ready-made food. And buying a robot vacuum cleaner was not a blow to the couple’s budget.
- Give your wife a day off
It is sometimes much more difficult for women than for men to escape from problems and worries. Representatives of the stronger sex can actually make “Off.” in your head and “lower”, for example, over a stationary float. Their partners, in most cases, cannot do this.
Therefore, it makes sense to provide at least a couple of days a month “time off” for the woman you love, completely disconnecting her from all worries. Babysit with your children or make arrangements with relatives and order food to be taken home. And so that your spouse doesn’t worry and doesn’t “chase her thoughts,” send her, for example, to a SPA center. So that, as in the old joke, she “will make you a happy wife and mother to your children.”
- Listen to your wife's words and desires
Yes, a spouse can pour out a hurricane of emotions with a minimum of constructive information. And the man really wants to disconnect from this flow. But in a family, reasonable dialogue and “hearing” of each other are necessary.
Try to find your own version of “peace negotiations”. For example, there is this practice: a board in the house with the title “This will make me happy/happy.” On it, spouses write wishes to each other. It is important to do this in a positive way. Compare:
- “I hesitated because you were such a slob. Pack your socks."
- “It will make me happy if once a week you clean the apartment yourself and allow me to go for a walk at that time.”
Of course, each family will have its own options for dialogue construction techniques.
And, most likely, things will not start working out right away. But the effort will pay off.
- Show affection and care
After many years of marriage, spouses often become so close that the wife is already perceived as “the guy” with whom fire, water and copper pipes have been passed.
But no matter what wedding anniversary you celebrate, no matter what heights you reach together, your husband should remember that in every woman there remains that part of her in which she is still a gentle and touching girl. And she needs warmth, care, kind words, a touch of romanticism in everyday whirlwind.
Advice from a psychologist if your husband calls you names and humiliates you
Women who endure constant rudeness from a loved one should take into account the recommendations of experts:
- Don't expect your spouse's behavior to change on its own.
- Don't keep your anger inside, pretending to be a caring wife.
- Don't respond to humiliation with humiliation.
- Don't do things that are unacceptable to you.
- Remember that you can re-educate a person only if he himself wants it.
- Don’t be tormented by thoughts about why your husband insults and humiliates his wife, and don’t convince yourself that such family relationships are the norm.
It is important to remember that family life without quarrels and insults is impossible. People learn to avoid this over the years, gaining experience and working on themselves.
Therefore, if conflicts are isolated and relationships subsequently improve, then the best way is a heart-to-heart conversation.
Prevention of quarrels and misunderstandings
Having mastered the art of family negotiations and found your own way to exchange wishes, you must not forget: problems that arise should be voiced immediately. Don’t keep silent, don’t put it off for later, don’t put up with them. It will only get worse, because discontent tends to accumulate and multiply. Teach your spouse to do the same. Set aside time at least once a week for a calm, constructive conversation.
Living together encourages people to be more flexible and adaptive. It is better to try to find a reasonable compromise than to stubbornly defend your point of view, no matter how absolutely correct it may be for you. In the question: “Do you want to be right or happy?” there is only a grain of joke. In any situation, there are many options for solving the same problem.
Feelings and spark in relationships must be maintained consciously and regularly. The pink season of falling in love inevitably passes. But romance and intimacy can be preserved. Even in the 50th year of marriage, it makes sense to invite your spouse on dates, come up with ways to be interesting to each other, find your own places and routes where you can feed mutual feelings.
Some men may object: why so much effort and trouble? Well, each person must always decide for himself. Your choice: live with an eternally dissatisfied wife, go into the unknown, leaving your beloved family and established life, or take responsibility and initiative to revive general happiness and harmony.
Why does a husband insult and offend: how to behave in response?
Moral violence is considered more destructive than physical violence. It manifests itself in different ways. A pronounced form: a person is seized with rage, he insults and tries to humiliate his neighbor. Hidden form: words and actions do not seem to express anything bad, but facial expressions, intonation and gestures radiate negativity. The reason for the behavior of a male aggressor is usually not the woman herself, but the processes occurring in the depths of his psyche. Such a problem needs to be solved comprehensively. You will have to use your full potential, be patient, love deeply and have a great desire to restore warm relationships. In some cases, you will need the help of a specialist, such as psychologist-hypnologist Nikita Valerievich Baturin.
There is another type of aggression. Usually young spouses with vulnerable psyches experience anxiety: my husband calls me obscenities, how to behave, advice from a psychologist will help.
Reason 1: for your husband this is a normal style of communication; he does not understand how unpleasant this is for you.
What to do: methodically convey to your spouse that this style of communication does not suit you.
Reason 2: the husband defends his personal space.
What to do: respect the boundaries of personal space.
Reason 3: a disrespectful communication style initially developed. Perhaps you yourself provoke such a reaction from your husband through your communication, but do it without swear words.
What to do: analyze your communication style, change your behavior.
Reason 4: in this way the husband quickly achieves what he wants.
What to do: think with your spouse about how to achieve what he wants without resorting to swear words.
Whether your marriage will be happy and long depends on working on your relationship every day, mutual love, tolerance and respect for each other.
Responsibility for bullying
Most teenagers who commit illegal (including from a moral point of view) actions against their classmates believe that they will not be held responsible for this. But the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation does not think so. Starting from the age of 14, a teenager can already answer for the following articles:
- Article 111 – intentional infliction of harm to health, including psychological harm.
- Article 213 part – hooliganism.
- Article 112 – causing harm to health of moderate severity.
- Article 158 – theft
- Article 161 – robbery.
- Article 162 – robbery.
- Article 163 – extortion.
- Article 167 part 2 – intentional damage to someone else’s property.
From the age of 16, liability comes into force under the following articles of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation:
- Article 110 – incitement to suicide due to harsh treatment, systematic insult, humiliation of honor and dignity.
- Article 282 – incitement to hatred or enmity.
- Article 116 – battery.
- Article 119 – threat to kill.
- Article 128.1 – libel, dissemination of knowingly false information.
- Article 117 – physical or psychological torture.
If the offender is under 14 years old, the parents will be responsible for his actions, Article 5.35 of the Code of Administrative Offenses of the Russian Federation.
Teachers may also be held liable if it is determined that they were negligent in their duties. There is also an article for negligence in the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation.
Innate Anger
In a situation where anger is an innate character trait of a child, that is, aggression is inherent in nature, it will be very difficult to change anything. It is not acquired, it is innate, like hair color, eyes, voice timbre and skin color.
What to do?
Be patient, patient and more patient with the situation. When talking to your daughter in moments of strong aggression, you need to calmly, without raising your voice in response, ask directly: Why are you angry with me? To reduce the frequency of quarrels, do not succumb to provocation to quarrel.
In conclusion, I offer you a video
many mothers and daughters will see themselves as the main characters and draw conclusions.
Be happy! Tasha.
You may also be interested in August 16, 2021 Tasha Female Supremacy or “Who are you up against, girls?” August 05, 2019 Tasha Anxiety neurosis or how the unconscious speaks to you July 08, 2021 Tasha How to restore feminine energy after breaking up with a man Do you want to receive new interesting articles by email?
What should I do if I couldn’t respond to humiliation?
It is not always appropriate to respond to humiliation. If you can't find an answer, maybe that's for the best. Often a person does not realize why he insults, he himself feels bad about it, but he does not admit it even to himself. Sometimes silence in response to humiliation “sounds” louder than a microphone.
If you are still tempted to answer, try to do it calmly, without stooping below your dignity and moral principles. When faced with trolling or provocations, the best behavior is to ignore.
I just ask you, don’t make excuses if you’re not guilty. And when you are guilty, you should not make excuses, but apologize. Proving to another person that he is being unfair to you is almost impossible until he himself understands this. Therefore, do not allow yourself to be humiliated by your own excuses.
And also, if there was a conflict with a loved one, you heard insults addressed to you in a state of nervous system excitement and you yourself lost your temper, do not rush to burn bridges. It is much easier to destroy a relationship than to build one again. Try to understand the reason why the conflict situation occurred.
General advice from a psychologist
In any controversial situation, try to understand the person. In the matter of insults, this rule also works. Let's look at the psychologist's advice on how to react correctly.
Master your emotions
The main goal of an aggressive person is to hurt you more. Therefore, the first advice: do not show that you are upset, control your emotions. The insult of your acquaintances will end, because the goal has not been achieved, it is not interesting to continue further.
I suggest you take Nicholas Hall's emotional intelligence test. It consists of 30 questions, the completion time is 5 minutes. The results in the second scale of “Managing your emotions” will show your level from 6 to 36.
In order to fully control your emotions, I advise you to upgrade your emotional intelligence.
Ignoring an insult
Increase your distance
If you are insulted by a stranger in order to assert yourself in front of others, do not try to prove that you are right - this will not lead to anything good. Increase your distance with this person.
“Extinguish” with a smile
If it is not possible to increase the distance, try to appear confident, confuse your opponent with your wide smile and the question: “Why are you behaving this way?” Smooth out the caustic phrases and smile.
Such a reaction will earn others respect for you, and they will be able to defend you against the offender. Remember that your peace of mind will protect you. If you “climb into the bottle”, you may not calculate the strengths and capabilities of yourself and the “aggressor”.
Which children are most often bullied?
They offend the weak, shy, insecure, introverts, those who have few or no friends, children with atypical appearance or physical disabilities, very overweight or, on the contrary, too thin, children who are overprotected by their relatives, that is, “mama's boys.” Perhaps the main thing is that they offend those guys who cannot stand up for themselves in a conflict situation.
In most cases, the offenders are the physically strong, those who strive for leadership but do not study well, young power seekers who want to subjugate others and command them. A buller (this is the term used to define an offender) does not sympathize with others and does not imagine himself in the place of the one whom he offends.
The offender and his victim are like two sides of a coin. You will be surprised, but they have a common feature - they do not know how to properly solve social problems.
How can you tell if your child is being bullied at school?
One fight among boys or a showdown among girls is not bullying. When bullying, intimidation, and violence become systematic and take on severe forms, the alarm must be sounded.
From the mothers I consulted, I heard: “My son came home from school wet and dirty. He says he fell into a puddle. I, of course, scolded him. And the next day the same thing again. I literally pulled it out of him with pincers that it was his classmate who deliberately pushed him into the puddle. And he also threatened: “If you complain, it will get worse!”
“My daughter is all in tears. A boy from their class used a pen to fill out his entire sketchbook. But what outraged me most was that none of the guys stood up for her! Why are our children so indifferent?!”
It’s good if your son or daughter themselves told you about the offenders. What if they are silent? What can tell you that they are facing this problem?
Be attentive to your child, then you will notice that his things are damaged or they are completely missing. He cannot explain what he spent his pocket money on. Doesn't want to go to school, even starts to get sick (complains about stomach pain or headache). The child has become nervous and cries often. Well, bruises and scratches will literally scream to you that the problem is very serious.
Of course, you do not want your child to become a victim and endure ridicule, bullying, kicking and extortion from aggressive peers. Evil must be resisted.
To know how to properly support a child in a bullying situation, read my article “How to properly support a child”!
Should you tell your child “give back!”?
This is a difficult question because if a child takes it literally, fighting can make the situation worse. When the trial begins - “who started it first” - there is no guarantee that the truth will be on your side.
I have heard from some mothers this: “I came to school, grabbed my son’s offender by the collar and threatened that I would smear him against the wall,” “I said that I myself would do to this nasty girl what she is doing to my daughter.” . Most likely, little aggressors will be afraid of such threats from adults. How will their parents react to this? It is possible that instead of resolving the conflict, you will get its aggravation.
But this is not the main thing. By doing this to other people's children, you are violating the rights of another child! How then do you differ from a school bully?
