Often, even in a cloudless family life, periods of crisis occur, when until recently the people closest to each other move away and become strangers. Cheating is that very moment of crisis that not all couples can survive.
Partners perceive the news of adultery differently. Some consider it a personal defeat and insult, others begin to take revenge, not realizing that there will be no winners in this “war”. So why is this happening? What are the reasons for betrayal that comes as a complete surprise to your partner? Is it possible to avoid infidelity and how to protect yourself from it? FAN journalist asked these questions to psychologist and family relationship coach Elena Gamayun .
Photo from the personal archive of Elena Gamayun /
Position of science
From the point of view of neuroscience, love, affection, the desire for sex with only one partner is determined solely by the work of neurotransmitters in our brain. The main one is dopamine, a neurotransmitter involved in the formation of addictions. When partners experience joy from each other’s company, which is usually observed in the “candy-bouquet period,” the level of dopamine tends to the maximum. And sex with a loved one is perceived by the brain as a reward. And since everyone loves awards, interest in their spouse is maintained high.
But over time, changes occur in relationships. We begin to see our partner no longer “through rose-colored glasses,” but with his mistakes and behavior and actions that are not always pleasant to us. The “magical” effect of dopamine decreases, passion subsides. And since not all partners are ready to constantly maintain this “fire” in a relationship, the brain can “tell” you to look for pleasure on the side.
Another neurotransmitter that is important in relationships is oxytocin, called the bonding hormone. It is its sharp release after childbirth that forms the almost instantaneous attachment of a mother to her baby. It also influences the relationship between men and women, as it creates an invisible connection between them. Oxytocin is produced in response to physical contact: kissing, hugging, sex. And the more frequent and close this contact is, the stronger the “oxytocin threads” connecting the spouses will be. If there is no cuddling and regular sex, attraction and attachment will naturally wane and go away.
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“I felt that I was not loved. And she was ready to do anything to compensate for this."
Polina, 29 years old
At first, Anton and I lived like in a fairy tale. We were overwhelmed with feelings. I still get goosebumps when I remember it. The most vibrant relationship in my life, a volcano of passions, like in an Italian family. But then the skeletons in the closet were revealed. Both of us.
Everything changed six months after we started dating. Anton lost interest, conversations became insipid, sex became rare. And more and more it seemed that this was torture for him. It was strange, considering that for the first months we had sex everywhere we could and in a variety of ways.
