Hello, dear readers! Breakups are an integral part of life and happen to everyone, at any age. It does not show how good or bad a person is, nor is it a signal of the need to change oneself as a person. It’s just that falling in love does not always develop into love; not every couple is destined to live to see a diamond wedding. But after the former partners went their separate ways, a logical question arises: why, after a breakup, does the girl suffer first, and then the guy? Moreover, according to popular belief, this happens regardless of who abandoned whom.
Let's not rely on gossip and myths on this issue. As part of the article, we will look at the psychology of relationships on the blog, namely the most common reasons for separation, the male and female psychology of dealing with mental pain, and listen to advice from eminent psychologists. The last point is especially worth focusing on for those who can’t get out of the state of soul-searching and self-flagellation, become depressed, and don’t know what to do.
Reasons and stages of separation
Despite the diversity of worldviews, the complexity of human character, individuality, and behavior in relationships are similar for many.
When falling in love, a person relies on emotions, and those rely on hormones. As a result, being at the mercy of endorphins, partners simply forget about logic, rules and being different from others. When the hormonal cocktail dissipates, the image of an ordinary person with a bunch of shortcomings and personal problems appears before your eyes. Here a more meaningful choice arises - get used to it and come to terms with it, or find something more suitable? Some people last longer, others break the connection immediately. And here again we cannot do without platitudes. Among the main reasons for a breakup are excessive jealousy due to lack of trust or possessiveness, the impossibility of regular personal meetings (for example, when loving at a distance), the presence of secrets, mental incompleteness of past relationships, different worldviews (did not agree on the future) and family pressure ( here you can put together a combo of the reasons listed earlier). And it’s good if both realize and understand the reason, but more often one gets stuck at the stage of falling in love, and the second has already “taken off” his rose-colored glasses.
It is believed that the “abandoned” side is more painful, especially if there is a surprise effect. Therefore, after the news is announced, the stages of ending the relationship begin, to put it scientifically:
- Negation. The realization that the past life has come to an end does not come immediately. This is a brain ability that it uses to protect itself from shock. At this stage, you can’t get hung up on it, you can’t delude yourself that everything is as before. That’s why after a breakup you don’t need to rush headlong into a new relationship; this, despite online advice, is not only not useful, but also ineffective. Subconsciously, a person looks for similar traits, remakes a new lover, and when it doesn’t work out, he feels even more pain, superimposing emotions from both relationships on each other.
- Expression of emotions. After some time, indignation, anger, pain, disappointment should spill out somewhere. Emotions cannot be kept inside. Use the help of friends (those who are ready to listen, support, and not criticize), a psychologist, or a piece of paper on which to express your anger. Otherwise, they will either be trapped in the depths of the soul and spill out at the wrong time, or they will force you to physically take revenge on the offender.
- Negotiation. After a month, a week or six months, there is a lull. Instead of resentment for the breakup, nostalgia for the past begins, and fear of the future comes. That’s why at this time it’s so tempting to find common ground and establish contacts with a former partner. But is it possible, and most importantly, is it necessary to look for a reason to get back together after breaking up? It is difficult to call for sanity at this stage, but helping to get through this stage as quickly as possible is quite possible. Largely due to the distance from the past life through the ban on viewing pages on social networks, getting rid of gifts, memorabilia, and stopping all contacts.
- Apathy. This is the stage where many remain for years. When pain leaves the heart, indifference settles in it. Reluctance to build a new life and passivity in business are aggravated by self-flagellation, loss of strength after separation, and blaming oneself for the reasons for separation. We will discuss how to get out of this state separately.
- Humility. The moment when the realization finally comes that the past cannot be returned. Consciousness adapts to the new reality, new ideas come, plans for the future begin.
How to improve your life after a breakup
Avoid talking or meeting with your ex-partner for at least two months
This means that you need to protect yourself as much as possible from accidental collisions.
If you are likely to cross paths on your way to work, change your route. If you can meet at a store or gym, find a new place to shop and exercise.
The same goes for messages and calls. It’s better to temporarily block your ex-partner on social networks or delete his number from your phone than to constantly see him online or in your contacts.
It sounds a little unfair, because you have to give up something. But it's for your own good.
Play some sports
Firstly, physical activity releases happiness hormones, which are so necessary for your condition. Secondly, sports will relieve your head and help relieve tension.
Reorganize your life
The end of one stage is the beginning of a new one. So with the end of a relationship, you have a chance to change something in your life. You can start with the closet. Just take it apart and throw away all unnecessary items. Or use your imagination and come up with a new use for them. Finding a new hobby or hobby won’t hurt either.
Meet your friends
You finally have plenty of time to meet up with your favorite friends. Use it!
How to get over a breakup
By turning to the experience of the West, we can start from a scientific approach to solving the issue. Many scientific works have been written on this topic, and studies have been conducted to study the behavior of people who have experienced a breakup. According to the psychology of separation, many people end a relationship without fully realizing the consequences. For example, there are feelings, but a breakup is seen as a reason to make someone jealous or stir up emotions. But it’s not always possible to get everything back.
So, it is difficult for a woman to understand that the man has not left forever, just as it is difficult for a man to understand that the girl simply decided to take a break. As a result, many rash actions are committed, many hidden grievances are expressed, burning bridges. In addition, if the initiator tries to return the connection, this is perceived as an admission of his mistakes. And if the abandoned party is looking for a way back, this is associated with humiliation. This approach stops many, leaving no chance of return.
If a breakup has already occurred, you should listen to the advice of psychologists based on their experience:
- It is important to learn to let go of your ex-partner. Of course, there is a percentage of couples who get back together after breaking up and begin building a happy future, but it is not specified how many are rejected when trying to get closer. A breakup does not happen out of nowhere; there is always a reason. If it is not possible to change it, it is better to stop associating yourself as part of a couple and free yourself from unnecessary thoughts.
- Keeping yourself in good shape and constant praise will help you cope with apathy. People around you will see that everything is okay, and this will help you make yourself believe it. This is the moment of self-programming.
- It is worth focusing on the positive aspects of the breakup. Got more time? Wonderful! Lie in the bathroom, wash the ceiling or read. Freed from control? Go to a club with your girlfriends/friends, forgetting your phone at home.
How does a man cope with a breakup if he is the initiator?
A man worries, even if he himself left the girl. The range of emotions is wide – from grief to spiritual emptiness. The most common feelings experienced are:
- The desire to show the ex that everything in life is wonderful without her. The way to achieve the goal is new novels. They help to weaken the unnecessary emotional connection and wipe the nose of the abandoned lady.
- Desire to control - after a breakup, many men believe that they need to “look after” their ex and start spying on social networks. If a girl finds a new lover, her ex feels angry or furious because of this.
- In any case, after the end of a long-term relationship, a man feels sad . He misses the usual things that made his life comfortable and cozy. To distract from negative thoughts, a person concentrates on something else: work, a hobby, a new novel.
- It happens that after a divorce, husbands are filled with joy. Finally, the long-awaited freedom. At first, only the advantages of the newfound bachelor life catch your eye - you can do whatever you want and not have to answer to anyone. But after a few weeks, a longing for the past awakens, which intensifies more and more every day.
How does a man cope with a breakup?
Major mistakes after a breakup
Based on his experience and studying the works of Western colleagues, psychologist Pavel Zygmantovich, identified 5 main mistakes made by the majority of abandoned people:
- Exaggeration of the scale of the tragedy. For many women, the moment when a man suggests breaking up is a turning point in life, if not the biggest moment in life. That's it, the planet doesn't rotate, the entire male sex is subject to oppression, and the sky is overgrown with clouds. In fact, emotions are extremely fickle. The pain of parting, like the joy of any event, passes quickly. But by dwelling on suffering, we artificially slow down healing.
- Self-flagellation. People break up every day, and everyone, without exception, believes that if they were abandoned, it means the matter is a lack of beauty, intelligence or excess weight. No, people often get together because of physical attraction, but break up because of psychological nuances. Don't delve into yourself, take the breakup as a given.
- Set to "forget". Unfortunately, the heart, like the brain, cannot be ordered. The more we try not to think about something, the more we think about it. This paradox has been defined as the polar bear effect. Think about your ex, but just observe the feelings, don't get caught up in them.
- Search for a replacement. It is impossible to say exactly how long love lasts after separation. There are too many different factors. Including the aggravation of experiences, exposure of feelings, return to the past is influenced by the desire to forget in someone else's arms. Unexperienced emotions remain locked in the consciousness, trying to break out. The realization that it will not become easier puts pressure on the psyche and does not give peace.
- Trying to prove uniqueness. Attempts by all means to show your ex that life is beautiful and filled with events look quite pathetic. And when photos in a new swimsuit, a change of wardrobe or bob, do not bring the desired impact, irritation and pain increase.
Instead of dwelling on the past, you need to be able to switch to other aspects of life. Develop, make a career, travel at least within your hometown, get new emotions by any means. Sometimes, silence after a breakup, especially if it was too stormy, a refusal to sort things out, is the best medicine and a way to discern something new and more important.
Can a person change for the sake of a loved one?
Yes, sure. Usually in the first year of a relationship, after a period of falling in love, the grinding-in stage begins. On it you pay attention to shortcomings, your first quarrels occur. Conflicts are mostly not serious, because lovers, if this is a truly adult and conscious relationship, try to please their other half. This happens unobtrusively - everyday habits, preferences for food or music change.
Ask a question
The second stage of change coincides with the period when the couple begins to live together. This is a time when communication becomes almost constant, so disagreements may occur more often. Usually the changes here are more conscious—compromises. If lovers go through this period successfully, we can talk about budding love.
In an already married couple, problems due to bad character or habits are much less common. But they change them with the help of a heart-to-heart conversation, as well as through gentle gradual influence.
The main problem of those women who believe that their lover has not changed is that very early, almost immediately after meeting, they begin to demand, not wanting to adapt to him on their own. But real grinding is based on mutual compromises.
The second problem is that people get along too quickly and start living together. Sometimes it's premature.
Women's psychology
A woman’s behavior after a breakup usually follows a standard and familiar pattern. First, she seeks privacy from everyone and cries, throwing out all the negativity through tears, then she tries to find a listener to express her pain. This approach helps to quickly cope with emotional shock and not push feelings deep into yourself. According to the average period, the experiences are most intense during the first six months, and within a year, complete recovery occurs. True, during this period a woman often manages to do many rash and controversial things: cut off her hair or stop caring for herself, lose a lot of weight or gain weight.
In most cases, if a man decides to break off a relationship, the woman begins to feel very guilty about it. Self-examination begins and self-confidence in one’s imperfections begins. In some cases, this can lead to positive results, provided that the girl directs her energy to fitness, travel and other useful activities. It is worth noting that during the first year, women rarely start new relationships, preferring to keep the image of their ex in their heads. Sometimes, new relationships still arise, but in 99% of cases the guy is similar or has a number of similar traits to his ex. Unfortunately, such a couple quickly collapses.
What to do if your ex doesn't come back?
Breaking up with a loved one is not easy. But no matter what's going on between you right now, stay strong and stay positive. Whatever happens, move on with your life. You may even be grateful to him for leaving you.
Don't worry or wonder if your ex-boyfriend will come back. Better focus on your own life. Many women claim that as soon as they began to live their old lives, it was at that moment that the ex expressed a desire to return.
Now you need to focus on self-love. Don't blame yourself for your emotions, which may overwhelm you. Instead, listen to your heart. At the moment, the best idea would be to take some time for yourself, remember your hobbies, meet with friends and take care of yourself.
To get help and specific recommendations from a professional psychologist, watch this video right now. Click on the screen below:
Take the test and find out what your chances are of getting your husband back
Male psychology
Despite the complete external discrepancy, in emotional terms, the psychology of guys after a breakup is no different from women’s. From the cradle, men are taught to hide tears, suppress emotions, and be calm on the outside. As a result, if you look at the days after the breakup through the eyes of a guy, they are full of silent torment, self-criticism, pain and despair. And all this crashing emotional lava is under the strictest ban on display. Closeness and inability to speak out leads to aggression, a search for adrenaline and any strong negative emotions.
The reason for aggression in men is the inability to express and cry out their feelings, so after breaking up, anger will look for a way out. Some will decide to go down a steep hill or jump with a parachute, others will find adrenaline in high speed and illegal night races, others will drown their sorrows in alcohol and run into drunken fights. If this is also spurred on by the beginning of a new union with an ex-girlfriend, then the instinct of possessiveness and the desire to increase self-esteem will make you forget through short affairs with a variety of girls.
How can a girl understand what her ex-boyfriend is going through?
The main thing to understand is not to think that the guy doesn’t feel offended because your relationship ended, even if he proves otherwise through his actions.
Yes, men are different from women, but in general, each of us, regardless of gender, expresses our feelings differently.
Signs in favor of men's suffering after breakups include deletion from friends on social networks, reluctance to meet, and, during a spontaneous meeting, refusal to make eye contact . Indifference can also be recognized by the reverse reaction - provoking people into meetings, too frequent messages and calls, imposing one’s persona and discussing with mutual friends the circumstances of the broken union.
Why are guys trying to come back?
There are a number of reasons for this:
- Nostalgia. After a long union, men are first inspired by freedom, and they enjoy it. But this period does not last long. Lack of control leads to parties and nights out, but this quickly gets boring. There comes melancholy and a feeling of the meaninglessness of one-day affairs. Moreover, after returning home, they are no longer waiting for a delicious dinner and a clean bed, to which they have become accustomed. More and more often thoughts come about how good it really was with your former passion. Often, after a breakup, men become depressed, they begin to reproach themselves for the mistakes they have made and increasingly think about returning.
- Inability to find a replacement. When leaving, the guys expect to quickly find a replacement for their ex. But they subconsciously look for familiar and beloved features in a new passion. High demands and constant comparison of situations with past relationships lead to difficulties. As a result, the guys understand that it is easier to return everything back than to start from scratch.
- Awareness of mistakes. Free time and aching melancholy allow you to finally see the mistakes that were made in the completed union. Now the guy focuses all his memories on good moments and idealizes the image of his beloved.
- Lack of intimacy. The search for short flings also ends in failure for some. The inability to satisfy your instincts and sexual desire leads you back to your ex’s bed. And here girls should be careful. If this is the only reason for nightly appearances, then we are not talking about resuming old relationships in full. The former becomes a reserve airfield.
You broke up, what's next?
What to do if you break up? Analyze what the relationship was like. Good\bad? Trust\betrayal? Respect/charity? If everything was negative, then it will come back, nothing can be done about it. In fact, I will say this thing, but many people do not understand it. Problems in relation lie equally and are divided equally equally. Even if it’s a partner’s betrayal (throw slippers at me, I’m ready). Husband and wife, one of Satan.
Yes, relationships are a very complex thing and there is no single rule on how to build a harmonious, eternal relationship based on love and trust. Even if you see a beautiful couple that you look at with envy, in reality everything may be different. Maybe there the husband completely humiliates his wife, and she just pretends that everything is fine. It's sad, but if this happens, again both are to blame. More precisely, not guilty, but responsible.
How to return love
Many men regret breaking up, but does this mean an opportunity to get everything back? In some cases, yes. But provided that the girl behaves tactfully and correctly, she will be able to overcome her emotional instability and the desire to reproach her for leaving. It is worth remembering that any attempts to beg to return everything back will have the opposite effect. Nobody likes victims. You need to act more cunningly, start with friendly conversations, short meetings without sexual overtones. It is important to give the man time to think everything over and not to set a vendetta upon his return from the very first days of separation.
You should also be careful with advice on preening and changing your image. You shouldn’t dress up for a friendly date like you would for a wedding. It is better to take a guideline for your image at the time of your first meeting, to be more friendly, sociable, and smiling. Guys are attracted by openness and ease of communication, and not by evening makeup and a miniskirt. Of course, you can improve your physical shape if when you look in the mirror you feel a loss of sexuality. A subscription to a fitness club will allow you to delay the time of active attempts at contact, and will also allow you to throw out negative emotions during an intense workout.
Learn to live alone
In a long relationship, you somehow get used to your partner, somewhere giving in to him, somewhere giving up your desires and habits. Loneliness is a great opportunity to return to the original version of yourself. It will not be possible to reset your personality to basic settings, and this is not necessary: you have matured, gained experience and changed. Now you can afford to decide on your own desires, plans and aspirations without regard to your partner’s opinion.
The theory of halves sounds nice. But it’s better to come into a relationship whole and build it with an equally self-sufficient partner.
Before starting a new relationship, take care of your own well-being, career, and health. If a person is successful and independent, a queue of potential partners forms for him. And he slowly chooses with whom he is more comfortable. So after the end of the relationship, it is best to live without a partner for some time and strengthen your own position. This does not mean that you need to abandon all meetings. They provide great emotional support, even if they do not lead to the creation of relationships.
Andrey Smirnov
Results
Contrary to popular belief, boys and girls experience a breakup equally strongly. Mental torment in men is sometimes even worse. The myth that has developed and taken root in the mind is based only on external manifestations of feelings. In addition, many people judge behavior by looking at photos on social networks of guys smiling surrounded by friends. The photo will not convey inner emotions. Focus on your feelings. If the breakup was a mistake, don't be afraid to share it with your ex-passion, just don't do it right away. Think about your and his actions, weigh the negative and positive aspects of the relationship, remember why you loved him and what started to irritate him. And most importantly, do not act as others expect from you. Be yourself, because only two people know what’s going on inside a couple.
Have you managed to get your relationship back? Write in the comments how long did you miss your ex-partner?
What kind of relationships are there?
This is a very serious question; by answering it, we will understand what the relationship will be like after separation.
Read more: Psychology of relationships in marriage
Adult - child
Everyone knows about such relationships. Here a child can be either a girl or a man. Whether a relationship is good or not, it all depends on the situation. If everyone likes the roles, then such relationships can last a long time. But there is always a BUT.
According to psychology, a child is, as a rule, an irresponsible person. Usually the child ends such a relationship because he has found a new parent or toy. This person will easily cheat under any pretext.
The most interesting thing is that many parents will not care about this and will try to re-educate their unlucky child. But here, most likely, a break will occur. The child will quickly fly away to the other parent, and the parent will try to restore the relationship.
Tyrant - victim
Usually this is the most trash. But another question is, why does the victim tolerate the tyrant and not leave immediately? The whole essence of sacrifice comes down to tolerating, blaming, and punishing yourself. This is such a mini branch of hell.
A tyrant will never let go of his victim, and the victim will always provoke the tyrant. If the victim does not understand that she is playing the role of a victim and does not want to leave, she will have a hard time. Live in humiliation and complete submission. And yet, in spite of everything, the victim leaves such a relationship, and there are two ways. Either she completely breaks all contacts and never returns, or the tyrant still has enough of asking for forgiveness with the promise that he will completely correct himself.
The victim believes, returns and everything starts anew. It's a vicious circle. In these relationships, you either break up completely and change your attitude towards life, or you live in suffering.
Friends
Friends are not just friends. And relationships are built like friends. You meet, have sex, have something to talk about, have a lot of fun. But it's not a word about love. You just feel good together.
There are two ways to develop such a relationship, either separation because someone wants a more serious relationship, but the other does not want it. On this basis, the initiator will look for another relationship, a more serious one, and will ultimately confront the partner with the fact that they are breaking up. The most interesting thing is that since the relationship is built on friendship, it is possible to continue meeting for sex out of friendship.
Another scenario is if friendship between partners develops into a serious relationship. But here there are two development paths. Either everything is ok and there will be a good family, since relationships are built on trust and respect, and not just on love.
Or relationships built on friendship will not bear the burden of love. It’s like they were friends, but now responsibility appears. Someone's behavior pattern may be disrupted and this may alienate another
