How to let a man go so that he comes back: advice from a psychologist

Hello, dear readers! Today we will discuss one of the fundamental, complex issues of relationships in a couple. We will talk about a painful breakup, when the feelings are too strong to simply forget and put an end to. Let's try to understand how to let a man go so that he comes back; the advice of a psychologist, by the way, will help better than the hackneyed Internet algorithm of throwing things away and crying for a week. Let's find advantages where it seemed they couldn't exist, let's finally learn to love ourselves, and not live for someone else.

What not to do

Traditionally, it’s worth starting with a clause about what you shouldn’t do immediately after a breakup, so that you don’t regret it for the rest of your life. The one whose partner was everything in his life is left alone with himself, with feelings, or rather with aching pain, which, it seems, cannot be overshadowed by anything. Constant thoughts about a partner, an expression of one’s own worthlessness, uselessness, make one weak, vulnerable, and uninteresting. In this state, not the best ideas usually come to mind:

suffering, begging for a return are obviously disastrous options - in the first days the ex feels a surge of freedom, independence, and cannot be overcome by pity;
running to a bar for adventure means cutting off the possibility of renewing communication;
locking yourself at home, burning photographs in order to survive the first stage of “liberation” - there is a danger that ordinary grief will develop into protracted depression;
building a new love - without dealing with the past, you will only be able to drag the burden of worries into the future and torment yourself and the new guy;
overeating and alcohol - you obviously cannot get happiness by destroying yourself.

Recover from injury

Breaking up a relationship is traumatic for both parties involved. It doesn’t matter who initiated it, why you broke up, or whether there are reasons for joy and relief. It will hurt. Putting on a brave face and pretending you don't care is not the best choice. Ignoring the problem cannot heal mental wounds.

Nadezhda Efremova

psychotherapist

It is necessary to restore yourself, starting with basic needs. First, establish a sleep and nutrition routine. As soon as the basic segments return to normal, you can begin to move towards communication with loved ones. Don't rush to make new acquaintances right away. First you need to feel the ground under your feet again and lick your wounds next to those with whom you can be vulnerable and from whom you can receive love and care. And only after that, gradually go out into society and add new hobbies and activities.

What does it mean to let go

It’s worth deciding, letting go does not mean forgetting. Letting go means giving freedom to your partner, and most importantly, freeing yourself from projecting your internal dependence onto him. One esoteric Talmud describes an interesting method of how to mentally let go of a person or visualize liberation:

“...You need to close your eyes and imagine how tight ropes stretch from the heart and lower abdomen to the departed partner. They pulsate, pumping out vital energy, giving him confidence that he is better than he is and deserves more. Then, mentally, large golden scissors are taken and the ropes are cut..."

Some may find the practice funny, but it has a completely scientific basis from the point of view of psychology. So, usually the one who is less dependent, the one who allowed love, announces separation in a couple. Exaggeratedly, such a partner believes that if such an attachment has developed, then He is really better than others and deserves more, but while there is no more, he can stay in this relationship. After a breakup, this confidence is fueled by pitiful messages and the unhappy appearance of the jilted party. Only by cutting off this supply can you stop feeding Him with the illusions of your own superiority, and force Him to plunge into a reality where no one needs Him.

Ignore

Ignoring your ex-partner can come in two forms.:

Sincere reluctance to continue communication.
A form of passive aggression.

In both cases, the person hides his real experiences . This may be due to fear of a reaction to his words, or it may be a sign of complete emotional cooling towards another person. In any case, this is the behavior of an immature person. Conflicts and misunderstandings are resolved only through dialogue.

Read more about ignoring after a breakup here.

Swap places

No wonder they say that as soon as you forget a man, he will immediately return. This is not just an old wives' saying. Anyone who wants to achieve love, the return of the past, must understand that partners must equally be dependent on each other. If one side is too overwhelmed with attention, then it will give back the same amount of care less. Therefore, as much as you want to be accepted, loved, appreciated, learn to appreciate, love, accept yourself. Stop trying to catch up, convince them of love, give them the opportunity to feel how things could be different.

At this moment the fun begins. When someone who is confident in his exclusivity does not find the usual support, his self-image begins to crumble. In this case, the crisis cannot be avoided; perhaps the man will come back with claims and conflicts. After all, if one side becomes independent and confident, the other feels discomfort. At this moment, you should not destroy your built-up understanding of yourself, or succumb to instilling feelings of guilt. He must experience an internal conflict, and then realize how wrong his assessment of what was happening was.

Return strategy

If the situation arises that the chosen one has left for his ex, then before returning him, you should think carefully about everything. Surely there was no end to the previous relationship, which is why the guy returned. It is possible that you can attract the young man back, but the likelihood that his behavior will be repeated is high.

It is worth reviving former love if only there is a real feeling and desire for a serious relationship. After all, they often take a break for this in order to irrevocably sort out their feelings. It’s normal to miss your ex-love, even if the breakup was preceded by a well-considered decision. Such a pause helps the feelings cool down a little, and each partner realizes their own desires. After a break in the relationship, you can make an appointment with the guy and discuss issues of interest regarding the relationship. This can serve as the beginning of a new stage.

If there is a pause in the relationship, then there is no need to completely avoid the guy if there is a connection through study, work, etc. Pausing means interrupting phone calls, personal communication and intimate contacts. If the ex initiates the meeting himself, then you should invite him to wait a pause, but first set a deadline and make it clear that he is a significant person in life.

During the separation, the young lady should work on her own self-esteem, deal with any depressive states that have arisen, and anxieties, if any. The young man definitely does not want the difficult relationship to return.

Motivation and first steps

I think the first part of the blog article has already made you move in the right direction, all that remains is to understand how to practically let go of the man you love, especially if he is not with you. According to media psychologist Labkovsky, this is an incorrectly posed question. It doesn't matter if you've been dumped or you, the action comes from the head. That is, the union physically ended, but the body was not prepared, so it breaks, it protests. Parting with a loved one is like depriving a drug addict of his dose. Therefore, you need to think not about how to forget Him, but how to overcome internal problems, sort out your head, and stop seeing a “dose” in another person.

At the same time, the psychologist notes that even the return of a loved one will not bring happiness, like a drug addict, and it will be both bad and good at the same time. As long as there is no self-love, there is no equal union, the partner will be a means of venting irritation with a hint of understanding that at any moment everything can end again. So you need not to cry over joint photographs, but to focus all your efforts on restoring your internal balance. Immediately after separation you must:

analyze mistakes, rethink, ideally learn to meditate;
prioritize yourself, your own feelings and emotions;
spend your free time working on yourself;
As a bonus, you can do something you’ve always only dreamed of.

Work on mistakes

If conflicts existed due to the continuous absence of a partner, then by renewing the relationship, a person will not be able to suddenly turn into a homebody and the confrontation will repeat. It is advisable to return a beloved guy if the girl is ready to come to terms with his shortcomings, while changing her own behavior regarding his demands, if he initiated the breakup.

In any confrontations that end in the cessation of all contacts, both partners are to blame, so non-stop accusations that because of one side the relationship collapsed will not contribute to its resumption. It is difficult to find a person who wants to independently take responsibility for the fact that the relationship broke up and be invariably to blame.

It would be advisable to look for your own mistakes, think about solving them, openly admit them to the guy and then only express your dissatisfaction with him. It is necessary to express ways to solve the difficulties that have arisen, it is necessary to discuss what the girl can personally do to normalize the relationship.

Finding your own reasons for rekindling the relationship will help you get your boyfriend back after a breakup. If the desire is dictated by the lack of any attention from the chosen one, then it is unlikely that you should start all over again. Such motivation will only lead to building fake relationships that will not become full-fledged.

He came back and then he left

The so-called vicious circle, when a man, in principle, does not want a relationship, he then disappears, but again wants to return everything. Moreover, his return usually occurs on a grand scale, with promises of eternal love, apologies on his knees, and flowers. And leaving can be either enchanting with a scandal, or quiet, without explanation. There can be several manifestations of such “love”:

Abusive relationships. A man gets high by inflicting pain; he needs a surge of emotions, which he feeds on like a vampire. In such a union there will be no chubby babies, no lavish wedding, just a repetition of pain and momentary joy. You need to not just let such a person go, but hope that he never returns. And it will disappear only when it does not find a response and recharge.
"Spare." In addition to inveterate abusers, there are also practical guys who leave an alternate airfield after breaking up. He met a new passion, but at the same time he is in no hurry to leave with all his socks. He can periodically write, call, and maybe drop by for the night. It is necessary to realize that love does not happen temporarily or on weekends. There is no need to wait for him to make up his mind, this is humiliating, he needs to be let go and forgotten.
Owner. Another specimen who, even after a breakup, needs to know that there is no replacement for him. He does not love, does not care, but at the same time he is jealous, scandalous, literally strangling with total control. This kind of behavior should not be confused with love, it has nothing in common. Even if at first such treatment may be flattering, over time you will want to howl at night from the lack of personal space.

Correspondence rules

They directly intersect with the rules of communication:

Do not write sudden messages without a good reason . This is perceived as an invasion of privacy.
Choose one messenger or one social network. A person should have the right not to answer if he is in a non-resource state.
This is especially true for cases where the breakup was painful.
Don't ignore . This is a very unpleasant form of passive aggression that should be avoided at all costs. If there is no opportunity or desire to correspond right now, it is better to write this to the person directly and disconnect.

You will learn more about correspondence after a breakup from this article.

Advice from men

All words are good in theory, so it’s more objective to take advice from real men. If the desire to renew the union is too great and there is no doubt that without it life will not be bright, then you should resort to behavioral rules and start your game upon the return of your loved one. So, what does the stronger sex advise:

Look after yourself. A person of any gender longs to see a beautiful and neat appearance in front of him. If, after spending time together, manicure and gym were forgotten, it’s time to catch up. Even if he meets by chance, he sees the one he fell in love with at the first meeting.
Confidence. Let's return to the discussion. If a woman loves herself, those around her love her. The gait, the look, the tone of voice, everything should scream that this is a self-sufficient and self-confident person.
Common interests. Does he like chess? Go ahead to the game courses. Snowboard? It's time to go to the ski slopes. World of Tanks? It's probably enough to just stop hating this game.
Self-development. At a general party, he must again understand that this is a developed personality, and not an armchair critic of TV series. Start reading, learning a new language, or learning the intricacies of cooking. The main thing is interest.
No contact or surveillance. No calls or browsing social networks. No control. Also, don’t fill your feed with staged photos of a happy life. It’s better, on the contrary, to go online less often, let him get bored and perplexed.
Patience. The wait could take months; don't rush his decision to return.

How to forget a loved one in 1 hour

Internal pain after a breakup will not allow you to live in peace. On the contrary, a lot of stress will lead to psychosomatic diseases and insomnia.

The easiest way to get rid of internal pain is to work through the situation with a psychologist so that it goes away forever.

I guarantee that in 90 minutes you will stop worrying about the problem of your past relationships and you will return to a happy life.

Free consultation