By the age of 20, you may have already gained some experience in love: you broke the heart of another, yourself, suffered, healed, almost got married, but came to your senses - maybe more than once. Now, when a new romance begins, you can call it another and cross out the stages in your notebook: the first date, the third, the first joy shared, the first time you slept together, the first time you understood each other without words. The first debate is about what doesn't belong on the kitchen table (oh my god, again?).
It's not about sex, but about love and its quiet tenderness. We expect only good things from love: common breath, understanding, consolation, unquenchable passion and a strange feeling that this person is your home. We expect so much that sometimes we avoid feeling out of fear that nothing will work out. But the main disappointment lies ahead: falling in love is not as difficult as accepting that it’s all over (Lord, again?).
No one goes into a relationship planning for a future of petty squabbles, losing respect for each other, and trying to figure out the last time you had sex. No one rubs their hands with the thought: “Hurray, I know that later passion will give way to sluggish friendliness, and then devastation will come!”
This is the great mystery of love: it begins as if it were the last time, and ends as if it were collapsing for the first time. But you’re not surprised when another couple breaks up nearby, are you? Because she's not yours.
What it is?
Falling in love is a positive feeling that arises when looking at the object of sympathy.
Consciousness at this moment narrows, which leads to ignoring the shortcomings of the object.
A person idealizes him and pays attention only to his positive qualities.
This feeling is hope for possible happiness. A person experiences a bright feeling that inspires him, gives birth to love for life and everything around him.
However, a lover most often experiences feelings not for a real person, but for her image that he represents. He becomes dependent on the object of his adoration.
At the physical level, this phenomenon is explained by the functioning of certain glands in the human body.
The hormone dopamine leads to a powerful surge of emotions. It helps a person move towards his goal, overcoming obstacles.
How do we fall in love?
Love as a feeling is more complex than sexual attraction. Coitus is just testosterone, estrogen, a few hormones ending in “n”, and the activity of the preoptic region of the hypothalamus.
But romantic love can be seen if you put 17 lovers in an MRI machine.
Certain brain structures—the right caudate nucleus and the right ventral tegmental area—are flooded with dopamine. These areas are associated with reward and motivation in all mammals, including humans. It is thanks to dopamine rewards that we enjoy eating tartar, learning Latin, snorting cocaine, and falling in love.
“Romantic love is not primarily an emotion, but a motivational system,” American scientists comment on the study. We don't just feel good about being close to the object of our love: dopamine wants us to make the other person happy, to believe that there is something special between us, and to protect it. This is how our brain works.
Some scientists even believe that it was this annoying desire that created civilization! There is a theory that reduces the origin of art to sexual selection: when we show intelligence, creativity, imagination, and the ability to move deftly, we are simply showing off in front of potential partners.
What are the signs?
Recognizing a person in love is quite simple ; the following signs help:
- obsessive thoughts about the object of adoration,
- frequent mood swings,
- insomnia,
- rash acts,
- redness of the face when the object of adoration appears in the room,
- loss of appetite,
- "glitter" in the eyes,
- cardiopalmus,
- anxiety, shyness.
In addition, a person partially loses the ability to think logically. He makes rash decisions and does stupid things.
It can be very difficult to concentrate on anything. Some people are drawn to creativity. They become inspired to write poetry, music, and paintings.
Signs of falling in love:
Where do bright feelings come from?
The most important role in the generation of passion and intense romantic feelings is played by The neurobiology of love dopamine, writes Semir Zeki, professor of neurobiology at University College London. By acting on certain receptors in the brain, this neurotransmitter motivates us to fulfill our desires and achieve goals - usually they are associated with something useful for life. For example, with reproduction (respectively, the desire to acquire an object of passion) or with obtaining new knowledge, impressions, experience: the better you know the situation and the more you can do, the higher the chances of survival.
Dopamine is associated with the joy of new experiences, travel, overcoming danger, the desire to grow in salary and my desire to finish this article. Dopamine and monogamy receptors for dopamine D2 are responsible for our love impulses - they are backed up by D1, which block interest in other potential partners.
So, we abandon friends, lose productivity, cannot tear ourselves away from each other, orgasms make our vision darken. But this is temporary.
Difference from love
There are several important differences:
- What attracts. When falling in love, a person’s physical characteristics are attracted, and love implies a craving for personality and internal qualities. Physical attraction is also there, but fades into the background.
- How it develops. Falling in love develops quickly, but love develops slowly. It is impossible to love a person without getting to know him.
- Interest . When falling in love, it flares up and then goes out, love speaks of more permanent feelings.
- Impact on humans . Falling in love plunges a person into dreams, he ceases to be responsible. Love reveals the best qualities of a person and causes the desire to become better.
- Breakups . Time and distance will lead to the disappearance of love; a person will quickly forget the object of adoration. True love will last even at a distance. People will love each other even if they separate for a while. The feelings will become even stronger, intensify.
- The basis of feelings . If this is love, a person cares only about himself, dreams of his own happiness. If this is love, a person strives to make another happy. He gives more than he receives.
An important detail that many people forget: there is no such thing as love at first sight, there is only falling in love. In any case, it will take time for love to be born. Falling in love is the first step on the path to true love.
How to distinguish love from infatuation? Find out from the video:
Love and psychology
According to candidate of medical sciences, psychoanalyst Alexander Poleev, love is a complex phenomenon, most similar to obsessive-compulsive neurosis: the same preoccupation with narrowly focused experiences, the same disorders of the autonomic nervous system - from rapid heartbeat to increased sweating and even urination.
Today, psychologists claim that falling in love does not arise when we meet “the woman or man of our dreams,” but when we experience an internal crisis, often on a subconscious level. In such a state, we need new emotions, sensations, and a strong veil of surging feelings obscures our eyes, hiding the depressing reality behind us. We accept a person by seeing his “showcase”, his best qualities on display, and we create for ourselves the illusion of a dream come true.
The most important element of “love neurosis” is idealization—the undeserved attribution of supernatural virtues and remarkable human and intellectual qualities to the “favorite object.” And after six months or a year it turns out that we simply invented most of the qualities.
Experts warn: choosing a partner is a serious matter, and making it in a painful state of love neurosis is extremely dangerous; it is better to wait for recovery, when you see him for who he really is.
When does true love begin?
It all depends on the couple themselves: sometimes this feeling lasts for several months, and sometimes for many years.
Usually when falling in love ends, true love begins .
Despite the revealed shortcomings, people continue to love each other, care and treat each other with tenderness.
This is a strong feeling that can last a lifetime .
Psychology of a man in love:
How common hobbies transform into desire
According to the two-factor theory of emotions Two-factor theory of emotions - Wikipedia and the Excitation-transfer theory, the brain has an interesting tendency to interpret average-intensity sensations depending on the context. This was first proven in an experiment with two bridges. Two groups of men walked across different bridges: a stable one and a shaky one. In both cases, the participants were met by an attractive girl who asked questions from the questionnaire and left her number. Men who met a girl on a dangerous bridge called and made an appointment more often.
Researchers believe that in a relatively safe situation, the brain is able to mistake mild fear for excitement (if there is someone exciting nearby) and happily spend the produced dopamine on it. This may work with other stimuli and neurotransmitters as well.
In another experiment, Enhancement of Experienced Sexual Arousal in Response to Erotic Stimuli Through Misattribution of Unrelated Residual Excitation, subjects from different groups first received physical activity - light, moderate and strong - and then watched erotica. Participants in the second group became aroused the fastest. The remnants of excitement caused by sports, at the right opportunity, were transformed into sexual desire.
3 year hypothesis
Why do they say that love lasts two or three years? There is a theory that love lasts three years. In fact, there is some truth in it , but not the whole truth.
In the first three years of a relationship, people feel intense passion and euphoria. Feelings can be bright, intense, and literally bind people to each other.
However, feelings gradually weaken, people get used to each other, and begin to see shortcomings. This leads to quarrels, scandals, which lead to emotional wounds.
As a result, love disappears, but leaving a loved one can sometimes be very difficult. People get used to each other , become attached, and remember joyful moments.
If in this case a person tries to understand his soulmate, accepts her shortcomings, a real feeling will be born that can last a lifetime.
People will enter a new stage of relationships. Three years later, love does not end, but is just beginning .
Euphoria, head in the clouds and selfishness disappear. People begin to care about each other and become truly close. Even without euphoria, they continue to be together, enjoying each other's company.
How to prove to a girl that you love her? Advice from psychologists will help you!
Is it true that love lasts 3 years? Expert opinion:
Why start if it's all over?
Some decide never to participate in this circus again. A pony doesn't want to run around in circles, especially a pony on antidepressants: Scientists suggest that selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (a group of third-generation antidepressants developed to treat anxiety disorders and depression), if taken for a long time, can suppress both libido and the ability to romantically love and stable long-term relationships.
Romantic love is not only a high feeling. This is still a low level of serotonin, due to which you cannot get rid of obsessive thoughts (the same symptom manifests itself in patients with obsessive-compulsive disorder) about your lover. We treat anxiety or OCD with antidepressants, and at the same time love fever.
Thank science, now you can use contraception and not get married. Perhaps leaving the relationship is a great idea?
Maria, 31, personnel development specialist:
“Now I’ve been single for two years, and I plan to abstain from relationships for at least another year. After a failed romance, I turned to a psychotherapist and during the course of therapy I realized that romantic relationships are greatly overrated. At least, what they sing under their guise: “I can’t live without you,” “you are my whole world,” “we are one,” “there is no life without love.” When you need to constantly sacrifice something, endure, be good and please.
I don’t know where I got this relationship model from. Maybe the fact is that my mother always considered other people better than herself and passed this belief on to me: I believed that I was just a person, and men were ideal heroes. Now I’m learning to see them as ordinary people, not to give if I don’t see a return, to satisfy my needs. I ignore when someone shows romantic or sexual interest in me: I do not separate these two concepts.
If they ask how my personal life is, I tell them about my decision to temporarily abandon the relationship. Someone is sympathetic - most often those acquaintances who are undergoing psychotherapy. Others begin to say that it’s time to hook up with someone, get married, have children. In the summer I visited relatives in a small town - when most of the women met, they looked to see if there was a ring on my ring finger, and sympathetically asked how it happened that I was still not married.”
Timofey, 28 years old, director of public relations, streamer on Twitch:
“I’ll emphasize right away: I’m not a misogynist, I don’t attach labels to anyone and I’m talking exclusively about my personal experience.
When my long and serious relationship ended three years ago, I decided that I would no longer be bound by it. I no longer want to experience the feelings of pain, humiliation or fear that somehow accompany a relationship. You are constantly forced to adapt to your partner, look for ways to reconcile if you quarrel, and do not manage your own time and desires. Sooner or later, your partner begins to demand that you sacrifice your personal space, abuses you, and in a completely creepy way, gaslights you and all the time declares: “A man owes it!” (most often money). In addition, like many people, it is difficult for me to find a person with whom it would be truly interesting.
When a girl I like shows romantic interest in me, I honestly say that there will be no relationship. I didn’t refuse sex, so I can offer her “friendship with benefits,” but nothing more. I don’t want to hurt anyone or take advantage of anyone, so I try to negotiate on the shore.
I must admit that many people react ambiguously to my position. If someone advises me to find a girlfriend, I always ask the same question: why? Living alone is cool. Very. If anything, I cook pretty well, I know how to wash and clean, I even know how to sew... And even if I couldn’t, that’s not why they get a girlfriend. Mentally, I get more from my favorite job and friends. In my opinion, at my age a man should generally be interested in only three things: career, business and money. And the rest will follow.”
When will the passion subside?
Passion is a vivid feeling that arises in both men and women. Despite the fact that passion can literally control a person and tie him to his soulmate, it cannot last forever.
Its duration depends on the person himself, his character traits, interests, and personality traits. According to psychologists, passion lasts from several weeks to one year.
Passion without love disappears quickly, this especially often happens when a couple begins to live together. Cohabitation is the best way to get to know your soulmate and not everything will suit you.
If previously a person felt passion and elevated the object of adoration , then during cohabitation he falls from heaven to earth and understands that the object of adoration is a completely ordinary, real person who is in many ways not ideal.
How love changes over time
If the subsiding dopamine wave has not revealed a pile of garbage on the shore from misunderstanding and disappointment, then it makes sense to talk about vasopressin and oxytocin. They are your invitation cards to a cozy family life.
These social molecules form THE ROLE OF OXYTOCIN AND VASOPRESSIN IN ATTACHMENT related warmth, tenderness, and give a feeling of calm and security next to loved ones. Oxytocin is released at the dating stage, plays a big role in the formation of attachment and, unlike dopamine, does not leave you after a year of relationship.
Oxytocin is especially active in women (it is associated with maternal feelings and is involved in lactation), and in men vasopressin, which is chemically similar to it, plays an important role. It forms paternal feelings and “turns on” care, as well as aggression towards other candidates for a partner. Women are also familiar with the feeling of vasopressin ownership, although to a lesser extent.
A strong surge in oxytocin and/or vasopressin is detrimental to dopamine, according to Daniel Lieberman, a psychiatrist and author of the book Dopamine: The Most Essential Hormone. This is partly why immediately after the birth of a child you usually don’t really want sex. But moderate concentrations of these substances promote the release of SERIAL MONOGAMY AND CLANDESTINE ADULTERY dopamine, which is associated with arousal, notes Rutgers University anthropologist Helen Fisher.
In long-term relationships, areas of the brain associated with sympathy are also activated. Friendship The Anatomy of Friendship relies on them, which is accompanied by the release of opioids and endorphins (they act on opioid receptors).
Like vasopressin and oxytocin, in moderate quantities these substances additionally activate Oxytocin Enhances Brain Reward System Responses in Men Viewing the Face of Their Female Partner dopamine (and with it sexual desire). Therefore, strong friendship is a component of passion. And also loyalty. According to the paper The Influence of Endogenous Opioids on the Relationship between Testosterone and Romantic Bonding by researchers at Oklahoma State University, friendship-related opioids appear to lower testosterone levels in both men, but especially so in men because they naturally have more testosterone. (by the way, vasopressin and oxytocin have a similar effect). Meanwhile, this hormone is tightly intertwined with sexual desire and supports the desire to find someone to procreate. Those who are in successful relationships, and especially those who are raising children, have lower testosterone levels than those who are single.
But in men (less often in women), who lack something in the family, testosterone increases, they begin to desire intimacy more strongly. And given that not everything is going well in a relationship, they often resort to connections on the side, experts conclude.
This should not be taken as an excuse for cheating.
In the end, successfully married people can cheat even with low testosterone, but those with high concentrations can still remain faithful. Because cheating is primarily a choice, not biology.
Messengers and Messengers
For the fire of love to engulf us, the brain must send signals throughout the body. The signals are not electrical, but chemical, in the form of certain hormones, or more precisely, neurotransmitters. Scientists have also found out which ones: during romantic love, the content of dopamine, the goal hormone, as well as norepinephrine (adrenaline) increases in the blood.
At the same time, the content of serotonin, the pleasure hormone, decreases. As a result, love is strongly associated with suffering (lack of serotonin) and at the same time with high rise and inspiration (excess adrenaline). As for the main “culprit” - dopamine, it gives complete concentration on the subject of passion. He imperiously compels one to achieve a goal, to strive for the possession of such a desired object.
Where does love live?
The heart is considered to be the seat of love. In fact, the heart is not a source, but an indicator of love. Its desperate knocking, which everyone around seems to hear, its frightening interruptions let us know how strong this feeling is.
Anthropologist and Doctor of Science Helen Fisher knows where love lives. She found this out experimentally with the help of computed tomography and several dozen loving volunteers.
Love, it turns out, lives in the head, in the deepest and most ancient parts of the brain, which we inherited from our ancient ancestors - reptiles. This is where our basic, uncontrollable feelings and drives reside. It was these departments that became more active when a portrait of the object of their passion appeared before the eyes of the lovers. When they were shown a photo of a simply familiar person, no activation occurred.
But this is not chemistry yet, but physics.
Young family
Many lovers try to rush to the registry office in order to legitimize their relationship and become a real unit of society. Their affection is built solely on fleeting feelings, which seem to have no limits. What happens next? After the ceremonial wedding, the most ordinary gray everyday life begins in the life of a young family, when they need to work to equip their home and life in it. If you don’t have your own home, you’ll have to live in rented apartments - it’s just romantic!
Here the erroneous opinion emerges that love and life are incompatible things. Although, in reality this is not the case. Many people get married, have children, work, and do well.
What is the secret of happiness for some married couples and divorce in others, where everything started so well? The latter were simply not prepared for the fact that love is not only walks under the moon and passionate intimacy, but also endless work on relationships, the responsibility of partners to each other. Therefore, many young families that were created on immature feelings cannot withstand the everyday problems that fall on them and fall apart. Other marriages last for many years.
By the way
About the benefits of courtship
The “vitality” of relationships is largely determined by the speed of their development. Once the blinding passion subsides, we suddenly discover that the object of our adoration is not without its shortcomings. Why did he change so quickly?
In fact, he did not change, it’s just that in the heat of love we had neither the time nor the opportunity to see our chosen one.
A long period of courtship allows two people to get to know each other better and at least partially insure themselves against unpleasant discoveries.
How to revive passion and strengthen feelings
So, here is a list of the main factors that influence the formation of dopamine passion. Notice how often these things happen in your life. If not, use the list as a guide to improve your relationship.
Create, develop and share your experience
As already mentioned, researchers note that in long-term happy relationships, in addition to friendship, personal growth plays a role. This idea was even turned into a whole theory of self-expansion, Self-Expansion Theory. According to her, if a partner contributes to new experiences, this strengthens love and passion. You can take the theory literally: a person expands your knowledge and skills, opens up new horizons for you, brings something new to life, supports your ideas and helps you realize them. From a biological perspective, it raises your awareness of the world and how to make life safer and more prosperous to a new level.
So travel (our evolutionary roots encourage the exploration of new territories), learn something together, helping each other (it is important that it is really interesting for both), run a common business, and so on.
Focus on novelty
Everything new is also surrounded by a dopamine flair - for the brain it is also a new experience, even if it does not develop you as effectively as a new book, a startup or a trip abroad.
Give gifts, change your favorite places for walks with new locations. Role-playing games with dressing up also give off something new, don’t they?
Indulge in extreme sports (but in moderation)
With very vivid sensations, the brain no longer confuses the stimuli - in the experiment described above, the men just walked along a bridge swaying in the wind.
In movies, we often see how a couple who have survived troubles unite in a kiss. At the moment of danger, we have no time for romance, but when it recedes, dopamine takes over. It is needed to calm Dopamine neurons drive fear extinction learning by signaling the omission of expected aversive outcomes, the feeling of fear when everything is behind. If it weren’t for him, we would have been shaking for hours after the harmless rustle that frightened us.
Solve common problems
This activates THE ROLE OF OXYTOCIN AND VASOPRESSIN IN ATTACHMENT oxytocin and vasopressin, which increase attachment. According to the theory of self-expansion, close people perceive their partner’s problems as their own, which means they are ready to participate in solving them.
Don't blame your common troubles on your partner. Help him cope with difficulties and seek help yourself.
How can you develop relationships?
You can compare the development of a relationship with a child growing up: the mother never gets bored with him, because he changes all the time. As soon as I learned to crawl, I already need to master the steps. As soon as I was able to walk confidently without help, it was time to teach words and sounds. It’s the same in a couple: as soon as one period passes, the second begins, and therefore the couple always faces new tasks. If you are stuck in one of the stages for too long, there is a feeling of being “stuck,” then it makes sense to resort to family or individual psychotherapy.
Research
Relationships that are born between people can be characterized by both habit and violent passion or crazy love. Some people, despite strong feelings, cannot spend a long time with one person, while others cannot imagine their life without their loved one, and keep tender feelings until the end of their days.
Many studies have been conducted on this topic. So Frederick Beigbeder built a theory claiming that intense love lasts three years. In his research, he took data from British scientists indicating that falling in love is a manifestation of chemical processes that occur in the human body. Love activity manifests itself under the influence of dopamine. Other studies claim that romance cannot last longer than four years, and outbursts that occur in a couple who have lived under the same roof for a long time are a manifestation of strong attachment or attraction. Scientist Fisher is convinced that love only exists for a year and a half; it is caused by increased activity in certain parts of the brain that are responsible for attraction at a basic level, for instincts; high feelings do not exist.
According to statistics, such stages of love as romance and passion really exist for no more than three years, but the desire to live with a person under the same roof can reach ten years, and cases of cohabitation are not uncommon until very old age.
How long is the age of love?
And scientists know this. The state of ardent love lasts on average 12-17 months. This is, in principle, enough to achieve reciprocity or receive a final refusal. If the fire of passion burned longer, it would simply burn us to the ground, which is clearly not part of nature’s plans. Happy lovers would die from exhaustion, and rejected lovers would die from unbearable suffering.
But there are no rules without exceptions. In some cases, love can last a very long time. Especially if this is unhappy love. For happy love, nature has a mechanism that turns a violent flame into an even fire of the hearth. For unhappy love there is no such mechanism - only the instinct of self-preservation. It doesn't always work.
