Who is an abuser in simple words. 4 simple steps to get out of an abusive relationship

Abusive relationships are most often associated with physical violence towards your significant other. But in reality, only a small part of abusers reach direct violence. In most cases, abusive partners use much more cunning methods, so that even the victim herself does not always understand that she is in an abusive relationship. In this article we will try to understand what abusers are, what methods they use to subjugate their partner, and what to do in such situations.

A cruel person uses rudeness to keep his partner at a certain emotional distance - behavior that in the language of psychologists is called mediation of intimacy. Lady Bancroft "Tyrant Husbands"

What is abuse

The word abuse (from the English “abuse”, with emphasis on the second syllable) means treating someone with violence, disrespect, cruelty, harm or force. When someone treats their partner in any of these ways, it is called an abusive relationship. Abuse in relationships can come in many forms. Abusers strive for absolute control and may use threats, manipulation, psychological, emotional, economic or physical violence to achieve this.

Stages of a relationship with an abusive woman

At the first stage of a relationship with an abusive woman, one gets the impression that she knows how to listen, support, is ready to emotionally invest and be there in difficult times, without asking for anything in return.

At the second stage, smoothly and imperceptibly, but quite quickly, the abusive woman begins to occupy all the man’s free space. Time that could previously be devoted to her parents' family, children, friends, hobbies or sports is now entirely hers. But this is not enough for her.

At the third stage, encroachments on personal space begin. At first it looks like jealousy, a desire to be together, and such all-consuming love is captivating.

A woman’s next target is her bank account, working hours, travel time from point A to home, all conversations and contacts on the phone, total control. She seems to absorb her partner completely. And the man involuntarily has a desire to pay off, to give everything in order to give himself a break. But it is impossible to pay off while the man still has something that does not yet belong to her.

Who is an abuser

An abuser, in simple words, is someone who endangers the state of mind, health and life of a person under his direct or indirect subordination. This can be not only a significant other, but also a relative, friend, colleague, etc. At the same time, the abuser is fully aware of the consequences of his actions. It is a deliberate and deliberate act aimed at controlling and subjugating the victim. Abuse is carried out through manipulation, psychological pressure or physical violence.

Why does an abuser behave this way?

Abuse in relationships has long been a subject of interest to scholars around the world. However, it has not yet been possible to identify any specific set of personal qualities of people who use violence in relationships. Abuse is common among all segments of the population: poor, rich, educated and uneducated, which makes it difficult to understand the psychology of the abuser. The only common feature of such people is a certain way of thinking in the style: “I hit, but I love.”

Psychopathological characteristics of an abuser include:

lack of empathy - the ability to empathize with another person;
self-doubt combined with the desire to dominate;
experiencing pleasure from violence associated with the conscious or unconscious infliction of suffering on someone;
increasing one's own self-esteem by humiliating others.

Unfortunately, violence can mean some kind of imbalance, an imbalance of power. The tormentor usually has a significant advantage over the victim. In such relationships, there is often a significant asymmetry of power, which distinguishes systematic abuse from outbursts of anger. The abuser is in many ways stronger than the victim, so it seems that he is in the so-called winning position. Thus, a male abuser can use violence against his partner for years, but never be held accountable for it, since the victim does not even try to contact law enforcement agencies, because “he will still get away with it.”

Abusers are born or made

Scientists believe that some people have a certain genetic predisposition to abusive behavior. However, there is no evidence base that would help determine that a person has innate factors that push him to aggressive and violent actions. A much more significant factor is the environment in which a person grows and lives. In most cases, it is authoritarian parents (most often the father) and a cruel environment that are the reason that a person begins to demonstrate destructive tendencies.

Can anyone become an abuser?

Not every person has a predisposition to abusive behavior. In fact, most people have a high enough level of empathy to notice the signs of an abuser and correct them themselves. Thus, even if you hurt your loved one, most likely you will draw conclusions from this and try not to let it happen again. Abusers are distinguished by exceptional rationalization of their behavior, sometimes bordering on psychopathy.

Picky

Tamara's story

Tamara always admired Andrei: he was so handsome in his suits, so well-read and important. Next to him I felt like a little girl who had something to learn from him. She considered him the smartest and told their children about this: “Your dad is the smartest, listen to him, he knows everything. Definitely bigger than me."

She still thinks so: her husband Andrey has two higher educations and is successful in business. By the time they met, he had already seen a lot, traveled all over Europe, and in Moscow moved among rich and wealthy people.

Compared to him, she—the author of “several good articles on clothes”—was too insignificant.

Tamara did not immediately understand that she was under psychological pressure. Andrei always considered himself an expert on all issues, and over time she began to notice that she did not have the right to express her opinion on any of them. He could sit next to her, put his hand on her knee and start ranting: “Now I’ll tell you everything.” And this “everything” concerned absolutely everything; not a single thought of hers, in his opinion, was worth anything.

In the company of friends, Andrei spoke condescendingly about her: they say, forgive this long-haired blonde for her stupidity, she’s such a fool to me, you know it yourself.

Types of abuse

Domestic violence is divided into two types: hot and cold. The first is characterized by spontaneity, and is most often based on anger combined with frustration. This type of aggression occurs relatively quickly and disappears just as quickly after the abuser’s emotional charge is discharged.

On the other hand, cold violence is motivated by calculation and premeditation. There is no place for anger because aggressive behavior and emotions are not required to achieve the desired effect. This type of abuse is most often found in people who tend to build interpersonal relationships according to an authoritarian model.

Let's look at the main types of abuse.

Psychological abuse

Psychological abuser, signs:

he humiliates and ridicules the victim's problems;
manipulates the victim for his own benefit;
deliberately creates conflicts and involves the victim in them;
does not demonstrate moral support;
forces the victim to identify with his views on life;
has no interest in her feelings and interests;
constantly criticizes and suppresses the victim;
limits and prohibits contact with other people;
forces the victim to do things that the victim does not want to do;
uses threats, blackmail, etc.

Psychological violence is the most difficult to combat because it cannot be identified and measured. This is because some situations or behavior that may seem trivial to an outside observer, but may not constitute harassment or abuse, may have very serious psychological consequences for the victim, depending on the situation.

Economic abuse

Economic abuse in relationships is often called financial terror. It is most often described as a situation in which money or other material possessions are used to satisfy the abuser's need for power and control. Unfortunately, this type of violence is very common in family relationships. The abuser views money as a tool to completely control the victim.

Economic abuse most often occurs in partnerships/marriages, where the man is the main source of income, and the girl is only a secondary one, or takes care of the housework. Women who do not work and are dependent on their husband often mistakenly believe that because he earns money, he has the right to decide how the money is spent and control what it is used for. An equally difficult situation is for women whose partners avoid working, which often goes hand in hand with alcohol.

Physical violence

Physical violence most often occurs within the family, behind closed doors. Physical violence always means violating another person's physical integrity, intentionally damaging another person's body, or causing pain. There are studies that show that women are more likely to use physical aggression against men.

This type of abuse usually takes the form of pushing, slapping, choking, and other “mild” forms of violence. As a result, the victim may have subtle marks, such as bruises in areas covered by clothing. Men, on the other hand, use more dangerous and risky forms of physical aggression, which are more often associated with negative health consequences and even death of the victim (fractures, cuts, burns, etc.).

Sexual and reproductive abuse

Sexual abuse is at the core of sexually aggressive behavior and in practice can range from requests and persuasion to coercion into sexual contact. This can be verbal and emotional pressure, an appeal to feelings of guilt or pity. Even if your partner is not forcing you to have sexual intercourse against your will, making your partner feel obligated to do so is itself coercion.

Examples of sexual abuse:

the abuser implies that the victim owes him something sexual in exchange for previous gifts or actions;
the abuser gives the victim alcohol or drugs to “weaken” her self-control;
using one's status in a relationship as leverage, including by demanding sex as a way to “prove one's love” or threatening to end the relationship;
manipulations in which the abuser feigns sadness or disappointment from being rejected, trying to make the victim feel guilty;
intimidation and threats when refusing sex;
coercion into forms of sex and sexual behavior that make the partner feel uncomfortable;
insults, suffocation, infliction of pain and other forms of violence during sex without the consent of the partner;
involving other people in sexual activity without the consent of the partner;
coercion to watch or film pornography.

Reproductive abuse is another form of power and control in which the abuser seeks to deprive the partner of control over his or her reproductive system. This form of coercion is extremely difficult to identify - it is often less visible than other types of abuse, and can manifest as emotional pressure, guilt or shame about having or wanting a child (or the reverse situation). Due to the nature of this form of abuse, in the vast majority of cases it is used against women by a partner or close relatives.

Examples of reproductive abuse:

refusal to use a condom or other contraceptives without the consent of the partner:
deliberately misinforming the victim about birth control methods (for example, hiding information about a vasectomy or taking the pill);
deliberate sabotage of birth control methods (piercing condoms or substituting birth control pills);
withholding funds to purchase contraceptives;
coercion into pregnancy and disregard for a woman’s opinion about when and whether to have children;
deliberate manipulation of a woman’s feelings in order to push her to make a decision to conceive;
coercion to perform an abortion or prevent its completion;
threats or violence if the victim refuses to terminate or continue the pregnancy.

What signals should not be ignored

Humiliation and criticism

The aggressor will definitely try to undermine your self-esteem. And this is how he will do it.

"You are my little pig..."

At first, the abuser will not openly insult the victim, otherwise she will become indignant and get off the hook. Therefore, he will present insults as something natural or even funny. He will not miss an opportunity to call his partner stupid, a loser, or even worse. If the victim is indignant in response, she is told that “I’m the one who loves you” and “you don’t understand jokes at all.”

This also includes nicknames that seem cute at first glance, but are actually offensive, like “my donut”, “little pig”, “fool”. As a result, the victim gets used to such humiliating language addressed to him and begins to think that he is really stupid, fat and that nothing will work out for her.

"Forever you..."

Anything can happen next: you are late, you stumble, you make mistakes, you ruin everything. Such remarks are accompanied by tsking and rolling of the eyes, and after that the abuser will definitely say something like this: “It’s good that you have me. What would you do without me? Regularly hearing something like this, the victim sooner or later comes to the conclusion that he is really worthless and cannot cope without his “savior”.

“It’s okay, they’re our friends!”

The aggressor can easily subject the victim to public humiliation. For example, rudely make fun of her in the presence of friends or make fun of her awkwardness. To all complaints, he will say that there is nothing wrong with this and since everyone is funny, then she should be funny too.

“Are you going to the circus with this makeup? Come on, it’s just a joke!”

Harsh sarcasm, stupid jokes that are actually insults packaged in third-rate humor - abusers love to use all this to destabilize the victim and make him feel insignificant. If she starts to get indignant, she will definitely hear that she misunderstood everything and, in general, you shouldn’t be so vulnerable.

“Others at your age are already earning millions”

No achievement will impress the abuser.

Got a promotion at work? It’s a little late, of course, but that’s okay, for you this is commendable.
Got a prize at an important competition? Why are you happy? It’s not a victory.
Did you manage to pay off your mortgage early? Yes, your parents probably helped you.

After such statements, a person, of course, is no longer happy and thinks that his achievements are really ridiculous and mean nothing.

"Don't waste your time on this crap!"

If the victim has a hobby, the abuser will not miss the opportunity to ridicule him in every possible way. Because his task is to deprive the victim of his own life and interests, so that she spends time and energy only on him.

Control

Abusers use any techniques to subjugate their partner, deprive him of his will and make him feel shame for any offense - real or imagined.

"Where are you? Why don’t you pick up the phone right away?”

A toxic partner seeks to monitor his victim's every move. He demands that she report on his affairs and movements, and annoys her with calls and messages. Can install location monitoring programs on your phone. Can follow the victim personally. In a word, he does everything to prevent the “toy” from running away and getting used to feeling like he’s on a short leash.

“Yes, I read the messages on your phone. And what’s wrong?”

Abusers, without a twinge of conscience, can conduct digital surveillance of their victims. Read messages on social networks and instant messengers, listen to your phone, check your browser history. In some cases, they even demand passwords and invade the victim's privacy quite openly.

“This is common money. Should I have asked?

Emotional abusers do not consider it necessary to take into account the opinion of their victim and make decisions unilaterally. They can carry out some operations with common money behind their partner’s back. They can cancel a doctor’s appointment for someone else, refuse an invitation to a holiday, or express dissatisfaction with the boss because the victim spends too much time at work. In a word, they behave as if half of them have no rights.

“No, I won’t give you money. You'll spend it on nonsense again."

Financial violence is one of the favorite levers of aggressors. If the victim does not have her own income (unemployed, housewife, mother on maternity leave), they begin to reproach her with money, deprive her of finances for “misdeeds,” or give her tiny amounts that are not really enough for anything.

But even if we are talking about a working and financially independent person, the abuser will still find a way to leave him without funds. Will put all the money into his own account or stop paying the joint mortgage. He will simply take away everything he has earned, declaring that the partner does not know how to handle money, and will force you to account for every ruble spent.

“Where is my dinner? Bring it now!”

At first, abusers often seem sweet and harmless, but at some point they can begin to communicate exclusively in a commanding tone. Do this, submit that, go and buy it immediately, don’t take these medications anymore. The victim is expected to obey unquestioningly, without being at all interested in her opinion and needs.

“Again you’re driving me crazy!”

Outbursts of anger - unpredictable and completely incommensurate with the actions that cause them - are a characteristic feature of the behavior of manipulators. A person who has been in contact with such a partner for a long time begins to be afraid and literally walks on a tightrope, so as not to provoke another explosion. Because screaming, assault or pogroms can start at any moment - it’s enough to return home later than usual or not wash the dishes.

“You won’t succeed, let me do it better”

Abusers behave as if the victim is not an adult, but a small child who can and should be told what to wear, where to go, who to be friends with, what to do. The opinion of the other party is not taken into account. Such dictatorship is often served with the sauce of care. The goal is to deprive a person of independence and make him believe that he himself is not capable of anything.

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Instilling feelings of guilt

Guilt is an excellent lever with which a person is very easy to manipulate. And abusers know this very well.

“I see you’re flirting!”

The victim of an abuser may turn out to be unfaithful at any moment, even if she herself does not know about it. Smiled at the waitress? He was probably trying to flirt. Did you go to a corporate party in a beautiful dress? Well, everything is clear, this is only for the men from the office to stare at.

The “cheater” may be under surveillance; he will be forced to make excuses for every glance, sigh or smile, for every minute of being late - as if he were really guilty of something. And this is not to mention the screams, scandals and ugly scenes, including public ones.

"Aren `t you ashamed?!"

If the victim's behavior does not meet the expectations of her partner, she will definitely be told how worthless she is and how she disappointed such a good person. This will be done, for example, with the help of lengthy lectures and reprimands.

“I do so much for you! And you…"

When the victim tries to argue, object or defend their point of view, manipulators often begin to put pressure on feelings of guilt. They make it clear that they are ready to do anything for the sake of the relationship, and the other half is just an ungrateful bastard who does not value anything. By the way, this technique is very popular not only with toxic partners, but also with parents: “We have invested so much in you! Why do you hate us so much?

"It is your fault!"

It doesn’t matter what exactly is going wrong in the abuser’s life—the boss yelled, the project fell through, the tire blew out, he needs to find someone to blame. And for this role they usually choose someone defenseless and dependent, someone who cannot give a proportionate answer or send them away.

Isolation and rejection

Abusers often try to quarrel their partner with friends and relatives and force them to leave work. In a word, make sure that the victim is left alone, without anyone’s support.

“These friends were given to you. Let's have a better time together"

It is not beneficial for the abuser for his “property” to have a rear in the form of loved ones. After all, they can notice his inappropriate behavior earlier than the victim, blinded by feelings, and persuade her to leave. Therefore, it is very important for an emotional abuser to stand between his other half and her social circle. He will turn her against friends, quarrel with relatives, and directly or indirectly interfere with communication. For example, he will convince the victim that her family does not love him and is unfairly offending him, or that her friends are actually jealous of her.

"I do not want to talk to you"

One type of emotional abuse is neglect. For any “offense” the victim is punished with coldness and detachment. They deliberately deprive her of tenderness or sex, they stop talking to her, they literally stop noticing her, as if she is an empty place. If people do not yet live together, the abuser may disappear from the radar and stop answering calls.

As a result, the victim experiences a very rich palette of negative feelings - from discomfort to complete despair - and after some time is ready to beg for forgiveness, just so as not to feel rejected. And the abuser generously forgives her, so that after some time he can again give her an emotional swing.

"You are crying? Well, okay"

You won’t get sincere warmth and support from an abuser. If a partner is upset and going through a difficult time, an emotional abuser can easily ignore it, pretend they didn't notice, or say they have no right to feel what they feel.

Depreciation

The abuser tries with all his might to make the victim feel insignificant and worthless.

“Just think! Is this really a problem?

The victim tells her partner about something important to her, shares her experiences, and he demonstrates with all his appearance that this is nonsense. This behavior is called devaluation. It can be very hurtful and undermine your sense of self-worth.

Devaluation can be expressed not only verbally. There are also gestures like rolling eyes, snorting and tsking.

“You take everything too personally”

Such phrases can be a sign of gaslighting - manipulation, with the help of which they try to convince the victim of his inadequacy. Make you believe that she is too vulnerable and impressionable, or even inventing something that is not there. Typical gaslighter phrases: “You’re exaggerating”, “You just imagined it!”, “Don’t be so nervous!”, “Why are you making things up?”

If you pin an abuser against the wall with irrefutable facts, he will still deny to the last moment that he insulted you, raised his hand, followed you, or hid money. Or he will fly into a rage and declare that it was the victim who brought him to sin, which means that he himself is to blame for everything. All this is needed to destabilize the partner and achieve his submission.

How to recognize an abuser - the main signs

The pattern of behavior of an abuser, whether in sexual, family, or work or friendship relationships, is approximately the same. Only the methods and boundaries of what is acceptable differ. For example, abusive parents may try to put pressure on your self-esteem and sense of entitlement, or your boss may try to suppress any initiatives you take and reduce your working relationship to a “do as I say” principle.

How to recognize an abuser among friends and colleagues

Toxic friends and colleagues will try to manipulate you and influence you using emotional pressure. This often manifests itself in the form of boycotts, ultimatums, and gossip and rumors spread behind your back. Working in such an environment and communicating with such people, the victim feels uncomfortable, but often cannot simply break off such relationships.

Who is an abuser? Its characteristic features

An abuser is a person who exercises psychological violence and pressure on others. He has a need to constantly confirm his power and superiority. It appears most often:

in imposing a feeling of guilt - the abuser does not even think that he himself creates situations in his life and is responsible for it (“Something happened to me, and you are to blame for this because you did/didn’t do this and so and so");
in the manipulation of feelings of pity - an attempt to force another to make excuses for their success, listen to complaints about life, lend money, and so on (“You’re good, everything works out for you, you have success and money, but everything is so bad for me”);
in humiliating the dignity of another person - an attempt to lower self-esteem, instill a feeling of helplessness (“You are nothing without me,” “I knew that you wouldn’t succeed, you’re not capable of anything,” “To wear this, you first need to lose weight ", and so on).

Psychological abuse is varied and difficult to prove and track. It can manifest itself both in the form of harmless ridicule and in the form of gross insults, humiliation, and threats.

Who becomes the victim

A common feature of all victims of abuse is that they always depend on the abuser in one way or another: financially, emotionally, sometimes even physically. Victims of abusers are individuals with low self-esteem, constant feelings of guilt, and the false premise that they “owe” their abuser.

Cycles of abuse, how the aggressor prepares the victim

Abusive behavior often follows the same pattern. The victim is slowly “rocked”, gradually suppressing his will and self-esteem.

The cycle of abuse looks like this:

Favorable impression

The abuser will do everything possible to tie the victim to himself and make him dependent. To do this, he creates the image of a caring and reliable person who you can always rely on. Being under the tutelage of a more emotionally strong person, the victim shows less and less independence, trusts him with important issues and completely trusts his decisions.

Atmospheric injection

When the victim is already in the abuser’s network, he begins to openly express dissatisfaction with her lifestyle. Jealousy, nagging, and provocative questions are used. This stage serves as a way to test how far he can go.

Gross forms of violence

When the tension reaches its limit, a “release” occurs - the abuser takes out his anger on the victim, subjecting her to insults, humiliation, physical and sexual violence.

Reconciliation

Abusers tend to try to hide the fact of violence and justify themselves, not only to the victim, but also to themselves. An example of such behavior is, for example, when an abusive husband beats his wife, and the next day “makes amends” by buying a bouquet of beautiful flowers, gifts and declarations of love. He does not analyze his destructive and pathological behavior, but replaces his own so that the victim remembers only kind gestures towards the partner and displacing abusive moments from memory

The victim, in turn, engages in self-deception, finding excuses for the aggressor and shifting the accusatory emphasis from the abuser to himself (“I provoked him myself”). This is a consequence of deep psychological trauma and suppressed self-esteem, which is very typical for victims of abuse. For the initiator of violence, this is a way to justify his actions, for the victim - to justify not so much the actions of the abuser, but his own inaction.

Blog / How do abusive relationships work? And why is it so difficult to get out of them?

A lot of material has been published about abusive relationships, perverted narcissists, toxic partners, and abuse of power over the past few years. But still, when another story about an abusive relationship is revealed on social networks, people come to the comments asking the same question “why didn’t you leave this terrible person?” Our material is an attempt to talk about how the victim feels within such a relationship and “why doesn’t she leave.”

Let's immediately agree on terminology. You've probably met people who let you down, manipulated your emotions, devalued your achievements, declared a boycott, and thwarted your plans with their lack of commitment. Episodic manifestations of the “dark side” are not called abuse. Abusive relationships have several characteristic features: periodicity, cyclicality, fear of one side of the other.

The cycle of abuse

Abusive relationships always (always!) develop according to the same scenario:

Idealization. The abuser puts the victim on a pedestal and idealizes him. It’s difficult to resist such a flow of love, it’s confusing, although the question “what’s wrong with him” is always spinning in my head? Abusers confess their love too quickly and enter into relationships too quickly. They may offer to move in together after a month of dating.
Rising tension. The victim may not be perfect, idealization gives way to disappointment, and stressful situations (children, marital difficulties, work problems) make the abuser feel ignored, offended, or irritated. Aggressive impulses accumulate within him. During this period, the victim can either try to mitigate the violence, or, on the contrary, provoke it.
An act of violence. An abuser openly displays violence, insulting a partner, psychologically humiliating, cheating, disappearing from home without explanation - there are a lot of options. Usually this is accompanied by the words “you brought me to it”, “before you I was a normal person.”
Reconciliation. The abuser is afraid that his partner will leave him, and the “destruction of what has been done” phase begins: gifts, oaths of fidelity, jokes, promises to change, gaslighting (denial of what happened) are used.
Calmness or “honeymoon”. This period is at the same time the most difficult and most desirable for the victim. It is during the “honeymoon” that the abuser can agree to consult with a psychotherapist, spend time with the child, help with business, and assure the victim that “only thanks to you I am changing.”

And then - in a circle (only without idealization). Over time, words and actions become less sincere, the cycle of violence shortens, everything begins to happen at high speeds until the victim leaves the author of the violence, or he switches to the next person.

How does a person feel inside an abusive relationship?

Psychological abuse is not always easy to recognize. It is difficult to believe that a loved one with whom you play openly and try to build a sincere relationship turns out to be a pathological liar, not inclined to empathy, regularly sets you up and does not take into account your needs.

We are conditioned to believe that violence is always physical. It is visible, it can be recorded and proven. Psychological abuse is insidious and occurs quietly and gradually. At first, the victim brushes off comic insults and inappropriate comments, copes with difficulties herself, and looks for an excuse for the offender. In addition, an abuser knows how to bomb with love like no other. The victim tends to believe that this is his real self. And when the mask begins to “slip,” the victim believes that it is her own fault for making her partner angry.

Signs of an abusive relationship:

Neglect. The abuser almost never cares about you (only during periods of reconciliation and calm), and does not take your needs into account. You can never count on him and make any plans. For example, he may promise to take a walk with the child, and then provoke a quarrel so as not to do this.
Control. Sometimes the abuser is pathologically jealous, sometimes he openly condemns your friends and relatives and forbids you to see them.
Double standards. What is allowed to an abuser is never allowed to you. One in a relationship is obviously freer or stronger. If you are financially dependent on your partner, he gives money only for the most necessary things, but does not deny himself anything.
Bad exes. The abuser’s past partners, according to him, randomly turn out to be stupid, greedy, and sloppy. You begin to feel like the chosen one, a savior who understands your partner better than anyone else.
Frightening behavior when angry. You strive to avoid conflict, because you know that any objection will result in a bucket of dirt, swearing, and insults. Abusers kick objects, threaten you, or wring your hands (remember, in this text we do not focus on physical violence).
Ingratiating behavior of the victim. It’s as if you agree with your secondary role; your main function is not to irritate your partner; you control yourself, choose your words. But the trick is that it is impossible not to irritate.
Relationships with conditions (psychosadism). “I will be forced to sleep with others if you cannot satisfy me” “I will take a walk with the child if you finally clean up properly”
Depreciation. "What's wrong with your child?" “Wow, you have thighs” Can be presented under the guise of admiration: “With such brains, you could have become a director long ago.” When you say or do something “wrong”, you are punished or boycotted.
Emotional swing. Reward alternating with punishment - such a relationship is like a drug. The body experiences shocks at the hormonal level: the level of cortisol rises, then dopamine jumps when you are finally encouraged. Unpredictable rewards release more dopamine in the brain than predictable rewards.
Quarrels in circles. You keep having the same arguments with your partner that go around in circles with no real winner. You feel stuck in the relationship, as if you can't see a way out.
A lot of evil irony and passive-aggression. You cannot openly confront the offender, but the rage from injustice does not go away - you express dissatisfaction with jokes, sarcasm, never talking about the problem directly.
Losing your own identity. Trying to appease your partner, you gradually forget about your own needs and hobbies. All resources are spent on maintaining relationships. They completely absorb your full potential - in a way, it's like burnout.
Disease. Hormonal “slides” affect your health. Migraines, digestive problems, deteriorating immunity - the body cannot withstand such stress, health crumbles.

Why is it so difficult to leave an abusive relationship?

Abuse is a psychological concentration camp, a mental Gestapo. Abusive relationships are indeed compared to fascist practices and KGB methods. This is called the Wheel of Power and Control. The point is that the victim is humiliated, harassed, threatened with violence, alternating this with unpredictable manifestations of favor.

A very strong emotional connection arises, almost a biological dependence, based on inconsistency, alternation of reward and punishment. The victim remains because he is ready to endure everything for the sake of reward. In psychotherapy this is called traumatic attachment. The aggressor becomes the source of the most powerful emotions, and the victim involuntarily becomes dependent on his approval, and the loss of this relationship begins to be perceived as a disaster.

If the victim nevertheless decides to leave, she is in apathy for a long time, because any other relationship seems terribly boring, since it does not cause such a strong emotional outburst.

What should I do?

It is curious that people who have had experience in abusive relationships note that at the very beginning of the relationship they had strange dreams warning of danger, they noted strange somatic manifestations when being next to the aggressor. Therefore, the main advice is to trust yourself, your own body and intuition.

What happens to people who have experienced abuse is a topic for a separate article. A person needs to regain a sense of self-worth, sensitivity, taste for life, and learn to notice “boring” people. In therapy, it is important to support such a person and let him know that it is not his fault; track what trauma led a person to an abuser, and why he so needs confirmation of his own worth in the eyes of others.

Another problem is unexpressed rage. You want to punish the abuser, take revenge on him, because you can’t just forget and move on. This rage cannot be ignored, it must be given a place in the therapeutic space and understood how to deal with it.

How to resist an abuser

It is possible to change the imbalance of power between victim and abuser, but it is very difficult. It is impossible to re-educate an emotional sadist; you can only demonstrate such emotional stability yourself so that the abuser loses interest in constant pressure and dominance. The best way to confront an abuser is to distance yourself from him, either physically or emotionally, thereby minimizing his impact.

I am an abuser: how to help yourself

Yes, there are often people who admit that they are abusers. Some of them take their “disease” calmly, some even like it. And others feel that they suffer from their abuse and try to get rid of it.

Abuse is not a mental disorder, it is just a special personality type. It is possible to change such a personality, but only if she herself wants it. You can keep a diary. You can ward off “attacks” of abuse: every time the desire to annoy someone arises, you need to hammer a nail or mentally cut off your finger. It is necessary to control your behavior: learn to listen to your interlocutors, understand their point of view, respect their right to freedom, and not overstep the boundaries of personal space. It is also necessary to understand that there are no justifications for violence: they are all just hypocrisy, wishful thinking.

You should not be ashamed of the manifestation of human feelings. Any strong personality needs these feelings.

How an abuser can cope with himself

Abusive behavior has different prerequisites: psychological instability, adoption of the “traditional” model of relationships from parents, lack of self-confidence coupled with low self-esteem, etc. In each case, we are talking about the fact that a person is not able to build relationships other than from a position of strength. Therefore, the best advice for those who have noticed signs of an abuser in themselves is to contact a professional psychotherapist. A specialist will help you cope with internal tensions and find new patterns of behavior in relationships.

Male abusers are common

In fairness, it is important to note that quite often there are men with the same type of character and interaction mechanisms. With them, abusive relationships are formed in a similar way, in which one of the partners, in this case the male abuser, has absolute power, and the other has absolute responsibility.

In sexual life in the male-abuser configuration, the woman’s desire disappears and she begins to feel unwanted, blaming herself for this.

How to understand that I am in a relationship with an abuser

This type of relationship can manifest itself in different ways. Answer a few questions for yourself:

Do you feel controlled by another person over yourself and your actions? Have you ever felt like you weren't trusted?
Do you receive regular criticism of your actions from another person?
Have there been any (negative) situations that you were able to remember thoroughly? But the person with whom this situation was connected assures you that nothing like this ever happened?
Has it ever happened that a person forbade you to communicate with someone from your usual environment? And did violation of these prohibitions lead to serious scandals? Have you had to communicate with someone in secret, and then delete all evidence, in order to avoid repeated showdowns (even if we are talking about calling a childhood friend on the phone).
Have you been accused of treason out of the blue? Did they attribute events that did not take place? Have they demonstrated their jealousy to you?
Were there events in which you were forced to take some action (perhaps deception, travel somewhere, or other options) that were in the interests of the person who forced them, but went against your interests?
Has it ever happened that they tried to shame or ridicule you for some action you took (perhaps it was cooking a dish or a new hobby, it could be anything). Have you ever received ridicule from that person?
Have you received direct insults or humiliation from that person?
Have you been intimidated by the Permanent Mission about breaking up your relationship?
Have they used a “game of silence” towards you in order to harass you and force you to take the blame, bow down, and ask for forgiveness for some event?

If you were able to remember specific situations for at least half of these questions, there is an abuser next to you.

Vulnerable guy

Inna's story

One morning Inna woke up, saw another bouquet of white roses on the table - the third in the last ten days - and smiled. She was lucky: the man with whom she had been communicating for two months was very caring and attentive.

He never allowed her to pay for her favorite cocktails on her own, made unexpected and sometimes very expensive gifts, and tried to fulfill every one of her wishes, even if they did not depend on him.

Inna felt something was wrong, but her friends repeated:

- Stop bragging about your man!

There really was nothing to complain about: educated, smart and sincere, he talked with her about gender stereotypes, society, the country, his past problems and fears.

It all started when he suggested spending a vacation together. Inna dreamed of going to Paris, and alone - she had not gone on vacation for three years and wanted to get to know France exactly as she saw fit. It seemed rude to refuse, but Inna didn’t want to change her plans.

“We could,” she said, “spend the weekend together somewhere other than Paris.” I still have a week of vacation left.

“Why don’t you want me to go to Paris with you?” Do you have any dates planned there?

How to get out of an abusive relationship

Since such people are masterly manipulators, first of all you should immediately limit any communication with this person. Resist the urge to respond to his messages or calls asking for a meeting. Giving up on this issue will only lead you back to what you are trying to get away from. You can rest assured that the abuser will be able to bring you back into his network.
A person is designed in such a way that he very quickly forgets pain and everything bad. When leaving an abuser, the main thing is to remember all the bad things you went through and endured with this person. Otherwise, very quickly it will fade into the background and bright memories of happy moments with this person will begin to torment you, and you will certainly want to go back or at least write, call, find out “how is he/she doing?” And then the scenario is known.
Finally start making yourself happy! So often I had to limit myself in everything. Now is your time! Meet up with friends, go on vacation, go to a spa or beauty salon, or start doing something you couldn't do before.
If, nevertheless, his manipulations somehow reached you, and a feeling of pity or anxiety for this person crept inside, a desire to help or support him - Firstly, you must clearly realize that this is only his move, a hook on which he wants to catch it back. And secondly, think about yourself first! Because when it wasn’t him who was feeling bad, that person wasn’t particularly worried about your feelings and pain.
Avoid discussing topics of your breakup with girlfriends and friends. You should not review photos of happy moments with this person. And, of course, you shouldn’t listen to sad music on the topic of “unrequited love” or “romantic relationships / breakups” - this will not lead to anything good.

Female abuse in relationships - signs

How to recognize an abusive woman in a gentle girl, so as not to let your life go awry irrevocably? Try to remember the exact signs of violence against a man in order to see a merciless vampire next to you in time:

Abusers love to compare their spouses with other men, exaggerating the merits of friends and neighbors, most often citing their fabulous generosity or incredible ability to earn more money as examples.
Constant statements in the style: “You are a useless husband...”, “bad father”, “you are absolutely no use...”
Threats to divorce for any reason.
Throws out predictions: “Yes, without me you will become a drunk.”
Exaggerating in words his role in the family and statements in the style: “No one needs such a slobber except me.”
For a woman's abuser, signs of psychological violence include attempts to ridicule her husband in public, interrupt his speech, and hurl insults for no reason.
Her husband’s successes at work or in other matters only cause irritation in such a person; instead of praise, she will try to belittle their importance: “How much strength and intelligence is needed for such a thing.”
Abusive women, in order to piss a man off, often use ignore - they demonstratively do not listen to their speeches, and do not allow them into their bed.
Periodically drives me crazy with attacks of pathological jealousy.
Tries to impose total financial control.
Prys into personal and business correspondence, checks calls and mail.
Hysterics and quarrels alternate with attacks of passion.
Raises his voice in conversation, rejects compromises in disputes.
He tries to turn his children against their spouse.
Doesn't keep even the simplest promises.
Proves that she is special, so everything is forgiven to her.
Thinking of impunity, he may commit treason.
He tyranns children for no reason.
Lies often.
For an abuser, everyday blackmail becomes the norm.

How to defeat an abusive woman?

If a lady is over thirty and has really lost her brain, then it is no longer possible to re-educate such a person. It’s better not to ruin your life and run away from the heartless and crazy bitch. An alternative option is to completely ignore the far-fetched quibbles and try to firmly put the presumptuous lady in her place. This method will work against young girls who are trying to put a crown on their head in an attempt to copy their “experienced” friend or vixen mother. True, existence in constant confrontation is far from sweet; in protracted family wars, the outcome is unpredictable.

Often men have to fight alone with moral violence coming from their once beloved wife. Many are ashamed to admit that they are being stalked by an abusive woman; signs of domestic wars are not always noticeable from the outside. Alas, often colleagues and friends find out about them too late, when a person outwardly sinks and slides into terrible depression.

Consequences of an abusive relationship

The occurrence of any type of abuse in a relationship should be immediately caught and stopped, since abuse always has tragic consequences for its victims. Not only physical injuries and loss of property, but, first of all, severe psychological or even mental fallout. Victims of abuse often lose trust in others, and it becomes more difficult for them to start new relationships and open up to new people. For this reason, experts recommend that all victims of toxic relationships seek professional psychological help.

Crazy jealous

This type is reckless in his desire to control his partner. It usually starts with jealousy and questions like: “Who are you going out with tonight? Tell me in more detail what you will do, what time you will return home, what you will wear.” At least, many of my heroines who encountered “madmen” talked about this.

A relationship with an insanely jealous man who controls a woman’s life and gradually loses self-control usually leads to physical violence and sometimes to the death of the abused victim.

Often he says the same phrases, for example: “I want to know everything you do so that you do everything right,” “I know better,” “I love you and I hate you, I hate you, but I can’t live without you.” "

What do abusers think about?

The most important thing that a victim of domestic (psychological and physical) violence must understand is that the abuser does this not for some reason, but because he is an abuser.

He thinks he has every right to call the shots. He is sure that he is right in everything.

He considers a woman to be an inferior creature.

He's a regular manipulator.

He doesn't believe he is a torturer.

Wiki's story

“At first I was even pleased,” says Vika, “such jealousy, such love.” But in the end he no longer asked me, but simply came up, raised my hands and checked whether I had shaved my armpits or not. If I shaved today or the day before, I began to walk in circles of hell: they say, I was going to have sex with someone.

Vika was 23 years old when she met this man (the heroine refused to give his name). We met on the set - he was a fairly famous musician in their city.

The man immediately began to show her attention; There was no courtship period as such - they very quickly began to live together, and the girl was happy how quickly and without problems everything happened for them.

A little later, his jealousy was supplemented by a desire to interfere in daily affairs: what she wore (“He didn’t like anything, in the end he began to pick out sets of clothes for me”), with whom she corresponded, where she was during the day.

“He could write to my friends and start asking what I was doing and how I was behaving. Friends at first said: “This is love,” then they began to insist that this was not normal. But I didn't listen.

We had periods of quarrels, when I was seriously furious, periods of reconciliation, then calm, and then everything all over again - and more and more maniacal.

He began to forbid me to communicate with everyone, and I’m not kidding when I say “with everyone.” I’m also not joking when I say that I stopped communicating with friends, colleagues and even my mother. It seemed much more important to me to maintain a relationship with him.

The jealousy intensified: he always suspected me of cheating. With everyone, colleagues, of course, first of all, but not only. I began to be afraid to communicate with sellers and waiters: if in front of him the barista smiled at me, handing me a cup of coffee, I knew that a scandal would inevitably await.

It got to the point where I was scared to turn around and look him in the eyes. And when I hid my gaze, he could come up, take my chin and stare at me with a grin. At such moments I felt ashamed - as if I really slept with every barista in the city.

One day, a scene of jealousy ended with him hitting me - right during his concert. The event was so-so - in a small club, without pathos, all in the same cramped rooms.

I was in his dressing room when the host of the event looked in. We started talking. My man returned to the dressing room, leaned over to me and said in my ear that we needed to talk. We left. He grabbed me by the neck and began to choke me. For the first time, but not the last time.

And the funny thing is that he was the one who constantly cheated on me. I was going crazy.