Tantrums in teenagers
19.04.2019
Tantrums in teenagers
Tantrums are common among teenagers.
And most often, parents, seeing that their child is screaming, choking on tears or throwing things around, simply do not know what to do. How can you calm a teenager who is hysterical? Entering puberty is a difficult time for both a teenager and his family. The “hormonal explosions” that occur in a child’s body greatly affect his mental health: the teenager becomes more susceptible to reproaches and criticism. In addition, at this time, the main thing for a teenager is not his parents, but his peers. Therefore, a discrepancy between the two “poles” of life (the demands of parents and the assessments of peers) can lead to a “break in the pattern” in a boy or girl aged 13 to 17 years. A teenager tries to assert himself, to prove that he is already an adult and knows what will be better for him... One of these ways of self-affirmation is teenage tantrums. Why do they arise? Most often, it is due to the fact that parents limit their child in some way. This could be deprivation of outings with friends or a computer for poor academic performance or behavior. Moreover, sometimes parents notify the teenager about the punishment in a harsh form, regardless of his opinion. The result is an explosion of misunderstanding and subsequent hysteria. Hysterics in teenagers can also be a way of manipulation. If at 3 years old a child got everything he wanted by shouting and stomping his feet at his parents, he will use the same strategy in achieving his goal when he gets older...
And of course, hormonal attacks, which greatly affect the emotional state of a teenager, can cause tears and screams literally “out of the blue.” This happens more often in girls. Teenagers may cry and worry about their “ugliness” and lack of success among friends. All of these are the main reasons for mood swings in children of adolescence. “A teenager has a tantrum: what to do? “This question is often asked by parents to psychologists. Parents, seeing their son or daughter sobbing, screaming and hitting the wall with their fists, are lost, do not know how to approach the child correctly and what to say. Therefore, they turn to psychologists or psychiatrists, believing that the teenager has disturbances in the functioning of the nervous system. And some people prefer slaps and screams as a “sedative”...
Such methods will in no way help the teenager calm down, but will only “wind up” him even more. What to do then? Here are some tips on how to stop a teenager's tantrum quickly and painlessly. It is best, of course, not to lead to a hysterical state. But since this failed, it’s not so difficult to calm down the hysteria...
What types of tantrums are there?
- Hysteria as self-affirmation. Your recently calm and easy-going child suddenly gains new authority. Yesterday your will was decisive, and your word was the last. But now the teenager has other advisers who also know “how to live.” This “break of the pattern” leads to such emotional explosions that until now you could not even dream of in a nightmare.
- Hysteria as manipulation. It is quite possible that from a very tender age the following was written into the child’s subcortex: if you sob and stomp your feet properly, you can get everything. And during puberty, you want a lot, much more than before - from a “sophisticated” device to permission to hang out until the morning at a disco. So why not apply a strategy that was once proven?
- Hysteria as a message to the world. A teenager learns to think abstractly, but with this skill comes increased emotionality and what experts call social anxiety. A teenager constantly thinks about how he looks in the eyes of other people, especially his peers; any, even the most insignificant criticism, hurts him like an arrow. At the same time, he reflects that “I am the center of the universe, but this universe is no good!” All this turmoil in the head cannot but lead to violent outbursts of emotions.
During puberty, hormonal levels undergo global changes. In particular, it stimulates the production of oxytocin, which is often called the “bonding hormone,” but oxytocin has also been associated with a sense of self-awareness. It is this hormone that is “to blame” for the fact that a teenager has the feeling that everyone around him is looking at him under a microscope. These unpleasant sensations usually reach their peak by the age of 15. It is important!
What to do? You need to speak to your child in a calm and even voice, without screaming. If a teenager becomes hysterical and aggressive and throws fists at his father or mother, you need to move away to a safe distance or take his hands. You can shake your son or daughter slightly to sober them up, or offer to “throw out” your aggression by hitting a pillow. If a teenager cries a lot, but does not protest against physical contact, you should gently hug him by the shoulders. There is no need to suppress his tears, let him cry, shout out. Sobbing is an absolutely normal reaction in both boys and girls. If your teenager breaks away from the hug, you can leave him alone for a few minutes. Later, exhausted by hysteria, he will gladly accept hugs and strokes. Be sure to talk to the teenager, talk through all the emotions that he feels: pain, fear, anger. By understanding the emotion that caused the hysteria, the child will be able to calm down faster.
Of course, it can be difficult for parents, exhausted by the antics of their beloved child, to look at the situation from the outside. And yet, sometimes this is urgently necessary - if only to make sure that nothing out of the ordinary is happening in your family.
Oddly enough, being a teenager who “spits fire” has its advantages. And the most important thing is that your child continues to be frank with you and is not afraid to show his weaknesses to mom and dad. This means that dialogue is possible, trust has not been lost. In addition, you are still a support for him, perhaps precisely the last resort to which they unconsciously resort to help in moments of special mental turmoil. And only in your power to give useful advice in a timely manner, provide moral support and unobtrusively demonstrate your love.
In addition, teenage “freaks” indicate that a normal process of growing up is underway, without which the formation of personality is impossible. After all, remember yourself at the same age: surely you, too, were not a “sweet carrot” for your own mom and dad?
Psychologists warn: “Your teenager is watching you.” If you yourself show common sense in difficult life situations, do not lose your head under stress, and know how to firmly but politely convey your position to your interlocutor, it means that your child will quite easily adopt this model of behavior from you. It’s only a matter of time, but in the meantime, try to remain calm, no matter how much the teenager “harasss” you.
Here are some more important tips
that will help you establish contact with your child and cope with his hysterics.
1. Under no circumstances react with abuse or shouting or shouting.
Even in the case of an acute conflict, you need to communicate with your child in an even voice. 2. If your child is crying, let him cry it out. If he doesn't protest physical contact, give him a gentle hug. Leave all conversations for later.
3. Cases when a teenager tries to raise a hand against you are very individual: perhaps, for your own safety, it is better for you to immediately “evacuate”. If there is no real aggression, try shaking the child slightly to bring him to his senses. The key word is slightly.
4. It is believed that a tantrum can be stopped with a couple of slaps in the face. This is not the best option - instead, press on the sensitive point at the base of your thumb and index finger.
5. Offer to take out your anger by hitting a pillow or punching bag. The method is old, but it works. You can also tear up a stack of old magazines.
6. If there is a prolonged hysteria, leave the teenager alone for a while. It is quite possible that after this he will open a dialogue.
7. When the passions subside, pet the child, hug, kiss him - just like in childhood. “Hugs” help restore peace of mind not only for children, but also for adults.
8. Go to a constructive dialogue - talk to your child about his problems, try to find the right solution together. And don't remind me of what just happened.
9. For the future: Teenagers need at least 9-10 hours of sleep, just like kids, but, of course, teenagers rarely stick to this schedule. And in vain - lack of sleep aggravates nervousness.
Why is hysteria dangerous?
Surely, your “wise” neighbors have already told you: “It will pass with age!” But they did not say that with age, outbursts of aggression and hysterics go away only in those children whose parents were able to cope with them. If nothing is done about hysteria and “crazy” behavior, then they get worse with age, develop into very unpleasant character traits and remain with the child for life. Advanced neuroses lead to serious mental disorders, insomnia, loss of appetite, chronic fatigue, enuresis, loss of interest in life, nervous tics, etc.
If a 3-year-old child is hysterical: what to do in a critical situation
Without realizing that he is being controlled, the child, at the moment of hysteria, longs to evoke an emotional response from you. If this experiment was a success (you became indignant, nervous, upset), the baby will repeat it again and again. Even if he consciously does not want to quarrel with his mother, his unconscious desire to experience strong emotions is much stronger than mental considerations.
The correct reaction is not to give the child emotional “feeding” at the moment of hysteria. But you can’t overdo it: complete ignorance also harms the baby and is no good. It is best to calmly and briefly explain why his demand is impossible. At the same time, maintain friendly and warm contact with the baby.
The main thing is your own attitude to what is happening. After all, hysteria is not a sign that the child is bad or poorly brought up. He is still too small, his psyche is just developing. Hysteria is just an intermediate milestone in the development of a small viewer. His need for sensory experiences has grown, but he is not yet able to fill it sufficiently.
Over the long haul, you need to help your child learn to fulfill his desire for strong experiences differently. So that this will contribute to his harmonious development and help him build happy relationships with people in the future. What is needed for this?
Consistency and determination
When parents say that their child does not understand the word “no,” then first of all they need to think about themselves. After all, most often the problem is hidden not in the child himself and in the fact that he did not like something, but in the fact that the parents cannot properly prohibit and do not express strength of character.
Young children can instantly see any, even the slightest, inconsistency in the actions of their parents.
Sometimes children may ask for an opinion on the same issue at the same time, but approach it differently. Or, knowing that parents may differ in their opinions, they ask around from both sides, then find a loophole and use it to their advantage. Therefore, you must act decisively. If a parent forbids something, you must keep your word. In addition, it is very important that in such matters the spouses are like-minded, work as a team, and their opinions on punishment do not differ.
One of the parents should not cancel the punishment and prohibitions of the other. Even if spouses do not agree with each other, this should be clarified in private, without being made public. Children instantly see when their parents disagree and immediately draw conclusions for themselves.
If, after disobedience, the parents promised to take educational measures, then this is what should be done. At the same time, it must be made clear that if they do not allow bad behavior today, then such behavior is unacceptable at all.
There is no need to allow a situation where a child at five years old begins to argue, enter into a discussion, asking to explain why this particular punishment, and not something easier. Children's tantrums can occur in situations where children believe that adults simply have no choice and will be able to give in, for example, if they are surrounded by other people. But a clear and firm “no” will make it clear that parents do not give in to constant whining.
You should not take educational measures based on your mood. A good and joyful spirit is not a reason to ignore the bad deeds of your child, and if you are in a bad mood, you should not break down and severely punish. As a result of such inconsistency in requirements, the child may think that all decisions are made depending on their mood. This leads to the child beginning to behave even worse.
One wise book encourages you to stick to your words, so that every “yes” means “yes” and every “no” means “no.” This also applies to promises to buy something, give something or fulfill a wish for your baby. Then children will learn to trust the words of their parents.
If you don’t give in to slack and don’t give in to the child’s whims, the next time he won’t want to throw such tantrums, because he will see his strength of spirit and understand that he won’t be able to achieve anything with his screams.
