When fatigue sets in, everything doesn’t go well, a loved one betrays and leaves you, so you want to feel sorry for yourself and imagine the picture: “I’m going to die and you’re all going to cry!” And then get a good night’s sleep, look at the warm sun and decide “can’t wait!”
But sometimes the thought of the uselessness of existence is not at all replaced by this very optimistic insight. And more and more often the thought hits me: “I don’t want to live; What difference does it make: sooner or later, existence still has no meaning.”
Why does this happen and what should you do about it?
Reasons for such thoughts
- Man is a social being, and many so-called “norms” are imposed on us by society. For example, one of the most common imposed “necessities” are gender minimums. For example, a woman must be married and have a child by twenty-five. And by the age of thirty, a man is directly obliged to have an apartment, a car and a job that he can brag about. If such a “minimum” is not achieved, society is inclined to believe that not everything is in order with the person. And it doesn’t matter that the individual is not at all interested in all this. But the situation is worse when such “accepted norms” are actually perceived by the individual as their own. But it’s impossible to implement them. That’s when a feeling of hopelessness and unwillingness to live arises.
- Saturation with benefits. Second extreme. It seems that she has achieved everything, she has everything: the house is full, the wife is beautiful, the children are gold, a mistress, a car, an apartment, a dacha, a bank account... But there is emptiness in my soul. The most important thing is lost - the drive and meaning to get out of bed every day. And if there is no incentive, then the realization of futility comes.
- Running in a closed circle. Sometimes life develops in such a way that it begins to resemble running in a vicious circle. Unfortunately, from childhood we are taught “what to do.” But they don’t tell you at all how to rest properly. So it turns out that a person does not know how to set priorities and cannot stop. And personal rest is constantly perceived by him or is regarded by those around him as an unaffordable and inappropriate benefit. “Why are you sitting down if the dishes haven’t been washed, the clothes haven’t been ironed, the apartment hasn’t been cleaned, haven’t...” The body is depleted without being fully restored. In addition, often in such situations there is a ban on “emotional outlets”: hobbies, entertainment, pleasant communication. Well, pray tell, what kind of gatherings can there be with a friend if the window is not washed at all for the third time in a month? Consequently, there is a deficit of positivity and emotional restoration. Naturally, at this rate, a woman (although, objectively speaking, a man too) loses a sense of significance and value, and therefore ceases to want to live further.
- Severe psychotrauma. Personal illness and illness of loved ones, death, betrayal, breakup, divorce, financial turmoil, dismissal - all these are very strong personal stresses that can have a serious impact on a person’s condition. The personality loses a part of itself, its point of support. The world is turning upside down and the value of life is being rethought. I really want to stop the emotional suffering. This also includes age-related changes, when older people cease to experience the joy of life due to changing values in society. For example, a change in the system, way of life, a decrease in respect for the merits of past wars, all this also knocks out a kind of fulcrum and contributes to the development of depressive and suicidal thoughts.
- Hormonally caused depression. But sometimes there is no reason for such thoughts at first glance. But they are still present. Such situations arise during periods of hormonal changes: after difficult childbirth, during menopause (sometimes before or during menstrual bleeding) or during adolescence. Unfortunately, hormonal fluctuations can affect our mood and well-being. By the way, the opinion that men are not characterized by such fluctuations is currently being actively revised. And, if the visible signs of menopause in men are not so pronounced, hormonal changes still occur.
Be a good listener
Suicidal people tend to suffer from a strong sense of alienation. That is why they are unable to take your advice. Much more they need to discuss their pain, frustration and what they say, “I have nothing worth living for.” If a person suffers from depression, then he needs to speak up himself. If someone confesses to you that they are thinking about suicide, do not judge them for such statements. Try to remain calm and understanding. You can say: “I really appreciate your frankness, because it takes a lot of courage to share your feelings.” You can help immensely by listening to the words that express the person's feelings—sadness, guilt, anger, or fear. It can even be important for such a person if you just sit silently with him. This will be proof of your interested and caring attitude.
What to do if you don't want to live?
If thoughts about suicide are very urgent, then you are an incorrigible egoist. At least that's what many experts say. After all, the death of a person always causes suffering among those around him. Is it possible for a non-selfish person to want to hurt so many people at once?
If you do not consider yourself selfish, then it is worth taking a number of steps. All of them should directly depend on the prerequisites of your situation.
- If you cannot improve your life or personal relationships, you should go to see a psychologist. In fact, a large number of people seem to consciously want something, but subconsciously set themselves an incredible number of blocks. Let's give an example of one patient who wanted to start a family and even registered on a dating site. However, at the reception it turned out that she constantly “unexpectedly finds” a huge number of excuses to avoid meeting a potential “worthwhile man”, going on dates with those who are obviously not suitable for her. When identifying the root causes, a negative childhood experience was discovered, when her older brother, who was a special authority for her, treated his wife very rudely and unceremoniously, criticized her figure after childbirth and even stooped to assault. This developed a very negative subconscious image, which forced me to avoid emotional attachment. Although outwardly she expressed in every possible way her readiness to start a family, have a child, and even lamented that she was so unlucky. “Gender minimums” imposed by society can be very harmful to self-esteem, so it is better to discuss such problems with a psychologist.
- Sometimes it’s still worth deciding to make drastic changes. And a person just needs to help with this. Yes, you are so tired of work, your loved one and the whole situation that you don’t want to live, but is it scary to change the situation? Let's be honest: if it comes to thoughts of suicide, then you should still make up your mind and give up everything. Sometimes this opens up such prospects and such euphoria that thoughts of death immediately disappear by themselves.
- If you have everything in this life, then it’s worth finding a new interest, and one that never occurred to you. Go on a trip around the world, devote time to a global problem: save animals, build shelters, fight epidemics. Or you can just get yourself a pet who will sincerely and unselfishly love you always and everywhere.
- In general, pets, hobbies and travel are three panaceas for the desire to leave this life. They return the joy and meaning of life, the taste for new experiences, the feeling of need and necessity. Moreover, all this expands the circle of communication, and there are new interesting acquaintances.
- But if suicidal tendencies are associated with hormonal fluctuations, you can seek help from a specialist. But, in addition to drug intervention, it is worth understanding that such a mood is your companion for a certain period. You can talk to your depression like you would an old friend. You now know for sure that the devaluation of your existence is her doing. As an addition, art therapy helps a lot because it can express feelings, thus reducing the desire for suicide.
- But a loved one can help older people. After all, the system and political structure are changing, but if children and grandchildren visit the elderly, listening to their stories and telling them how valuable they are and that without them there would be no younger generation, our grandparents will never want to give up their lives and won't get depressed.
We can't "choose joy" or "stop thinking about it"
Sometimes Christians tell us to “choose joy” or focus on someone other than ourselves. There is some truth to this: caring for others and cultivating joy are important parts of a healthy life.
But when death seems like the only way out of the internal torture chamber, these things don't work. What's worse is that they become a way to mask the pain. This is how I could participate in several services and smile widely while I wished for death.
Saying something like, “I'm so sorry you're hurting,” and spending time with people who are struggling is much more effective than telling them to choose joy. This allows them to be honest, which can save lives.
An alternative approach by Yuri Burlan
An interesting theory was created by Yuri Burlan and is called system-vector psychology. It is based on fact. That people lose their zest for life because they don’t know where to look for it. Forms of behavior and desires that are not characteristic of them are imposed on them and they eventually come to a feeling of devastation. The mentioned psychological approach states that a certain vector of development prevails in each person. It is in his field that one should look for those hobbies that will never lose meaning. So, people with the skin vector should not forget about sports and try to realize their potential in sales. The anal vector should have access to pedagogy and mentoring. And the visual one goes into creative professions or the work of doctors. But the sound vector must allow itself to engage in philosophy and the search for the meaning and root cause of all things.
It’s interesting, but in Canada there is a fairly popular book by a woman who was not based on Yuri’s developments, but claims that she overcame suicidal feelings by exchanging a forced job for one that she wanted to have all her life, but which was previously regarded as “not feminine.” So, after more than thirty years of teaching career, she became a truck driver.
If you also think that you have not chosen the right type of occupation, try contacting a psychologist. Perhaps reorientation will open up amazing perspectives for you and close the topic of suicide forever.
Give Hope
Hope cannot be built on empty consolations - it must come from reality, from the existing possibility of wanting and achieving. Hopes must be justified: when a ship crashes on the rocks, there is a difference between hoping to “sail to the nearest shore” and “to reach the opposite shore of the ocean.” The content of life does not disappear, even if it brings mental pain, but there is no point in being stuck on one pole of emotions. Darkness and light, joy and sadness, happiness and suffering are inseparably intertwined threads in the fabric of human existence. It is important to help strengthen a person’s strengths and capabilities, to convince him that crisis problems are variable.
You can live too. But please invest in yourself. Take care of yourself.
Here are some steps:
- Write in the comments or to us in the feedback form about your problem, we will try to answer.
- Make an appointment with your doctor. If you don't have insurance or can't pay for an appointment, most cities have free or low-cost clinics that offer mental health services.
- Find someone to talk to. You are not a burden to them. You are precious and important, and this world is a better place because you are breathing in it.
Saving a life is easier than you think
I mentioned earlier that my death would be a blessing to others. But I'm still here because a friend noticed something was wrong and took action.
Angela invited me to dinner, took me blackberry picking with her children, and constantly reminded me how important I was to her family. She told me she loved me, it wasn't my fault I was broken and God didn't like me being hurt. She was simply there, showing understanding and sympathy for my pain.
On a hot July night, when I was tired of fighting to stay alive, I showed up at her doorstep because I knew it would protect her. And her family walked with me through the darkness.
When I needed Emmanuel, God with us, she brought him into my life. She helped me believe that I was loved and my life mattered.
Very often, all it takes to save a life is for us to be Jesus—to be present, to be loving, and to be easy. Christ “in you is the hope of glory” (Col. 1:27). You don't need answers or the ability to fix it. You just need to be present, perhaps help set up an appointment with a doctor or just listen. Just be aware of those who are in pain. Just be kind.
Depressed and suicidal people just need you to come into the darkness and sit with us, that is an act of love. You could be His hands to hold us, His hands to feed us, His voice to tell us that we are not alone. Your love and kindness are stronger than you think.
Depression and suicide are serious issues and my heart breaks for those dealing with them.
