How to leave an abuser and break off a relationship: what is an abusive relationship, how to break up with a toxic manipulator man or woman?

If you've ever tried to leave a manipulator, you know that it's hard to do, and forgetting about him is even harder. But I'll tell you how to achieve this! In this post you will learn how to forget a person who manipulates you “closer and further”.

“Closer-further” is one of the most common manipulations at the early stage of a relationship. It leads to emotional dependence on the manipulator, which can only be broken if you work hard on yourself.

However, let's take it in order.

The post will be structured as follows.

First, I will tell you what the “closer-farther” manipulation is and why it works. Below I will give an example of such manipulation. Finally, I will give you three steps to help you let go of this person and become immune to such manipulation in the future.

I’ll start by describing what the “Closer-Farther” manipulation is.

Who is it?

Abuse is translated from English as “cruel treatment” . Abusers are people who oppress their significant other in every possible way.

Moreover, the person tries to arrange the situation in such a way that his partner begins to feel guilty for actions that he did not commit. The abuser uses a complex of psychological influences, which often involve violent methods.

A relationship with such a person is also called toxic. By this term, psychologists mean a type of connection between people in which one of the partners constantly exerts emotional, psychological or physical control over the other.

Types of abuse in relationships

The following types of abuse are distinguished:

Physical .
This is the worst kind of abuse. Brutal physical force is constantly applied to the partner.
At the same time, the abuser will think that he is thereby educating the person.
Economic . The partner makes his other half completely financially dependent on him. The victim does not have the right to independently make purchases or order services. Even her personal salary is controlled, because her partner “is concerned with how to spend the money better.”
Psychological. The most common type of abuse. It manifests itself in threats, humiliation and insults. The abuser tries to convince his partner that he is a stupid and incapable person, to whom no one else can pay attention.
This quickly kills self-esteem in people. The victim begins to think that this is really so and gradually narrows his social circle.
Psychological abuse can be open, when one does not hesitate to insult a partner in the presence of other people, and closed, when partners are courteous in society, but in private one of them displays despotic character traits.
Sexy . This is not simple violence. The companion is given the idea that he must satisfy the sexual desires of his partner. In this case, the personal wishes of the victim are not taken into account. In fact, the abuser simply uses her as an object to satisfy his lust.

Become financially independent

Women who are financially dependent on the aggressor

.
Some of them zealously justify themselves, others regret missed opportunities - both reactions indicate a desire to remain in the position of a “child”. Having escaped from one tyrant, such a woman will certainly meet another - and again find herself in a dependent relationship. “If you intend to say goodbye to abusers forever, you will have to grow up and take responsibility for your own life.
The ability to provide for yourself financially is one of the main conditions ,
the psychologist emphasizes.

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Even during a period of economic crisis, you can increase your income if you wish. At the same time, of course, it is important not to inflate the level of claims

.
“It is better to rejoice at the opportunity to rent a tiny room with your own money and buy the simplest products than to be sad that after breaking up with a psychological rapist, expensive restaurants and vacations in the Maldives have become unavailable,”
says Nadezhda Georgieva.

Unhealthy abusive relationships - how to recognize them?

It is better to recognize abusive relationships in the early stages. This will avoid unpleasant consequences and psychological trauma. Here you should pay attention to the following signs:

Excessive romance .
If a companion shows excessive romanticism and fulfills any desire of the partner at the first call, this should alert you. A normal person will not offer to meet his parents 3 days after meeting, and then go on a trip a week later. More likely, he simply seeks to gain the trust of his companion as quickly as possible. This will help him in the future more easily violate the personal boundaries of his victim. In the standard development of relationships, a person should ask the opinion of his other half, and not confront her with a fact.
Poor attitude towards the opposite sex . If a man or woman thinks in stereotypes (for example, that a wife should cook well, and a husband should only earn money, and nothing else is important), this is a reason to think. Such people do not always turn out to be abusers, but this should still raise concerns. Partners who think this way often become violent if their partner refuses to live by certain rules.
Availability of restrictions .
An ideal relationship is not about restrictions, but about freedom and mutual support. If a partner begins to limit his significant other in some way, this is a sure sign of an abuser.
Read also: How to refresh your relationship with your husband and regain your former passion?
Such things begin with innocent prohibitions “not to wash dirty linen in public” after yet another conflict, and end with the complete social isolation of the victim.
Control . A person controls his partner in all areas of life. First, this is a request to report on the funds spent, then control over correspondence on social networks, and then control of a broader type begins, right up to intimate areas.
Insults . After the touch of romance between the partners subsides a little, one of them, as if as a joke, begins to insult the other. If your companion has a developed sense of humor, there is no cause for concern. However, in the absence of constant jokes in his speech, it is recommended to pay attention to other points and think about whether the other half is an abuser.
Mood instability . The abuser's emotional state often changes from positive to depressed. After a barrage of accusations, such a person quickly calms down and then begins to behave as if nothing had happened.

Gender characteristics

Men:

he himself does what he considers inappropriate for his partner to do;
breaks into a scream during a conflict;
tries to demonstrate his physical superiority;
may leave alone in an unfamiliar place;
shows distrust of the partner’s words;
checks phone calls and messages on social networks;
jealous of any other man, even if it is his brother.

Women:

refuses physical intimacy and mocks the partner’s sexual capabilities;
during a conflict, breaks dishes, tears clothes, etc.;
controls every step of the partner;
upon meeting, she finds out where her companion was while they were not seeing each other;
your partner’s behavior causes constant dissatisfaction;
doubts the mental abilities of his companion.

Preparing for separation

The first thing you need to do in order to at least a little rein in the abuser is to try to have a heart-to-heart talk with him and frankly tell him about your intention to break up.

Often words do not reach such people, however, in the minds of some abusers, after realizing a possible loss, a significant change can occur; it is only important to choose the right words so as not to anger the partner and not get another conflict with broken dishes and threats.

First of all, you need to talk calmly . It's better to look your partner in the eyes. This calms many abusers down. It is important to demonstrate that this is no longer his victim, but an independent person who can really leave.

The partner must learn to demonstrate his own “I” and stop following the abuser’s lead. Having noticed this, some people are able to correct themselves before realizing a possible loss. If this does not happen, the satellite will simply prepare the ground for separation.

What to do if the relationship has gone far?

Abusers quickly gain the trust of their partner, so it is possible that when his partner understands the seriousness of the situation, the relationship will have already gone far. It is especially difficult to part with a tyrant if there are children in the family .

If violence manifests itself physically, you need to act immediately. You can even combine breaking up the relationship with calling the police. If a person does not want to involve law enforcement agencies in his family conflicts, it is recommended to take a number of preparatory measures before leaving the abuser:

Save money .
If you have to run away from your partner, it is better to have a small cash reserve. It should be enough for a person to last the first few months of his life, until he finds a job and gets used to the new place.
The money you put aside should be kept secret from your partner.
Prepare a retreat . You can agree with relatives or friends so that they are ready to accept the person at any time.
Always be ready . In a fit of jealousy, the abuser can damage documents and valuables, so it is recommended to put them in a bag and store them in a safe place. In case of a stormy breakup, this will help you escape from home faster. As a last resort, you can make copies of important documents.
Buy a spare phone . The abuser strives to control everything, so he quickly learns about the preparations for separation. To avoid this, it is better to buy a spare phone and hide it in a safe place. You can agree on escape plans and acquire the necessary contacts.
Change passwords . Just before you leave, it is better to change the passwords for your pages on social networks and delete any information that can be used to track a person’s location.

How to report?

Psychologists advise that when breaking up with an abuser, do it abruptly. Not in terms of words, but in terms of time. There is no need to try to somehow humiliate a person. This can infuriate him and lead to extremely unpleasant consequences. A man can reach the point of assault, even if this has not been noticed before.

You can't listen to his excuses . The abuser can lie on his knees and beg to stay, while promising to improve. Theoretically, this is possible, but it’s worth waiting until he proves it in practice.

The simplest and most effective way to leave an abuser is what is called “running under the cover of darkness.” After this, it is advisable to completely disappear from his field of vision for at least a few months.

There is one unpleasant type of abuser who perceives complete blocking as a kind of challenge. He will throw all his energy into searching for his ex-partner. If a person comes across exactly this type, you can go out to him for short contact once every few months, preferably remotely. But we should not forget - you cannot date an abuser.

Low self-esteem: run after me

Low self-esteem leads to the fact that you love when people run after you, because it gives you the feeling that you are needed, desired and valuable.

A person with healthy self-esteem does not need people to run after him. He does not have a lack of attention, love and care, which he is trying to compensate for through an inadequate amount of attention from a new boyfriend. He is able to give this care, attention and love to himself.

Therefore, when so much attention begins to pour on his head, he perceives it not as an opportunity to satisfy his inadequate emotional needs, but as an unnecessary excess.

At first, excessive attention may touch him, but very soon it will bore him. It begins to choke him.

On the other hand, a person with low self-esteem needs just this. And this makes such a person more susceptible to various manipulative tactics.

How will the manipulator behave after?

The abuser will definitely try to get his partner back.
Her departure will be a complete shock for him, because he believed that he did everything right. The person will try in every possible way to make contact . If this does not work out, you should expect revenge.

He may post damaging photos or spread unpleasant rumors about his ex. However, there is also a more or less adequate type of abuser.

They will also try to make contact, but after a while they will stop trying. Such people, having realized the loss, are really capable of changing. It is only important to recognize them in time and not confuse them with previous species.

How to break up?

Leaving an abuser is difficult for a number of reasons. First of all, this type of people is very attached to themselves . Abuse can also be perceived as a sign of caring.

For example, a form of control in the form of phrases “Where are you going?”, “Who will be at your party?” many perceive it as concern for their companion.

Some forms of violence may not be noticed by the victim due to the fact that her parents had a similar model of behavior, so on a subconscious level she believes that this is how it should be. For her, an abuser is something domestic and natural.

In any case, such relationships need to be ended. Otherwise, the victim runs the risk of suffering moral trauma, including suicidal tendencies.

Parting with an abuser occurs approximately according to this scenario:

Getting out of control .
Here it is necessary for a person to understand for himself that he is under constant control by his partner. Demands to show correspondence or report on your relationship with someone with whom a man or woman spoke in line at a store is not normal and a person must understand this. You need to stop adapting to the abuser and remember your personal opinion. A person must analyze the relationship and understand where the partner crosses his personal boundaries.
Set your personal priorities . We need to finally understand that, for example, hitting does not mean loving, which means Article 115 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation. Constant control and insults are also not normal. Until a person realizes this, he will continue to indulge the abuser.
Stop trusting your partner . Abusers speak very beautifully. They are able to lower the vigilance of their victim with beautiful promises and flattery. We need to stop listening to them. The main thing is to realize that they are not caused by great love, but by the desire not to lose control over your partner, because... It is important for people of this type that someone is constantly under their control.
Reduce communication . You can't do this abruptly. This can make the abuser angry and lead to unpredictable consequences. A person must gradually reduce communication to nothing. If previously, after work, a woman immediately met with her partner and fell under control, you can, for example, sign up for a fitness class, citing your desire to look even more beautiful.
Avoid serious conversations .
The abuser is used to the fact that he knows absolutely everything about his companion. We need to deprive him of this right. It is recommended not to enter into serious conversations with him, but to limit communication to discussing the weather, a recent football match, etc.
This will help you gradually get out of the person's control and make parting with him easier for both parties.
Analyze words and actions .
If the abuser once again expressed doubts about the beauty of his partner, you need to look in the mirror and honestly answer the question - is this true? In most cases the answer will be no. Same with actions. If after work the abuser forbids his companion to go for a walk with his colleagues and goes to meet her in person, it is worth considering whether this is caused by a manifestation of concern or a banal reluctance to lose control. Often this is the point that allows you to end a toxic relationship.
Talk about your problems . No, if your partner has already tried to talk to the abuser about this topic, it is not worth repeating. It’s better to tell a close friend or relative about your troubles. This allows you to look at the situation from the outside and get advice from an uninterested person.
Healthy selfishness . This is the abuser's worst enemy. We must finally understand that a person’s actions should correspond to his desires, and not to the needs of other people.
Hardness _ The abuser will try to get his partner back after the breakup. Moreover, everything will be used, from huge bouquets of flowers and oath promises to improve, to threats and open revenge. This is where you need to be firm. A person must understand that the relationship he had with an abuser is not normal. Perhaps they contain a number of received fears and complexes.
Don't blame yourself . Self-flagellation is not the best way to calm down after a breakup. A person must understand that it is not his fault for the cessation of communication. This was a necessary measure. During this period, new hobbies and travel can be good helpers.

Coldness is the worst enemy of an abuser. It helps protect the victim after breaking up with this type of person. There is no need to succumb to provocations and follow someone’s lead again. We need to finally start living for ourselves.

Who can be an abuser?

The abuser has no gender: it can be either a man or a woman—your colleague, friend, spouse, or even relative. They are skilled manipulators, their goal is to squeeze out as much emotion as possible and to assert themselves at your expense.

Yana Slyusareva, practicing psychologist:

Abusers typically come from two personality types: psychopaths and narcissists. The former have no problems with themselves: they do not take responsibility for their actions, are not inclined to introspection - they do not look for problems in themselves. Therefore, it is very difficult for them to build relationships with others. In addition, psychopaths have a flat spectrum of feelings: they experience only negative emotions. No matter what you do, love will never come to a psychopath.
Narcissism in a person manifests itself in excessive self-love. Although in reality such people are very insecure inside and depend on other people’s opinions. In their life, the main goal is success, and often their victims are those who have achieved success in life, are bright and successful.
By the way, the cause of abusive behavior is not always childhood trauma or family script processes, as everyone is accustomed to believe. Scientists have not yet established the exact causes of such behavioral disturbances.

How to get over a breakup?

Any separation is an emotional shock for a person.
Even breaking up with an abuser. Many people experience depression at this time . The person believes that he acted recklessly, but one should not forget that this is a consequence of psychological trauma that was inflicted by the partner.

Emotionally, you need to occupy yourself with other things and try to learn to enjoy life. If this is not done, a person risks completely undermining his self-esteem.

You need to remember that an abuser won’t just leave you alone, so it’s better to take care of protection from such a person in advance. It is recommended not to go anywhere alone. A rejected abuser is unpredictable. When leaving, you should not forget valuable things in such a person’s home. He will try to take advantage of this factor and get in touch with his partner.

If you are too persistent, you can contact law enforcement agencies , because... persecution and moral pressure are punishable by law.

The main rule after leaving such a relationship is to keep yourself from returning to the abuser. Some people are afraid of pressure and persecution, others are lured by gifts. There is a third category of people. Abusers are very attached to themselves. Some time after a breakup, a person begins to feel like he is doing everything wrong. That he made a mistake.

In this case, you need to remember what motivated the departure . It is better to write this down on a piece of paper on the first day after leaving the relationship and every time thoughts about returning appear, look at this piece of paper. This will help you resist temptation.

You can't stand feeling insecure in a relationship.

Feeling safe and comfortable in a relationship is a delicate thing. In many ways, it depends not so much on the person you are with or what kind of relationship you have, but on what kind of person you are.

If you have a very high sensitivity to anxiety, then as soon as a person withdraws their attention even a little, you begin to get nervous and twitch. In this state you are very easy to manipulate.

In addition, when a relationship ends (including because you decided to end it), you begin to think more and more about this person. You want to return to him to finally get rid of the feeling of insecurity.

During the “Closer” phase you had this feeling, but now instead of it you have a feeling of anxiety and insecurity.

If you initially had a higher threshold for sensitivity to anxiety, it would be much easier for you to forget this person now.

Common Mistakes

What you shouldn’t do to finally get rid of an abuser:

Sort things out . Telling the abuser before breaking up about all the negativity that the partner has accumulated over the years of pressure is not the best option. This can lead to conflict with unpredictable consequences.
Give in to persuasion . The abuser may kneel and crawl at his partner's feet, begging him to return. We should not forget that this is just another method of psychological pressure.
Meet . You can't date an abuser after a breakup. Seeing his victim, he can go to any extreme. The maximum is a phone call, which you can always cancel.
Blame yourself . Every person has a moral limit. People shouldn't feel guilty about being bullied for years. The abuser only got what he sought.

What should I do to forget this person?

To forget a person who manipulates you “closer and further”, you need to take three steps.

Step 1. - Stop contact, for good.

You must decide to stop contacting him at all costs.

Important! This decision is necessary to make, because subconsciously you understand perfectly well that the most effective way to stop thinking about this person is to return to him. The result of using manipulative tactics towards you is that you cannot find peace for yourself if he is not around.

But for us returning is not an option. Therefore, it is necessary to cut off your escape routes. This is the essence of the first step.

Step 2. Work through the image of this person in your mind.

Read my post “How to get someone out of your head.”

This post is universal. It is suitable for all situations, be it unrequited love, painful falling in love, a terrible resentment towards a person, because of which you cannot get rid of thoughts of revenge, intense jealousy and other situations.

Near-far manipulation is just one of these situations. This post will help you.

Step 3. Start working on yourself

This is the most important step.

You see, not every person can become a victim of manipulation.

In order for you to be manipulated, you must have a set of certain psychological conditioning that allows others to do this.

And specifically in your case, that is, when manipulating “closer-further”, you must have three things:

A combination of conscious fear of abandonment and subconscious fear of intimacy.
Low self-esteem.
Low threshold of sensitivity to feelings of insecurity and insecurity in relationships.

Before I go into more detail about each of these things, I will make an important note.

These three things work closely together. Taken separately, none of them by themselves will lead to you being manipulated. Therefore, you will have to deal with everyone at once and at the same time, but I will write about this in more detail below.

First, a few words about the first thing, that is, about fear.