Love is a wonderful state, and it is not surprising when women experience this feeling towards men or vice versa. But quite often it happens that a girl suddenly realizes that she has fallen in love with a woman. This can happen to anyone, at any age, and completely unexpectedly. Such feelings are confusing, especially if the woman considered herself to be of traditional sexual orientation. But is it worth panicking and denying the attachment that has arisen? Or it’s better to try to understand yourself, understand why this happened and what can be done.
What leads to this situation
When a girl suddenly realizes that she has fallen in love with another woman, the first thing she experiences is fear. At the same time, a period of trying to understand oneself begins, to find some flaws, deviations, anomalies. Such soul-searching often leads to real panic and attempts to deny the feeling that has arisen.
Nothing happens for no reason, so you should look for the source of same-sex love within yourself. Even if a woman has led a “normal” life for a long time, dating guys or even being married, drastic changes can occur in her consciousness. The reasons for this may be:
- Uncertain sexual preferences.
- Conscious denial of love for members of the same sex.
- Suppressing attraction to women through morality, religion, or culture.
- Hormonal imbalances in the body.
As a rule, falling in love occurs when a person experiences a lack of emotions, life becomes boring and there is a desire to add new colors to it. Psychologists believe that on average a woman falls in love once every 3-4 years. And it doesn’t matter at all whether it’s a man or another girl. Gender fades into the background, and the central place is occupied by the image as a whole, character traits, and demeanor of a person.
A woman falling in love with a representative of the same sex is not a disease. There is no need to try to shame yourself, because love is beautiful, regardless of who it is directed towards.
Women, whose psyche is based on emotions and feelings, are attracted by the personality of the chosen one, her charisma, inner world, how feminine she is. Often there is even no need to possess the object of passion, but the feeling itself helps to find new life guidelines and incentives. Such love brings positive emotions, gives rise to inspiration, the desire to admire everything around, without requiring any specific actions.
Girls easily fall in love with both their peers (friends, neighbors, classmates) and adult women (colleagues, teachers, bosses). Most often, such experiences occur in youth. This is largely due to curiosity, the desire to stand out or assert oneself, but most often it is based on the problem of gender identity, when a girl does not identify herself as a woman. The reasons for this include upbringing, loneliness, and unsuccessful first sexual contact.
According to statistics, 35% of women had sexual experience with friends, while only 2% of respondents changed their orientation after this.
There are often cases when a woman becomes disappointed in men and no longer wants to deal with manifestations of rudeness, aggression or uncompromising dominance. And only a representative of the same sex can understand it. In most cases, a rethinking of one’s entire life occurs, which results in a change in sexual orientation.
Stages of development of relationships between girls
Lesbian relationships are in many ways similar to traditional ones, because first of all we are talking about spiritual, moral and moral closeness; physiological closeness is a pleasant addition.
According to the observations of sexologists, in opposite-sex couples, less than half of the women enjoy intimate life. Whereas in lesbian sex, almost everyone experiences satisfaction.
- Acquaintance means getting closer, getting to know personal traits that are invisible or unimportant to others. The girls share biographical details and life experiences, checking compatibility on various aspects of the relationship.
- Interest is targeted attention to this particular person, the study of a psychological type, the desire to understand the motives and preferences of this particular woman.
- Courtship is a clear sign of attention aimed at showing your interest and inviting you to get to know each other more closely.
- Rapprochement is a sensual stage of a relationship, the most frank and responsible. Usually it is initiated by a more mature, experienced woman who is ready to teach her friend all the nuances of same-sex relationships.
- Reflection, introspection – a period of “cooling”, when everyone remembers and checks their own feelings, determines their significance and the need for further communication.
What would Freud say about this?
According to the theories of Sigmund Freud, all people have an innate predisposition to bisexuality. And homosexual behavior is the result of the manifestation of this predisposition under specific life circumstances. Normally, human development occurs along the heterosexual path, but in some cases it can stop at the stage of immaturity, and this, according to the psychiatrist, gives rise to homosexuality.
But attraction to members of the same sex often arises already in adulthood, manifesting itself as a result of subconscious fears and complexes. Freud also believed that the causes of female homosexuality, as well as male homosexuality, should be sought in childhood. The girl could have had a cruel father or brother, for whom she harbored hostility, which later spread to the image of men in general.
In psychology, it is generally accepted that it is quite natural for all women to experience such feelings, but not everyone can express them. If a girl has fallen in love with a girl, she just needs to calm down and figure herself out.
Freud wrote little on this topic, so it is impossible to present his views in monosyllabic terms. But what is certain is that he recognized homosexuality as a consequence of developmental delay, and not as a mental disorder or disease, which was radically at odds with the opinion of doctors of the time. Freud called the reason for the attraction of women or men to persons of the same sex the influence of life conditions on the development of a person’s psychosexual orientation.
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Does science help in this situation?
In the 1930s, scientists developed the practice of various forms of "conversion therapy" designed to change a person's sexual preference to heterosexual. Today, all major national mental health organizations consider all forms of treatment or "reparative" therapy to be pseudoscientific practices that are simply ineffective and, at worst, emotionally and physically harmful.
Additionally, the American Psychological Association found that promoting conversion therapy instills negative stereotypes that have led to years of discrimination against lesbian, gay, and bisexual people.
READ How many years does falling in love last, and how does it differ from love?
In 1973, the American Psychiatric Association officially removed homosexuality from its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, which is used by medical professionals to define disorders in this area. Every other major medical organization has done the same, eliminating all professional support for the idea that same-sex attraction can or even should be “changed.”
Having her own desire, a girl can turn to a psychologist for help. But he will not consider her “sick”, since this is contrary to professional ethics. However, a specialist is obliged to provide advisory assistance. He will determine the cause of what is happening and try to help. If a woman wants to get rid of such an attraction, a psychologist will tell her how to behave and what measures to take.
And if she simply needs support for socialization in society with a new orientation, he will also provide advisory assistance.
What to do if feelings don't go away
There is no point in hoping that feelings will go away on their own. There is a risk that the psycho-emotional state will only worsen, resulting in severe depression. Therefore, the best way out is to confess to your beloved. Whatever her reaction, only this will help plan further actions. In fact, there can only be three scenarios:
- Reciprocity - the probability of this is the lowest, but it exists, so you can hope for joint happiness.
- Indifference - a woman will listen to a girl in love, perhaps even understand her feelings. But, most likely, he will limit himself to advice for the future, as if a man worthy of love will soon appear, to whom you can reveal your true feelings. In this case, communication will probably not suffer at all and women will be able to continue to be friends or work together. Over time, falling in love will fade, so this option is not considered the worst.
- Blame is the most common option; the only response to recognition will be criticism, insults and cessation of further communication.
In any case, it is better to step over yourself and admit, even if the feelings are unrequited and your beloved rejects you, this will help you forget her over time.
If the confession was reciprocated, not always everything will go smoothly, because the woman, most likely, already has her own established life, and feelings for the girl, albeit mutual, could arise for the first time.
If she has a boyfriend
It all depends on mutual desire, honesty and how serious the love is. If a girl values her relationship with a guy, then it is better to concentrate on platonic love and emotional contact. Time will dot the i's. Perhaps, over time, she will decide who she loves more, then the relationship can safely be moved to a new stage. But you shouldn’t try to take her away from the man.
If both are in a relationship
Often, falling in love with a girl arises from dissatisfaction with the relationship with your husband or boyfriend. A woman is trying to somehow brighten up and diversify her life, to try something new. Here, just as in the previous case, it is not recommended to cut from the shoulder and sever all ties with the past and present. If the love is mutual and true, it becomes clear later, then both women will end the previous relationship in order to be together. If feelings are fleeting, then there is no point in giving up stability in favor of them.
Trying to deceive your men by meeting in secret will only work for the time being. The truth will come out anyway, and the consequences will be dramatic for all four.
If she previously dated a girl
If the chosen one has previously had experience in a relationship with a girl, this simplifies a lot. She already knows how to behave, doesn’t feel embarrassed, and will help you quickly adapt to new feelings. In addition, a woman will not be so scared to admit that she is in love with the object of her passion, because the reaction will definitely not be negative; in the worst case, the girls will simply remain friends.
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It is possible that such a woman will simply want an intimate relationship, without showing feelings. This is also not bad, because it will help you gain some experience and understand yourself.
If the object of affection is much younger
Elements of flirtation and eroticism are present in any female communication, rarely going beyond the boundaries of generally accepted norms. But it happens that a female colleague or friend evokes something more than just sympathy. This is most often associated with the manifestation of her personal qualities and behavioral characteristics. Falling in love can occur between two young girls or adult women, but also between ladies whose ages are significantly different.
The love of a young lady for an older lady is explained by the latter’s authority, experience, ability to present herself correctly, and borders on respect or even admiration for her person. It’s another matter when an adult woman fell in love with a girl much younger than herself. How to be in this case? On the one hand, there is every chance for such a “girl” to become something like an experienced ally, a reliable partner, a guide to the world of sensuality. Moreover, the younger generation is not so skeptical about same-sex love. But the risk of being rejected and ridiculed still remains if the passion does not experience reciprocity.
If the feelings are mutual, you shouldn’t look at age. A woman will always understand another woman and will be able to satisfy her needs, both sexual and emotional, on a much deeper level than men.
How long will this last
But while bad guys have the power of hypnosis and magnetism, it's important to note that their methods of seduction wear out pretty quickly.
Although they find it relatively easy to build new relationships, research suggests that over time they have a harder time maintaining their captivating first impression. Don't forget that bad guys tend to have character traits such as selfishness, indifference and arrogance.
Just be careful, since recognizing the true essence of a person is not immediately possible. Bad guys are good at hiding their bad qualities.
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What to do next
The most important thing a woman who has suddenly realized her homosexuality needs to do is stop being afraid and no longer engage in self-flagellation. It’s not easy not to blame yourself, but to accept who you are, but only this can become the basis of a harmonious relationship with your beloved.
A woman’s sexuality is an important component of her identity. Trying to deny yourself is wrong. Even if the chosen one rejected, this will serve as an impetus for self-knowledge.
If a woman’s inner circle does not accept a girl’s love for a girl, she should not rely on the opinion of advisers and give up her feelings. You can only ask for advice from a close and understanding person or listen only to yourself.
It is possible that everything will be limited to platonic relationships, which are also necessary for the development of sensuality. Friendship is also a type of love, and it is quite natural to value it.
How to make girls run after you on their own
It is generally accepted that a man seeks a relationship. But you can make girls run after you and try to achieve mutual feelings. How to do it?
- Don't show too much interest in the girl. Either be indifferent or show attention, warming up feelings.
- You must have a passion.
- Don't show jealousy.
- Don't look for a reason to call. Communicate with the girl only on business.
- Arouse interest in yourself by becoming popular.
- Don't show interest in the girl's past relationships.
Read more articles about relationships at this link.
The ethical side, or how to explain everything to children
The ethical side of same-sex relationships causes many problems both for the lovers themselves and for their immediate circle, in the family or at work. But pure, sincere love cannot be bad. People close to you will understand, no matter how different it may be from their own beliefs, even if it takes time. And how others look at it doesn’t really matter.
Often a woman is consumed by a feeling of guilt in front of her children: how will they react to the fact that they now have two mothers. A child, like no one else, feels the emotional state of his parents, so it is important to explain to him that there is nothing wrong with this and happiness has no limits. Children absorb information like a sponge. There is no need to initially convince them that such relationships are a deviation from the norm, then accepting this fact will be painless.
Difficulties facing same-sex couples
Every same-sex couple faces rejection in society in one way or another. Some openly express their negativity, others begin to spread gossip or slander behind their back. You need to learn to ignore sidelong glances and concentrate on personal happiness. It may be worth seeking help from a psychologist.
Today, attitudes towards gays, lesbians and bisexuals in society have become much more accepting. There is no need to try to dissuade someone that they are right, but it doesn’t cost anything to prove them with foam at the mouth. Just living and being happy is the easiest way out.
Be that as it may, you should always concentrate on personal happiness and not extinguish your emotions to please others. A woman's love for a woman is as natural as any other. It is better to extract only positive aspects from any situation.
Fight for a woman
“Recently, on the subway, two girls waved their hands at me and expressed admiration for my appearance with loud exclamations. The mood lifted - so what, girls. I need attention, and it doesn’t matter from whose side.”
This is a problem of seeking comfort and low self-esteem. Among lesbians, traditionally male behavior patterns such as fighting for a chosen one are more common today than among men. For a young girl, deprived of male attention, lesbian knightly tournaments in her honor are a pleasant surprise. Self-esteem grows, overwhelming all other instincts and feelings.
