Bullied childhood: what is bullying and how to fight it?

We all remember the wonderful Soviet film “Scarecrow” about the girl Lena Bessoltseva, who became a victim of aggression and psychological pressure from her classmates. Fans of American cinema may recall on this topic the film “Carrie” based on the novel by Stephen King, where the main character, due to her extraordinary appearance and psychological characteristics, becomes the object of bullying and cruel jokes from her peers.

Worried that your child is being bullied at school? Prove the fact of bullying and help your child by using the Sound Around function in the “Where are my kids” application, downloading it from the AppStore or GooglePlay.

All this is about bullying at school - bullying, intimidation, bullying. The word is new, the phenomenon is old. According to UN data from 2006, every tenth schoolchild in the world is exposed to violence at school, and this figure is growing every year. In the media, we are increasingly seeing frightening headlines: “teenagers posted a video online of beating a classmate,” “a girl committed suicide due to bullying at school.”

The problem of bullying is modern and acutely social. You can’t turn a blind eye to it, because children’s cruelty sometimes goes beyond all acceptable limits.

This article is for parents, children, teachers, for those who have had to deal with bullying at school and for those who want to protect their child from this horrific phenomenon of our time.

Definition of bullying

The concept is derived from the English word “bullying”, translated as “bullying”.

Bullying

- deliberate persecution of the victim, one of the members of the team by others.

Characteristic signs of bullying are:

• The forces of the aggressor and the persecuted are clearly unequal. The victim is unable to defend himself due to physical weakness or other reasons. If the forces of the parties are equivalent, then we should talk about a conflict, but not about bullying.
• Violence against the victim of bullying is carried out on a regular basis, constantly. A one-time insult cannot be considered bullying, it is just an insult. The buller oppresses his victim every day, or whenever there is such an opportunity.
• The use of violence and bullying causes an extremely negative psychological reaction in the victim.

The main goal of a bully (aggressor) is to hide his own inferiority. Bullying has nothing to do with leadership or management of activities. The main motivating motives for bullying are envy, revenge, struggle for power, personal hostility towards a person.

Such a person, having chosen a victim, will harass her with constant ridicule, insults, bullying, even physical violence. Bullying can also be collective, when the so-called “persecutors” join the aggressor.

These are assistant strikers who are distinguished by the following personality traits:

• lack of a strong core within oneself (easily succumb to the influence of others);
• low degree of responsibility for one’s own actions;
• lack of empathy, compassion;
• low self-esteem, desire to make friends with “strong” team members.

Group aggression towards the victim has a stronger and more prolonged effect, the impact on the child’s psyche is stronger than with individual bullying.

The most severe consequences occur for children and adolescents who have been bullied, since adults are much less susceptible to psychological violence and can stand up for themselves, including by contacting law enforcement agencies. Children, as a rule, are afraid to ask for protection or do not express their feelings to adults out of a sense of false pride or decency.

If there is bullying in the class...What to do? article on psychology (5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 grade)

If there is bullying in the class...What to do?

Bullying is the deliberate, deliberate aggressive behavior of one person against another. And if we say “conscious aggressive behavior,” then these are definitely not preschoolers. Although, of course, there are no exceptions to the rules. The largest percentage of bullies is observed from 8 to 15-16 years.

Who are these aggressors? The first thing that comes to mind is children with pathologies of the nervous system and mental illnesses. And it will be right. Secondly, these are children who systematically observe aggression in their lives. Those. when a drunken father systematically beats his mother, the mother screams at the paralyzed grandmother, when beating is a legalized method of punishment. But the initiators of bullying can also be completely ordinary children, with normal self-esteem and no problems in the family. Yes, these children may be experiencing some kind of personal grief at the moment (mom got married for the second time, death of a loved one).

A special place is occupied by children who have experienced maternal deprivation (lack of care for the child). These are children with hostility towards the whole world in general. Having not received warmth, love and acceptance at an early age, such children consider the people around them to be inherently dangerous.

School bullying - why it's serious

Probably each of us has had experience with school bullying. Some were victims, some actively participated, some turned out to be witnesses. These were not the best moments of our childhood, associated with feelings of fear, shame, powerlessness, and perhaps we tried very hard to forget about them. But when we have grown up, become parents and professionals, the topic of school bullying comes up again when we need to protect our children or students from it. At this point we discover how difficult it is.

The Russian word “travlya”, very precise, the same root as the word “poison”, makes us think about the consequences. Bullying can literally poison a child’s childhood and make school years not “wonderful” at all, but terrible. Moreover, it can poison the personality, distort a person’s idea of ​​himself, of others, of how the world works.

For many years, bullying was considered an inevitable evil in children's groups, something like an unpleasant but harmless childhood illness that “will go away on its own,” and grievances “will heal before the wedding.” In some cases this is true, but there is now a growing body of research that shows that the experience of bullying is not at all harmless and can have serious consequences.

Who is involved in school bullying?

Bullying is most common in primary and secondary schools. By the 10th–11th grades, against the backdrop of the maturation of brain structures and the ability of adolescents to self-regulation, it gradually fades away.

If bullying starts in a team, it’s hard not to get involved. There are many roles in bullying. Three main ones: bullies (they come up with and lead the bullying), observers (seemingly on the sidelines of the conflict, but still approve or condemn the aggressors) and the victim.

Unfortunately, in a situation of bullying, it is useless to take a distant position. Even if only one classmate is attacked and your child “does not concern”, observers receive no less, and sometimes even more, traumatization.

There is even a term in psychology called “observer trauma.” Often the child cannot independently cope with the experience of observing ongoing violence. Bullying damages the mental health of not only the victim, but also children who are in the position of silent witnesses.

Consequences for the victim of bullying may include:

— Difficulties in studying, inability to concentrate due to constant stress;

— Constant absences from classes, because going to school is scary and being there is painful;

- Persistently reduced self-esteem, lack of confidence in one’s strengths, a distorted image of oneself as “flawed”, “not what one should be”;

— Anxiety disorders, including persistent and severe forms;

— Depressive disorders, including persistent and severe forms;

— Social neuroses, social phobia, difficulties with communication, with making and maintaining social connections that will remain for many years after school. Sometimes these problems do not go away without psychotherapeutic treatment;

— Psychosomatic (stress-related) diseases, which can also be very long-lasting and resistant to treatment;

— Suicidal thoughts and attempts, which are observed among victims of bullying 5 times more often than among other schoolchildren.

Why does bullying happen?

Children in pre-teenage and adolescence go through a stage of learning to belong to a group. They need to learn to be a member of the group, “one of their own,” master the group hierarchy, learn to be useful to the group, and observe group norms and rules. Later, in adolescence and young adulthood, the time will come to learn and stand up to the group, to assert your individuality, to resist pressure, but in primary and secondary school, it is more important for children to be accepted into “their pack”, to fully feel a sense of belonging. This is the age of group loyalty and group cohesion.

But the school class as a group has characteristic features. This is, firstly, a group created “from above”: the children did not choose to be with each other, they were distributed this way for the convenience of the learning process. Secondly, this is a group that does not have a common positive goal. Everyone learns for himself, there are no common victories and defeats for the class, there is nothing that the whole class could do, coordinating efforts together and agreeing on the distribution of roles. In today's school, such activities are not accepted or encouraged. For example, if children run away from class in an orderly manner, this will be a manifestation of good group cohesion and effective coordination of efforts, but it is unlikely to please teachers and parents.

Participants in the bullying experience a special rapture, daring, fun, and euphoria. Because they are together. And everything is OK with them (it doesn’t matter what goes into it: beautiful, or smart, or fashionable, or brave losers). Once you experience this feeling, you want to repeat it again and again. And it’s very difficult and scary to stop: suddenly you stop being a “correct” member of the group and become an outcast. The more insecure a child is, the more dependent he is on the assessment of others, the more likely he is to actively participate in bullying as an “extra.”

Thus, bullying is a group problem, a manifestation of group dynamics. Children's groups find themselves defenseless in front of it if there is no adult who manages the psychological atmosphere in the group (this is about Golding's famous story "Lord of the Flies").

What should parents do?

Parents of a child victim experience feelings of guilt, shame, anger, pain and powerlessness. Because of this, sometimes, instead of support and sympathy, they attack him with advice and accusations: “Why didn’t you fight back?!”, “Don’t be a rag!”, “It’s your own fault,” and so on.

It is important to understand that this can happen to any family. No one is to blame here, especially the child himself. If you feel that as a parent you are not coping with the situation (and this is normal), then first of all you need to get the support of your loved ones or a psychologist yourself.

After consulting with a specialist, you will be able to talk normally about what happened to your child. Here are phrases to help you start a dialogue.

• "I believe you". This will let the child know that together you will cope with the problem.
• "I'm sorry this happened to you." This is a signal that you share his feelings.
• "It is not your fault". Show your child that he is not alone in this situation; many of his peers are faced with different types of bullying and aggression.
• “It’s good that you told me about this.” Prove that the child did the right thing by contacting you.
• “I love you and I will try to make sure you are no longer in danger.” This phrase will allow you to feel protected and look to the future with hope.

Always try to maintain a trusting relationship with your children so that they can ask for help in time.

What should a teacher do?

1. Talk to the instigators. The aggressors are sure that they are right and no one sees them. Therefore, not even a conversation in the director’s office, but at the initial stages an ordinary conversation will make it clear that you are in the spotlight and all your illegal actions are visible. Explain to children that their behavior is unacceptable and can lead to severe consequences. Tell how the victim feels.

2. Have a clarifying conversation in class. You may not name names, but even so everyone will understand.

3. Do not provoke bullying yourself and do not legalize it. If a teacher repeatedly makes judgmental comments about the same student, this will give children a reason to think that this is normal. Eliminate phrases like “Because of you, Semyonov, we couldn’t go over the material in class again,” “Again, Ivanov, you didn’t do your homework. You are letting the whole class down,” “Your parents don’t care about you, I will raise you,” etc.

4. Conduct bonding games in the classroom.

5. If this is not an isolated case, then you need to involve other specialists - psychologists, social educators and parents. Those who will solve the problem practically within the limits of their competence. Perhaps this will not only be trainings and consultations, but also conversations with parents and visits to the family.

6. The best way is prevention. Include information about conflicts and how to resolve them in your classroom.

7. Watch films with children and discuss. I offer you below questions for discussion of the classic Russian film "Scarecrow" 1983, directed by Rolan Bykov. In the film, children defend their concept of justice. The fear of being an outcast motivates those who add wood to the fire and burn an effigy. Belonging to a group removes responsibility for actions. Adults are also cruel, no one intervened, and the class teacher punishes by canceling the excursion.

What should a child do?

Due to his age, a child cannot protect himself from bullying. This is the work of adults. However, there are basic things that adults should explain to him to prevent conflicts:

“Talking about cases of bullying to adults you trust is right, it’s not snitching.”

— You need to strengthen your self-esteem and behave confidently. Be persistent and strong (at least outwardly).

“You can’t hope to take revenge with even greater cruelty.” This will lead to new problems. It is better to look for friends among peers and use the most powerful weapon against aggression - humor.

- It is necessary to avoid situations in which bullying is possible and refuse offers to participate in it.

— If you witness violence, you should immediately bring an adult or advise the victim to go to a trusted parent or teacher for help.

What to do if your child is a buller

Most often, children who are exposed to domestic violence, as well as those who have experienced traumatic moments in the past, become bullies. If a father beats and humiliates a boy at home, then with a high probability the next day he will try to take it out on his weaker classmates. Such a child undoubtedly needs the help of specialists, but the main thing is to analyze what is happening in your home.

But there are cases when a bully has high self-esteem coupled with reduced empathy and is fully aware of his actions. Such a child needs strict boundaries and clear consequences for his actions. Talk to him about it. Talk about your experiences as a victim or an aggressor.

Pay attention to the child’s surroundings: whether he is being abused by older friends (sometimes constant sarcastic remarks are enough).

Finally, go to a consultation with a family psychologist so that everyone can figure out what’s happening together. It is often impossible to do this on your own.

What exactly can parents do to increase their child’s authority among classmates:

1. teach not to be afraid of your classmates who also have problems;

2. establish contacts for parents with teachers and classmates;

3. participate in class activities that involve parents;

4. if parents have an unusual hobby that is interesting to children, tell the child’s classmates about it. If a parent can talk for hours about all kinds of car brands, then even the most notorious fighters will look at you with admiration and are unlikely to touch your child;

5. invite the child’s classmates, and especially those he sympathizes with, to visit you as often as possible;

6. a child needs people who will not hurt him; Along with the teachers, this could also be a group of children who sympathize with him, and since explanations do not take place in front of the teachers, but during breaks, in the schoolyard, such a group of children will be able to support him.

7. increase the child’s self-esteem;

8. in cases of high self-esteem of the child, explain to him that this does not need to be shown to others, that every person has both disadvantages and advantages; and if he succeeds in mathematics, for example, then it is not necessary that he succeed in physical education or anything else;

9. help the child become a member of the class team, and not just go to study;

10. if the child is a victim, then do not resign yourself to the fate of the victim, but rebel against it, attracting your friends to your side;

11. do not show your fear and weakness in front of the bully, if such a relationship exists, and instead of tears and requests for mercy, attack your pursuers, at least with unexpected questions, or puzzle them with your knowledge of something bad about them.

12. do not turn your child against his school activities, even if they seem unnecessary to you;

13. do not try to distinguish your child from classmates with “elite” clothes and special glamor;

14. teach to fulfill general requirements for all children in the class, right down to the dress code in physical education lessons.

How should parents behave if they find out that their child is the instigator of school violence?

1. Like the parents of the child victim, understand the reason why he became a rapist.

2. Help the child realize that aggression and cruelty are not the best qualities of a person and are not indicators of masculinity.

3. That a real man proves his masculinity not with fights and fists, but with worthy masculine behavior even in critical situations.

4. If a child has become the instigator of bullying due to increased aggressiveness, take the necessary measures to reduce this aggressiveness.

5. If a child becomes a rapist because of envy of his classmate’s school successes, try to help him master those subjects that he has difficulty mastering.

6. If a child became a persecutor in school bullying because of envy of the victim’s high material capabilities, figure out what he means by these material capabilities. And if the essence of the problem is only that the victim has a modern player, but he does not, think about whether you really cannot give your child this fashionable modern “toy” or whether you simply think that he does not need it. If it’s just because of the opinion that “it’s not needed,” try to change your mind, especially if most of the children in the class already have similar players. Parents need to know that a modern child today has modern attributes of life that simply did not exist during their school years.

7. Another question: what could be the reasons for regular, repeated cruelty in a teenager? If you see that a teenager, regardless of the situation, shows cruelty to a variety of people, there is reason to assume that: firstly, he has accumulated a lot of anger, rebellion, and resentment inside him, which spills out “in the wrong place”; secondly, for some reason he had a “broken” mechanism responsible for recognizing the suffering of another person - the mechanism of empathy, compassion. In this case, it is necessary to understand who is the true recipient of anger and how it happened that the “aggregate” of compassion did not work.

What not to do

Often adults, when faced with bullying in a children's group, make typical mistakes that lead to the situation of bullying being preserved or even worsening. So, what not to do in case of bullying.

1. Wait for it to go away on its own

It doesn't go away on its own. In children up to adolescence - for sure. Later, there is a small chance that in the group there will be quite authoritative children, not necessarily leaders, who will suddenly see this situation not as a usual game, but as cruelty and unworthy behavior and decide to declare their vision. This can, if not completely stop, greatly reduce bullying. But until about 12 years of age, it is difficult for children to rely on their own moral guidelines, much less go against group pressure (this is not easy for adults either). If adults do not take care of the atmosphere in a children's group, bullying itself will not go away.

2. Look for reasons and explanations

There are many reasons why bullying occurs: the demands of age, the pressure of a closed system, the personal characteristics of children, the lack of experience of teachers, and background aggression in society. All this is very important and interesting, and definitely worth studying and understanding. But many quite objectively existing reasons do not make bullying acceptable. You can search for a long time for the causes and factors that cause a disease, but you cannot do this instead of helping those who are suffering today. Bullying in a particular classroom, from which specific children are suffering right now, is not a matter of scientific research, it is a matter of morality and human rights. Bullying is unacceptable. No characteristics of schools, communities, families or children can justify bullying.

3. Confusing bullying with unpopularity

The point of bullying is not that someone doesn’t like someone. The essence of bullying is violence. This is group violence, emotional and/or physical. And this is precisely what an adult who is entrusted with a group of children is responsible for. For their protection from violence. Popularity is a psychological issue. Gang violence is a matter of rights violations.

4. Consider bullying as a problem only for the victim.

This is something that is important to convey to parents: if it is not your child who is being bullied, do not think that you have no reason to worry. Not to mention the fact that persecution that simmers for a long time always breaks out into outbreaks of real violence. And then absolutely any child – including yours – may find himself “appointed” by the group to carry out its will and “give it to him as it should.” He himself will not be able to explain later why he became so furious and why he did something that was not at all typical of him. Well, then the options. Either he himself risks committing a serious crime, or the desperate victim will fight back, and anything can happen.

5. Consider bullying to be an individual problem, not a group problem.

Anyone can become a scapegoat. It’s an illusion that you have to be something special to do this. Glasses (freckles), thickness (thinness), nationality, cheap clothes - everything can become a basis for declaring the victim “not like that.” The cause of bullying is not the characteristics of the victim, but the characteristics of the group. The same child can be an outcast in one group and an insider in another. Or stop being an outcast in the same class in a short time, say, after changing the class teacher.

It also makes no sense to reduce the cause of bullying to the qualities of those who bully. Of course, the role of initiators of bullying is often taken on by children who are not the most prosperous internally. But their qualities alone are not enough. Often the most notorious bullies, accidentally finding themselves alone with the victim, for example, during an after-school program, play peacefully with her. And if the teacher intervenes and begins to actively work with bullying, the aggressors sometimes change their behavior in a matter of days, although, of course, they could not so quickly solve their “internal problems” or increase their “cultural level.”

This mistake underlies attempts to overcome bullying through “heart-to-heart conversations” or “individual work with a psychologist.” Whether with the victim or with the aggressors. Bullying, like any stuckness in destructive dynamics, is a group disease. And you need to work with the group as a whole. Discuss what is happening, establish new rules. And only in this context can conversations with the victim and offenders be useful.

Trying to solve the problem of bullying by solving the personal problems of the actors is the same as trying to solve the problem of accidents on the roads not by reasonable traffic rules and monitoring their implementation, but by developing in each individual driver the speed of reaction, politeness and love for one's neighbor. One of the main tasks of the age at the end of primary and secondary school is to understand the rules of the hostel and learn to live in society. And adults should set the rules.

6. Pressure for pity

The logic of bullying is that the spotlight of general negative attention is turned on the victim, and she darts around in it, like a doomed rabbit in the headlights of a car. Therefore, any talk about the victim reinforces the bullying. Our task is to turn the spotlight on bullying itself as a phenomenon, to make violence as such a target.

7. Accept the rules of the game

This is perhaps the most important thing. The situation of bullying shifts the “normal point”. After some time, it seems to everyone that this is how it should be, “those like that” should be persecuted, but how could it be otherwise - after all, they are “like that.” If you don't confront the very idea of ​​bullying, nothing will happen.

Any situation of violence provokes a choice: either “they beat me because I am weak, and they will always beat me,” or “they will not beat me, because I am strong and I will be beaten.” Despite all the apparent differences, both of these positions are similar. They are both based on the same belief about how the world works. Namely: “the strong beat the weak.” And often adults, trying to help, actually reinforce this picture of the world.

It is necessary to go for confrontation, but not confrontation with specific children, but confrontation with the rules of the game according to which the strong have the right to beat the weak. With bullying as violence, as a disease, poison, moral rust. With something that shouldn't happen. Something that cannot be justified, from which ANY child should be protected – period.

It is impossible without confrontation; persuasion will not help, mediation and “team building” will not help either.

Here are some tips to give your child to overcome this problem:

1. Don’t rush to throw your negativity into cyber space. Let your child consult with an adult before responding to aggressive messages. For older children, offer rules: before writing and sending messages, you should calm down, quench your anger, resentment, anger.

2. Build your own online reputation, don’t buy into the illusion of anonymity. Although cyberspace provides additional opportunities to feel the freedom and freedom of anonymity, a child should know that there are ways to find out who is behind a certain nickname. And if incorrect actions in the virtual space lead to real harm, everything secret becomes clear. The Internet records history, which consists of the public actions of participants and determines the online reputation of each person - the accumulated image of a person in the eyes of other participants. It is easy to tarnish this reputation, but difficult to correct it.

3. Keep evidence of attacks. If a child is very upset by a message, picture, video, etc., they should immediately contact their parents for advice, and older children should save or print the page themselves in order to consult with adults at a convenient time.

4. Ignore the single negative. It is better to ignore one-off offensive messages - often cyber-bullying as a result of such behavior stops at the initial stage. Experienced participants in online discussions adhere to the rule: “The best way to deal with inappropriate people is to ignore.”

5. If you witness cyber-bullying, the correct behavior would be: a) speak out against the aggressor, let him know that his actions are assessed negatively, b) support the victim - in person or in a public virtual space, provide her with emotional support, c) inform adults about the fact of incorrect behavior in cyber space.

6. Block aggressors. Instant messaging programs have the ability to block messages from certain addresses. A pause in communication often discourages the aggressor from continuing the bullying.

7. You should not ignore aggressive messages if letters from an unknown sender systematically contain threats or pornographic content. In this case, you should copy these messages and contact law enforcement. If offensive information is posted on the site, you should make a request to the administrator to remove it.

It is impossible to completely eradicate cyberbullying, just like other manifestations of cruelty in the virtual space and real life. But this does not mean that adults can ignore this phenomenon and distance themselves from protecting their children and regulating teenage conflicts. Adults should keep school teachers informed about the problems - this will allow them to more closely monitor conflicts in real life, the combination of which with cyber-bullying is especially dangerous. In some cases, it is worth talking to a psychologist.

The task of parents is not only to support a child who finds himself in a difficult situation, but also to teach him to interact with others. There is no need to try to completely protect the child from negative experiences. In everyday life, it is impossible to avoid anger, resentment, or encounters with cruelty. It is important to teach children to resist aggressors without becoming like them. A child must be able to say “no”, not succumb to the provocations of his comrades, treat failures with humor, know that sometimes it is better to let adults in on his problems than to sort them out on his own, and be confident that his family will not brush him off, but will help and support him. in difficult times.

Types of bullying

Violence against a person can take various forms; let’s look at the main types of bullying.

Physical impact

The aggressor physically influences the victim - pushes, kicks, pulls the hair. Physical violence can be either mild or severe, up to and including beating. This kind of bullying is suppressed more often than other forms, since its consequences are obvious, and the corresponding actions are punishable by law.

Emotional bullying

The most common form of bullying, which is expressed in constant humiliation, ridicule and insults. A child may be discriminated against based on national or social characteristics or physical disabilities. “Fat trust”, “kalancha”, “son of drunks” - these are all examples of emotional bullying.

The victim is bullied and often socially isolated, which can lead to a nervous breakdown. Not only students, but also teachers who publicly ridicule a child’s mental abilities or behavioral skills can act as an aggressor.

Economic bullying

Economic bullying is expressed in the fact that money or other valuables or things are extorted or directly taken from the victim. Clothing or other personal items may be damaged.

This type of aggression is dangerous because information about the person being persecuted spreads very quickly and becomes available to a large number of people at once.

Cyberbullying

This form of bullying is relatively new and involves aggression using communication tools. This could be distributing defamatory information on social networks, sending threatening letters by email or SMS messages, or filming the abuse of the victim on a video camera.

Practical part

Friends, this is the ability to properly build communications with people. If you want to work in this direction, I recommend you the online intensive “Effective Communication” - How to understand the hidden emotions of others and build effective communication. This course will teach you:

• Manage your emotions and control impulses
• Overcome difficult emotional situations
• Understand the other person's feelings and thoughts on a deeper level
• Communicate more effectively with your surroundings
• Manage conflicts
• Build harmonious relationships

The author of the course is Oleg Kalinichev. Expert in nonverbal behavior, emotional intelligence and lie detection. Accredited trainer Paul Ekman International. Managing Director of Paul Ekman International in Russia (PEI Russia).

The online intensive “Effective Communication” will be especially useful:

1. Entrepreneurs, executives, top managers.
2. For those who work with clients, middle managers, and freelancers.
3. To everyone who is involved in raising children.
4. Anyone who wants to improve their communication with others.

The training consists of 4 blocks:

1. Emotions. Basics.
2. Emotional stability and emotional flexibility.
3. Social efficiency.
4. Building harmonious relationships.

This training will not only help you learn a lot about effective communication, but will also help you learn how to apply the acquired knowledge in practice.

Reasons for bullying

Bullying is a multifactorial concept; several components contribute to its appearance at school. First of all, the microclimate at school often gives rise to the development of bullying.

This occurs in cases where:

• Teachers themselves provoke bullying situations by allowing humiliation or ridicule towards individual children.
• Adults create privileges for some students who become “favorites” and are forgiven a lot.
• Teachers try not to notice conflicts between teenagers and do not take responsibility for the aggressive behavior of children. By remaining aloof from the problem, adults thereby encourage the further development of bullying at school.

The personality of the aggressor himself, as the central figure of bullying, is also important.

Children and teenagers become bullies if the following factors are present:

1. The level of educational work in the family is absent or very low.
2. The person has very low self-esteem, which he tries to raise by humiliating others.
3. The child strives to be the center of attention, to become an informal leader.
4. There is experience of similar relationships in previous social groups.
5. Emotional mobility: impulsiveness, aggressiveness.
6. Low level of empathy and compassion.

Children from socially disadvantaged families who abuse alcohol or drugs and have sexual contacts from an early age often become bullies. On the other hand, children from absolutely wealthy families, the so-called “majors,” act as aggressors. What unites aggressors is the lack of love and attention from adults, including due to constant earning money. The child, remaining without understanding from the closest people (mom and dad), becomes embittered and tries to achieve recognition by emotionally and physically bullying other children.

You are the one to blame

Teachers will be taught to look for future criminals in elementary school

The Ministry of Education has developed guidelines for the prevention of problem behavior in students

The most illiterate position, according to experts, is to blame your child for the current situation. Often in discussions of the topic of bullying, the argument is heard that in some cases the victim provokes the team with his behavior.

“I had a classmate, Ira. I came from another school. We were well-mannered children, not scumbags. The new girl was not offended or bullied. But then an incident happened. We brought all the money to school to donate for breakfast. And this one is rummaging through her briefcase and can’t find it. And then he says that the money is missing. We assumed that she had lost or forgotten who she was not with. She responded to the whole class (about 40 people) that she definitely took the money, and one of us stole it during recess. I was sitting behind her, took her briefcase, shook it out - I got a C from one book and fell out. This became the reason for the boycott and other delights in her life in our class. They didn’t talk to her, the boys pulled her pigtails in an angry way, constantly, the girls simply squeezed her out of their circle. She did not study with us for long; she was transferred to another school. But even there, according to rumors, something similar happened, and the students there were harsher, beat her and put a flower pot on her ears,” shared Izvestia’s interlocutor on condition of anonymity.

This story about an overly suspicious girl only proves the theory that society can make a person overly suspicious.

bulling6

Bullying is not a normal conflict

Photo: Depositphotos/GiannikosImages

“To believe that the victim of bullying is to blame is, in my opinion, akin to a crime. Let's take a trivial example: it is his own fault that he is teased - his nails are dirty. Ok, you can cut your nails. But there will be something else. After all, the primitive model of bullying is based on devouring one’s own kind. What is poisoning? This means wanting someone to die, wanting to cause someone suffering, just like that, without any meaning, just because he is different,” summed up Dima Zitser.

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A teacher not only does not have the right to distance himself from bullying a student, he must become part of the school’s anti-bullying team, its main player, Lyutykh believes.

“The teacher must be able to promptly identify signs of incipient bullying, distinguish it from an ordinary conflict, know and be able to act in such conditions. In a normal conflict, children will indeed often “figure it out on their own” and gain the necessary life experience. But bullying is not a normal conflict. This is a special and very harmful phenomenon for everyone,” says the psychologist. Today there are special trainings for teachers that teach teachers to resist bullying of students.

Who is more likely to be a victim of bullying at school?

Anyone can be harassed, but there is one thing that all victims have in common - a strong emotional reaction to insults and harassment. As soon as the offender feels anger, fear or resentment, he realizes that he has achieved his goal, he fed on the emotions of the victim. If the reaction to harassment is adequately strong or indifferent, then the target of harassment will quickly change, and hurting him will become neither interesting nor profitable for the offender.

Traditionally, the targets of bullying are:

• Losers, or vice versa, excellent students.
• Teachers' favorites or rejected by them.
• Children with physical disabilities or disabilities.
• Guys with special, creative thinking, non-standard behavior.
• Students from low-income families.
• Children who have their own view of things, the world in general.
• The most beautiful or, conversely, unattractive girls.
• Representatives of national and sexual minorities.
• Students with low or low self-esteem.

Children who are modest, overly impressionable, and timid are subject to bullying. Boys are more often persecuted physically, and girls emotionally (gossip, rumors).

What are the differences between bullying and mobbing?

Mobbing

is one of the forms of psychological violence, expressed in the bullying of one person by a group of people within a separate team.

The distinctive features of this type of violence from bullying are:

• Mobbing is typical for adult groups and manifests itself at work.
• If in bullying the instigator of bullying is one leader, then mobbing is the influence of a group of people, a “pride”.
• The purpose of bullying is to humiliate the honor and dignity of the victim, psychological suppression. Mobbing, as a rule, has the goal of survival of a person from the team, of hooking him up.

Mobbing does not manifest itself in the form of physical violence; aggressors act more subtly and sophisticatedly. They spread unfounded rumors about a person, belittle his business qualities, and discuss his personal life. This is understandable, because an adult can receive a real prison term for assault, and he is aware of this fact.

If mobbing is “vertical”, then the group of “comrades” against the victim will be led by the first leader, who is trying to increase his own self-esteem at the expense of another person or eliminate a competitor. In “horizontal” mobbing, the aggressors are colleagues who are at the same level of service as the victim.

Despite the apparent mildness of mobbing compared to bullying, it can also lead to serious consequences for the victim, such as a nervous breakdown or attempted suicide.

How to deal with school bullying

The leading role in stopping school bullying is given to the teaching staff and the specific teacher, class teacher:

• From the first time in class, attempts to ridicule students should be stopped. For example, if a student solved an equation incorrectly and another teenager starts insulting him on the spot, you need to immediately stop the offender, explaining that a classmate’s failure cannot be a reason for ridicule.
• It is necessary to stop all facts of disdainful attitude. In response to a child’s phrase addressed to another: “I won’t sit with him!”, you need to insist on your own. Later, you should talk with the teenager, find out the reason for his antipathy towards the other person, and imagine yourself in his place.
• If a child is a “black sheep,” he should be given the opportunity to express himself and show those qualities that will help him gain authority in the eyes of his classmates.
• Joint activities, games, hikes, and class evenings greatly contribute to class unity. You can come up with the idea of ​​staging a play or publishing a wall newspaper.
• It is strictly forbidden to allow ridicule and humiliation of anyone on the part of the teacher. Children, first of all, copy the behavioral attitudes of adults. Having offended a student, it will be difficult for a teacher to prove to the bully that he is acting incorrectly.
• If a teacher sees a hyperactive, aggressive child striving to take a leadership position, it is necessary to take measures to direct the child’s energy in a positive direction.

Important!

At the first signs of bullying, it is necessary to take measures to suppress it, not to hush up the situation, saving the honor of the uniform. Information about bullying should be communicated to the parents of both children; it is advisable to have a general conversation with ratings and finding a way out of the conflict.

Children will figure it out on their own

“The children will figure it out themselves - this is a provocation, such a prison-Nazi approach to solving the problem of bullying. Let's remember the role of the teacher in the wonderful film “Scarecrow”. This is like a positive woman, loved by her students. She seemed to be doing everything right. She spoke words about the unity of the team... What she was doing was a monstrous simplification of relationships. Here we are all together, and then everything will spin itself: the whole world is in black and white - these are good, these are bad, but the truth lies with the majority. This position inevitably leads to bullying,” says Vadim (Dima) Zitser, director of the Institute of Non-Formal Education INO.

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Children will figure it out themselves - this is such a Nazi approach to solving the problem of bullying

Photo: Global Look Press/imagebroker/Siegfried Kuttig

Bullying is a primitive way of communication in a group, almost animalistic, says Dima Zitser. The basis for the persecution of individual members of the team is built on the postulate “the world is simple and we are simple, we should all want the same thing,” the teacher believes. But not everyone fits into this system - there is always a person who looks at things differently, or he himself does not understand that he is different, as in the same film “Scarecrow”.

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“In my opinion, a teacher should do the exact opposite - he should complicate relationships. It is necessary to ask each student questions: “what am I?”, “how are my relationships with the world?”, “how do I look at myself and others?” The cure for the problem begins with these questions and the search for answers to them,” says the teacher.

Some parents believe that their child should go through these tests, they say, so the child will be vaccinated against the difficulties of adult life that await him in the future. For example, the army, if we are talking about boys. Others simply underestimate the problem - especially those parents who did not themselves face such trouble in childhood. This is a fundamentally wrong approach from a psychological point of view.

Parents, in cases where they react to a situation of oppression of their child at school, often make a number of other fatal mistakes. “For example, you shouldn’t talk to the teacher in front of the class, and you shouldn’t talk directly to bullies,” says the psychologist.

Consequences of childhood bullying

There are three parties involved in bullying: the aggressor, the victim and witnesses. And for each of them there are consequences. Buller develops destructive personality traits and lacks the ability to build close, trusting relationships in the future.

Witnesses acquire a distorted idea of ​​the role of the individual in society; often throughout their lives they experience feelings of guilt and shame for showing weakness and not defending the victim.

The most severe psychological trauma is inflicted on the victim. Many people, being mature, remember with tears and fear the insults and humiliations suffered in childhood. In terms of the severity of its consequences for the psyche, school bullying is comparable to family violence. Thus, the effects of bullying are long-lasting.

The extreme reaction to bullying is suicide attempts, which are typical for the most susceptible children. The child sees no other way out of the traumatic situation, believing that death is the only way to get rid of suffering.

The physical consequences of bullying include frequent headaches, indigestion, sleep problems, and muscle tension.

All victims of bullies are characterized by low self-esteem throughout their lives and a predisposition to depression. The child grows up to be an anxious, neurotic person, and only qualified help from a psychologist can help in minimizing the consequences of school bullying.

Worse than others

Why is bullying dangerous? The worst thing that can happen to a teenager in such a situation is suicide.

“When faced with regular bullying, victims perceive the situation as hopeless, insurmountable, begin to perceive themselves as a burden to others, and hate themselves for their inability to cope with all this. As a result, death begins to seem to them the only way to get rid of despair. Various health problems often arise,” says Lyutykh. Low self-esteem, social isolation, increased anxiety, a feeling of helplessness - this is the legacy that awaits the victim of teenage attacks in adulthood.

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Victims perceive the situation as hopeless and hate themselves for their inability to cope

Photo: Global Look Press/blickwinkel/WG Allgoewer

However, bullying cripples not only the victim, but also those who have watched their classmate being bullied for many months, and sometimes even years.

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“Witnesses of bullying can transfer into their adult lives a feeling of helplessness in the face of aggression, as well as the role (defender, indifferent, accomplice of the aggressor) to which they were accustomed at school,” says Izvestia’s interlocutor.

Preventive methods

It is better to prevent any phenomenon than to eliminate its consequences, and bullying is no exception.

The main methods for preventing bullying at school are:

1. Creating a microclimate in the educational institution that excludes the possibility and desire of aggressive behavior. Ability to resolve conflicts, tolerant attitude towards all children.
2. Focus on family as a source of child upbringing. Study of parental behavior, social and psychological situation in the family. Correction of intra-family relationships.
3. Forming the stress resistance of a child’s personality by personal example, through extracurricular activities, giving examples of heroism, resilience in life and art.
4. Training in constructive communication skills and respect for the personality of another person.
5. Condemnation and suppression of any antisocial behavior of children.

It is worth responding sensitively to manifestations of hostility between individual children, cases of disrespect or insults. At the slightest suspicion of bullying, it is necessary to have a conversation with both the offender and the victim.

Ways out

The following have a positive effect on the prevention and suppression of bullying: the presence at school of a clear and understandable position of categorical rejection of bullying, imprinted in the rules, traditions, and consciousness; the ability of the school management and staff to recognize the presence of bullying (if it really exists) and immediately begin to stop it as a whole “team” with the involvement of stakeholders; understanding the real essence of bullying and the absence of “mythical ideas” about it.

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It is important for the victim's parents to establish contact with their child

Photo: Depositphotos/pressmaster

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The victim’s parents, in turn, need to establish contact with their child and clearly explain to him what he is faced with.

“In particular, psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova in her works says that it is important for adults to teach a minor to cope with anger, help increase self-confidence, raise self-esteem, encourage the development of the child’s strengths, teach him to behave confidently and defend his boundaries. Such work with a child will help him both cope with bullying and minimize its negative consequences,” recommends Lyutykh.

It is important to enter into a dialogue with the school management, calmly communicate with the class teacher, and mobilize the parent committee.

Psychologist's advice

If it happens that a child has become a victim of bullying from classmates, psychologists advise the following steps.

For children

• Try to understand that you are not to blame for this attitude on the part of the other child. Remember that they most often pester unusual, interesting people who are somehow different from others. If you are bullied, it means that you are an interesting person, better, not worse than others.
• Build your character. Don't react too emotionally to an insult. The aggressor will not wait for your tears or screams and will simply fall behind; he will not be interested in pursuing you.
• You should never withdraw into yourself and cover for the offender out of a sense of false solidarity. Be sure to share your problems with others. It is important! It's best if it's the parents. If for some reason you don’t want to talk to your parents about this topic, find a person you trust (older brother or sister, grandmother, parents of friends).

Remember

: asking for help is not weakness, but the decision of a mature person in trouble.

FOR TEACHERS

Tips for teaching staff are provided in the section “How to deal with bullying.” The main recommendation is to avoid serious consequences, do not bury your head in the sand and sound the alarm at the slightest suspicion of bullying.

What to do if your child is a bully?

Often children who are exposed to family violence or have experienced emotional stress in the past become bullies. The cause may be melancholy, loneliness, resentment. You need to talk in a confidential tone, try to find out, without accusing him of aggression.

There is an overestimated self-esteem in a child who is aware of his actions, he wants universal submission. It’s more difficult with such people; they usually take their behavior model from the TV screen, from the Internet. In their opinion, this will help them achieve everything in life. In any case, you need to talk to your child, even more than once.

You should pay attention to the child's surroundings. Perhaps bullying was caused by communication with older guys who show sarcasm and incite aggressive actions.

An experienced family psychologist can provide an invaluable service, because often it is from the outside that all the problems are more visible. A specialist will quickly understand the causes of child aggression and help find a way out.

Bullying is a serious problem in modern schools. All participants in the educational process, first of all teachers, should try to prevent school bullying. Parents must be sensitive to their child in order to suspect something is wrong. In prosperous families, where warm and trusting relationships have been established between children and parents, it is less likely that a bully or his victim will grow up.