How to behave with your mother-in-law

According to statistics, rarely anyone is lucky with their mother-in-law. I want this woman to help, but not to impose, to respect your decisions and not to think that you are offending her son.

Tensions with the husband’s mother can be fueled both by the young wife, who feels a sense of ownership towards her man, and by the mother-in-law herself, who is used to being the only woman in her son’s life.

So how to behave if your mother-in-law is a real witch? How to tactfully leave her social circle without harming your family?

In this article:

5 reasons for dissatisfaction with your mother-in-law Mistakes in relationships with mother-in-law How not to communicate with your mother-in-law and not offend your husband

Son's family in the eyes of mother-in-law

Good relationships between two women rarely develop, and almost never sincerely. Much of the outward goodwill masks underlying discontent on both sides.

Negativity can come from a young wife. This can be explained by the fact that she experiences a sense of ownership towards her spouse and, accordingly, jealousy. But most often the cause of conflict situations is the inappropriate behavior of the mother-in-law.

An older woman who is used to being the only and most important woman in her son’s life, but then another one appears and all attention is now directed to her. My son began to devote less time, calls and visits less often. Therefore, it is quite natural that the mother will be jealous of her son for his wife.

There are other, simpler reasons why the husband’s mother displays aggressive behavior. Therefore, before you think about how to protect yourself from your mother-in-law, you need to understand why she is unhappy.

Influence of mother-in-law on husband

Sometimes it happens that mothers try to do everything for their sons, and it doesn’t matter that they are far from five years old. Even as adults, men are surrounded by overprotective mothers, which wives really don’t like.

Consider the following situation, one daughter-in-law shares her experience:

“The mother-in-law does everything for her husband. She decides what he should wear, organizes his wardrobe and buys his clothes. She helps him with all his questions, and even if I turn to my husband for help, she tries to do everything for him. As a result, he is always on her side, and in 2.5 years of marriage, my husband has never taken my side.”

From this story it becomes clear that the family is faced with two problems at once. The first is that the mother-in-law uses her son as a substitute. And secondly, he will always be on her side or will simply ignore the conflict.

Why is this happening? Many mothers-in-law may not even consciously use the replacement method on their sons due to the fact that they have lacked a man's shoulder all their lives. Someone had a bad relationship with their spouse, because you will never get help from him. And some women lost their husbands early, thereby transferring all their hopes and expectations to their sons. And in most cases, this strategy ends in success, because a son is much safer than a new spouse. He will never leave, he will not behave aggressively, he will meet her expectations. The worst thing is that often the character of your spouse is in one way or another connected with the character of his mother.

Having realized this, the spouse, as a rule, becomes very vulnerable, because she is hurt by:

Feeling of insecurity of your family due to an external threat - your mother-in-law.
Feeling of insecurity in relationship with husband.
Lack of support from a loved one (husband) and, accordingly, a feeling of insecurity towards oneself.

The last question is the most acute, because the feeling of insecurity arises precisely from the fact that between husband and wife there is no very connection that should be, because a man switches all his emotions to his mother, to the point that sometimes he speaks in her words. Sometimes it happens that men prefer food prepared only by their mother, because, in their opinion (or rather, according to their mother-in-law), no one else will cook it like that. The same goes for shirts that your mother bought or ironed. It is not surprising that the wife will begin to ask a completely logical question - what place do I occupy in his heart?

This leads to a feeling of insecurity on all three levels.

Mother-in-law destroys the family

Often, at an appointment with a psychologist, women ask: “What should we do if she lives with us? My mother-in-law is interfering in our family!” Experts advise to understand that if a couple has mutual understanding, love, trust and support, then no one can destroy their union.

The question of how to get rid of the mother-in-law will not arise if the head of the family understands that no matter how much he loves and is grateful to his mother, first of all he must protect his own family. The spouse can be wise and smooth out rough edges. The husband's mother should be perceived as one of the obstacles to family happiness.

Superiority and criticism of mother-in-law

Consider another situation in which the mother-in-law does not influence her son, but constantly reproaches or criticizes you.

“Six months ago, my husband and I renovated, but I chose the wallpaper. So, throughout the whole time she comes and constantly criticizes my choice, saying that the wallpaper is bad and needs to be re-pasted.”

It would seem that you can close your eyes to this, because the main thing is that they are poisoning you, especially since she cannot live with you.

But no matter how simple this situation may be, it raises a number of difficulties:

Attacks from your mother-in-law hurt if they fall into your zone of insecurity.
They get hurt if you don't receive recognition or support.
Unjustified expectations, because you think that your mother-in-law will approve of your choice and behave like a well-mannered person. But her reaction may be completely different, and she will take the position of an outsider.
If you take the position of a child, then you wait for approval from your mother-in-law, giving her the status of “parent”. But unfortunately, your parents can not only approve of your choice, but also criticize it, always scold and reproach you. If this happens, then resentment builds up, and because of this you become vulnerable, and her words towards you hurt.

To avoid this, it is necessary to build relationships as an “adult-adult” so as not to take her words to heart. But this is quite difficult to do if you did not receive recognition and support from your parents when you needed it. That is why you want to find it in another person, for example, your mother-in-law. And if you don’t receive it, you get offended.

Remember that advice and interventions from your mother-in-law hurt when they hit the target, touching a sore point - your lack of self-confidence. As soon as you understand that you are a good wife, mother, housewife and, in principle, a successful woman, her reproaches will no longer bother you.

In addition to criticism, mothers-in-law like to interfere in the lives of their sons. and indicate what is best and what to do.

Mother-in-law is a manipulator: how to deal with it

As a rule, manipulators instill a feeling of guilt in their victims and easily pull strings. In this case, you cannot follow the lead! Even if she makes scandals, you cannot give up your plans to please her desires.

If she tries to influence through her son, he should be shown the true motives of his beloved mother and taught him to resist manipulation. The best tactic in dealing with a manipulator is mirroring. She is only interested in her own desires, and the desires of others do not matter. You need to do the same with such a person.

How to communicate with your mother-in-law: advice from a psychologist

When communicating with the mother of your beloved man, family analysts advise following simple rules:

don't lose your composure . Be calm, self-possessed and friendly;
if you hate each other, stop all contact . Such relationships cannot be corrected;
do not react to offensive statements . It is better to pay attention to your husband and child;
if she sticks her nose in everywhere and makes comments in front of strangers, answer her in kind. Or don't pay attention to her at all;
in case you live under the same roof, do not hope that she will not interfere. The best solution would be to move to separate housing, thus limiting your family from communicating with her.

Irritation and dissatisfaction

Consider the following situation:

“The mother-in-law has built her relationship with her husband and son in such a way that everyone blows away specks of dust from her, and she, in turn, only shows dissatisfaction. In the eight years that I have known her, I have never seen her happy and smiling.”

What to do? Oddly enough, you should accept your husband, and therefore your mother-in-law, because you yourself chose her. She is the one who gave birth and raised your spouse, her character is part of him. If you do not accept her, then you are telling everyone that they have nothing in common, even though her husband is an extension of her.

It is important to accept your mother-in-law, because if you do not do this, you will not be able to accept the feminine principle in your man or some of his “shadow” character traits. Don't forget about compromise.

How to get your mother-in-law out of the house

If she feels negative emotions towards you and no ways to improve the relationship work, try the following:

The uninvited and unexpected arrival of your mother-in-law should not affect your plans. Let your husband meet her himself, and you, as planned, go to the beauty salon.
If she thinks she is full of strength, destroy her illusions. From time to time, ask how she is feeling and tell her that she doesn't look well. Yes, a cruel, but effective way.
If she claims that it is necessary to feed her son deliciously and a lot, prepare something dietary and say that you care about the health of your spouse, who suffers from gastrointestinal problems.
If she starts running your kitchen without asking, remove the food and tell her to give up the idea of bothering herself with cooking.
If you know what day she will arrive, start a renovation that won't be completed until she arrives. Tell your husband that you want to prepare an apartment for his mother.
While she is visiting you, suffer from insomnia, the salvation from which will be a song, preferably performed under the door to the mother-in-law's bedroom. This will keep her away from home for a while.
Don't see me off. Make excuses for feeling unwell. Let only your husband take your mother to the station.

And remember, when starting a war with your mother-in-law, you must be the most affectionate and gentle with your beloved. Tell him how much you love him, take the initiative in bed. Then your loved one will take your side.

A cage built with your own hands

There is always another solution. It is enough to simply look at the situation without emotions, guided solely by the facts. And they are as follows: you regularly communicate with an unpleasant elderly woman. She gets on your nerves, lowers your self-esteem and makes you feel like a hanger-on.

Attention, important question. Why do you tolerate this?

Who imposed this duty, this duty on you? Who forces you at gunpoint to spend family holidays with people you don't like?

This strange, unkind woman is not your mother or at least a blood relative. She's basically no one to you. If she is an unpleasant person to talk to, don’t communicate. You have such a right and such an opportunity.

It turns out that patience is your choice. Your decision, which can be changed at any time. And only you yourself keep yourself from those boring feasts. Holding back with fears:

- How will it look like? What will my in-laws think of me?

- What if my husband gets offended? Will he decide that I don't love him enough?

- And what about the children? They should see grandma!

We will return to fears later. Now just realize that you have another solution!

Once upon a time, I read a wonderful metaphor that illustrates the standard reaction of women to advice not to associate with unpleasant toxic people:

- Doctor, I drink denatured alcohol in the morning, and something feels bad. Help!

- So don’t drink denatured alcohol.

- Well, of course, my relatives won’t understand... Still, they expect me to...

- I don’t know how to make you feel good if you choose to drink denatured alcohol.

- No, just tell me! You're a doctor!

- Don't drink denatured alcohol!

If you are a modern urban person who does not financially depend on the help of relatives, you are not obliged to waste time of your life communicating with unpleasant people. Moreover, your mother-in-law is not eager to sign you up as her girlfriend.

What should you not do in your relationship with your mother-in-law?

Compete - 1

There is no need to share your husband with his mother. He's not a toy. He is an adult who chose you as his wife. And he has known his mother from the very first days of his life, and for her there is a special place in his heart. Don't waste time and energy trying to prove which of you is more important. There is no need to compete with her, since you will not be able to replace his mother, and she will never take your place.

Letting you go beyond your personal boundaries - 2

Your and your husband’s personal space should not be accessible to anyone. For a mother who was never able to let her son go, it is difficult to understand that they might not be happy with her coming if she showed up for a visit without warning. Therefore, at first you may encounter a woman’s sincere misunderstanding of why her opinion was not taken into account. In this case, it is necessary to build personal boundaries for your family.

Develop family rules under her pressure - 3

After the Mendelssohn march plays, the family begins to develop its own rules, a special microclimate is created, and the daughter-in-law must not allow her husband’s mother to interfere in this process. Only spouses need to make serious decisions, plan the family budget and plan their daily life. Of course, at first the mother-in-law will give out her advice left and right, but it is better to listen silently and act in your own way.

Wait for your mother-in-law to take your side - 4

The lover’s assurances that he has a worldly mother who is easy to get along with should not be misleading. The fewer expectations placed on the mother-in-law, the fewer disappointments there will be in the future. It is also worth understanding that she also has certain expectations about you. Perhaps she would like her daughter-in-law to cook pancakes for breakfast, go shopping with her, or do wet cleaning every day.

Blaming your mother-in-law for not liking you - 5

She is an ordinary person with her flaws. And her image of an ideal wife may be completely different. At the same time, you might want your mother-in-law to be wiser, more intelligent, so that she can give good advice and sit with her grandchildren. Accept your mother-in-law for who she is, saying goodbye to your imaginary ideas.

Resolve conflicts independently - 6

Remember that your spouse’s mother, who loves quarrels and scandals, is primarily his problem. And he should not put it on his wife’s shoulders. Do not let your husband step aside in situations that are important to the family. He should not remain a favorite son, while you, defending the rights of your family, look like a vixen. He is a grown man who must be responsible for his family.

Turn your mother-in-law into a monster - 7

Despite all expectations, it is necessary to learn to build communication. Don't be so quick to say that you can't get along with this woman. Try to find a place in your heart for gratitude, find positive qualities in it. You should not focus on its bad sides, because this will not make it any easier.

Hiding behind your spouse - 8

If some kind of conflict has occurred with your mother-in-law, there is no need to turn your husband into a peacemaker , but resolve it yourself. There is no need to drag your husband into this and let his mother do it. There is no need to play a game of who will complain the most. In such a situation, a man can distance himself from both women.

You and her

In our everyday life, the topic of conflicts between son-in-law and mother-in-law, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is heard constantly. How many anecdotes, sayings, and sayings exist about this! Often behind the question “Are you married?” The question follows: “What about your mother-in-law?” There is a stereotype that this area of relationships is potentially (and more often, actually) conflicting. So why is this happening?

The first (and main) condition is the psychological mechanisms that guide the mother-in-law’s behavior. The second is the tension that the daughter-in-law experiences in advance, not expecting anything good from her husband’s mother (she heard from her friends how this happens).

What directs the mother-in-law’s behavior into the sphere of confrontation with her daughter-in-law?

Fear that her son’s love for her will become less, that now she will become unnecessary and will be “forgotten.” Before your marriage, she was the only main woman in her son’s life, but after the wedding, she understands that the “main” female place can be taken.
The position of defeated power. One way or another, the mother greatly influenced her son’s behavior (or believed that she did). Now, when her son comes into the “possession” of her daughter-in-law, this is perceived very painfully.
Increased emotionality. A woman lives more with her heart and emotions, so it is difficult for her mother-in-law to accept that part of her “most precious thing” was “taken away” from her.
For a woman, due to her biological, historical, social role, the family always represents the greatest meaning and significance. Therefore, any changes or “losses” in the family are extremely sensitive for a woman.

All these moments are consciously or unconsciously present in any mother-in-law. But we all know examples where the relationship with the daughter-in-law is, if not ideal, then quite good. Favorable relationships are more likely where the mother-in-law takes her son’s separation (even psychological, not territorial) for granted, where it is possible for a young family to live separately, and they also depend on the character of the mother-in-law herself (emotional stability, tactfulness, optimism and other qualities ).

But don’t forget about another important person - your daughter-in-law. The second condition for an unfulfilling relationship is precisely her position. Young women are frightened in advance by stories about “terrible” mothers-in-law, and therefore simply expect something similar in their family, even if the mother-in-law does not do anything “terrible”, the daughter-in-law is suspicious of any of her actions. Any neutral phrase can be perceived as an insult, an innocent question as a hint. And now the daughter-in-law meticulously examines the views and actions of her mother-in-law, finding “compromising evidence” in them. And the husband’s mother, initially inclined to have an even, if not trusting, attitude towards her daughter-in-law, begins to defend herself. And the best defense is attack. And so again the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law come to the situation of “found a scythe on a stone.”

When a child appears in a young family, this becomes a new “bone of contention” for the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. Even in those families where there is an even relationship, tension can arise with the birth of a child. Young mothers complain about numerous unnecessary advice on caring for the baby that their mother-in-law gives, about the fact that she wants to devote too little (too much) time to the child, about the fact that she cannot influence her son in the “right” direction, about gifts that the mother-in-law gives to the baby. Jealousy, reluctance to place the child in the arms of the mother-in-law, and preference for one’s own mother as the “main” grandmother often manifest themselves. If the relationship was already not very good, then the daughter-in-law may have a desire to completely exclude the mother-in-law from the baby’s life. Of course, this situation is bad for the young woman, and for her husband, and for his mother, and for the child himself. Therefore, it is necessary to improve relations with your mother-in-law. This is the very situation when a bad peace is better than a good quarrel.

So what should you do to reduce tension and improve relationships?

Situation one: “Mother-in-law and her advice.”

Masha gave birth to Sonechka six months ago. Masha remembers the first month of her daughter’s life with a shudder. My mother-in-law was sent from another city to help the young mother. Agreeing to this, Masha did not imagine the extent of the disaster: their communication with her mother-in-law had previously been rare and completely civilized. Masha hoped that Faina Anatolyevna would be able to sometimes walk with her granddaughter, help prepare food for the whole family, and sometimes clean up the place. Indeed, my mother-in-law helped with all this. But this was accompanied by an avalanche of “well-meaning” advice. “Why, baby, don’t you separate the sheets from the pillowcases and put them in one pile?” “Why are you putting the baby in a onesie? She’s bothering herself with her hands, it’s better to swaddle her!” “When will you start giving apple juice?” “Feed for up to six months, and then switch to formula, the milk is no longer healthy.” From morning to evening, Masha listened to endless advice. Perhaps she was still a novice mother, but she consulted with doctors, read books and magazines, and asked for advice from “experienced” mothers. She had developed her own concept, and many of her mother-in-law’s advice seemed outdated. And Masha sighed with relief, left without her “help”...

Indeed, many young women complain that their mothers-in-law give a lot of advice. And the number of these tips increases like an avalanche with the advent of a baby. Grandmothers (both mother-in-law and, indeed, their own mother) believe that the new mother “knows nothing” and she simply needs their rich experience. And there is no irony in the word “rich”: they have indeed already gone through this path of motherhood (and some more than once), and from their height they see many things a little differently.

Daughters-in-law tend to consider many tips outdated, because the mother-in-law herself was a young mother 20-30 years ago, and during this time the principles of child care and parenting strategies have changed. Feeding “by the hour”, limiting frequent carrying, early complementary feeding are almost a thing of the past, but in the minds of older women these principles are alive. As a rule, grandmothers rarely pick up magazines for young parents, as well as popular pediatric and psychological literature on child development. Daughters-in-law, on the contrary, are actively interested in these issues, which creates an obvious dissonance between the opinions of grandmothers and young mothers.

Is it possible to protect yourself from intrusive advice? There are several basic strategies for this.

Active resistance - “don’t tell me what I need to do, and I won’t answer you rudely.” Of course, active resistance, which often borders on rudeness, is not the most winning strategy. Perhaps your mother-in-law will stop giving you advice, but the relationship will be damaged. Without the opportunity to speak openly, the mother-in-law may begin to express complaints against you to your husband, and this is a difficult situation for both the “transmitter” and the “addressee”.
Ignoring - “it went into one ear...”. This, in fact, is the devaluation of the mother-in-law’s advice either immediately after they are received or over time. It’s good if the daughter-in-law manages to “save face” by nodding and saying “thank you” for the advice, internally understanding that she will not carry it out. This strategy is slightly better than the previous one, but it also has disadvantages. It is difficult to use if you live with your mother-in-law. Failure to use “valuable recommendations” will immediately become obvious and can give rise to misunderstanding (“Didn’t you say “thank you” for the advice?!”). Also, complete ignorance will not allow you to isolate from the entire mass of advice the “golden grain” that they certainly contain.
Diplomatic relations. Using this strategy, you learn to listen to what your mother-in-law is actually saying, and also enter into dialogue. Undoubtedly, not all mothers-in-law are ready for this, especially those who have authoritarian traits. But it's still worth trying. At least you will be sure that you did everything you could on your part. Your task is not only to listen, but also to hear what she says. If some advice seems completely outdated and unacceptable to you, don’t say it. It is better to firmly say that your pediatrician or psychologist has given different recommendations, and you are going to adhere to them. You can also tell what these recommendations are so that your mother-in-law can feel that you consider her an equal partner since you are bringing her up to date. And this is a cooperation strategy.

It is not possible that all advice without exception is inappropriate or outdated. Many of them are quite suitable for today. There are many quite wise grandmothers who, without studying modern approaches, do everything correctly intuitively. And even in the mass of outdated advice, you can always find a rational grain. It’s good if you can consider this, putting aside the prejudices about “mother-in-law’s advice.”

Situation two: “Mother-in-law and her principles of education.”

Lada adhered to strict principles regarding the nutrition of her daughter, 4-year-old Katyusha.
The girl was supposed to eat only in the kitchen, and not in the rooms near the TV and toys. Lada did not allow any songs, dances, or persuasion: if Katyusha wanted to eat, then she ate everything anyway, and if she didn’t want to, she could leave the table. Healthy snacks were allowed. But also - only at the dinner table. In the summer, the kindergarten was not open, and therefore Lada’s mother-in-law offered to look after the girl. Lada agreed, warning that there are certain rules regarding nutrition that should be followed. The mother-in-law agreed. But one day Lada had to return home for the forgotten keys, and imagine her surprise when she found her daughter in a chair in front of the TV with cartoons on and her grandmother spoon-feeding her! Lada’s indignation knew no bounds, although she restrained herself and did not express it right away, protecting her grandmother’s authority. This situation leads in conflicts between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. The grandmother does not listen to how the mother raises the baby, what principles she follows in nutrition, daily routine, and even in the games that need to be played with the child! Some of the daughters-in-law's demands are quite legal, because... often associated with following doctor's orders, for example, in the case of certain diseases. How not to get angry if a grandmother gives a child suffering from allergies a strictly prohibited lollipop, which will make him itch for several days? Or again, once again, ignoring requests, she fed fatty pancakes to a child with chronic pancreatitis?

Show special persistence only in matters of principle.

However, principles of communication with a child that are alien to a young mother also become a “bone of discord” and are equated to “psychological trauma.” The mother is used to telling the truth and expects the same from the child, and the grandmother “takes the blame,” saying with a laugh and a wink that she painted the wallpaper. Or the mother prefers not to “babble” with the baby, even if he falls, and the grandmother will “sorry” for any scratch. My mother would like my grandmother to play some educational games, and my mother-in-law loves games like “the horned goat is coming.” The conflict is gaining momentum.

This is how the heroine of our story, Lada, described her feelings: “I am a mother, and if she sometimes agrees to sit with my child, she must behave with him the way I discuss it with her. If she’s not ready, then don’t. A child should not have two upbringings, he should not have something that is not allowed with his mother, but something that is allowed with his grandmother and vice versa. I talk through all the questions, and if I take her by surprise for violating things that are fundamental to me, I have only one desire - to never leave her with the child again.” Almost all daughters-in-law experience similar feelings. Is there a way out?

Make sure you really discuss with her certain principles in parenting and care. Sometimes you can hear: “But my husband told her that we visited an allergist and Petya was forbidden to eat eggs. So why did she give him kurabye?” The mother-in-law simply might not have realized that the product contained something forbidden. She might even have forgotten this information or really not given it much importance. You didn't talk to her about it in person, that's what's important. And when it comes to the fact that the grandmother is obliged to follow a certain strategy of a certain developmental system, then it is completely difficult to find understanding. First of all, she doesn't know the system the way you do. Secondly, during her life she heard about a lot of different systems, many of which did not take root and were considered not at all useful. Thirdly, she has her own views on all this. And it is imperative to discuss everything, removing the commanding and directive tone. Talk to your mother-in-law as you would talk to an interested friend, listen to objections.
Show special persistence only in matters of principle, especially if the actions of the mother-in-law pose a real threat to the physical or psychological health of the child. Psychological harm can be caused if the mother-in-law is harsh with the baby, can “reward” him with an offensive epithet, communicates with him dismissively, often raises her voice, and experiences severe irritation when communicating with him. There should be very few such fundamental points, then, most likely, you will be able to agree. Otherwise, you’ll end up in a situation where you’re the one throwing down a barrage of advice. Think about how you yourself would feel about this.
Remember that she is a grandmother, a very important person in the baby’s life
. Many mothers say: I am the main thing in the child’s life, and therefore everyone should do as I see fit.” In other cases, the “offenders” are punished by restricting communication with the child. This manipulative position, like any manipulation, brings discord into relationships. Yes, mom is definitely a key figure. It is through communication with the mother that the child’s emotional sphere develops. But dad and grandparents are also very important people. And therefore, try not to concentrate on the little things, even if you don’t like something too much. The main indicator is whether the child enjoys communication, whether he looks forward to it, and whether he makes contact with joy. And if so, then encourage this communication.

Situation three: “Mother-in-law and her visits.”

Lyudmila, Sergei and 5-year-old Kira live in their own apartment. Of course, this makes life much easier, but visits from her mother-in-law become a test for Lyuda. “I would like my mother-in-law to behave the same way as at the very beginning of our acquaintance,” says Luda. “Then I was like a stranger to her, in the sense of an outsider. She could come to visit such a person ONLY when she was invited (and not declare that she would come), she could give advice ONLY if she was asked (and not whenever she wanted), she could not criticize at all, only praise or be neutral. In my house, she behaved as if she were a guest, and not like she was at home - that is, she never took charge, did not rearrange things the way she liked, did not bring her things there and did not store them there, did not tell me how to wash the floor, and like dishes, she did not express dissatisfaction with the “mess” in children’s toys.”

Try to arrange for your mother-in-law to notify you or your husband about visits in advance.

Often daughters-in-law are dissatisfied with their mother-in-law's visits to their home. One of the important points is the time when the mother-in-law arrives, or in other words, the “surprise effect” of her arrival. It is clear that the house is not always in perfect order; dishes are sometimes waiting in the sink, and dust is on the shelves. Often both spouses work, leaving very little time for housework. As they say, you are so tired “that you barely have enough strength to watch TV.” A bored child, returning from kindergarten, also requires communication with his parents. Spouses living separately from their parents perceive their visit as a visit from guests (especially the daughter-in-law), and it is customary to prepare for a guest’s visit. The daughter-in-law assumes that the “second mother’s” view is critical, and not at all benevolently justifying. And he really is like that, because... daughters-in-law often receive a portion of moralizing or pursed lips. Some mothers-in-law immediately rush for a rag and start cleaning as if they are disgusted to stand on this floor until they wipe it with their own hands. Of course, this is humiliating for the daughter-in-law, so can it be considered strange that she does not like unexpected visits? Let's think about how to solve this problem.

Recognize her right to visit you. Most likely, she still comes to visit not to count specks of dust, but to communicate with her son and grandchildren. And she must have this opportunity.
Use humor to help. He will help you gently hint that your mother-in-law's visit is unexpected for you. If she has a sense of humor, then you can joke, for example, about the unexpected landing of mothers-in-law in your neighborhood. If you don’t have it, joke to yourself, this also helps maintain a good mood.
Try to arrange for her to notify you or your husband of visits in advance. You don’t have to demand this directly, but talk about what a wonderful pie recipe you were given at work, and you would like to prepare it for your mother-in-law, but you need to know when she comes. In general, subtle diplomacy, which suggests the need to warn about the visit, is very useful here.
If the visit was unexpected and not very pleasant, do not concentrate on the negative. Don't make excuses by explaining why something is wrong with you. Everyone has the right to live and organize their life as they see fit. Gently stop any attempts to clean up or rearrange things by taking your mother-in-law out to drink tea.

Situation four: “mother-in-law and her gifts”

What kind of gifts do some mothers-in-law give! Daughters-in-law, some with laughter and some with indignation, talk about...

...a Chinese train that crumbles in your hands and was given to a six-month-old baby;

...a started bottle of shampoo;

...a set of floor rags in a gift box;

...a cream for aging skin, given to my 23-year-old daughter-in-law;

...an absurdly huge Mickey Mouse that took up the entire sofa and scared a 3-year-old child;

...a set of chocolate eggs for a child with allergies.

The list goes on and on, and if young women are ready to give up on an unsuccessful gift for themselves (or the absence of one at all), then the attitude towards gifts for a child is completely different. It’s a shame when you can’t give a gift to a child, especially when he already understands that this is a gift and it was brought to him. We can talk about products that cause allergies, which are often “on duty” gifts: chocolates, chemical-colored candies, nuts.

But there is another aspect to this problem. It occurs when the mother is overly passionate about developmental techniques. Such mothers will definitely choose something “developing” from the entire mass of toys in the store: a logic constructor, insert frames, lacing, etc. But mother-in-law gifts in the form of doll dishes or a doll bath are criticized as “giving nothing.” In this case, you can speak out in defense of your mother-in-law (or other relatives). For the development of a child, especially after 3 years, toys are needed that can stimulate story-based play, where the baby can feel like a doctor, a cook, a carpenter, an astronaut, or a soldier. And for this you need the simplest items: dishes, sets for role-playing games, for example, as a doctor, tools that grandmothers often bring as gifts. Of course, it’s great when a child has well-developed fine motor skills and logical thinking, but this should go hand in hand with a well-developed imagination and playful fantasy.

If there is dissatisfaction with gifts, then...

Try to be more tolerant. After all, a gift is not something obligatory. You will buy the necessary thing yourself. But you still need to remember that the grandmother may have carefully chosen her gift and dreamed about how happy the baby would be. Therefore, even if the gift was not very successful from your point of view, be more tolerant.
If a gift is dangerous or unhealthy, try not to show it to your child. You can tactfully but confidently say that, for example, chocolate is contraindicated for your child and therefore you cannot give it to your child. Of course, this may cause offense, but it may also make you think, especially if you give reasons.
Remember that not all gifts have to be “developmental”. Perhaps you constantly tell your mother-in-law that these are the kinds of gifts that should be given, but she has a different opinion. The baby needs different toys.
Try to negotiate a “money gift.” Or, for example, invite your mother-in-law to go to the toy store together and help her make a choice. You can also choose a toy yourself for the allocated amount and give it to your mother-in-law so that she herself can give it to the child.

Conflict with mother-in-law: advice from a psychologist

Conflicts with the spouse’s parent can arise for a number of reasons:

Typically, problems are associated with loss of control. If the mother of her lover is selfish and considers her son to be her continuation, then conflict with her daughter-in-law cannot be avoided;
if the newlyweds and the mother-in-law live in the same living space, then the young wife becomes a competitor with her own ideas about running a household, raising children and pleasing her loved one;
the wife is critical of any advice from her husband’s mother;
the daughter-in-law manipulates her husband and turns him against his mother;
the son's chosen one spreads gossip behind her back;
tells children that their grandmother is a bad person;
fundamentally refuses help from the parents of the faithful.

There are other subjective reasons. Almost all of the above reasons that provoke the mother-in-law’s anger and irritation towards her son’s significant other relate to the objective aspects of hatred. In simple terms, his beloved deliberately intensifies the situation in the relationship with her mother-in-law in order to deprive her of points of influence on her beloved. But psychologists say relationship problems can be caused by more than just behavioral factors, such as manipulation and gossip.

What should a daughter-in-law do?

If your family and loved one are important to you, then first of all you need to deal with the current situation. But the first step of this struggle, oddly enough, is losing. You have to mentally lose this battle.

This is because if you begin to wage an aggressive fight, quarrel with your mother-in-law and spouse, then by your actions you let her know that you want to become the only woman for her son and take her place in his heart, forgetting that she is his mother, and you are a beloved woman. If you start competing for attention and love with your mother-in-law, you will very soon get tired of it, but in addition, you will completely ruin your relationship not only with her, but also with your spouse.

First of all, understand that you have already come to this system and you will have to take your place in it. She is his mother, and you have a different role. You should not replace his mother in this position and influence your spouse instead of her, but on the contrary, do all this by taking your position. You have your own levers of pressure, for example sexual or intimate. And remember that even if your spouse cannot refuse his mother, then there are tons of suppressed aggression in their relationship, because an adult man cannot enjoy submitting to his adult mother.

Your task as a wife and beloved woman is to influence your husband, but not to force him to obey you. But it all depends on your relationship with him, and how much you love each other. A sense of security is developed only along with growing security, which arises through external and internal protection.

External protection is boundaries, habits, rules and a certain scenario. Internal is the confidence that you mean a lot to your loved one. If this is not the case, then there can be no talk of any external boundaries at the initial stage. They are built only with full confidence of significance. Of course, not every mother-in-law can build a good relationship, but boundaries can be built with absolutely everyone.

Read more: 8 secrets of a lasting marriage

Clinical psychologist Veronika Stepanova talks about the tactics of behavior between a daughter-in-law and her mother-in-law so that the relationship does not develop into a conflict.

6 mistakes in relationships with mother-in-law

To avoid conflict situations with your partner’s parent, try not to make the following mistakes:

Turning your spouse against your mother. This is a deliberately losing line of behavior. Even if the husband has a bad relationship with his mother, the son’s affection remains. It is unlikely that he will completely go over to the chosen one’s side. Most likely, she will adhere to neutrality and will not help her beloved to conduct a confrontation with her own mother.
Complain about your spouse. If you complain about your life partner to his mother, this will show that she raised a dishonest person. And this will ruin the relationship even more.
Turning children against grandmother. Even if this woman seems unbearable to you in every way, you cannot speak badly about her. Children should not be affected by the attitudes of adults.
Respond to aggression with aggression. This behavior can only make the situation worse. It is better to restrain anger and the desire to achieve justice at any cost.
Wait for a miracle. It is foolish to believe that you can appease your spouse’s mother with persuasion and gifts. It is unlikely that she will realize everything and change her behavior.
Demonize the mother-in-law. Yes, the husband’s mother may seem like a real fiend, however, each person has certain advantages. Try to see the advantages and turn them to your advantage.

Inner loneliness and uncertainty

The following situations can often occur in families:

“I take care of raising two children, everyday life, maintaining order in the house, but I constantly receive comments from my mother-in-law: the house is dirty, the dishes haven’t been washed, you’re not raising your children the right way, and you’re not educated yourself...”

“The mother-in-law does everything for her husband, and without her he cannot make any decisions and always waits for her approval and advice...”

These two situations create feelings of insecurity and loneliness because you cannot protect yourself. Those. you do not have the internal resource to resist your domineering mother-in-law.

How to behave with your mother-in-law: advice from a psychologist

To build bridges with the mother of your loved one, you need to follow simple tips:

Try to understand - 1

Psychologists advise making an effort and trying to understand your mother-in-law, even if it is very difficult. Then you can find out the cause of the conflict and develop an effective strategy to resolve it. Try to figure out what is the root of the hostility, look at the situation through the eyes of your husband’s mother. Maybe she is afraid of loneliness in old age, which will be unnecessary. In addition, there may be a fear in her soul that her daughter-in-law will not make her son happy.

Really assess the situation - 2

If the mother-in-law believes that their parents should be involved in raising children, then there is no need to be offended by her. You cannot change the opinion of a mature adult. So work with what you have.

Learn to take criticism calmly - 3

In fact, it is not as difficult as it might seem at first glance. Just try to imagine that all the criticism directed at you is a simple stream of water that will not cause any harm. To get along with your mother-in-law or at least avoid confrontation, show patience and wisdom, and look for compromises.

How to improve the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law

There are many cases in history that destroy the stereotype of negative relations between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. A striking example was the relationship between Jessica Alba and her mother-in-law Sue Narramore. Women meet at family celebrations and visit each other. What should a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law do to avoid conflicts and improve relationships?

Recommendations for daughter-in-law

Minor mistakes in conversations, careless remarks, or a sharp response to a proposal can cause a serious conflict and put an end to attempts to find a common language with the mother-in-law. Here is what experienced psychologists advise a daughter-in-law to improve communication with her husband’s mother:

Master of Psychology, art therapist Irina Maslova-Semenova recommends that daughters-in-law call their mother-in-law mom, as this is considered a sign of respect.

An expert in the field of relationships, writer Julia Lanske says that a daughter-in-law needs to constantly work on relationships: help her mother-in-law, help improve relations between her son, his mother and other relatives.

Psychologist and writer Alla Kasatkina advises her daughter-in-law in moments of psychological stress not to allow a showdown. Stay calm and smile back.

Practicing psychologist Veronika Stepanova explains that the daughter-in-law needs to come out of the shadows and strengthen her own ego. When a woman develops self-esteem, not only her mother-in-law, but also everyone around her will begin to treat her with respect.

Popular psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky suggests that when a daughter-in-law doesn’t like her mother-in-law’s behavior, she should talk to her one-on-one and not involve her husband in the conflict. Establishing communication with her husband’s mother is her task.
Psychologist, Candidate of Psychological Sciences Nadezhda Mayer explains that people strive to meet the expectations of those around them. Therefore, the daughter-in-law should not look for flaws and focus on irritating factors. It will be more constructive to see the mother-in-law as an assistant, adviser and a woman with experience.

Relationship with daughter-in-law: what not to talk about

If you want to become a second mother for your son’s chosen one, then you need to properly build interpersonal communication relationships. Only a constructive conversation will help form adequate relationships. Therefore, psychologists have established a number of forbidden topics that are best not discussed with your daughter-in-law:

Don't talk about appearance - 1

No representative of the fair sex will like it if her appearance is discussed. Recommendations for self-care can be understood as attempts to humiliate her in front of her lover. Therefore, there is no need to tell your son’s wife about her makeup or hair color.

Don't discuss your daughter-in-law's cooking skills - 2

Of course, every mother wants her son to eat tasty food. But there is no need to make a tragedy out of the fact that his wife has not yet learned how to cook some dishes or does not know the gastronomic preferences of her husband. Your task is to unobtrusively help your daughter-in-law, share recipes, but so that she does not feel inferior.

Don't get involved in raising children - 3

Raising the younger generation is a difficult task. Remember how you reacted when someone came to you with unnecessary advice regarding raising your son. Anger and irritation are quite common reactions of a young mother when she is told how to care for and raise a child. If you see that your daughter-in-law is negative when you give her recommendations, leave it.

Don’t remember your son’s former passions - 4

One of the most effective ways to ruin your relationship with your daughter-in-law is to remember your son’s ex-girlfriends as often as possible and compare them with her. It is likely that you liked your past girlfriends more, but why talk about it and spoil the relationship. A loving mother will prioritize her child's happiness rather than her own hopes and dreams.

Types of mothers-in-law

Many newly-made wives say this: “my mother-in-law and I lived amicably and happily until we met,” and there is a simple explanation for this. The fact is that, according to statistics, the largest number of quarrels in the family occur over the mother-in-law, although one should not minimize the guilt of the daughter-in-law. Mother-in-law and mother-in-law are different, which means you need to figure out what they are like and how to please a certain type of mother-in-law...

Owner

The mother-in-law, who belongs to the category of owner, never recognizes her son’s wife as her daughter. No matter what girl her boy chooses, she will still not be worthy of becoming his wife. Her son is perfect, and therefore deserves the right woman. Needless to say that such a woman does not exist in nature? Of course, according to the mother-in-law.

If the daughter-in-law is calm and flexible, then she is a “rag” who has her own opinion and is a “scandal.” In this case, there is no middle ground.

The owner always knows what is best for her son, so any attempts to change anything are nipped in the bud.

The newly-made wife will not be able to make friends with the owner; the mother-in-law will always perceive her as a competitor who must be defeated by any means. In this case, the son either continues to safely remain under the thumb of his mother, or becomes old enough to make his own decisions.

Forever young

You can put up with mothers-in-law who belong to this category. This woman loves herself beyond measure, she takes care of herself, dresses beautifully and stylishly and does not allow her grandchildren to call her grandmother. A self-sufficient woman simply has no time to take care of family affairs, and quarrels are not at all part of her plans. The forever young mother-in-law is glad that her children have finally grown up. She takes great pleasure in her personal life, without going into the details of the family life of her children. Such a mother-in-law knowledgeably tells her daughter-in-law about fashion trends and demonstrates new outfits.

The only thing that can throw her off balance is her daughter-in-law, who will be better than her in every sense.

A man raised by a confident woman is an excellent husband, respecting the fair sex and helping them in every possible way. Friendship with such a mother-in-law is not a problem, the main thing is to give her a lot of compliments and not touch on the topic of age.

Read more: How to put your mother-in-law in her place?

Traditionalist

This is a difficult case that requires a special approach.
Such a woman sees everything in gray and sometimes in black. She is sure that family life is impossible without quarrels and mutual claims, so she will always look for a catch in her son’s relationship. This mother-in-law is a victim of her own stereotypes and judgments that she cannot change. They say that after communicating with some people, an unpleasant aftertaste remains in your soul. One can only feel sorry for the daughter-in-law, because now she will often have bad feelings and depression after meeting her “mother.” But, if you find an approach to this woman, you can brighten up her life a little, and therefore yours. Such a mother-in-law should be given holiday packages more often; she is, as a rule, undemanding and you won’t have to spend a lot of money. The daughter-in-law must understand that you have to pay for everything in this life, including temporary peace of mind. The traditionalist is pleased when her daughter-in-law turns to her for help; she will never refuse a request and will always spend time with her beloved grandchildren.

With such a mother-in-law, relationships will only be tolerable at a distance. You should definitely thank her for her concern, gradually instilling in her that her son is already old enough and can make his own decisions.

Passionate

The enthusiastic mother-in-law is completely absorbed in her work. She has no time to manage household chores and raise her grandchildren. If a daughter-in-law lives with such a mother-in-law under the same roof, she should prepare for the fact that all household chores will fall on her shoulders. The fact that the son's wife also works does not matter.

The big advantage of an enthusiastic mother-in-law is that she is not interested in the problems of her son and his wife. The main thing is that these very problems do not spoil the life of a business woman.

A nature that is passionate above all everyday problems, she lives in her own world and is not going to unnecessarily let other people into it, even if they are her children. It is not difficult to make friends with such a mother-in-law; it is enough to be sincerely interested in her favorite activity and support all her endeavors in every possible way. In general, an enthusiastic mother-in-law is quite an interesting person, but you will see her very rarely and will not leave your children with her.

Commander

This woman knows what will be best in a given situation, even if her opinion is not asked. She is always right and there is simply no point in proving otherwise. The commander is used to being the leader in her family, so she does not accept any objections. She is convinced that the head of the family is a woman and is sincerely surprised when this is not the case.

The daughter-in-law must be prepared for moralizing, orders and accusations. Only girls who were raised in similar conditions would put up with such an overbearing relative.

Daughters-in-law who are not accustomed to obeying orders will find it very difficult to adapt to new living conditions. One can only sympathize with them, because the commander is not going to compromise. The son's wife can minimize communication and see her mother-in-law only on holidays. If the daughter-in-law lives under the same roof with such a powerful woman, then she must learn to give in or prove that she is right by arguing.

mother hen

A mother-in-law is the best option.
The woman will take care not only of her son, but also of his wife. She will pamper you with delicious dishes, will always help in raising your grandchildren, and will give practical advice. Her overprotectiveness can infuriate independent individuals who are accustomed to living by their own rules and laws. Many people quickly get used to a good attitude, which in most cases leads to dependence on the hen. You will have to listen to advice regularly, and your spouse will never learn to make important decisions on his own. The annoying care will stop only when the mother-in-law understands that the daughter-in-law listens to all advice, devotes most of her time to her son and constantly controls the situation.

Psychologist Dmitry Karpachev will tell you about the types of mothers-in-law and what type of behavior is best to apply to them.

6 tips on how to be a good mother-in-law

First of all, it is necessary to understand that the son has grown up a long time ago and is an adult who has his own right to choose. So you need to come to terms with the fact that there will be another woman in the family. The following tips will help you fall in love with her and establish a trusting relationship:

Respect your daughter-in-law's personality

You may not like the behavior of your son's chosen one or her appearance, but this is not a reason to spoil your relationship with her. Keep your opinion to yourself and especially don’t voice it in front of strangers.

Be nice

Whatever happens, remain tactful and polite, even if she doesn't reciprocate. As a result, you will only receive gratitude for your patience and willingness to share everyday advice.

Don't overstep the boundaries

If you come to visit the home of a young family, give your daughter-in-law the opportunity to feel like the hostess. Don’t go through your closets, don’t organize cooking master classes, don’t rush to clean things up. Your child’s significant other will not like this and will be treated with hostility.

Let the young people be independent

Psychologists say that if the mother-in-law helps her son’s family financially, she will believe that the children owe their well-being only to her. In addition, they may get used to shifting problems onto other people's shoulders.

Keep neutral

At first, conflicts will arise between the newlyweds, and in them the son will try to win you over to his side. But you, as a wise woman, should remain neutral in family squabbles. If you defend your son, you will find an enemy in your daughter-in-law.

Don't make competitions

You can cook divine pilaf, wash off grass stains, or grow a rich harvest of cucumbers right on the balcony, but you don’t need to brag about your achievements, belittling your daughter-in-law’s efforts. Better to praise her cooking skills or the cleanliness of the house.

Mother-in-law's interference in family life

Consider this situation:

“My mother-in-law constantly interferes in my life with my husband. She can come wash the floors, even though I can do it myself. Or she might buy pillowcases for the sofa herself, arguing that it shouldn’t be completely gray.”

The situation is not pleasant, but if you think about it, it’s not the most critical. However, it also poses a number of difficulties.

A feeling of powerlessness, because no matter what you do or say, it’s all to no avail.
If setting boundaries is difficult, then deeper feelings and fears are included, for example, fear of rejection, alienation or objection. After all, after setting boundaries, the mother-in-law gets offended and stops coming. And this can lead to conflicts with her husband.
A one-time illusion. Many women say that they reprimand their mother-in-law, but nothing helps. The point is that once is not enough to set boundaries.

As a result, the question arises, how to set boundaries correctly?

The first thing you need to do is clearly define your boundaries. This doesn't mean you have to have a two-hour conversation and justify your decision. It is enough that you are used to it this way and not otherwise.

Second, you must accept her reaction, even if you don't like it. After all, most likely it will be so.

The mother-in-law may have several reactions to this, but the most common three are:

Resentment.
Aggression towards you.
Punching through your boundaries through manipulation and setting your own.

If you encounter this, it does not mean that you did something wrong. They just couldn't maintain their borders. That is why the third point is control of your borders.

Just remember that every boundary you set will have its own price. At the very least, it can alienate you from your mother-in-law even more, so you will have to decide whether you need it or not.

The technique of setting boundaries itself is universal and you should know that:

Desired behavior needs to be reinforced.
Ignore or nip in the bud - no.
Only internal beliefs can stop you.

One of the internal beliefs is the fear of loneliness.

Reminders for mother-in-law and daughter-in-law

It is very rare when the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law develops in an ideal way. But it is within your power to make them at least acceptable.

Daughter-in-law, remember:

build relationships with your mother-in-law, because it is very important for your loved one that his women find a common language;
Don’t try to make your husband just yours. She is his mother, whom he loves;
accept your mother-in-law and try to love her. Congratulate you on the holidays, give gifts, but hide your ambition and don’t let yourself be offended;
when conflicts arise, do not involve your husband, turning him against the one who gave him life;
do not speak ill of her son, otherwise enmity is inevitable;
be a good wife, ask for advice and live separately.

Mother-in-law, remember:

if you want your son to be happy, do not try to replace his wife;
don’t try to crush the woman whom your son loved with all his soul. She is a free person;
Don't drag your son into conflicts. It will be difficult for him to make a choice. Don’t throw mud at your daughter-in-law and don’t get involved in the relationship;
don't force help. You need to help only when asked for it;
live in peace and harmony, show patience and friendliness;
put yourself in the place of your son’s chosen one, because she is also having a hard time now.

Psychology of conflict

Before we talk about reconciliation, we need to figure out why the relationship between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law did not work out.

The situation is aggravated if the husband is the only child in the family. It is difficult for a mother to entrust her beloved child to another woman; she thinks that the young wife will not be able to properly take care of him due to her young age or the fact that the mother has known her son all his life, and the wife only for a few years.

A mother wants her son to always remain with her, to be her support, support, and joy. The daughter-in-law feels like the main woman in her husband’s life and jealously perceives his relationship with her mother.

It happens that a daughter-in-law expects to see a second mother or friend in her mother-in-law, but the mother-in-law does not strive for such a relationship. This happens if the husband has a sister, that is, the mother-in-law already has a daughter and she does not need a second one.

Often, the daughter-in-law expects that the mother-in-law will give the newlyweds her living space, will sit with the children every weekend, help financially, etc. Such expectations arise if there were similar examples in the girl’s life.

If the newlyweds live with their husband’s mother under the same roof, it becomes even more difficult to establish relationships, because both women not only regularly compete for the affection of their husband/son, but also try to dictate their own rules regarding housekeeping.

The mother is used to living with her son according to her own rules, but then another woman appears. The daughter-in-law wants to reorganize the space, make repairs to her taste, or throw out the trash, which the mother-in-law does not allow.

The older the mother-in-law, the less flexible she will be in these matters and the more resentment there will be if the young people begin to do everything their own way.

When a man starts his own family and leaves his parents’ home, the mother becomes lonely and feels unwanted. Therefore, mothers-in-law often visit young people and bombard them with advice - in order to feel their importance.

Whatever the reason, relations can be normalized, and this should be done as soon as possible so as not to worsen the situation.