Darkness, emptiness, melancholy, hopelessness - this is how people most often define the situation when talking about the betrayal of their husband or wife. “I will never forgive you. Treason is the end, I’ll leave right away,” theorists of the issue most often say. When it comes to practice, thoughts change. I don't make excuses for traitors. I want to help those who had to find out about their partner's betrayal.
Why do husband and wife cheat? Reasons for cheating
- The most common reason, common for men and women, is lack of love. The second half is busy with work, children, friends; no time for each other, impossible to have a dialogue, no sex - the most common components that make up this cocktail. At this moment, a person becomes an easy victim: a nice girl will pay attention, smile, say: “You are the smartest, kindest, sexiest”... Or vice versa - a man will come across who will talk about “amazing eyes, lips” and so on. In such a situation, there is something to work with, you can save your family.
- The second reason is that we didn’t have enough fun. There are no special excuses here, but there is hope that you will have some fun.
- They cheat for new sensations: they have become bored, they are not attracted to their husband (wife), they want something different. Utopian option. As a rule, the saying “An old horse does not spoil the furrow” is remembered too late.
- A new love breaks out - there’s nothing to talk about, anything can happen.
Harsh statistics say that 70% of men and 50% of women cheat at least once in their lives. Moreover, most of them regret it, they do not want the betrayal to happen again or for half of them to find out about it.
Men are more likely to cheat due to physical attraction . But it is important to remember that in betrayal, as in any problem in family life, both are always to blame. Look at yourself in the mirror, remember your conversations over the week, think about the last time you had sex. Do you know the date exactly? That is, he is on schedule, by mutual agreement, in agreed upon positions?
Not guilty, you say? Men need sex. They have not given birth, their hormones are normal, and at some point their brain descends into the organ between their legs. This means that you either have to live taking this into account, or not look for evidence of male infidelity, especially if you are not ready to find it!
Women cheat with their ears . It is so important for them to hear about their uniqueness, originality, to receive gifts and romantic messages from fans. Women want to be loved. If men read this, they will say: “Yeah, they want money, an apartment, and a car.” This is true! But practice shows that without love, or rather, without manifestations of this love, it is difficult for a woman. And as soon as there is a man who admires her, she will hardly resist. And sex is more of an inevitability that occurs on the initiative of the admirer.
When to execute cannot be pardoned?
There are situations when divorce is the only right way out, because it makes no sense to continue the relationship, this is not your woman, and you are not her man.
- When the betrayal was planned and deliberate . The woman was purposefully looking for a lover and determined to have an intimate relationship with another man.
- When a woman has been cheating for a long time with one man or several times with different ones. In both cases, your family is long gone. Perhaps your wife is still living with you for selfish reasons.
- When the wife does not consider cheating a mistake or an accident . Alternatively, she fell in love with another man.
In all these cases, you should not forgive your wife’s infidelity. The sooner you cut the ropes, the better for both of you.
Treason: is it possible to save a family?
In fact, a very common option is not physical, but emotional betrayal: correspondence with “objects” on social networks, SMS, fantasies. And we can’t say that this is a safe option. A serious feeling often grows out of it, and then it is difficult to save the family.
Is it worth it? Everyone decides for themselves. Most try to save the marriage, and, I must say, successfully. Couples need to find a reason and talk it out. You have to survive the insult and be able to move on. And after everything has been clarified, discussed and an end has been put, it is strictly forbidden to return to this topic! If every day is everything, it’s a dead end, you can’t get out of it.
The traitor must realize, draw conclusions and never repeat such actions! Otherwise, it’s also a dead end. Option one - put yourself in the place of your half, imagine an avalanche of this destructive pain... And even better - imagine these feelings before a destructive thought enters your head. Because of lust and whim, you can lose everything that is truly valuable in life.
Betrayal can be forgiven and survived if there is love and respect. You should not share this with anyone you know. They will definitely remind you later and give a lot of emotional advice. It is better to consult a psychologist or specialist. After all, your friends will almost certainly tell you: “But I will never forgive!” But they are not the ones in your place now.
Talk about what happened
After you have taken the necessary pause, try to think about how you will live next. Remember: no one can make this important decision for you. What to do after your wife betrays you? Under no circumstances should you run away from this problem. You must understand that it will not resolve on its own. Experts in the field of family relationships recommend talking to your other half about what happened. If your emotions have subsided, you do not start the conversation with a showdown and a scandal, you can achieve quite good results. A conversation with your wife will help you free yourself from the oppressive feelings of guilt, despair and incredible pain. During the dialogue, try to analyze what kind of behavior of you or your partner could lead to such a situation. Try to give up accusations and insults for a while. Reveal to your wife the full depth of your inner experiences, and do not hesitate to express your own feelings: if you are worried and suffering, tell your wife about it.
If your wife cheats: 4 types of women
It is not customary to talk about this topic, especially publicly. After all, it is painful, difficult to understand and causes a flurry of emotional assessments from others. But we will try to understand the origins of the problem and understand why women cheat.
Let me give you a letter from a reader as an example.
“Larissa, there are still two weeks until we communicate on Skype, and I’m going crazy. Maybe you can write an article about my problem? I know I will be judged, there will be a lot of angry opinions, but I don’t care anymore. I am 31 years old, I am married, we have two children, they are 8 years old and 3 years old. I returned to work from maternity leave, fell in love with my boss, and cheated on her. The husband found out, forgave, and doesn’t say anything bad. But I’ve been destroying myself for a year now, I hate myself, I can’t live. How could I? I don’t understand... Yes, there were problems at home, but is that an excuse? Analyze, I beg you, the reasons for female infidelity! Help me survive!
When we talk about male infidelity, then everything is clear to us, women: he is a goat, she is a victim. And when is it the other way around? Would you say this is an exception? Meanwhile, in my work I constantly encounter female infidelities. And here we can distinguish several categories:
- Women who cheat regularly throughout their marriage. This does not bother them and often suits the husband. They are partners and friends, but sex has not been going well for a long time, and these infidelities are committed for the sake of physical satisfaction. No long-term relationships, emotions or love. There are very few such stories, and such women do not come to a psychologist because of infidelity, mentioning them incidentally in the context of another problem.
- Cheating with the aim of “knocking out a wedge with a wedge” - her husband cheated, she took revenge. Relationships rarely survive after this.
- Cheating as a result of great love. As a rule, the family also breaks up and a new one is created, with the object of passion.
- But most often wives like the author of the letter come to me. It seemed to them that they were loved, appreciated, respected, adored, but in the end they got what they deserved. In such betrayals, emotional experiences dominate, not sex. There is a lot of correspondence in them and there is a touch of romance. Such relationships have no prospects, they quickly get tired of them, but they suffer greatly when it all ends!
Turn on your mind
What does a husband do when he finds out about his wife’s betrayal - infidelity? Of course, the first thing that comes to his mind is the invention of a sophisticated punishment for an unfaithful woman. Being in a state of emotional shock, a husband can do stupid things for which he will later be incredibly ashamed. That is why, psychologists say, the first thing you need to do is calm down. Of course, this is incredibly difficult, but try to take control of your own emotions. As soon as the first shock passes, think about why your wife decided to commit such a serious offense. Experts say that when harmony reigns in a family, wives do not play around. Try to remember how you lived recently. Most likely, there has been discord in your family for a long time. That is why the betrayal of a wife is only the first alarming signal, which indicates a large number of problems.
Cheating on your husband: what next?
Statistically, women experience much more severe remorse after cheating than men. And they often go with this feeling of guilt to a specialist. This is truly one of the best ways to help yourself.
- If you want to deal with this yourself, then look for and analyze the reasons! It will become easier.
- Whether or not to talk about cheating on your husband, I cannot decide for you, but you can ask for his forgiveness both in thoughts and in actions. This will make it easier for you.
- If you are a believer, contact a pastor, this often helps.
- Be careful with confessions to friends and relatives; very often such confessions turn against you.
- Prevention is everything! Talk to your husband, have a constant dialogue, don’t be silent. Dear men, please communicate with your wives! After all, sometimes you can lose a loved one because of stupidity.
- Be sure to rest! Lack of rest and constant stay “within four walls” throws you into the arms of the first person who calls you.
- Men, speak kind words to women. After all, they love with their ears. Even a message once a day with a kind word is already good!
- Live each other’s lives, share your partner’s interests, be interested in his work. You should be united by something other than children.
- If an “accident” happens, still try to maintain the relationship. This is possible if you are important and need each other.
- There is no need to categorically assert that betrayal cannot be forgiven, that to forgive means not to respect yourself. Only very wise and strong people are capable of forgiveness. They deserve great respect!
Take a break
After you find out about your wife's betrayal, give yourself time to cool down and calm down. This pause is incredibly important, because if you don’t take it, you will easily lose your state of mental balance. In a fit of anger, you can say a lot of offensive words to your spouse and take actions that will definitely lead to separation. If you're really having a hard time keeping yourself together and you feel like things are getting tense, limit your contact with your other half. You can live with friends or parents for a while.
This will give the deceived husband the opportunity to calm down and think through further actions. Do not rush in any way, try to use this situation for the benefit of your family relationships. Psychologists say: betrayal is not at all synonymous with the end of a relationship; in most cases, this problem can be solved. The betrayal of your wife will allow you to look at your family and yourself in a new way, to rethink something. The fact is that any betrayal is evidence that previously close people have now moved away from each other and have ceased to understand each other. Believe me, happy couples will not look for solace or entertainment on the side!
Can't cope with your emotions?
Leave. But do it like a human being:
- come up with a reason;
A business trip, a seminar, a competition, a missed mother, a friend in a cast. There are many reasons to suddenly leave for a week.
- set deadlines;
There is no need to play intrigue. State your expected return date.
- do not refuse obligations;
If you have joint responsibilities, do not refuse them. Leave or promise to send money for the child, leave instructions for work, stay in touch. But make sure that you won’t be able to talk much: “the intense program of the symposium,” “mom is tired of the noise.”
- don't talk about the real reason for the trip.
This is not burying your head in the sand. Henpecked people don't do that. They continue to “not notice.”
A trip is not an escape, but a pause to strategize. You need to think it over calmly. Understand how to relate to your wife’s betrayal and draw up an action plan. Well, get drunk, after all.
An unscheduled “business trip” will save you from mistakes. There will be no temptation to bring your spouse out to talk, stress your children, or share your experiences with friends. Give yourself time to cool down. Then you can act in your own interests.
Restore family relationships
Immediately after this, begin restoring or improving your old relationship. If you both want, this is quite easy to do. Following these recommendations will help you:
- Pay attention to your appearance, any woman wants an attractive man next to her.
- Dedicate more time and attention to your significant other, find out what she is interested in and what she dreams about.
- Try to remember your first date, repeat the romantic moments of your very first meetings.
- Remember the last time you gave your wife flowers? Looks like it's worth doing more often. Don't forget about compliments and nice words.
- Discuss your sexual relationship, listen more often to your wife’s wishes.
