Is it possible to truly love two people at once? Psychologist's advice

There is no exact definition of love. Or love is too different even for one person at a time. So different that one day this person discovers that he loves two people at once. Why might this happen?

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It is unlikely that anyone will be too happy about such a situation. It is good only for open connoisseurs of polygamy. In such a relationship, everyone can have any other relationship and everyone is happy and honest with each other. Much more often, such a lover begins to tear himself apart in two at once. It is impossible to choose anyone, it is also impossible to end the relationship.

Psychologist and sexologist Ana Bridges argues that at a minimum, any of us may have an interest in such dual relationships. Any age. It’s just that someone doesn’t have the courage to admit to themselves that they love two people at once, or the voice of common sense keeps them from entering into a second relationship. And others go to great lengths and drink this sweet and bitter cup to the bottom.

Why does love arise for two

The first problem with a universal answer to this question is that no one really knows what love is. This feeling can be confused with passion, attraction, tenderness, the desire to protect or be protected. Love can include any of these emotions and change over time. It fades and flares up.

If at one moment a person experiences different feelings for two different people, then in both cases it can be love. Let's say a man can love one woman as a passionate lover. And the other - as a tender mother of her children (and this is not the rarest situation, to be honest). None of them can give him completely what he really needs. Therefore, a person leads a double life. Or he doesn’t live his destiny at all, he just doesn’t understand it (or he can’t get out of the current situation).

On two fronts

Pas-de-trois relationships can develop according to three scenarios.

1. Men don't know about each other . Everyone considers themselves one and only, and a woman has to be Mata Hari and a partisan in one bottle.

You need to skillfully maneuver between the “peaks” of your love triangle and hide the truth with all your might.

Get ready for feelings of guilt, moral torment and doubts - you will have to carry this burden alone. If the threat of exposure looms on the horizon, you urgently need to set priorities and choose one person.

Moreover, cover your tracks so skillfully that the chosen one will never guess about the presence of a competitor.

2. One of them knows about the other . There is no need to hide the presence of a stamp in your passport from your lover.

If he is satisfied with such a relationship, he is unlikely to be jealous that you cook borscht for someone or iron shirts.

It’s another matter if you feed him unrealistic promises of divorce. Life turns into a ball of lies: the husband has to lie in order to escape to a rendezvous, the lover has to swear to assure that they are ready to break family ties.

3. Both are aware . Rare case. This happens if there is a strong spiritual connection between all partners or if it is simple sex without commitment.

Biologically, humans are not monogamous

And the second problem is that society has adopted a monogamous model of relationships. It is glorified by poets and artists and enshrined at the legislative level. And, say, in Muslim countries, a man can easily marry several women at the same time. And somewhere else, a woman can also quite calmly love several partners at once and no one will condemn it. Biologically we are not monogamous. Or, in any case, they are situationally monogamous - until the start of the next relationship.

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Sometimes a so-called harem situation arises: there is one permanent and main partner, with whom the connection, for various reasons, is maintained at any cost. And at the same time, other connections of varying duration and intensity appear from time to time. By the way, not all of them are automatically perceived as treason. For example, when a married woman starts an affair or a fleeting affair with another woman, this is sometimes not perceived as cheating. Neither by herself nor by her male partner. But an affair with another man is unequivocal adultery.

Mechanism of double love2

You can fall in love with someone passionately while in a relationship with someone else, because this feeling is involuntary, like a shot in the heart, and you are unable to help yourself. This often happens when a relationship becomes more of a friendship, or something is missing in it, so you fall in love with someone who rekindles your dormant passion.

One man brings out your sexy side, helps build your confidence, and you don't want to give it up. With the second one you experience a deep connection, security, comfort, and feel loved. And suddenly your brain releases dopamine towards both of them because both, albeit in different ways, make you feel special and wanted.

What to do if you love two people

Look at the situation. Perhaps, after the idealization and romanticization of the image of new love, this flair will gradually fade and the relationship will gradually fade away. Or it may turn out that this connection will strengthen and become much deeper and brighter than the first, so that it will have to be interrupted. But a third character may even appear, which will include everything that is separately in the first two loves.

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You need to understand yourself. Try to understand why such a polygon appeared in life, what is actually missing. We perceive ourselves through others - this means that a person needs to realize a lot about himself, since he needs to receive so much at once from two other people.

Is it possible to truly love two people at once? Advice from a psychologist was last modified: October 1, 2021 by Masha Dubrovskaya

Types of relationships with two men

There are diametrically opposed opinions about the character of women. They are either wordlessly submissive or too free in their feelings and aspirations. The truth, as always, is in the middle. No two people are the same, which is why relationships with two men are built on different foundations. reasons for a woman to date two admirers at the same time , and often it depends on personal qualities or external factors.

Adventurous character

Not enough events and thrills? Why not date two at once. This walking on the edge adds zest to drab everyday life, provides a rush of adrenaline, and raises self-esteem. Such a woman is insanely happy or deeply unhappy, there is no other choice. There is, of course, a mercantile calculation, but in this case such relationships bring the lady closer to representatives of the most ancient profession.

Coincidence

It happens that a new character in the form of a “noble knight” bursts into an established relationship that has lost its former attractiveness. Life begins to play with new colors, such attention is flattering, but you don’t want to push away your usual partner. It turns out to be a “double gambit”. Perhaps it is fate that gives a new chance, but you need to look at the situation differently. There is a category of so-called “hunters of other people’s happiness.” They are not attracted to single people. They are interested in breaking up a couple, turning their heads and disappearing into the sunset. In this case, the woman is left without a partner at all, since before disappearing, the new boyfriend will definitely inform the former one of his existence. Few people will come to terms with such news, which deals a crushing blow to pride and sincerity of feelings. Flirting and a favorable attitude towards attention and admiration is one thing, playing on two fronts is completely different, so you need to weigh all the risks and decide whether this is necessary in principle?

Before you plunge headlong into a relationship with a second man, check his profiles on social networks using the LoveReport.ru online server. In five minutes you will receive useful information about your new partner. The verification is absolutely confidential.

Commitment to diversity

Sometimes you want chocolate, and sometimes you want hot sauce. In this case, it is likely that two men will appear in life with different views on life, priorities and interests. Perhaps they will move in different circles and never intersect. This is an amazing chance to live in two worlds at once, today talking about art and enjoying French kisses, and tomorrow submitting to the primitive pressure of passions, where conversations are unnecessary. For everyone’s well-being, you just need to make sure that the gentlemen do not find out that the lady is playing on two fields.

Fear of responsibility

Contrary to popular belief, not every woman strives for marriage. Some people are quite happy with an easy, unburdensome relationship. They are not going to dive into routine and try to stay longer in the “candy-bouquet” period. This is why you need 2 fans at the same time. You can always break off relations with one, referring to the other, playing on a man’s pride.

Sports interest

No matter how cruel it sounds, there are also lovers of adrenaline surges. They deliberately pit two fans against each other, pushing them towards aggressive rivalry. Sometimes the goal is to find the strongest. But more often, such behavior is equated to attending a boxing match, where the process is important, not the result.

Intentional triangle

The most interesting and, in its own way, honest option is to communicate with two men openly, like a Swedish family. Aspects of meetings and communication are discussed in advance, participants find a compromise and agree to the terms. In this case, the relationship with the two partners will be quite smooth, without tragedies and cries of betrayal. The question is, will a woman be able to maintain such a relationship for a long time? Won't they develop into a heavy duty?

Most often, this is decided by a lady who cannot make a choice between two, they are equally dear to her. Then an atypical family appears, in which all participants feel good. A woman is provided with tenderness, attention and adoration; sexually she is completely satisfied. There are options for cohabitation and guest marriage, when meetings are held alternately. Yes, this is beyond the usual, but it’s enough just not to draw the attention of others to it and ignore outside opinions.

Think about the future

Another good trick from psychologists: to decide which man you want to stay with, imagine a not-so-distant future with each of them. Think about what your husband and lover can do for you, what they are willing to sacrifice for you. It is better to make a choice and be wrong in your thoughts than to make a stupid decision in real life.

Loyalty must be a free choice

“I’ve been cheating on my husband with my colleague for six months,” admits 33-year-old Anna, the mother of children six and two years old. “I was the most faithful wife in the world until I met him.” And from then on, it was as if I was struck by an incurable disease. Is it possible to give up on children, husband, home? It happens. The biggest mistake was falling in love, but we women love first with our heads, and only then with our bodies!”

In our culture, fidelity is considered a prerequisite for true love. “This concept is associated with social stereotypes,” explains psychologist Bruno Bonchatto. – Our society is greatly influenced by the Christian religion; we confuse the concept of love with self-sacrifice. And we impose forced, unnatural love.

In reality, loyalty should be a free choice. Hence the conflicts if we feel that we can no longer or do not want to remain faithful to someone we no longer love. Morality has changed, but not enough to eliminate the contradictions.”

In some cases, new love can help an official partner, who, without an influx of fresh energy, risks withering away. “In such cases,” concludes psychotherapist Marcello Bruognolo, “it is even good to love two people at the same time. It benefits everyone involved in the triangle.”

“I’m getting old, and this is a surprise.”

Getting old is scary. Especially today, when it is fashionable to be young, when every request from the cashier to show your passport is a compliment. But maybe you should change your attitude towards old age? Maybe we should admit: “Yes, I’m getting old.” And then realize that this is wonderful.

Without jealousy

If a person has two parallel romances, he has to reckon with the jealousy of one of the partners or both. This complex feeling is associated with character, fear of loss or destruction of relationships. Jealousy can only appear when the official partner notices changes.

“I realized that my husband was cheating on me when I saw how he had changed: he became silent and absent-minded at work,” says 52-year-old Nadezhda, married for 18 years and has a 17-year-old daughter. “Maybe he cheated before, but this time it was as if he himself wanted me to find out everything.” I don't want to lose everything, so I don't say anything. I'm sure he has a mistress. I think he will leave me."

“If one partner’s behavior changes—comes home too late, goes away for the weekend—the other will sense that something is wrong,” says Consuelo Casula. “But this is where independence and maturity come into play. Every crisis is an opportunity for growth if everyone takes a share of responsibility. If the relationship is built on dependence, need, obsession, disappointment, the other one either really won’t see it or will pretend not to see the obvious.”

Consequences

To break this vicious triangle forever, start thinking about the possible consequences. Think about how your connection might affect others. Imagine the impact divorce could have on your children. Is your freedom worth giving up a relationship with a kind, caring person and the broken psyche of a child? Are you ready to go through a lot of problems for the sake of a relationship with a lover who, perhaps, does not want your communication to move to a more serious stage?