Spent my entire salary on a trampoline and sweets: how to get rid of immaturity

Of course I have my own opinion! Maam, what is it like?

Ordinary infantile

Sometimes it seems that the modern world is stuck in childhood and growing up slower than before. Previously, children ran around in the yard unattended until nightfall, but now students cannot even get a job themselves - their mothers literally lead them by the hand to interviews.

Our feeling is generally correct - culture, living conditions, attitudes towards growing up are changing

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In today's article you will learn what infantilism is and where it comes from. Learn to distinguish a truly childish adult from a person who just likes to fool around, and you can test yourself for a tendency towards childish behavior. And, of course, you will learn how to become an adult and responsible.

Infantility - what is it?

Infantility, or infantilism, is immaturity in development, which is accompanied by the retention of childish mental traits and behavior in an adult. It is important to distinguish the meaning of the term “infantilism” in medicine and psychology. In medicine, this term usually covers a delay in physical or mental development.

Here and below are examples from the forums.

“I grew up with my grandparents, my parents worked constantly. My grandfathers were so protective, they literally told me: “Vova, now you want to eat, sit down at the table. And now you want to play with cars.” I didn’t go to the garden, I didn’t play with the children on the street - they bullied me. School was a blow - everyone was friends, their own company, and I sat in the corner and chewed snot. I still chew it to this day. No family, no friends, no good job, I don’t understand what to do next.”

— Ilya, 27 years old

In this case, infantilism is the result of excessive guardianship. The child is used to having everything decided for him, he does not know how to plan and make decisions - he was simply not given the opportunity to learn.

Children's behavior becomes a habit, inconvenient and bad, but quite amenable to change. In this case, the child's relatives did not give him the opportunity to develop communication skills, which is why it is so difficult for him to function in adulthood.

What other reasons can lead to learned infantile behavior?

How to get rid

To get rid of immaturity, it is not necessary to consult a psychologist. Sometimes his help is required, but we are talking about special cases caused by severe psychological trauma. Otherwise, you can adjust the behavior yourself:

1. Learn to be rational. An infantile person lives by feelings. Make it a rule not to make decisions right away. Set a time limit (for example, 5 minutes) within which you must analyze the situation.
2. Learn empathy, understanding the feelings of other people. Every day, force yourself to be interested in the opinions of other people, especially in controversial situations. You don't have to accept someone else's point of view, but you have to be able to hear and understand it.
3. Get rid of egocentrism. You are not the only person on the planet. There is no need to sacrifice yourself, but you need to develop healthy egoism and altruism. All social relationships are built on mutual respect and concessions.
4. Move away from the “I want or don’t want” position, get acquainted with the terms “should” and “must”. Every person has not only desires and rights, but also responsibilities. Ask your family what your responsibilities are.
5. Before talking about yourself, take an interest in the other person’s affairs, ask if he is tired after a day of work, how his day went. Infants talk more than they listen.
6. Learn to make decisions. Not only your own life will help in this, but also the events of films or articles, global current topics. Every day, analyze some case as it applies to yourself.
7. Learn to plan your day, week, month, coming years. Make a list of tasks right now.
8. Learn to set immediate and distant goals, determine your capabilities and ways to achieve these goals.
9. Prioritize long-range goals. What do you want to become? What do you need for this? What do you need to sacrifice? Every time you rush between “want” and “need,” make a list of gains and losses regarding both points. Whatever in the end outweighs in value, then choose.
10. Provide yourself with a stable source of income, rent housing, think about buying your own house (apartment). If you live with someone, then do your part every day: clean, cook, help financially, etc.
11. Ask your family and friends to help you grow up: to trust, not to rush to the rescue without asking, and not to make decisions for you. You need to be alone to learn to take responsibility for your life. Close people are needed for support so that the infant does not drink himself to death or die in another way, but you need to stop living life for him. I have a toothache? The infant must make an appointment with the doctor himself and go to the appointment. Doesn't work? This means that the tooth doesn’t hurt so much. I delayed treatment and the tooth needs to be removed? This is an experience. The main thing is, at such moments, not to attack those around you (“You see what you’ve brought yourself to again”), but to support (“Yes, it turned out badly, but now you know what you need to do, and you won’t let it happen next time.”) .
12. Get rid of romanticism, nihilism and cynicism. Realism is necessary for a productive life, but you can become a realist only through practice, through personal experience.

Forget old grievances, get rid of the fear of failure and criticism. Your parents offended you because they themselves were deeply unhappy and unsure of themselves. All people make mistakes. Ask people you know about their mistakes and the lessons they learned. Mistakes are a very useful thing. They help you develop, become smarter and more interesting.

The infantilism of a child is the fruit of the efforts of the parents. To recover, you need to separate from your mother and (or) father, and not so much physically (move) and financially (find a job), but psychologically. Infantile people always hear the voice of a critical or protective parent in their heads, even if the parent himself is not alive. As long as the inner parent remains, tension also remains, which means the desire to withdraw into one’s own world or reproduce old childhood patterns of behavior.

Causes of infantilism

Overprotectiveness

Children are born helpless and completely dependent on their parents. Normally, as the child grows older, he gradually separates and learns to be independent. Walking, eating, dressing, putting away toys, packing a school bag, planning time for lessons, etc. If parents interfere with a child in this process - they decide for him when he is cold, what clothes to choose, protect him from natural consequences * - then the child simply will not gain the skills of choice and planning, and will not learn to take responsibility for his actions. Of course, this is often just a sign of caring, but it can prevent the child from growing up.

Note. *Natural consequences

Important! Natural consequences must be age-appropriate and safe for life and health.

Despotism in education

Has a similar effect. Parents decide for the child what to think, feel and do; this deprives him of the opportunity to learn to act independently.

Pedagogical neglect

Oddly enough, the complete freedom of action given to a child can also lead to the person not growing up. Normally, the skill of independence develops gradually as the brain grows and matures. Therefore, the burden of responsibility may turn out to be unbearable, and the grown-up child will try to throw it off at the first opportunity.

Note. In early childhood it is premature to talk about infantility. All children have poor control over their emotions and actions, do not know how to look far ahead, etc. Infantility can only be suspected from adolescence.

Diffidence

A person who does not believe in his own strength will refuse to make decisions, refuse responsibility for his actions, and refuse to take any action. Why try if it doesn't work anyway?

Infantilism as a symptom of disease

Separately, it is worth talking about infantility as a symptom of various diseases and physiological pathologies. For example, iron deficiency can affect general well-being, a person becomes lethargic, feels constant weakness, which is why he refuses to make decisions, etc. Infantility can also accompany anxiety and depressive disorders

We have listed only the main, most obvious reasons. In fact, there may be more of them and they are not always obvious. Therefore, working with manifestations rather than searching for causes will bring greater results. So what distinguishes an adult from a psychological child? By what signs can we understand that a person has not yet matured?

Where does infantilism come from?

It is assumed that psychological immaturity can be caused by one of three factors Immature Personality Disorder: Contribution to the Definition of this Personality (or a combination of them).

• Individual neurobiological characteristics. A person is born “forever young”; his “childhood” is determined by the structure of the brain.
• Traumatic brain injury. Such damage disrupts the activity of the central nervous system. If the trauma was received in childhood or adolescence, it can stop psycho-emotional development - the person will forever remain a “child”.
• Experience gained in childhood. Infantilism often affects those who were overprotected by their parents. Or the other extreme: abandoned children who are either tired of the overwhelming responsibility in their early years and now seek to shift it to someone else, or are so sad without the figure of a loving father or mother that they assign others to this role.

Signs of infantility

To understand the difference between an adult, an independent person, and an infantile
But if such behavior is excusable for children - they are in the process of development and maturation - then the same behavior in adults may look somewhat inappropriate. It is worth considering that psychological infantilism is spoken of in different situations, so different people, including specialists, give it different meanings.

This is what people who don’t feel like adults say about themselves:

“I don’t want anything, I’m still lazy. I would like someone to come and do everything for me. I'm looking for a mommy who will serve me, I'm looking for an older comrade who will decide everything for me. I'm like a child in an adult's body. I want to relax in the Maldives, but I vacation there only in my dreams.”

— Leonid, 32 years old

“Mom kept us alone all my life, and I tried to take care of myself and worked small jobs. Now I’m 21, I’ve finished my 3rd year, and summer is ahead. Money has become tight, and over the summer we need to raise a large sum. And I have no idea what to do or where to work. I'M AFRAID! I've been trying for 2 weeks now, time is running out. I went for an interview, but I was so scared that I ran away. Tomorrow I’ll go to another office, but I’m scared! And I’m also ashamed of myself, my mother pulled us along, but I turned out so wrong, I’m not ready for adult life, I can’t cope. I can’t sleep normally, I can’t live either, I don’t know whether I’ll run away tomorrow or something will happen.”

— Olga, 21 years old

Read also:  How to get rid of love addiction and find peace of mind - 5 steps from a psychologist

Characteristic manifestations

It is noteworthy that behavioral infantilism will never be the only manifestation in personality characteristics. A person can be a highly qualified specialist in his field, successfully run a business, and even effectively lead a team at work, showing leadership qualities. However, as soon as you cross the threshold of a house, the person is no longer recognizable: within his own walls, he begins to behave like a child to whom everyone “owes.”

Manifestations in men

• Frequent betrayals.
• Compliance in relation to the spouse, statement.
• Reluctance to contribute to the family budget.
• Tendency to gambling and participation in financial pyramids.
• Detachment from family life.
• The talent for blaming other people for your failures.
• Reluctance to find compromises.
• Lack of desire for a serious, long-term relationship.
• The slightest difficulties cause attacks of anger.

Manifestations in women

• Lack of punctuality, regular failure to keep promises.
• Resentment towards one's own minor children.
• Demonstrative behavior, hysteria, whims.
• Acute perception of criticism addressed to you.
• Zealous attitude towards personal boundaries.
• An obsessive desire to control everything and everyone, to be the cause of events happening around.
• The desire to “get married successfully.”

In fact, all of the above signs of infantility can equally be attributed to both women and men. Lack of independence, pronounced egocentrism, complete inability to self-analysis, irresponsibility, demonstrative hysterics, constant self-justification and lack of willpower are characteristic manifestations of infantilism.

Features of female and male infantility

Most of the symptoms are common to both men and women. However, there are some features that are important to highlight.

Infantility in men

• This problem often manifests itself in everyday life. The expression “a man is like a second child” often evokes agreement and approval among women. Boys may not be taught to do housework during their upbringing, for example, they are told: “Don’t wash the dishes, that’s not a man’s job” [1]. As a result, men expect someone to cook food for them, clean up after them, wash and iron their things, and so on.
• At the same time, boys can be taught that they must be responsible not only for themselves, but also for their family (wife and children). As a result, boys run away from this responsibility - they refuse to have a serious relationship or get married - because the burden seems unbearable to them.

“Well, why do I need a wife? Buy her fur coats and trinkets and suffer brain damage due to a burnt-out light bulb. I met my mistress once a week on her territory, even if she has a headache, what to feed me. And I don’t litter at home, the washing machine washes things at my mother’s house, and it’s not difficult to rinse a coffee mug.”

— Peter, 38 years old

Infantility in women

• In the case of women, this condition is less condemned by society. This is due to the fact that only a man is considered the head of the family, that is, the person who makes the main decisions. Women are less often expected to have strength of character and independence outside the family. Some girls are taught to shift responsibility for themselves to others: first to their dad, then to their husband. [1] As a result, the girl may not decide anything, but only “want a dress.”
• Women, especially those who have been “pulling” the whole family on themselves for a long time (for example, if the ex-husband does not participate in raising children), get tired of excessive responsibility and, when the opportunity arises, they strive to shift responsibility to others.

“Any stupid person can get an education, at least two or three. Earning money for tights is also not a problem. But to be a real woman... To do this, you need to grow, through pain and suffering. Learn to ask your husband to buy everything himself, agree with him in everything, be submissive and do as he decides. The man is in charge, let him think about how to earn money, and our task is to decorate the house with ourselves.”

— Elena, 29 years old

We deliberately took vivid examples, but infantilism may not be so obvious. For example, a person earns money and provides for himself, but at the same time demands that those around him fulfill his desires and believes that everyone is obliged to help him, and is too naive about everyday life and his tasks.

To understand where you need to “pull up” your adulthood, it is better to undergo a full-fledged psychological test. But first, you can take our short test and decide whether you need to change anything in this direction.

Start making short and long term plans

Plans, goals and objectives are what makes any person move forward and independently overcome difficulties as they arise. Fulfilling certain ideas will allow you to gain confidence in the correctness of your actions, the right direction and, again, consistency.

When everything starts to work out for you, you will feel your power and will be able to come to the realization that you are responsible for all the successes and failures in your life.

If you do nothing and sit, shifting responsibility to others, it is very difficult to feel this movement, and even more so the success from large and small achievements.

• Money and career How to change your profession at 30, 40, 45 years old: practical advice that will lead to success When you suddenly realized that you are ready for change.

Some childish guys believe that making plans and taking responsibility is too boring and goes against their nature as rebels and party animals. However, such a position is more likely a defense mechanism that justifies the inability to make an informed decision.

It’s interesting that such guys can have good jobs and a wide range of all kinds of skills and talents. However, infantilism drives some into narrow boundaries, forcing them to bury themselves in a small world and be afraid to come out into the open air.

Test for infantility

To determine if you have a problem, read the statements and answer yes or no:

1. I don't have enough experience to make decisions myself.
2. I often do rash things.
3. People often don't like what I say.
4. My actions often go beyond generally accepted norms of behavior.
5. I don't have any special goals in life.
6. I find it difficult to cope with many things in life.
7. I do not consider it necessary to analyze the reasons for my actions.

If you answered “yes” to 3 or more statements, you probably have some immaturity. We recommend paying attention to developing your self-sufficiency.

Does an adult need someone's help?

Independent struggle with infantilism is a complex and often very painful process that requires deep introspection and building a clear step-by-step plan.

If you notice signs of immaturity in a loved one, it is undoubtedly worth talking to him about it. Focus on the negative consequences and find out if he is ready to adjust his behavior. If the answer is positive, you may have to feel like a psychologist, asking about possible reasons, but the person will make decisions about further actions on his own. Contacting a qualified specialist in psychology and family relations is also not prohibited.

Own solutions

An infantile person does not know how or does not want to make decisions himself, preferring to give this responsibility to others. Usually - to parents, and then the role of mom and dad can be performed, for example, by a wife or husband. It can reach the point of absurdity: such people call their parents to ask for advice several times a day; asking mom what to wear; cannot decide which job to choose unless a parent approves; They won’t date a person if the family doesn’t like him, etc.

A person can consult, listen, compromise, but still decisions and responsibility for them are the lot of adult men and women.

How to identify an infantile man

Vivid egocentrism

A man is alien to someone else’s experiences; he will never look at the problem from your side. This happens because he is selfish. He cannot fall in love because in his life there is already the main love of his life - himself, therefore the whole world should revolve only around his desires and needs. He will not show concern for anyone but himself.

Sissy

All people love their mothers, but here love overflows across all borders. Often, such a man grew up in an incomplete family or with a strong mother. Mom’s health and well-being always come first; her experience and knowledge exceed academic information. For the sake of her approval, an exemplary boy will sacrifice both his interests and his family.

Inability to adapt to everyday life

One of the signs of a mature personality is the ability to cope with everyday problems. If your man does not pay attention to his appearance and the cleanliness of his home, then most likely he is stuck in the image of a careless teenager. Such partners expect the woman, first of all, to take on the responsibility of solving all his and his everyday problems while he spends time playing computer games.

Passing the buck

Everyone around is to blame. He is surrounded by “insignificant individuals” who are just waiting for an opportunity to “turn their leg.” He constantly changes jobs, but only because people pick on him, envy him and hate him. The boss is mediocrity, the ex-wife demands alimony because she only needs money, and in general, all the girls are selfish.

Indifference to career

Such a man shows indifference to material values, he is satisfied with the minimum salary, he runs away from everything that has to do with work and responsibility. Often he does not have a permanent job or does odd jobs. There are too many interesting things around to waste your time on office routine, and then there are always parents who will feed you. And he doesn’t mind at all if a wonderful woman is found who will take care of him, “temporarily,” of course.

Inability to handle money

He can spend his entire salary in a couple of days or take out a huge loan on a momentary whim. Housing payments are so boring! You can always borrow money and pay it back later. And even the fact that he owes everything to everyone does not force him to come to his senses.

Teenage hobbies

When boys spend time reading comics, computer toys, and anime, this is not surprising. But when adult men spend all their free time doing such activities, this is a good reason to think: what kind of life together can await you?

Can't stand criticism

He reacts to any comments addressed to him in the same way - he gets offended, withdraws and leaves. For any period of time and in any direction - to friends, mother or another woman.

Can't stand pain

This adult cannot endure any discomfort, and like a small child, he expects increased attention to himself. He demands that people run around on tiptoes if his lordship suddenly has a slight fever. It's up to you to decide whether you want to live like this for the rest of your life.

Eternal rival

He is seriously offended by his wife because she pays more attention to the children. May eat food that was prepared for children or a sick family member. Requires special treatment and fights for first place in the family.

Dreamer

His ideas are just flowing! Such a man knows better than anyone how to charm any girl, earn a lot of money, build a dizzying career and knows all the people who will simply run to his aid! In words. But in reality everything looks completely different. But it’s okay, tomorrow he’ll come up with something else.

Dressed like a teenager

Clothes are a reflection of our inner state. An eternal boy - not a wrinkle on his face, sneakers on his feet, a beanie hat and not a single serious thought in his eyes. If you like it, then go ahead!

Hates planning

Such men cannot live by the rules and do not know how to manage their time. The infantile rarely keeps his word and almost never keeps his promises. And talking about the future only makes him want to run away. It is impossible to count on him; he can promise and not fulfill. But he will someday be able to set a wedding date, only it will be pushed back all the time, and there will be no guarantee in family life. Published by econet.ru

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Develop financial literacy

When earning money, it is very important to learn how to manage it. Infantilism often does not allow this skill to develop. After all, why should a child manage money, save money or count expenses when there are parents?

If an infantile person receives money, he will spend it without thinking. Therefore, it is difficult to save up and create a secure financial position.

To get started, use special programs for smartphones where you can record your income and expenses. Based on the data you entered, the application will build a diagram that clearly shows where the funds go. When you see that most of your income is spent on non-essential things, you will realize that you need to manage your money differently, and you will be able to save somewhere to make a more serious purchase.

Infantile personality traits

Of course, external signs are clearly not enough to recognize an immature type of male personality. A much more serious assessment can be made by examining the psychological portrait of such a guy

It is worth paying attention to the following character traits:

Dependency on mother

Everyone loves mom. However, this is a completely different story, which psychologists often compare to an unbroken umbilical cord. Mom is infantile - the very best. She is well versed in matters of her son’s personal life, his work, money and other important matters. This main person in his life does not lose importance as he grows up. Sometimes even the girl she loves can’t compete with her. As a rule, authoritative mothers themselves tend not to let their already adult child get away from them. Therefore, such guys do not marry for a long time or remain bachelors for life.

Avoidance of responsibility

An infantile man never experiences feelings of guilt or remorse for his actions. Anyone is wrong, but not him. At work, he is underestimated by his strict boss, and his narrow-minded colleagues plot malicious intrigues. At home, grumpy neighbors pester him for leaving trash on the staircase. A car splashes mud on the street, not because he crosses the street at a red light, but because the driver is a dick. The boy runs through his life from worries: he changes girlfriends, activities, place of residence. But he is not able to recognize the infantile man in himself and change. It is much easier to evade the assigned responsibility in any way.

Lack of stable income

A man who does not have a legal wife and children can easily afford to be content with temporary work, receiving only the necessary minimum. You can recognize such a guy by his reluctance to work hard. He prefers odd jobs or sitting on his parents' necks.

Optional

An infantile man does not like to be held accountable for his words. Like a child, he can promise anything in order to receive a reward. And with the same childish spontaneity, forget about this obligation the next day.

Inability to manage a personal budget

Money has momentary value for such a guy. If he gets a certain amount at his disposal, he can instantly spend it all on a fancy gadget or any whim.

The paradox is that society regards an adult man as bearing full responsibility for his actions. The concept of “infantility” is not officially established. Such people can play in casinos, take out loans with draconian interest rates, enter into deals and sign property agreements.

These are the best clients of financial pyramids, unscrupulous profiteers and swindlers of all stripes, who recognize them with a professional eye in no time. By impulsive action, they are capable of destroying a career and making a significant hole in the family budget. But anyone will be responsible for these ill-considered actions, but not the childish guy. This pre-mature baby has been playing with toys in another sandbox for a long time.

Inability to care for family and friends

Mothers raising immature men should think about who will take care of them in old age? After all, an infantile person is not able to solve even his own problems, and he is not at all capable of taking care of his parents or children.

Lack of independence

Surely you have seen a picture where a mother chooses clothes for her adult son, goes with him to the doctor, and draws up documents. A good example of this behavior is given in the movie "Where is Nophelet?" There, mom and dad went on a date between their son and a girl, taking army binoculars with them.

Rivalry with children

Such a guy can seriously compete with young brothers and sisters for the best piece of pie, a seat by the window in the car, or mom’s attention. Children are children

Other traits of an infantile man include egocentrism, capriciousness, daydreaming, impressionability and disregard for public interests.

Inability to adequately evaluate one's actions

Even if you give such a guy a lecture about infantilism, he is unlikely to recognize his typical representative in himself. After all, this would mean admitting his guilt, and he is not capable of this.

It is impossible to recognize an infantile comrade by only one of the above signs. For an accurate assessment, a combination of at least 2-3 of the listed factors is required.