“I fall asleep and I dream about Pushkin.
He walks with a cane along Tverskoy Boulevard. I run to him and scream. And he stopped, looked, bowed, and then said: “Leave me alone, old... I’m so tired of you and your love.”From the diaries of Faina Ranevskaya
You can become dependent on a person in the same way as on drugs, alcohol or nicotine. How to get rid of attachment to a person? Let's start with the diagnosis.
How to understand that it is emotional dependence
People notice pathological traits in their behavior:
• The whole world narrows down to the object of affection. His personality comes to the fore, overshadowing work, friends, hobbies and relatives. Attachment binds a person.
• Emotional blackmail. A person will do anything to get the attention of an attachment figure. Hysteria or demonstrative coldness? Both are welcome, no problem.
• Withdrawal syndrome. When the object of affection is far away, a person feels sad. I really want to be next to him again. This point is the reason why you want to get rid of neurotic attachment.
When attachment looks like a painful addiction, you definitely need to get rid of it.
Even when the connection with your attachment figure is healthy, there may be barriers between you:
• you are separated by distance;
• affection is not mutual;
• one of you is married;
• you simply don’t understand each other;
• something else came between you.
In any case, the relationship did not work out. Now you are wondering how to get rid of attachment to a man or woman. Let’s figure out how to do this using the knowledge from Yuri Burlan’s “System-vector psychology” training.
My video
Is it true that a girl’s favorite things that were once given to you reinforce your addiction to her?
What to do in case of a breakup?
I talk about this and much more in my video.
Why men cheat on their wives but don’t leave: all the reasons for male infidelity in our new article.
How to become more self-confident as a girl - informed and wise tips on how to gain self-confidence are written here.
Why do we get attached and can’t get rid of it?
A person feels comfortable only when he has good relationships with other people. His mood depends on emotional connections with others. It `s naturally. But the lack of attachments and the inability to empathize is a mental disorder. Attachments are the basis of our lives, but we want to control them: choose the right people, calmly leave those with whom things don’t work out.
Sometimes you can't get rid of it. There are no irreplaceable people, but sometimes we become so attached to a person that it seems that without him life has no meaning. It's better to die than to be alone. And we forget about hundreds of other interesting people with whom we can also communicate with pleasure. And fear also arises: what if nothing works out again? After all, he was so ideal and beautiful, soul and body, there is no other like him. No one else is needed now.
Many people, when they become attached to a person, have the feeling that he is special. Then they get untied and don’t understand what they found in him. It is our imagination, as in fairy tales, that makes a knight out of a shepherd, and a princess out of a washerwoman. There is nothing wrong with painting a beautiful image of the object of affection in your head. But when a person cannot direct his imagination to anything or anyone other than the object of his affection, he becomes emotionally fixated.
You need to realize that it is your emotions that make attachment special. And then what really happened between you may not seem so significant if you look from the outside.
Finding a hobby for distraction
When we are deeply in love with someone, it becomes very difficult for us to focus our attention on everyday matters. Then try to switch your attention to new interests and hobbies. Try to find a hobby that you like and enjoy doing. Thus, your life will become easier. Your mind will not be focused on unbridled love all the time, but will rest from time to time. Any activity will be very good if it distracts you from obsessive, not the most favorable thoughts.
What are the problems with attachment?
If you are asking how to get rid of attachment, it means that the object of the attachment either did not reciprocate or does not know how to build healthy relationships. It happens that people simply do not agree in character, do not understand each other’s mental characteristics. In any case, there is nothing to regret, because there is no hope for a happy future here.
When a person wants to get rid of a healthy attachment, he refuses a dose of warm emotions and, naturally, becomes sad. At first you walk down the street and you don’t even notice that you’re thinking about her again. You're bored again. But if a person’s emotional sphere is healthy, new impressions from a new life accumulate, and old memories fade away. This is the norm. But sometimes a person tastes the fruit of self-pity and receives hidden emotional pleasure. And then he cannot escape the web of emotional dependence.
“It hurts to breathe without him. I cry almost every day... I have had such a sick attachment for 5.5 years. Yesterday in the metro it got to the point where I started looking for him in the crowd. I looked at everyone, but, naturally, he wasn’t there... I often imagine him. I know for sure that he doesn’t like me. I can’t forget” (text taken from the forum here).
There are neurotic attachments, when partners enjoy quarrels and scandals, each feeling sorry for themselves. There is no spiritual intimacy in such relationships; people cannot share their secrets with each other. Omissions and misunderstandings become unbearable. You are already thinking about how to get rid of your attachment to a person. The psychology of emotional dependence does not allow it - the relationship continues, in reality or in a dream. The object of unsuccessful affection evokes negative, but bright and strong emotions. It seems better than emptiness. Some people with a visual vector are hooked on this like a drug.
“I didn’t love my man, but it seemed like he loved me, I couldn’t lose this feeling, like constant care... As a result, we lived together for 5 years... And for 2 years, without him, I can’t even sleep, I always have insomnia, fear of loneliness, from others I hate men, but I also understand that I never loved him and don’t love him, moreover, it was he who persuaded me to become so dependent. I always ran away, but it was like he caught me and didn’t let go. All thoughts about him are associated with negativity and fear!” (text taken from the forum here).
What is the most common role?
As a rule, female “victims” turn to psychologists for help. They often do this under the influence of public opinion. “Chasers”, as a rule, do not notice any special problems, and other people usually envy them. If these are financially secure, socially independent women, then throughout their lives they do not realize that they are dependent.
“Savior” is the most common socio-psychological role. Women “love” losers, guys “with a sea of melancholy in their eyes”, suffering from alcoholism or drug addiction, terminally ill people, “unrecognized geniuses” and everyone else who needs help, pity, care, guardianship. This type of dependence grows out of maternal instinct, and it is very terrible for the female psyche.
A woman with such dependence completely devotes herself to caring for a man, to the point of forgetting about her own appearance, not to mention hobbies, interests, hobbies, and tastes. At the same time, the whole family is “subordinate” to the man; if a woman has children, they are in second place, and she also requires them to take care of the man.
The woman herself is absolutely convinced that “without her, her beloved will be lost.” She needs to constantly “save” the man, protect, protect, “stand guard over his interests.” Such women are convinced that only they “understand” their chosen one.
This form of addiction is scary not only for women. It cripples the psyche of children and completely destroys the already weak personality of a man. A self-sufficient, accomplished, successful husband does not need saving; accordingly, insecure individuals become partners of such women. Over the years, from such a “clogged life” a real tyrant, a domestic despot, grows. This happens because the man is trying to psychologically resist the “savior.”
Who attaches special importance to attachments?
The owner of the visual vector needs emotional connections with other people most of all. Frankness and trust in relationships, common interests with friends and walks under the moon at night are the values of the visual vector. A visual person lives for feelings and emotions.
The lives of visual people develop differently: due to trauma and bad experiences, they can forbid themselves to feel, and concentrate all experiences on themselves. And demand attention and love from those around you.
In a healthy attachment, the visual person, on the contrary, shows sympathy and interest in the partner, opens up emotionally and receives a response. If you had to get rid of a healthy attachment, the viewer feels bad, but not fatally. He will come to his senses and create more.
In a dependent attachment, a visual person cannot express his feelings, but instead feeds on those of others. Of course, when the object disappears from sight, you want more emotions. And there is nowhere to take them. It remains to feed on poisoned but sweet experiences from an unfulfilled attachment. It seems that this is suffering from which you want to get rid of, and at the same time sweet torment.
If you quickly get used to a person
Some people tend to quickly develop emotional sympathies for unfamiliar people. As a rule, this happens if the attachment between the baby and mother was disrupted in early childhood (stay in an orphanage, illness or parental indifference). A person who has experienced such mental trauma perceives any manifestation of interest on the part of new acquaintances as the emergence of a psychological connection, thereby inflicting another wound on himself when the invented feelings are not brought to life.
Yellow color in psychology - what it means for a woman, man, child
How to stop getting attached to people you barely know:
- Try to become a self-sufficient person with strong interests and life principles.
- Teach yourself not only to give your love and trust, but also to accept the feelings of other people.
- Develop the ability to abstract yourself and let go of the situation, stop trying to control everyone and everything.
- Start enjoying the current moment, rather than endlessly analyzing the past and inventing the future.
Important! It is necessary to distinguish plans from fantasies: a plan provides for specific steps towards a goal, fantasies are something unrealistic and unattainable.
- Learn to love yourself and gradually adapt to the world around you, without infringing on your interests to please other people.
How to get rid of attachment
It’s easy to leave a person in the past, but sometimes it’s too difficult to throw his image out of your head and stop going over in your thoughts what should have happened, but didn’t happen.
• The first tip on how to get rid of attachment is to switch. True, if you take up a hobby, throw yourself into work, go on a date, or just go out for a walk with the only thought of not thinking about Him or Her, nothing will work out. You need to get distracted first of all emotionally. Try to imagine that you will experience all the precious experiences associated with That person with someone else. And they will be brighter, stronger. And with this attitude, go out for a walk and meet with friends.
• Give yourself faith in the future. When we become too attached to a person, we don't see anyone around us. Letting go of attachments hurts when you are afraid of being alone. Communicate more and feel needed by many, rather than just one object of your affection. Learn to control and create attachments yourself. This is only possible with an understanding of human psychology. Then breaking up a relationship with a person will not be such a problem.
• Help someone who is in a similar situation. Your boyfriend or girlfriend probably also had problematic attachments that they had to get rid of. Maybe you can talk to them and share your experiences. Then you will see your own situation in another person - from the outside, not from the inside. And it will no longer seem so terrible to you.
• Expressing feelings on paper is often recommended. And burn the paper or put it away out of sight. This method will give relief if you publish the text on the Internet or at least let someone read it. Maybe even to the addressee himself. Not in order to get a response, but in order to put an end to it.
Close the door to the past
The first thing you need to do after you break up with a person is to accept the fact that the past, no matter how beautiful and rosy it may be, cannot be returned. It is necessary to let it go, cross it out, accept the breakup as a given. Psychologists say that over time you will even like the feeling of freedom and independence.
How to forgive and let go
Sometimes we feel like we should have said or done something in a relationship but it didn't work out and we can't let the person go. How to get rid of attachment? Understand why the relationship developed the way it did and not otherwise.
What to do if a person, on the contrary, feels that the object of affection owes him something: did not pay attention, insulted or humiliated him? A person cannot forgive him; with masochistic pleasure he thinks about his affection again and again. Even the decision to express grievances in person will not help here. You need to understand the very nature of the behavior of the object of attachment, to figure out what his fault really is. We can never say with certainty what motivates another person in a relationship. And when we try to explain his actions to ourselves, we only become even more confused.
“At the very peak of events, I was told: just don’t fall in love with me, we started seeing each other too often. Now I’m writing and I’m ready to cry... it’s very hard, just a day ago I was flying and fluttering because I have someone to love... And since yesterday evening I’ve been crawling barely, overwhelmed by simple words” (text taken from the forum here).
At Yuri Burlan’s training “System-vector psychology” we understand that a person always talks about himself, even when it seems that he is talking about others. Systematically, the meaning of the phrase “Just don’t fall in love with me” is translated almost as a confession. “I’m so afraid of falling in love with you...” the object of her affection says to the girl. Don't take everything personally.
To let go of the past and avoid painful attachments in the future, you need to take a deeper look at attachment. Then you will be able to say thank you to the object of your affection simply for being in your life, and your soul will become calm. If you feel gratitude towards him, then you are on the right path and can create new attachments with new people instead of the outdated old one.
Develop your confidence
A confident woman never becomes attached to a man if she barely knows him. Yes, she can fall in love, but at the same time she objectively perceives her partner, realizes his advantages and disadvantages.
If you have a lot of complexes and low self-esteem, then it is very easy to become attached to a man who is so strong and solves all problems. You consider yourself weak and are looking for a patron - but this is a road to nowhere. The problem will eventually get worse.
To avoid painful attachment, you need to become self-confident. To do this, engage in self-development, find new interests, and emphasize your strengths. Let him become attached to you, not you to him. Always love yourself a little more than others - this is the key to a healthy relationship.
Love saves you from sick attachments
There is no single canon for unsuccessful relationships, but we know what a happy attachment looks like. The feeling of love was described by hundreds of classics of literature. If you are not attached to a person in such a way as to love him, then you should not get hung up on attachment. Love makes a person much happier than any attachment. If you want and dare to fall in love, you will definitely fall in love. And yearning for the object of affection when there is someone to truly love is as strange as waiting for the moon to rise in the light of the sun.
There is a key difference between affection and love. When you are attached, you are afraid to show your feelings, but when you are in love, you show your love with pleasure. Someone suggests starting a new attachment in order to get rid of the old one. This method doesn't work. You cannot completely replace one attachment with another. Only a feeling of love will dispel painful attachment and give strength to live in a new way. Love is an order of magnitude stronger than any attachment.
…Thanks to systemic knowledge, I was able to let go of a long-past but haunting love. In many ways, painful emotional addiction has released its grip, and for the first time in a long time, I feel light, able to love again. There was great tenderness left, and there were no disappointments or resentments left... Diana K., doctor, Tartu, Estonia
...I got rid of a love addiction that lasted for 9 years, and logically I understood that this relationship was futile in any case, but I couldn’t get rid of my incomprehensible feelings... Katya G., assistant manager for working with key accounts, Moscow
The article was written using materials from Yuri Burlan’s online training “System-vector psychology”
Causes
It is a mistake to assume that painful attachment is a demonstration of love and sincerity. A person is physically dependent, experiencing “withdrawal” without a partner.
Reasons for this behavior:
- A woman has a desire to be under the protection of a stronger person, a habit of shifting responsibility onto the shoulders of her partner. When a guy leaves a girl, she is left alone with the realities of life, which causes panic.
- A man is more often physically and financially dependent. For him, a girl is a source of delicious food and cleanliness in the house. When she leaves, the usual comfort disappears.
Even immaterial or platonic dependence carries danger. A person stops caring about self-development and degrades as a person. The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to get over a possible breakup.
Protecting feelings
You can be friends with such a person. You can help him, but the main thing is not to overdo it with your appearance in his life. This can harm, first of all, yourself. You must feel the line beyond which you will not harm your life. It is especially important to have it when it is difficult for you to be around such a person; it is better to keep your distance. Don't live in illusions. If something bad happens in his life, he will not switch to you. Keep a safe distance, protect your emotions.
