Stop communication
It's impossible to stop thinking about the person you interact with every day. Don't be under the illusion that you can be friends with your ex without compromising your psychological well-being. If your feelings are still alive, but his feelings have long cooled down, it is not beneficial for you to be friends with him. You won't be able to tear yourself away and start a new story.
Do not call or write to him, do not initiate meetings. If he insists on continuing the conversation, politely refuse. Say that you need to come to your senses first. Over time, you will really be able to resume communication - when the figure of your ex in your head shrinks to an adequate size and stops drawing all the attention to itself. In the meantime, grit your teeth and endure.
What do you need to understand and learn?
- There will be no new life. You only have one life. And what it will be depends directly only on you.
- "It is impossible to mend the pieces of a broken heart . This phrase is just a metaphor. Common words for poetry and romance novels. As for reality, everything in it obeys the laws of nature. And nature intended it this way that even love has a physical basis and passes over time, like any bad habit.
- There is no point in entertaining yourself with illusions. The sooner you realize that it's over, the sooner your recovery from love will begin. Only you can put an end to it.
Get rid of reminders of the person
At first, everything around you will remind you of your ex-lover - the park where you loved to walk on weekends, the elevator in which you kissed and held hands, the dessert you shared in half.
Then the associations will gradually begin to collapse. The usual things that surround you will no longer cause pain and melancholy. But there will be triggers that will forever be associated with your ex. Joint photographs, gifts, correspondence in instant messengers and social networks. You need to get rid of all this.
Throw away or at least hide notes and cards out of sight, give gifts to friends, put away photographs. Clear your chat history so you're not tempted to dig into it. This is the past that you need to try to forget about as quickly as possible.
Turn the page
Failed relationships very often become an unclosed gestalt. A person returns mentally to the situation of separation again and again and cannot let it go. Many moments remain unclear, words remain unspoken, grievances remain unlived. Take time to deal with all this psychological burden.
Tell yourself that the relationship is over and there is no going back. All you can do is work on your mistakes and draw conclusions for the future.
Think about what you did wrong, at what points you screwed up. Don't scold yourself for mistakes, but make a promise not to make them again. Perhaps you will come to the conclusion that the relationship developed according to the wrong scenario from the very beginning and separation was its logical conclusion. Write down the unspoken words on a piece of paper and then burn them.
Destroy joint plans for the future in your head. Imagine how a bright and beautiful picture of a future together becomes dark and gloomy. And then it completely falls apart into pieces like a puzzle.
Once you do all this, you will instantly feel better. Try not to return to painful thoughts about a dead relationship.
What if you still have regrets after the breakup?
If you were the one who initiated the breakup, then it is normal to feel regret. Breaking up is never easy and it is mentally difficult for both parties. But if you are experiencing strong feelings of regret, then it is important to control your emotions and not make rash decisions. Keep in mind that there was an important reason for your separation anyway. And both partners are always to blame for the breakdown of a relationship. Therefore, you should not blame yourself. This won't lead to anything good. Better try to let go of this situation.
Avoid idleness
When our brain is not occupied with anything, attention begins to flow towards figures that are significant to us. After a breakup, the figure of a former lover can acquire enormous dimensions and occupy all the space with itself. It is useless to fight it with willful efforts. At this stage she is stronger than you.
This monster can only be defeated by growing other significant figures in your psychological space. Direct your energy to interesting and useful activities, start learning something new, get creative, and improve your work.
The more time you have occupied, the better. It’s ideal when the day is scheduled minute by minute and you don’t have time to indulge in painful thoughts. Just a week in this mode - and thoughts about your ex will decrease significantly.
And to do it faster, use the advice of experts:
- Give yourself time to “grind through your grief.” Any grief must first be overcome. Surrender yourself completely to sadness for a short time, plunge into it headlong - cry, share your grief with loved ones, or, if it’s easier for you, “drink” your grief alone, but to the bottom. To put an end to it.
- Find a way to release your emotions. They definitely need to be thrown out somewhere: negative emotions, pain and suffering are not what you need to fill your “empty vessel”. Break dishes, play sports, sign up for a shooting course - anything so that you can give vent to your emotions. Naturally, without harm to others.
- Stop “pouring from empty to empty . There is no need to constantly replay these memory films in your memory - it's time to get better! Analyze your mistakes, stop feeling sorry for yourself and regretting the past, step over this new milestone in your life and start a new book of your destiny, in which everyone is their own director.
- Change everything. Furnishings, hairstyle, appearance and image, even place of residence and work. Anything you can change radically, change it. Any changes now are your medicine, new experiences and a new round of life.
- Create a schedule for yourself for a week or two (to begin with), so that every day is scheduled literally hour by hour. You should not have a single free minute left for memories and self-pity. You should be so busy that when you return home, you fall on the bed without legs and fall asleep. What you put on your schedule is up to you. But it is recommended to add to the list, in addition to the usual “sports, beauty, work,” also your unfulfilled dreams. Surely you have a secret list of wishes and “dreams”? It's time to do them!
- Do not refuse the best psychologists in the person(s) of friends, close people, girlfriends. Friends will not let you sour in your grief - they will help you cope with self-flagellation and even be born again with the thought that everything will be fine, because it simply cannot be otherwise.
- Learn to love yourself. You have given too much of yourself if you are having such a hard time coping with the pain today. Of course, we are not talking about becoming an absolute egoist, but you need to love yourself just enough so that later you don’t have to die of grief, hugging a pillow wet with tears.
Make plans for the future
The first time after breaking up, your thoughts will be entirely occupied with the past. It will seem that all the most beautiful and exciting things are left there, and nothing good awaits you ahead. You need to get rid of the negative thought script and start looking into the future with a positive attitude.
Start making plans for the future. There is no need to look too far ahead; focus on the next three months. Think about what you want to achieve during this time, what skills and abilities to acquire, what to acquire.
First, learn to set simple goals, and then move on to more ambitious ones. You can make a wish map - this is a great tool for maintaining motivation throughout the entire journey of implementing your plans.
Communicate more
If you want to quickly get rid of thoughts about your ex, spend less time alone. Communicate with people as often as possible, especially with the opposite sex. Make new acquaintances, revive old ones. Just avoid discussing the situation of separation and touching your ex’s bones.
Communication should be positive and meaningful. It is best to engage in some kind of group activity - play intellectual games, complete a quest, go on a hike.
Friends will help you take your mind off your worries and focus on the positive. Perhaps you will begin to develop mutual sympathy with one of them, which will then develop into something more. But there is no need to specially force this process. Let everything take its course.
Spiritual growth
Try reading the Gospel and going to church. During a pandemic, this is not always possible. But you can watch the service online. Just search the Internet for “family sermon” or “relationship sermon.” You can find modern advice on any topic. Also, no one has canceled the healing principle of prayer. In order to turn to God in prayer, it is not necessary to visit a temple, which is difficult during the restrictive time of quarantine. God is everywhere and He hears you. Especially if you start praying, communicating with him and asking him to forgive your sins. You can pray according to a prayer book, or you can pray in your own words. If you have been to Israel, you may have noticed that many people there pray simply by talking to God. In the Orthodox mentality, turning to God involves repeating memorized words. But if they are not clear, then they are of little use. Renewing your relationship with God will have a beneficial and strengthening effect in your life.
Life is full of happy moments, we choose what to pay attention to and what to close our eyes to.
One sees a puddle, and the other sees a star reflection. Treat your ex-boyfriend not with anger, but with gratitude for the experience he gave you. You are a better person and wiser, which means your next relationship will bring more happiness and love. No tags for this post.
Take a break from the topic of love
Until the wound has completely healed, try not to reopen it again. Give up for a while watching tearful melodramas, listening to songs and reading books about love. It’s better to forget about the love topic altogether for a while and switch to other areas of life.
Focus on work, spend more time with your family, renovate your apartment or at least do some general cleaning. Notice how beautiful the world around you is. Enjoy the beauty of nature and art.
So far, the brain associates everything related to romance with the ex. Over time, this associative connection will break if it is not maintained artificially. And you can remove time restrictions.
Take care of your image
A person comes out of an unsuccessful relationship with his self-esteem completely destroyed. Being rejected is painful and unpleasant. Willy-nilly, thoughts appear that something is wrong with you, since your loved one does not want to continue the relationship.
Working on your image helps you quickly restore self-esteem. Join the gym and start working on your figure. Get a new hairstyle, update your wardrobe, tidy up your clothes. Learn to smile beautifully and walk beautifully. Positive changes will make the attention of the opposite sex flow in your direction. You will catch interested glances and be confirmed in your own attractiveness.
Don't fantasize
Indulge less in memories and dreams about how your ex loves you. If that were the case, you wouldn't sit alone and yearn for him. The person would find a way to bring you back into their life.
When you imagine him hot and in love, your feelings flare up with renewed vigor. Do not indulge yourself with illusions, no matter how pleasant they may be.
It is better to imagine him as cold and indifferent. Right now, for example, he is minding his own business and doesn’t think about you. Or maybe even spends time in the company of a new passion. Unpleasant pictures, aren't they? You look at them a couple of times and you won't want to again.
You can remember what your partner was like at the end of the relationship. If he himself left you, then there were no feelings on his part for a long time. Surely, deep down, you guessed about this, but you didn’t want to notice the alarm bells.
How to stop thinking about a man: advice from a psychologist
- Cognitive behavioral therapy
Changing your mindset is the first and most important step to healing. Understand that your experiences are not the result of a breakup, but your personal assessment of this situation. The breakup itself does not have a negative connotation, it is neutral. If you treated this person indifferently, then the separation would not have caused such a storm of emotions. You can radically change your opinion about a situation; you just need to understand that your assessment is not the truth, but only your belief. They, in turn, arise from a habitual way of thinking: you are just used to thinking that way. Cognitive behavioral therapy, which actually helps to correct your way of thinking, allows you to understand that the stereotypes that you developed during the time you were together have lost their significance. What used to be true (you were a couple) has now lost its relevance (no longer together). Now the stereotype has become false and no longer corresponds to reality.
- Self-realization
A great way to stop thinking about a guy is to find yourself as an individual. Listen to yourself: what do you really need? What have you dreamed of doing all your life? What skills are you missing? Try to explore your inner world, look inward and understand who you are and what you want. Turn your attention away from the outside and focus on your own needs. Improving yourself gives strength and confidence. Such a person knows how to set goals, achieve them, be successful and happy.
- Psychotherapy
In extreme cases, fixation on past relationships leads to mental disorders: the emergence of phobias and neuroses. If you cannot control yourself or break out of the vicious circle of obsessive thoughts, consult a psychologist or psychotherapist. A competent specialist will help you understand yourself, guide you on the right path and help you get out of depression.
Don't follow a person's life
No matter how tempted you may be to inquire about him from mutual friends and check his social networks, restrain yourself. Scraps of information about a person will only fuel your interest and raise many questions. If before you only sometimes remembered your ex, now he will firmly settle in your head.
And if information about his new passion flashes somewhere, then you will experience real mental anguish. All the work done to restore mental balance will go down the drain.
Be open to new relationships
At first, you will be disgusted even just looking at other people, not to mention physical contact. You will compare all potential candidates with your ex-partner, and the comparison will not be in their favor.
In this case, many people close themselves in a tower and stop communicating with the opposite sex altogether. When they suddenly decide to get out of captivity, it turns out that there is a vacuum around them. They lost their old social circles and did not create new ones.
Therefore, I repeat once again - continue to communicate with people. By the time you come to your senses, you will have several people who like you. You will not lose your communication skills and can easily start a new relationship. Then the remnants of feelings for your ex will finally dissolve.
Why are you thinking about this
The reasons may be different and depend on your character, the conditions of meeting your partner and external factors. But more often than not, according to The 4 main reasons why people suffer from retroactive jealousy / YouTube by Eve Thompson, a therapist specializing in retrospective jealousy, it comes down to this:
Are you afraid of being hurt?
Perhaps you had a difficult relationship with your parents, you experienced betrayal by a friend, or your previous partner was an abuser. One way or another, your body remembers this and tries to protect you from such a situation. The defense mechanism kicks in when you fall in love and begin to experience strong emotions. It is he who encourages you to sabotage relationships and avoid any potential danger.
Are you worried that you will be compared to your previous partner?
This reason is closely related to your inner beliefs, self-esteem, and attitude. If you feel insecure at the beginning of a relationship, it is likely that it will only get worse. Having learned that your significant other had other partners, you will subconsciously begin to look for flaws in yourself, worry that you will be compared with previous lovers, and decide in advance that you will be worse.
You think your partner's past is not good enough for you
In this case, you compare your partner with yourself. You feel like he's not good enough for you because he's done things in the past that are unacceptable to you. You focus on his past mistakes and devalue his achievements in the present.
You don't like that your partner has experience that you don't have
A busy past can be a serious cause for disagreement. It may seem to you that the person next to you had a brighter and more interesting life. Then you will want to quickly find a reason to break off the relationship in order to “catch up.”
You think you made the wrong choice
When you fall in love, you see everything in a rosy light and endow the person with super qualities. But then you get to know him better, and your ideas are shattered. Your partner turns out to be not ideal, but ordinary, and you don’t want to put up with it. Then you dive into the person’s past and begin to look for evidence there that he has always been selfish, unfaithful, evil, and you were simply mistaken about him.
