Good day to all! A friend of mine was once addressed for no reason at all: “What are you looking at? Should I punch you in the face?” She was naturally dumbfounded and couldn’t find anything to say. Have you ever been in a situation where you were insulted? How did you react to them, especially if it was completely random and undeserved? The topic of this article is just about this - we will understand in all the details how to react to insults, what to do and respond if this does happen to you.
COMPLETE LIST OF HUMAN SKILLS
What is insult and what types are there?
How can I determine whether a person has insulted me or not? Let's turn to the dictionary.
Insult is a careless or deliberate humiliation of a person, his feelings, and dignity. Expressed in an indecent form depending on the norms and values of society. They can insult you in writing (comments on social networks can also go “under this article”), verbally, or by some action in front of you or in your absence.
Why is the insult so offensive? It does not affect what you did, made a mistake or said, but directly affects your personality. You are evaluated negatively in a rather rude manner. This is what is considered an insult.
It is clear that you are offended by such treatment of yourself. Understandably, you will want to reciprocate. But! Stop! Is it worth it? Is IT worth it? If a person has “stooped” to the point of immediately, even sometimes without knowing you, giving you an assessment, then should you “stoop” to his level?
Sometimes it is very painful to hear. The brain immediately, in a convulsive mode, begins to look for answering words and draw up a plan for revenge. But think about why you were SO hurt by the words spoken. What specific area of your life was affected that made you react this way? Perhaps you were told this as a child, or is this an area that you have worked hard and long on?
So, decide whether to respond with aggression to aggression and insults or not to pay attention? But if a person needs to make it clear that he is specifically wrong, to carefully put in his place the person who is insulting, this can be done with humor. By the way, a smile and humor are MUCH better weapons than retaliatory aggression.
Rudeness from management
Rudeness is the most accessible way to establish yourself against another person. Therefore, if your manager is rude to you in the presence of everyone, then there is no other way to deal with it except to change the manager. In Russian corporate culture, it is absolutely useless and futile to get into an argument with a person who was initially appointed as a “commander”.
If you believe that your boss's actions have caused you moral harm, you can file a complaint with the ethics committee (if there is one) and put your resignation on the table. Or - send a statement to higher management about the inappropriate behavior of your boss, and again put your resignation letter on the table. Unfortunately, there are no other methods of protecting against this.
What if your boss is regularly rude to you, but continues to pay you good (in your opinion) money? Within the Russian system of checks and balances, money balances out rudeness. It would be too good if the salary was excellent and the boss was an ideal copied from management books, but more often than not, everything is always wrong. Therefore, if the system is equilibrium, then nothing needs to be done. And if it is unbalanced, then a resignation letter and a complaint to management should not bother you at all.
Although in my practice I have never seen a person who is humiliated be paid what he deserves. Such a situation is only permissible at the beginning of a corporate game, when you are given a conditional 100 rubles, and then they begin to test your strength and resistance to stress. If this happens on a regular basis, then you may find yourself in the position of a person who has neither bonuses nor days off.
If you find yourself drawn into these corporate movements, then you need to solve the following questions for yourself:
1) What are your personal feelings?
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2) What is the meaning of the ongoing corporate struggle?
3) What do you personally need? Are you adding value or are you bored and want to do some tinkering under your desk?
Too active self-affirmation in the workplace is also a signal that the company’s team has lost the main goal of any joint activity - to create added value.
General advice from a psychologist
In any controversial situation, try to understand the person. In the matter of insults, this rule also works. Let's look at the psychologist's advice on how to react correctly.
Master your emotions
The main goal of an aggressive person is to hurt you more. Therefore, the first advice: do not show that you are upset, control your emotions. The insult of your acquaintances will end, because the goal has not been achieved, it is not interesting to continue further.
I suggest you take Nicholas Hall's emotional intelligence test. It consists of 30 questions, the completion time is 5 minutes. The results in the second scale of “Managing your emotions” will show your level from 6 to 36.
In order to fully control your emotions, I advise you to upgrade your emotional intelligence.
Ignoring an insult
Increase your distance
If you are insulted by a stranger in order to assert yourself in front of others, do not try to prove that you are right - this will not lead to anything good. Increase your distance with this person.
“Extinguish” with a smile
If it is not possible to increase the distance, try to appear confident, confuse your opponent with your wide smile and the question: “Why are you behaving this way?” Smooth out the caustic phrases and smile.
Such a reaction will earn others respect for you, and they will be able to defend you against the offender. Remember that your peace of mind will protect you. If you “climb into the bottle”, you may not calculate the strengths and capabilities of yourself and the “aggressor”.
Be a good example
People can have many ulterior motives for their behavior. Understand that some people use rude behavior as a way to demonstrate dominance or power. They may be trying to provoke a reaction or make you appear in a negative light. Don't let them enjoy their own rage.
By being a good role model and treating everyone fairly, kindly and compassionately, you model the behavior you expect from everyone else. If people can't respond to you with the same level of civility, it may be time to move on to other people's company.
How to respond to aggression and insults in specific situations
We need to respond to insults intelligently so that the offender does not want to insult us anymore. Different situations require specific answers. Depending on where we were offended, we may respond differently. For example, insults in the family are perceived more painfully than from a stranger. A loved one knows how to hurt us in a conflict.
At school
Studying at school was always accompanied by name-calling, nicknames, labels and insults. Especially in adolescence, children become callous to the suffering of others (under the influence of bad company), vindictive, and susceptible to insults.
You need to react to insults at school so as not to give yourself a reason to joke about yourself in the future. Your answer should show that you have self-esteem.
For example, they tease you for your protruding ears and call you “big ears.” You can retort: “It’s a pity that yours are so small and you can’t enjoy super hearing,” “How did you manage to keep yours so small?” This is the “phrase return” method, when you return the offender’s phrase regarding himself. You can say it seriously, but you can also say it with irony and sarcasm.
Or classmates say to a child at school the phrase: “Bespectacled!” Parry: “Glasses complement my smart face!”, “Envy silently!”, “Would you like to try on glasses?” After sarcasm, it’s better to leave with the air of a winner while your opponent is shocked by the return of the joke. If you chose a serious tone and used the last phrase, you can philosophize with a confident look.
Confidence and calm will help you not react to negativity and insults; this skill is especially needed by teenagers.
Negativity from husband/man
Often women find themselves the object of ridicule and insults from a psychopathic husband. Although many of them can “go away” and forget about this subject, there are those who are forced to endure. Receiving verbal “slaps” from the man you love is very painful. Firstly, after such words you need to think about whether he is loving? Secondly, you should learn to answer your husband in such a way that this does not happen again.
It is better to nip drunken insults from a man in the bud. There is no need for demagogy here, and the best option is to go to another room, room, carriage, street, etc. Any communication with a person in an inadequate state can lead to problems. I repeat, any! Even if you're just staring.
What to answer if your ex-husband insults and humiliates you? He certainly has his reasons - a happy person does not oppress others. Therefore, respond to an insult sharply and to the point: “You are a spender, how much money can you throw away?” - “Judging by yourself is a thankless task!”, “Cow, look at yourself!” - “I need to match you!”
At work
We may encounter negativity at work. This mainly occurs due to envy or other vices. If you are constantly humiliated, you need to respond to insults gracefully. Here are examples:
- “From now on, trouble awaits you, I’m not threatening, I know!”
- “If you have nothing more to say, then you can show your mind limited by insults!”
- Situation: a work colleague constantly emphasizes the shortcomings of clothing: “Couldn’t you wear anything better? Did you buy it at the Katerina flea market?”, in your phrase, focus on the person’s experiences: “Apparently you know better where I got it, you understand flea markets so well!”
- Any phrases said with sarcasm for no particular reason can touch on the plane of the relationship: “Wow, apparently I really hurt you somewhere, since you decided to hurt me so much!” And this should be said with sincere surprise and a smile, showing that the goal has not been achieved.
When you are under the threat of humiliation from your boss, there is little pleasant. Dominant people know how to push. In this situation, you can continue to fulfill your duties clearly and try to reach the level of the soul: ask what exactly causes such a reaction in him. Be persistent by continuing to ask about it, regardless of his words.
Negativity from your boss at work
In the Internet
On the World Wide Web in various chats and forums, insults are found quite often. This is due to the relative impunity on the Internet. I myself have encountered situations more than once when in the comments people do not hesitate to show the limitations of their mind. Advice: don’t stoop to their level, why would you later regret what you said or wrote.
Try to appeal to the person’s adequacy, I understand that it can be difficult, but it is possible. There are generally accepted values that this person may still have. For example: “The evil manifested by you will return to you.”
On the Internet, you can use the tactic of returning an insult: “You’re already old!” - “Yes, let’s communicate like father and daughter. It’s cool for a guy to have a big age difference!”
“You... (swear word)!” - “But you’re not like that, are you? Or do you still have doubts?” Swearing does not lead to good, it only gives rise to a new round of aggression; it is not for nothing that in Orthodoxy they are considered a curse.
Negative from a girl/woman
Representatives of the fair sex, if desired, can skillfully touch the heart of the most balanced person. You may receive sharp phrases from your mother, with whom you have a bad relationship, your lover’s wife (well, that’s understandable!), your girlfriend, etc. Often daughters-in-law are “under attack” from their mother-in-law. The correct reaction is what will save your reputation and nerves.
You can emphasize the lost relationship: “It’s a pity, I had a better opinion of you!”, “Oh, I didn’t expect such aggression from you, it doesn’t decorate you at all!”, “I hope tomorrow you will regret what you just said” and others.
For more ideas on how to respond to insults, watch the video.
Don't take rudeness personally
The first step to stopping the cycle of rudeness is to stop taking rude behavior personally. We all have bad days when it feels like the whole world is trying to knock you down. At such moments, there is a great temptation to throw out all this negativity to the outside world, which often means throwing it out at the person closest to you.
It happens to all of us, so understanding the fact that a rude person may just be having a bad day can completely shift your perspective. Perhaps they were going through something difficult, and it was at that moment that you fell into their lap. You can often break the cycle of incivility by avoiding responding to bad behavior with your own negativity.
Phrases for all occasions
Are you being offended, but you don’t know how to respond? Here is a selection of different phrases that will help you get out of the situation:
- Stinging phrases in response to an insult: “While you were telling me about my merits, I managed to get enough sleep,” “What a stupid and idiotic phrase, I liked it, I’ll refer to you,” “Oh, you amazed me, I thought you were a little smarter, but you don’t have it at all.”
- Funny and with sarcasm: “Yes, your son definitely takes after you in this”, “I’m just embarrassed - in your presence I look too smart and talented”, “Are you an artist or are you just showing off?”; sneeze and say with a smile: “Sorry, I’m allergic to people like you.”
- Philosophical: “I hope you want to look worse than you really are,” “The time will come, you will realize that you were wrong.”
- Worthy: “You didn’t dirty me, you showed your dirt,” “I’m glad that you were able to assert yourself at my expense!”
Method one. “More precisely, even more precisely”
Ask the boor a clarifying question. Then another one. And further. And further. And so on ad infinitum. For example, very often, when a dispute runs out of arguments, one of the participants puts forward a seemingly undeniable argument: “If you are so smart, show your money!” In response, you can ask what amount will suit him? Is a gold card suitable or do I need cash? In dollars or euros? Are rubles considered? At which bank's rate? Do you need a tax return? The main thing is to remain calm and smile if possible. Your task is to tire the boor with endless clarifications. As a result, the last word is yours and without any rudeness.
What should I do if I couldn’t respond to humiliation?
It is not always appropriate to respond to humiliation. If you can't find an answer, maybe that's for the best. Often a person does not realize why he insults, he himself feels bad about it, but he does not admit it even to himself. Sometimes silence in response to humiliation “sounds” louder than a microphone.
If you are still tempted to answer, try to do it calmly, without stooping below your dignity and moral principles. When faced with trolling or provocations, the best behavior is to ignore.
I just ask you, don’t make excuses if you’re not guilty. And when you are guilty, you should not make excuses, but apologize. Proving to another person that he is being unfair to you is almost impossible until he himself understands this. Therefore, do not allow yourself to be humiliated by your own excuses.
And also, if there was a conflict with a loved one, you heard insults addressed to you in a state of nervous system excitement and you yourself lost your temper, do not rush to burn bridges. It is much easier to destroy a relationship than to build one again. Try to understand the reason why the conflict situation occurred.
Big game element
Rudeness can also be an element of a big game within a team - the “human pack”. When a cheerful and toothy employee constantly fights for his status, his boss may ask: “He is very playful and greyhound. Can he claim my place? Such behavior always causes more fear than desire to admire. The boss will even be glad if the subordinate stumbles a little in this struggle. It is beneficial for him to deplete the moral resources of a potential rival. And he won't defend him for the same reason. He is guided by a very simple motive: for any corporate friction to truly affect the quality of work and the creation of added value, real bullying must flare up. Therefore, any boss is ready to allow insignificant “showdowns” and minor conflicts that do not lead to a decrease in labor productivity: it is beneficial for him if a greyhound employee “breaks his teeth” on someone: he cries, screams, hysterics. He will lose part of his moral and volitional core temporarily and will cease to be a competitor.
How to learn to respond to insults and aggression and communicate effectively
Completing training helps you learn how to respond to people’s rudeness and not be afraid. They also teach how to respond to a person’s insult so that he feels ashamed.
The online intensive “Effective Communication” is suitable for:
- Entrepreneurs, executives, top managers.
- For those who work with clients, middle managers, and freelancers.
- To everyone who is involved in raising children.
- Anyone who wants to improve their communication with others.
The author of the course is Oleg Kalinichev, an expert in nonverbal behavior, emotional intelligence and lie detection. Accredited trainer Paul Ekman International. Managing Director of Paul Ekman International in Russia (PEI Russia).
You will learn:
- Communicate with closed people.
- Coping with daily problems involving other people.
- Influence your environment and much more.
The course lasts 1 month and contains 33 video lectures, 26 exercises, 6 tests + webinars with emotional intelligence experts.
The training consists of 4 blocks:
- Emotions. Basics.
- Emotional stability and emotional flexibility.
- Social efficiency.
- Building harmonious relationships.
How it goes:
- You are watching video lectures.
- Then you complete independent tasks to reinforce the material.
- Participate in webinars and discuss difficult issues.
- Take tests on the material you have studied.
- You complete the intensive course and receive a certificate.
The cost of completing it independently is 1,040 rubles, with a curator – 2,370 rubles.
They will refund your money if you decide within 7 days that the course is not suitable for you.
What motivates boors? Such a person most often thinks poorly of himself
Most often, a person with boorish behavior is guided by his fears: being rejected, being left alone, being misunderstood - this is difficult, this is another psychological trauma. And, in order to prevent it, a person, using such a crooked method, defends himself.
With the help of feigned rudeness and rudeness, a person masks his own self-doubt and low self-esteem. Through bravado and outrageousness, he tries to avoid direct contact with others, in which he can reveal his real self. And such a person most often thinks poorly about himself - that’s why he is afraid that he will be rejected and not accepted.
That is, if I myself am afraid of something, I will strenuously demonstrate the opposite in order to certainly create the desired impression of myself. In this case, a person can doom himself to loneliness - embittered and rude people do not have many friends. Around him will be gathered either people like him, or weak people, “subordinates”, who will look up to him and feed his ego.
In addition, there may be an illusion that rudeness is a sign of strength and power, an attribute of the “higher stratum” of society: supposedly people who have achieved something can afford such behavior. And a person who wants to join this layer and position himself as successful and self-confident can indulge in boorish behavior, letting others know that they are nobody and can be treated like that.
6) Ignore
You are not obligated to respond when you are rude. Sometimes silence is the most appropriate answer. When we respond to rudeness with rudeness, we join the game that the boor has imposed on us. You can simply ignore him, thereby showing that his opinion is insignificant to you. You can ignore the person and respond only when he begins to behave more correctly. A provocateur may change his behavior to earn your attention. Of course, this does not always work and you need to act based on the situation and the specific person.
Reasons for rudeness: why people are rude
When we encounter outright rudeness, the first reaction is usually either to be rude in response or to fall into a stupor. Whatever tactic you choose, it makes sense to first understand why the person behaved this way. Every behavior has its reasons. And most often they all lie in childhood. Let's consider the possible reasons for rudeness.
Many in their youth lacked care and love. If, for example, a boy did not receive proper attention from his parents in childhood, with age he will turn into an alienated man. He will want to be noticed so much that he will get involved in any quarrel or conflict. Without long-term psychotherapy, such a person is doomed to spend his entire life proving to his own mother that he “exists.” Now his behavior is a way to get attention.
Life hacks for spouses
One of the popular conflict problems for women is how to respond to a husband’s rudeness. If this is an exception to the rule, you should be wise, listen and have compassion. Men have many problems: work, money, car repairs, etc. You need to either advise something or remain silent, and also demonstrate love and care, and help you relax. If this is the norm, and the husband ignores attempts to talk and understand the reasons, a radical solution to the problem is quite appropriate. You don’t have to file for divorce right away; you can live separately temporarily. And in no case should you respond to rudeness with rudeness.
It happens that spouses suffer. In such situations, you need to protect yourself by avoiding offense. Sometimes you need to protect your wife too. The most important thing: calmness and no use of force. It is likely that its changes are characteristic of a certain state of the body, then it is best to be attentive and caring. It may be useful to change the environment, spend time alone, and make the woman feel loved and needed. If the behavior is chronic, conversations are needed. Openness and sincerity are the best cures for misunderstandings.
