“Witness” your interlocutor’s feelings
We all know how difficult it is to find yourself in a situation where you need to console someone, but you can’t find the right words.
Fortunately, most often people do not expect specific advice from us. It is important for them to feel that someone understands them, that they are not alone. So first, just describe how you feel. For example, using the following phrases: “I know that it’s very difficult for you now,” “I’m sorry that it’s so difficult for you.” This way you will make it clear that you really see what it’s like for your loved one right now.
Accident
In your own words
* * * Honey, you will get better and soon we will be running to discos :) * * * Everything will be fine, it’s no one’s fault that this happened! * * * The Guardian Angel protects you, because he gave you a chance to live. * * * Nothing terrible happened, everyone is alive, and this is the most important thing. * * * I’ll come to you for tea, bring cookies and heal you :)
In verse
People, cherish every day, Cherish every minute. We only live once on earth, Rejoice, morning has come again!
God gave life and blessed us, so that we could walk the righteous path. It’s not in vain that He instilled a soul in us, To ask later, beyond that threshold.
We must live, love, help each other, it cannot be otherwise. And for this - God's grace, And you will become richer spiritually.
The years will fly by unnoticed, Rejoice and enjoy life! Don’t be stingy with kind words, make everyone happy and smile more often!
Help a loved one understand the problem
Even if a person is looking for ways to resolve a difficult situation, first he just needs to talk it out. This especially applies to women.
So wait to offer solutions to the problem and listen. This will help the person you are comforting understand their feelings. After all, sometimes it is easier to understand your own experiences by telling others about them. By answering your questions, the interlocutor can find some solutions himself, understand that everything is not as bad as it seems, and simply feel relieved.
Here are some phrases and questions that can be used in this case:
- Tell me what happened.
- Tell me what's bothering you.
- What led to this?
- Help me understand how you feel.
- What scares you the most?
At the same time, try to avoid questions with the word “why”; they are too similar to judgment and will only anger the interlocutor.
Advice from psychologists
Advice from psychologists is never superfluous if friends are confused in their actions and do not know how to calm their friend down.
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A few recommendations:
- You shouldn't leave your friend lying on the couch and being sad alone. We need to come up with a new hobby for her that will captivate her.
- Avoid excessive drinking. Strong drinks do not cure, but only temporarily dull mental pain, causing addiction. In a state of intoxication, a girl is capable of the most incredible actions, which she will probably regret in the future.
- The Comforter does not need to talk in detail about her personal experience. The friend will still think that her suffering cannot be compared with others.
- It is not recommended to remember your ex-partner. If a girl herself wants to talk about him, then it is better to listen to her, but refrain from commenting. So she will understand that there is no point in talking about him.
- Do not allow your friend to seek meetings with your lover. He can tell her all sorts of stupid things that will make her even more upset. Or it will give false hope for reconciliation.
When a girl has no idea what to do next, how to live with pain in her soul, psychologists recommend solving the problem with a pen and a blank sheet of paper. To do this, you need to divide the sheet into three columns:
- In the first column write all the negative aspects of the breakup.
- In the second, what positive aspects she sees in the guy’s departure.
- The latter contains plans and dreams.
For example, note that the guy left, but now there is extra free time in the evenings. Hours can be spent on things that have always been put off until later - meeting with friends, learning a new language, reading books, fitness, swimming, hobbies. Awareness of this fact will have a positive effect on the girl’s psychological state.
A friend needs to be prepared for an unexpected meeting with her ex-man. He should see her beautiful, cheerful, with a gorgeous figure and a burning gaze. His surprise and annoyance will serve as an excellent balm for a wounded soul. Therefore, you shouldn’t be sad on the couch, you need to act.
Do not minimize the suffering of your interlocutor and do not try to make him laugh
When we encounter the tears of a loved one, we, quite naturally, want to cheer him up or convince him that his problems are not so terrible. But what seems trivial to us can often upset others. So don't minimize another person's suffering.
What if someone is really worried about a trifle? Ask if there is any information that conflicts with his view of the situation. Then offer your opinion and share an alternative way out. It is very important here to clarify whether they want to hear your opinion, otherwise it may seem too aggressive.
What if it’s not just anxiety, but a panic attack?
A panic attack is an intense collection of physical symptoms of anxiety, such as a racing heart, sweating, dizziness, chest pain, or a feeling of suffocation. They can appear out of the blue and make a person think they are going crazy, having a heart attack, or about to die. Typically this condition reaches its peak within 10 minutes.
If you are around someone who is experiencing a panic attack, you can try the same techniques described above to help them calm down. You can also encourage him to breathe slowly and deeply. Take him by the hands, establish eye contact, thereby isolating him from the “evil” world and begin to breathe slowly with him. There is a chance that by adjusting to your breathing, the person will calm down on his own.
Don't show the person that you are scared by this situation and don't know what to do. Even if you are very scared, showing your fear to a person with a panic attack will make the situation much worse. You need to find strength within yourself and show that you are calm, that you are in control of the situation, that everything will be fine.
Offer physical support if appropriate
Sometimes people don’t want to talk at all, they just need to feel that there is a loved one nearby. In such cases, it is not always easy to decide how to behave.
Your actions should correspond to your usual behavior with a particular person. If you are not too close, putting your hand on your shoulder or giving him a light hug will suffice. Also look at the behavior of the other person, perhaps he himself will make it clear what he needs.
Remember that you should not be too zealous when consoling your significant other: your partner may take this for flirting and be offended.
To my beloved girlfriend/wife
In your own words
* * * My beloved, everything will be fine, you are strong! I'm always there, remember that! * * * Honey, you can always rely on me! * * * Remember: we invent our own problems, obstacles, complexes and frameworks. Free yourself - breathe life and realize that you can do anything. I love you and that's all that matters. * * * You are the best woman for me in the whole world, remember that. Smile and never be sour.
* * * Darling, there will always be people who will hurt you. You need to continue to trust people, just be a little more careful. * * * The secret of happiness, my dear, is to enjoy every little thing and not be upset by every stupid thing. * * * You are the best man in the world. And for the best, everything will be fine. You just need to be patient a little. Remember - sugar is at the bottom. In the meantime, you have me, and we can handle it.
In verse
* * * If only, darling, I could, In a moment when it’s so hard for you, I could put two wings under your tired wing. If only I could clear the clouds over you, so that you would forget all the worries of the day and peace would return again. It's a pity, but I'm just a woman - not God, I'm with you in my heart, and you hold on. So that you can withstand the storm, I pray quietly for your life. * * * Who is it that hangs his nose so low? Who is sad for no apparent reason? I want you to be cheerful again, don’t come up with stupid things! Let your mood soar, Look at the colors in life again! Happiness awaits ahead, Well, quickly give me a smile! * * *
There is no point at any point.
And a glass for success ahead.
Suggest ways to solve the problem
If a person only needs your support and not specific advice, the above steps may be sufficient. By sharing your experiences, your interlocutor will feel relieved.
Ask if there is anything else you can do. If the conversation takes place in the evening, and most often this happens, suggest going to bed. As you know, the morning is wiser than the evening.
If your advice is needed, ask first if the interlocutor himself has any ideas. Decisions are made more readily when they come from someone who is themselves in a controversial situation. If the person you are comforting is unclear about what can be done in their situation, help develop specific steps. If he doesn’t know what to do at all, offer your options.
If a person is sad not because of a specific event, but because they are depressed, immediately move on to discussing specific actions that can help. Or suggest doing something, like going for a walk together. Unnecessary thinking will not only not help get rid of depression, but, on the contrary, will aggravate it.
How to quickly and reliably calm an angry person
“An effective strategy for controlling anger relies on focusing attention on the angry person. You should give him the opportunity to vent his anger and at the same time try to correct the situation that led to the outburst of rage, says Jack Schafer, professor of psychology, former special agent, author of the book “Turn on Charm the Secret Service Method.” “This approach breaks the vicious circle and allows you to resolve a critical situation without spoiling the relationship.”
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It’s true, if in the course of resolving a conflict you manage to elevate your opponent in his own eyes, then you can not only calm him down, but even please him. And here's how you can do it.
Do not try to explain anything to an angry person: he is not able to think sensibly.
Anger triggers the body's fight-or-flight response, which physically and mentally prepares a person for conflict. At the moment of this reaction, the body reacts to the threat instinctively.
As danger increases, a person’s ability to think rationally completely disappears. Angry people behave the same way because anger is a reaction to a real or perceived threat. They speak and act without reasoning, and the degree of cognitive impairment depends on the intensity of the anger.
The more angry a person is, the less inclined he is to logically comprehend information. In such a state, people do not notice the obvious, because their mind is darkened.
Give him time.
An angry person needs about 20 minutes to calm down and regain the ability to think clearly. He will not accept any explanations, solutions or ways to resolve the conflict until he regains control of his mind.
Offer a simple solution right away.
People always want to feel like they are in control of the situation. An angry person seeks lost meaning and order in the world. The inability to get back on track causes confusion, and confusion is expressed as anger.
Giving an explanation for this behavior or voicing the problem often helps restore the previous picture of the world and cool down the anger.
If a simple solution does not help, formulate a “compassionate statement.”
When an angry person hears that you understand him, he is initially surprised and confused. If sympathy is expressed unexpectedly, it may even arouse suspicion. But if you back up your words, it becomes difficult for a person not to appreciate the opponent’s participation. Empathy quickly leads to trust.
Assess the emotional state of the interlocutor.
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This will greatly help to express sympathy without being too false. Be empathic and learn to recognize the nuances: anger can consist of different emotions (resentment, rage, sadness, wounded pride, etc.). You can use this to guide the person to the solution you need.
Pay attention to verbal and nonverbal reactions. Watch for the slightest changes in facial expressions.
Listen to the modulations of the voice and the use of certain words that express emotions.
Let the angry person blow off steam.
Most likely, you won't be able to let off steam at once. Remember that the first shock is usually the strongest. It allows a person to release tension, get rid of most of the anger and enter into dialogue. Subsequent times are less intense, especially if you don’t add more wood to the furnace of anger.
After each release there is a natural pause that should be filled with a sympathetic statement.
An angry person will throw out even more anger, although each time the intensity of the outbursts will decrease. This must be done until the anger subsides completely. A sigh, a long exhalation, hunched shoulders and a downcast gaze indicate that the anger has dried up.
Make a guess.
The assumption directs the thinking of an angry person towards resolving the conflict. It must be formulated in such a way that the interlocutor cannot deviate from the course of action imposed on him.
The ability to make assumptions requires active listening skills, since the assumption made directs the power of anger towards a resolution of the conflict that is acceptable to both parties.
The assumption must be formulated in such a way that it is difficult for a person to refuse the recommendation.
Here's how, for example, you can apply this technique in a work situation:
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Manager: I expected your report to be ready this morning. Your behavior is unacceptable (anger)
.
Subordinate: I couldn't finish the report because I didn't receive data from the sales department. They were promised to be sent within an hour (simple explanation)
.
Leader: That's not an excuse. I had to go to the sales department and ask for data. You must understand how important it was for me to receive the report this morning. I have an appointment with a client this afternoon. I don’t know what to do now (rejects the proposed explanation)
.
Subordinate: You are upset because the client is expecting a report this afternoon (sympathetic statement)
.
Leader: Yes. You put me in an awkward position (blowing off steam)
.
Subordinate: You are disappointed because you expected to receive my report in the morning (sympathetic statement)
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Leader: Exactly! That's the whole point (slouches and sighs; steam has finally been let off)
.
Subordinate: I'll go down to the sales department right away and finish the report within an hour. Most likely, I will have time to give it to you before the client arrives (assumption)
.
Leader: Okay. See what can be done (the anger has finally subsided)
.
“Some people feel they are giving up their power and authority if they use nudges rather than intimidation,” says Marvin Carlins, a professor of management at the University of South Florida, a doctorate in psychology at Princeton University, and co-author of Charm the Secret Service. " “But thanks to the fact that a person has gotten rid of anger, he agrees to submit voluntarily.
Not only does this increase your authority, it also reduces the likelihood that the angry person will become even more angry and insubordinate.
By allowing the person to blow off steam, you increase the likelihood that he will agree with your decision and feel that you treated him with due respect. You can't think of a better outcome for the confrontation.
Practice breathing techniques
Breathing exercises are often recommended as a way to cope with stress, but not everyone wants or can do it alone. Learn a few techniques and invite a friend to practice them together. Start first, and your friend will see that this is not such a stupid idea.
One of the simplest exercises: breathing 4-7-8. Exhale completely through your mouth, then inhale for four counts. Hold your breath for 7 counts, and then exhale, counting to 8. A couple of repetitions are enough to come to your senses. Heroine has already told you more about other popular simple breathing techniques.
Organize a tea party
A soothing herbal tea will be a good accompaniment for a friendly conversation. For example, chamomile tea has been shown to bind to the same brain receptors as the drug Valium. Of course, the effect of herbs is not as powerful as that of tranquilizers, but there is no harm. Make calming tea ceremonies regular; over time, herbal infusions will help reduce anxiety.
What should you write to someone who has been fired from their job?
Losing a job often causes negative emotions. There is a selection of messages suitable for cheering up a fired person:
- Don't be sad, it's for the better. This work did not reveal, but suppressed your potential. You need something more suitable to suit your abilities;
- It's OK! With your intelligence, good experience and many positive qualities, if you search seriously, you will soon find a new place that will be much better. I wouldn’t be surprised if in a week you’ll be in another company in a higher position;
- Don't worry so much! It is not difficult for you to find a job with a similar salary and closer to your home. You will also feel joy from the fact that you will stop wasting a lot of time on the road and will put the saved hours to good use;
- Judging by your stories, they didn’t treat you well there. Stop wasting your life on such a thankless pastime. You deserve a place where the conditions and treatment of employees will be much better;
- Don't worry too much! It’s better to spend your nerves searching for vacancies. There are many sites with similar information. Register, send out your details and quickly get settled again. This is not a reason to worry.
