How to quickly stop loving someone? Practical advice

This article is part of the One on One project. In it we talk about relationships with ourselves and others. If the topic is close to you, share your story or opinion in the comments. Will wait!

Love sometimes goes away. It's not about betrayal, not about someone on the side. It’s just that at first the person does not evoke the former joy. Then it starts to get annoying. I no longer want to rush home after work and spend time together. General jokes stop being funny and nicknames stop being funny. Perhaps feelings are cooling down for both partners, but at different speeds. It’s just that while one is still in doubt, the other admits to himself and the person next to him that the fire has gone out. And it hurts everyone.

When a couple breaks up, usually all the sympathy and support goes to the person they left. There are many articles with advice on how to cope with being unloved. But the one who has fallen out of love often falls out of the spotlight, although he may suffer no less. Together with psychologists, we figure out how to find out that there are no more feelings, and what to do about it.

How to understand that there really are no feelings left

The only way is to understand yourself. This can be done independently or with a specialist.

According to psychologist Anna Smetannikova, sometimes the feeling that love has passed can be caused by accumulated and unspoken claims and emotions. It happens that a person is going through a period of crisis, is tired in general and spreads these feelings to his partner. It may seem that if it weren’t for your soulmate, life would have been completely different. And this makes you think that there is no more love. Finally, often the cause is a banal habit.

Andrey Smirnov

psychologist.

Often the feeling that you have fallen out of love appears when you have too close and too long contact with your partner. When people live together for a long time, they get used to each other and may not notice the good things that exist. As they say, what we have, we don’t keep; when we lose, we cry. This is a very true and vital statement.

Therefore, when thinking about it, you need to take grievances and conflicts out of the equation and decide whether the feelings have really faded away. Here are a few signs by which you can recognize this:

• You no longer want to spend time with your partner. You have little interest in everything connected with him.
• When you think about the future, there is no place for a partner, at least in the optimistic scenario.
• You feel worse with a partner than without him, or at least simply no better than alone.
• It seems to you that there is nothing more to expect from this relationship.
• You notice all the weaknesses and shortcomings of your partner and are not ready to forgive them. At the same time, you meet his efforts with indifference.
• When you think that your partner will stop loving you or meet someone else and leave, you experience joy and a sense of relief.
• You meet quarrels with indifference and irritation, you no longer make efforts to get around sharp corners and not offend.
• You feel sorry for wasting time, money, and mental strength on your partner.

To love/to fall out of love - terminological reference

He knew that for him all the girls in the world are divided into two types: one type is all the girls in the world except her, and these have all human weaknesses, and the girls are very ordinary; another type - she is alone, without any weaknesses and above everything human.

L. N. Tolstoy “Anna Karenina”

Love is often talked about as something external, unpredictable, like the weather. Will you ever get a chance to truly love? Is the couple facing a gradual cold snap? Or a sudden ice age? Or a sluggish thaw for years? Can we ourselves influence the temperature of our feelings?

To understand that something has ended, you need to decide what it was. And what do you really want? At the beginning of a relationship, you are overwhelmed by a warm wave of energy, a surge of strength, and an impulse to act in order to achieve reciprocity and consolidate it. Run, fly, do to please your loved one, become a reason for his smile, the reason for his happiness!

What flowers does she like? Would he prefer a movie or a concert? I won’t call early - he’s a night owl. I wanted to go to the mountains, but we’ll go to the sea - if only her eyes would shine!

Cherry strudel or cottage cheese casserole, an evening in a noisy company or a tete-a-tete walk under the stars, old work or a new personal project - every small and large choice is now automatically consistent with the interests of your other half. You try to guess and accurately hit the desires of your loved one, you want to become his personal genie. Be worthy of his/her choice. To kiss your beloved creature again and again.

If you are drawn to a person with an irresistible force, then there are no arguments with your own ego: “Why should I give in?! What about my desires?!” Your “wants” are not left deprived for two reasons:

• if the feelings are mutual, both start a program of “total happiness” for the other, both strive to give each other warmth, which means there are no losers;
• By pleasing a partner to whom there is a natural attraction, we are guaranteed to receive our own joy: a man - a desired woman, a woman - a feeling of safety and security next to her beloved man.

The basic definitions for relationships are extremely simple: to love is to make another happy, then to fall out of love is to feel that you can no longer give a person what fills him.

Two are like one soul, otherwise why?

When concepts are confused, guidelines shift, and dissatisfaction arises in relationships and in life in general.

Who is to blame for the fact that feelings have faded away

In a difficult situation, one of the common human reactions is to assign responsibility for what is happening. There are two participants in a relationship, so there are only two options: you can blame yourself or your partner for everything. And in both cases it will be a mistake.

Andrey Smirnov

It is useless to look for those who are right and those who are guilty. Everyone is right in their own way, but the relationship has outlived its usefulness. It's better to part ways in a civilized manner. There should be no feeling of guilt. How it happened is how it happened, nothing can be done about it.

TOP 6 women's mistakes in communicating with men

Now I will share with you the most popular female mistakes that most women make when communicating with a man. If you made at least one of the mistakes in your relationship with a man, then this is a reason to think that you need to change your line of behavior.

1) She needs a relationship more

If a girl needs a relationship more than a man, then she has lost. When a girl needs a man, but he doesn’t need her, this is a broadcast of her low value. A man immediately loses interest when he sees need.

The correct behavior on the part of a woman is the following: if a man shows attention and shows interest, then it is logical to reciprocate. But when a man moves away and shows signs of disinterest, then you need to move away in return and also convey disinterest.

Otherwise, you can kill your importance.

2) She invests more

If a girl invests more into communicating with a man than he does, then this is a mistake. She calls more often, writes more, even her SMS are larger in volume than his, she thinks about him more, does more of everything. But human nature is designed in such a way that we are interested in the people in whom we invest, and not in the people who invest in us. Therefore, you need to not invest in a man, trying to please his whims and trying to live up to his standards. Do everything the other way around - let him invest and try to please him (I talk in detail about how to do this in my book).

I also recommend reading: How to make a man fall in love with you? (Opens in a new tab)

3)Adjusts to it

Many girls, when they are in love, make the following mistake - they try to meet the criteria of a man and his standards. But the paradox is that when you try to please someone, they lose interest in you. There is no need to adapt to a man, always do what you want. A self-sufficient person never tries to meet someone else’s standards; on the contrary, she makes her demands on others and is in an evaluative position.

4) She is a seller

There are two positions in a relationship: the seller's position and the buyer's position.

The seller wants to please, impress, please, he doesn’t choose, it’s always the buyer who chooses. This is why the seller's value is always lower.

The buyer chooses, evaluates, makes a decision, they try to please him, but not the other way around. The buyer thinks in terms of surplus. There are many resources and I have to choose the best for myself. This is why the buyer's value is higher. After all, it is he who is in the evaluating position.

And many girls communicate with men from the position of a salesperson. They want to show off their best sides, they want to meet his standards, they try to please him. This behavior kills the woman's value and the man loses interest in her.

5) Jealousy

Jealousy is a natural, biological phenomenon that is common to all people. But there is pathological and groundless jealousy, which betrays self-doubt and conveys low value. Every time a girl shows a man scenes of jealousy, she kills her importance in the relationship.

Don’t be jealous, on the contrary, create competition for yourself, make the man jealous of you, but not the other way around.

I also recommend reading: How to get rid of jealousy (Opens in a new tab)

6) Proving

If a girl tries to prove something to a man (her love, devotion, their compatibility), then she destroys her feminine value in the bud. The one who proves his value is always low. Men love confident and self-sufficient women who will not go out of their way just to prove their devotion and feelings to a man. Such behavior is simply unacceptable when communicating with a man.

And this is only a small part of the mistakes that women make when communicating with a man. Never make such mistakes and it will be much easier for you to build relationships with the opposite sex.

How to talk to your partner

If you're not sure you've fallen out of love

Anna Smetannikova invites you to honestly share your experiences. Point out that the problem is not with your partner. You just need time to figure yourself out.

Anna Smetannikova

clinical psychologist.

Only by talking with your partner can you find the best solution for your couple. Find out together whether you want to preserve what is left of your feelings, or whether it is not worth the effort.

If you both have something to value in this relationship and are ready to try to save it, start as soon as possible. Seeing a family psychologist or couples relationship counselor may help. But if this option is not for you, then talk honestly with your partner about everything that has accumulated between you. Start spending more time with each other. Find out (or remember) how each of you understands love: for some it’s warm words, for some it’s gifts, for others it’s hugs.

If there were grievances and quarrels between you, but you are ready to forgive them and be together, do it. If there are circumstances that you think cannot be forgiven, then the best solution is not to waste time on such a relationship. Although the choice is always yours.

Illustration: Guridova Anna / Lifehacker

If you are sure that you have fallen out of love

Even if you no longer love a person, their presence is something to be reckoned with. And the main thing here is to remember that your partner is not your enemy, he is not to blame for anything. You spent some time together, you were probably happy, so he deserves respect and careful treatment.

Anna Smetannikova advises talking about yourself and your feelings gently and at the same time categorically. Present the person with a fact, and do not turn the conversation into a dialogue. Otherwise, the partner may begin to make excuses or make some promises in the hope that everything can be fixed.

Anna Smetannikova

There is no point in sorting things out and making accusations, just as there is no point in making excuses. Allow the person to react the way they want: get up and leave or talk. But let go and accept his words and actions with a clear inner intention that this is your decision and cannot be changed.

It happens that you decide to leave, but you put off the conversation: you don’t know how to approach it, and you are tormented by remorse. In this case, think about how much of your time and your partner’s time you are willing to spend on prolonging this agony, which will still end in a breakup. If you are afraid, sort out your fears. You can directly write them down on a piece of paper. What are you afraid of? What's the worst thing that can happen? And is that worse than living in an unhappy relationship for both of you?

The longer you delay the conversation, the more difficult and severe the consequences of your insincerity will be. In any case, your significant other will have a hard time, especially if there are children, jointly acquired property, or a business. But the sooner you talk after you're sure you've fallen out of love, the better. After all, your personal happy life and the life of your former loved one are at stake. Even if for now you manage to create the illusion that nothing has changed, over time this will become increasingly difficult, so that the relationship will sooner or later turn into suffering for both.

Why is it so hard to let go?

Initially, the whole problem lies in the biochemical processes of the body. After all, immediately after parting, it continues to produce substances responsible for feelings of affection and care. You still want to touch your chosen one, feel his presence. You don’t yet understand how to cool down towards the person you love and stop thinking about him.

It also matters how long you lived together and what kind of relationship you had. If you intuitively felt that everything was coming to an end, these are just feelings. And if your chosen one left suddenly, then the question “why” will torment you for a long time.

Many people mistake love addiction for a deep feeling. It seems to them that they cannot live without a partner, they are tormented by doubts and regrets. A lot of time and effort is spent on self-flagellation. What to do to get out of this state as quickly as possible?

What to do if after breaking up it turns out that you still love

After all the talking and the breakup, you may realize that the feelings haven't faded away. Perhaps you were in a hurry, and now you feel an oppressive emptiness. In this case, it is worth trying to renew the relationship.

Andrey Smirnov

Often, imaginary pride does not allow one to take the first step towards reconciliation. It is worth discarding: life is not too long to spend it in suffering. It doesn’t matter who takes the first step towards reconciliation - a man or a woman. And the second partner should also show understanding and generosity. Often, after such outbursts with a break, feelings even flare up with renewed vigor.

If your partner is against it, move on to the next point, it will also suit you.

Illustration: Anna Guridova / Lifehacker

How to evoke feelings in a man and make him fall in love with you?

Many people believe that falling in love is a process that happens on its own. Love either exists or it doesn’t. But that's not true. A feeling of love can be evoked in a person if you know which “buttons” of his unconscious to press and how to behave correctly with him. Any girl can make a man fall in love with her. The main thing is to know how to do it. You can make the right man fall in love with you and make him afraid of losing you.

Over the course of 6 months, I wrote a book on the topic of falling in love in order to present the information in the most understandable and simple language possible. There is no fluff in the book, only practical and useful information, using which you can make the right man fall in love with you.

E-book “How to make a man fall in love with you?”

Book description: 137 pages of text that will help you change your personal life. You will learn how to become the kind of woman that any man will be crazy about. Do you want a man to invest in you, give gifts, appreciate, respect and be afraid of losing? All this can be achieved if you know HOW. You need to increase your value and significance, correctly influence the male unconscious, communicate with a man in an evaluative frame and evoke strong feelings in him.

In the book I provide not only a large layer of vital theoretical information, but also practice. You will learn: how to behave correctly on a date, how to correspond with a man, how to use intrigue, increase your value in his eyes, and much, much more.

The book is available in PDF format, you can download it to your phone and it will always be at hand.

How to purchase a book and how much does it cost?

To purchase an e-book, click on the “transfer” button and make a payment (After payment, click on the “Return to site” button and you will automatically receive a link and access to the book).

The cost of the book is only: 1690 rubles. 990 rub. (Promotion for the first 100 buyers)

If you have any questions, you can write to me on social media. networks : Telegram: //t.me/Kalantarovvv (nickname @Kalantarovvv) Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/vadim.kalantarov/ (vadim.kalantarov)

I want to stop loving my first love...

Falling in love for the first time is one of the most powerful feelings a person can experience. And it should be noted that forgetting your first love is never easy. The problem is further complicated by the fact that for the first time this feeling visits a person at a fairly young age. And during this period, everything feels much more acute, and the hormones are doing their job. This is why many are interested in how to stop loving a guy or a girl, if this was the first and very strong emotion.

Even if you love very much, you need to understand that this feeling will pass. All people can forget their love. It’s just that some people need less time, others more time.

Let's try to figure out how to stop loving a guy or a girl if it was your first true love:

• Think about your current relationship. If you are already in a new relationship, but have not managed to forget your first love, then most likely not everything is going smoothly in the relationship you are in. Perhaps you are not happy here and now, and your subconscious signals this by idealizing past relationships. Human psychology is extremely difficult to understand, but sometimes our subconscious or intuition protects us from mistakes in this way. Once you can find the reason why you so badly want to go back to the past, everything will fall into place.
• Meet your ex-love. As mentioned above, people can over-idealize their past. Meeting your first crush in real time can change everything in a matter of seconds. The ideal person you pictured in your imagination could change beyond recognition during the time you didn’t see each other, and not always for the better. The meeting will be able to awaken in you memories of the negative habits and character traits inherent in your partner. You could, voluntarily or unwittingly, forget about his shortcomings, and when you meet, you will be able to appreciate his sides again. Sometimes such a date is the best way to stop suffering about pure first love.
• Be patient. Nothing in this world lasts forever, let alone feelings and emotions. They change and fade away. Therefore, it is not right to force the heart to forget the first love feelings. Sometimes girls need to cry and suffer for a while. Guys should try to engage in physical labor if tears are not acceptable.
• Take a break. When the period of suffering is over, you need to go out into the real world. You will be surprised, but life did not stop while you shed tears. Sign up for a sports section, a dance club, communicate more, involve your best friend in classes so that he will keep you company. By doing what you love, you will be able to get the person out of your head much faster.
• Find a replacement. Of course, you shouldn’t rush and force yourself to start a new relationship, but giving up courtship because of suffering is also not recommended. New acquaintances can give you positive emotions.

Suffering from your first divided or unrequited love, you voluntarily drive yourself into a corner. Once you are able to look at the situation from a different angle, it will become clear to you that everything is not as bad as it seems. If we turn to psychology, then the most correct thing would be to thank the Universe for the fact that you were able to experience this wonderful feeling. Say “thank you” for the invaluable experience and happy moments that you were lucky enough to experience and then let go of the situation in order to open up to new, even stronger and more conscious emotions.

Why do you have to break up with your loved one?

A woman understands the inevitability of a breakup almost immediately when the relationship ceases to bring satisfaction. But an internal struggle begins, denial of what is happening. This is understandable, because the mind is not ready for change, and partners are kept in a relationship by mutual emotional dependencies, habit or fear of loneliness.

READ A student fell in love with a teacher: reasons for the hobby and advice

Even if it is possible to delay the admission of defeat, that is, the termination of the relationship, it is impossible to prevent a break. The sooner a fateful decision is made, the more chances and opportunities for real happiness open up for the two partners. Breakup does not happen spontaneously, it has reasons:

1. A man found another woman and fell in love with her - there is no point in saving the relationship.
2. Frequent infidelity is another reason when it is better to break up.
3. Conflicts in the family that never find a constructive resolution.
4. The initiator of the separation is the beloved man.
5. There is toxic attachment or dependency in the relationship. This connection leads to emotional exhaustion and burnout.
6. The partners no longer have the same life goals, values ​​and priorities.
7. The couple cannot find a common language on fundamental issues.
8. The man suffers from addictions and addictions.

Relationships can be terminated for no apparent reason, for example, if the partner made such a decision. Many couples begin to develop relationships, guided by passion, fear of loneliness and other reasons, the elimination of which leads to a breakup. But if a girl continues to love, then, regardless of the reasons, the breakup will be especially painful for her.

Relapse is not an option

The danger is that even if you dealt with your feelings after the breakup and they cooled down, this does not provide a complete guarantee that love will not manifest itself again after a while. You may start to miss the person. Memory will erase all the bad, leaving only pleasant moments, memories of which together can create the illusion that it makes sense to try again. But you can’t step into the same river twice, it will only reopen old wounds and bring even more pain and suffering. If you break up with a person once, don't go back to him.

Don't blame yourself or anyone else

We started with this, but we should describe it in a little more detail, since you may feel guilty throughout the entire acceptance process until you completely stop loving the person. As for your partner, any accusations against him that he has stopped loving you will not be perceived adequately. This will certainly come down to a quarrel and another showdown. You don’t have the ability to control your own falling in love and you don’t have the ability to get into someone else’s head and make a person love you. Accept the situation as a fact and do not try to wave your fists after a fight. Nothing can be changed and all that remains is to come to terms with it, and in these matters, looking for those to blame will not lead to anything good.

How to fall out of love quickly: emergency measures

A quick recovery from failure in love is possible, but it requires enormous effort and strong-willed decisions.

If a woman is ready to work on her emotional well-being and radically change her life after a breakup, there are 5 steps to take:

1. It is important to recognize the very fact of separation, its irrevocability.
2. It is necessary to critically evaluate your past relationships, focusing on the negative aspects, in order to feel satisfaction as a result of getting rid of these things.
3. It is worth appreciating all the benefits of a free position, the chances for true happiness, personal development and life without suffering from unrequited love.
4. It is important to make the final decision to turn your life in the right direction, where there will be nothing but forward movement and happiness.
5. It is necessary to act - this is the only way any technique will work. Don't focus too much on theory. Even the wrong steps forward will be more effective than studying the issue for many hours.

Falling out of love with a person is not always easy, so you should be patient and prepare yourself for the fact that it will hurt. But there is no need to exaggerate, because everything passes. Love is a complex of biochemical reactions that will fade away over time, you just have to eliminate from your life what stimulates this internal process.

READ How to understand that you have fallen in love with a guy: signs and stages of tender feelings

Why you need to try to stop loving a person2

In addition to the health effects described above, there are other reasons. They can be much more dangerous both for the person in love, and for the object of his interest, and even for those around him. Negative emotions and constant worries sometimes push people to rash, illegal and risky actions. This could be physical violence directed at a lover (or lover) or someone close to him, self-harm, suicide, etc. Not only teenagers with fragile psyches are capable of this.

Even an adult, exhausted by love experiences, can break down. Unrequited love does not bring anything good to a person; it deprives a person of the opportunity to be happy and live a full life.

Don't go to extremes

Many people, after parting with a loved one, begin to feel excessively sorry for themselves, which often leads to the aggravation or manifestation of harmful habits. Alcohol and drugs have never helped anyone fall out of love, and euphoria is only a temporary phenomenon that masks mental pain, but does not heal the soul. In addition, the consequences of alcohol and drug addiction can be truly terrible.

Alcohol can also create the illusion that things can still be fixed. Hence the drunken calls, declarations of love over the phone, or even worse - accusations and insults. In order not to regret your actions later, in these cases it is better to give the phone to a loved one who is with you at the time and ask him to under no circumstances return the phone to you and not allow anyone to call.

An excellent option would be to delete the number from the phone book, as well as contacts from all instant messengers. Of course, if you want, you can always find a person on social networks again, but deleting contacts still reduces the likelihood that you will write.

Be selfish

Now is not the situation when you can feel sorry for your ex. There is no need to blame yourself for anything. Become selfish for this time. A cool mind and approach to analyzing your relationship will certainly help. To understand how to stop loving a person, analyze what was the main reason for this outcome, and perhaps a complex of small reasons played a role here. Think about how strongly and critically different your and your ex-partner’s views on life, on politics, religion, and ways of spending time together were. It is also important to find flaws that could interfere with building reliable relationships.

Do not give up

It's easier said than done, but it is necessary and no one can pull you out of this emotional hole but yourself. Try to constantly encourage yourself, motivate yourself and always look to the future with hope for the best. Don't become discouraged, which will only delay your recovery. Get out of your comfort zone. Take a break from routine activities, look for a new source of inspiration, try new activities and courses. Active recreation and parties will help a lot. Make time for fun, because you deserve it. Gather your friends, play some games, save up for a trip and go on a trip. Having filled your life with such events, you yourself will not notice how the feelings for your ex-partner have disappeared on their own, and you are open to new relationships.

It should be noted that these tips are universal and can also help a guy with the question of how to stop loving a girl. There are no fundamental differences, since both men and women go through the standard stages in this case: denial, anger, seeking a compromise, depression and acceptance. If you approach this issue competently and structurally, you can minimize the pain that love torment usually brings. You also need to understand that there is no magic pill or universal answer to the question of how to quickly fall out of love with a person, but using the tips described above will make the separation process less painful and reduce torment.