Sometimes you have to part with people. It is extremely rare that this happens by mutual consent and for objective reasons. Usually everything goes well, nothing foreshadows trouble, and then you find out that they are cheating on you, that they have stopped loving you, or that they have simply become bored with you. It may seem to you that these problems can be solved, because you love her so much. But she is adamant - you break up, your ex has a new wonderful life (especially if she went not into emptiness, but to someone), and you collect the remnants of male pride in the corners of all the bars in the capital. Attempts to drown melancholy in a glass are almost always unsuccessful. Therefore, we propose to act completely differently.
Tell her everything
This is not a clause about you having to return everything and make peace. You are probably seething with anger, frustration, misunderstanding, your head is bursting with questions “how? Why? for what?". If you keep them to yourself, you will never be able to put an end to the relationship. Arrange a meeting, call, write in instant messenger or, in the end, a letter to tell your ex-girlfriend everything you think about her and the current situation. If she hurt you or hurt your feelings, don't try to be nice in hopes of getting it back. It's better to give free rein to your emotions. Apologize only if there is really a reason.
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Get ready, it will be difficult
Many people want to know what to do if their best friend betrayed them. Prepare for a tough recovery. You're experiencing PTSD, so it's normal to feel unpleasant every day.
Of course, you will have to fight long and hard with your negative thoughts and resentment, but sooner or later the pain will begin to dull, and trust in others will return again.
Remember that life is too short to be unhappy because of a person who does not care about you and is ready to treacherously stick a mental knife in your back at any moment.
Stop all contact with her
You've talked, you've said what you think, and now, if your goal is to truly get over your ex, it's time to cut all ties with her. This doesn't mean you should, like a teenager, block her on all social networks and unfriend her. Just stop looking through all her stories and posts, tormenting your head with potential comments that you won’t leave, manically looking for opportunities to sneak a glimpse of her, driving “by chance” past the girl’s house, texting her friends to find out everything about her affairs. If the temptation to follow your ex-girlfriend at least on social networks is too great, remove yourself from them altogether. A little digital detox won’t hurt anyone, especially in such a situation. To communicate with those who did not break your heart, messengers will remain.
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How to forgive a friend: advice from psychologists
Traditionally, advice from psychologists for those who want to forgive a friend is general:
- Think about how important a friend is in your life.
- What would you do if you were the offender in this situation - perhaps you yourself provoked such behavior.
- Talk to your friend, explain your condition and feelings; think about how you feel about her after the conversation and whether you want to maintain the friendship.
Some of this advice makes no sense at all. For example, advice to think about what an offended woman would do in her friend’s place. Obviously it’s different, since the friend’s action turned out to be a reason for resentment against her. Others make a woman think about her relationship with her friend, but not about forgiving her.
Unfortunately, such advice does not help women who are stuck in their grievances truly forgive their friend. Without knowing the mechanism by which grievances arise, it is impossible to understand how to learn to forgive grievances.
Why is it difficult for some people to forgive a friend?
And all because they are offended easily, but forgive hard. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan explains that this is how the psyche of people, whom nature has endowed with the anal vector, works. The one who is responsible for honesty, loyalty, the desire for purity in everything, the ability to make friends, for the unique memory, thanks to which these particular people are able to accumulate, store and pass on to others their main wealth - knowledge, skills and experience.
So why are such women and men the only ones capable of being seriously and lastingly offended?
The psyche of a person with an anal vector is such that any deviation from what they consider correct creates unbearable discomfort and triggers the desire to restore internal balance. This is how resentment and the desire for revenge arise.
In certain states, touchiness takes on global forms. Sometimes mistakes in upbringing, stress or life circumstances do not allow a person to fully realize their natural abilities and desires. Because of this, he feels dissatisfaction with life. Without understanding the causes of internal discomfort, he loses the ability to enjoy life. And the less joy such people have left, the less they realize their potential, the more they tend to be offended by everything and everyone. A vicious circle arises.
And here an amazing memory plays a negative role - it does not allow one to forget the insult.
It’s not so bad when the offender is a random person and you won’t meet him again. It’s a completely different matter when it’s a friend—almost a family member whom you completely trust. For her sake I am ready to do a lot, sparing neither mental nor physical strength.
But due to her mental properties, each owner of the anal vector is confident in exactly the same attitude towards herself from her friend. If in some situation expectations are not met, the woman feels deceived, insulted, and offended. Depending on the severity of the offense and the further behavior of the offender, the amplitude of feelings can range from another insult, neatly archived in the memory storage, to hatching plans for revenge against an already ex-girlfriend.
Why you need to learn to forgive grievances
Resentments, like lead shoes, do not allow you to move. It doesn’t matter whether a day or five years has passed - the resentment has not disappeared, but, on the contrary, has grown in the free spaces of memory. And the woman conveys her negativity, bad memories, aggression to others.
If an offended woman, in addition to the anal one, also has a visual vector responsible for emotions, then a huge flame can arise from the most insignificant spark. The resentment will grow over time, acquire new details and colors, causing great pain and requiring the situation to be straightened out. At every opportunity, an offended woman will tearfully remind her friend of her offense and reproach her.
Instead of plans for life, plans are hatched for revenge: to make the friend feel as bad as the offended one. Everything should be equal - this is the internal feeling of justice among people with the anal vector. Thus, accumulated grievances change a person’s wonderful qualities to their opposite.
A void gradually forms around the woman. Those around them unconsciously distance themselves from people immersed in unpleasant memories, because a person’s facial expression, even the smells of a person change depending on his state. For a woman with an anal vector, this is extremely important, since her purpose is to be the keeper of the hearth, to be close to a man, and to raise children. Unfortunately, they not only carry water to the offended, but often simply abandon them.
Talk about a breakup
We, of course, live in a patriarchal society where masculine males do not suffer. And you don’t want to tell your friends that you’re hurt, sad and lonely, and what if they answer: “What are you talking about! You're a man! We hope you have understanding friends who don't subscribe to stereotypes about boys who don't cry. But if suddenly you still cannot overcome the barrier, go to a psychoanalyst. This is the very case when it is needed without regard to the presence of any diagnosis. Any emotional shock affects your psyche. And trying to ignore it, hush it up and wait until everything settles down and is forgotten will only make things worse for you. If you broke up because a girl cheated on you or cheated on you, this is a serious blow to your trust in other people, which will affect future relationships. Talk about feelings, thoughts, how you have changed, and this will help you get over the breakup easier and better understand for yourself what happened and how to prevent it from happening again.
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Is it worth continuing communication?
So, your friend betrayed you, but now you don’t know what to do or what to do. The first and logical question is: “Is it worth giving a second chance?”
Ask yourself, are you willing to live with the feeling of betrayal and be around the person who hurt you? Will you be able to trust again and share secrets? If every answer is questionable, then do not continue communicating with this person.
But before you completely break off the friendship, try to find out what caused the betrayal. Perhaps your friend is repentant and ready to ask for forgiveness. If this is the case, then stay at the level of good and long-time acquaintances, giving time to put everything in its place.
There are times when embittered friends, after betrayal, express everything that was in their souls. They show all their cards, telling you exactly why they hurt you. After such revelations, few people will dare to give a second chance to a person.
Don't rush into a new relationship
When someone's house burns down, no one immediately starts building a new one in its place. The area is completely cleared, the foundation is restored, the ground around is strengthened, because it also suffers from fire, a new plan for the building is thought out to make it more resistant to fires and safer, and then they just build it. You are an even more complex and vulnerable structure than some burnt out shack. A new girlfriend will not help you forget your ex, because you cannot build anything on the ashes. You will inevitably compare this relationship with your previous ones, say something about the breakup or about your ex (and this will really irritate your current girlfriend), you will have problems with trust and emotional background. Most likely, another break awaits you, which will finally destroy your faith in yourself and humanity.
Ways to survive betrayal
First you need to change the image of the betrayed person with the help of psychotechnics. Options are possible! Choose whichever one you like best.
For example, imagine the name of a former friend or lover written in chalk on a school board. There is a wet rag nearby... Tell yourself: “When I’m ready, I’ll take a rag and wash this board clean...”. You can imagine the name of a person you hate written on a piece of paper. You used the paper for its intended purpose, and you no longer need it. Where should it be thrown? This is where you mentally (or actually) throw it away. Or you can create this image: the fragments of your favorite (or not so favorite) cup are lying on the floor, on one of them the name of your former friend is engraved. Of course, it’s a pity that this cup broke... But, on the other hand, you must admit that if you really, really valued it, it wouldn’t break: you would just catch it in flight. And now its place is in the trash can. What can you do? Cups tend to break...
Or you can create this image: the fragments of your favorite (or not so favorite) cup are lying on the floor, on one of them the name of your former friend is engraved. Of course, it’s a pity that this cup broke... But, on the other hand, you must admit that if you really, really valued it, it wouldn’t break: you would just catch it in flight. And now its place is in the trash can. What can you do? Cups tend to break...
I wonder, for what amount would you agree not to date this or that person again? Probably, even for $500 they would have agreed to interrupt a not very necessary acquaintance (“He makes me neither cold nor hot”). You wouldn’t break up with a loved one, no matter how much money (“How will I live without him?”). And for someone, perhaps, they themselves would pay a little extra (“Just to never see her (him) again!”). This is the measure of human relations! As they say, money is not people, it will not be superfluous.
Work on yourself
Instead of starting a new relationship, take care of yourself. It is easiest to survive stress and cope with experiences and emotions when you simply do not have time for them. Buy a gym membership, start learning foreign languages, go on a trip with friends, finally get a promotion, find singing/drawing/public speaking courses. It makes no difference what exactly you do in your free time, but just don’t lie on the couch with a bottle of beer, beating yourself up. Develop and become cooler, let your ex bite your elbows, not you.
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Spend more time with your family
After a breakup, especially if the relationship was quite long and serious, you will miss love, attention and care. It's time to remember that no one will ever love you more than your mother. Buy a bouquet (we hope you do this all the time) and go visit. Better yet, invite your family to the theater or host them a dinner at your home. When we start dating someone, a new “family” comes to the fore. This is a normal and natural course of life, but partings remind us that “an old friend is better than two new ones.” And no one will support you the way your family will do it. And, immersed in family problems (probably some repairs are needed somewhere, your younger brother or nephew needs help at school, your mother’s car broke down, and the list goes on), you simply won’t have time to suffer.
Change something in your life
This is the most radical advice that works great. You can find a new job - preferably a more creative one, which will distract you from sad thoughts, which involves meeting people so that your social circle changes. Or move to another city, and every restaurant, traffic light, asphalt slab and bench in the park will not remind you of bright days with your ex. Get a dog - it, of course, will not replace your girlfriend, but it will never deceive, betray or abandon you. And while you save wires, slippers and bags from the puppy, your worries will fade into the background. Buy or rent a new apartment. Change your car. Let this painful breakup motivate you to change your life and become cooler, and not condemn you to suffering and alcoholism.
