Everywhere you look, unconditional love and acceptance of your partner for who they are are promoted. Both on social networks and on various thematic forums dedicated to personal and spiritual development... It seems that society has forgotten that only the military registration and enlistment office can accept a man as he is. Well, as for a woman... you never know what to expect from a woman - therefore, the question of acceptance remains open throughout the entire relationship.
Egoists are around us i
Supporters of the idea of unconditional love believe that only complete egoists and manipulators make demands on another person. Unconditional love is considered a certain standard, a symbol of progress. Are you dating an alcoholic guy who alternates his date with you with a week-long binge? Does your girl wear a thin strap instead of a skirt that attracts the eyes of every man? It’s nonsense, if you don’t accept your partner with all his desires and character traits, it means you don’t have the ability for unconditional love. This is exactly what any proponent of this concept will say.
The Harm of Unlimited Acceptance2
On the one hand, such an attitude can be very useful - for example, when it comes to the connection between mother and child. But in the romantic realm, unconditional love leads to unhealthy situations. A sexually mature man or adult woman is not a baby who is unable to change himself for the sake of building quality relationships in society.
And unconditional love becomes especially dangerous in a partnership built on the principles of BDSM. In such a couple, everything rests on the exchange of power, delineation of clear boundaries, and devotion to their Master (Mistress).
Partner Acceptance
What about the things you don't like about your partner? Are you ready to live with these things, even if they bother you? In order for a relationship to develop successfully, this is necessary. But remember the main thing is that we cannot change a person so that he becomes what we want him to be. He must be willing to make changes on his own. And mostly for my own sake, not for yours.
For example, your partner goes out with friends every Saturday night to relax and does not invite you. You don't like it. You ask to change this somehow, but he insists on spending the evening only with friends. Are you ready to accept this? Or will you make a problem out of it? Yes, we should be able to “make sacrifices” for the people we love, but we should also be able to fully accept them for who they are.
Perhaps this is really important to him, or maybe this evening away from you is the reason your relationship remains strong
The view of psychologists 5
The founder of the concept of unconditional love in psychological science was Carl Rogers. He put forward the idea of unconditional acceptance of the client.
This was one of the main techniques used by Rogers in psychotherapy. He showed his clients full support and acceptance, no matter what they said or did. Rogers believed that all psychologists should treat their clients this way.
Does unconditional love really exist?7
Science supports the idea that unconditional love actually exists. According to one study, the emotion subjectively felt as unconditional love occurs when a specific network of neurons in the brain is activated.
In this study, this type of attachment was found in most cases between mother and child. The same feelings we experience as romantic love are generated and maintained by the brain centers responsible for motivation and reward. The neural ensemble that is activated during mother-child attachment remains inactive in this case. In other words, we treat our partners in exactly the same way as they treat us. At least when it comes to psychologically healthy people.
How to learn to love unconditionally? Is it possible to learn to love?
I did not choose this topic for the master class myself; I was asked to work on this topic by a participant from my school.
First. Many people are interested in the topic of Unconditional Love.
Second. Most have complaints against their parents for not giving this very unconditional love. That’s what they are like, they didn’t love me unconditionally, that’s why I’m like this now... codependent.
Yes, of course, the roots of our traumas are in our families. But ask your parents, or even better, not your parents, but the parents of your friends: “Do they love their children?” I'll be very surprised if they say NO.
Every parent loves their child the best they can.
The desire to remake your parents, to change your past - this is precisely a clear manifestation of codependency, and sometimes addiction.
How easy it is to say: “I became an alcoholic because my father is an alcoholic.”
“I don’t know how to love because I wasn’t loved as a child.” “I can’t give my children love because my parents didn’t teach me what love is.”
You can add to this list yourself without me. All this is called rationalization. We talked about this at the master class on honesty. Rationalization as a manifestation of dishonesty and as a consequence of irresponsibility.
Yes, an interesting picture emerges. Everything goes one after another.
Remember my video about Gratitude. I told you about Ladoga.
Without gratitude there can be no love.
Love is an ocean where a thousand rivers and streams flow, such as honesty, responsibility, gratitude... We can say this: all the topics that we discuss at our Confident Behavior Workshop are all about Love. These are the streams themselves that, when filled, become rivers, and carry their waters further, giving life to others and becoming more and more full-flowing.
I'll tell you one secret. I, like you, have been tormented by questions of love, and especially unconditional love. I wanted so much to be loved with unconditional love. But it was all in vain. You can't change your parents. With men there is only conditional love. Believe me, I thought the same as many of you, that they didn’t give me enough, didn’t love me, and so on…. This state of discontent prevented me from living and accepting love.
Hands dropped. But whoever seeks will always find. And at one meeting with my teacher, mentor Bogdan Voronovich, I heard an amazing phrase: “Love is work.” Yes, yes, that’s exactly it. This is daily work. I am still on this journey of learning to love, and the more I realize the love in my heart, the more I see how my parents loved me. I was surrounded by the love of my loved ones. How amazing this is. The world has turned upside down: from hostile it has become loving.
A sexually mature person or an infant in the guise of an adult8
Usually at this point, fans of all-consuming acceptance experience a stupor. Angelic patience, endless devotion and admiration for the supposedly “ideal” qualities of a partner - isn’t this the ideal that each of us should strive for? It turns out not. If your partner is an adult and able-bodied person who also has sex with you, then it is stupid to treat him like an unintelligent child.
The spirit of a mature personality must reside in an adult body. And if this is not the case, then it’s worth thinking: should I continue to build a relationship with a big guy? Maybe this person needs a second mommy (another daddy)?
Signs of unconditional love between a man and a woman
Couples who have either just started dating or have been living together for a very long time can understand what unconditional love is. At the beginning of a relationship, we are captured by feelings, we focus only on them, so we do not see the shortcomings of the other half. And if we see, we forgive and immediately forget. We highlight only positive qualities, because we want to see our partner as the most ideal in the Universe.
After a while, feelings cool down a little, and we pay attention to what we don’t like. Habits and behavior of a person that do not suit the lover become the cause of quarrels. At this stage of relationships, many girls and guys begin to compare each other with friends, colleagues, and relatives. It may seem that there are many people who are much better than the current half. Since there are still feelings, a person tries to correct everything that he does not like about his beloved. Something can really be changed, but most often habits and character remain the same. A person stops seeing the ideal in a partner and understands that everything that does not suit him will continue. This is the turning point when couples most often break up.
If a person does not want to part with his other half, the most difficult period for him in a relationship begins - acceptance. Only wise men and women who love each other deeply reach it. Approving the character traits, habits, characteristics of another is the most difficult thing. It seems that it is easier to find a new companion, an ideal one. But when we really understand that we love, we are ready to accept everything. After this we feel a true, unconditional feeling of love. No difficulties that you have to endure can interfere with love. On the contrary, by overcoming more obstacles together, people become even closer.
Emerging feelings and love in a long-term relationship are different. Young love is "blind". When we first start dating, we simply idealize the person. This is wrong because in reality he is different. But love that has passed the test is considered real. Then we can really say that we love a person, no matter what, knowing all his shortcomings. We do not compare our partner with someone else, we do not try to correct habits and character, we love him just like that, for no reason. All these signs point to unconditional love.
To bring your feelings closer to unconditional love, you can take several steps:
- Remember the best moments spent together, the beginning of your relationship.
- Think about what you don't like about the relationship.
- Imagine your loved one is ideal for you - he got rid of stupid habits, stopped doing what you don’t like.
- After this, you will have to return to reality - imagine your beloved again, now as he is. Consider whether the things you fight about really matter. Perhaps you find fault with some of them, then these problems are not so important. What if the others are really bothering you? Now the hardest part is that you need to accept them. Not necessarily at one moment, it is very difficult to approve of a partner’s shortcomings. But if it works, you can feel unconditional love.
You need to learn to understand your loved one. To do this, sometimes imagine yourself in his place. This will help you evaluate controversial situations more objectively. Even if your partner makes mistakes, you should try to forgive, because you love him. After accepting your lover for who he is, you will feel freer, you will have a desire to give more love and receive the same in return.
Disappointing conclusions due to errors9
Adherents of unconditional love believe that partnerships can be comparable to parent-child relationships, although in reality the latter have a completely different neurophysiological basis. A sexual relationship for an adult is much more complicated, which is why not everyone can live “happily ever after.” And in the end, unjustified expectations lead to disappointed conclusions: “Only mom is worthy of love (only dad is worthy).” Perhaps this is so - the only question is what kind of love?
An adult does not live under the care of his parents: he is forced to constantly deal with the external environment and its changing conditions. Humans are hardwired to survive and succeed—whether it's finding food, shelter, or quality relationships with sexual partners.
Are you a believer in unconditional love? To be honest with yourself, answer the question: how would your feelings change if your partner cheated on you? Would you be genuinely happy that he was having a good time with another member of the opposite sex, and would you encourage him to continue to do so? If not, then there can be no talk of any “unconditional love” in a relationship.
Difference from “conditional” love
Some people consider conditional love to be unreal and insincere. But that's not true. Both species are real, but there are several significant differences between them.
- Unconditional love - acceptance of all qualities of a person
Conditional love is the opposite of unconditional love. Some don’t even consider it love, because it does not come from the soul, but is born in the head. It is limited by boundaries and rules. Conditions, which are character traits, behavior and other things for which you can fall in love.
The object of conditional love has the desired set of qualities: smart, brave, beautiful. They are different for everyone. These are the ones we call when we are asked who we want to see next to us. Few people want their chosen one to be cowardly, sloppy, or have strange habits. Love can accept all this without conditions. Only the ideal is suitable for the conditional.
When we think that we don’t like the behavior of our loved one, his life position, principles and other important things, we come to the conclusion that he is not suitable for us. But, in addition to objective conclusions, there are feelings that do not allow us to leave our loved one. Then we accept him completely as he is.
Conditional love is characteristic of rational people who are accustomed to trusting facts rather than feelings. Unconditional - romantic, emotional, who can close their eyes to shortcomings and give in to the impulse of feelings, without thinking about the consequences. Rationalists are also able to experience it. Only for this they need time to make an informed decision.
- Unconditional love is not a matter of comfort or sacrifice.
If the other half dictates the terms, something has to be sacrificed to ensure the comfort of the beloved. Often a man and a woman limit each other, setting boundaries in which it would be convenient for everyone to live. This is conditional love. Unconditional provides complete freedom of action and trust in the other half. A person who fully accepts a partner is comfortable with him in any circumstances.
A man or woman who is loved unconditionally does not need to give up his principles and habits. There are no conditions set before them, for example, “I won’t love you if you keep doing this”, “if you want to stay with me, you will have to stop doing this.” Unconditional love can accept and forgive everything.
- Lack of control
For a person who loves conditionally, it is important that the partner remains “correct” and does not forget what he needs to do and what he cannot do. To ensure that all conditions are met, people control the other half. Some may constantly observe behavior, sometimes even following or calling. One control method is to specifically ask questions to find out whether the other half remembers their responsibilities.
Unconditional love does not require control. A man and a woman respect and trust each other, so they don’t follow. Even if someone does something that half of them does not understand or does not support, nothing bad will happen. After all, people love you not for your actions, but for nothing, despite your mistakes. This does not mean that no one cares who is doing what. They just can accept any behavior of their partner.
In BDSM, unconditional love becomes violence10
Sexual violence (just like violence of any other kind) occurs in conditions of imbalance of power - when people forget about spiritual unity. And BDSM practitioners, unfortunately, are no different from others in this regard. Sometimes some of the fans of this style put forward completely unrealistic demands in relation to their partners. For example, on one of the dating sites you can see something like this:
"I'm looking for a true submissive who can satisfy absolutely all my desires."
This “100% submission” should be a wake-up call for anyone who loves BDSM. If a dominant claims that a “true submissive” would do absolutely anything, this speaks of his truly inflated egoism.
Sometimes such arrogance turns into real fetishism, manifested in various fields of art - such as fiction or cinema. For example, for a long time the movie “The Story of O” was positioned in BDSM communities as a masterpiece of sadomasochistic eroticism. However, there are numerous instances in the story where the heroine is bullied or coerced. All this is not only unpleasant sexually, but also makes her completely unhappy.
Of course, sexual fantasies about cruelty and rape are extremely common. But these are fantasies. Non-consensual behavior has no place in real BDSM. Dominants with a healthy psyche know how to maintain stability in a couple - and this is never possible if subordinates do not enjoy the process. And regardless of what position a person occupies - “top” or “bottom” - it is critically important to determine for yourself the boundaries of what is acceptable and communicate them to your partner.
