Tyrant husband: you can’t live without a divorce

In this article we will tell you:

Types of behavior of a tyrant husband
19 key signs of a tyrant husband
Advice from a psychologist on saving a family if the husband is a tyrant
13 steps to get rid of a tyrant husband

It is almost impossible to recognize a tyrant in a future husband. At the very beginning, relationships always seem cloudless, and nothing prevents a woman from making plans for a future together. But it happens that almost immediately after the wedding the husband shows his true colors. Scandals out of the blue, shouting with or without reason, and even assault, unfortunately, become part of family life. It also happens that a man gets by without beatings. But the psychological tyrant is even worse, because he revels in the moral suffering of his wife.

You will say that signs of tyranny could be seen at the beginning of the relationship. Undoubtedly, there are a number of points that are worth paying attention to. But for many women they seem unimportant, and many mistakenly believe that their spouse will change after the wedding. So is it worth breaking off the relationship if your future husband seems like a tyrant? And what to do if after the wedding a man literally turns into a monster because of trifles? Is it possible to save a family with a tyrant husband?

Types of behavior of a tyrant husband

Insecure boys turn into domestic tyrants, and over time they become dangerous men. They will always strive to take out their resentment on loved ones. It doesn’t matter to them how much they are loved or what their financial situation is. Other factors are not important either. The greatest aggression always spills out on the wife. It is she who acts as a kind of lightning rod for her tyrant husband.

Psychologists believe that there are three types of such men: controlling, devaluing and aggressive.

A controlling husband is a tyrant.

The essence of his tyranny is to control everything that happens in the literal sense. Who and where is at each moment of time, why it took 10 minutes, not five, to get from the stop, how much money was spent and on what. They are even interested in what their relatives dreamed about and why, as well as much more.

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Every day the tyrant husband bombards his wife with questions. It’s unclear what to do about this, and it’s not possible to simply remain silent. It is better to answer him immediately after the question. Otherwise, his suspicion will turn into a scandal. This state of affairs becomes difficult because it is disguised as caring for you. Therefore, many wives do not immediately recognize obsession, considering it a concern for themselves.

Gradually, the tyrant husband begins to forbid his wife to see any male representative, even her father and brothers. He is suspicious of all colleagues or friends, tracks the movement of vehicles on maps, and keeps his wife’s profile on social networks under control. It is important for him to keep track of literally everything: wardrobe, perfume, manicure and his wife’s makeup. Often such men install a special listening device at home.

“You can’t do this with me”: how to resist your husband’s tyranny in the family

Tyranny of a husband in the family and domestic violence are, alas, a common situation these days, and not only in our country. A tyrant man behaves imperiously towards his wife, does not take her opinions and needs into account, insists on his right to determine and control her life, devalues, criticizes, humiliates, can beat her... Unfortunately, in those families where both spouses are believers, the wife is also not immune to domestic violence.

Svetlana Morozova, author of the book “Silent Tears. A book for those who want to get rid of pressure and tension in the family,” works as a psychologist, a non-profit center for helping people who have experienced violence, and knows firsthand about the problem. We have already published an excerpt from Svetlana’s book on Matrona, and today we are publishing her interview.

Svetlana Morozova

Svetlana, I want to thank you again for your book: such a clear and detailed analysis of the topic of domestic violence, competent recommendations to women who have suffered from it and those around them is, of course, an event.

Let's be clear once again: psychologists consider periodic conflicts between husband and wife, two living and imperfect people, to be the norm. How then to distinguish where the norm of family life is and where we are talking about domestic violence? It is clear that beatings are 100% violence, but how to recognize psychological violence that is not always obvious?

The difference is that a conflict is a dispute between equals. People can express their opinions sharply and emotionally, which are different from the opinions of others. If at the same time they are ready to take into account the opinion of their partner and seek mutual understanding, look for a solution that suits both of them, this is a normal conflict.

But in a dispute between a tyrant and a person who is subjected to domestic violence, the first does not want to hear the opinion of the second. For the tyrant, there is only one opinion - his own, and he perceives the conflict as a war that he must win by any means necessary.

What types of violence, besides psychological, do women most often face in situations of domestic tyranny?

Psychological violence (ignoring, devaluation, ridicule, total petty control over a woman’s life, etc.) is the first thing, without it everything else cannot happen. We can also highlight physical violence, and this is not only beatings, but also, for example, forcible confinement in a room, restriction of movement, poking, kicking, throwing objects, etc.

Economic violence is common when the husband declares that “the children are your concern” and spends all his income on himself, on satisfying his desires, without allocating anything to his wife and children.

If a family has a separate rather than a common budget, is this already a warning sign or is this normal?

If partners agree on equal terms on how they will divide the budget, take equal part in drawing up this budget, and both are satisfied with this, this is normal. But if the wife is forced to carry the entire economic burden, and the husband believes that the fact that they created children together is already a sufficient contribution on his part to the family, this is economic violence. Very often, economic violence occurs when a woman refuses to work in order to devote herself entirely to children, and her husband believes that he can dictate all conditions to her.

A few words must also be said about sexual violence. This is something that women tend not to talk about on their own. Usually a woman can be brought to this conversation when she talks about other types of violence in her family. We believe that the husband has complete power over his wife’s body and can “take his own” at any time and in any form as soon as he pleases, without taking into account the wishes of his wife. This is a very severe type of violence, because in this case the woman feels that her body does not belong to her.

In both secular and Orthodox literature on family relationships one can often find this approach: you cannot change another person, you can only change yourself (“save yourself, and thousands around you will be saved”). From this the woman draws the following conclusion: I’ll work on myself now, I’ll try, I’ll go to a femininity course or do something else, and my husband will change. Or, if she is a believer: I will go to confession, repent of my sins, try to live according to the Gospel, then everything will work out in my family. Is this point of view justified?

Still, you need to separate different things. Paying attention to yourself is a correct and useful position. But in what sense? You need to pay attention to your needs. If a woman feels that she is feeling bad in her family, she has the right to express her thoughts and voice her feelings. That is, do not manipulate, but talk to your husband from the position of an equal partner.

The position “you can’t do this with me” is a correct and healthy position. But in our country, as a rule, by this “pay attention to yourself” we mean something completely different: they say, if I change myself, then my husband will automatically change. No, that won't happen.

You can change yourself until you’re blue in the face, you can be more domestic and affectionate, please and bring slippers in your teeth, but the husband will perceive this as encouragement of domestic violence, and the violence will only increase. How can you change your husband without doing anything, that is, without making any demands on him, but only by visiting holy places, going to confession?

On this occasion, my book quotes from Vladimir’s philosophical work “Three Conversations”: people pray before eating, but they still chew themselves, with their own jaws. That is, you need to strive to resolve the situation on your own; no one - neither God, nor the king, nor the hero - will do it for you.

Does the idea of setting your boundaries (“you can’t do this with me”) and identifying your own needs work in the case of a domestic tyrant? Or is the only way to pack your suitcase, get a divorce, leave, run away?

There are different types of tyrants. Just because there were no boundaries from the beginning doesn't mean they can't be put in place later. The first step is for a woman to realize that domestic violence is happening in her life. It can be very difficult to admit this, and the path to this can be long, since it often happens that a woman moves from one tyrannical family to another.

She takes the relationship between her parents, when her father oppressed her mother, as normal, and sometimes it is very difficult to understand that what is happening is abnormal and does not suit me. But this is the first step. The second step is to determine what, in fact, I do not want to tolerate.

The third step is a direct and open conversation with your husband. “You are doing something that does not suit me, I do not want to tolerate it anymore.” And the next thing that needs to be done, which the woman has not done before, is to issue an ultimatum: I give you a period during which you must correct your behavior. If this does not happen, I will do such and such. I'll leave, for example.

But this should under no circumstances be an unfounded demand. If a woman decides to leave, she really needs to be sure that she can do it. Find a springboard in advance in the form of a shelter for women, or with relatives or friends who are ready to accept her for a certain period of time, think about how she will earn money and how to provide for her children.

But we must understand that there are different types of tyrants. If a woman is unable to even think about talking to her man in such a tone as to make some of her demands, the tyrant is probably really very dangerous, and it is better to leave without warning.

There is a very vivid image in your book: a tyrant treats his victim as an inanimate object - for example, a coffee grinder. And when she starts talking to him seriously, he is indignant, perceiving it as if the coffee grinder he owns suddenly started talking. But if this is so, how productive are conversations with such a person? Have there been any cases in your practice when, after a conversation, a husband really listened to his wife’s demands and changed his behavior?

Yes, such stories exist. There are cases that make you rejoice both at the results of your work and at the courage of a woman who pulled herself together in such a situation and behaved correctly.

I remember a case where a woman correctly identified that she was in a state of domestic violence and was very scared for her child, because the child was not only a witness to domestic incidents, but also a victim of violence from the father. She said: “Okay, that’s it. Either you don’t do this anymore, or I continue to talk to you only through my lawyer.”

This was said for a reason - the woman “pumped up her muscles” in advance and created an escape route. They managed to reach the level of discussions, the process of negotiations with each other. This is not yet complete family well-being, but it is already a serious step towards becoming equal partners.

In a situation of domestic violence, a woman often considers herself to blame. “He, of course, bullies me, humiliates me, devalues me, but in fact I myself am good, I also add fuel to the fire,” she tells herself. How can I stop feeling guilty for the actions of others?

First of all, there is no need to blame yourself for this way of thinking, because it is dictated not only by the domestic tyrant, but also by society as a whole. “The husband is the head, and the wife is the neck”, “the woman is responsible for the climate in the family” - these are common wisdoms that are really very difficult to escape. They are loaded into girls' brains from a very early age.

But this is also a consequence of the strategy of a tyrant who is trying to pin responsibility for his actions on a woman: as if he is pure, fluffy and innocent of anything, and she is evil incarnate.

One trick helps here: try to analyze the situation from the outside. If you were told a story where one person behaves in this way towards another, as happens in your family, which of them would you consider to be at fault? Is this even acceptable in human relations?

The following train of thought is possible: I know myself, Tanya (Katya, Sveta), as a person who can calmly communicate with other people without provoking violence (if we stand on the point of view that violence can generally be provoked, although this is a wrong point of view) . Until now, I have communicated with many people, and no one considered me the embodiment of evil, no one rushed to beat me, no one said that I was so bad that this was the only way to treat me. So, in principle, it’s possible to do things differently with me? This is also a good question to ask yourself.

But in general, you need to understand that in our society the position of blaming the victim is widespread, and not only victims of domestic violence. It’s her own fault, a fool: she dressed wrong, walked home from work late at night, etc.: the focus of attention is taken away from the action of the rapist, moving it to the victim.

It is necessary to clearly understand that only the rapist is to blame for violence; no actions of the victim justify this.

Psychology of a tyrant man... Many women do not understand why he behaves this way. He can be completely normal and calm with other people, he can be valued and respected in society as a successful, educated, prosperous person. But at home he turns into a completely different person. What's wrong with him, is it a childhood trauma?

Everyone has childhood traumas; growing up is not possible without them. Many people have experience interacting with people who treated them unfairly and committed violence. But not everyone became a domestic tyrant as a result, because the roots of family tyranny are not in how a man feels, but in how he thinks. A tyrant is a certain way of thinking.

If a man in his value system considers it normal to do this to a woman, then he will do so. A woman for him is not an independent subject, a partner with whom he can interact as an equal, but an object to satisfy his needs.

Therefore - we return to the image you mentioned - if this object shows its own needs and interests, for it it is as if a coffee grinder spoke, instead of brewing coffee, and began to make some demands on it. This situation seems absolutely abnormal to him, and he strives to correct it. Moreover, he believes that he is right, he is in his right and acts fairly.

A believing man can also become a domestic tyrant, or is this ruled out? Have you encountered situations of domestic violence in Orthodox families?

Yes, such cases are not uncommon. Some men, coming to faith, perceive the Orthodox teaching on marriage distorted - instead of seeing in their wife the image of God, an equal life partner, in life together with whom they can cultivate love, humility and other Christian virtues, such a man treats a woman as a subordinate being, who is obliged to obey him and carry out his will in everything (he could see such attitudes in the parental family). He uses the thesis about the primacy of men in the family to his own advantage, without understanding its deep essence, without realizing that Scripture is talking about love and responsibility.

In such a family, the husband can do whatever he wants to his wife, and she can only endure and hope that even if he brings her to the grave, it will still be good for her, she will “accept the crown of martyrdom.” But is it?

No, in fact, you will not find any justification in Scripture for this way of thinking, because if the wife is a martyr, then who is the husband in relation to her? It turns out that he is her tormentor, he, one might say, is the Pilate or Diocletian in her life. Can such a family even be called an Orthodox family? This is completely inconsistent with the words of Christ: “By this everyone will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”

There is precisely no love in this couple, because Scripture says that just as a wife is called to respect her husband, so the husband is called to love her. If the husband does not fulfill his part of the obligations, then the wife is free from fulfilling hers.

“Yes, it’s unbearable to live with him, but children need a father!” Do women often strive to save their family based on this motive?

Yes unfortunately. Very often a wife keeps herself from leaving her abusive husband because the children need a father. But do children need every father? We see that children in families where violence is rampant, even if they are just witnesses, still experience severe mental stress, which results in aggression towards other children or pets.

They may study poorly, suffer from enuresis and fears for a very long time. And when they grow up, they want to leave the family as early as possible. In girls, this can result in an early onset of sexual life, in early pregnancy, because they are trying to find in other men the care that they could not find in their father.

Very often, when working with adults who come to a psychotherapist with completely different problems - loss of strength, apathy, unwillingness to live, with various phobias - it turns out that domestic violence occurred in their childhood.

If you invite such a person to express their childhood feelings towards their mother, they most often say: “Mom, why didn’t you protect me, why didn’t you leave your father?”

Are there cases when a woman in an Orthodox family endures, prays, forgives, and the man changes for the better over time? Or is the intention to change another with your pious life an illusion?

In my practice there were no such cases. If a woman does not express her demands in any way, the husband thinks that everything is fine. Actually, everything is really normal for him. And how will he notice that his wife is feeling bad if he is not at all accustomed to taking into account his wife’s needs?

The wife will still have to realize her needs, and the first of them is the need for security, which seriously suffers in such a family. And then, from this understanding that this cannot continue, the need for some kind of action will be born.

The man himself very often does not let go of his victim. He sometimes holds on to her no less than the woman holds on to him. Why is this happening?

First of all, let's figure out why he entered into this relationship in the first place. As a rule, such men do not think, they say, now I will charm this woman, and then I will cripple her, make her weak and intimidated. Usually their logic is: “What a wonderful, beautiful, bright woman! She will be mine." This “will be mine” already contains a certain seed of further problems.

In other words, a woman for such a man is an object, a prize that he must receive. In the future, this man considers the woman to be his object, something that rightfully belongs to him. If the object that belongs to him shows independence, this stirs up many different feelings in him at once. This is anger at her independence, and a feeling of personal inadequacy (“what belonged to me suddenly floats out of my hands”), and a feeling of possessiveness, and a feeling of discomfort from the fact that he is losing control - and in such families it is always present control.

All this leads to the fact that even if a man has not shown love to a woman before, saying: “Well, who will take you like that, I warmed you up out of mercy, and no one but me needs you,” then when it turns out that she leaves, he really needs her. But, of course, not she herself as a person, but control over her. Such a man can pursue a woman for a long time. Very often, striking cases of physical aggression, even murder, occur during a period when a woman declares: that’s it, I’m leaving.

In other words, a woman needs to be especially careful about her safety during the period when she issues an ultimatum “either you change, or I leave”?

Yes. Then you can negotiate with your husband about the division of property through relatives, through a lawyer. But the safest way to disappear is simply to not announce it. Many women strive to prove something, to “break up on good terms.” There is no need to do this.

What pushes a woman herself to ultimately maintain a relationship with a domestic tyrant, to return time after time after another “leaving”? Is she satisfying some important needs of her own, or is this her family scenario that she is not aware of, or is there some other reason? Why does this happen to this woman and not to others?

Each case is individual. You can consider the family scenario, and what beliefs hold a woman in a relationship with this man, and how this happens in general. It is better to explore such things with a psychotherapist.

But there are certain general beliefs that girls put into their heads very early and that really keep a woman from leaving. This includes “a woman is responsible for the climate in the family”, and “children need a father”, and “I chose one man - this should be love for life.” Of course, these settings also have a very strong influence.

Besides, a tyrant is not a tyrant all the time, otherwise it would be very easy to get away from him. If literally at the first meeting he showed his character, his position as a tyrant, then everything would immediately become clear to the woman, and she would immediately run away from such a person.

But in the relationship between a man and a woman in such a couple there is always a lot of good. A woman can cling to this, confident that “a little more, I’ll press this button, and he will change, and I can still make him the way I want.” It's an illusion. A man is a different person, and you don’t have a button from him. You still need to pay attention to your needs and continue to act based on this.

What good does a woman who decides to break off a relationship with a domestic tyrant get? What do your clients say about this? Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

A woman gets the most important thing - her life. If before she spent the lion's share of energy and time on a domestic tyrant, wondering “What mood will he come home in today?”, “How did I not please him again?”, “How else can I talk to him so that he changes?”, now she has she has the opportunity to spend them on her needs. First of all, on physical and mental health, which were damaged by family terror. She will have the opportunity to become a cheerful, active person. This is a wonderful chance to make a breakthrough in your career.

This is what happened with the American psychotherapist Susan Forward, who, after breaking up with her tyrant husband, discovered a huge surge of creative strength and achieved success: she began hosting a radio show, wrote and published many popular books, one of which is called “Men Who Hate Women and the women who love them." The experience of my clients shows that after some time they begin a relationship with another man, but this time on an equal footing, without the belief that if the partner constantly gives in and is submissive, he will be carried in his arms.

A woman in a situation of domestic violence usually needs support. Where can she get it in our country?

Of course, it will be very good if a woman in such a situation reaches a psychotherapist. But many women may not have the moral strength to do this, because they are exhausted by a tyrant. They have enough strength simply to survive; they have difficulty restraining themselves from committing suicide.

Or they may not have the financial opportunity. The tyrant limits them both in their means and in their movement, may prohibit them from leaving the house or forces them to stay at home around the clock with small children.

It is very difficult to get help. In a good way, this should be done by the state. But, unfortunately, we do not have government services that would help women in such a situation, although this is very important.

There is a non-profit organization where I work and where they mainly help people who have survived sexual violence. But we also often get calls from people experiencing domestic violence or other types of violence.

Contacts :

Helpline: +74999010201, psychologists-consultants accept calls on weekdays, from 10 to 20 hours.

If you find it difficult to call us, you can write to the center’s website.

You should know it

If you have become a victim of domestic violence, then first of all you should call the police on 02, notify relatives and neighbors, who will subsequently be able to act as witnesses in court, and, if necessary, ask them for asylum. All bodily injuries should be recorded at the emergency room, and traces of the crime - torn clothing, blood prints, broken furniture - should be preserved. For help and advice, you can also contact the all-Russian helpline 8-800-7000-600.

Source https://www.9111.ru/articles/2014-12-05/67816-domashnee-nasilie-kak-zashchitit-sebya-ot-tirana-v-seme.html

The choice a woman faces

Any woman, realizing that her husband is a tyrant, thinks about what to do? She can agree to play the role of a victim or try to preserve herself as an individual. In the second case, she will have to take the following steps:

Tell everyone around you about the man’s actions, including family and friends, so that he himself knows about his exposure. Then the spouse will understand that for any violence or insult he will be punished.

Tell the tyrant that he will have to answer for his actions, but then the woman herself must be ready to involve strangers. Otherwise, there will be no one to witness the insults and traces of beatings.
Call the crisis center, tell about your husband’s behavior and ask for help.
Start earning your own living, since no financially independent woman will tolerate being humiliated. The victim of a domestic abuser needs to regain her sense of self-worth if she is to improve her situation. There is a high probability that the wife will have to temporarily escape from her tyrant husband and live separately, which becomes more complicated if the couple already has children. However, you will not be able to save yourself and your children if you do not minimize contact with such a toxic person.

Sophia smiles and says that she would never trade her new calm life for the old one.

Elena enthusiastically invites us to look at her acquisition. A few minutes and we are near the school. This is a huge building with stove heating: one part was built in 1905, and the second in 1953. Until 2009, children still studied here. Their photographs are now lying on the floor in one of the offices. Elena says that she will not throw them away. Will allocate a separate room for photographs - a room of memories. Not a museum, that sounds boring. Elena doesn’t know who the first owner of the house was, but she definitely wants to dig up the archives.

A woman gives a tour: a teachers’ room, a literature room, a storage room, a large assembly hall with a stage, a technical room with a sign saying “Emergency Exit.”

“The first time I saw the sign, I thought it was a sign. This is an emergency exit for you - take it.

Sophia leads us to the room she chose for herself - the former “Pionerskaya”. This is an attic room with a balcony.

“Sophia, don’t you regret that you moved from a three-room apartment to an old house without sewerage, without water?” Sophia smiles and says that she would never trade her new calm life for the old one. And her mother adds: “In recent years, Sophia has begun to stoop and her eyesight has deteriorated. She was always waiting for something bad to happen.” The sons do not live with their mother. The eldest, Sergei, has long been an adult and lives separately. And David is now serving in the army.

Elena has many plans for the house. She wants to renovate it and turn it into an agricultural estate, live there with her daughter and invite guests. And in the neighboring building, which Elena received along with the school, create a creative artel. There the woman wants to equip workshops - carpentry, pottery - and attract local residents to work so that they do not leave. Now there are only 30 inhabited houses in the village, all the rest are abandoned.

For now, Elena earns money to renovate her house by repairing clothes. But there are very few orders - you can count the people in the area on your fingers. “They just brought the jacket. How much I earn there - three rubles. In a coat, the sleeves need to be shortened - six rubles. Once there was an order - they paid 15 rubles.” To earn more, Elena agreed that she would run clubs for children at the Tourism Center in a neighboring city. But the coronavirus interfered with the plans. Work is on pause for now.

“In general, I would like it if I didn’t live alone,” says Elena. – The house is large, and I expect that children will live in several rooms. I wanted to become a foster mother when I lived in the Orsha region, my children agreed. My husband let us down then. When all the documents were ready, he came somehow drunk, attacked his son, and began to beat him. I stood up, he beat me, we called the police. We were registered as a dysfunctional family. Well, who would give us children after this? Everything went to waste. But I think I can do it here without my husband.

Elena says that if she can’t take in foster children, she will turn to the “Threads of Friendship” project, which is supported by “NAMES” readers, to become a foster carer.

– I can offer housing from your project to the homeless. Let them come and help with the repairs. And I can shelter women who suffered the same with their husbands. It doesn't matter to me what happens here. It is important that I will be happy here. And I will make other people happy. Because how I lived before... I, of course, smiled, didn’t talk, was polite. Few people could believe that they were beating me. Because it’s a shame, well, it’s a shame to talk about it, you know? Because they will say: “Why aren’t you doing anything?” And I wouldn’t even be able to answer properly. It felt like I was living in a dream. The state was half strangled. But now I have escaped. It wasn't easy, but I did it.

Classic types of domestic tyrants

Open aggressor . Such a person aims to suppress the will of his loved ones through scandals, shouting, physical and emotional violence. An aggressor husband can use all means, alternate them or combine them.

Respectable aggressor. Outwardly, such husbands look caring and exemplary. There are no noisy quarrels or assaults in their families. They use an arsenal of caustic jokes, sarcastic ridicule, and make casual critical remarks. A respectable tyrant expresses his constant dissatisfaction and hidden hostility with dismissive gestures, intonation, and gaze. Suppression in such a family is based on emotional abuse.

Both classic and respectable aggressors use fear and guilt as their main instruments of influence on their loved ones.

“Tell me how he beat? He just held me by the head and kicked me in the face, tearing out my hair."

Elena falls silent and looks out the window for a long time. We are sitting in a sunlit room. On the floor is a patient suitcase that has not been disassembled since September, on the wall is a painting that Elena made herself, on the table are photographs of a woman with children. Without a husband. “Tell me how he beat?” – Elena asks with a bitter smile.

– I remember in 2002 we bought a computer on credit. It was on the birthday of his daughter from his first marriage. The husband got very drunk and caused a scandal. I stood in the kitchen and cooked. As I see it now: I was stirring the goulash in a large frying pan with an iron handle. He came up to me and started beating me. I reached for the frying pan and began to choke. I grabbed the handle and, along with the goulash, hit him in the head. He went wild.

He then beat me like that! He just held me by the head and kicked me in the face, tearing out my hair. Trampled me. He beat me so bad! I was all blue. Again, the question is - why didn’t I leave then?

Elena sighs and moves her hands through her jacket.

“Then he said to me, “Oh, sorry!” - with tears in his eyes. “Forgive me, I'm a fool. How could I do this?!” Lord, what fools we women are! We are led by beautiful words, beautiful gestures, crocodile tears. For the same tears. Well, you can’t believe this, you can’t. Because then your whole life is derailed anyway. Then children appear, children suffer. Nothing good will happen. It's better to tear it up right away. To survive, to get over it, to endure. And start living differently.

Elena does not call her husband by name - only the impersonal “husband.” “Sasha” came out only once, when the woman spoke out and asked not to return to this topic again.

How a tyrant works

One of the options for the development of events can be divided into three stages. At the first stage, the future tyrant surrounds his young wife with care and love, and takes upon himself the solution to some of her problems. This could be a question of accommodation, help with studies, a desire to escape from parental care, financial support, or something else. A man does exactly what most women dream of - he becomes a support . But gradually he puts his wife into moral or financial dependence, since he alone makes decisions in all serious matters, leaving only the functions of housekeeping to his wife.

At the next stage, the despot gradually isolates his future victim from his usual environment and social activity. He either forces her to quit work or study, or devalues their importance, crowds out hobbies and interests, protects her from friends, acquaintances and relatives, using more or less sophisticated manipulations to achieve his goal.

At the same time, the tyrant husband lowers his woman’s self-esteem, constantly finding fault with some unimportant little things: he is not satisfied with culinary abilities, appearance, minor disorder in the house or the behavior of the children, responsibility for which he completely shifts to the mother. At this stage, manifestations of aggression are still insignificant; the main role is played by petty, but continuous, criticism and dissatisfaction.

The most unpleasant moment is that negative manifestations increase gradually , so the woman does not realize how low self-esteem and a powerful sense of guilt are consistently formed in her mind.

At the last stage of the formation of dependence, the tyrant influences his victim through elements of moral and physical aggression , using his sense of fear. The life of household members turns into constant attempts to please the despot, incessant anxiety and anticipation of outbreaks of aggression.

There are other options for a woman to develop dependence on her despot husband. But they all lead to one thing - the wife’s interests in the family are not taken into account, and she unconsciously tries to please her strict, critical husband. Living in constant, unconscious fear and humiliation leads to health problems. They can be somatic, and in some cases, mental: anxiety-phobic and anxiety disorders, depressive states, panic attacks, hypochondria, etc.

Where to apply?

Domestic violence can be physical and psychological and is usually qualified under the following articles of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation: 115 “Intentional infliction of minor bodily harm”, 116 “Beatings”, 117 “Torture”, 119 “Threat of murder or infliction of grievous bodily harm”. The maximum punishment under these articles of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation is quite serious, for example, under Art. 119 - imprisonment for up to two years, however, such a penalty cannot be applied if the crime was committed for the first time without aggravating circumstances. The issue of qualification is decided based on the results of the inspection in accordance with Art. 144 Code of Criminal Procedure of the Russian Federation.

In accordance with Article 145 of the Code of Criminal Procedure of the Russian Federation, in order to initiate a criminal case under the above articles, the victim must apply directly to the magistrate’s court since these are private prosecution cases. If a minor has been injured, you can contact the police or prosecutor’s office, and the case will be opened by an investigator or inquiry officer.

The application must indicate the name of the court to which it is being filed; description of the crime event, place, time, as well as the circumstances of its commission; a request addressed to the court to accept the criminal case for proceedings; information about the victim, as well as documents proving his identity; information about the person brought to criminal liability; a list of witnesses who need to be called to court; signature of the person submitting it.

The application can be accompanied by a certificate from the emergency room, which confirms the fact of bodily injuries and the date of their infliction. The information in this certificate is verified during the inspection under Art. 144 of the Code of Criminal Procedure of the Russian Federation, the results of which may serve as the basis for initiating a criminal case.

Patience is not an option!

Submission to the tyranny of a despot husband is a voluntary renunciation of one’s own happiness and hopes for a successful life for children. A woman living in a marriage with a man who oppresses her must first of all realize the fact that she has every right to adequately rebuff the tyrant, even ending the relationship, and this will only benefit both her and her children. Otherwise, household members will face constant stress, conflicts, somatic and mental illnesses, and a repetition of the pathological situation in the family life of children.

A consultation with a qualified psychologist or psychotherapist helps to understand the true reasons why a woman is unable to resist domestic tyranny. The specialist will identify hidden factors that prevent a woman from feeling like a free person and work on effective and safe behavior patterns. A good psychologist (psychotherapist) helps to find inner potential , through which a woman can model her independence. Freed from oppressive psychological attitudes, the victim of family tyranny finds financial and other resources in order to live a calm, happy life without guilt and fear and provide normal conditions for the development of his children.

Don't be left alone with your problems. Having realized that the circumstances of your family life do not suit you, ask for help - you have every right to live according to the laws that you set for yourself, to live a full and vibrant life and to be happy!

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Hope for deliverance from domestic tyranny

The main talent of a family despot is the ability to skillfully manipulate his loved ones. In those moments when emotional tension accumulates so powerfully that it threatens the tyrant with rebellion, he can become a loving and caring family man for a while. In this case, the woman softens, she has hope for a change in relationships, faith in a happy family life. But these illusions are in vain - the tyrant simply adds a “carrot” to the “stick method” as an additional means of control.

The bright periods of your relationship with your tyrant husband should not be your guide. A despot does not change , and without your independent work on the situation, it is not possible to escape from the trap of psychological dependence. It is impossible to change the behavior of a tyrant husband without changing yourself. In the same way, it is almost impossible to get rid of the power of a despot without dealing with your own psychological problems.

Another sophisticated model of behavior of a tyrant husband: a man forms a “wonderful father and bad mother” . He spends a lot of time with the children, gradually excluding his wife from their joint entertainment, leaving only service functions to her. The father constantly emphasizes his merits (a good fisherman, athlete, etc., a model for his children), while belittling the mother’s qualities in their eyes. A woman has an even greater incentive to please her husband - after all, he and his children love each other so much. This is also a “carrot” that makes the usual “stick” even more effective. It has been noted that after a divorce, such husbands do not pay any attention to their children, since they no longer need a tool to influence their wife.

Why do women submit to domestic tyranny?

Very often, the illogical, sacrificial and subordinate position of the wife of a family despot is associated with the stereotypes . These deep-seated beliefs also operate on an unconscious level. In many ways they do not correspond to modern realities, but they still guide our actions. In the 21st century, unlike in antiquity, a woman and her offspring can physically and financially exist without a male, but behavioral patterns formed over centuries are not so easy to overcome.

Fear of loneliness . Despite the fact that many of our contemporaries consciously choose life without a constant companion, while remaining happy women and wonderful mothers of successful children, the fear of loneliness is one of the powerful incentives to continue coexistence with a tyrant.
The fear of leaving children without a father also cannot serve as a sufficient justification for domestic violence. Psychologists are categorical - life with a despot father who oppresses the mother brings more harm to the child than good.
Influence of relatives and friends. The older generation is most often determined to preserve the family at any cost, while the blame for the destruction of the “unit of society” is shifted not to the tyrant husband, but to the wife, who initiates the breakup. A woman, not feeling the support of her family, is afraid to be left “alone” with her problems after a divorce.
Threats, intimidation, low self-esteem . Through these key tools, the husband effectively keeps the victimized wife in submission.
Hope for better relations . A woman, most often without reason, expects her tyrant husband to change his behavior. But neither a future nor an already established despot will work on himself unless external circumstances force him to do so.
Love . Often women formulate the reason for their endless patience this way. But usually this behavior hides not a strong, sincere, high feeling, but more complex psychological reasons.
Material dependence . It can manifest itself in different forms: the wife’s lack of income, her own living space, profession, funds to pay for studies or treatment of children. But we must remember that without decisive independent steps, material dependence will only grow over time, reinforced by psychological dependence.
Peculiarities of the woman's psyche. Victim syndrome is an unconscious need to have an oppressor master. The victim wife most often copies the behavior of her own mother, having absorbed this model since childhood.

Slaps and slaps on the head came already in the first years of marriage

“My husband and I met by chance,” Elena recalls. “Everything started to spin very quickly.” He immediately offered to live together, then quickly invited her to marry. He never left my side. And how beautifully he spoke! I believed him. My parents died shortly before we met. He took me “lukewarm” - in a state of shock. He easily convinced me of his reliability, which was so lacking.

When we started talking about her husband, Elena’s manner of speaking changed dramatically. Not a trace remains of the cheerful chatter.

“And so we started living together,” Elena continues. “We didn’t fight often at first. At that time I already had little Seryozhka, a son from my first marriage. It really influenced me - that Seryozhka liked him. Bribed me.

Elena says that slaps and slaps on the head came already in the first years of their life together. The woman always found an excuse for this - they say, it was her own fault. But after 11 years of marriage, more severe beatings began.

The family had financial problems and had to go to Russia to earn money. Elena got a job at the market, but her husband could not find a job for a long time. He said: “Well, I won’t go to the market as a loader.”

He has only a basic education, but his hands are golden - he earned money by finishing work in houses and apartments. But in the end I had to go to the market. He didn’t bring money home - he drank and skipped. And he raised his hand more and more often. Even when Elena became pregnant.

“I had a case,” says Elena. “I was walking through the city after another scandal - pregnant with David at that time. I saw the headlights shining and stepped under the car. The driver braked and jumped out. At first he began to scold me. Then I saw that I was all in tears, I realized what state I was in. He put me in the car to talk. He turned out to be a policeman, an investigator. He supported me then. He said that you can report your husband so that he doesn’t let go. But I was afraid - we were nobody in Russia.

Elena forgave her husband again. But the “swing” – beatings and apologies – continued. The woman kicked her husband out only when she became pregnant again. And she found out that only she wants this child.

“Then my husband wanted to return. He said that in order to provide for his family, he would go to Israel. He will make money there, everything will be cool. I fell for it again. Listen, he can lie so beautifully. I'm ashamed, but I believed. I needed to trust someone, and he was there. If someone told me: “Open your eyes, look wider. This, this is wrong,” I would draw attention to. But I was alone. There were no close people; all acquaintances in Russia were casual. Forgave, forgave - betrayal, drunkenness, beatings.

What evidence will be required?

It is good when there are witnesses who can confirm the information specified in the application. However, their absence, as many mistakenly believe, cannot be a basis for refusing to initiate a case, since when resolving this issue, the entire set of circumstances that are relevant must be assessed.

When preparing for the trial, magistrates are recommended to request information about the criminal record and bringing to administrative responsibility of the accused (defendants), certificates from the narcology and mental health clinic, characteristics from the place of residence and work. If the accused has previously been convicted of hooliganism or insult, and it is recorded in the case materials the fact of violent actions on his part, this will serve as an additional basis for initiating a criminal case.