Hi all! Who is in charge in the family is a very popular and aggravated question in many married couples. The partners got married and look at how much was donated by the guests, count the money and think about what to spend it on: buy a fur coat for the wife or make a contribution to buy an apartment, since you don’t want to live with your parents.
Time passed, but it was still impossible to decide. Both stand their ground. Advice is heard from parents: you have become a family and solve this issue together and independently. That's good advice. A new unit of society was formed. The rules of interaction, responsibilities and rights are determined only by the spouses. And the question often arises: who should be the head of the family?
If you pay attention to society, then, recently, more and more couples are beginning to adhere to equality between women and men. Also, the changes affected the concept of “head of the family”.
How to determine who is boss in the family
Just 100 years ago this issue was not discussed. Now his decision determines how successful and long the family life will be. From time immemorial, the head of the family has been a man. And here it is better to give preference to your husband, agreeing with social stereotypes. But what about the fact that today, more and more often, the most important person in the family is the one who solves all problems, establishes a stable order of things and is responsible for the quiet existence of his own household members.
When the husband is the head of seven, it means that there is patriarchy in the family.
When a woman is the head of the family, this means that there is a matriarchy in the family.
So which model of family relationships is correct?
Head of the family
According to psychologists, a family is a small state ruled by a man who is fair, brave, and able to stand up for his loved ones. Only then will the family develop correctly.
But today in many families all household chores fall on the shoulders of women.
What will happen to such a family if a woman is in charge? First, she must get rid of the emotions that overwhelm her, because basically all women are too emotional.
Will she be able to protect her family from danger? No, only a man can do this. In a normal healthy family, the head of the family is usually the husband.
What qualities should the head of the family have?
- Each family member has the right to vote, and the head must respect each, but choose the fairest. If he listens only to himself, he will hardly be respected. The title of a tyrant who revels in his importance will take root behind him;
- Any man is obliged to provide his family with everything necessary so that its members do not need anything. But in modern life there are often cases when a wife earns money and supports both the children and the husband, while he lies on the couch and drinks beer;
- The head of the family must be competent in all family matters.
To be a true head of the family, this status must be supported by deeds.
What are the responsibilities of a husband and wife
How to constructively solve problems without pulling the blanket of the head of the family over yourself? To do this, you need to know the responsibilities of spouses that have been established from time immemorial, which cannot be changed no matter what century it is.
| Husband's responsibilities | Responsibilities of a wife |
| financial security and family protection | giving birth and raising children |
| devotion to wife and children | tolerance and support for husband's status |
| family leadership and control | creating and maintaining comfort and coziness in the home |
| making important decisions | establishing a microclimate in relationships |
| emotional gratitude to wife | providing moral assistance to the husband |
A family needs a clear distribution of responsibilities and roles. A woman believes that she bears all the worries and difficulties of family life, underestimating a man’s authority and claiming that the wife is the main one in the family! The husband, quite often, claims supremacy solely because he is a man and does not want to listen to the woman. Who is the boss in the family? How to determine?
A successful marriage is a rare occurrence today. Every person dreams of having a happy marriage, but not everyone knows how to achieve this. Happiness in marriage does not come on its own. We need to work on it. And increasingly, the question of supremacy stands in the way.
There cannot be two leaders in a family. There will always be someone who will make a decision and take responsibility. But the ability to give in does not mean that you are showing weakness. On the contrary, it is indicative of wisdom.
Spouses must agree on whether the man or woman is the head of the family, otherwise the blanket will constantly be pulled over oneself. Despite the fact that much in family life depends on the man, the psychological climate in the house is mainly determined by the woman.
The following mini-test will help determine the leader in the family. Circle the appropriate letter or two (if you're on the same page) in the following test. Calculate which is more “m” or “f”. This way you will find out who is more important in your family: husband or wife.
| Functions of the head of the family | Responsibilities of the head of the family | ||
| m/f | control and implementation of clear rules | m/f | Making money . Who is the guarantor of the material well-being of his family. And also who is responsible for the safety and accumulation of family investments. |
| m/f | strategic and tactical cost allocation | m/f | Making important decisions . Who takes the initiative in making all fundamentally important decisions. |
| m/f | solving difficult issues and taking responsibility for the consequences | m/f | Security . Who has full responsibility for each family member. Who eliminates intra-family conflicts. |
| m/f | forceful resolution of the problem | m/f | Personal example . Who sets an example to follow by his behavior. Both spouses or just one? |
| m/f | representative functions | M = | |
| M = | F = | ||
| F = | |||
A father is a model of masculinity for a son, and for a daughter, a standard by which she will choose a life partner in the future.
The behavior of the mother is the key to a successful relationship between the son and his wife in the future, and for the daughter the standard for raising her children.
Now remember your father and mother, and the parents of your companion. Is it so? Do you copy the patterns adopted in childhood in your family?
Home woman
Nowadays, it is not uncommon for a woman to take on the active role of “breadwinner”, while the guy takes care of everyday life. This model is good when the girl is active: she likes to build a career, be responsible for social connections, and the guy is an introvert, a “homebody.” It also happens that the man brings the main income into the piggy bank, but the woman makes all the responsible decisions, and she also manages large monetary expenses.
Unfortunately, sometimes this scenario depresses both. For example, initially a girl takes on more responsibilities in order to help her partner, take care of him, and solve his problems. Gradually the guy “gets the taste” and completely relieves himself of responsibility. What we have? A woman who feels like a “squirrel in a wheel” and a man who is gradually turning into a typical “couch whiner.” I talk more about this in the article “I am a woman, not a draft horse!”: what to do if a man sits on your neck?
A woman’s dominance works as long as she happily takes on the solution to difficulties and does not nag her partner for inaction. But if you feel growing irritation or fatigue: it's time to switch roles.
Tell me, have you met couples in which the girl literally “drags” the family on her shoulders? How do you feel about this? I'm waiting for answers in the comments!
The attitude of psychologists to this issue
When is a woman the head of the family? Then when she builds relationships. When her wisdom manifests itself in
ability to influence her husband’s decisions: he is the head, she is the neck. The aphorism “A man and a dog are masters in the yard, and a woman and a cat are masters in the house” has not lost its main meaning to this day. The mother is the head of the family - this is the internal climate, mental comfort.
When is a man the head of the family? When a woman allows him to do this.
Women are increasingly complaining that they cannot find a real man. But they simply cannot allow men to take over them. After all, a modern woman is used to deciding everything herself and cannot allow herself to be commanded.
But sometimes our parents' script interferes with our lives. If in the husband’s family the mother was responsible for everything, the children always went to their mother for help and did not decide anything on their own without her consent, then in his own family, such a man would without hesitation give leadership to his wife.
But women from patriarchal families will, without hesitation, agree with the leadership of their spouse.
What to do if a woman is used to deciding everything for herself all her life, used to being a captain, not an assistant. Very often, such women get married late because they cannot find “that same Man.” But the problem is not that there are no worthy men nearby, but that (as mentioned above) they simply cannot allow someone to dominate them. Psychologists believe that in this case, the woman should soften, begin to yield to the man and gradually delegate some leadership responsibilities to her partner. This is the only way she can feel like a real woman. But don’t be upset and think that now you are subordinate. It's time to turn on feminine wisdom, remembering that a woman is “the neck that rules the head.” If a woman remembers this more often and skillfully applies it, this will help avoid numerous conflicts in family life. And the marriage will be long and happy. When handing over the post of “head of the family”, practical recommendations will help the spouse:
- Agree that the head of the family is the husband . Take this as an axiom. Transfer not only responsibility, but also the right to make decisions. Show not by word, but by deed, that you respect his opinion.
- Stop being irritated and nagging your spouse. He also has a head and the ability to draw conclusions. You can suggest something, give several options for solving the problem, but let him decide what to choose.
- Particularly hardworking people should reduce their activities or quit their jobs. This is where trust in a man begins, and this makes it easier to transfer leadership to the husband. Unless, of course, it is necessary and does not significantly affect your family budget.
- Have patience . The male role is also difficult for him, just like the female role for you. A woman is also not an ideal housewife every day, so why do we demand from a man that he be ideal.
- Praise your husband for his strength and masculinity . He will appreciate it and will carry his wife in his arms. The ability to timely praise your spouse and notice his achievements will strengthen his self-confidence and increase productivity.
The real head of the family is the two who managed to come to an agreement.
Psychologists advise that even at the stage of a romantic relationship, understand and agree who in the future family will make the final decision and be responsible for it. The wedding tradition of “who can bite off the most pie” is like an instruction from ancestors that it is still important to decide on the head of the family hearth.
Today, young couples are increasingly getting married because: “All my friends are married and I want to, I’m no worse,” “It’s time for me,” “What will others say,” “All the younger brothers and sisters are already married,” etc. .d. And they completely forget about how they will live in this marriage later.
No one person has to make all the decisions. The following correct phrases are often heard in families:
- “So, you take care of the children, I provide financial support” or
- “You regulate the issues of the family budget: where to spend, how much to save, where to invest, because... you are more competent/competent" or
- “I hire workers for renovations, I also supervise them, but you do the planning and interior design, I trust your taste.”
The main thing is that these phrases are not the beginning of a conflict. It is important that both spouses come to a compromise, talk out loud all the responsibilities and agree. So that there is no such thing as “my mother gave more money for the wedding, it’s up to me to decide where to spend it.”
Proper distribution of responsibilities will build a harmonious climate within the family. Delegation of responsibilities in making certain issues will eliminate conflict situations.
Family is not a place to realize leadership ambitions, it is a place where all family members feel safe and calm, where everyone respects each other’s opinions . Family is a place where children come to their mother for advice in personal relationships, and to their father for male support .
Read the article: Practical advice from a psychologist for a young family
Who's the boss in the house?
Who is the boss in the house? If you believe the popular song “dad is, of course, the head of the house, if mom, of course, is not,” if you believe your eyes and ears, looking around the expanses of many familiar houses, then the head of the house is, perhaps, most often the wife. And often the husband is not at all against this arrangement. Less power means less responsibility. The wife is the head of the family even when it is declared that the head is the husband. This is when “the wife is the neck”, wherever I want, the head will turn there.
You can find families in which the head is really the husband. A real head, a wise leader, whom all household members really respect, love, and whose advice they really want to follow. And there are also fairy-tale, dragon, multi-headed families. The grandmothers, the wife, and the children are trying to be the heads of them all at the same time. Grandmothers have more experience, and children get the best. It is difficult to determine who is more important and louder in this situation.
Who is the boss in the house? Why, why on earth – the main one? This is not an idle question. This is the question of why we are together. Why, for what we are a family.
The main one is who earns more money? Logical. This is when we live for money.
The main one, “on whom the whole house rests”? Also logical. This is when the floor is clean, hot borscht and ironed shirts, that is, “everyday life” and “comfort” are what we live for.
The home is led by the family value system.
The home is led by the family's value system, and this value system determines everything
And this value system determines everything. All. How we talk to each other. Where does our morning begin? How we sit down at the table. What is the layout of the rooms in our house? Where do children go for the summer? How we greet the news of pregnancy. How we face the death of someone we loved...
Every family, from the moment the future spouses meet, from the first words spoken about marriage, determines for itself this main value. This value is the very thing that unites two souls into one house - or this value gradually grows along with the structure of the house. One way or another, it is this value that becomes the foundation of the house and completes it, heads it. At first it could be one value - and gradually it will be replaced by another. We can also specifically, consciously renounce one value and dedicate our home to a completely different one. How a monastery grows on a destroyed temple, how a pagan temple turns into a place of service to the True God.
***
The family is the unit of society.
A family is a joint household.
A family is several people under one roof, sleeping, eating and solving current problems.
But the family can get up, rise, grow. Move from the “limousine-love boat crashed into everyday life-divorced” plane to the spiritual plane. From existence to Life.
Real family
Saint John Chrysostom
There is only one way - to deny yourself and follow Christ Himself
What is a real family? We can fantasize, we can rely on fiction, we can bring up scientific works on philosophy, sociology, the psychology of family relationships, we can surf forums and social networks (on “Orthodox” ones, of course!), we can gather a circle of friends and relatives at the table, we can just follow "logical reasoning". And this will be a lot of very interesting opinions and a storehouse of life experience of our friends. But if for us the real, the true means Christ’s, then there is only one way - to deny ourselves and follow Christ Himself. Build your house not on the sand of opinions and conceit, but on the rock of church teaching about family structure.
One of the main exponents of this teaching, one of those who clearly and in detail told us what a real Christian family is, turns out to be the great ecumenical teacher and saint John Chrysostom, Archbishop of Constantinople.
***
The family is a small Church (that’s right, with a capital C ) , as St. John Chrysostom states[1].
A family can even be a paradise: “...make your home a heaven,” the same John Chrysostom calls on us. And then he adds absolutely amazing words, my favorite words:
“Where husband, and wife, and children are united in harmony and love by the bonds of virtue, there is Christ in the midst.”[2].
Christ can be “in the midst” of our home. Inside our house. The living God is with us.
The family – the small Church – is headed by God
Provided that there is love and harmony in the house. If we are all united with each other not only by everyday life, not only by pleasant feelings, but also by the desire for virtue... And God will be the main thing in the house.
The head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God (1 Cor. 11:3).
It turns out that there is such a hierarchy in the family, in marriage: the wife has a head, and this is her husband; and the husband, in turn, has a head - this is Christ. The main one in such a family is God Himself.
“In marriage there is always a third person - the Person of God Himself” [3], writes S. Troitsky, a researcher of the patristic teaching on marriage.
The family—the small Church—is headed by God. And he enters this house and is inside it. God, who created heaven and earth, may be among us. And it really is possible. This is a real family: one in which God is the main one.
Family relationships - to God
In a family we are connected to each other. Mutual obligations, mutual responsibility. Christ is in the midst of every relationship in a real family. Let's see what it looks like.
Husband
A husband must love his wife, just as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for her (Eph. 5:25-33). It’s not easy to love. Loving your wife is with God, for God’s sake, as the path to God:
“You should love her not so much for her own sake, but for Christ’s sake... So, do everything out of obedience to the Lord and as if you were doing everything for His sake.”[4].
How exactly to love, where is the measure of this love - it is said: like Christ. To death. In everyday life it is also very clear:
“At least you see that she neglects you, that she is depraved, that she despises you, know how to bring her to your feet with your great care for her, love and friendship. There are no bonds stronger than these, especially for a husband and wife... the community of life... must be tied to oneself not with fear and threats, but with love and affection.” [5].
As long as everything goes well, as long as everything is in order, it is not difficult to love your wife for her own sake, for the sake of the joy that communication with your beloved, beautiful, dear woman brings. And when everything turns upside down, when the wife does everything wrong, and says the wrong thing, and is hysterical, and a quarrelsome woman, and the very sight of this grumpy woman causes irritation... In the end, when she herself does not fulfill the duties assigned to her, when she doesn’t listen to her husband and is even “depraved”... Then it’s already a feat for Christ’s sake - to love her. Then it’s a feat to wrap her in warm care, “love and friendship.” For the sake of Christ, in whose Name we live, to whom our House is dedicated, for the sake of obedience to the true Head of the family.
Wife
A wife must submit to her husband, just as the Church submits to Christ (Col. 3:18, Eph. 22-24). And again - to obey not for the sake of your husband (although for his sake too), and not for the sake of peace and harmony in the family (although peace is ensured), but as if serving God, serving the One for whose sake all relationships in the family are built, for whose sake - this whole house. According to Chrysostom, a wife must obey her husband “if not for the sake of her husband, then, especially, for the sake of the Lord”[6]. This, the teacher of the Church continues, means leaving a husband or wife to follow Christ: that is, fulfilling one’s duty of love for one’s wife and, accordingly, obedience to one’s husband precisely for the sake of God, precisely as service to God. And the saint reminds us, wives, of the words of the apostle:
“If you obey your husband, then think that you obey as one who works for the Lord.”[7].
It is easy to listen to the one you love, it is easy to obey the husband who loves you. For whom you are the only one, beautiful, dear. But minor and serious problems, illnesses, grievances, fatigue, in the end, the obvious antics of the female psyche during pregnancy and during ordinary female conditions - all this first of all spills over into the relationship with her husband. And if at this time you see only your husband, then... it’s not so easy to pull yourself together, it’s not so easy to force yourself to obey him. The one who, of course, is wrong (how can you put greens in soup before potatoes?! How can you allow children to watch cartoons for 4 hours in a row? How can you put a plate of blueberries on a white tablecloth in front of a child?!). Listening to your husband at this time is difficult, almost impossible.
What if you look not at your husband, who causes irritation, but turn to God? To obey my husband is not because he is right, but because the Lord is right, who commanded me to obey. Obeying your husband is like making a sacrifice to God. And the most amazing thing is that in such cases, when for the sake of the Lord, and not in the name of logic and especially not in the name of demonstrating obedience (now the husband will see all the absurdity of his orders!) he manages to defeat his pride, his desire to emerge victorious in all quarrels , – then everything falls into place. For the sake of such a tiny feat, the Lord, the Head of our house, gives peace to our house. And love gives - not the love that “by itself” once brought us to each other, but a new love, even stronger and stronger. And after such a small effort on oneself, made precisely for the sake of God, “natural”, easy obedience to the husband appears, obedience in love for him, obedience in the joy of agreement and like-mindedness... Yes, like-mindedness in the family is achieved somehow even banally: the wife obeys her husband - and there can be no disagreement:
“It was not simply and not in vain that Paul showed great concern for this matter when he said: “Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord.” Why? Because if they are of the same mind, then their children are brought up well... But if the opposite happens somewhere, then everything is a mess there..." [8].
This is how easily peace and unanimity come to the house: if a wife hears and listens to her husband, where will disagreements come from? The very mechanism for the emergence of quarrels, anarchy, “disorder”, in which our children are usually brought up - children of disorderly families - is destroyed...
Children
Children should obey their parents, for this is pleasing to the Lord (Eph. 6:1-3, Col. 3:20). And not at all because parents are always right. Is it possible to be right in not allowing children to go to the river? Or wrong?... But obey - “in the Lord,” that is, when parents do not demand that their children break the commandments.
Parents are educators to whom the King and Father entrusted the upbringing of His children.
And the attitude of parents towards children: parents must raise their children in the teaching and admonition of the Lord (Eph. 6:4), again - for God. Parents raise children not for themselves, not in order to please their vanity with childhood achievements, and not even in order to “put their old age to rest.” Parents are educators to whom the King and Father entrusted the upbringing of His children. To raise them according to His laws, according to His rules, according to His Image, for Him, so that they can live with Him, reign in His Kingdom... We accept the children given to us by God as a “pledge” entrusted to us, and we prepare them to meet God[9]…
This is also not just a theory or ideology. This attitude towards children affects the entire structure of our care for children. We send our children to sambo and to the swimming pool, we look for English courses for them with a native-speaking teacher, we prepare them for mathematics olympiads, we read funny books by Astrid Lindgren, turn on cartoons about rabbits and films about Sherlock Holmes - but the main thing is always what the Lord entrusted our children to us for. The main thing is when we do not allow children’s activities, children’s hobbies to grow and support children’s sins and passions. The main thing is when we build every child’s day, and the entire space of children’s activities, in memory of this main thing. The main thing is when the “teaching of the Lord” precedes and accompanies all other types of teaching children and all our communication with our children. The main thing is when we begin every task, every day, and every seventh day we join our small Church to the Great Church. When the community of our entire family with the Church of Christ, with the teachings of the Church permeates the entire structure of life in our home.
If the Lord entrusted us, namely us, with the upbringing of our children, this also means the degree of involvement of parents in the upbringing of children. We can no longer brush aside this task, this commandment, “because there is no time,” and even because “I don’t know how to raise children,” we cannot easily and completely throw this good yoke onto someone else’s shoulders. Moreover, in our house, above our house, there is our Head, our true Father, Educator and Teacher - the Lord, who will always take care of our children. Will help us raise them. If we ask Him for help, if we generally call Him into our home, if we dedicate our home to Him. Then it turns out that our children are born and live in the house of God... Nothing less. Because what else can you call a house in which God is the Head? What else can you call a small Church?
If the Lord entrusts us with children, then we will greet the arrival of a new baby with joy: after all, this is not an accidental “flight”, but a gift to our home, a gift from our God. And with calm confidence: since the Lord gave the baby, He will help us take care of him. And if it seems to us that we are not ready, that we cannot cope... it only seems so: God gave - He will help us cope, He knows when and who to bring to our home. And all we can do is accept the baby, love him and raise him. For the One who sent it to us.
And if He took the baby... Big, small or long-awaited, but not yet born... This is a grief that can destroy the house. This is grief. But it destroys when the house is not towards God, not in God. But a real family is the house of God. After all, the baby is God’s. After all, the birth of a baby is not a prize, not a toy, birth is a task to raise a little person for his true Lord and Father. Our God, our King entrusted us with education - and took our pupil back to Himself. We loved this baby, we cared for him - but our King withdrew His commission. We thought we would raise the baby until he grew up. So that he himself can continue to live - live towards God, go to God and enter the Kingdom of Heaven. And the Lord gave us to take care of him not until he was an adult, but just the first trimester of pregnancy, or just until his fifth birthday... And he went to God, to his Father, much earlier than we had hoped. But the main thing is that in the end, now or in eighty years, he comes to Him, into His hands... Isn’t that what we prayed for from the very moment the pregnancy test showed two red stripes?
Everything in a real family is towards God and in God. And therefore - everything is simple, everything is easy, even when it is too difficult and not at all easy. Our whole house is in God’s hands...
With love and unanimity for the Indivisible Trinity
It’s like this: serving God in the family seems to turn us away from each other. And indeed, Chrysostom says: listening to a husband for the sake of God means “leaving husband and wife” by following Christ. And it turns out as if we, going to God, are leaving each other. But the miracle is that everything is exactly the opposite. After all, all these commandments about family relationships literally force us to be closer to each other, closer, in general, nowhere.
We go to God - and unite along this path, this path with each other
Abba Dorotheos says that God is the sun, and we humans are like the rays of the sun: the closer we are to God, the closer we are to each other. These are the two main commandments: “love God” and “love your neighbor.” We go to God - and unite along this path, this path with each other. This happens even with a monk, to whom the words of Abba Dorotheus are mainly addressed. What can we say about family!
In a family we go to God together. Love for God truly and eternally unites us with each other.
We are bound not only by mutual debt, mutual obligations, by those commandments that we, family people, must observe if we consider ourselves Christians.
A family is a single organism. This is a unit, not a set
A family is a single organism. This is a unit, not a multitude.
It all starts with an incomprehensible thing: husband and wife are one person. Saint John Chrysostom says:
“It is known that from the beginning God took special care of this union, and, speaking about both, He expresses himself as one: I created husband and wife (Mark 10:6) ... He arranged from the beginning, uniting them into one, as if on a stone foundation"[10].
Many times, in a variety of sermons, the saint repeats that “a husband and wife are not two people, but one person”[11].
“From the ideal point of view of God’s perfection and God-manhood, that is, what a truly Christian and most perfect married couple should be, it is “one flesh,” one indivisible bodily-spiritual organism, with one body and one soul, one mind, one heart, one will “ [12], wrote the teacher of St. Hilarion (Trinity) prof. M.D. Muretov.
The community of husband and wife and the less close but also strong connection between parents and children are not idle words or abstract philosophy. Yes, of course, husband and wife are two halves, we love each other, and we love our children. But, as it turns out, this situation moves from the category of a romantic image into a plane that for a believer is incredibly serious and even scary.
This is how Saint John Chrysostom addresses the father of the family:
“Is it really possible that if our wives and children are disorderly, we will be held accountable for them? Yes, if (this happens) because we do not accept strict measures, because for salvation our own virtue is not enough for us... but the (virtue) of another is also required.” [13].
That's it - your own virtue is not enough. You won’t be able to work hard yourself, but others will do it somehow, at their discretion. A family man will not be able to go to God if he does not lead and does not try to bring both his wife and his children to Him. Here are the words of Chrysostom, from another of his sermons:
“You are responsible for saving both children and household members. Just as we will give an account for you, so each of you is responsible... for your wife and for your son.” [14].
This responsibility in itself makes us one. And this whole begins to live like a living organism, sick or healthy.
It seems that the doctrine of salvation speaks of the salvation of a person’s soul. But the house can also be saved as a single soul. For example, salvation has come to this house (Luke 19:9). Salvation is not for the owner of the house alone, not for the housewife alone, not for the servant of God Alexander or Elena, John or Vasilisa - but for the house.
A house can be saved - and can perish, “fall into wickedness”, and also - as a single whole, as a connectedness, as the interdependence of household members. In the book “The Shepherd” of Hermas, included in the “Writings of the Apostolic Men,” we read:
“It is not for your sake that the Lord is angry with you, but for your house, which has fallen into wickedness <...> And you, loving your children, did not admonish your family, but allowed them to become corrupt.”[15]..
We have obligations to each other. And before God. This is not just a tradition, not just a way of life, but a path to salvation. Fulfill all these obligations - together, with the whole house, go to God. Yes, the house can walk. To God or from God. And the house goes to God if it is a real house. And, one by one, we gradually move from our earthly home to eternity, to God. We must, we must come to God. And then it turns out that some of our family are still here on earth, while others are already “in place,” already with God. And the house goes into eternity. And the house turns out to be eternal.
This is how a house is built: from earth to eternity. From the very beginning – and forever.
Saint John Chrysostom suggests that the husband speak about this to his wife immediately after the wedding:
“Real life means nothing, and I ask, and beg, and try in every possible way to make us worthy of arranging real life in such a way that we can meet each other completely fearlessly there, in the next century. The present tense is brief and unreliable; If we are worthy to cross this life, pleasing God, then we will dwell forever with Christ in great joy. I prefer your love to everything, and nothing can be as hard for me as to ever be separated from you.” [16].
To be together forever, to be with God forever
Never be separated - neither in earthly life nor in eternity. To be together forever, to be with God forever.
***
Fulfilling the commandments entrusted to us, family people, can be a difficult feat. Probably comparable to martyrdom or foolishness... If you have to serve God in the family - alone, if you have to love your obstinate wife for the sake of God, if you have to be submissive to a hard-hearted husband for the sake of God. Do not abandon your cross, but carry it to the end. Even to death... After all, they don’t come down from the cross. They are taken down from the cross...
***
But if we follow this path together, if we serve God together in this way, then our home will truly become heaven on earth. Where the husband surrounds his wife with care, love and friendship, where the wife is obedient to her husband and like-minded with him, where parents devote themselves to caring for their children and raising them, where all relationships are in love for each other and for God. And we will restore this heaven, this paradise again and again, when our pride, our passions lead us astray from our chosen path. They shot down, they are shooting down and will continue to shoot down as long as we live on this earth... And we, falling, will get up again, and again we will walk, crawl, climb, helping each other, pulling each other out. So that our children are born and grow up in the house of God. To serve God as is available to us, as He Himself commanded us. So that we all meet in the Kingdom of Heaven. So that our family may remain forever with Christ, with the Head of our home. And so that our love never ceases.
The Church's attitude to this issue
Who should be the head of the family? In Christianity, the answer is clear and simple: husband .
The Christian headship of the husband is perceived as a duty to care and think about each family member, to maintain well-being and peace in the family.
The Church takes the position that the wife submits to her husband, just as the Church submits to God. At the same time, the husband must also love his wife, and if necessary, then make a sacrifice for her, just as Christ sacrificed himself for the sake of faith. For the sake of the Church, Christ went to the torment. Is the head of the family capable of doing this for the sake of his wife? Many men still need to grow to this level.
The position of the church is that there can be no equality in the family. The inequality that God created in the relationship between men and women is not at all humiliating. No matter what century it is, a woman’s responsibility to give birth to children cannot be shifted to her husband.
The recipe for a harmonious life is very simple: love and respect each other.
What does partnership mean and is it possible under patriarchy?
Let's look into Ozhegov's explanatory dictionary:
partner, -a, m. 1. participant of some kind. joint activities. Business item, trade item, partner countries (states that are participants in some kind of union, bloc, agreement). item on fishing. 2. a participant (game, dance, performance) in relation to another participant. the partners agreed to a draw. n. ballerinas. ii f. partner, -i (to 2 meanings; colloquial). ii adj. partner, -aya, -oe.
The first meaning of the word is more suitable for our conversation, and there are no contradictions here, you can see for yourself. Already from the definition it follows that under patriarchy partnership is possible. The opposite is also possible; everything depends on specific people, and not on the presence or absence of power. However, I will present my thoughts on the contradiction of partnership and hierarchy with the distribution of roles.
The founders of the organization are partners
Let me turn to a business analogy. Let's imagine a commercial organization with two founders. The roles are clearly distributed: one produces the product (or manages production), the second sells (or manages sales). In this case, the first partner may have a controlling stake in the product, say, 60%, and the second – 40%. It happens in different ways, both 5/95 and 50/50, and all these situations have the right to life. In our example, there is no formal mathematical equality, but there is no discrimination either. Lack of mathematical equality does not mean discrimination, because happy is not the one who has a lot or the same amount, but the one who has enough! So they agreed when creating a joint stock company, voluntarily, it was beneficial for both. Roles have been assigned, and no one thinks of interfering in the affairs of others. Everything works great and everyone is happy. Although, there is a hierarchy and roles, as in any organization. Why not a partnership?
PARTNERS ARE NOT ONLY THOSE WHO SHARE THE COMPANY’S PROFIT EQUALLY, BUT EVERYONE WHO RECEIVES AT LEAST SOME PROFIT
I repeat, it does not matter that there is someone in charge, that the shares in the authorized capital are not equal and that roles and areas of responsibility are distributed. The main thing is that the company operates efficiently and makes a profit, and that the founders are satisfied with the result. Likewise, it does not matter that a man has priority in decision-making. It is important that they are happy with each other.
So, partner patriarchy implies that STRATEGICALLY IMPORTANT DECISIONS IN THE FAMILY ARE MADE BY THE HUSBAND AND DOES THIS IN THE INTERESTS OF THE FAMILY, and therefore in the interests of the woman. This format of relationship does not at all deny discussions and participation in decision-making by both spouses, but the last word remains with the man.
Here is one of the cinematic examples of the manifestation of male dominance in the family (series “Always Say Always”, season 5, episode 4):
In a critical situation, a man correctly but firmly told his woman what to do, and she obeyed him, even though she is a successful leader, the CEO of a company. At the same time, pay attention to how tender the relationship is between them and how relaxed and protected the main character is next to her man. This is correct patriarchy.
Or another episode from the film “Gingerbread from Potatoes”. In the story, a girl asked a guy doing renovations in a neighbor's house to enter into a fictitious marriage with her so that she could adopt a boy who had become an orphan...
And here she is a business leader, accustomed to commanding and building men. But that was not the case... And she did not resist for long, and then out of habit. After which she relaxed and experienced a real thrill from having a strong man nearby, capable of resolving issues and making decisions for her. Which I immediately told my friend about in joy. It all ended in a real family idyll. He makes decisions, and she is relaxed, content, and peaceful:
Many will say that this is a fairy tale, it doesn’t happen, but that doesn’t matter now. I'm just trying to demonstrate the idea, and it goes like this:
THE MAN IS THE CHIEF, AND THE WOMAN IS HAPPY.
The difference between a male leader and a male despot is significant. The head is responsible for everything, he is to blame for everything. The despot is not responsible (or pretends to be), and everyone around him is to blame. Do you feel the difference?
It is obvious that a man and a woman can only be happy together. It does not happen that in one family the husband is happy and the wife is unhappy, or vice versa. Thus, for happiness and harmonious relationships, a win- win strategy is necessary, the responsibility for the implementation of which lies with the head of the family - the man. Abuse of power will lead to decisions being made that are beneficial to the man and disadvantageous to the woman (and children), which means that the original essence of patriarchy will be violated, which can be expressed by the following formula:
FOR A WIFE, THE HUSBAND'S WORD IS THE LAW, FOR A HUSBAND, THE INTERESTS OF THE WIFE AND CHILDREN ARE ABOVE ALL
How to distribute correctly?
We are all different and unique. There is no single scheme for dividing family responsibilities .
For example, somewhere a wife loves to repair household appliances and literally meditates during this process, but the husband does not like to tinker with household appliances.
In another family, a man cooks well and from early childhood dreamed of becoming a cook.
But his wife is so tired from caring for two children that she categorically refuses to cook.
And in each of these situations, the spouses are satisfied with their responsibilities .
So how to distribute responsibilities? Take as a basis the traditional scheme of distribution of responsibilities in the family (male and female).
Family is no place for ambition.
Today you can often see how young people get married not because they are “ripe” for it, but because “it’s time,” “relatives are pressing,” “girlfriends/friends have all been married for a long time and have children.” By creating an alliance in this way, people do not think that the family is not the place where they should realize their leadership ambitions. In a family, each member should feel comfortable, calm and safe. Everyone should feel loved and respected. And for this you need to work on yourself and on your relationships. And, if necessary, give in somewhere to your partner in order to maintain peace and harmony in the family. Moreover, most often it is the strong who give in, thereby showing their wisdom.
Who is in charge in your house?
Gender roles
Family systems are based on gender roles . These roles are formed under the influence of cultural norms of society and are a kind of “stencils” of behavior, dictating standards of behavior to participants in society.
When entering into a family relationship, a person already understands what role he will occupy. What you can do and what you absolutely cannot do.
This is how little girls are explained from a young age that in the future they will become wives and keepers of the hearth.
And boys are told about the need to develop physical strength and master a profession in order to protect and support their family.
This also includes attitudes like “a woman should not argue with men, with such a character you will receive from your husband,” or “you cannot pull girls’ pigtails, you are the future head of the family, you must protect the weaker sex.”
What are a person’s life values? Read about it here.
Qualities inherent in the head of a family
To be a true head of the family, it is important to actively participate in family life. There are often cases when all the money earned by a husband is under the leadership of his wife, and he, not caring about anything, drinks beer on the sofa. The real head of the family must support his status with deeds.
To determine your role in the family, it is not enough to set priorities and divide responsibilities. It is important to learn more about the inner world of your companion and yourself. But not all psychologists will be able to help you with this. The result can be achieved if you make a personal calculation of the rave card, based on the date and time of birth. This is the most effective method to understand who you are, what you need and how to behave in a given situation.
List of responsibilities
Responsibilities of a man:
- earn and cover all the basic needs of the family,
- ensure the safety of every family member,
- provide the wife with freedom of choice (to earn money or be a housewife), but at the same time ensuring stability in the family regardless of the choice,
- participate in raising children,
- take care of relatives (both your own and your wife’s relatives),
- pay attention to your wife, noting her merits and contribution to the family.
Responsibilities of a woman:
- housekeeping (cooking food, maintaining order, etc.),
- activity (the wife is not obliged to provide for the family and work, but must have a hobby so as not to get bogged down in everyday life),
- parenting,
- emotional support for husband
- maintaining the moral character of the family.
When does a woman have a midlife crisis? Find out about this from our article.
Purpose and functions
Men
Material support . The responsibility of a man in the family is to provide material support for the social unit. Income must cover all the basic expenses of a modern family (food, housing, clothing, utilities, etc.).
Of course, sometimes a woman earns more than her husband. But a man who cannot give birth and feed children is ideal for the role of breadwinner (and will most likely try it on when his wife goes on maternity leave, even if he is economically passive).
Social preconditions also dictate their conditions, and the stronger sex is often offered more responsible and highly paid positions.
Protection . Family protection is an important function. Men are physically stronger than women. They are also more emotionally balanced and have a mathematical mind.
