A toxic person is a real punishment for those around him. He is assertive, arrogant, he himself is in a negative mood towards life and literally permeates the whole world around him with it. His weapons are information, gossip, rumors, squabbles, and obsession. He has a clear task - to provoke conflicts and poison the lives of other people. This is why it received the name “toxic”.
Psychologist's advice: how to communicate with toxic people
Toxic people: who are they?
We often hear the expression “toxic people.” But sometimes we find it difficult to give them an exact definition. You can’t put all the people you don’t like in this category. After all, a “toxic” person has his own set of qualities. He:
- seeks to destroy your self-esteem and self-confidence;
- provokes conflict;
- collects gossip to use it to destroy career, personal life, positive attitude and fruitful work;
- makes fun of others to make them look bad;
- does not care about any rules or norms of behavior;
- discusses a person, creates rumors and fictitious stories about him.
It is very difficult to stop communicating with such people. It is doubly difficult if you are a timid and shy person.
Be Responsive
Despite the difficulty of the task, showing compassion to a harmful relative can be beneficial.
However, this does not mean that you should excuse his behavior. It's just about recognizing that he is not a bad person to begin with. We are all imperfect. He ended up in his current situation due to difficult life circumstances or lack of skills. Each of us has our own problem that we are trying to cope with, and we all make mistakes sometimes. It's part of human nature.
Why is this “poison” needed?
Toxic people take special pleasure in causing problems for others. The idea of universal equality and prosperity is not for them. Unfortunately, they masterfully turn any situation into a stressful one. And stress, as we know, does not bring anything good to a person. His performance and well-being deteriorate and, in general, the entire team can suffer from one such “poisonous source”. After all, toxic people receive satisfaction only when they manage to create problems and anger others, spoil the mood and destroy favorable relationships in the team.
How to deal with toxic people without harming yourself
Caring or self-affirmation?
Toxic people tend to help others, and do so in an intrusive and tiresome manner. This attitude creates the appearance of caring, and at this moment it seems that these people really want to help and wish us well. But in fact, in this way they can emphasize their sense of self-worth. In this regard, it is worth learning to distinguish where a person is sincere, and in what moments he is trying to assert himself at your expense. Such attempts to help must be stopped in time.
How to deal with toxic people?
Toxic people seem to have an endless supply of poison. And not a single person, even the strongest in spirit, can cope with it. And what can we say about subtle natures who almost physically feel all this negativity that a toxic person pours on them every day?
It's actually not that bad. And even the most “assertive” ones have control. You can fight toxic people by following the rules from psychologists:
Set personal boundaries
Tyrants love to violate a person's personal boundaries. How to deal with toxic people? You can't let them put pressure on you. Set limits beyond which they cannot go. Even if this means you have to forget about the rules of politeness for a while.
Don't give away your secrets
Toxic people always look for weakness in a person. To do this they need information. Do not give your weapon into the hands of the enemy. Don't talk about your weaknesses, problems, or strong experiences. Cunning cunning people know how to gain trust and set “traps.” Even if they are acting sincerely sympathetic, they are simply trying to lure out your secrets and then use them against you. First of all, to tell everyone and make fun of it.
Don't take part in gossip
Toxic people always strive to be a leader in a team. They try to attract special attention to themselves. “Washing bones” is their main hobby. By collecting and spreading gossip, they, in fact, poison the world around them. For them, gossip is a means of control, influence, and destruction. Your job is not to become an accomplice to a toxic person. Avoid situations where there is a discussion of this or that colleague, neighbor, or relative behind his back.
Restrain yourself
Sometimes it is very difficult to remain composed. How to communicate with toxic people if the “provocateurs” deliberately drag you into negative emotions? If you react to the flow of negativity with negativity, you will lose your inner balance. And this is precisely what toxic individuals achieve.
Be direct
A timid, “too” well-mannered, modest person is an energetic victim for toxic people. This is exactly what they need to realize all their poisonous ideas. After all, in their opinion, intellectuals are not their rivals, but some kind of “weaks”. They say that their upbringing will not allow them to give equal change to the offender. Directness is a great tool for dealing with toxic people. A clearly formulated position scares them away.
Make up excuses
Your task is to get rid of the toxic person as quickly as possible. How to do it? It’s very simple - come up with any reason to quickly end a toxic dialogue, not provide a favor, not listen to gossip about someone. Any excuse will do: the work needs to be done urgently, the phone is ringing, the customer is waiting. Deception will not ruin relationships, and will save you from the bad consequences of communication.
Explore your weaknesses
Since you are constantly forced to communicate with a toxic person, you need to understand what weaknesses he noticed in you. Think about why such people suddenly decided to manipulate you? They don’t “cling” to others. You need to find this “clue” in yourself and try to either get rid of it completely or hide it from others. Maybe you just don’t know how to build personal boundaries, don’t value yourself and your work? Correct the situation, and there will be fewer toxic people in your life.
Don't be afraid of gossip about yourself
Don't be afraid of gossip about yourself. After all, a toxic person will probably use them against you. You will not be able to influence this in any way. Keep your emotions under control and remember what has long been noted: “you won’t be nice to everyone.”
Don't try to "change" toxic people
Psychologists say that toxic people not only poison the lives of those around them, but also bring many problems to themselves. Most likely, there was a serious reason that made them like this. But don’t rush to “remake” them or save them from themselves. Your attempts to perform a noble deed will not be appreciated and, most likely, will turn against you.
Praise yourself for “suffering”
It happens that it is not possible to avoid a toxic person. For example, in the case of relatives or boss. Have you managed to avoid conflict, prevent negativity from overwhelming you and throwing you off track? Great, don't forget to praise yourself for this. After all, you really managed to make a “knight’s move” and show restraint and patience.
Help yourself
Self-help is vital to maintaining mental health.
And it takes on special significance in difficult situations. Make time to meditate, journal, relax in a hot bath, or do anything else that brings you joy. Daily affirmations will also help.
Treat yourself kindly, encourage yourself. Focus on the positive by listing things you are grateful for every day.
Remember: your value is not diminished if someone is unable to see it.
Rule #5: Focus on solutions, not problems
If you had to do some work together with such a colleague, try to adjust your behavior. If you start focusing on your problematic relationship with a toxic colleague, trying to understand him or find an approach to him, you will fall into a trap because it is impossible to solve these problems. Instead, focus on solving work problems and think about how to complete the project on which you are forced to collaborate with the least emotional, physical and time losses. Such thoughts will lead you to the desired result much faster.
Article on the topic
Red rag. What irritates our colleagues about us
Wakeboarder
Wakeboarders are like Taskmasters. They like to delegate their work to others. However, wakeboarders hide their accomplishments behind an outgoing personality. Colleagues like them, so they are more willing to help. They spend a lot of time on contacts, but not in order to communicate, but in an attempt to find trusting colleagues to whom he can transfer his work.
How to protect yourself: Stay away from wakeboarders. Under no circumstances should you undertake to do their work for them.
Just imagine what these workers and companies like them are costing. This reduces the productivity and morale of the remaining employees. The main thing is that you don't get caught up in their nonsense. Find ways to protect yourself from them.
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Accountant
We all know someone who is the bookkeeper in the office. He keeps score of everything. Everything he does for you is recorded on his mental scoreboard, and he expects compensation for his services. The accountant seems to remember what he did for you, but forgets what you did for him.
How to protect yourself: You will never be on an equal footing with an accountant. Don't bother keeping score unless it's worth your time. The best way to preserve your sanity may be to avoid interaction altogether.
Rule #4: Choose your battles wisely
A malicious colleague will constantly provoke you into a quarrel, showdown, or confrontation with other employees. Most often, in such cases, the best strategy will be neutrality: just nod back and smile, but do everything your way. But if you still think that you need to get into an argument or showdown, be sure to take a time out and think carefully about your strategy. This will be your trump card: toxic people rarely think about their words and actions because they are completely at the mercy of their emotional experiences.
Ostrich
They are called so for two reasons. They talk a lot about themselves and also like to bury their heads in the sand so as not to make decisions.
The ostrich is very selfish. If he makes a mistake, it hits his ego hard. At some point he will be forced to admit that he is wrong. This fear of imperfection keeps him from taking action. He rarely decides anything. If he's lucky, someone else will do it, or if he waits long enough, the matter will work itself out.
He wants to know who is responsible for the problem, he doesn't have to look for the cause, much less fix anything (not that he can fix anything, but that would require actually making a decision!). The ostrich prefers to stick its head in the sand.
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Provocateur
These people flirt in 21st century style. They send playful emails. Or you may receive some questionable message from them after you add them as a friend on Facebook or another social networking site. You should not give in to provocations. Keep all your interactions in the office strictly professional—whether they happen at the water cooler or online.
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How to protect yourself? Just don't participate in it. End of story. Nothing good will come of this.
Pessimist
These are the people who live off negative energy and are motivated by crisis. Drama rules them. Instead of achieving their goals, they delay progress until a crisis occurs. Any task that is assigned to them will not be completed until it is considered impossible.
How to protect yourself: Make a schedule. Make sure the deadline you set is earlier than the actual deadline. This ensures that the crisis of such colleagues does not become yours.
Emotional freedom
The main weapon of a toxic person is emotions. He can subconsciously use various emotional methods to control people. But such techniques only work if they resonate with the toxic person’s opponent.
As a rule, these people are very emotional; they do not know how to manage their emotions, so they throw them out on other people. If the person nearby also cannot withstand pressure from the outside, he gradually falls under the influence of the manipulator and does what the toxic person wants, just to prevent his next outburst of emotions.
The best option in this situation is the observer position. You should not ignore and avoid the emotions of the manipulator, and also let them pass through you. Look at this situation from afar, let him speak, then tell him that you understand him and thereby calm him down.
