How to learn to communicate with people: rules of effective communication and practical exercises

It sounds very simple: say what you mean. But too often, despite our best intentions, the true meaning of what is being said is lost on our interlocutor. We say one thing and the other person hears something else, resulting in misunderstandings, frustration and conflict. Fortunately, you can learn to communicate with people and express your thoughts more clearly and clearly for the other person to understand. Whether you're trying to communicate better with your spouse, children, boss, or co-workers, you can improve communication skills that will allow you to significantly improve your rapport with others, build trust and respect, and feel heard and understood.

For success in life, the ability to communicate with people is much more important than having talent. John Lubbock

What is effective communication?

Communication is more than just sharing information.
It's about understanding what emotional message and meaning lies in this information. Effective communication is also a two-way interaction. It is not only how you convey a message that is received and understood in the way you intended, but also how you listen to fully understand what is being said and make the other person feel heard and understood. . Effective communication involves more than just the words used in a conversation - it is a whole set of skills, including nonverbal communication, the ability to listen carefully, self-control, communicate with self-confidence and the ability to recognize and understand the emotions of yourself and the person you are communicating with. who are you communicating with?

Effective communication is the glue that will help you deepen your connections with others and improve teamwork and normalize shared decision-making and problem-solving. It even allows you to send negative or unpleasant messages without creating conflict or breaking trust.

Despite the fact that effective ways of communicating with people can be learned, it is nevertheless more effective to acquire them spontaneously from life experience, and not in the process of acting according to templates. A speech that is sight-read, for example, rarely has the same effect as a speech delivered spontaneously, or at least appears to do so. Of course, it takes time and effort to develop these skills and become an effective communicator. The more effort and practice you put in, the more instinctive and effortless your communication skills will become.

The easiest way for me to communicate is with ten thousand people. The hardest thing is with one. Joan Baez

What can you do to learn how to conduct a conversation with a person correctly:

• Take your time - take time for personal communication.
• Look for a drop of humor in the current situation.
• Agree that it is normal to disagree with something.
• Make sure you don't hold your breath.
• Listen before you speak, even if you don't agree with what you hear.
• Take a time out when you are already too stressed.

What kind of interesting interlocutors are they?

It turned out that an interesting interlocutor is a person who has three key traits:

• The ability to listen.
• The ability to improvise.
• Love for life.

Let's take it in order. By “listening ability,” experts mean a keen interest in another . People love to talk about themselves. But if everyone is focused only on their own person, it is unlikely that an interesting, rich conversation will begin between people.

The golden rule: one speaks, the other listens.

The ability to improvise is the ability to maintain a conversation on any topic . Flights to Mars, Fitzgerald's early work, North Korean foreign policy - you cannot know in advance what interests your opponent. But you don't need to. If his sphere of interests does not come into contact with yours, but you are interested in this person, it is enough to say, “I don’t know anything about this, but I’m very interested. Tell me more!”

And this is where the ability to love life and take an active interest in it will come in handy. Simply put, stay curious. Read, watch movies, scroll through the news. Develop in those areas that make you burn. This will make you attractive to others, and at the same time tell you how to communicate with them.

Barriers to effective interpersonal communication

Stress and uncontrollable emotion

When you are nervous or unable to cope with your emotions, you are likely to misperceive other people, send confusing or intimidating nonverbal signals, and begin to act like an unstable, mentally ill person. Take a moment to calm down before continuing the conversation.

Lack of attention

You cannot communicate effectively when you are multitasking.
If you're daydreaming, checking text messages, or thinking about something else while planning your next response, you'll almost certainly miss nonverbal cues in your conversation. You should always take your life experience into account. [media=
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Illogical gestures and facial expressions

Nonverbal communication should support verbal communication without contradicting it. If you say one thing, but your body language says something else, your listener will likely feel that you are being deceitful. For example, you may not be able to say “yes” while shaking your head in denial.

Negative facial expressions

If you don't agree with or like what is being said, you may use negative facial expressions and gestures to express disagreement with the other person's message, such as crossing your arms, avoiding eye contact, or tapping your feet. You don't have to agree or even approve of what is said, but communicate effectively without putting the other person on the defensive; It is very important to avoid sending negative signals.

All our days pass in communication, but the art of communication is the destiny of a few... Mikhail Vasilyevich Lomonosov

Habit 1: Become an Engaged Listener

People often focus on what they have to say, but effective communication is about talking less and listening more.
Listening well means understanding not only the words or information heard, but also the emotions that the speaker is trying to express. There is a big difference between listening carefully and simply hearing information. When you really listen, when you really engage with what is being said, you recognize subtle intonations in the speaker's voice that tell you about how that person is feeling and what emotions they are trying to convey when communicating. When you are an engaged listener, you will not only understand the other person better, you will make them feel heard and understood, and this can be the foundation for building a stronger, more secure relationship between you.

By communicating in this way, you will also learn to calm down and maintain physical well-being and emotional balance. If the person you're talking to is calm, as reflected by, for example, listening carefully to what you're saying, you can also become more calm. Likewise, if a person is worried, you can help them calm down by listening carefully and making them feel understood.

If your goal is to fully understand and communicate with another person, you will naturally listen carefully. If this is not the case, try the following tips. The more you practice them, the more satisfying and effective your interactions with other people will become.

Distortions of perception and understanding in the process of communication

When meeting a person, dozens of different mechanisms come into motion in our psyche, and all this happens in seconds, i.e. sometimes subconsciously. The process of perceiving an interlocutor is very complex, and in this article we will try to find out the main points of how a person decides whether he likes a communication partner. In social psychology, the perception of a person by a person is the process of constructing an image of another, which unfolds during direct communication with him. It has special temporal characteristics and includes all levels of mental reflection. At the same time, distortions may occur in it, and we will talk about them in this article. Read more…

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How do you become an engaged listener?

Focus all your attention on the speaker, his or her body language, tone of voice, and other nonverbal cues coming from that person.
Tone of voice conveys emotion, so if you're thinking about something, checking text messages, or doodling on a piece of paper, you'll almost certainly miss nonverbal cues and the emotional content of the words spoken. And if the person speaking is acting in the same distracted manner, you will quickly be able to notice it. If you find it difficult to focus on some speakers, try repeating their words in your head - this will reinforce their message for you and help you stay focused. Listen with your right ear. The left side of the brain contains the primary processing centers for recognizing speech and emotions. Since the left hemisphere of the brain controls the right side of the body, focusing on the right ear can help you better diagnose the emotional content of what the speaker is saying. Try to keep your posture straight, lower your chin slightly, and turn your right ear towards the speaker - this will help you pick up the high frequencies of human speech, which carry the emotional component of what is being said.

Don't interrupt the speaker or try to shift the conversation to your problems by saying something like, "If you think this is bad, listen to what happened to me." Listening does not mean waiting for your turn to speak again. If you're forming in your head what you're going to say next, you can't concentrate on what the other person is saying. Often the speaker can read your facial expressions and understand that you are thinking about something else.

Show interest in what was said. Periodically nod approvingly, smile at your interlocutor and make sure that your body position is open and conducive to communication. Approvingly encourage the speaker to continue the conversation with small verbal comments like “yes” or “uh-huh.”

Any conversation becomes interesting if the listener is enthusiastic...

Try not to judge. To communicate effectively with someone, you don't have to like them or agree with their ideas, values, or opinions. However, to fully understand a person, you must avoid judging him and refrain from reproaches and criticism. If you conduct even the most complex discussion correctly, you can establish contact with someone with whom mutual understanding seemed very difficult and unlikely to be found.

Give us feedback. If the thread of conversation is interrupted, reproduce what was said in other words. “That's what I hear,” or “It sounds like what you're saying,” are great ways to get the conversation back on track. Do not repeat verbatim what the speaker said, it will sound forced and unintelligent. Instead, express what you understand to be the meaning of the words you heard. Ask questions to clarify things: “What do you mean when you say...” or “Is this what you mean?”

Criticism is not the end of the world

Many people in the first stages of mastering the skill of effective communication are afraid of criticism from others. This doesn't make any sense. Competent, objective criticism can help you see mistakes and weaknesses that you yourself would never have noticed. Hateful criticism, said only to hurt you, is not worth your attention. Do not react to such statements under any circumstances, and do not rush to prove something to such an interlocutor. Your peace of mind will look much more dignified. When choosing how to respond to the words or actions of others, pay attention to those that suggest calm and a positive message.

Recognize the emotional content of words by training the muscles of the middle ear

By increasing the muscle tone of the tiny muscles in the middle ear (they are the smallest in the human body), you will be able to recognize higher frequencies of human speech that convey emotion and better understand the true meaning of what people are saying. Developing these tiny muscles isn't just about focusing entirely on what someone is saying; They can be trained by singing, playing wind instruments, and listening to certain types of music (high-frequency Mozart violin concertos and symphonies, for example, instead of low-frequency rock or rap).

Reasons for the inability to communicate with people

The most common causes of communication problems include:

• embarrassment, timidity;
• low self-esteem;
• fear of saying the wrong thing, of being stupid;
• inability to express one's opinion;
• problems with pronunciation and diction.

But the incentive for all this could be:

• complexes, especially those “born” in childhood;
• emotional turmoil
• loneliness, social exclusion and degradation;
• strict boundaries and restrictions in communication, most often set by parents in relation to peers.

All this must be carefully and time-consumingly eliminated and worked through with the help of a competent specialist. After all, these problems get worse every year, make a person withdrawn, unsociable, provoke in him the desire to hide, run away, and become invisible to others.

This will also be relevant for people who know how to carry on a conversation, but do not consider themselves a good or worthy interlocutor for others. For this purpose, a great variety of courses and trainings have been developed that can inspire and become an excellent basis for practice in reality.

Skill 2: Pay attention to nonverbal cues

When we talk about what concerns us, we mostly use nonverbal cues.
Nonverbal communication, or body language, includes facial expressions, body movements and gestures, eye contact, body posture, tone of voice, and even muscle tension and breathing. Your look, the way you listen, move and react to another person tell other people more about your condition than the words you say. Developing the ability to understand and use nonverbal communication can help you communicate with others, express yourself clearly, handle difficult situations, and build better relationships at work and at home.

You can make communication even more effective with open body language: do not cross your arms, stand with an open body position or sit on the edge of your seat, and maintain eye contact with your interlocutor. You can also use body language to emphasize or reinforce your verbal message—patting a friend on the back to congratulate him on success, for example, or fist bumping to emphasize your message.

Establishing a confidence distance

It is necessary to establish a trust distance

To do this, you need to correctly build role relationships. Each of us plays many roles in relation to the other. You can be a neighbor, a friend, a bowler, or a creditor. And to establish a trusting distance, you need to choose those roles where the distance between you and the person is closest for conversation.

From there you can continue to act more easily. In addition, there are many roles in the conversation itself - speaker and listener, doubter and prover, and the like. And you need to move through the conversation so that the distance becomes closer and closer and becomes as close as it is comfortable for both parties.

Repeat the other person's name often, but do not overdo it

Be able to hold back

If we keep our distance well and don’t say something, this motivates the interlocutor to ask questions and close the distance.

The easiest way to bring distance closer is to talk about childhood

Tell your own stories, ask others’ questions. Why does childhood bring us closer together? Because people are a little afraid of each other, even close people - this is normal, there is always a fear of making some mistake, of being offended somewhere, of being misunderstood.

Therefore, if a person is questioned about current events, he is not sure that he did the right thing and he is responsible for his words and deeds. But he is not responsible for his childhood, and therefore fearlessly talks about his childhood. And this lack of fear of communication, after talking about childhood, may continue.

Tips to help you better interpret nonverbal communication

Keep in mind that everyone has their own individual characteristics.
People from different countries and cultures tend to use different non-verbal communication gestures, so when analyzing body language it is very important to take into account the person's age, cultural background, religion, gender and emotional state. An American teenager, a grieving widow, and an Asian businessman, for example, may use nonverbal cues differently. Analyze nonverbal signals comprehensively. Don't look for too much meaning in one gesture or nonverbal signal. Consider all nonverbal cues you receive, from eye contact to tone of communication and body movement. Anyone can sometimes make a mistake and look away, for example, and let the eye contact slide, for example, or briefly cross their arms, without implying anything negative. To better understand a person's true thoughts, analyze his nonverbal signals comprehensively.

Tips for Improving Your Nonverbal Cues

Use those nonverbal cues that reflect the essence of your words.
Nonverbal communication should support verbal communication without contradicting it. If you say one thing, but your body language says something else, your listener will likely feel that you are being deceitful. For example, you may not be able to say “yes” while shaking your head in denial. Tailor your nonverbal cues based on the context of the conversation and the setting. The tone of your voice, for example, should be different when speaking to a child than when speaking to a group of adults. Also, take into account the emotional state and cultural background of the person you are communicating with.

Use body language to express positive emotions, even if you don't actually feel them. If you're nervous about a situation—a job interview, an important presentation, or a first date, for example—you can show confidence, even if you don't actually feel that way, through positive body language. Instead of hesitantly walking into a room with your head down, looking away and squeezing into your chair, try straightening your shoulders and standing with your head held high, smiling and maintaining eye contact, and giving the person you're talking with a firm handshake. This will make you more confident and help put the other person at ease.

Stories about yourself

When we talk about ourselves, it is important to maintain a balance between stories about successes and failures. When a person talks only about successes, he looks like a braggart. When he only talks about failures, he looks like a loser.

It doesn’t have to be 50/50, but there should be some kind of balance. It is especially valuable when he talks about some embarrassments that are typical for many people. This shows what conclusions you have drawn, and these conclusions can be useful to many people.

The same thing, as a manager, I advise using mistakes made as material for training subordinates. It is also necessary to provide side useful information in a conversation that a person can remember and it will be useful in life.

This is especially important in sales. So, the seller may not sell the product, but he can tell some things that a person will remember, retell to others, and this story will be useful for others.

Habit 3: Stay in control

To communicate effectively, you need to be aware of your emotions and control them.
And this means learning to cope with stress. When you are nervous or unable to cope with your emotions, you are likely to misperceive other people, send confusing or intimidating nonverbal signals, and begin to act like an unstable, mentally ill person. How many times have you experienced a disagreement with your spouse, children, boss, friends or co-workers and then said or done something you later regretted? If you can quickly de-stress and calm down, not only will you not have to regret it later, but in many cases you will help the other person cool down as well. Only when you are in a calm, relaxed state will you be able to understand whether you need to respond in this situation or whether it is better to remain silent, as indicated by the behavior of the other person.

In situations such as a job interview, a business presentation, a stressful meeting, or introducing a loved one to family, for example, it is important to manage your emotions, think on your feet, and communicate effectively under pressure. These tips may help:

Content

• What determines the quality of communication?
• What is the most important thing in communication?
• Listening technology
• Hearing technology
• Micro-hearing technology
• Establishing a confidence distance
• Stories about yourself
• Questioning and interrogation technology
• Humor and irony
• Technology and types of non-negotiation
• Ending a conversation
• Answers to listener questions

We see that the communication process is curtailed very much. People talk to each other less and less. If you used to be amazed by situations when a young couple was sitting in a cafe and both were staring at their phones (it was like a symbol of a new era), now this is so common that it no longer surprises anyone.

That is, people gradually forget how to communicate. But if you can’t stop this trend for everyone, then for people who have their heads on their shoulders, for them it can be slowed down. That is why we chose this webinar topic.

If a person thinks incorrectly, then he cannot speak correctly. Today, lengthy discussions do not fit into the pace of time and the thinking of the future. Therefore, in order to speak well, you need to think well.

Stay balanced in a stressful situation

Use stalling tactics to take an extra minute to think.
Before answering, repeat or ask for clarification of the statement that causes you misunderstanding. Pause to collect your thoughts. Remaining silent is not a bad thing; pausing faster than rushing to respond can force you to pull yourself together. Make one judgment and give an example or provide information that supports your statement. If your response is too long or you ramble on about everything at once, you risk losing the listener's interest. Focus on one statement with an example, look at the listener's reaction and evaluate whether there is something else worth talking about further.

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Speak clearly and clearly. In many cases, how you speak can be just as important as what you say. Speak clearly, maintain the same timbre of voice, and make eye contact. Let your body language communicate relaxation and openness.

At the end of your statement, make a short summary and stop. Briefly state the main point of your speech and stop talking, even if there is silence in the room. Don't keep talking to fill the silence.

When a discussion gets heated in the middle of a conversation, you need to do something quickly and immediately to reduce the emotional intensity. Once you learn how to quickly reduce tension in the moment, even if you can handle any strong emotions you experience, control your feelings and behave rationally. If you know how to keep your mind balanced and engaged, even when something upsetting is happening, you can stay emotionally alert and alert.

Questioning and interrogation technology

What is the difference between questioning and interrogation?

First difference. Questioning is when a person asks the following questions based on what has been said. During interrogations, questions are asked that are in no way related to previous answers.

Second difference. The interrogator wants to be told everything, but he himself is not ready to tell anything. He says in his tone, “I won’t tell you why I’m asking this.”

Therefore, interrogations should be avoided unless there is a reason for them. And even out of curiosity, still not interrogate, but question. That is, there must be a justified motivation in the questions and the questions must be related to the answers to other questions.

Sometimes you need to use unfinished questions that give you the right to ignore them

For example, when we are not sure how tactfully it will be to ask this or that, we ask the question in an understated way, we outline the question, giving the person the right to ignore and move on.

Questions must be asked with information included

That is, in addition to the question, there is a story, some other important information that clarifies it.

We need to move smoothly to more risky and confidential issues

If the person answering the questions is not uncomfortable, we can get much closer. But it is important to remember one nuance.

If we asked some risky questions and a person answered them, then he sometimes needs to explain to us why he answered those questions that did not need to be answered (or he did not have the right to answer).

Therefore, it is very important to give him the opportunity to justify himself in our eyes and in his own, after such answers.

Sometimes we need to ask questions that demonstrate our incompetence

Such questions raise the status of the speaker. In addition, this is useful for us, and the speaker is pleased that he has made us more competent.

Sometimes you need to ask questions to help the speaker tell everything in detail.

Often a person is going to tell us something in general, he has no plan to tell us in detail, but if we show with our questions that we have the time and interest to hear the details, then he will be happy to tell them.

There are two types of retelling

The first is like a police report. Only facts, without any lyrics, without any “in my opinion”, “it seemed to me” and so on. The second is as a work of art. These are two different types of retelling. Ideally, you should own both.

When we talk about ourselves, it is important to remember Oscar Wilde's quote - “The secret to being boring is to tell everything about yourself.”

When you are telling something for a long time, you should not ask your interlocutor, “Are you interested in what I am telling you?”

Who's to say it's not interesting? This question makes sense at the beginning of a conversation, but not in the middle. To really find out if a person is interested, evaluate his behavior. If he starts looking at you less, it means he is losing interest in the story.

Everything you tell can be retold to a third party, and you don’t know who exactly

Or it can be used against you by the same listener when you quarrel with him. This is a very important circumstance. There is no need to succumb to the charm of the moment, so as not to regret it later.

Quick Ways to Relieve Stress to Continue Effective Communication

To cope with stress during communication, do the following:

1. Notice when you get nervous. If you're nervous while communicating, your body will let you know. Are your muscles or stomach tight and/or sore? Are your hands clenched? Is your breathing shallow? Do you “forget” to breathe? Take a moment to calm down before continuing the conversation or putting it aside.
2. Ask your mind for “help” and quickly pull yourself together by taking a few deep breaths, squeezing and relaxing your muscles, or, for example, remembering a calming, positive image that evokes positive emotions. The best way to quickly and reliably reduce stress is to listen to your senses: vision, hearing, touch, taste and smell. But each person reacts differently to sensory sensations, so you need to find what works for you in a calming way.
3. Look for a drop of humor in the current situation. If you approach it correctly, humor can be a great way to relieve tension during communication. When you or others start to take things too seriously, find a way to cheer everyone up by telling a joke or a funny story.
4. Be willing to compromise. Sometimes, if both you and your interlocutor are able to give in a little, you can find a middle ground that will suit and reassure all parties concerned. If you realize that the subject of the conversation is much more important to the other person than it is to you, it may be easier for you to compromise, while laying a solid foundation for the future relationship.
5. If necessary, stand by your opinions. Before returning to the situation, take a break so everyone can calm down. Take a short break and step away from the current situation. Take a walk outside if possible, or meditate for a few minutes. Physical movement or rest in a quiet place to restore inner balance can quickly relieve stress and calm you down.

Habit 4: Be Confident

Openness and self-confidence help build clear rapport, as well as improve self-esteem and make decision-making easier for you.
Being confident means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs openly and honestly while being able to stand up for yourself and respect others. This does NOT mean being hostile, aggressive, or picky. Effective communication is about understanding the other person, not about winning an argument or pushing your opinion on others. To increase self-confidence:

• Value yourself and your abilities. They are just as important as someone else's.
• Know your needs and desires. Learn to express them without violating the rights of others.
• Express negative thoughts in a positive way. It's okay to be angry, but you also need to show respect for others.
• Take comments towards you positively. Accept compliments graciously, learn from your mistakes, ask for help when you need it.
• Learn to say no. Know the limits of your patience and don't let others take advantage of you. Look for a way out of the situation so that everyone is happy as a result.

It is much better not to believe in a person, but to be confident in him. Stanislav Jerzy Lec

Developing positive communication skills

An empathic statement expresses empathy for another person.
First understand the other person's situation or feelings, and then confidently express your needs or opinions. “I know you’ve been very busy at work, but I want you to make time for us too.” Growing self-confidence can be used when your first attempts are unsuccessful. Over time, you become more decisive and assertive: your statement may communicate specific consequences if your needs are not taken into account. For example, “If you do not comply with the agreement, I will be forced to go to court.”

Start practicing assertiveness in less risky situations, which will help build your self-confidence. Or ask friends or family if they will let you practice assertiveness techniques on them first.

Elizarova Lilia Apr 09, 2018

Micro-hearing technology

Micro-hearing technology means that you need to notice hesitations, pauses, voice changes, sighs, slips of the tongue, changes in facial expressions, posture, and sometimes emphasize such little things.

Sometimes you need to ask about identified accents

For example, “why are you so animated when you tell this?” This has twofold benefits. Firstly, the person understands that he was listened to carefully. Secondly, this may push him to some new story - very interesting, and sometimes simply important, from what he did not dare to tell you.

Observe changes in nonverbal behavior

Changes not only in facial expressions, but also in posture. You need to interpret this for yourself, and sometimes out loud. That is, you need to report your feelings on the behavior of your interlocutor.

Making assumptions about the unsaid

“Perhaps this is because?” It will be easier for you to remember if you expressed a version, but it turned out to be wrong.

You need to consider what is said that is confidential.

For yourself, you know what is best to remain a secret. But what is confidential for the interlocutor? Sometimes it's better to ask the speaker about it.

It is important to make sure that your retelling is better than the story of your interlocutor and that he liked it

When, after the retelling, he said: “Well, yes, actually,” you need to stop him after these words. The ability to retell is especially important for those involved in management consulting.

A person cannot be a consultant if he cannot retell a story about some events or problems better than he was told. He may not tell you in so much detail, but his story should make the main point clearer.