“Everyone suffers in bullying”
– Bullying is violence. It can appear for many reasons, but it is always a disease of the collective, of a certain social group. Why illness? Because in this situation everyone suffers.
► What is it like?
We can distinguish physical and psychological violence , which sometimes smoothly flow into each other. The division into bullying (bullying by one person against another) and mobbing (bullying by a group of people), in my opinion, is quite arbitrary, because bullying is always painful, there is always a victim , an aggressor and witnesses . The latter can not only observe what is happening, but also become involved in violence for various reasons: out of fear of becoming a victim themselves, expressing their opinion and protecting a person, etc.
►Who usually becomes the victim?
The most interesting thing is that anyone can be a victim. Recently, I came across the following analogy from Russian colleagues: if you don’t wash your hands, there is a chance of getting some kind of disease, and the same with bullying - if a team uses “dirty” methods of communication, there is a chance of violence.
Most often, the victim becomes a person who is incapable of confrontation : he is deprived of the ability to express healthy anger in response to traumatic actions, or he himself represses them - consciously or not. In any case, the aggressor chooses a person at the expense of whom he can assert himself.
Also often the victim is a person who is different from the majority : a child with red hair and freckles, a very plump or very thin physique, someone who performs certain actions better or worse than others, etc.
►Who starts the bullying?
A combination of factors is at work here too. Among children, this may be a child in whose family the level of tension is too high, where he himself is a victim. This may be a younger child who is greatly influenced by older children: due to the fact that he cannot resist the negativity at home, all the tension spills over into the group of his peers.
Likewise, an adult may show aggression towards others simply because things are not going well at home, or because he has observed a pattern of communication since childhood in which violence was the norm.
There can be many reasons. It’s easier for us to divide the world into black and white, to say that the aggressor is bad and the victim is good. But this division is conditional, because everyone suffers in this. Behind aggression most often there is also some kind of pain or fear of being rejected, but this is not so easy to consider.
► Why would one person bully another?
Perhaps in order to feel one’s own superiority or to compensate for internal inferiority, the need to constantly confirm one’s strength and significance.
► But it hurts everyone, why do those who offend others appear?
The aggressor is always distinguished by a repressed feeling of his own vulnerability. These people are not ready to face it, and the manifestation of force for them becomes the only way to avoid this.
You've probably heard about the Stanford Prison Experiment, conducted in 1971. A group of healthy and psychologically stable people were divided into “prisoners” and “guards” and watched how they would interact with each other. As a result, the experiment was ended prematurely, when it ceased to be just a “game.”
This is a very good illustration of the fact that every person has a hidden potential for aggression and anger, which can manifest itself under certain conditions: some are simply more susceptible to this, and some less.
► But there are those who just like to mock others?
There can be many reasons for this behavior. Most often, it comes from growing up in a dysfunctional family where violence was the norm. There are also simply psychopaths who, alas, cannot be corrected.
► Can there be bullying within the family?
There is such a phenomenon - the role of the “scapegoat” in the family. This is not really about bullying, but rather about being labeled “not like us.” In this role there may be a child, on whom everyone is releasing tension, because he does not meet ideas and expectations, and an adult who does not share family values, who does everything differently from others: for example, the criterion of social success is important for the family, and this person cannot or does not want to be an excellent student or a boss.
Why is everyone offending me? How to respond correctly to stop attacks
When my nephew was 3 years old, he really liked to publicly be offended by his mother. He lay down on his stomach, put his palm under his forehead and lay in the middle of the corridor in the “go away old lady, I’m sad” pose. This could go on for quite a long time, and no amount of persuasion could get him out of there. Either a bribe in the form of sweets, or a cartoon :).
Resentment is a typical child’s reaction to any unpleasant events, restrictions or well-founded refusal. At 2 or 5 years old, this behavior is understandable. The kid is simply afraid to attack those on whom he depends, who are bigger and stronger.
Sometimes touchiness is also provoked by the behavior of the parents themselves. Words play an important role. Remember how many times you were told that crying and being offended is ugly, that arguing with adults is indecent, and in general, “...live to my age, and then argue.”
But why do we continue to be offended as adults? Do we withdraw into ourselves and cannot fight back the offender? Yes, in adult, conscious life, grievances have a different scale. This is no longer a banal refusal to buy lollipop or ice cream. It turns out that the size of the encroachments on your rights has grown, but the reaction has remained childish - lock yourself in a room and quietly mourn your fate... As you were taught - “swallow” the offense and not contradict adults!
Meanwhile, we have long ceased to be children, and offenders do not care about our quiet tears. The one who offends you, in most cases, knows that he is doing something ugly. However, this does not stop him. Because people do what is most convenient and profitable for them. This is not one of your parents who, tired of seeing your picture of suffering, will make concessions.
So what should we do? How to put the offender in his place like an adult?
Good girl or grown-up aunt
Anger, fear and malice are normal emotions in response to aggression towards you. The natural biological reaction is to either run away, freeze, or “show Kuzkin’s mother.” But for an adult, ignoring means remaining indifferent, and not “saving face” in public. Unfortunately, many people turn on the childish scenario - negative emotions are pinched inside and do not turn into response actions.
But you're not a little "good" girl anymore, are you? You are an accomplished adult. Maybe the strength in the fists is not enough, but the tongue is definitely there!
What do adult aunts do if they feel offended? They either distance themselves from the offender, reducing communication to a minimum, or “beat pots.” For an adult, independent woman who is responsible for everything that happens in her life, this is the norm. She does not look for cowardly excuses: “What if he gets offended and leaves,” in the case of a relationship with a partner. And he’s not afraid: “What if he fires me then,” every time the boss hits me.
Because she realizes: no one has the moral right to attack her or humiliate her dignity. She behaves in such a way that her friends do not dare to offend her!
Is patience a virtue or a paradise for boors?
It is not for nothing that nature has endowed us with the instinct of self-preservation. It is he who generates aggression and fear in response to an attack. It is normal to experience these emotions, although they are often disparagingly called negative. We need to be aware of them and translate them into adequate action.
It doesn't matter whether your anger turns into words or actions. It is important that you decide how to react. Realized that you were attacked. The degree of harm was assessed. We came up with a solution and implemented it. Even if you decide not to do anything and simply ignore the offender. Anyway, it’s your conscious choice! This means there will be no regrets, there will be no feeling of humiliation, there will be no feeling of powerlessness and lack of rights. And someone’s offensive words won’t be spinning in your head like a broken record.
So, you have only three options:
- completely ignore the offender;
- get away if conflict is too much for you;
- strike back.
But only after the situation has been analyzed. Of course, in a fit of emotion, you think only about one thing: “I feel bad. I was attacked. We need to defend ourselves." And I want to react immediately.
In most cases, the most ergonomic way is to say what you think and put the situation out of your mind. But sometimes it is more useful not to flog the heat and later deal with the offender as he really deserves. Moreover, it will be more profitable for you, and not for him.
Let the threats sound threatening
You probably politely asked the offender a thousand times not to do this again. They gave arguments and “put pressure” on feelings. Unfortunately, this rarely helps. You can, of course, go into Zen and repeat the mantra “Don’t do this” 158 times :). Stock up on Christian forgiveness and show Buddhist wisdom. But there’s a real world out there—and no one respects “tolerated.”
Or “having reached the point”, you are ready to blurt out: “Don’t do this again, otherwise we will break up!” However, words must be followed by real actions. If you are not ready to carry out the threat yourself, your words will not have any effect on the offender either. Threatening to leave a person and actually leaving are two different things. And this needs to be understood very clearly.
If a man turned a deaf ear to requests and threats, say: “Goodbye, dear!” — and proudly walk off into the sunset. Because as long as you endure, it won’t get better. Let him bring you back - on your terms.
What do you have to lose? Otherwise, you are doomed to endure rudeness, humiliation and rudeness for life.
Lack of intention does not exempt you from responsibility!
Very often, offenders justify their behavior by saying that they did not want to offend you. You had no idea that their behavior could hurt you. Remember, people lie. Sometimes deliberately - out of fear or benefit. Often they lie even to themselves. In any case, you should not follow the lead of a chronic boor!
It makes no difference whether the offense was intentional or an accident: there are your rights and personal boundaries, there are social norms, in the end. If they are violated, you have been attacked! You have suffered damage and must be compensated.
In principle, we can formulate it like this:
- I feel angry/resentful after your words. My self-esteem suffered. Next time in such a situation, I will leave and completely stop communicating with you.
Of course, most professional rude people will not believe it - they will either laugh in your face or pretend to be deaf in both ears. Nevertheless, you expressed your position and warned about the consequences. If a person continues to ignore your feelings, there is no need to communicate with him in the future.
Unfortunately, it is impossible to ward off all the unknown boors in the world. However, you can develop a working pattern of behavior that discourages the desire to violate your boundaries.
Remember: people treat us the way we ALLOW them to. So just don’t let yourself be offended! Get away from the boors. Communicate and collaborate only with well-mannered, ethical people.
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"You can't leave, you can't stay"
► What should I do if I am a victim of bullying?
First of all, you need to call a spade a spade, discover this discomfort in yourself, the state of dissatisfaction with what is happening and connect it with what is happening. You need to accept that this is bullying, that your team is sick.
Then you need to understand that you yourself are responsible for your inaction, for tolerating such an attitude towards yourself. You need to understand why this is happening, what exactly keeps you in this team, why you don’t do anything about it.
Only when the problem is recognized does it become possible to choose further actions. But first ask yourself: “Am I ready to defend myself?” There are people who are not ready to resist aggression because it will take up too many resources. In this case, there is only one way out - to leave the team.
Often, when a person finds the strength to fight, the victim in this traumatic system changes: the aggressor is not interested in tyrannizing a person who can fight back and do something. This is why bullying is a disease: when one person is no longer a victim, another takes his place.
► What should I do if my colleagues bully me?
You must find a person under whose command the team is located who can influence the group. Tell your boss that the team is in a psychologically unhealthy environment and that you cannot realize yourself in such conditions.
► What if he says that I need to cope on my own?
Then say: “You know, I can leave, I will find a job, but what is happening in your team will not stop, the situation will remain the same, someone else will endure attacks from colleagues.” And if the leader is ready to do something about it, the situation will change.
► What if the aggressor is my boss?
Then contact his boss. If this is not possible, there is only one way out - change jobs.
► What should I do if I am bullied by my classmates at the university? Who will influence them?
Each group has a curator, the only question is whether he wants to get involved with this: after all, the majority of students are adults who are difficult to influence.
But there are other ways to fix the situation. You can contact the university's psychological services and work on what makes you a victim.
Another option is to find a place or area in which you can take your mind off what is happening, which will help you feel important, not to go deeper into the state of victimhood, which will help you preserve your self.
And, of course, you can take a leave of absence and then start studying in another group or enroll in another university.
► What should I do if I am bullied in the army?
This is the most difficult question. And, it seems to me, the difficulty is that if in another situation we can change jobs, training staff, then this will not work with the army, no one will let you go.
The important thing here is to understand who can solve the problem. There really is a strong fear of getting into big trouble if you tell the commander about the bullying. Moreover, you cannot be sure that he will not support what is happening and will not think that you are just complaining. Then it makes sense to seek support from relatives, to talk about what is happening within the team, so that the initiative to change what is happening comes not from the victim, but from relatives.
This is a very sore subject, because very often, unfortunately, what is called bullying in the army is perceived as “character building.” Silent encouragement of hazing is very destructive.
► What should I do if I am being bullied online?
Social networks create the illusion of a space for the unpunished flow of emotional reactions. There is a feeling that nothing will happen to you for your aggression - because of this, bullying on the Internet is developing more often and faster.
You need to understand that on your page on social networks it is you who dictate the rules, just simply limit access to information about yourself, replace with you can block those whose manner of expressing their opinion is boorish and unnecessarily harsh. You can leave the discussion if this is a forum.
When publishing information about yourself, becoming a popular person, you must be prepared for the fact that you may be covered with negativity from those who do not like it. This is the downside of publicity.
► What if I am oppressed in the family - for example, by my wife’s or husband’s relatives?
Discuss the situation with your loved one, say that you see and feel an unacceptable attitude towards yourself. And there are two options: either he says to his relatives that this cannot be done with you, or you end your relationship with them.
► How can I understand that my partner is discriminating against me?
You need to rely on your own discomfort. If you clearly understand that you feel bad in a relationship, it makes sense to deal with what is happening.
There is a form of psychological violence - gaslighting : this is when a person is told that he is “defective”, that he is mistaken and wrong all the time. Over time, the victim begins to doubt his adequacy, his mental health, and the correctness of his vision of the world. This is especially dangerous in couples because we usually trust our partner.
The opportunity to receive psychological help and support from friends and relatives is very important here. But in order to finally understand the situation, it is better to get the help of a specialist, because only he will give a neutral opinion and call a spade a spade.
If you feel like you have lost yourself, go to a specialist. I have repeatedly met with women who do not have the habit of trusting themselves, they are lost in relationships, they have lost themselves, they do not have the opportunity to rely on their feelings, to identify broken boundaries.
► How should I behave with an aggressor? Ignore or respond?
If you find the strength to resist, first you can try to talk with the aggressor: for example, ask if he would like to be in your place, let him know that you will take other measures to curb bullying.
If after this there is another round of aggression in your direction, it makes sense to look for a person in the group who is interested in improving the psychological situation (more often this is a manager responsible for the results of the work of the entire team). If you don’t feel strong enough to resist, think about whether what you get in this place is worth your patience, nerves and health.
Ignoring doesn't always work. In our society there is a prejudice that if you do not answer, it means you are weak - this can be a reason to weaken you more.
And responding to aggression with aggression, alas, can be ineffective . I once conducted trainings and know a good exercise that illustrates the beginning of a conflict: when two people begin to take turns pushing each other on the shoulder.
On the third or fourth push, we understand within ourselves that we are beginning to put more and more force into this action. This is how the conflict develops, the strength of the confrontation grows each time, we show the opponent that it is time to stop everything, but everyone wants to emerge victorious - this is a vicious circle.
Of course, there is healthy aggression that can help you avoid falling into a victim state. This often happens when the aggressor sees that your actions are receiving a positive response from witnesses, then he feels the likelihood of losing.
One way to stand up for yourself is to joke about the actions of the aggressor . If your laughter is supported, he will be afraid, because this way you can switch roles.
In general, it is difficult to give general recommendations for the simple reason that a person cannot effectively practice techniques without seeing the big picture. The most important thing in confrontation is to find the strength to defend yourself and not repress healthy anger .
► Running away is the only method that really works?
The victim is by nature demoralized; she often does not see an opportunity to defend herself. Often she needs some figure who can say: “Hey, let's do something about this.” And it very often happens that the only available way to end the bullying is to leave the team.
Why do teachers humiliate students?
There are several versions.
First (cultural):
We have a tradition: respect our elders. Belarusian culture has many traditions and rituals associated with paying honor to the older generation and ancestors. The elders in the family were always the bearers of knowledge, so they were trusted and obeyed. This is where the custom comes from: elders must be respected. And the elders demand respect from the younger ones! Indeed, there is a deep meaning in respect for elders, but the problem is that this idea has become taken literally and simply formally. Because of this, situations of misunderstanding often arise. For example, you are traveling in public transport, and for obvious reasons you did not give up your seat to an elderly person, that’s all: those around you make a verdict: you do not respect the old person, you are bad. Or you answered something to an elderly person that he didn’t like, that’s all: you don’t respect your elders. It’s the same at school: you don’t follow the teacher’s orders, that’s all: you don’t respect the person who is older than you and who is “crucifying himself in front of you.” It is probably worth distinguishing between the concepts of “politeness” and “respect”. It is normal to be polite with elders, as with people of any other age, if you value yourself and your world.
Respecting people just because they are older than you is a question. We respect those people who….. are hardworking, friendly, etc. Everyone will be able to supplement this sentence with their own adjectives, which outline the range of their values - qualities that they consider important. What if the other person does not have the qualities that are important to you? Or does he not demonstrate them towards you? Why then respect him? It’s not for nothing that they say that respect must be earned. But this phrase is usually said to children, a priori believing that an adult, and especially a teacher, is already a respected person. But it turns out that you don’t need to earn the respect of children?
Second (psychological):
The process of humiliation is very beneficial to the one who commits it. Let's take a trivial situation in which the teacher says that with such grades you “will go to work in a factory.” This episode contains double humiliation: firstly, the person to whom it is addressed. Secondly, to the people who work at the plant. It turns out that the teacher contrasts himself, the magnificent one, with the student and those people who are doing something else (in this case: working in a factory). Why does the teacher do this? Dominance is the answer. By lowering the student down, the teacher rises emotionally to the top.
If you observe people who often use humiliation as a technique, you will notice that these people disguise themselves in this way. They cover up their fears. Their biggest fear is that someone will notice and make fun of their shortcomings and lack of skills. That's why they attack first. If you follow the moments in which this person humiliates another, it is very easy to see the weak points of the attacker.
“The victim will never stop the bullying”
► Can I use my actions to stop bullying?
I don't want our conversation to give the impression that the victim can stop the bullying. She may stop being a victim, but another person will still take her place.
► How can I help the person who took my place?
You can come up and say that you see how the situation is, that the same thing happened to you, you can tell how you avoided the role of a victim. You can initiate a discussion of bullying as a group problem, activate the moral sense of colleagues, for example, by asking the question: “Which of you is ready to be next?”
► What should I do if my loved one is a victim?
First of all, it is important to simply support the person. There is the so-called “Karpman triangle” , which describes an interaction model in which there is a victim, an aggressor and a rescuer. And it is very important not to take on the role of a rescuer for this person, because in this way you seem to be saying that he cannot cope on his own.
You need to ask how you can help, say that you are ready to support him, offer to consider his options for action. By believing that he deserves better treatment, you can give him strength to resist.
► How can I tell if my child is being terrorized at school if he doesn’t talk about it himself?
As a rule, the child’s motivation to go to school decreases, his behavior changes: for example, he was cheerful, but became withdrawn. The child may also become emotionally unbalanced. A parent who has good contact with the child will definitely notice such changes.
If this is your case, talk to your child. He doesn’t want to discuss it and won’t admit it - contact the class teacher, tell him about the changes you’ve noticed, ask why this could be, what the situation is like in the class, whether he noticed anything.
Very often, in children's groups, bullying is confused with unpopularity. Or they take some actions like throwing things at the student during the game. But the game involves voluntary participation, everyone should have fun in it.
You need to let the teacher understand that what is happening is not normal and insist that he tries to change the situation. If he does not want to do this, go to the school management and resolve this issue with him.
► What if the aggressor is a teacher?
The scheme is the same: you demand a respectful attitude towards the child, and if this does not happen, contact the management. If no one wants to solve the problem, it makes sense to transfer the child to another school.
► How can you be sure that your child will not be bullied further because he complained?
The aggressor often uses this fear as one of the ways to make the victim more vulnerable, cut off all possible resources to change the situation, and demoralize even more.
It is important to maintain the possibility of confidential contact and remain sensitive. Say that you notice changes in him, that it bothers you, that you want to help. Show that you are on his side, make it clear that you will not leave him, that you can protect him and will do it in any way, even if you need to move to another school.
► What if studying at this particular school is important?
It is important to take into account the main factor: a child will never study where he is unsafe. If he feels any tension in the team, he will be busy trying to ensure his safety, all his energy will be spent on this, and there will be no resource left for studying. And what then is the value of the establishment? When safety is at stake, we cannot talk about the level of education.
► What should I do if I am a teacher and am being attacked by a student?
The teacher has many resources to protect himself from the victim: you can at least kick the student out of the office. But if we talk about minors, then it is important to understand what causes such behavior, because in this case you have a great responsibility.
Talk to him alone, contact his parents: what if it’s all because violence is rampant in his family? Then your task is to show your child a different model of behavior.
► What should I do if I am a boss and am asked to solve a bullying problem?
You must understand that in this situation everyone suffers, that people avoid responsibility for what is happening. And a very important point in getting out of bullying is to let the aggressor not lose face . Otherwise, he will have a complex inside him that will also seek release. We must give all participants in the process the opportunity to get out of this situation with dignity.
You can develop rules of communication for the team: for example, you cannot make evil jokes, you need to be interested in the condition of others, you cannot take other people’s things without asking, or silently watch as someone is offended or ignored. You can draw up a kind of contract so that everyone takes responsibility for what is happening within the team. And if someone violates this contract, then simply point to the poster with the rules and a personal signature. It is worth making attempts to unite the team and build a flexible hierarchy: what Petrov is good at, what Sidorov does best...
Why do we talk about the failure of working against an aggressor: measures of influence and the label “bad” that is hung on him automatically create even greater pain in him, which can result in aggression.
What to do?
The humiliated person should not take everything as truth and personally. These are just words that speak about the emotional state of the one who uttered them. But if you are still hurt, it means that something in you responds to these words and actions of the attacker. This is not about taking literally what the offender said. You need to analyze the emotions that the situation caused. For example: the teacher tells you that you will never learn to speak English properly. If your self-esteem is adequate, then you will perceive these words simply as the emotional subjective opinion of a person who may not be an authority for you at all. Moreover, they were said in not the best frame of mind. After all, it is known that people who are doing well in life do not say or do nasty things to others.
But if you are still offended, then you need to ask yourself “Why?” The answers may be different: “What if everything happens like this? And I won’t be able to meet my parents’ expectations?” or “I’m the worst. Everyone will laugh at me. I will remain a failure,” etc. Even in these examples, the true roots of the problem are visible: the expectations of parents or the fear of not being accepted by society. Ask yourself why you are so afraid of this. Imagine a situation in which this is exactly what happens: You haven’t learned English. You are a loser. Live it out in your fantasies completely. And then return to reality and think, is everything really the way you picture yourself in your fantasies? Look for inconsistencies. Make sure that this is your delusion, which you yourself promoted at the suggestion of the person who humiliated you. And also think: why did this person do this. What's in it for him? In any case, ask yourself questions and think. No one will do this work for you.
Now about the person who humiliates. There are many situations in life. We are interested here only in those that occur in the classroom and on the part of the teacher. Dear teacher, if you humiliated a student, an apology always helps both. Next, you should understand why you did this, what were you so afraid of, why did you want to be higher than the student? The principle of work is the same as with someone who has been humiliated. Ask yourself questions and answer honestly. There will be many questions, one after another. For example: Why did I call him names? How did I feel when I called him names? Is he...? Why did I decide this? Do I know absolutely everything about this child? Why do I allow myself to call a person such....? Why do I put myself above him? Do I have the right to humiliate a person? Do I consider myself “the best” and others are “worse” than me? Why? Am I better than others at everything? It turns out that I do some things better, and some things worse? Those. like everyone else? Those. Am I like everyone else? Why do I allow myself to feel better by humiliating another? Why do I need to show my superiority over others? After the reason is found, you need to forgive yourself. If you start blaming yourself, you will definitely receive punishment, because where there is guilt, there will be punishment. You need to understand yourself, and then think about what lesson you learned from this situation and change your line of behavior so that similar episodes do not happen again.
The following rules will help the teacher avoid situations that provoke possible humiliation of students:
- Call the child "You". No matter how many years you have been his teacher. This helps to keep your distance and not forget that the student is a person just like you, which means he should be treated with respect. You treat yourself with respect, right?
- Create a clear system of rules of conduct in the classroom and comply with them. When students know what to do and what not to do, it makes things easier for everyone.
- Evaluate student performance using a variety of feedback techniques. Read about them here.
- Demonstrate professionalism. A teacher is a specialist who works following the principles of teaching. (conscientiousness, systematicity, strength, scientificity, etc.) This person will not gossip about colleagues in the presence of his clients (i.e. students), impose his opinion, waste class time on chatter and others not related to the learning process , things. If you treat your work as providing a service and strive to ensure that the client (i.e., the student) is satisfied, then many things in the teacher’s behavior will happen differently. A teacher is a service provider, not a spiritual leader, who should be unconditionally respected only for the fact that he “stooped” to the student and spent his invaluable time on him. When a teacher shows his professionalism, students value and respect him.
- Respect your students, even when they show their shortcomings. Absolutely every person has the right to make their own mistakes. And the teacher is not the Supreme Judge, who is also obliged to accuse, punish and oversee correction. The teacher simply does his job efficiently according to principles and standards, without trying to correct/re-educate the child or make any other contribution to the “fate” of the student.
Situations of humiliation can occur not only in the direction of teacher -> student, but also vice versa. In this case, the situation is kept under control by the teacher, who behaves like a professional and perceives the humiliation directed at him by the student as an indicator of the student’s emotional state. Instead of taking offense and trying to take revenge, a professional teacher behaves like an educational specialist trained in developmental psychology and pedagogy: he analyzes the situation and thinks about what could have provoked such behavior. Maybe this was influenced by the teacher’s behavior in the classroom, maybe it’s because of relationships with classmates, or maybe it’s an echo of changing hormonal levels. In any case, respected by students, a teacher is a professional who knows his business, respects himself and his students, and does not try to manipulate the idea “I’m older, I know what’s best.”
Tatiana Razmyslovich
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"There could be serious consequences"
► If the problem with bullying is not solved, what will happen to my psyche?
This is a very strong blow to self-esteem, it undermines the supports, knocks the ground out from under your feet and takes away the faith that you can do something.
The consequences can be different and quite serious. A person may develop avoidant behavior and complete lack of self-confidence . This is about the unwillingness to face difficulties, the desire to lead a more secluded lifestyle. It can also manifest itself as increased levels of anxiety , depression and special sensitivity in relationships.
Emotions not experienced during that period can become encapsulated in a person. Psychological trauma is designed in such a way that it will look for ways out, and a person may unknowingly find himself in situations where there is a risk of receiving the same trauma: an oppressive partner, an authoritarian leader, an aggressor colleague. You need to release these unlived emotions with a psychologist or psychotherapist.
►What is worse: psychological or physical bullying?
In my opinion, they are equally traumatic. There are many factors that influence perception: a person’s sensitivity, weaknesses, endurance, etc. But physical bullying is more punishable, at least by the same criminal code: the victim can record beatings or damage to property.
► Does it happen that bullying is invisible to the victim and the aggressor?
Sometimes bullying does not immediately become noticeable because the victim does not feel that his boundaries are being violated: the person does not immediately understand his emotions and does not see the devaluation. We as a whole are a society quite traumatized by the Soviet period, when personal boundaries meant nothing, when the collective was above the individual, when everyone was busy building a common cause and did not take into account the emotions of an individual.
Moreover, sometimes the victim is prone to feelings of guilt, to thoughts that something is wrong with himself: the person takes excessive responsibility for the actions of others.
In the case of an aggressor, this happens, but less often. Sometimes he avoids responsibility for his actions, devalues his contribution and calls what is happening a game. For example, in a school community, sometimes only an adult, a teacher, can call a spade a spade.
